How To STOP Repeating TOXIC Relationship Cycles | #Therapists Unhinged Ep. 19

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

In this raw and relatable episode, the Therapists Unhinged hosts, Robin and Nella, get real about relationships and emotional intelligence (or the lack thereof). They share personal stories and professional insights on navigating the complexities of modern dating, divorce, and the patterns we often repeat. From the dysregulated nervous system that mistakes attachment for love to the importance of self-awareness, they offer a candid conversation that’s more conversational than clinical and packed with wit and wisdom.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• An apology without change is manipulation.
• A lot of people are confused about what is actually real in dating and relationships.
• People who get divorced and jump right back into the dating game are looking for something to fill a void instead of sitting in the loneliness.
• It is not my job to babysit your emotions.
• You can use the three C's from Al-Anon classes (I did not create it, I cannot change it, and I cannot control it) to help in a relationship.
• A person who is constantly talking about themselves is a red flag in a relationship.
• A red flag can be a person who wants to get serious very quickly.
• There's a difference between lust and love.
• If you have a lot of red flags, you're going to get a circus.

BEST MOMENTS:

00:00:28. "We are at episode 1919." 
00:02:31. "It was tough because what we have to deal with and how people present themselves in the beginning are not always who they are." 
00:05:09. "And the catfishing stuff too, you know, people oh my gosh, I'm catfishing now." 
00:08:40. "This is the way I am. Yeah. There are certain things about you and about everybody as an adult that may not change." 
00:13:43. "But now it's me pouring into, you know, people who are starting off relationships, no matter if they're young, middle age or old." 
00:17:24. "And it won't find you in the broken spaces that the other relationship left you in." 
00:21:26. "Yeah, absolutely. Because you do have to know who you are." 
00:25:27. "They go through that cycle and and it's sad to hear and to listen, but to understand it, to allow them to understand and dissect where that comes from, a lot of that is, you know, comes from like their childhood and experiences and stuff." 
00:32:05. "You're going to sit there and eat it till it's done. Yeah. See, that's traumatizing." 
00:37:49. "I had no right then here when you come back, they're telling you exactly who they are 100%."

Transcript

0:00

An apology without change is manipulation. Yep. Say it all, eh, Thomas? I say it all the technology without you start feeling sorry. For what? And if you excuse it, it gets worse. Yeah. You just enabling it. You just keep listening. Okay, well, they apologized. Apologize again. Apologize. And they didn't gateaux that pattern. Exactly. All right, everyone, welcome back. We are at episode 1919. We girl, we're on today is on one. We are talking about relationships and emotional intelligence or lack thereof or lack thereof. Exact. And I think that everyone needs to really think I mean, are you really in a good, tight, solid relationship or is it your dysregulated nervous system? That's Tex, the new back. Oh, I mean, we never know that. Yeah. So, I mean, it doesn't matter what phase of life you're in. I think you can kind of understand that dating and relationships are not always easy. Actually, I think they're never easy. Does it matter what age or stage of life you're in? So I know one thing that is common right now and in our culture is a few things that I wanted to discuss, which is, you know, the ghosting era. You know, people ghosting you and people love bombing you and manipulating you and you're just like confused sometimes on what is actually like real and what is real. What is is someone putting on just a show for you? It's with the high ideals. Yes. Or is someone actually just really that manipulative like you just you just never know because eventually the wig has to come off. Yes. Right. So last night. Yes, the week. The week has to come off. Like who are you? I know. Seriously. And you always are just like on. I know when I was dating, I mean, I can't talk about when I was 18, but post-divorce dating, I should say, and I was an adult in my thirties. It was tough. It was tough because what we have to deal with and how people present themselves in the beginning are not always who they are. So I don't know if you guys have any insights on maybe what some clients are telling you or experiencing. I haven't dated in a long time. How do I try to go back to when I was like 17? Well, but it was a whole lot different. They had to pass. I didn't even know who I was at the time, and I know I was like, not ideal. But even that is a good point because so many of our young people, you know, dating now and they think that they know what they want or they think that this person is being genuine and it's like, what are their ulterior motives? You have to think about that. How emotionally mature are they? Are they even ready to be in a relationship? Well, it's