Episode 2- Roles in dysfunctional family

In this episode, we explore different roles children take on in dysfunctional families and their lasting impact:

Hero: The family hero assumes a great deal of responsibility, often stepping in to manage household tasks and even parental duties, like searching for a missing parent. They’re constantly under pressure to be vigilant and ready to maintain order.

Invisible Child: This child avoids drawing attention to themselves, often seen as shy or timid. They take care of themselves and rarely ask for help, but as adults, they may struggle to express their needs and work collaboratively. However, they often possess a natural talent for listening and appreciating silence.

Mascot: The family clown who uses humor to defuse tension. While this role can bring joy, it often masks deep sadness and insecurity. Mascot kids may struggle with hyperactivity, a lack of focus, and superficial relationships. Despite their outward cheer, they often feel excluded from serious conversations and decisions.

Scapegoat: The opposite of the family hero, this child acts out and becomes the target of frustration in families dealing with alcoholism. Their behavior shifts attention away from underlying issues. As adults, they may face difficulties integrating into society and forming connections, often channeling anger into destructive actions.

These roles aren’t the true essence of who these children are—they're survival mechanisms developed in challenging environments. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward rediscovering oneself and breaking free from the roles imposed by family dynamics.

Tune in next time as we discuss strategies for reprogramming old patterns and uncovering your authentic self. Sending love and encouragement!

