How to Unbecome Everything You’re Not with Dana Hunter Fradella

In this powerful episode of The FitZen Project, Rachel sits down with Dana Hunter Fradella—host of Girls Who Recover and a bright light in the recovery and coaching space—for a raw and inspiring conversation about transformation, sobriety, and what it really means to be in the business of yourself.

Dana shares her journey from chasing external validation—degrees, careers, relationships, and material success—to burning it all down in recovery and finding the courage to ask: Who am I really? Together, Rachel and Dana explore:

 ✨ How sobriety became the gift that stripped away false identities
 ✨ The concept of “unbecoming” and shedding what no longer serves us
 ✨ Parenting as a mirror and the daily practice of choosing love over control
 ✨ Why true transformation starts with being, not doing

This conversation is equal parts soul work, storytelling, and practical wisdom. If you’ve ever felt the pull to burn down what isn’t working and rebuild from love, this episode will meet you exactly where you are.

Connect with Dana:
🎙️ Girls Who Recover Podcast
📲 Instagram: @girls.who.recover

If you’re a woman on the verge of a personal or professional breakthrough, this gift is for you. Dana is offering The Fitzen Project listeners a free 1:1 Next Level Breakthrough Call — a powerful session designed to help you shatter the glass ceilings in your life and create next-level success and soul-deep fulfillment that feels just as good as it looks. Book yours here — and be sure to tell her I sent you!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

All right. Welcome back to the fits in project. I'm your host, Rachel, and I have the most gorgeous lady here with me today with girls who recover podcast, Dana Hunter Fridella. Yay, we're doing it. I was really fun when I was on your podcast a few weeks ago, and then I did a part two to my podcast and how I took that on. I was like, I wonder if she's going to want to be on mine. And then when you reached out, I was like, it happens.

SPEAKER_00: 0:37

Let's do it. I love

SPEAKER_01: 0:40

it. So thank you so much. And I love your podcast. And it's obviously loved among many to be in the top 5%. Unbelievable. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00: 0:54

I said it was unbelievable, but my coach is like, no girl, you show up for it consistently. You've been producing content every single week. You're growing your audience. You're doing the thing. So it really is inevitable. And I was like, oh, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01: 1:08

Right. Right. Okay. I'll believe it. Thanks. Yeah. And it's so easy to love. I mean, everything that you have put out is so easy to love and the stories and the genuine people that you get to interview, like the Kentucky. Well, me and that teacher. That was a very, that was awesome. So

SPEAKER_00: 1:30

yes. Oh, this, yes. This Kentucky state teacher of the year. That's that's coming out this month. So you got to catch that one. We're doing sober September over on girls who recover. And so the two interviews I'm featuring and then two solos are all about man, the power of sobriety and what that can mean for a brand new life. So I As you know, it's pretty dang powerful.

SPEAKER_01: 1:54

It is amazing. You're doing great work with that. So with the fits and project, it's all about being in the business of yourself and like pulling in this most authentic way and how that helped you thrive up and where you are and how you landed in today. So what's coming first to you to mind that you would love to share?

SPEAKER_00: 2:16

Well, first of all, let me just reflect back to you what a gorgeous powerhouse you you are and what a light you're bringing to the world and just the concept that you're offering to the world of being in the business of being yourself. Let me just say that again, back to you, if you'll receive it. So we're about to have a conversation about being in the business of being yourself, which when are we having conversations like this? Like this is a, this is a revolution. It's a movement of people who are like, wait a minute. I don't have to be all those things they told me. I can actually be the most expansive, gorgeous version of who I came here to be. No way. Tell me again, the business of being yourself. So thank you for this movement that you're creating. And I love being a part of your world, Rachel. You're just, man, you're such a big, bright light. Thanks for inviting me into it. Of

SPEAKER_01: 3:15

course.

SPEAKER_00: 3:16

Well, I'll tell you the first thing that got downloaded for me when you said the business of being yourself. My husband and I were talking about the same concept this week about how so much of our lives as grown people is about shedding the parts of us that aren't actually us. And I use this analogy with a client recently when we were talking about, man, it's like we're showing up in the world with a bunch of clothes that are out of season Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 4:22

And

SPEAKER_00: 4:22

so when I think about the power behind just the simplicity of being yourself, it comes down to this question. Well, who am I? What? Who even asks that? How dare we pose the question? Who am I? And so I'll borrow this. I might botch it, but our shared mentor, Kathy Heller, really lots of conversations she had Dr. Deepak Chopra on her podcast. So we'll do it together. So we close our eyes, take a deep breath in. And Rachel, I'm going to ask you, who are you? And then just say the first thing that comes to mind. Who are you? I

SPEAKER_01: 5:12

am Rachel.

SPEAKER_00: 5:14

Yeah. Okay. And now let's just drop Rachel. Like it's not a part of you anymore. It doesn't exist. Take a deep breath in and out. Without that label of Rachel, who are you? Rachel.

SPEAKER_01: 5:32

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 5:54

So we take off first. A lot of the business of becoming, as I understanding it, is first asking the question, who am I? And then asking the question, well, who am I not? Right? Like that one might be easier. That one might be easier to start with. And when I do work with my clients, the first thing I ask is, well, what are you struggling with right now? Like what's not going well? Because until we are awake and aware of the gap and the struggle and the longing, it's going to be a little more challenging to put the icing on top of the vision that you'd like to create your life that you love. The problem with that is most people get stuck in the, I'm not this, I don't like this, I'm not for this, I'm against this, I'm fighting this in the resistance, which really just creates more of that, right? So how do we even decide who we are? Well, a little bit of like a gentle framework is maybe a meditation, maybe a couple of breaths, maybe a pen to paper. And you just write at the top, I am. And in my case, I would write, I am a woman who I am a woman who, and that helped me and helps my clients get clear on the most important work of the world, which is our identity, which determines our assignment. Who am I? And to sort of shorten this up, I could, you can start there. And then as an addendum, who am I not, or who am I done being, or what's not a part of me? And I'll just sell like a, let's bring it out of concept and into life. So we both grew up, you grew up in Kentucky too.