funny you talked about ghosting, because I use that when I teach because I say, you know, the sad part in dating with kids now or young people now is again, it's all third person, it's all app. This like this swipe that check here snap thing free access to whatever number and it's not real and I said so of course are ghosting because it was an illusion to begin with because it's not real because, you know, it's it's sad. And one of one of the things I saw the other day and I loved it because it said, you know, young people are using dating when they're bored, when they're, you know, lonely and they using dating and then they go, oh, not too many work ready to go back to my computer and have to go back to my thing. And it made so much sense because it's just like, you know, when we grew up, we use dating as I mean, I remember even females going to college, they said, Oh, you're going to go get your MRC degree. Like you are going to find a man and read some books, you know, but you were going to go there because you were looking for a break and dating was a lot different back in the day too, because you know, and you know, there's all different types of dating out. Back when we were dating like in my, you know, era, our parents had to, you know, meet the person that we were dating as much as we to do because we didn't want. And I think we hated it because we didn't want to pay to see something because we were new. Right. And so it's different nowadays. It's like they're just they're dating online. They're like, I'm still trying to think, which era union was that? Like the Paleolithic I What era was this that you were dating? Dancer Like I got to know. Well, I listen to that. I told she was this and she was already giving me the business for I got here. So it's been a long ways out, but I know it's different now and then. The catfishing stuff too, you know, people oh my gosh, I'm catfishing now. And she was old. Yes. Yeah. And the thing is, is that it doesn't matter what age you are like, there's no emotional maturity sometimes even in, you know, 50 year old 40 year olds. And I think that people think just because they're 45 or 55 that they are ready to date and that they are solid partners and they lack that insight and awareness that, you know what, maybe they're not healed from their own excuse me, past experiences or relationships or childhood even like have you even healed from that? Have you processed why you act the way you do in relationships, why your other three relationships failed or marriages failed? And people just always are so quick to, I think, point to the other person and the relationship instead of looking inward of, okay, what did I do to make my past relationships fail or, you know, marriages, whatever it would be? And I think that's like a common theme that I see with people coming out of relationships and out of marriages is, you know, oh, well, you know, I knew for five, ten years that it was, you know, we weren't good for each other. I wasn't happy or they were toxic, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so I hear that that person was toxic or that person treated you terrible, they cheated on you. Whatever it was. Well, what part did you play in it? You played a part. I'm not saying that you're responsible for their behavior. You're responsible for your own behavior. However, what part did you play? Because you need to be able to pull out that information to make sure that that doesn't put you in the same cycle over and over again. And two things I say. One, we teach people how to treat us to what we tolerate, we choose. And so, again, everybody can. Oh, well, you know, you and your. Oh, you know, she and I say, you have to eat, you have to eat. You got to walk right out that door, if you know what I mean. And so even right then and there, I think it's just kind of giving them a sense of Yeah, because again, relationships are a choice and, you know, argue, choose to stay. But also maybe you didn't know or maybe it didn't affect you as well to ten years ago, but maybe now it does, you know. And so even with that, it's I think it's just kind of getting them, as you said, if they're not self-aware, to then go, well, that's I was doing that and that's okay. But what happened then to change that doesn't happen again, you know? So I think a lot of it is just a godless. And that's true. And like one of the steps in being emotionally intelligent is being self aware. So you do have to be self aware of your own, your own needs, wants, thoughts, actions so that you won't. And I know like some hot cast ago when talk about you know putting though you so you what with those unmet needs by someone else absolutely but real quick can that can go the other direction too and this is what I'm saying, too. Oh, no, no. Well, that's just who I am. And you're just going to have to deal with it. And you're right, because I do hear that, too, that that's an excuse. That's an excuse to change. I can't change. This is what I am. And I said, Well, how's that working for you? It's not like you said is your nervous system. But that was like funny. I know I'm still trying to process that because it's true. I mean, we all have that, you