What Female Addiction Really Looks Like: Jade Gomes

She looked fine on the outside.
But behind the smiles, the image, and the silence was a battle nobody saw coming.

In this deeply raw episode, we uncover what female addiction really looks like, the hidden pain, the shame, the double life, and the reality so many women are forced to suffer through in silence. From losing control to fighting for recovery, this conversation goes beyond addiction and exposes the emotional weight women carry behind closed doors.

This is not a polished recovery story.
It’s the truth.

A powerful conversation about pain, survival, identity, and what it truly takes to rebuild yourself when the world thinks you’re already okay.

Transcript

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Susan George Podcast. We're still number one health and wellness podcast in South Africa. Today, my intro is going to be short and sweet. Her name is Jade Gomez. She's got a story not only for women out there but for men. Today we're going to concentrate on women and addiction. Jade, it's been a while. This should have happened long ago. How are you? I'm good and you thank you so much for having me. Thank you for joining us. I want to get into your story straight away. Before addiction. Who were you really? Let's start there. Before addiction, I think that that was always relevant in my life. So I think, you know, as a little girl, I was very sensitive, uh, very creative, loved music, um, very sporty and just a very loving child. You know, I um I just had like this deep obsession with um I love singing and um I was always uh learning songs and doing all these things. And you know, I've got um an older sister and her and I were just the best of friends, you know, we just um had the best time together, even though that um our family situation wasn't always the best. You know, the fact that I had her uh was something that I I found a lot of joy in my childhood. Um, but I think for the most part I was generally quite a quite a happy kid. Um and and yeah, um, you know, when I recall those memories, I think to myself, um, and I think that's been like a deep um, you know, thought process and a deep journey for me. Like, was I ever really happy? But when I do recall childhood memories, I was, you know, very boisterous and very full of life. And growing up, did people misunderstand you? I don't think that it was relevant. I mean, I think that um, you know, uh people needed to be around to misunderstand me. And and uh my parents had issues and they were not around, and my godmother and my godfather kind of took responsibility for my sister and I. And I think that the primary focus was to support us and to raise us. So there was an emphasis on our uh who we were like deeply as people. It was more just like the task at hand, but definitely there was a feeling of you know being insular and feeling uh uh alone, um uh feeling quite isolated from the world. So I don't know if it was about an understanding. I just remember feeling um quite lonely at times. At a very young age. At a very young age, yeah. You felt something was off already back then. Yeah, definitely. I did feel that something was off. Um also because uh, like I said, my family situation was different. My dad was in and out of our lives, and I didn't understand why. Um I didn't have a traditional family. My mom always worked, so she was, you know, doing that. Uh so I knew that we were different. I just at the time didn't really understand the why. I want to get into this now that we've got a little bit of the family background. Yeah. Let's get into what counts the start. Yeah. Where did it start? What were you using? The early sign, like the early stages. So I think uh, you know, due to the fact that I've done a couple of rounds of step work, you go back and you really sort of assess uh, you know, the start. And there was no presence of substances as a child or any of that. But I think that it came through in my behavior, um, especially surrounding um uh isolation was a big one, which is quite symptomatic of addicts. You know, we like to isolate. So I saw that as a child. I like being alone, and then um also just my behavior surrounding uh socially, um, trying so hard to fit in, not really knowing, like not having a strong um internal infrastructure of self, uh, people pleasing, those sort of things, and also surrounding food. Like I was a compulsive, obsessive eater. Um, so there was there were small things that I started, you know, looking back that I that I saw that started when I was really young. And I think that those things and uh started coming through even in sport, like being quite obsessive about it, you know. It was just this like obsessive mindset. Um and and I saw it in like in my character. Uh so yeah, it was definitely always there. It was always there. When did it start escalating into alcohol, drugs? So I always drank, you know, from when I was about 14, 15. Um, I think that uh a lot of people believe a lot of kids believe that, you know, we're all just doing the kid thing and we're experimenting and whatever. But at the time, while my friends were experimenting, I was definitely leaning into it. It was becoming a something. And I noticed that I even the first time I picked up a drink, I was very drunk. I drank more than