SPEAKER_02: 7:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:37

Yeah. Me too. Okay. Well, I Eastern Kentucky and I grew up in a middle class with a lot of privilege and I went to the only high school that there was, but I was told things like, oh, you're definitely going to college or you're good at this, but not good at that. And I'll give you an example that really is like, I like to bring this back, especially since a lot of my career was in education. So for a long time, I loved math. I just loved it. It made sense to me. I liked all the different paths to the right answer. And so I excelled in it. I was in advanced and up and up and up and up and right after, right before I got to AP calculus, the teacher was like, and this is a woman too, right? She said, oh no, you're, you're, you don't have what it takes to do AP calculus. And so I'm 16 at the time. And even though I had, you know, 16 years track record of slaying the bay and math class, I believe what this woman said. And so from then until I woke up and realized that was just something that I agreed to, I believe that I didn't have what it takes to achieve at math.

UNKNOWN: 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 8:45

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00: 8:46

And so when I went to a very prestigious university and I was like, oh, I'm not good at math, I better enroll in remedial classes. The universe is sneaky, right? She's going to get her way. And so when I landed in a classroom of sixth graders who walked in thinking, saying, oh, Ms. Hunter, I'm not good at math. I'm like, nay, nay, that's an agreement you've made and we're going to disagree. Okay, where are we going, right? So that's a layer of realizing that is a piece of clothing or a piece of identity that I picked up, no shame, no blame. It just happened. Let's not judge it and waste our own time and energy. And are you, am I ready to take that off and exchange it for something that I do choose that does look a little more like me? And in that case, I was. And so that's my whole process as of expansion and transformation is letting go of the things that I'm realizing aren't a part of who I am. And then being curious about what is it that lights me up, which is when I am in true being, like I'm here with you and I gave a talk last night and with my one-on-one and clients and on my own podcast, that's me being at the highest frequency. And so starting with that, and it's less something that I can explain with my mind, but it's like a full body resonance thing.

SPEAKER_01: 10:14

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 10:14

where it's like every cell is lit up

SPEAKER_01: 10:16

see it and that's like you're you just magnetize people you know like I'm so attracted to you and everything that you have available like your podcast your coaching like all of it it is such a package of like this is who Dana Hunter Fratella is like you are an empowerment and like that to me is what you are but like how you got there you know you're you shed it off it's like the gear of the snake with that we're in right now 2025 all the nine taking it into transformation like this is it i love it

SPEAKER_00: 10:54

Yes. Tell me more. And that's so interesting because we started with who am I? And so if I take myself into a little bit of a meditative state, the first thing I actually want to shed is, oh, I'm Dana Hunter-Fordella and I'm a podcast coach and I'm a coach and I'm in this. Because what that does is it allows me to expand my vessel to resonate with the being of who am I? Okay, I'm actually a vessel for light, a vessel for love, my story that helps empower others, but that's not like, I am not my name or my job or my position or my role, my business and being is to, I'm a projector by human design. So it's to literally project light into the consciousness of whatever room I get to walk into. And that even feels too small. If we're talking about who are like, what business, are we even talking about being what a cool conversation to have okay but what was the question I definitely went off track

SPEAKER_01: 12:02

well just like how you got into this being in the business of yourself like what was this that was like your switch of the flip flips of the switch

SPEAKER_00: 12:12

I really like switch of the flip better so let's just keep it that way it's like my little my little girls they will pick up something that's just a little bit different than the like traditional saying, like they'll say, I want to wear my bikini to the beach. I'm like, girl, where are your bikini to the beach? And I won't correct them because it's like the most gorgeous interpretation of what they're about to do in life. Don't change it. Just keep it. Okay. So I want to say for a long time, and there's this line in the sand that I can't help but mention, and it was before I got sober. And before I got sober, I was was in the business of being what I thought I was supposed to be. So I got multiple degrees from really fancy places that I thought were going to credential me and my own worthiness. I lived internationally and bought things like houses and cars and dated wealthy, prestigious men and thought all that would make me qualified as being worthy and enough. And I had these jobs, like the dream job. I remember being like, I'm in my dream job. job, but really I'm like, what am I even doing here? This is not where I'm supposed to be. And at the pinnacle of mine, I'll put this in my career, right? Which is just attachment. Another, I call it the suffocator for like limits the expansion because you're on this career and you have to stay that way. So I'm there, but I also have a pretty gnarly case of alcoholism. And I know this conversation isn't about that, but I am so grateful that those two things in the end collided and exploded because thanks to my alcoholism and subsequent sobriety and recovery, I was able to involuntarily surrender and release everything that was not me. And so when I walked in the doors of the recovery community, I had nothing. I didn't have a job. I barely had a home. I didn't have any relationships. It was all in smolder. It was smoldering and ashes. And when that, it was a gift because I got to, I had this beautiful opportunity to ask the question, well, who am I now? Now that I don't have alcohol, which was my main contender. I mean, it was my lover, my best friend, my favorite thing to do, my hobby, my happy, my sad. And then I also didn't have my career that I worked so hard for and I didn't have relationships and I didn't have any of that. that made me who I thought I was. What a gorgeous gift to burn it down. I love that you're using fire. So there's phase one. And I wish, Rachel, I could say to you, oh, I got sober and I remembered who I was and I redesigned my life. And in many ways, that's true. It is. But I still clung to those things that I thought made me important and special and different and unique and smart and driven. Yeah. Man, people will be like, that girl is driven, you know, when really it's like controlling and over caffeinated. I

