Laughs without Lager

But will I lose friends?

• Ali and Meg

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The question arrived in our inbox from a listener with a familiar fear: "Will I lose my friends if I stop drinking?" It's a concern that keeps countless people trapped in cycles of alcohol use despite wanting to quit. After all, drinking culture permeates nearly every social gathering—from parent meetups to barbecues, Friday celebrations to weekend festivities.

Drawing from our combined eight years of sobriety, we explore how friendship landscapes truly transform when alcohol exits the picture. The surprising truth? While some connections naturally fade, these aren't "losses" but revelations about which relationships were authentic versus which were merely drinking partnerships. As we share our experiences, we unpack how many drinking friendships were based on mutual enabling, negativity, and what we call "pity parties"—gatherings where everyone validated each other's misery while avoiding addressing the real issues.

What becomes crystal clear through our conversation is the profound irony of alcohol: we drink seeking connection and belonging, yet it prevents the very depth we're searching for. Without alcohol, we form deeper bonds more quickly, have conversations we actually remember, and discover parts of ourselves that were always there but obscured by drinking. The embarrassing late-night drunk calls, blackouts, and memory gaps give way to authentic conversations and genuine presence.

Perhaps most encouraging for those considering sobriety is how our social worlds expanded rather than contracted. We reconnected with people we'd previously dismissed because they "didn't drink enough," found new communities through shared interests rather than shared bottles, and discovered that true friendships adapt—switching from evening drinking sessions to morning walks, meaningful dinners, or creative pursuits.

Whether you're sober-curious or supporting someone who's making changes, this episode offers hope that a richer social life awaits on the other side of alcohol. What connections might you discover when you're fully present? What authentic relationships are waiting to deepen when you're no longer numbed by drinking? We'd love to hear your experiences—reach out to us on Instagram at Laughs Without Lager or through our website.

Contact Us:

https://www.meganwebb.com.au/podcast-1


Ali

insta: https://www.instagram.com/idontdrinkfullstop/


Meg

website: https://www.meganwebb.com.au/

insta: https://www.instagram.com/meganwebbcoaching/

bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub

Connect AF: https://www.elizaparkinson.com/groupcoaching

Speaker 1:

Hey, megsie hey.

Speaker 2:

Ali, how are you? I'm good, excellent. We have had contact by someone that listens, asking a question Wow, that's awesome. So they asked about how did we manage? Well, their fear is that they'll lose friends if they stop drinking, so they were asking what our experiences were.

Speaker 1:

Oh, megali, no mate, no way they stopped drinking. So they were asking what our experiences were. Oh, mcgally, no mates, no way, no way. Jose the um, look, yes, that is an absolute valid question and point. But it's certainly and I guess that is a reason why I continue to drink as long as we did, because my partner was a massive drinker. So we bonded that way. Then you have a kid, and then you get the school, parents and mums. There's the next, like mummy, wine, culture, barbecues, culture, barbecues. So, yeah, for me, definitely my sort of big acts of why I have, you know, a lot of those friends in my life anymore is the marriage breakdown. That kind of was a pretty big catalyst to halving my friends group. So, yeah, look, I've kept obviously friends that I. So, yeah, look, I've kept obviously friends that had my back, but definitely a lot of them fallen away because you know, hello, we're not going to invite a non-drinker to our pity parties on a Friday afternoon.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, and so drinking is just such a big part of every blooming gathering we ever go to, and so it's pretty. It's very common that that's a fear that people can lose friends, and I also had a split. I was pretty lucky that I didn't lose friends over that territorial thing, you know, sticking by each one. Most friends were mine, so that was great, um, I did. However, so when I stopped drinking, there was definitely a shift in some friendships, but I really really think the main friendships I lost and there was only one or two, maybe three were based on the alcohol, but it it showed up after the drinking stop that there were, we just weren't compatible.

Speaker 2:

Um, there were games, there was all sorts of stuff that was I wasn't up for, and also, interestingly, you know, I don't know if you've heard of the let them theory, the book by mel robbins, and she didn't come up with it. It's, it's been around, um, but she talks about. What she does talk about is a natural shift in friendships through your life, and one of the big ones is around 40s to 50s, when 45, 55 type thing, when your kids grow up and you don't have the mummy group. So naturally, that all came to an end for me and the other thing that also broke up, a few friendship-y situations was COVID. So it all coincided.