everybody else. Um, when I started going um out socially into nightclubs, uh, it was always relevant. I just liked the feeling. Uh, it made me feel empowered. I felt that a lot of the fear that I was experiencing as a as an individual left me. And because my mother struggled with alcoholism and I saw addiction in her in her romantic relationships, uh, I always believed that people that drink every day are alcoholics. And I mean, I was just, you know, doing the normal weekend stuff, and I was very good at moderating. So for me, it was like I didn't understand that there was actually like the the disease of addiction was starting to uh it was there was this undercurrent of that. I just never recognized it. And no one, uh, there are a bunch of people in my history that have uh, you know, that have been addicts. My father was a heroin addict. Um, he died of um of a of a related disease. And I I always assumed that just like a lot of people in society, that addicts are junkies, they're the people under the bridge, they're the people that use every day, completely unmanageable. I wasn't like that. I was a high-functioning uh I arrived at work, I did all the things that I needed to do, and um, I was also able to moderate. So even with my children, I didn't drink or use around them, but the minute they would leave my space, I would. So for me, I was just I was fine. Yeah, and I think people don't realize that. I think everyone thinks the word addict and thinks you're this junkie and stuff. No, there are normal people out there in your every single day life that are addicts. Yeah, and they are functioning addicts, and they are, and I was very high functioning, and I think that um that kept me sick for a long time and it justified my behavior for a long time because I was like, I'm keeping a job. I didn't have any of the jails, institutions, or death stuff yet. You know, it's all about what's gonna happen yet. I could keep a job down, I could pay my bills, um, I could show up for my kids. And at the time when I say these things, I don't think that that's the truth now. I thought I was doing those things. Um, and that's why I I really it didn't occur to me that this was becoming a beast, you know. What did it give you though? What did it give you first that real life couldn't give you? I think a sense of escape. Um it gave me a sense of um of freedom that I didn't feel in myself, confidence, self-esteem that I had never really developed. Um I could be anyone that I wanted to be. Um I had a lot of courage, I would say things I would never ordinarily say. It it created like the extroverted jade. And I'm not that. I'm actually an introvert. And people find that strange because I uh come off as very confident, but I really enjoy my own space. I'm more energized by being by myself. And um, I think I could never accept that about who I was, and also because you know, uh if you don't have a strong sense of who you are and you don't like yourself, or you actually have never developed who you are, you've just kind of like piggybacked your family, society, your friends. You don't know who you are. It's an it's a nice way to feel um, you know, to feel calm with that. Did it ever become part of your daily routine as things escalated? Towards the end. Okay. Towards the end, I would say the last 10 months of my using, um, you know, the wheels came off big time. And at your worst, what did a normal day look like? At my worst, oh my gosh. So I would wake up in the in the morning if I had slept, I would have a couple of espresso, I would have a lot of caffeinated drinks, then I would make use of diet pills, you know, stimulants. I'm a stimulant skull. Then I would go to work and I would just be um like the energizer bunny. Um, then I would leave work, then I would be too anxious because I'd had too many diet pills, and then I'd have alcohol, and then I'd drink and drink and drink, and then I'd get anxious about being too drunk, and then make use of um cocaine to try and regulate that. And then it was just like alcohol and cocaine, and I was I was doing that three to four times a week, and no sleep, not eating properly, uh, just being in a constant cycle of what I call hell. It was just hell for me. So I'm also an addict, and we tell ourselves, I even find myself doing it now. We tell ourselves things to justify our actions in whatever our addiction is, even if it's eating, even drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever it might be. We tell ourselves things. What were you telling yourself to justify all of this before reality hit? Every morning I used to wake up and I used to, and and I I really meant it. I really meant it. I promised myself I was like, I'm not gonna use today. Okay, I'm not gonna use today. And I really thought because I was going to work and I was doing what was required of me at my job, that that was fine. But then, like I said, I didn't want to use around my kids, so I started reneging on my responsibilities. And I the walls were closing in on me towards the end where I wasn't seeing my children on a on a consistent basis. I was making excuses, and I just used to be like, but it's better, it's better than using around them, it's better than that, you know. And my kids were waiting for me. Like I used to wait for my parents, and I was transforming