SPEAKER_01: 16:05

know so many. Oh my gosh. So the other day I just released a podcast about the fires and the phases and how they run into the energy work. And I love that you are like in this ashes and you're smoldering and you're using these like exact terms that I had just released into these like phases of life. But it's like, those were clear your lessons here and like your things that like you got to build this new foundation on. And it doesn't happen overnight. There are like come ups and comes back, comes up some bags. And then like you realize now you're in this like control world, over caffeinated, carry on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:49

Well now, so I'm in recovery. So I don't have alcohol or other substances to like point the finger at. That's not my problem anymore, but I still keep getting myself into the same cycle of I'll jump into a role. And at that time it was an education, which I said I loved and maybe, but authentically that actually wasn't what I loved. And when I go back to how I got into education accidentally, it was because I wasn't sober enough to get into law school. And so my best backup was to teach for America, which at the time was very, and still is very competitive. So my ego was like, well, we have to do that. because that's the thing that will make you not getting into law school. Okay. Because it was super competitive, but my sorority sisters laughed at me. They're like, did Tina, you don't even like kids. What are you doing? I was like, Oh, that doesn't matter. Right. So from the jump, it's like, what are we even doing? And to bring it forward in a recovery, I still thought, well, that's my career. I have to stay in my career. So I continue to seek out high powered, high over-functioning jobs that and education that would be in charge because that's how I was trained and make a lot of money because that's what I thought was going to make me happy. And then wonder why I was having nervous breakdowns every three years. I remember I got suspended from my director position on my third recovery birthday because of just total misalignment between me performing and the authenticity of what was bubbling up. And that's been truthfully the last two years So I'm about to be, I'll be 16 years sober just to help myself with the timeline. 16 years sober in December. Hooray. And I have spent the last two years of that really expanding into who I actually am and letting the rest of it go. Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 18:49

wow I love that this is almost newish to you but like you're doing it with so many people and you're like reaching out your hand and you're like come with me like come with me you know and that's how I see you now I mean I've gotten to know you and watch you since basically January and

SPEAKER_00: 19:13

you are

SPEAKER_01: 19:15

like this open just container of like love like come with me I don't have all the right answers I don't have all the things but like this is what I'm doing it feels good and it's like unraveling and unwrapping and like

SPEAKER_00: 19:30

and that's that's kind of magical that you say that Rachel because that is one of the things that I had to surrender I've truly believed and an old coach of mine said oh you were suffering from lone ranger syndrome honey and lone ranger syndrome is exactly what I had and it was this deep-seated belief it's very western in its nature very patriarchal as well and often used against women subconsciously and it's this idea that I have to do it on my own and I'm going to be successful I'm going to work really hard you know I chuckle because it's like oh no put me in a group project and it was like my eyes rolled in the back of my head because I was an outperformer an over performer and I would work faster and I'd work harder and I'd do the thing right but like every once in a while I'll end up on the floor cracked open and nervous breakdown panic attack No wonder, like, I don't have any friends. You know, like, actually, I'd get to the top of the mountain and then set it on fire because I'd be so lonely there. Yeah. And so to hear you say that in the new paradigm of who I get to be in the world is come with me. What else is there really? Well, there was what I was doing before, which is working really hard and over grinding and that I would make it to the top because I was relentless and driven. Air quotes. Yeah, right. We know what that means. And then I would get to the top of the mountain and I would hate my life and I would hate myself and it would be terribly lonely. Yeah. And I was like, but wait, I followed the prescription. You gave me the recipe. You said, if I went to college, I don't know who you is. Right. I'm not, there's no blame. It's not individual. It's just like cultural, the culture of patriarchy, essentially, and American values of the dream. Right. I love talking about dreams, but I mean, your dreams, the ones that actually come from your soul, not the ones that say you got to buy a house. You have to drive a nice car. I mean, I have all those things. Right. Because I initially bought into, Oh, well that's going to make me happy.

SPEAKER_02: 21:37

And

SPEAKER_00: 21:39

then there's this moment where I'm driving a nice car. I have this beautiful family. We just bought this huge house that my kids have so much room. They get lost in everything I've ever wanted. And I'm sitting in the back on the back porch and I can't stop crying because I feel so empty. It's like, Oh, okay. Well, that's not who I am. Great. Well, who am I? Apparently it's come with me. Who cares about all that other stuff? I mean, yeah, I don't know if anything came out for you that you want to ask about with that, but it's been a wild ride and I mostly have no idea what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01: 22:17

I don't think anyone does. And I think that's, what's really cool. And I don't really care where this conversation goes and like what we're, I think we've already touched on how you got into yourself and where we're at. So now we just get to flourish in that and like, let that bloom for a bit because i'm really loving how this is even going anyway and i didn't have i don't script anything quite frankly i just kind of roll

SPEAKER_00: 22:43

with it through life

SPEAKER_01: 22:44

with what comes up what comes up what comes out all the things but what i'm really liking with what you're saying is resonating with me because like just recently i was about to buy a house that thank goodness like it didn't go through it had like it had issues that i wasn't willing to buy basically somebody else's issues and then you know my house I'm looking at it and it's like perfectly imperfect everything is just exactly as it needs to be the roof started leaking the day I put the offer in on the other house and I'm like interesting what is going on here what divine timing so I just got a new roof on top of that and like you're talking about new cars and I'm thinking I need to get a new car soon but like do I no but you know what's really fun is not that my dad has a lot of life figured out but he's got enough life to where I'm like let me hear what you have to say and my dad told me and tells me all the time because he used to own this house and then they sold it life happened 20 years later it was up for sale I bought it moved in by different people unrelated but he was always he's told me for the past four years that I've lived here now like I almost wish I never sold it because it was like paid off and then what we could have done you know like where we could have gone but then they did they bought it and they've got their other house and they're fine and everything's gorgeous and life worked out really well for my parents and everything but he tells me this as like almost this yourself thing is a mirror of like how to be in love with life and love yourself back to life type thing and that's what I'm getting out of you and his words are in my head probably maybe because he's just like right outside but also like just like loving your life loving yourself back to life and like you did that being in the business of yourself and like peeling that off to see what direction you were gonna weave into

