Ali and Meg talk Relationships

If you’ve ever been in a "situationship” while secretly hoping it turns into commitment, you’re going to feel seen. We’re talking about scarcity mindset in love, the kind that keeps you in an on-again, off-again situationship because it feels safer than starting over, especially when sobriety has changed how you date, flirt, and connect. From Sydney weekend reflections to the moment the truth finally lands, we walk through what it looks like to choose yourself when chemistry has been doing all the talking.

We unpack the addiction-like pull of toxic relationships: trauma bonds, intermittent reinforcement, love bombing, and the dopamine hit of attention that disappears the second you respond. We also connect the dots to narcissistic abuse patterns, including the covert kind that can look “nice” on the surface while quietly eroding your self-esteem. Along the way, we get honest about secret keeping, emotional unavailability, and why “part-time lover” arrangements often keep your heart stuck on standby.

Then we go deeper into healing: core wounds like “I’m not lovable” and “I’m not enough,” how childhood beliefs shape adult relationship patterns, and what it takes to break the loop for good. We share practical tools like getting radically honest about the reality (not the potential), writing down the bad alongside the so-called good, and using boundaries and the gray rock method to stop the cycle from restarting.

If this conversation sparks something in you, share it with a friend who needs it, then subscribe, leave a review, and tell us what boundary you’re practicing next.

Contact Us: 

https://www.meganwebb.com.au/podcast-1

meganwebbcoaching@gmail.com

Ali

insta:  https://www.instagram.com/idontdrinkfullstop/

Meg

website:  https://www.meganwebb.com.au/

insta: https://www.instagram.com/meganwebbcoaching/

Connect AF: https://www.elizaparkinson.com/groupcoaching

Transcript

Weekend Catch-Up And The Big Secret

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Maggie! Yo, Allie, how are you going? Um good. How are you? I'm good. I'm good here down in Sydney. It's um yeah, it's the weekend, so I'm good. What's been happening?

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Well, um quite a lot. I've had you know a couple of visitors in my new home, which is so exciting and wonderful, and oh I just love, love, love. Yes. Um digs, and but I just wanted to do a recording about what scarcity mindset in love actually looks like because I have been Meg Z in a bit of a pickle for the last five years.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

I've been in a situation ship. Ah, situationship.

Scarcity Mindset And The Situationship Loop

SPEAKER_01 1:34

I know it's it well, it's not hard, but it is hard. So that's uh I do follow this um chick, a shout out to Sabrina Zohar. Um it's a bit like when I was getting curious about becoming sober, um, you know, things come in your path where you know, hey, I've heard Danny Carr on the radio, for example, and then you know, Annie Carr read her book. So Annie, sorry, Grace, bloody hell, Annie Carr, Alan Carr, same shit. Oh, yeah, all of them. You yeah, you know, all of that. So that sort of gives the cogs turning, and then so back on the so I was on this train of um on again, off again with this dude. Now I met him when I was drinking because he picks me up in a nightclub. That's where the romance started. Very 80s, very 90s. Yeah, well, that's actually the last nightclub I went to, I think. Um, so yeah, we met and you know, it was all kind of like oh, and then he put the brakes on, and then I sort of went back again. And honestly, Meg, it has been on and off more off than on. I'm the runner, he's the chaser. And I've kept it a secret this last time for since October from my mum and my daughter, because my daughter, when I did confess, she said yeah, I wanna, I just she just hates him because of the shit that I've put up with. So that's where the scarcity mindset in love, I guess, you know, even though I'm so I became sober when I was with him. He's a pissed um binger, and yet I still, you know, so again for me how I kept it going was because I thought, well, I don't have to then go out and because well basically I met guys, which was like you, we met them out drinking, partying, pubbing, you know. Hey, how you going, mate? Oh yeah, I'm all right, love. Buy me a drink, yeah, sure. And fucking net minute, you know, do you want to come back and have sex? Yeah, sure. Beer goggles, all of that. So that's how we met guys.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

Yeah, that was that was a big that was the 90s.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Um look, I still will say it was better than apps, but that's just me.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yes, yeah. So that's the other thing because I've tried the apps. Look, I've I've been on a few dates while I was still in this, you know, off again with him. I thought, oh buggy, I'd go on an app and then I'll go out. Um, but you always had that person in the back of your head because our chemistry, this is why I also went back, was our chemistry was uh amazing. So when you're sober, having sober sex is incredible because I really didn't do that much. I was always pretty much hung over with having sex with my ex-husband. Um, but never you know, very rarely would be completely sober. And obviously with this dude, I was completely sober, and wow, it's pretty fucking awesome, I must say. And yeah, so it just uh then it was sort of morphed into like this is this is all I'm really worth, even though I knew my intuition was screaming, which is why I run, and then he would chase and get into my DMs, and then it was like, oh, the L word came out, and then it's like then the potential is what I then fell in love with, was the potential.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