Speaker 2:

All these things coincided when I stopped drinking. But what I did do with people that I wanted to stay friends with was change a few things. Do you want to have brunch? Do you want to go for a walk? And if they still have things at night at the beginning I protected myself, I didn't go. Now I pick and choose and I enjoy going to things. I don't care if people are drinking. I usually just leave early, like that's how I've managed that. But I do think if you've got friends that are true friends, you won't lose them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, well said, Totally agree. Yeah, COVID, I guess I was still. Well, you were still drinking at COVID, weren't you? Yeah, I mean, that was joy, oh joy, COVID, oh yeah, I'll sit at home and you know, drink, piss and smoke bongs.

Speaker 2:

And yeah, COVID was awesome, the most enabling moment in the history of the world.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, lockdown, beautiful and no shit besides the toilet paper. The biggest queue was at BWS. Honestly, because I was in the queue going, mate, I hope no one nicks those bloody vodkas Well it was the only shop that was allowed to be open.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, exactly, isn't that bloody ironic and bullshit? But yeah, definitely, you know we'd get our supplies for COVID and then you'd have those Zoom parties and things like that, which you know I never did actually. But it's the same thing, like when I sort of decided to ditch the booze. I thought, well, my eyes, sort of, instead of having tunnel vision on those core group of friends that we literally just, you know, drank, it was, you know, just zoomed out a bit more and thought, oh, actually one of my friends is which I've mentioned in our first podcast, you know, charmaine, she didn't drink and, you know, liked to walk and she didn't drink and, you know, liked to walk.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so, and then other friends that actually were, you know, they could have one or two glasses of wine, they would invite me to go for a walk or come over for dinner and then, lo and behold, it's, you know, got back into boogie boarding or going back to the beach. Because, you know, as we know, meg, you can drive after five, you can drive after ten, you can drive whenever the hell you like because we're not drunk. So, yeah, definitely it. Just as much as it closed, you know, the doors that needed closing, it opened some wonderful doors of actual authentic friendships, because we're not just repeating ourselves, gossiping and just being negative, because we're actually all really unhappy but nobody had the guts to say it. Oh, your marriage is shit, yeah, so is mine. Oh, do you want another drink? Yeah, cool, we'll just keep numbing.

Speaker 2:

Totally. A lot of mine was pity party, enabling each other to wallow and it, but I actually hadn't thought of it, what you just said. It actually zoomed down and gave me a chance to be get reconnect with people that I'd cut off because they didn't drink enough. Oh yeah, I never thought of it in that way and that is a huge gain. So I gained more than more friends than I lost in averted commas, because I don't feel I lost any friends. I just lost connections that weren't authentic and were based on other things. And you know, we were often miserable together and that's okay, but it doesn't work when without the drinking. Also, it's meant not even reconnect with other people but meet new people. Like I would never have gone on you and I would never have gone on the retreat we did, because it was for non-drinkers if we had been drinkers and we met each other, we met other people. Kim is our friend in common. You live nearer to her, so we've made new connections as well.

Speaker 1:

From 100 yeah, 100, and they're actually things that I connections, that I, um, you know, deep down inside, always really wanted really, I guess, because I couldn't, you know, they say you know you're going to find your tribe and you know I'm kind of, yeah, really happy this stage of my life that, you know, some days, you know, instead of going out and sort of filling in that void of you know, going to the pub to pick up, really, you know, or just to go out and get annihilated, was so lonely.

Speaker 1:

But actually what I was searching for was, you know, just that friendship and camaraderie and to be, I don't know, just to be seen in a different way without that performance, I guess, of people pleasing and being the you know who could drink the most, or it could, I don't know whatever the most, you know, fill in the blank, but yeah, when you strip it back, it's actually, yeah, you know, we went on that trip and you know, as I said earlier, like partying, like so much fun and partying is totally and utterly sober and is possible and it's just so much more authentic and you know, our friendships all around the globe are still intact because there is no gossip.

Speaker 1:

There is no, you know just I don't know, just when you add alcohol to things, you know it becomes quite competitive. Actually, a lot of my friend groups the mums you know it was, yeah, and you know there was people flirting and potentially there was just that jealousy. And you know it was, yeah, and you know there was people flirting and potentially there was just that jealousy and you know it was fraught with danger, drinking and when people are in terrible marriages, that's how this fares. Or just shit happens when you're pissed and out of it and the irony is that we did.

