Laughs without Lager

Blackout Drinking

• Ali and Meg • Season 1 • Episode 9

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Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking with no memory of how you got home? Those aren't just fuzzy memories—they're scientifically proven to be memories that never formed at all. Welcome to the neurological phenomenon of blackouts.

Megsie and Ali take you on a deeply personal journey through their experiences with alcohol-induced blackouts, exploring both the science and emotional impact of these memory gaps. As Megsie poignantly shares, "I was a photographer who created memories for people, yet I was losing my own." This irony highlights the profound disconnect between what many of us value and how alcohol can undermine those very values.

The conversation doesn't shy away from the dangerous realities of functioning while in a blackout state. From stolen Domino's pizza bikes to waking up with unexplained broken ribs, their candid stories illuminate how blackouts aren't just inconvenient memory lapses—they represent significant safety risks and lost life experiences. While some stories might bring nervous laughter, the underlying message is clear: operating in the world without forming memories is profoundly risky.

What makes this episode particularly impactful is the contrast between past experiences and present clarity. Both hosts describe the freedom that comes with leaving blackouts behind and reclaiming their full presence in special moments. The joy of fully remembering birthdays, celebrations, and everyday interactions emerges as one of sobriety's most precious gifts.

Whether you've experienced blackouts yourself or know someone who has, this episode offers valuable insights into this common but concerning aspect of drinking culture. Listen in for a blend of neuroscience, personal storytelling, and hope for a life where memories aren't lost to alcohol.

Contact Us:

https://www.meganwebb.com.au/podcast-1


Ali

insta: https://www.instagram.com/idontdrinkfullstop/


Meg

website: https://www.meganwebb.com.au/

insta: https://www.instagram.com/meganwebbcoaching/

bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub

Connect AF: https://www.elizaparkinson.com/groupcoaching

Speaker 1:

Hey, megsie, how are we? Hey, good, how are you going? Ellie, I'm very well. Love, how are you? I'm good. I'm looking forward to today's topic actually.

Speaker 2:

Oh, what have we got today? Megsie, Tell everyone.

Speaker 1:

Well, we've got the story of my life, my freaking life. It's Blackouts.

Speaker 2:

Ooh, that nasty little.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, nasty little losses of reality.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I like that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's a life that you'll never get back. You'll never get them back. Blackouts are gone. They're gone. Whatever happened in them are never to be found again. That's a scientific thing, and crikey, that's scary.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's you know. I didn't really kind of get them. I think when I was younger I did. But yeah, tell me about your nasty blackouts.

Speaker 1:

Well, first of all, usually when someone does have blackouts, they're more likely to have them. First of all, usually when someone does have blackouts, they're more likely to have them. So that's why, like for me, they were just commonplace. But the reason for blackouts are usually fast drinking. Oh gulping, sorry, were you a gulper? I was a gulper, and you know what I do everything fast, so I really bloody do. And drinking alcohol was no different. I could drink really fast.

Speaker 1:

So it's when your blood alcohol concentration rises quickly, usually caused by fast drinking, and, like we said before that the memories that well, whatever you do in that time of blackout, is not formed in your brain. So I ended up experiencing blackouts. Well, because I was a binge drinker, most times when I drank and I don't mean the whole night it was different, it varied and I guess sometimes I probably did drink slow because I had to. You know if you're somewhere with other people or whatever it was. So it varied, but total blackouts is what I had. So there's something called partial blackouts, when bits and pieces of memory are missing. Now, now I did actually have them a lot, but the total blackouts I had more to the end of my drinking career, because I was drinking so much more at home and so fast.

Speaker 1:

But basically alcohol disrupts the hippocampus. This is a science lesson, the part of the brain responsible for forming new memories. Now, the interesting thing about a blackout is the person may seem fine. So I was walking, talking, I was doing I mean, I was not driving, not bloody driving, but I was a messy drunk so I could have been flopping all over the place. But the fact is you appear, you don't know when someone's having a blackout, you don't know when you are, yeah, the next day it's gone and you'll pretty much never get it back. So, yeah, right on. And yeah, because I was a binge drinker, a lot of binge drinkers get it, um, or have them, uh, because it's a lot of drinking in a kind of a short amount of time, faster. So, because all my drinks were binge drinks, I had either partial blackouts or full-on ones, which when I say full-on, probably say I was drinking at home from 10 till I went to sleep, blackout type thing.