Yeah, and I think that's that's not uncommon. I think we have an idea of what we want a relationship to look like, and like with my husband, I I specifically, because I have a lot of similarities, but I specifically remember for him that I I remember thinking, oh, I'll change him. I can help him. And then by the time I got to my very, very toxic, covert, narcissistic relationship after him, um, it wasn't about changing, it was about um I was so, so low in self-esteem and so hard on myself and so out of self-love that I took whatever as soon as he gave me the tiniest flicker of attention, I was I was lost, I was gone. I was like, what? Someone's giving me attention. Um and it went down the spiral. But when you said you would run and he would chase, if I didn't, if I did did the running, he would chase. But if I responded, he would put the brakes on. It was a very, very typical narcissistic relationship where I was trauma bonded early on. But like with alcohol, the whole time I knew logically this was bad shit. I knew it, but I couldn't get out of it. So I um yeah, you get stuck in it, and it's a it's a it's an addiction because we do get a dopamine hit and then it goes and we want that back. And and part of the dopamine hit might be the happy ever after, and we chase it.

Trauma Bonds And Dopamine Relationships

SPEAKER_01 6:44

It's a bit sensual, yeah. And so it's just uh, oh well, let's just do a monthly catch-up, you know. It was all revolved around him, and I'm moderation. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the moderation on the love. It's like, yeah, great. You know, he would you know, ring me when he was in a blackout, or ring me when he was hungover, and I sort of went, Oh yeah, you're horny, because like it will he was literally my fucking mirror as well. Like, I'm like, bro, I was you, like that's also why I could recognise it. And I was, you know, for him, so obviously I kept my sobriety, thank God, he didn't jeopardize that at all. Um, but you know, and then that was the oh, you're so inspirational, and yeah, I don't know, like yeah, so basically the um yeah, the the the validation as well, you know, like I thought, oh, you know, he's keeps coming back to me, so I'm obviously a soft soft player. You know, we did have lots of fun and all of this stuff, but what put the nail in the coffin this time for me, which was this uh uh New Year's Eve, so 2026, he rang me up, he'd been away, and we had seen each other before Christmas, and it and that's where it sort of changed for me. Like I he got under my skin because it was such an awesome night that we had together. It was, you know, and so anyway, he rang me up and he was all like, Oh, I want to make you mine, I want you to meet my kids, I want to do I want to put you first, basically, after five effing years, and I just literally half asleep said, Bro, this is what we have is not reality. It's a good time because I'm also unavailable, right? You know, I was thinking, oh yeah, friends with benefits, but that's still holding me back into not wanting a you know, that was not really it suited me as well, but that's also a lie to myself, because really I do want a relationship, I don't want a part-time lover. But at the time, all for these years, I'm thinking, yeah, that's actually that suits me fine because that keeps me at a distance, and you know, it's it's a fuck here and there, and then you know, if I meet someone, like if I knock on a farmer's door and it's like ooh, I'd be like, him, him, who? Anyway, it doesn't work like that because we're still energetically tied. So anyway, he did all that and said all that, and then so basically with the it was back to me, like I decide, and I literally woke up in the morning and I went, No, this is I could not bring myself for me to go, hey daughter, this is such and such, hey mum, this is the dude that I've been telling you about who's a fucking cheater and liar and wasting my timer. I just couldn't do it because I knew I knew this whole time, just like alcohol, this is not serving me. So instead of him fucking up by cheating or doing whatever, I this is why I know this is gonna be uh the real deal, is that I've I actually said to him, I've made a choice, I don't want this, I don't want a part-time lover, and um I want to honour myself and it just felt really w different.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Yeah, good, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