SPEAKER_00: 25:00

And that is a beautiful reminder that it's funny. You know, I don't want to, I just tease you because you're a project manager, but I'm really teasing me because I was that person who said, I have a six month plan. I've got a one year plan. I've got a five year plan. I've got a 10 year plan. And, and then secretly I was like, I had the whole life plan. And that was so, it's so such a, for me, right? Like no, people that work that way and love it. Like, that's great. I didn't necessarily love that. I just loved the safety that it created because it allowed me to feel like I had some sort of control in my life when everything else felt very much out of control. And that the symptoms of that were, you know, even before I touched alcohol and drugs, I had issues with eating. I relied on men or boys, boys, let's be real, to validate my worth. I looked like, well, if I have this kind of boyfriend, then I'm okay. Or if this Jeep Or just reliance on these outer things versus, which is why I had to hold on so tightly to the plan, to

SPEAKER_02: 26:10

the

SPEAKER_00: 26:12

plan A. And then there, of course, you know, that stuff catches up with me. So there's gotta be a plan B, but I never thought there would be a plan C, which is like, there's the fuck the plan. It's gone. Sorry to use that word here, but there's no plan. We've just burned it down. Now what? And I'm glad too, that it was involuntary because I would never have surrendered. it on my own. I mean, it had to take what it takes. And so now, not that there is no plan, but I'm definitely unattached to it. So when I say I don't really know what I'm doing, I really mean that because there isn't a ladder anymore. There's no stairway to heaven here. It's literally how deep can I go into the present moment?

SPEAKER_02: 26:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 26:55

And behind every emotion and every word and every energy of the present moment that There's always love and there's always light. Now, sometimes we have to rage until we get there. Sometimes we have to sob until we get there, but always in the present moment, that deep presence, there is abundance and there's everything we've ever wanted, which is love and connection.

SPEAKER_01: 27:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 27:18

Love and connection. I love

SPEAKER_01: 27:18

this. This is also a conversation I've literally had this morning with my mom. My parents are with us. Love you, mom. I

SPEAKER_00: 27:29

know your mom too. Me too. Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_01: 27:35

Right? on this really cool one I wish I knew the name and I don't but either way it was about karmic relations and how that energy is actually moving in the world right now and you touched on it like perfectly that it is basically like this love line and then it's the reaction that's almost like a heartbeat that goes up and down and up and down but the love is what's constant here yes and it is yeah like that's the karmic reaction and the flow that we're in right now. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 28:37

It reminds me of this concept that comes from Course in Miracles, which has helped me understand the world in a different way and helped me understand my kids in a different way. And when I was with students and my clients, it helps me just understand... how to be in the world. So the concept of it is this, is that all human behavior is either love, straight out love, or it's a call for love. It's a call for love. So I'll just give you an example this morning. So my, I woke up, I'm the first one up. My oldest daughter is always the first one down. I'm like, good morning, beautiful. How was your sleep? And we hug each other. She's 10. So it's comes in for the hug. It's like, yes, that is love in its purest form. Just a meeting, a connection, a hug. I love you. Okay. Now my second daughter, she had a hard time waking up because we did not get enough sleep last night. That's a different story. And so she went into a full meltdown mode, full meltdown. I mean, screaming, throwing things, yelling at the top of her lungs, crying. And this is like, Hey sis, it's Wednesday. We Let's go. But what her reaction, which is not unlike the way adults behave in the world, let's be honest, in some cases when we're, we're dysregulated or we're in a fear, we feel, I'm feeling like we're not going to get something we need or lose something we have. She's, that's a call for love. She needed love in that moment.

UNKNOWN: 30:17

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 30:17

And so what I've realized is my assignment in the world, I'm very imperfect. I did not nail it even this morning, even though I'm like awake to this now, is when there is a call for love, we answer it with love. We don't answer a call for love with a call for love. That's just as more calls for love. So an example of the best way to meet the call for love with love in a real world, real time, this morning situation is I abandoned all notions that we were going to be on time for school, which is, it's got a little PTSD in it. Cause like we were always late growing up and we were always doing me in trouble at school because we were late, you know? And I'm like, we're going to be on time in my family as I scream at everyone, you know? Okay. Work in progress, giving myself all sorts of grace. So the most powerful way to meet that call for love this morning was to sit on the car and be like, what do you need? What's going on? You're kicking in. Love you. You want some water? You want a hug? You want me to hold you? What do you need? And just totally abandon all constructs of time and space that we were going to make it to school and make the most important thing in that moment, me being love. Two, arguably the most important thing in my life, definitely in that moment. What I traditionally have done is be like, Audrey, I gotta go. We're going to be late. They're going to kick us out of school. I told you to lay your clothes, you know, like meeting that call for love with a call for love and somebody's got to show up and be loved. And so this business of being yourself for me, anyway, the assignment is to show up and be loved as often as is possible, humanly possible. I wish I could say spiritually possible, but like often my humanity is running the show.