Speaker 2:

Right, and does that look like you were one minute? You're watching TV or you're talking on the phone, or you're I don't know, and then you just wake up in the morning.

Speaker 1:

Well, yeah, it's an interesting thing because, yes, sometimes I'd wake up and go. Oh, last thing, I remember I was on the lounge watching TV. Sometimes I'd go to bed and then wake up and and I'd be able to piece that. Oh, yeah, I remember going to bed, but I don't really remember how I got home or whatever it was.

Speaker 1:

You know, I mean it's so common four hours on the phone oh, like on the phone, because I I used to have drunk conversations. Um, huge chunks of it would be gone and in the end, actually, I got a bit cluey. I would and it wasn't just with phone calls, it was with my ex at the time too, because we'd get in fights I'd write things down and so the next day I had a memory, because I think certain people can manipulate you as well when you're in a blackout, and I just wanted to write things down and put it this way. Sometimes I'd wake up and it was like I didn't imagine that. Or you know, there's proof that something happened, because I wrote it when I was able to but I didn't remember it the next day. Or if I hid the kids' technology, I might write down where I hid it.

Speaker 2:

Ah yeah, I've still got shit that I can't find it's frustrating, but I don't know if that was just a blackout or just maybe. I guess for me, maybe being stoned, I would go oh, this is a good place to hide something and bugger me. I'm still looking, and then sometimes I would get stoned to find out where did get in that brain and go. Where the fuck would Stone Alley put that? I can't even tell you what it is because I can't remember. I know.

Speaker 1:

I know it could be, I don't know, because I still end up losing things now and they're not blackout. So it's a bit of both. But yeah, I think the main ones for me were just waking up and going. I don't remember half the night and that was really disappointing as well, because memories of what my life was about, you know, I loved like I was a photographer, I created memories for people. That's what was important to me, yet I was losing mine.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

Which is pretty sad, and another reason I just thought this is not the way I want to live.

Speaker 2:

Did you ever record yourself drunk in a blackout?

Speaker 1:

No, no, because I mean well, actually I lie, Having a chat with yourself and me.

Speaker 2:

myself and I, we're great conversationalists.

Speaker 1:

I'll tell you what. There is footage of me in a blackout and I didn't take it, but I might have mentioned this already, but it was when I stole the Domino's pizza bike.

Speaker 2:

No, no, no, Come on, we're in a blackout. Now Go for it. Megsie, the secret is out this. Come on, we're in a blackout, now Go for it, megsie, the secret is out.

Speaker 1:

This is an insight into what happened in my blackouts. We were in Manly and of course I'm the one. All someone had to say was there's a bike, and I went great, I'll go get it. And I jumped on it and the people in Domino's ran out and I fell off it anyway, so I wasn't going to get far and my friend videoed it and so there was proof, because the next day someone said what about the Domino's bike? And I said what do you mean? Oh yeah, I did not remember that. Scary, I know Shit.

Speaker 2:

Scary, because if I hadn't fallen off, yes, yeah, you could have cycled into a car or into getting picked up by the cops because they would have, you know, said drunken lady on a bloody push. But I think you can get fined for being intoxicated on a push bike, yeah, and it had a big dominoes thing on the back. So I was easy to spot. It got done for stealing mate mate.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, luckily I was literally two meters from the shop and there was no road there, but it was. There was video of it. I mean, oh awful.

Speaker 2:

And you, how did you feel when you watched the video back, or you didn't. Oh, I cringe.

Speaker 1:

I never wanted to watch anything back like there was because, yeah, yes, okay, early days, thank god we didn't have video. But even the photos, like I find cringy and I still do because it's just not what I wanted to be. Like you talked about last time about how we look for love as people, that we drink with In all the wrong places. Yeah, and it's like I was doing everything that wasn't what I wanted.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I cringe. I still cringe. I mean I've totally come to terms with it and I have compassion for myself because I was just wanting acceptance and love as well, but I still cringe and I don't know where that video went. I'm happy to never see it again, but ridiculously enough, the lost memory is now etched in my brain from that.

Speaker 2:

Oh my. God yeah Well thankfully I've just got lost memory from you. Know menopause really.