know, sometimes the dysregulated nervous system that is the one responding, it's not. So I don't know why that makes me laugh, but I look like that. So I mean, but that's the thing is that just like, as you said, like, oh, I don't need to change anything. This is the way I am. Yeah. There are certain things about you and about everybody as an adult that may not change. But is that behavior what is being a steady factor? Not the reason, not the cause, but a factor in why your relationships are failing? Could be, right? So if you keep hearing the same thing about you, that is a problem. Then maybe you should try changing that problem because it's not clearly not good in a relationship that you want. So think about the end result. Do you want a happy relationship? Do you want to be in a solid, faithful, you know, just good relationship? Yeah, that's true of your in session. Even if you're working with an individual and you'll say something to a client and my husband says, That sounds fine. I go, Are you listening? Yeah. Is it because literally I was like, Is your mom so bad to say that? And then but it is sometimes I think it is. They hear it and they go, Oh, well, he says that to me all the time. And I'm like, wasn't because this is what I'm saying too. So that's when we go into that pattern of behaviors. And, you know, always, you know, T.J. knows my thing. People like patterns, don't, you know? And that's the thing. Sometimes when you're looking at a pattern, even within yourself, you go, okay, yeah. Wow. When the coffee spills Irom the coffee spills, I wrong. You know what I mean? And then so at least then you can get a little more objective and go, okay, but I can change that, you know, instead of I suffer because I spill coffee. I Yeah. And I think to like even go on back on like I know you said you were dating really young. You met your husband at a young age, 17, 19, 19. So, I mean, I know I was 17 when I met my first husband, did not know who I was. I was completely different person back then and even growing up. And if I think back on who that child was and I always tell people I do this, an exercise is like with with women who are like figuring out if they are going down a path of divorce or not, you know, first because they've been with them since they were a teenager or whatever. And I'm just like, if you think about who that person was back then, what would you tell her, you know, and what would you tell her about the relationships that you're choosing or the person that you are with right now? What would you tell that girl? Because it's I think about that back then, I'd be like, you don't even know who you are, what you want. You know where you're going to be in life. Like you don't know any of that stuff yet. And I'm not saying every young person is like that, but for me, when I think back on that, like we have to be aware that are we ready? Do we know what direction we want to go to without that other person, without another person going along? Do you go do we know where we want to go in life? Because I didn't know the answer back then. So how could I bring someone along with me if I didn't even know? That's true? So I think that's one thing that is important to stress, to the young. The young ones, you know, even see my daughter 18 and just dating and stuff and you know, her big thing. I remember she just started dating someone and she was like, Well, Mom, I didn't tell you I was talking to someone for the last month or so. I'm just now talking to our official relationship. And I said, okay, well, that's that's different for you. You always tell me when you like somebody, when you're talking to y you know, of course I'm a mom, like, well, maybe I didn't do something right. She's withholding the information. She goes, Sure. She goes, Well, Mom, sometimes when I like somebody and we didn't get serious, I'm, like, embarrassed because, you know, it didn't work out or it didn't go in the direction I want. And I said, embarrassed. Mike What makes you embarrassed about learning about relationships and learning and seeing what works and what doesn't work? And if you like this about a guy you know and made you learn that things are not always what they seem, right? So and you know, I always say to when you start dating, it's like interviewer people, it's like an interview. You interview them what you know, there are things that you want in the relationship that you will compromise with. There are things that he may want or she may want that they're not willing to compromise with. But then there is going to be some compromise in order for it to be a good, healthy, all the way around relationship. You know? So I think that there's nothing wrong with interviewing even have your I don't care, bring your questions with you if you don't remember what to say but you I think those things are important because you don't want to get lost or you don't want your voice to get lost in a relationship. And, you know, for me to even like I said, I started dating like, you know, I had that dating. It's not like something that, you know, I've done like the last 30 years or whatever. I still have learned a lot along the way. And truth of the matter is, if