into everything that I never wanted to be. And I struggle talking about this because I have a colossal amount of respect for my mom today. We have got an amazing relationship. My mother doesn't drink anymore. But in in those years, um, in those years, she battled with the same stuff, and I knew what it felt like. I knew what it felt like to not have um parents that show up. And I had become that. And it I became and like it just sort of metamorphosized into somebody that I never really wanted to be. But I was probably that and worse, and I couldn't come to terms with that. So the repetitive using for me just stopped me from even having an acknowledgement of that. Did you ever know it was going to end badly? I had I had the strangest, most defining moments when I was in active addiction. Um I I'd I was at a shopping center and I was drinking and I was using, and I went into this bathroom, and there was this very long mirror, and I just stared at myself. Um, and I really there was like this moment of like hopelessness and this deep sadness that I was gonna die this way. I was like, I can't fix this. I'd realized that this was bigger than me. And I think that that is really difficult to come to terms with, but I I'd accepted it, and um, that was exceptionally difficult for me uh because I I knew that it was so bad and that I at the time, because I'd already been to rehab once before. So between rehab uh stint one and the second time that I actually started recovery, there was 10 months in that, and I and those were the worst 10 months of my life, and I really believed I was gonna die that way, and that there was no way to. I was like I've already been and it didn't work. So I'm like I'm minced, it's the end. Going into rehab the first time, and I'm jumping now, but I just want to get this out the way. Going through rehab the first time, was it your choice, or were you kind of forced? Or I was in a very dysfunctional, toxic relationship, and I really believed that the reason why um I was using was because of this person. I really convinced myself that it was this dude's fault. One of those excuses we make again. Yeah, and you know, and blame, shaming others. And I actually the reason why I went there was because um I had ruined Christmas and I had disappointed my whole family. It was like big drama. And I thought, you know, it again, it was another attempt to avoid consequences. So um I was exceptionally manipulative and strategic when I was using, and I thought, you know, this is the way that I'm gonna get out of this relationship. It's all this dude's fault. I'm gonna repair everything with my family, and I'm gonna show them that I'm taking it seriously. It's December. You know, it's not gonna impact work too much. I'm gonna be okay. And I went there. My my motives and my intent, and it's something that I pick up, you know, now a lot with people that I sponsor being in the rooms a lot, doing a lot of meetings. Um it's we all have this behavior, you know, it's anything to protect yourself from relinquishing yourself from the using. And then when you get caught, it's about anything to protect yourself from consequences. And that mission was not about, I may have driven myself there, but that was completely and utterly for me to avoid consequences, and I did not take it seriously at all. Let's talk about that statement you made now. Getting caught, the double life that we live. How good were you at hiding it? And what did hiding it actually cost you? Because it costs you hiding your life like at the double life, it starts costing you. So I I laugh because I think that um, you know, I can only speak from my own experience. I think that it's the most hysterical that I actually believed that other people didn't know. You know, I really thought that I had this waxed. Um leading a double life is is terrible. It is honestly, I don't wish it. I I I love the life that I lead today. It's so authentic. You know, there's nothing to hide. It's all transparent. I speak about recovery. Uh I own my stuff. I will tell anybody what I what I did. What and I still make new mistakes today or whatever. But of course, I really, uh the anxiety that comes with um with the bullshit and the lying. And I'll lie and I'll do anything to protect my using. I don't want people to know that I don't want them to know like the extent of it. I don't, I, I couldn't, how could I get honest with other people when I was lying to myself about it? You know, in the double life, um, you know, trying to be a doting mom and showing up when you hung over because you had like four days of doing whatever and trying to control this thing at work and having this preoccupation with I can't wait for four o'clock, I can't wait for five, I just want to get out of here so I can go. You know, you never, your head is never where your feet are, and it's it's a very, very difficult thing to sustain. Do you remember the lies you kept telling people? Yes. I mean, about my whereabouts was a big one. Um, you know, I'd be, you know, prompted or called out on where I was last night. I couldn't tell the truth. Um, you know, where I was, who I was with. Um, a big one was like, uh, have you been using? Like, you know, you you don't sound right, you don't look right. And then launching into this like traumatic, histrionic