I actually put the brakes on and I said, you know, I actually spoke up to myself and put my needs first and thought no, I'd rather be um happily bubbling along without you taking real estate up in my head. So I just wanted to and then I rang my mum and I told my daughter, and my daughter I joked to her and said that we were gonna I was gonna go with him for like you know, we're gonna give it a full full try. And she was like, Yeah, well, I'm just gonna kick him in the dick when I meet him. And I was like, Oh, don't be like that. She goes, All right, well, I'll just punch him in the face then and then I finally told Mark, and then I said I was joking, and she said, Good, because you deserve more. All of that, all these years, everyone that I've spoken to him about, they've you know, all said you deserve better, but I didn't see it, yeah. And I felt it, but I didn't because I was in the loop.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah, and the thing is you now have to work so you don't keep going back because it's not about like people can tell us, everyone's told me I deserve better, but until you believe it, it's not gonna happen. And so since I've had a relationship, I it's been a quite a while. I've worked a lot. So I'm now a narcissistic abuse recovery coach because of what I went through, and I help people in these situations, but it really is like you know, you mentioned scarcity mindset, it's about it's it's our core wound. So it's I'm not lovable is probably my number one. Um, I I don't, you know, that and that started in my childhood. You've really got to go back and look at where did these beliefs start, where did these patterns start. And so I've done so much work on it. I know I'll never attract someone like that again. Um, and I was saying to you before this that I I had to get really 100% honest, and this won't apply to everyone, but my the guy after my um husband was a covert narcissist, and for anyone that knows about that, covert is the worst. It is absolutely insidious and and and so hidden, it is disgusting. But I so I had to get real and I had to do a lot of work to see to really believe, and I really actually it wasn't that hard to believe this, but there was no love in our relationship. He he said it, you know, I said it. There was none, nothing, there was no love there, and that's that's fine. Then I was asked to look at the good times because often we hear, oh, but they were good times. Yes, and I had to get honest about the fact that actually in my relationship, the good times were very bloody average, and then everything else was below that. So and that's something about narcissistic relationships. The good times weren't good. They these narcissists and toxic people, they learn the right things to do, they learn how to say the right thing, they learn to get you flowers. It's it's it's love bombing, it's learnt so they know the right things to say, and then the women who generally are very emotional, empathetic, sensitive, we go, oh my god, they're so caring. No, they're just doing what they learn, um, and getting us in, and then we're hooked. And regardless of how if you're treated really badly, like mine was a textbook relationship of a covert, or whether it's just someone toxic and has issues, unavailable and yeah. Well, whatever it is, it's um an addiction forms, and we want the highs, we want the highs, and until you look at why, you're gonna keep repeating that. So now's a good time for you to start digging into your beliefs again and look at what is it? And my I say I'm not lovable, there's more to it. I I didn't feel like I was ever enough. And so I picked people that I felt safe with, and you know what safe meant? They weren't gonna dump me. I was just so down on my self-respect and my self-esteem, and you know, there's actually a bloody fantastic show that I want anyone in Australia to watch. It's called Fake, and it was me and my relationship in a nutshell. It's got Ashaketty, but I tell you what, if you're going through this, watch it and you're not gonna feel alone anymore. But it shows how a very normal, I'm gonna say, woman, um, and put myself in that category and you, Allie, um, can get sucked in by these idiots. Because a lot of people from the outside will say, I had a lot of people, because mine was a work person, say, what the actual he's yeah, because with a covert, you're not the typical, they're not the typical good-looking, confident guy. It's it's not overt, you know, it's hidden. And so even I was like, What am I doing? But you know what? He said the right things. He's literally it was about saying the right things. Um, and and what happens is that that was love bombing and that created a trauma bond. But you know, in the end, he would say to me, We're gonna get you drinking again, you know, because he didn't like that I was successful at something. Yeah, so he'd go, You're just gonna be able to have a couple of wines at night. And I'm screaming out in my head, going, This has to be the day I replay. I did it every time I was like, run, I couldn't do it. So now that you've put that into place, it's very helpful to gray rock, cut him off everywhere, and just start to really work on the beliefs of why you were there in the first place. You know, that's the first step for people and look at it honestly and really look at what were the good things and write down all the bad things.