some of the things that I know now by know need, it probably wouldn't have lasted. What? You just got to be real. But. But I've learned, you know, and some of the stuff I had to learn the hard way, but I learned it is so. But now it's me pouring into, you know, people who are starting off relationships, no matter if they're young, middle age or old. There's a lot of a lot of wisdom that I can, you know, extend to them because of the things that I've had to learn, you know, so all my pain or all my hours. So, yeah, I'm lucky because now I get to tell you said I don't want you to go through it again, you know? And I said because but, but it still comes with that. That's the same thing. There is no other experience is experience. You can't you can't say it's like it's just you have to go through it, you know. And but with each experience is a learning experience. If you, if you can look at it at that, you know. But I think it's with relationships, it's just so hard, you know, like a broken heart and just feeling, you know, whatever the situation betray it or something is as if it'll take a toll, you know. Now, what would you all say to somebody that says, Nope, nope, I'm done? None. I got hurt. I tried it once or twice, no amount like Saudi. Well, for me, when when I hear that, I oh, I hear that actually a lot with women that I have that are either just going through a divorce or just went through it or, you know, very beginning stages. And I'm like, totally get it. You know, I felt that way, too. It's like, I don't want anything to do with the men. I just want one client I have now. She's like, I've sworn off men. I don't even want anything to do with them. And I'm like, you know, I don't want them to have a mentality of, like, the man hating things. I definitely don't agree with that. But it's more of it's because you are not there, you're not even there. And so, yeah, you're not there to even consider having someone else in your life in that way again and pouring yourself into someone else because you're not there. You're not ready to do that. So I always say so with that, that's okay to say it's okay to feel that way. But as you do heal, you'll notice that you'll want the more emotionally ready you are, I think the more emotionally ready you are for a relationship. Absolutely. So if they're at a place where they don't even want to date, they don't want to look, they don't want a guy to hit on them like absolutely zero. Okay, then you you are that you're not there. You need to still work on yourself, work on your healing. Because I think the the women I shouldn't just say it, just women, but it's just I work a lot with women. So when you're in a space of having a block like a a brick wall up from dating, it's normally because you are still hurting in some way. Whether you you may not be hurt by that person, but you're hooked or you're hurt by what happened to you still. So I think the more that you heal and kind of go through it and you start to let go. And I always tell people this too, like even if someone for you and any you ladies know this, you're forgiving them, you're forgiving what happened, but you're not instantly forgetting or thinking that it's okay. You're just saying like, I need to let go. I need to let go of that pain. I need to let go of the feelings I had at the end of that relationship, whatever it was. So you're not ready. And I totally agree with that because that's exactly where I was go. You're still, you know, you're going through and you have to emotionally heal. And if you ask someone and they say that that's because they are like right at the beginning of it or they're still experiencing some of the aftermath from it. And just like I don't want to do anymore, but I think that, you know, like you said, if you let it go and you open up your heart to love again, then love will find you again. And it won't find you in the broken spaces that the other relationship left you in. And it's it, you know, and I feel like too, it is our it's good for us to let go because if you're going to house all of the bitterness and all of the anger and it's I'm not saying that, you know, it was it you you know, that what happened to you, it's not deserving of you to feel the way you feel. But you give that person power over you and you not you, mine all that. Now, matter of fact, you ain't none of that. So for me to be holding all bitterness and not being able to let go and open my heart agape or saw who was really going to, you know, be be that person for me. And I could be that or somebody. Absolutely. And I love that. And you made me think of so like another question, not the opposite of that, Robin, which is, you know, what about the ones that say that are not even divorced and they're just like jumping into another relationship? And I see and you see that, too, like they are, you know, still wet behind the ears of that divorce. Haven't even the ink hasn't dried yet. And people are right back into the dating game. And, you know, when I tell when when I have people that are in that space, it's the opposite to where they're not blocking. They're just looking for something to fulfill them. That void. That void. Instead of letting