sort of, how can you call me, how can you say that to me? Um, how can you call me out? You're so obsessed with me, like you need to focus on your own life. Um it was just ridiculous, ridiculous. Did people what did people see versus what was actually happening? My family knew. Okay. My family knew they couldn't prove it, but they knew. My older sister Simon, she we think people are stupid, but they know that something's going on. She knew, and I think one of the amends that I needed to to make to my mom was the apology about the fact that she backed me. She she really wanted to. I think it's hard for a parent to come to terms with what's actually happening. And I think for my sister, and it caused a rift in their relationship, was she knew for a fact that something was going on and it was bad. And I think that my mother just tried to give me the benefit of the doubt. And um, yeah, it was it was when I think back at it, it is something that I I don't feel shame about it. I'm I'm really sorry, you know, that I did that to the people that I love. I held them hostage. So I was gonna leave this question to the end, but now that you said that, I want I I want to know. Everything that you've just told me that has happened, and yes, we we ran through it quickly. There's so much more. Do you think if that didn't happen, it you wouldn't be who you are today? I don't I don't regret a thing. Okay. I don't regret a thing. And and the reason being is that I've had a very full life. I've had a colourful life, I've had a life with a lot of hardship. I've watched my parents battle with addiction, I've seen my mother rise out of it. Um, I had a very difficult time with it. Um but recovery has built me. It has built me into the woman that I am today, and it has um given me a level of self-awareness that I don't think I would have ever gotten just being a regular person, uh a normie as we call them in the rooms, you know. So I had I had a guest on yesterday, and he he pointed out um the 12 steps. It's only the first two steps to talk about addiction, any type of addiction. The rest of them is a normal living day life that people should live by. Exactly. And that's what you were saying. Like a normal person can live by the 12 steps. I uh when I did my first round of steps, I was I was dazzled by this stuff. And I believe that every person in the world should do a round of steps. Because addict or not, I agree. Yeah, addict or not, there is what I found about myself in there was stuff that I had never known. I'd never had a self-awareness or any kind of awareness of that. Um, those steps reparented me. Uh, they made me uh take extreme ownership for my behavior for myself. Um, there was no longer anyone to blame. And um, I think I said this on your radio show, you know, I believe that if I'm a hundred percent um owner of my problems and where I found myself and my decisions, um, I'm 100% responsible for the solution as well. And, you know, that's what those steps have given me. So would I have done the 12 steps if I didn't if I didn't go through what I went through and also self-inflicted? No, I would not be the woman that has to do. You wouldn't even know what 12 steps are. No. Probably. No. Okay. The woman that you are today. There are women out there that are suffering. All right. For some odd reason, and I might be wrong with this. This is my opinion. I find that women don't talk out about addiction. Okay. I find that men can come clean and it's easier for a man. I don't know. Do you think women experience addiction differently to men? So I think our stories are all kind of much of a matchness, but I'll tell you where the difference lies, or something that I've just come to see being around so many addicts and a woman in recovery. Um society is not fair. It is not fair. There is a lot of judgment that comes with coming forward. There's also a lot of fear that if I come forward, you know, will my children get taken away? You know, will I be judged severely for the rest of my life? Will I be able to um, you know, have a career having this disease? Um, the rules for us are a little bit different. So, and also from an endurance point of view, women have the ability to endure pain for longer periods of time. And Um it's it it's not comparative. I just think that like we we hold a lot more and we can. Like the sustainability of holding pain is is in my opinion a little bit longer. But yes, in society the judgment is rough. And it's not that easy for us to it. That, you know, as somebody that's divorced, should I come forward with this? Like you keep, and and those are also excuses and justifications, but they're real. Those are real fears about will I lose my children, will I lose my job? You know, um, am I forever gonna be judged by society or whatever? And um for me, the second time I went back to rehab, I stopped caring about that because I was like, I'm either gonna do this or I'm gonna die. Nobody's gonna judge me when I'm dead. You know, so I need to move on. And yes, there is a difference. And I think that um, you know, we also, and I think it's very individualized as well. I just think that it's it's tough admitting that I am an addict. It was the hardest admittance and that I'd ever made is to just say it, and what that meant, and the amount of work that's required