Speaker 1:

Oh well, that doesn't help on top of blackouts. Yeah, I know Menopause. Yep, I've got brain fog and I just just who knows. Who knows if I've made it worse by that, but I'm not going to worry about that no but menopause. Brain fog is real.

Speaker 2:

Yeah and look, so I think he's blacking out. You know, I can remember a few times, just as I said, I think I didn't do it in my later years. I couldn't black out because my ex-husband used to black out, so I was already so anxious about worrying about him that I couldn't afford to, but I still continued. So I guess my drinking even though I still drink a shitload I seem to just kind of manage it.

Speaker 1:

and then I remember then the times that I wasn't with him, like I was out with the girls, my no rules, it was, yeah, obliteration, because that was that relief that I didn't have to worry about him yeah, yeah and if yeah, and so I probably would black out and injure myself more because I didn't have to worry about somebody else yeah, I totally get that and I the funny thing is, or the ironic thing, or whatever it is I always had to make sure my kids were safe before I drank and and this was every single time I drank, which ended up being every day at the end, but I always had to make sure they were safe so then I could let go.

Speaker 1:

Yes, totally yeah, and it was, even if it was like when I was at home drinking, knowing they'd all got home and then that kind of thing, or if it was I was going out, knowing where they were, who they were staying with, and I kind of am grateful Well, it's not even grateful. I don't know how I would have done it with them being older, because they are out and I have to be clear-headed for that, but I don't know how I would have done it, because they would have been out and I wouldn't. Yeah, so who knows? I'm just glad you know that I'm not drinking now, when they're all in different places and need lifts here and there. Or you know that I'm not drinking now, when they're all in different places and need lifts here and there, or you know, yeah it was good.

Speaker 2:

We used to just get absolutely smashed when she would well, I've only got one kid, but still when the grandparents oh yep yep, mate, fuck, that was just like a license to's like literally spend the whole weekend getting drunk, like waking up.

Speaker 2:

then you know you feel like shit and we just back it up and ring the same friends that we got drunk the night before and go right, let's get back on it. Yeah, um, and then I remember one time, yeah, the, the, they'd drop her off. I mean we were fucking munted and you know they're kind of dropping our child off. I mean she wasn't a baby but still. And then by 6, 7 o'clock Sunday night we'd be all right, you're off to bed now, because we were just like, you know, holding it together just to pass out. And then you'd wake up in the morning and be like, oh my god but, you know what short memories.

Speaker 1:

Wait till next time oh, totally, and you do. You know how many clients and that and people I meet, that they and it happened to me for a while if their partner goes out of town or if the kids are at the grandparents, that is a sign to drink and it actually was a trigger for me. After I stopped drinking, I still had to go. Yes, I've got the house to myself for the weekend. I'm not going to drink because it'll still be the first. Yes, thought that came up. It's like 100%. Yes, so many people can relate to that and and the good news is, as you will also have an experience with, is that does not occur to me anymore and it's different things now that, like I've got the house to myself, oh my God, I can eat what I want and I can watch what I want and I can go to bed early.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't have to cook, I can cook naked, this naked chef. My daughter will be like, oh my God, mum, put your clothes on. But we used to live in like it was freaking hot and she'd be like, turn the aircon off, for Christ's sakes. I'm like, what do you mean? Like you know. But yes, definitely that is true. I've sort of yeah, when you know us being single parents, well, after our separations, yeah, getting sober and then having that, you know the kid goes somewhere and you're like, oh yeah, actually forgot about that. That was a major trigger because you're the house yourself. So that used to be fucking vodka and pot and party Totally.

Speaker 1:

It was a green light, green light, to go ballistic and end up in a blackout well you know what end up in a blackout and and this is my worst one when the last night I was planning on drinking before I did the this naked mind 30 day thing in 2021, the last night of me drinking, no one was home and I literally I've split up with my ex. My kids were at the grandma's and I went and got vodka and in my blackout I had a shower, fell over and broke my rib. Now I don't remember that, except when I woke up the next day I had a broken rib and then I had a vague memory of getting in the shower.

Speaker 1:

So Jesus yeah, I know. So that was really bad because I was home alone. What if I'd fallen and cracked my head open like that was a real? That was a massive, massive wake-up call to me, to this has to be it.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I'm so lucky. When we had a property, a farm, I remember our, my dragon mates came up to the farm and Maya was one and a half and I just felt, which didn't stop me drinking, but she was picking up the cans. So we were all sitting around again, you know, getting back on it and she must have woken up from her sleep, but yeah, she was walking around, little did I know, picking up Jim Beam cans, mate, and sculling them like drinking the dregs, and some of them had nicotine butts, sorry, cigarette butts in them.