that letting letting yourself feel that way, letting yourself feel lonely for a little bit. You need to sit in that loneliness to really be with your thoughts, to figure out who you are without that person that just broke your heart or whatever. So that's another thing is and I know I won't do that to like that. You know, when you're with somebody for so long, so many years in, you're not with another person. Even if they treated you like shit, you're still going to miss Angry what, that, what you thought it was. And I say that to the two women who are coming out of very abusive, you know, domestic violence. You're you're going to cry. You're going to feel empty. You're going to feel like, okay, did I make the right decision? Like, all those are normal emotions, but if you're just going to jump right back into dating and you haven't let yourself feel lonely, let yourself fill that void, then you're going to just project that same stuff on that relationship. You have to unpack that bag. A bag is still packed and you're going to it's going to land on somebody else's heart. You know, as I like that you said Grieves because my client but this week, last week we were talking about that and she had gone through a divorce, had about six months to a year. And she goes sometimes I still just struggle with the anger, struggle and all that. And, you know, and I said, well, you know, anger is like misplaced, you know, and she just and it was like she reached out to me and she goes, I have not she was I've been thinking that from when I left session. She goes, because I couldn't like put my finger on like, what is it? What is it? Cause she's like, I'm good, I'm good. I come to you, I'm a puddle and then I'm mad and then I am so and she goes, Thank you. And you come. But it is because it is a loss. It is a loss. Even if it was a maladaptive toxic, whatever it is a loss. You went into it wide open with your heart. You know, this is going to be great. I mean, nobody goes into relationship said, oh, I can't wait to get punched in those rain times a week. You know, that is not what we do. But then it's just, you know, and it's always that little bit and little bit. And then even to come out of that, it's your own sense of like, am I, am I, you know, not enough? How did I let that happen? What is wrong with me? I'm too afraid to. I don't want that to happen again, you know. And so that is where, like I said, even with, you know, a lot of women that we work on, the collateral damage or whoever is on my couch pretty much is the collateral damage. And that's why I said that this and I see and I know I said that's another podcasting and not have it help your relationship with somebody else if you do not have a healthy relationship was also very key and that is where we are right now. Yeah, absolutely. Because you do have to know who you are. I mean, just I say this to it is not my job to babysit your emotions. That is her stuff together. I love that because I have borrowed it a few times. I signature emotions. I sit with my girl and make sure I'm good. So if I have to sit with yours, too. And that's just that's just too much for me. Yes. And, you know, we have other things to do, you know, but, you know, so that's where I am with it. Like I don't want to sit with somebody else's emotions. There's one thing that you made me think of, too. I like that role saying it's not my job to babysit. What did you say, baby? Say you say your emotions. It made me think of to something that they use in like Al-Anon classes is the the individuals who are in a relationship or trying to leave a relationship that is suffering through substance and substance use. And you're going kind of going through that cycle with them. You know, let's say they're, you know, alcoholic and they go through these spirals and stuff. It's like, you know, on the other side, that person that's constantly going through those cycles with them is thinking up the three C's. I did. I did not create it. I cannot change it and I cannot control it. So it makes me think of the same thing. Even you can use that in relationships if you know you didn't create this emotional thing that you were projecting on me, I can't control it and I definitely can't change it. That's on you. So I'm putting it right back on you. Absolutely. So, yeah. So I did not create it. I cannot change it and I can't control Mm. Devices. Yeah. That's what they in. Yeah. They do understand it because it's true if you think about someone that's suffering through it and you, you're going through it with them, you have to think about it. I didn't create the problem. I didn't change. I can't change it. They have to change it and I can't control it. So because you do you go through those cycles as a person that is going through that with that, whether you're the parent or whether you're the spouse, you know, you're going through those emotions like, Oh, I want to control it, I want to change, I want to put all these things in place. It's like, no, no, now back on them. Yeah, I use that now. Yeah, I like that. You're welcome. But you're welcome. You know, come, let's learn stuff from each other. So then send it to me because that dinosaur don't know