into recovery. I actually don't like that word addict. We're human, we're not addicts, we're human, and humans go through things and make mistakes and do things. It's human nature. Like, yeah, I find addict is a bit, I don't know, that's just my opinion. Look, I don't mind it. I mean, you can call it whichever thing you want to call it. So, you know, the disease is the disease, and if if we don't acknowledge it, we're in trouble. And I think for me, I just need to acknowledge it is what it is. It doesn't make me any less, it doesn't make me any worse than the next guy. It's just there's there is an extra layer of stuff I need to do. But I think because that word is so hard, people don't want to admit that. But that's why we should say it. We should say it and we should use it so we can like we should normalize it. We should destabilize it, you know, in terms of like the um the stigma that is connected to it. I agree. Um I I must tell you, the most interesting thing for me, I really thought, and I'm sure people are out there judging me. That's what human beings do. Of course, we all judge. Yeah, I still do it all the time, but I have not uh felt that judgment. You know, I haven't. I haven't felt it. And that was my next question, actually. So coming out, okay, and saying I'm the addict. You just said you weren't judged. My question was, did you feel as a woman that you got judged more harshly? So, yes, family gave you the love. Your friends gave you the love. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe what I did was is that I took extreme ownership of it. I was like, this is what it is, this is what I was doing, this is what I was using. I am in recovery. I am required to work the five pillars of recovery in order for me to live a decent life. So if people were judging me, then they were judging me. But it didn't change the fact that I had to put my blinkers on and go do the work. It became immaterial. Do you ever feel like you had to sacrifice parts of yourself coming clean and going into this process of recovery? At the time, I felt that there were sacrifices. Um at the time, you know, sacrificing uh time uh with family, time with my friends. I needed to, I did a 90, I did 104 meetings in 90 days. Um I stayed out of the social scene. I stayed in therapy. I did, you know, processing groups, I did group therapy for like a year. Um at the time I felt like I was sacrificing, I was killing off my old life. At the time it felt like big sacrifices. But um looking back on it, I'm so grateful that I did that because it set the foundation for my recovery. Um, do I feel today? I don't feel like I sacrificed anything. Being active for so long, there were friendships, and I do this for those of you that are listening and not watching. I've got inverted commas behind this. There are friendships that are made. And putting those in the dustbin or the trash can is the hardest thing to do. Take us through that because I'm sure there are women that do not want to admit this because they are scared of being alone, they are scared of losing friends that they drink with, that they use with, whatever it might be. Yeah. So every Tuesday I go and I do a group um meeting inside Heart and House, and this question comes up about what am I gonna do about my friends? And I always say this, I'm like, anyone that's used with you is not your friend, and you are not their friend either. And there's always this emphasis about who these people are gonna lose. Um, those people needed to lose Jade. I I was the friend that your parents needed to, like, you know, I was that guy. And I think that the removal of myself from those people, I can judge them to death and blame them for all the stuff that I did, and they were with me. But I was as bad. If not worse. If not worse, and at 20% plus that, you know, maybe I was worse, but I know that our us all together, whoever those people may be, it was not a good idea, and that I needed to go and fix my stuff uh without all of these people. I don't have one friend from the past, not one. Whatever moments that you felt unsafe during your recovery process, like so what I'm trying to get here, going into the rooms, people are scared to talk, even when they come to for the first time in the rooms. Um, they feel unsafe, they feel they're gonna be judged, um, they feel that someone's gonna walk out those rooms and talk about them, etc. Tell us about that. Look, the one of the the traditions of the rooms is anonymity. Thank you. And I can't still not seven years clean, and I can still not say that word Andrew if you're gonna watch this. Yeah, there's uh I love it when people read preambles. I hate it. I was joking luck. If you can say anonymity in recovery, um do people always practice anonymity? No, they don't. You know, we are still learning a lot of life skills. A lot of people are learning life skills about, you know, uh gossiping and whatever. So, yes. When I went into the meetings and I was like, whoa, I was like, this is a lot. It was a lot of information, it was very overwhelming. What was cool about it is was the vulnerability there, you know, how people were so open. Um, was I fearful that people were gonna tell me? Yes, but I got over it. And I think the point is that is to keep coming back. Um, the most important people in those meetings