SPEAKER_01: 32:14

Yeah. Right. I wish my humanity didn't run the show all the time. time all right like I love her so much but gosh yeah

SPEAKER_00: 32:25

so and it's terrifying not just these interactions with my sweet kiddos but letting go of old ideas like it's important to be in school on time is it really what's more important in this moment that I love my kid or that I'm on time to school what is the most important thing my old paradigm screams that the most important thing is they've got to be at school that's what makes you a good mom make sure that they're dressed and have the right clothes and have the right food and what are they going to think you know that's the unbecoming that's what I'm unbecoming so maybe the business is actually the business of unbecoming because as I'm willing to surrender to that because it's too painful like that way to live that way of living is really painful yeah and surrendering to that unbecoming so that all literally all there is is like you and me Audrey and I'm not leaving you and I love you

SPEAKER_01: 33:27

yeah that is beautiful that is so great and it is an unbecoming because there are so many things like there's a podcast or maybe a book I don't know something that I had heard and it landed so well it was like unfuck yourself like I'm like, yes, of course. Because I have done nothing but just grind it up and wind it up. I'm doing this right now. Do you see this with this bread thing? And I'm twisting it and I'm like, if I just let it go and unwind it, the circulation comes back to the top of my finger. Wow. It is unbecoming in so many things. And if we aren't open and awake we miss it luckily you've been doing this work and you met your daughter exactly as she needed this morning right so

SPEAKER_00: 34:28

that's and you know what's interesting rachel is we were on time barely but we made it

SPEAKER_01: 34:33

but you made it right so funny too because i love how kids are like our biggest mirror and there are teachers and like all all of life and i didn't know that until i had one and i'm like oh my goodness you're just like me and I don't even know that I like me. Like, why are you just like me?

SPEAKER_00: 34:51

I'm like, I don't like that part of me. And then I'm like, we're going to have to get it to the other Dana.

SPEAKER_01: 34:59

So Theo is having a blast right now, learning yoga, doing yoga with me to the point that like, we're going to have our own yoga show with a mommy and me yoga Saturday morning at 9am for everybody Eastern. And it's on, it's on the notes. But anyway, he's been wanting to get yoga clothes in the mail because i buy everything on amazon let's be honest like i just don't shop i'm just online everything so he's been waiting for these yoga clothes in the mail and they finally came last week got them washed he had a complete come apart because he wanted to wear them like right then and there and i'm like no no no they've been in the mail we're washing them and then i'll put them on her body so the day before he wanted to sleep in his yoga clothes to before school and he just started school yesterday and I'm like no um what if you just waited you could wear it to school tomorrow and he's like yes I want to wear it on my first day of school so it's like these electric blue pants that literally looks like a lightning bolt and he's got this like stargazing tie-dyed blue and black shirt with a monster truck and a dinosaur driving it's like total four-year-old dream outfit, right? You can imagine harem pants, MC Hammer pants on this four-year-old. He was loving himself and loving everything about this outfit. And it was a bit extreme. He's going to this little Christian school and he walks up there and all the kids are in their little polos and other clothes that are just not anything on the spectrum whatsoever. And I'm in my tie whitewashed shirt whatever dropping him off like to be expected as a yoga teacher but he gets up there and his teacher's like whoa I love your outfit you know welcome to PK4 it's gonna be lit this year and he's got his like light up shoes and everything like he's so himself and I'm loving it so where I'm going with this is I sent this out to a group of people and someone replied and was like is this a joke like look at look at his outfit you know and then like realize like that's my actual child and like it did backtracked or whatever and I'm like man if I'm the one that takes on what you know I would hope he didn't get when he was at school as an adult I'll take it for him because I can do that and I'll show you love and compassion and we're turn, maybe that's your inner child wishing you could have worn something so cool. Yes,

SPEAKER_00: 37:54

that's exactly what it is. So that reminds me of one of my very favorite books. I'm just like the foundation of everything is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And he talks about basically the domestication of the planet and how from a very young age, women specifically, but men also, everyone in their own way. I've just happened to especially and how it works for women. But we're told from a young age, you're at a line. That's not reasonable. That's not logical. You can't wear blue pants to first day of school, things like that. Girls aren't good at math. You can't possibly make that much money. How could you ever be, you know, it's like this domestication of what's acceptable, what's okay. I mean, given your familial structure, your social economic context, but it's domestication. And so part of the business of being is undomesticating yourself and saying, you know what? That's an idea that I thought was mine, but is not. And here's the most beautiful part. Are you ready? Don Miguel Ruiz makes it so simple. He's like, that's an agreement that you've made. And maybe it was unconscious and it's okay. There's no blame or shame needed here, but here's the power tool. You get to disagree at any time. And then you make a new agreement. Yes, I will wear my green pants. Yes, I will. Or my blue pants. Yes, I will wear my favorite pink dress two days in a row with some stains on it. Yes, I will. Whatever your new agreement is. And one of the cool things I love about spending time in community with women, especially women, as we're on the rise of wisdom in days and years, is that we don't have as many Fs to give. And so we unbecome that F and that F and that thing we thought was important and we do it together in community, which is why it's so meaningful to hear you say, come with me because you do the same thing because we can't unbecome in isolation.

SPEAKER_01: 40:03

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 40:04

And so the process of selecting the people in whom you share a community is really important because naturally we're going to calibrate to the people around us. And so I love up-leveling my communities in terms of the authenticity and the audacity and the bravery, which is where I seek now. I don't seek out your, I don't care about your salary or your credentials or your degree. I don't care about that anymore. It doesn't mean anything except for you got a piece of paper and you got, you got sheeped. What's it? Sheeped when someone, Oh, you, someone pulled the wool over your eyes. Just like I did. Right. Oh, Okay, good. Now our goal as women specifically, I just feel like it's our assignment, is to so audaciously remember who we are. And it's not like I have to create it. I've always been this. And so layer by layer, idea, idea, belief, belief, behavior, behavior, I unbecome. It's almost like Leonardo da Vinci when he was asked about the way he carved the David statue which is in Italy. It's beautiful. I've seen it in person. It's very... And I was a teenager too. And he has a very big penis. That was like very shocking. Okay. That's a different story for a different time, Rachel. But what he said was, all I did was cut away the pieces that were not David. That's it. And I think that's the long and short of how do we be in business of becoming ourselves? We... maybe not cut away, but like gently release the parts of us that aren't authentic to who we are. And in that, we remember who we've always been. Yeah. And we have some things in common, oh humans, because we're created by the great creator. The waves are created by the ocean, you see. And so we resemble the nature of the creator. So what are we? If you're asking questions like, well, who am I? Before you go to chat GPT, go to your heart space, take a deep breath and listen to what the rhythm of your heartbeat says. It will always say something like love, love, love, worthy, worthy, worthy, whole, whole, whole. And it'll be simple. It won't be complex. It won't have anything to do with education or finances, but it will be a remembrance. of what your soul's essence is, which is generally love, worthiness, wholeness.