Speaker 2:

Often when you're drinking, you're looking for connection, you're looking for belonging. But the amazing thing is, I mean, how much more did we get to know each other on that retreat? Or how much more do you get to know the non-drinkers that you're meeting now in a short time, deeper than you ever would have got to know someone drinking like that's crazy ironic to think that we drank to achieve this depth that we never could have and now we're seeing that just we're more open. I found that when I drank I'd be closed until the drinking just opened up something that I had no control over. Now I want to share and we connect with people. Honestly, it's the whole 180 and just whole new meaning to connection yeah.

Speaker 1:

So look, if your people are um, you know that the person that wrote in um, yeah, just, it's just got to be that evidence of um. You know, really just who are you going out for who? Who are you drinking with? And really, you know, I held on to these friendships for years and even my mum used to say, oh darling, you know that person, they're treating you like a coat hanger and you're just in denial of you know, no, they really like me and there's always that friend where you'd be the. You know you'd have certain friendships for certain events. You know, yeah, like you'd have the most outrageous person, you'd go with them to that because you know they would break the ice and then later probably break a freaking chair or whatever.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Definitely yeah. For the people that ask and are curious and are scared and all that kind of stuff, I think the proof is in the pudding. There's more connections made on this side of it. It's more authentic. Have a look if you're worried about what your friendships are based on. We didn't have to go around and say, right, you're blacklisted. I mean, I was the same as well when I drank. I was using people to a degree because I just wanted people like me. It enabled me. We certainly felt like we were connecting, but we're actually talking shit, yeah, and we were mean and we just wanted, deep down.

Speaker 2:

I think we did want connection, but we wanted to not feel alone and validation validation external validation mate 101, exactly, so you know, I was able to look around and go who, who do I want in my life, and it was just natural progression.

Speaker 2:

No one ended anything yeah just these things naturally change and and um and so it wasn't that everyone was know the people that I'm not friends with were in the wrong. I was there too. It was just a. Alcohol is a bitch and it doesn't bring out the good in people. It just doesn't. No, it doesn't. Like you said, bad things can happen and we are not those people. Like people often say a lot of my clients are like, but I acted out of ways that weren't in my values. Yeah, because alcohol is the toxic part here. It makes it does make you do stupid things. It's important that we take responsibility, but it's also important to know that alcohol is is what causes it and just as you were saying that, I was thinking about my friends, that I've that.

Speaker 1:

Actually, while I was an active drinker, distanced themselves from me because I was too much or I?

Speaker 1:

you know, I remember a couple of 50s I went to and after those two parties in particular, I didn't hear from them much. And these were girls that I went to school with. You know, they were just thought, you know, so they're 50s, so you know that sort of age group, and there's me acting like, you know, a 40-year-old. Yeah, so I kind of, just as you were saying that, I thought, yeah, actually I had the reverse thing that people were actually stepping away from me because they were not. That wasn't in line with their. You know, ali, that's not you or you've just taken that a bit far. So we're going to, we're going to step away and let you work it out until, you know, four years or however long it took. I'm on the other side and we had a beautiful lunch last year, the four of us, and they're so proud of me, you know, and we, even though we only see each other, proud of me, you know, and we, even though we only see each other, however many, whatever times a year, it's like it's just gold, beautiful, authentic friendships that we can go out for lunch and we just, yeah, talk. So, yeah, that was quite interesting.

Speaker 1:

When you actually sit back and think, hmm, you know who are those people that don't drink, like we did that, actually pulled away as well. And then I remember I'd be like, oh, you know. And that person in your head would be, oh well, fuck them. You know I'm having fun, and you just, again, we just gave alcohol so much freaking credit, you know. And oh no, you know I'm having fun. And then there's that fake thing going out partying. Just you know, yeah, okay, in my mind I thought I was having fun, but realistically, yeah, there gets a time where it's like there's going to be the days where you can't even lift your head off the pillow. No, mate, I was thinking about that going for my walk this morning. Like, just those days of like, like I've just finished seven days straight and last night would have been today, would have been my, you know, go out, get Chinese and watch trash TV all day, because it's my reward.

Speaker 2:

Seven days straight of working and then yes, so my reward.