are the newcomer. I was a newcomer once, and and sharing the message. And I try to keep to those principles as best as I can. If somebody is gonna go and speak about my business that they heard in a meeting to others, they got to do what they got to do, you know, like God's gonna deal with that. But at the end of the day, you know, it is, it's very overwhelming going to your first meeting. It's something you completely out of your depth. You don't know. People are reading preambles, there's service people, people come to you afterwards with literature. You like, what is this stuff? Um, but you know, I trusted a dealer to give me a bag of stuff that I didn't know what was in there. That guy I trusted. So for me, I just adopted the same sort of mentality. I don't know this chick, but she's gonna sponsor. I'm gonna trust a stranger. I'm gonna read this book because they told me to. I became a yes person. Anything they told me to do, I just did it. And it worked out for me. And it's worked out for many other people. Many. Um, I've said we don't even go to the same meetings, um, we go to different places, um, and it's worked out for people. So recovery is an amazing thing. Okay, something that must have been hard. I know it was hard for me. Um, I don't know why I'm getting emotional. Yeah, best thing that I could have done. But talking to your kids. Okay. Take us through that moment where you've had to go sit down with your kids and say, Mommy is an addict. This is what I've done. Well, how did you handle that? What did you do? You're gonna make me emotional. Am I allowed to cry on this? You are. Look, I'm gonna speak about my time. So the first time I went to rehab, I uh my ex-husband and I decided not to tell them. And because I was so secret about this, um, I think that did a lot of damage. They thought I was on a business trip. It was still quite little. And, you know, almost a year later I went back there and I decided to just get honest about this whole thing. And to my ex-husband's credit, he used to bring them to Houghton to see me on visitors' days. And I was I got clean on the 27th of May 2022, and my daughter's birthday is on the 6th of June, and he brought them there. Um, and I had my daughter's birthday on the 6th of June in a rehab. That was not the dream. They deserved so much better than that, they really did. And I was sitting there like a broken, shattered like person and a broken version of myself having my daughter's 10th birthday in a in a rehab, and I think that that for me was a moment where I was like, I have no choice but to get this right because I didn't want this for them, I didn't want that for me. And um I sometimes think about how my ex-husband had to feel doing that, you know, to bring them on that day. And you know, he doesn't know this, but like for me, I have such a deep sense of gratitude for that because there was something in it that changed something for me. Now, making an amends with your kids is not when you come out of a 30-day program and you think that you have the right to go and apologize to them. Kids will always love you, no matter what you do. I have sponsees where their parents have done the worst to them and they still love them. You can't take advantage of the fact that children will always love you. And for me, the amends had to come from the change behavior. I had to change the way that I conducted myself and I had to build trust. And when they got a little bit older, they're 13 and 15 now. We have sat down and we have had some, I've had to sit down and listen and exercise humility and be humble and like really take in how it made them feel. And I think that it's good for me to know the truth of what I did and how I made them feel. Just because the way I saw it is different to the way that they see it doesn't mean that it did not, their their view is what happened. I don't get to tell them that what they experienced is different. And to sit quiet and to take it and to be told that they were afraid of me, that they didn't trust me, and that I'd hurt them was really difficult. But I took it because that is the part of what it is. You you have to absorb that and you have to find a way um to fix that. And I think the only thing that I've done differently um is to be a consistent parent, to be truthful and honest, um, to show up. Uh, you know, to and sometimes they revert back to the anger. I see it, where especially my older daughter will snap at me and she'll mention something about active addiction. And and I'll tell her, I'll say, Ali, you know, I I can see you still holding a bit of resentment. You know, like we we need to talk about, we need to unpack it. Anytime something resurfaces for you, you know you can come and speak to me. And that is something that my mother's given me grace and space to do as well. My mom's told me, Jade, if you need to re-forgive me 40 times, let's have that conversation, let's talk about that. And that's the same thing that I've offered my children. And I think that's the beauty of recovery, is that you I came from addicts, uh, you know, people that, you know, were in addiction. My mom also did this. Is a generational thing in my family, and uh, that's why I work so hard. That's why I'd rather go to a meeting than to a social event, because I I don't want my children to