Core Wounds And Childhood Patterns

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Well, that's it, because that's what I said to him. I said, What we have is basically a good time between the sheets, it's not reality, it's convenient and stuff like that. But it it's also like so I've been thinking about who made me feel like that when I was younger. So basically for me, it's I felt I had to earn love in whatever form that looked like, with being the good girl so mum wouldn't get angry, or being um, you know, my dad was very even though the he never raised his voice, but it was what he didn't say. So that feeling that, you know, you had to be a good little girl, or don't say anything, you know, don't your needs were never met because you could never voice them. So of course the good girl turns into putting up with these people that clearly our values I don't drink, and he is a blackout drinker. Like straight away. It's like, what? Yeah, um, you know, so yeah, just that was one of my things that I thought, and I've sort of known because I've as I said, this has been was going on for five years. So whenever I would have that, you know, inevitable breakup, we would have that inevitable, it would always be because he fucked up, and then I would speak to certain friends, and then yeah, that was basically it's what uh who made you feel like that? It's it's not love, it's just you know, validation, but it's what you believe of yourself that you're broken, that you're not good enough, he'll do. I'm 50 odd, he'll you know, he's younger, he's you know, so again, it's romanticising that which is what we did with alcohol. We you know wouldn't hold on to it for dear life, and you know, as we know, uh it just turns into a lonely path of oblivious, you know. Totally. Basically, for me, I'm it's it's a lonely I feel lonely because you know, you kind of expecting that text, or you know, it just takes out fucking real estate, and I'm like, what am I doing when I'm and also I just felt it like I felt like there was a good person, bad person because I'm here tootin', you know, how good sobriety is and and you know, again that's secret keeping which doesn't align with me because in my marriage I used to secret keep how much my ex was drinking from my daughter just in the house to then the parents and the friends that you know he wasn't as big a drinker, like oh my god, all of this shit that we you know lying lying to myself, which is basically what I was doing. Forget everyone else. If you're lying to yourself, then you're in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

You mentioned, you know, back in childhood, this is where our beliefs start. And so you were, you know, you said yours, and mine was I I um I started really early just comparing myself to other people. It sounds weird, but Cindy Brady was my my pretty pretty girl, and but I went out one day when I was about seven with my family, and I had my hair and cute pigtails, and no one said I looked cute. And a little seven-year-old came home going, why? What was wrong with me? And I looked in the mirror and my pigtails were crooked, which could be cute, but I was already like no one noticed me. So I'd already started this thing, this um thing with myself saying, You're not pretty, you're not you're not cute enough. You and then in high school, it was cemented because I didn't get the boyfriend, everyone else did. I must be unlovable, I must be not as pretty as other people, and that went on until I was 18 and could drink, and then just met up with any guy. And and so I never had a full relationship because we I was always drunk, and that cemented, see, I'm not lovable. So therefore I ended up in yeah, I ended up in three, my three relationships were all with men that didn't challenge me, so I felt safe because the big thing was, well, I'm not lovable. So if I have someone that's worthy, they'll probably find someone better than me. That's right, because or prettier than me. Yeah, everything better than me. And so that is a really that dictated everything subconsciously until I got through to where I am, you know, the other side of it when I gave up alcohol and I had the clarity to work on it. And then I could do research on why the frick did I ended up in those situations, and that's where I discovered along with the alcohol work I was doing, core wounds run our life. So it's um it's really insightful, and it took me, and the reason I carried on with this guy for so long is because it took me a lot to get to the point where I could actually be strong enough. Um, and part of that was you know, this is what happens with the narcissist. He could tell that I was getting stronger in my resolve, so he found someone else. That is a classic move, and it meant it was actually the best thing that could have happened.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

That's also what I was waiting for. Him, like you find someone, so then you leave me the hell alone, and I can just continue on trying to meet whoever. And you know, it's like no, no, no, no, no, because he would find these ladies and then he would say to them, Oh, he'll just he's just so inconsistent. Then he would he would be like, Oh, I'm in love with somebody else, and then would crawl back to me. Um, but obviously sometimes I didn't know that he was with other women, but it was just yeah, that core belief of um yeah, that's interesting you said that because I felt that too. Subconsciously, I feel like I'm really ugly. And you know, this this guy's actually, you know, he's not ugly, but he's kind of tubby, and it's like he felt the same that he felt threatened by me because he thinks that I'm, you know, I've got an amazing body and I'm pretty and I'm sexy and all this stuff, which I kind of thought maybe I am.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Yep. Well, that thing when they tell you that, I started thinking, so why do I rely on one idiot telling me that? Why is that better than me believing it myself or me worrying? Like it just didn't make sense, and that's when I started to challenge it all because I'm like, I can't why. Am I relying on one idiot to make me feel good? Why should I validate his thoughts? Like, screw that. I want to feel this myself. And it takes a lot of work. And it's and that's that's right.