Speaker 1:

Last night I literally straight through the bottle shop a litre of vodka, come home, whack a cone and drink probably nearly a litre of vodka. That was my amount. And then I would have woken up today and begrudgingly probably gone to walk the dogs and then back to bed and watch shit TV and just you know and probably rang everyone last night. Oh yeah, you know, Were you like that? Were you a drinker, where you just fucking ring people?

Speaker 2:

Yes, because I couldn't. I just started going because I was drinking at home. Holy crap, I need to talk to someone. I rang. That's when I caught up with people. Guess what, I didn't remember half of it and I drunk, texted like a mad idiot and that was shocking. Waking up the next day and scared to look at my phone was horrible, horrible.

Speaker 1:

But did you have the certain people that were just as much? I had one chick. She stopped doing the calling. Now I won't mention her name, but mate and I'd be hours like hours.

Speaker 2:

Ali, I had the same, because you knew that maybe both of you wouldn't remember it, so it didn't matter, and I was careful that even in my state I didn't call people that would just go. What the actual fuck are you doing? Calling me drunk? No, I have my list. I have my list.

Speaker 1:

Yeah oh, yeah, we had. Yeah, we had the list, yeah and it was hours of bullshit oh god, and you sit there and you, oh my, oh, my god, you know, and then sometimes I'd get off that call. I'd be so drunk and so ramped that that's when I'd go out. Oh, and then I'd be, you know, find myself in freeman or going to night, oh my god, I actually didn't go out.

Speaker 2:

Oh, because the last time I drank was COVID.

Speaker 2:

No wonder I didn't go, I just got pissed it was such an enabler that I just ramped up my drinking and drank at home and so I didn't even have to think about going out. But I but even when I went back to work I still drank every night, like it shocking. But I said to someone the other day and maybe it was last Sunday when you and I both posted about how good it is. It never gets old waking up without a hangover and I really thought about it and I don't ever want to feel that again. I cannot. I can tell you because you'll understand, but you know I can't explain how disgusted I felt when I would wake up with six packets of chips I'd eaten through kids' size because I'd brought them for my kids bought and I'd eaten them all. My daughter had heard me at night so I'd wake up to text going that's how bad I got and it was like the munchies, but with alcohol. And then I'd wake up going this is disgusting and it's not you what did that?

Speaker 1:

what's that saying? Your mouth tasted like a? Um the bottom of a budgie's cage oh my god, that's a great.

Speaker 2:

I've never heard that. I love it.

Speaker 1:

That's exactly well, I, I've never heard that. I love it. That's exactly. I can't remember what it's called.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, your mouth yeah, your mouth is yeah, anyway rough yeah. It was disgusting and I was disgusted in myself, like I was absolutely disgusted. It just I don't know how I got there. I do because I've worked a lot around it, because alcohol is addictive, it's tolerance growth.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, of course, because then you forget, you know you fast forward to the following Friday and it's fucking back on, back through the bar shop, mate, and here we go again. Wake up Sunday morning with chip packets Like this is the loop that we're so grateful I am that you know that's the rules around alcohol that I don't have to live by anymore.

Speaker 1:

Oh, me too me too we're going to do one of our episodes with how do you? You know you can do so well for a little bit and then you just hit that button of like the fuck it button.

Speaker 2:

I'm just going to drink, fuck it. We will definitely do an episode on that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because I, yeah because you know, like we kind of forget we're four years down the track and it doesn't get old. Like, as you said, you know, waking up, like today I woke up, I had a little wee sleep in, and not because I was hungover and you know, I went for a walk and do all that, but like it was, that would have been my Thursday night. I used to call it Thirsty Thursday. Fucked Up Friday. What was Saturday? Something Saturday? Start Again Sunday.

Speaker 2:

Sploshed Saturday.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I can't remember what. Sunday night was, but literally my drinking started Thursdays. Thirsty Thursdays was, you know, and that friend I was talking about would guarantee we would be like right, thirsty Thursday we'd come home, feed the dog, do everything, and then the phone call and then you'd be on the phone until sometimes mid-night, just hours and hours of talking shit.