how to use the phone. But anyway. So, no, I saw something a few weeks ago, and I used it was beautiful with one of my clients this week and even with myself a little bit, because a lot of times when you just say you're just a natural nurturer, caretaker, you know, and so it's like if somebody is acting or not doing something in a relationship that you are, you know, I mean, you kind of sit there, you take it, you start to pick it apart, you want to reason it out, okay? And then you start to justify it. Then you go, Oh, they only did this because of that, or they only did this because of that. And then it's funny because the one gentleman I was listening to said, but even with that, you have abandoned yourself to then go searching for something to justify an action instead of immediately standing up and saying, Excuse me? Well, I was up almost. No, ma'am, no, sir, we're not that's not what's happening here. The boundaries, don't you know? And then but and so I just thought that even with that tool, when you talk about emotional intelligence, sometimes I think people have even emotional intelligence. You take that just that saying. And I think they go, Oh, yeah, well, he was just hired or oh, was she just, you know, she always says that and that was my fault because I knew not to do not what like, you know, are you having a good time? Too hot to put the bacon on the left side, you know, sit on the right side, you know, so I don't know how how much you to work with like DV victims. That is a cycle that that is very common that they go through and they do they they think about all the stuff that they think they could have changed on their faults with this. It's their fault for that. Or maybe if I would have just, you know, had sex with them more, they wouldn't have cheated. And then maybe I wouldn't have gotten hit. And like they go through that cycle and and it's sad to hear and to listen, but to understand it, to allow them to understand and dissect where that comes from, a lot of that is, you know, comes from like their childhood and experiences and stuff. So but that's usually what I see a lot that it's sad and it's a hard mindset to, you know, help them come out of, you know, it's been a take. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of, you know, you know, therapy to actually, you know, to for them to even change their minds, you know, because I think they know. But it's just they've been in it or their mindset has been that way for so long. It's hard for them to make the shift. MM Well, in psychosocial development they may not know because they may have never had anything different because think about it, if you said something about emotional intelligence and you said, Oh, not just because you're 45 or whatever, I find manga now we just get taller and older. That's all it is. We get taller and older because think about it, most of this stuff again is root cause child because that is where we are developing anything if we go relational. You're welcome. My MFT people you got relation to go systemic. It's what part one did I play in the family. So in the dynamic, you know if there was any type of substance or neglect or alcohol or anything else, it was, no, no, no. We don't want to make mommy mad because early. So you start to learn all that. And so that's what I'm saying. And a mindset shift maybe that it it's never even been true and they don't even know that there is any such thing as a shift because that is all. And so you do continue to tiptoe around those behaviors. It's sort of like kicking it, right? You know, like kick the door to, you know, tiptoeing around it. And I think one thing that that's helped for when I'm helping a domestic violence victim goes, our process, what's going on is it's like a trigger almost for almost all of them is what would you tell your son or your daughter as they they're only six right now. Okay. When they are 17 and 18, if they're in a relationship and they're boyfriend or girlfriend, put their hands on them, what would you what would you tell them? Would you say what's only one time? Or maybe you backtalk them? So sometimes that gets them to wake up like absolutely not. I wouldn't want that. Okay, so who's going to break the cycle? Is it going to be you that breaks the cycle? You saw it with your parents. You saw it with your past relationships and now with their dad. Are you going to break the cycle? Because if not, that's the only thing your child is going to know. They're only six years old. Give them another ten years. They're going to think that if they're a boy, that they could put their hands on women because they watched their dad did that to their mom or a woman dad. It's okay because my mom got hit. She stayed so thinking about that like someone's got to break the cycle. Just because you experienced it doesn't make it okay. Right. You know, and I actually have someone personally not in a in a therapeutic environment, but like personally that has gone through four divorces and she's only 40 years old. And it's because it's a pattern of all of them were abusive. All of them. All of them. And guess where it stemmed from watching their parents, her parents be abused and are hit each