Cutting Ties And Rebuilding Self-Trust

SPEAKER_01 22:56

That that's what this ditching the booze and ditching a situationship or ditching gambling or whatever it is. You gotta, you know, life throws you fucking curbs. Like here am I going, oh yeah, sobriety, ha ha, which is you know, I fucking love it. And I'll never, I'm so grateful that I was setting my I'll never drink again. Like that I know to be true, but then I just pick something else up to distract me with, and that's okay, it's all a lesson, but this is why I love the fact that you know we can talk about it because it happens all the time, you know. Like you think you've conquered that demon, and then another one because you're still not there yet. That's another lesson to learn. Oh, I actually need to like go. That's my core belief. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not good enough. He's you yeah, whatever the fucking label is, and now let's I'm gonna myth bust. I've been working with Chat GPT because it's good journaling on, you know, like because I was it was scary to let that potential go or and just to be really like true to myself and go, you know, like as everybody else can tell you this stuff, you know, mum, yeah, why would you go there and you know, my mum and darling?

SPEAKER_00 24:23

But we can we can still do that to other people. We can still go, why you know, it it's such a common thing. But now I believe so. This is where I'm at. We will always be triggered by our core beliefs because even though we can conquer them and work on them, there will be triggers. And to me, that's just a signal that we're still alive and we're still, like you said, okay, I'll look at it again. I've got some work. But I do this is where my head's at now about a future partner. I know he's out there, I know he's gonna come to me at the right time, and I'm not I'm I'm working on myself so that I'm open to the right person, it'll be the right opportunity, and I'm trusting in the process and the universe for that. That might sound a bit woo-woo to some people, but I really feel it in my heart now.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

Whereas before it was like, I've got to find someone or look on the apps and yeah, yeah, they could smell the desperation, and then you know, not I mean, I was pissed, yeah, whatever, but I the universe I just love it, the synchronicities because one of my non-negotiables, because I've bought a house, I didn't want that person in my house. Well, guess what? They were gonna be coming down to my house, and I'm like, oh no, and then the universe, bless her, she put a stop to it, a roadblock that made it difficult. Which I mean, he was fucking lazy at the best of times, so it was no surprise. I already intuitively knew they weren't coming down, but anyway, I was like, that was the aha moment, and it's like, yes, I trust it, and that also is a that mucking around with this situation ship was putting me away further from my cuddle monkey that's on his way.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

Yes, that's right.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

So now, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Work on it while he, you know, until he gets here, and um and it's exciting, and I this yeah, so it it opens up a new possibility, but yeah, I think this has been really interesting, and I it's interesting as well that all us drinkers we're all numbing core beliefs, right? It's all that's the bottom line, and so we've got so much in common, and a lot of the people I meet in these toxic relationships are drinking as well, yes, because it's painful, yeah. Um, and we don't understand it, but it's the same as alcohol in the back of your mind, you know you don't want to be there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

And we're all emotionally immature because I was freaking stunted at, you know, and what you said, I never had a boyfriend, so of course, you know, oh I used to get my credit from drinking men under the table and playing pool, and then by the time we got drunk enough, it'd be like sex and be like, oh yeah, all right.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Yeah, yeah, and I see that with my ex-husband. We were I say immature, and I don't mean that in a just a throwaway comment. I really feel that we just were coming from our low self-esteem and our core wounds, and we just didn't understand how to have a proper relationship. It's no one's fault, it's but what it is is responsibility to work on ourselves, and so I've turned my life around because I take responsibility for my part in that, but also I'm not responsible for the beliefs I've been given, but I can change them now.

SPEAKER_01 27:36

Yes, we have that. We are taking responsibility now, and that's pretty much, and that's why we did this podcast because that's the crux of it, isn't it? It's like, yeah, given we've realized that you know this wasn't serving us, alcohol, and now you know, take a fucking accountability, reclaim our lives and ourselves. And for now, it's like, yeah, I just wanted to share that yeah, I've had that little secret.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Well, I'm excited for you, and um, yeah, start to just go back over what what those core beliefs are coming up and um work through them because I'll tell you this they're not true.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

You're lovable and worthy, and deserve a really healthy, happy relationship, and the hardest part can be saying that to ourselves. But you know, I can certainly work through people to get there, and you have lived experience, so people can, you know, reach out to us.

Worthiness Reminders And Goodbye

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Reach out, so you tell me about your top yeah, all right, Megsy. Well, thank you for um always being a um beautiful guardrail to our um you know waffling for me.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

I love it. I love being here with you, Allie. So thank you for your vulnerability and honesty, and um, it's gonna resonate with people. I know that.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

All right. Well, we'll see you next time. Yeah, see you next time. Bye. See ya.