Speaker 2:

We did three-hour, four-hour calls. I couldn't tell you most of it, yeah, Shocker. And that's another thing. We're going to do an episode on blackouts, because I blacked out a lot, yeah, so we've got a few good episodes up our sleeves.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because you know. But certainly the friendship is really important because, you know, we do surround ourselves as heavy drinkers. I surrounded myself, you did, we just. When I married a heavy drinker, I mean, that's, it's just the way we connected was through alcohol. So of course, that's a, you know, a fear that I had of you know who am I going to talk with, who am I going to dribble shit to on a Thursday night? But now, like my friend, she called me from Vienna the other night I was in my jammies and you know it's just lovely had a cup of tea and had an absolute beautiful conversation that still went for over an hour, you know, and we just we didn't circle. I didn't, repeat, I wasn't riddling. Yeah, it's ugly. I used to repeat, I wasn't riddling. Yes, I used to be called the riddler because, you know, the more cones I smoked and the more vodkas I drank.

Speaker 2:

Well, I couldn't remember what I'd said. Like I spent most of the conversation going and I know I do that now menopause brain, but no, it was bad. I'd start and mid-sentence I'd go, not lost it, lost it, lost it. I'd have to take notes. So scribbles to remind myself what I was talking about was shocking.

Speaker 1:

So now, look, you know that's. Look, I've got elderly parents. I'm sure you do too. I mean, I'm just so grateful now that I've got the next you know, say 40 years, that I'm not going to be getting dementia. Every time I'm blacking out or drinking a bottle of vodka it's frightening because, yeah, I mean, if you can't remember what you had for breakfast yesterday and you're sober, then that's a clear indication that at least you're not going to keep stuffing your brain cells up, but you can be aware of things in your body and how you're operating and get the help prevention.

Speaker 2:

Definitely. I know people worry about that, but there are other things in life, like menopause, I mean poor women, we go through a lot, but I also I'm not going to panic about things. I've drunk what I've drunk. I'm helping my body now, but I also do things. I've drunk what I've drunk. I'm helping my body now, but I also do things. I do do brain things, crosswords, games, you know every day, which are known to help with your brain and memory. So you know it's the same as it's exercising a different part of us. I go do Pilates for my body and that's for my brain. Do the best we can. You know we weren't bad for drinking.

Speaker 2:

Alcohol is no, and I think most people are looking for connection and belonging. So another tip for people who might have this fear around losing friends is take the time to really dig into what the reasons you're drinking. Do some work around it, like join a community, get coaching, do whatever. But listen to the books and podcasts, but start to question what's underneath, because I think most drinkers are very sensitive. Yes, we feel very deeply and therefore, you know, have found alcohol is a great. Um, well, it was self-medication, but it's it's. It's deeper. There are things that we're you know numbing out, and so it's worth. There are things that we're you know numbing out, and so it's worth looking at that and starting working on them.

Speaker 1:

Yes, because I thought I was, you know, creative and things like that when I was a drinker, which you know is trying to play the drums or whatnot. But you know, I'm actually really quite a good writer and you know I'm now using my voice for good, not evil. There's just so much to love about taking a booze, that toxic stuff out of our um bodies and um, you know, life's not boring at all, is it, megsy?

Speaker 2:

it's not, and you know what else. On that note of the creativity, in that I meet people who say I need to drink for the creative juice. Drinking does not give us intellect or creativity, so whatever's coming out when you're drinking that you think is creative, guess what? It's already in there. It's already in there and you will find that if you give it some practice, that without the alcohol you're even more creative or intelligent than you thought. Guaranteed it's not the alcohol, I know that much.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's not at all. Well Megs. Well, what a great episode. I appreciate the time we've had together and thanks for the question from Anonymous. Thank you, Anonymous, we love you. We won't dob anyone in unless they want to be dubbed in, but no, I mean it's certainly. It's great to get some positive feedback and you know we want to talk about things that people want to listen to, so you know we can get some advice and a bit of a laugh along the way and keep tuning in.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, and if you do want to drop us a message, instagram's great for that Laughs Without Lager and in the show notes there's also a link where it goes to the Laughs Without Lager podcast on my website and you can drop a message there as well. So reach out to us. If there's anything you want us to discuss or let us know. We'd love to hear from you.

Speaker 1:

All right, megsie, us if there's anything you want to discuss or let us know. We'd love to hear from you. All right, megzi? Well, until next time, love, have a great uh. Rest of the day and um, we'll talk again soon.