SPEAKER_01: 42:56

Light. Light. So much. Absolutely. You nailed it. this needs to be a podcast but also like a book right let's do it we can co-author

SPEAKER_00: 43:11

the business of unbecoming maybe

SPEAKER_01: 43:12

there you go that's right yeah that's beautiful and I love that because I see this and I don't know if it's because I'm in it but I see it so much now and so many women that I are that obviously are in our mentorship program but also like my mom's not in the mentorship program but she's in her own unbecoming in this own like empowerment and i see it with a couple of my friends even and then i see some people who were like what are you doing you know what who are you i still see that

SPEAKER_00: 43:53

how dare you shit how dare you shift how dare you expand and you nailed it rachel it's that part of them that little part of them that never got the encouragement and the affirmation and the support that you get to give your son. And I get to give my daughters and everyone around us that wanted that so desperately, but they were domesticated out of it by the math teacher or by the parent or by the preacher or by the community or by whom ever, maybe their own mind. Who knows? It doesn't matter. Does it really? Here's what matters. Ready? Yeah. So if you're listening to this conversation, like, well, okay, well, What do I do now? Can I just offer like a couple of things? Let's hear it. So in the framework or process of transformation, let's say you're like, well, who am I? Right. Let's start there. But before let's back up and we'll treat our life path. Like we're building a home since we've already used that metaphor. We're building a home and you've bought the land and it's by the beach or a lake or wherever you love. But on top of the land is this old building. beat up shack. So you could do a couple things. You could build your house on top of the shack on like stilts or something, and that would be really weird, but you could do it. You could build your house on one side of the land and just let the shack stay on there, but that probably wouldn't be awesome either. But you could. You're in charge. You bought it. It's yours. You could decide this shack has got to go. I'm ready to be done with it, which is what I recommend. And so it's the first question I ask women when we work together is what are you ready to be done with? What's your shack? Take inventory of your life. Just look at the four main areas, your health and wellness, your love and relationships, your career and creative expression, your freedom, time, money, and personal. In those four areas, what are you ready to be done with? And then we decide, we make a decision, I'm going to be done with it. And the second part is great. Now that you're clear on what you're ready to pull up from the foundation and raise from the bottom, what would you love? So bringing it back to the house analogy, would you love six bedrooms or eight? Would you love four bathrooms or 10? Are you having three floors or one? Let's be specific about what you would love for your life. Please don't go to your architect and tell her you want a big, happy house. Give me a good house. I want a good, nice Your architect is going to be like, girl, come on now. Be more specific. So as specific as you can get, you answer this question and ask it yourself over and over again. Same areas. What would I love? And you know, I brought this Rachel. Hold on. Let me pull it out. Can I put it away? I don't know. It's my wand though, right? You wave the wand. Don't worry about where you came from. Don't worry about your degrees. Don't worry about your problems. Don't worry about your trauma, your drama. Don't worry about all that weight. wave it away and just go to your heart and ask the question, what would I love? And then don't go to your mind, go to your heart and then let it pour out. Get a pen and write it down. There's power in the transference of the energy between your soul and the ink and the page and watch what comes out. So the step one is decide what you're going to do with the shack. Step two is architect, be the architect that's Designs the most beautiful blueprint for the home of your dreams, home being your whole life. Using the foundational question, what would I love? Notice I didn't say, what do I want? Because want indicates that you don't already have it all. It indicates scarcity and lack, and that's not what we're going for. Can I get an amen on whatever day of the week this is? Amen, yes. But the frequency of the question, what would I love? And even if you ask this question about yourself, who would I love to be? And then write that down. The third part of it is like, okay, well, what's coming up for you now? Because normally when you decide to be somebody different, everything that is the opposite by the universe's law of opposites will rise up to meet you to make sure that you're sure. And so instead of going under the bridge with the troll of your limiting paradigms and beliefs, you say, I see you, I love you. Up until now, I've subscribed to that agreement. And today I'm making a new one. And it's this, it's this vision. It's this dream. It's this part of me that I want to grow and cultivate and nourish, like sitting on the ground with my eight-year-old, being love for the call to love. And then the fourth part, which is where most people start, it's do differently. It's the building part. You build one five-minute action at a time, the next indicated step. From the energy of that woman who's already her. You want to be love? Great. Let's do something with love. And the more actions we take in service to the woman that we're becoming, that we already are, because time and space are an illusion anyway, the more that manifests in reality.

SPEAKER_01: 49:25

Your equation, I've heard you say, is first do and then be?

SPEAKER_00: 49:35

Close. Flip it.