Speaker 2:

Oh fuck, like that still was not a reason to think oh, but you know it was funny, but I'm just so lucky. Nothing like really. Oh, but you know it was funny, like ooh, ooh, ooh, but I'm just so lucky. Nothing like really. Really, really bad happened when we were all fucking drunk.

Speaker 1:

Totally In the middle of nowhere. We've been looked after mate.

Speaker 2:

I tell you I have a little angel on my. They're looking after all of us because, yeah, there was lots of incidences on a farm, where there's machinery and alcohol and a young baby that could have gone majorly wrong.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's very. It's lucky. In my early years, when I was a teenager and you touched on this, like last week, I could have been killed, murdered, like I cannot even comprehend. And I was not the only one. I want to stress that as a young 18 to early 20s we were all massive risk takers. I won't say it was safer Statistics change and you never know but we felt safe and that's partly due to being young. But the behaviours I hitchhiked home in the middle of Sydney. No one would do that now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But I got home every single time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And that's crazy, we did runners from the cabs. I mean, that is horrible for one, taking, not paying, but we were maniacs.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And they weren't even the riskiest things. But yeah, it's, oh, god knows, I don't know luck. Yeah, angel, but the other thing, with not only blackouts but with um, alcohol, you know these are domestic violence is so much and assault, injury, like I was just saying, injury. They're also tired with alcohol, but also with blackouts you can't even, you don't even yeah, well, evidence.

Speaker 2:

There's a guy that was on um the. I felt so sorry for the people in america with. Well, just in general, now trump's in, but sorry about that. But the um, this guy, I want to forget his story. I don't know, he was on a show but he got drunk for the first time. Yeah, well, I'm sure he drank a few times, but one of these times but he ended up in jail because he went, someone dropped him off a taxi, I can't remember who one of his mates, at the wrong house and his house.

Speaker 2:

He went into his neighbour's house, right, thinking in his blackout that he was in his own home. So then he goes up, walks upstairs, walks into where he thinks is his bedroom and it was the people's, a couple's room and basically in his and he's like get out of my house and starts to threaten them and trying to kick them out and they have a big. So it was like a home invasion. Of course they've all got guns. The gun goes off. He didn't kill anyone, but basically his defence was so. Then they call the cops, like it's a home invasion, da-da-da-da-da goes in, wakes up in jail like sobers up and goes what the fuck's going on and they went oh, did this, this and this? And he got, like you know, 25 years.

Speaker 2:

Oh right, he's he was 19 and he's still in jail and they won't give him parole and I just think he's an adult now and you just think what the that's? That's an extreme version of blackout when you're young. But I mean my blackouts. Like you were saying, you're hitchhiking, you. I mean you know you go home with strangers, you put yourself at risk. But majority of my yeah, the younger years of drinking, I was in a blackout, pretty much because you're sculling. I mean your body can't process that in your little body, but that stuff can happen, that you know.

Speaker 1:

Shit can go wrong in a breakout, and that's just, even just with alcohol, the things that can go wrong, and it's not people acting from their true self.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's like blame the booze not the bloke.

Speaker 1:

No, that's really sad or bastard, it doesn't mean at all. He was a bad person.

Speaker 2:

He woke up and he's. You know, I mean, when you're saying a domestic violence, it's not a defence, but you know, shit goes wrong. When people are in blackouts, unfortunately, they wake up with blood all over them or whatever. I mean, yeah, we're going down a dark rabbit hole there over them, or?

Speaker 2:

whatever I mean yeah, we're going down a dark rabbit hole there. But you know, I've woken up, like you, with a cracked rib from didn't remember getting thrown. It was Melbourne Cup, man. Melbourne Cup days have got a real bad record for me. They were my blackout days because there was, you know, everybody. We all start off lovely with our little fascinator on. So just the dressing up to get shit-faced and starting to drink early. Oh yeah, totally, because over in Perth we get to start drinking at midday, mate, because we're behind the yes, the race is early.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so we had it all planned. Kid pick up like fucking bullshit. But I remember a few Melbourne Cups where I did get kicked. I got on stage because this is, you know, melbourne Cup last. It's one race. If anyone doesn't know, the world stops, australia stops for that one race.