survive me. I want them to experience me in my fullness. Firstly, you're an amazing mom. I can promise you that. Okay. To have told your kids the truth, to have taken them through this journey with you. Have they come to a share before? Yes, they have come to shares. Um, they've come to meetings. I have this book, uh I love it. It's by Rabatwerski, it's the Charlie Brown 12 Steps that they uh they read for a long time on the way to school. Um, my four-year shares coming up on the 28th of May. Um, they're so they're so excited. They always uh joke and they're like, uh Level B. Like, I'm gonna say I'm 15 years clean. You know, um, but I'm really grateful that I've had this experience and that I've shared a lot about you know the signs of addiction. And their father also doesn't drink uh anymore. He also struggled a bit with alcohol. I think he's been sober for 11 years. So he kind of uh he's not in recovery, made that decision. It was more of a life decision for him, and they don't have parents that drink. And I've always said to them, you know, I don't want you to fear um alcohol. I don't want you to fear it. If you decide not to, it must be because that's part of your value system, not because it's a fear-based decision. And I'm glad that they I've heard them speak to their friends about the way that they view alcohol. They joke a lot. There were two little boys that stole some whiskey out of their dad's cabinet. And Alessa was like, there's a bed for you at Houghton House if you carry on like this. I love that. You know, so they're very aware of that, and I think that it's good, especially in society. I know that um, you know, reading statistically, uh, you know, uh the kids of today are not that I uh then don't use as much or drink as much. There's other addictions, which I believe social media, uh there's those things. But at least they know that if the shit were to hit the fan, that there is a program that can help. And over and above that, by what you've done with being honest and talking to them, you've kind of broken that family curse that you've been speaking about. That was there. Um, and not just you, your ex-husband, your your mother, yeah, you guys have all it's broken. You they like you just said, they understand and it's not fearing alcohol, it's they understand addiction, and they understand that I can get addicted to alcohol, drugs, whatever it might be, including social media, yeah, including food, including TV, including all these other things that we are addicted to. So just by doing that, like you know, there is a there is a really beautiful thing about recovery and and being loud about it, you know, to talk about it and to be open with it. Because there have been so many people that have told me that they were inspired by my recovery. And it's everywhere in my life. I have a non-drinking family, um, which is really nice. I also have people at my at my job that have come to me and said, you know, Jade, because of just watching you over the years, I just decided I was gonna just stop drinking. You know, people are not always, you know, like they're not addicts, they just made that decision. And a lot of people reach out to me on social media and say, you know, uh, I saw this podcast or I saw one of your your updates, and I decided to get help. And you don't know that you are impacting others, you have no idea. Um, but you are, you are, and that's why I decided to for two reasons was is that I felt like if I helped one person, then my job on earth was done, and also to hold me accountable. What was harder in your life? Quitting or rebuilding? So I think people worry about that. Like, I'm going to now quit, I'm going to go into rehab, I'm gonna go into the rooms, I'm gonna give up my old life. That's what you do. You give up everything. You really do. Yes, not family, but you give up friends where I go out at night, or what I do, all of that changes. So what yeah, what was harder? Your the rebuild could stopping was easy. That was like the easy part. Um, I didn't have a physical dependency on anything. Um, I really wanted to stop. So that for me was like, cool, we've done that. Coming to terms with who you are, what you did, the things you don't know, um, making better decisions, uh, being challenged on a day-to-day basis. If I behave like this, I am behaving in a way that supports active Jade. If I do make these different decisions, this is what will support Jade in recovery. Changing everything. You know, nothing changes if nothing changes. And having to change absolutely everything, um, also developing a sense of uh self-regulation. I'm quite a feisty person. I I've always been somebody like I will rise to the occasion. There is an undercurrent of aggression that I grew up with, and I was very angry, and I've been very angry in my life. Also, just surrendering, learning how to surrender was really, really hard. Um, I'm like that, I've got that like, you know, that dog in me that I just want to fight all the time. And letting go of that and realizing that um to pick my battles, that I don't have to rise to every occasion, just letting letting God deal with this stuff, becoming more of a spiritually based person. I, you know, and I found myself always praying, like, God help me, help me, help me, help me. And then he would, and I'm