SPEAKER_01: 49:37

Be first, then do? Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 49:40

Okay. Most people start, and then most coaches will start here too. Okay. Well, what's your goal? Great. Well, what actions are we going to take to help you meet that goal? It's very aggro in my opinion. But the real question we want to ask is, okay, great. You have a big dream. Well, who do you need to be? Who

SPEAKER_01: 49:58

do you need to be? Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00: 50:00

Before you take any action, because the impact of the action is always based on the energy of the woman who takes it. So You and I can show up and both record a podcast. Okay. Let's just say hypothetically, we both have great energy. So this is false, but let's go with it. You do prayer, you do meditation, you do a dance before the podcast, you bring on a stellar guest and you record the podcast and it's wildly successful. I started my day off wrong. I had too much coffee. I skipped my meditation. I didn't exercise. There was so much traffic and I really just wanted to get the interview over with. So I bring on this guest I go through the motions I've published the podcast which podcast do you think is going to have the greatest impact mine not but we did the same we did the same doing right but the impact is based on who we're being in the

SPEAKER_01: 50:58

moment yeah it was being

SPEAKER_00: 51:00

who we're being that that doesn't mean don't take action when you don't feel good because sometimes we just have to be in devotion to the practice but the formula isn't perfection it's can Can we turn the dial up just a little bit higher than we have done before? Can I expand my energy and be more love today than I was yesterday or more this afternoon than I was this morning? And then underneath this is this deep love of self, which gives so much grace. How do I do that? I'm not going to be real with you, Rachel. I'm going to go spiritual. I can't. I have to be plugged in to the spirit of the universe. I have to. And I will unabashedly say I can't coach you from the mind. I'm not a mind coach. I'm not a mindset coach. I actually think that all of our spiritual separation lives in the mind. So I want to meet you in the land of the spirit where we both plug in as waves into the ocean and remember who we are and then take action from that kind of energy.

SPEAKER_01: 51:58

Yeah. I love that. I love where you just took us there because on Friday, I was that energy of, oh, I couldn't drink enough coffee. I couldn't get up out of bed I literally was paralyzed just waking up on Friday morning and I had a yoga class to teach and a full day's work like I just didn't want to do it so get to yoga and I'm like it's a 75 and sunny day I know that's my favorite favorite favorite tucky almost fall morning but not really but perfect and being inside was like claustrophobic i cried my entire way to class so i go outside and i'll see how gorgeous it is after i arrived and i'm like who will meet me out here and do this yoga class outside because i knew from everything within me there was nothing that i could teach but i needed that spiritual connection with the sun and the earth under my feet to get through that whole entire class and it was through that and allowing myself to be that conduit like from and to and to and from like that is how i even moved through that i don't even know really how i taught that class but it was a whole hour's worth of connecting and it was connecting with my spirits my my god like my way And having that sunshine and that portal come right

SPEAKER_00: 53:32

into my heart. in a way that works. Your way is on the earth and in the sun. My way sometimes is in stillness and meditation. Sometimes it's exercise or whatever it is. But we don't have to stay asleep at the wheel, if you understand. I picked this up from recovery is we can restart our day anytime. Anytime. We can get reconnected anytime. And that's why, and I really don't mean this arrogantly, but I do say this confidently it's been a really long time since I had a bad day because I'm awake now and I know how to use the tool. It's like, and that doesn't mean it's a perfect, but it does mean I woke up at some point and decided that I was going to plug in, start over, come back home, connect to the spirit of the universe and try to be of service and more love, which means on the whole, every day has been a good day.

SPEAKER_01: 54:52

Yeah. I love that. I love that. I, um, I know the tools. I don't think I can say that in full faith because as of last week, I was just like... trying to get through because they keep like these emotions and it's almost like it's trying to be a cape you know and these bad emotions that come through but it had to work its way through yeah so i could get to today literally today but it was like was it a good day probably if i could say yes i ended up connecting and did i fall short shortly after absolutely but then i caught it reset recalibrated tried to I went on 500 walks last week I can't even tell you like my medicine being outside I did yoga almost every single day like it was just like try to meditate couldn't get even out of my head to notice my head you know what I mean

SPEAKER_02: 55:53

like

SPEAKER_01: 55:54

but anyway the tools yes keeping them strong but what if I never had them would I still be in that that's really the flip side

SPEAKER_00: 56:04

I think that's the miracle that all is We wake up one tool at a time. One thing you said though, that I want to hover on just for a second, because some of the work I'm doing right now is with, I'll shout her out, Emily Fletcher. And it's using the alchemization of feelings like sorrow and rage and expressing those and feeling those in a way that's really holy and sacred so that they can move and leave the space for essence of us, which we've already said, wholeness, light, love, right? But I can't just pretend to be wholeness, light, and love if I'm holding on to deep sorrow. So how do we alchemize those feelings that, listen, they're not going to be nudging for long. They're going to nudge, then they're going to poke at you, then they're going to punch you, then they're going to scream at you, and then you're going to be cracked open involuntarily on the could have been expressed and released. And I think that specifically women, men too, I mean, really everyone in humanity, um, I'll quote a Lakota elder via Emily Fletcher, the greatest, all of our suffering, this man said, all of the humanity's suffering is because of the legacy of suffering of emotions or suffocated tears or the like. The gist is our suffering is because we're not expressing our feelings. We're not giving our feelings space and grace to be felt. And so the work that I'm currently doing is, this is going to sound so silly, but it is awesome. And I got introduced to it through breath work, which were, I had the experience of like powerful release of emotions, but it's to set aside sacred time to feel deep sorrow and to feel deep rage. And right now I'm being guided through it. So it's, it's pretty cool. I did this experience last week and it was like 20 minutes and there was so much rage that came out of my body. I thought the police, I was by myself in my house. I thought the neighbors were definitely calling the police. I mean, I don't even know what came out, but there was a lot of it in there, Rachel, which means there's more where that came from. And when we make space to feel the feelings in whatever way feels safe for you, it creates the space for more of who we actually are.