Speaker 2:

But it's an all-day thing, right? You have the Melbourne Cup lunch, so this would have been late. Late in the night. There's me on stage trying to pissy dance and the bouncers obviously said Ali love, get off your shit. And I'm like no mate, I can dance. And da-da-da, and he fucking threw me down the stairs a bastard. But, I don't remember I caught a taxi home or whatever and woke up and I couldn't breathe and I'm like what the hell just? Happened last night. Yeah, that's blacking out all the time.

Speaker 1:

It's dangerous because there are some bounces. I've had, you know, experiences when two people I know got really badly injured by bounces because the people I knew were drunk. It doesn't make them bad people, but people will rip into you and just treat you like a piece of shit and like you're getting thrown downstairs.

Speaker 2:

It's disgusting, but this is the risks associated with alcohol With bloody booze and it's legal, and you know you have to explain. Why don't you drink? Well, because you don't want to name me when I drink potentially and well, why do you drink? Basically, I've seen the light, I've got out of autopilot, mate, and realised that that wasn't serving me, so walk on.

Speaker 1:

Yep, definitely and ultimately. Tolerance grows and you drink, you'll get worse. So we you know I had to stop or it was going to get worse. So that was my two choices yeah, and by stopping I don't have blackouts, I just have menopause. But that's the life I wanted to live memories, creating memories with loved ones and things like that. You know that. So, finally, I am living that life, minus the hangovers, minus the blackouts, minus a poison and bloody hell.

Speaker 2:

How good is it minus the apologies, minus the, the kebabs in the bed, minus the injuries and I don't miss blacking out for Melbourne Cup or any other our birthdays. How many times do you, how many birthdays have you remembered in your life, meg?

Speaker 1:

Oh, I know, and you know the worst part of it was you'd build up to it and be so damn excited and then all of a sudden it's the next day and I'd be like shit. I might as well have not gone. I missed so much of it because I was drunk like far out. What a way. And that was many occasions that I look forward to. I'd get so smashed and a lot of that was out of nerves, insecurity. You know you'd get drunk and then you'd you'd miss this whole know you'd get drunk and then you'd miss this whole thing because you were so drunk.

Speaker 2:

Did you ever get married? Yeah, did you black out on your wedding day?

Speaker 1:

I didn't black out, thank God, but I did drink. I was on an incredibly low-carb diet as well, so amazingly, I didn't black out because I hardly ate. I was skinny as you can and um, but I did drink. I did drink um, but my daughter, because she was five, my only child at the time my mother-in-law took her home. So then it was like whoa and um and someone said to me oh, we're going out after, but you guys all want to go home. I said we've lived together for years, no way we're coming to party. And that was my wedding night. And then we went the next morning to WA for a honeymoon and I was so damn hungover that the flight the whole first day it was just recovery mode until we could get another drink. Well, we probably drank on the way over.

Speaker 1:

But oh what about you?

Speaker 2:

Well, we probably drank on the way over. But what about you? Did you? Mine was I was too anxious to drink because I knew old mate would be fucking neck at it. So I obviously had my champagne starts. But I actually had some amphetamines that day, which to try and help me stay stay. You know the course.

Speaker 2:

But it just ended up I I kind of drank myself sober it's one of those things because I was so fucking anxious and so worried about him and my guests and everyone else but me yeah that I, we got a taxi back to our hotel room. He passed out snoring and I sat in bed and ate my dinner that my friend packed for me in my yeah, and I just thought yuck.

Speaker 1:

Look, mine was a fizzle at the end. In fact I probably did black out at the very end, but that was.

Speaker 2:

I remember it all too well, unfortunately. But then the next day, I think, we probably woke up, and then, you know, then we got on, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And I was as behaved as I could be for my wedding, Because it was a day wedding. As soon as they all went, it was like par-tay. Anyway, we're going to wrap this one up, aren't we? Because we could just keep talking.

Speaker 2:

We could and we want to. Not, yeah, we want to get in everyone's exercise routine. So 30 minutes a day, you can have me and Megsie in your ear.

Speaker 1:

In your ear. How much better do you feel exercising with us there?

Speaker 2:

Bloody hell, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

All right. Well, we'll see you all next time.