other. So it's like they've never had the therapy, never been a therapy, never been able to process. And now they're in another failed marriage. And it's a cycle has to be broken. A cycle has to be broken somewhere. I actually said to one of my ladies the other day with that when you said, you know, your child's watch and your child's watch and, you know, and I said the same thing and then she's like, yes, but my child this. And I said, okay. So now I go first and foremost. I said, How well are you handling this? You think that five year olds going do any better? I, I said, you're struggling. She's five. And how are you going to teach her any different? But she's watching you. That's exactly. And then another one, you know, said that she knows. Yeah. It's funny how children are acting better. You think that's because I'm in therapy now? How are you? Calmer. Are you. Are you regulating? You know, are you. Because they absolutely are going to sleep off? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's where you said we're just you said when we get older, we're just toddlers, taller and older. So that means it takes an active choice. It takes us to actively try to change these or behaviors and to get emotionally regulated and to to try and fix ourselves for whoever. Number one, for your spell. But if you have children, you know, for your children, for your spouse, whoever it's for, at the end of the day, like you have to actively change what has been harming your relationships, whether it's relationship with your children, your parents, whoever it is, if your you're a part of it in some way. So you have to actively try to shift. And even if it's ingrained in you, even if it's ingrained, you have to actively shift and know that, okay, there's I got I got to do something. So like if you have explosive anger issues or or the absence that a fight or flight, you every time that there's an argument or anything and you hide and you just walk away, well, how is that working for all your relationships? Right. It's not working. You got to you've got to sit there. Then you got to fight it, even though that's your natural reaction as well, because that's the thing. Nobody is going to take better care of yourself. And as long as you are beating yourself up, you get permission for everybody else. Absolutely not. So so I mean, and it is sad because, again, you know, I mean, it's where's it been? It's not been in our world. You know, we say, you know, emotions when I'm vintage, we were there. It was just they were they just weren't recognized. Oh, yeah. And then you also brought with up, you know, like, yeah, you know, we couldn't, you know, it's like talk about anything. It was just like we just kept it moving. You know? And so, you know, it's just always so. TRUMP It's not what you said that it was flood of like it was just came back from I had I had a decent child but that doesn't mean that I just yeah. No, my mom would say, stop that crying. I'll give you sort of the cry about wow. Yeah. Right. So yeah. Or you're just you might well I would fall asleep at the dinner table because I did not want to eat chili. I hated chili and meatloaf. Those are the two things. And to this day, I do not eat it because my mom, I would fall asleep on the table. I mean,

in 930, 10: 32:19

00 at night, here I am, seven years old, falling asleep at the dinner table. Mom was like, you're going to sit there and eat it till it's done. Yeah. See, that's traumatizing. That's exactly one thing that made me think about too is so t.j. What are what would you think? I know everyone talks about red flags, right? Like and when you see, like, red flags in the circus, it's it's just so red flags for us circus. So, like, for me, like, first thing that pops in my head, red flags are getting too attached. Typically, people think that, oh, he's like, he's giving me flowers and he wants to be around me. 24 seven That means he really likes me, right? So people think of that as a green flag, but really it's a red flag, definitely. So what what else would you have? Like another would that be in the the same like definitional or the same like explanation of codependency? Yes, it can be. We can become codependent on that. So yeah, I mean, codependency is definitely a red flag. Like, you can't do anything without the person or you know, you always have to. And and I'm not saying that you can't have the person's opinion or advice about something, but when everything is weighing on that and you're still struggling because that's not the decision you want to make, but your partner or your person really wants you to make that and you feel obligated to. That's it breeds codependency. Yeah. You can't, like, breathe or sleep or eat without the person. So though those are definitely red flags. And, you know, I tell my clients to if you're starting to see something like that or if you're starting to be someone like that, you know, it's like yellow flags. What if you look at the caution lights like a yellow caution light turns, right? So if your flag is yellow, it's not going to turn green. More likely if you keep going, it's going to turn red that you know. But definitely that that's like the biggest I