SPEAKER_01: 58:36

I'm

SPEAKER_00: 58:38

not fighting those. I'm not suffocating them. I'm creating space to be with them and feel them so deeply. And Emily Fletcher says... True bliss is any feeling fully felt. Yeah. And often when I'm on trajectory to have, and I'll just put in quotes, because what does this even mean? Like a low day or a bad day? It's because there's some unexpressed feelings that need to be expressed. That they're showing up as low mood or depressed or anxious or whatever. And all that is, is your feelings, emotions being like, hey, I have something to say. Will you please listen to me? And then transformation becomes inevitable. Because there's nothing blocking you from the fastest trajectory to your dreams. That might be a whole new episode, another episode we can talk about once I'm trained and trained in.

SPEAKER_01: 59:36

I would love that. I feel like I'm just like drinking this all up. I'm like, how perfect and right on time is all this? Like it is. It is perfect. Really? Wow.

UNKNOWN: 59:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 59:50

So once you're in that and you release it and you meet yourself and all of you and you bring in your entire self, all of your emotions, everybody to have tea. and it's gone and you have this space now, what do you do with this space?

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:09

Yes, that's a great question. So a lot of the work that I get to do with clients, we're in the business of transformation and you cannot mention transformation without manifestation or co-creation of your own reality. So I call myself sometimes, I'm the dream builder coach. I help you build your dreams, but not from a traditional, let's make the blueprint and actually build the house, but from a spiritual transformative space. We get clear on what you would actually love. We clear the blocks between you and it because it already exists. Everything exists. It's already there. If you can envision it, not only does it exist, Rachel, it's your assignment, which is why it won't go away and it keeps tapping you. And this is my personal opinion. It's why so many of us are overstimulated, over-medicated, over-drinking, over-drugging, over-using, over- overaddicted, it's because we won't give our spirit the chance to speak. The thing that it's like, no, no, you're not supposed to be an architect. You're not supposed to be a math teacher. You're not supposed to be a principal. You're supposed to be a movement maker. What are you doing? But the domestication of the planet suggests that that's incorrect. It's unsafe. Plus your own brain's working against you, right? Okay. But that didn't answer your question. What you do once you create the space is everything you've ever wanted. And maybe it means a fancy car. Like no shame to the fancy car as long as you're not believing the lie that that's the thing that's going to make you feel okay. You can have a fancy car and love it. Fancy clothes, lots of money. Like I'm all for women that have all those things, but not in the name of reliance on that for your true essence and worth and value. You start there and the other, the fancy stuff follows and inevitably does if that's what you would love.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:08

Oh yeah. So

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:10

that's the long and short is when we clear out the stuff, recovery process, the 12 steps has a beautiful process for this and the inventory. And there are many ways to approach it, but so much of the unbecoming is looking square in the eye, the things that have given us the most shame and suffering and disconnection and saying, I love you. I see you. Thank you for protecting me. You can go. We're safe now.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:41

And then in the recovery community, there's the second part, which I like to call the great reconnection where you go and you make things right with the people that you harm and the places that you stole from and the damage that you caused. And you're reminded in that process, not only of who you are, but how perfect you've always been, how clear the way can be and how deeply connected you are as a wave in the ocean. Yeah. Because most of us have spent so much of our lives being like, I'm not a wave. Let me jump out of the ocean. And have you ever seen what happens to water when it leaves the ocean, goes to the sand? Disappears. Just gone. And that's what happens. We disappear in our own addiction and we disappear in our own separation and we disappear in our own depression only because we thought we could leave the ocean. And the whole time the ocean's like, come on back. We need you. Get on the team. We got the jersey. That was

SPEAKER_01: 1:03:41

beautiful.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:41

That's a lot, Rachel. But the gist is you get to love your life. And I don't mean like, like it. I don't mean like be okay with it. I mean, wake up in the morning more days than not and say, oh my gosh, I get to go again. I did this podcast series in July. I don't even remember what it was called, but what kept coming through to me is like, live in your life. Like Meg Ryan experiences her cafe in Sleepless in Seattle where she's sitting there and she's like, yes, yes, yes. She's having like a life orgasm and everybody around her is like, I'll have what she's having. Not in a way that's like, I'm jealous. How dare she? Or I have to have that and then I'll be okay. It's like, oh no, here's somebody who's madly in love with the moment. I'll have some of that, please. Because when we love our lives, we show other people that it's possible. for them to love

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:40

theirs. Geez, part of the ocean. I'm not getting out. I'm not getting out. I've been out. It's kind of cold, but I'm done. So where can my audience who listens to this find you and work with you? How would they get a hold of you?

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:28

Yes. Well, first let me say to you, dear listener, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. I'm so grateful that you're here in the business of being yourself. And I deeply believe in your ability to create a life you're in love with. I believe that. There's nothing you can do about me believing that. So my favorite places to hang out are on my podcast, Girls Who Recover. So come find me there. I also dip in and out of Instagram. I like to hang out on the stories mostly. It feels safe there. And if you're looking to connect, find me on one of those places. Send me a DM, girlswhorecover on Instagram and I cannot wait to get to know you

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:11

I'll put all of that in the show notes you are seriously just like this bright star and I'm just like so magnetized too and I am so grateful that you are here that you've shared your life story with us your gifts with us like I feel like I am sitting with a bunch of gifts right now and I need to open them up like that's how this feels like there's just presence at my feet

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:41

wait rachel can i just say can i say one thing it's not that it's you are the gift you are the gift it's you well

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:52

thank you i'm gonna go tap into me just see what all is coming up for this like i've got notes i cannot wait to re-listen to this like there were there were things you stunned me there were things that just was like wow i'm gonna take that back but take I'm

SPEAKER_00: 1:07:10

so grateful for the invitation. I love you so much. I'm grateful for our relationship and yes, yes, yes. For the fits and project.

SPEAKER_01: 1:07:19

Thank you. I love you. Oh, and I started saying, I love you mean it because I got that from you. And I'm like, of course I would say that.

SPEAKER_00: 1:07:27

Borrow it, borrow it. Love you mean it. Bye.

UNKNOWN: 1:07:34

Bye.