like, no, not like that. I want to take my will back. Developing all of these different skill sets has not been easy. It's been really tough. When I'm tired, I've got a hectic job, I've got two kids, so tired. I don't want to go to a meeting, I don't want to feel like this. You know, the development of discipline in viral recovery has been, I'm like, wow, I am like a majorly disciplined human being today. I never had that, and that's and it's hard becoming this person. Somebody's gotta die. And that jade needed to die. I it had to. And the death of that and letting her go and finding a new story and taking responsibility, extreme ownership for my life, letting her go was hard. It was really hard. What's still hard that people don't see today as you sit here? Going to three to five meetings a week, doing stepwork, doing daily inventory, sponsoring other women, being responsible, being partially, I'm not responsible for other people's recovery, but you know, being of support to others, you know, showing up when I'm absolutely exhausted, you know, having a hectic job, trying to raise my children, going waking up at half past three, four in the morning, going to the gym to try to be a healthy person, to eat better, to give a shit about my body, to do all those things and to do it by myself, um, uh, to be a high-performing individual, to be disciplined. People don't understand how hard that is. And on the days when my kids are at their dad, I use those days to study, to work, to go to meetings, to be of service to others, to be um, you know, where I say I'm gonna be. I am a super busy person. I'm tired a lot, but showing up, even though that you're tired, I mean, that's developed a deep sense of self from for me. Um, and people don't see that. You know, you go on Instagram, you post about the fact that you've lost an infinite amount of weight, or you, you know, you've taken your health seriously, or you got promoted, or you got a new job. People don't see like the hard work, dedication, time, energy, lack of sleep that goes into that stuff. They just see the uh reached another milestone and staying clean every 24 hours. I wish people knew how hard that is sometimes. That's tough. I'm tired. Yeah. You are kicking life's ass. I can promise you that. Yeah. You are doing amazing. Well, I've got obsession of the mind, which is what addiction is. I'm obsessed. I'm uh it's have you learned to channel this addiction? It sounds like you have into amazing things, into the service that you give. Into the health part, the gym part. I was unreasonably obsessed with alcohol and drugs to the point that it almost took my life. So if I if I have if I if I know that I can be like that for something that will kill me, and all I did was just take that same energy and put it in another place. That is how I am with my job, with my gym, with my children, all of that. I just needed to, you know, direct it somewhere else. What I have, the disease that I have, I don't see as bad. I see it as a superpower. There we go. Just like ADHD. I believe that's a superpower. I've got a lot of siblings, and I mean a lot of them have ADHD. And I'm like, these people are motoring through life. I think it is something. If you can get the right help and you can get the right direction and the right mentorship, um, if you don't know how to do something, but you seek that out, you can you know you can. Same with addiction, like you said, it's a superpower. It really is. It really is. What would you say to a woman who is struggling but too afraid to speak? Before we time's running out. Let's talk to those people. They they're afraid to speak out, they're afraid of their husbands, they're afraid of their family members, they're gonna lose all of that. Like you said, you could lose your kids. What did you say to that woman? Where does she start? What must she do? I have been that. I have been so afraid. The truth is that you will lose everything anyway. And there is help out there, and it's a case of picking up a phone and speaking to one person. If you don't want to do that, meetings are free. They're all over the country. There's like so many every single day. You can even go to meetings in secret until you find the confidence. There is uh fear is a liar, it really, really is. And I have said this so many times in all my shares, and I will say it here as well. When we ask for help, we will get it. And sometimes not doing it, and the silence that we sit in is an excuse, and that find the courage to speak to one person, just one person, and see where that takes you. I know it's difficult, especially like me. I had no self-confidence. I was really shattered. I didn't have the courage to do it. Um, but um, there is help, whether it's in a church environment, a rehab environment, meetings, at work. There are people that are willing to help. Um, but it it it has to, you have to take the first step. Step out of the door, huh? You have to. I'm gonna end this podcast with this question. Because I want people who are watching, listening to understand what would have happened if you don't change. If nothing had changed, where would Jade be today? Oh truth. Um It was just my birthday on the thirteenth of April. I believe my children would have been visiting a cemetery. And that's really dramatic, but that is the truth.