see, especially in my younger adults like, you know, ages 12 to maybe 30. I see that a lot. You know, another red flag like as far as in the emotional department is when you know that person and you could be that person. But when that person is always talking about themselves like you can't they're not really interested in, you know, who you are, what your your your going through or, you know, what your interest, our goals are. It's always about them. Jim, Jim, Jill. And then when they call you and you're not available or when they want to do something you are available, they automatically those are red flags. So those are like some of the bigger ones I can think of right now. Yeah, I got to I had excuses. Don't give me excuses. Don't justify it now because again, love speaks the truth, you know, and makes excuses. Because if you're making excuses, that means it's you're not even going to change. You're just like, not, well, that's what I did. And here's the thing. If that's what you did, then okay. Well, thank you very much. Not, you know, move on to the next and then how they treat other people. Yeah, waiters and waitresses. Gosh, janitor, you know, people sort of thing. I like. I love to just see people and how they treat other people. How are they handling stress? That's good. Yeah. I like my outside of the relationship. Yeah. And you made me think of too as well is consistency or inconsistency. So watching those. Yes. You know, how did they start in the relationship versus how is it, you know. Yeah. Or I mean, even like are they being consistent with showing up or coming out or, you know, talking to you or, you know, are they, you know, half the time they're calm and collected. And the other type, their spouse not you don't know why they're in a bad mood or whatever you know is an out that you don't have them out. That's not a yellow pass on that red. Yes. Yes. And then another thing is don't excuse me, it's kind of similar to your two excuses is apologize. Is it are they apologizing because and then with change, are they apologizing just to apologize? You know, because they're making the same repetitive mistake. I'm sorry, but I got my moment from where there's an apology without change is manipulation. Yep. Say it all the time. As I said, all the technology without your staff or software feeling sorry for what was for 90%. And if you excuse it, it it just. It gets worse. Yeah. You just enabling it. You just keep listening. Okay. Well, they apologize. Apologize again. Apologize. And they didn't get that pattern exactly. So you got a lot of things to like. People will think of things as maybe that's a green flag. Another thing is like wanting to get serious very quickly. A lot of people that that's like a good thing. They really like me or they really care about me or they said I love you in two weeks until weeks in the relationship. And I'm like, okay, that is not healthy. That means they're not emotionally intelligent enough to realize that those feelings take time. There's a difference between lust and a love, so, you know, and attachment styles and just don't let them your bank account. Oh, God. Oh, now you last know all the way to the bank account. Laughing all the way to the bank account. A client that said that that that her person that she met was talking about. Oh, yeah, I think we should get, you know, joint bank accounts, huh? What girl you want Mexican? I'm saying if you show up someplace and say, oh, I don't have my wallet to find somebody, you know, where you buy a school to lube accounts. I had no right then here when you come back, they're telling you exactly who they are 100%. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's what I mean. Especially younger people. Like, they they they look at things that are really red flags, but think they're green flags. And I'm like, that's not healthy or a circus circus. Yeah. Yeah, because that's what you're going to get. You have a lot of red flags. You're going to get a circus. I this is male or female actually because sometimes are sometimes, you know, the the the the male, you know, clients can be, you know, like intimidated by the women, you know. So it goes both ways. I see dance and both. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's a lot of that personality, too. A little more introverted or a little more bold, a little more confident. And so. Oh, yeah, a lot of my men, you know, it's they are the ones that kind of shut down, you know, and then so they don't it's not that big a deal. I could say it is, but I don't know that I'd have a shoes on running really well. I hope all those little tips and tricks helped somebody today. I really do. So, you know, they do tricks at circus. I, I know you're I know you're thinking I could see. Wow that tricks the outside. Yup. Welcome back to have you had to have you back. Oh sorry. I'm not feeling great today. It's pretty bad. Yes. But anyway I had a, you know, I had to throw a little robin ism in there. Yeah. Rob dog. So. All right, well, don't forget to be commenting and letting us know what other topics you'd like to hear and talk about. So we're always open to that. Yes. So thank you, everyone. Have a good day. Bye.