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to episode 2 of a podcast You Are a Cure, Adult Children of Alcoholics. In this episode, I will be talking about roles in the dysfunctional families. First off, what is the role of a family? What should good parents provide for their kids? The first thing that pops into my head is safety, and I don't just mean financial or material safety like having food or roof over their heads, or being protected from the dangers of the world, tigers, dangerous people, you name it. The safety parents provide goes way beyond that. A child should feel safe to play, explore, learn. They should feel safe to love and trust. To express their emotions, doubts and fears. They should feel safe to ask questions. Admit when they don't know something. Cry when they need to. Be carefree and happy. And even talk to their parents when they've had a tough day. And here is a big one. Kids should feel safe. to show the talents they are born with. Without that sense of security, those talents often stay hidden from the world. Safety is such a basic yet crucial factor for a child to grow and develop into a healthy adult. It's the foundation of a family's role, providing that sense of security so the little ones can thrive and be their true selves For kids to feel safe, parents need to be mentally, emotionally and financially stable. If one of those are missing, kids naturally pick up on it and will subconsciously try to help their parents regain stability. Why? It's all about survival. Back in prehistoric times, not feeling safe could mean getting eaten by a wild animal. That instinct has stuck with us. If a child senses their parent can't create a safe environment, they will put on adult hat and do what they can to guide their guardian back to stability. This behavior isn't something they consciously decide, of course. It's just how we are wired as humans. How do kids step into help when their parents are out of balance? Well, they often take on extra responsibilities at home like cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and more. Some even take care of their younger siblings, acting as caretakers. In some cases, they will call their parents' workplace to report an absence. carefully avoiding the truth, of course, that their parent might be drunk, hungover or under the influence. These kids end up playing the role of a hero, always stepping in to save the day. They assist their parents when they are in trouble and even take on the role of a therapist, offering emotional support and guidance. I remember this one time when I was around 12. My mom had to go out for some shopping, so she hid all the money in the armchair and gave me a mission to make sure dad couldn't find the money or leave the house. She even locked the front door from the outside, so whoever was inside could not get out. She knew dad wanted to go out drinking and I knew it too. Of course, I said, I will do it. We lived in a small two-bedroom bungalow and dad was sleeping after what had clearly been a rough night for him. When he woke up, just as we suspected, he wanted to head out to get some more of his medicine. I was standing by the armchair, while he searched for the money and somehow he realized I was guarding it. He shoved me aside, grabbed the money, climbed out through a window and left me there, scared, hopeless, angry and humiliated. The person who was supposed to protect me had shoved me away and treated me like I didn't matter. That day, I played the role of the family hero. Just like I did while cleaning the house, peeling potatoes for dinner, ironing and everything else. There were even nights when I had to go out to search for my dad. The hero takes on a lot of pressure and responsibility. They are always expected to be vigilant and ready, constantly on the lookout. In their adult lives, they can go on two ways. Either they take on too much responsibility, become overly controlling of themselves and the people around them. Or they do the complete opposite, letting go of responsibility altogether. They start running away from anything that feels like a have-to or a must. In a way, they might end up mimicking their parents. They struggle to rely on themselves and often leave decisions making to someone close to them. So how does someone become a hero in dysfunctional family? Roles in families like this are often assigned based on certain natural talents or predispositions. For example, a child who takes on the role of a hero might already have a caring nature and willingness to help others. This is so, so important. Remember, those talents were what helped your family survive. But guess what? You still have those talents and now you can use them to build your career. If you are searching for your path, it's worth taking a moment to understand how those talents were tied to the roles you played in your family. Most of the time, it's the oldest sibling who takes on the role of the hero. This usually happens because they see and understand the most, which makes them feel responsible for the family and the problems that come with it. To take on that role, they often sacrifice themselves, their childhood and their own needs. A hero child works hard to achieve success and does their best to avoid causing any trouble. What's really tough for heroes though is letting loose. They struggle to enjoy fun, gatherings, games and find it hard to be spontaneous. Okay, so let's talk about the next role, invisible child. This role often falls to the youngest sibling. Their defense mechanism is all about avoiding contact with the alcoholic parent by staying out of sight and isolating themselves. For a child in a family struggling with alcohol issues, Survival often means escaping into a world of fantasy, music or personal interests. These kids are usually lonely and submissive, steering clear of interactions with both adults and peers. At school, this child in the fog tends to abandon tasks, showing little will or initiative. Teachers often describe them as withdrawn and absent. The invisible child usually takes care of themselves, never causing any trouble and rarely asking for anything. When interacting with adults or peers, they often come across as withdrawn, which makes them shy, seem shy or timid. They do their best, to avoid drawing attention to themselves through their behavior. It's worth noting that as adults, invisible children can face significant challenges in their relationships. They often struggle to express their needs or work collaboratively with others, which can create problems in their professional life. The choice in the fog tends to keep to themselves, avoiding adults and peers and staying quiet. While they might silently resist the family situation, it's not something they actively show. Kids who take on this role in families often struggle with deep feelings of loneliness, fear, helplessness, and a low sense of self-worth. I mostly found myself in the role of the invisible child. I always felt overlooked, convinced that I was shy and awkward when interacting with people. But through reflection, I discovered a beautiful talent I came into this world with, the ability to truly listen. It felt natural for me to take on this role because I was naturally good at listening and I genuinely enjoyed silence and peace. The next role in the dysfunction of families is the role of a mascot. Oh, I have played that role alright. When parents were upset, sad, angry, I put on a clown hat and make them happy or smile. just so they could be my parents again, to be adults and caring for me. But while doing this, I was dying inside. The amount of sadness was unbearable. I felt like crying. But this was more important. They were more important. As this was linking to safety. Of course, I have never felt safe Never mind how I tried and what roles I took on. It was outside of my control. I was not capable of changing my parents. Just imagine your child, if you have one, or any other child and see if they could change your behaviors, thought patterns. Hmm, I don't think so. Going back to the mascot. A child like this often takes on the role of cheering up their family members and is usually called the angel or the sweet child. They deal with tension and stressful situations by cracking jokes and making people laugh, trying to lighten the mood and diffuse bad vibes. In a way, they become the family's antidote to crisis. Mascot kids are often hyperactive. It's the way of coping. They channel that energy into humor and drawing attention to themselves to ease the tension. But here is the tough part. The mascot child can't always handle the stress or anger of an alcoholic parent. When they can't fix the situation, they start feeling unneeded. weighed down by fear and rejection. They begin to believe that if they can't make someone smile anymore, they are no longer valuable. They feel like a discarded mascot. In school, mascot kids often take on the role of the class clown. They are always joking around, chatting with friends, cracking people up. But sometimes this lands them in trouble, earning them notes home for disruptive behavior. They usually struggle to focus, which makes it hard for them to stick to tasks or sit still. On top of that, their hyperactivity and lack of responsibility can make teamwork pretty challenging. These kids are known for losing things and forgetting assignments. because the main goal is to relieve tension wherever they go. Mascot kids are generally well-liked by both adults and classmates because of their upbeat, cheerful personalities. But here is the thing, it's often just a facade. They tend to steer clear of deeper relationships since most of the attention they get is surface-level and fleeting, only their attention. when they are making people laugh. No matter how old they are, masked kids often get treated like they are immature or unable to handle complex stuff. Because of this, they are usually left out of family decisions or serious conversations, and their opinions are just brushed aside. This role usually falls to the youngest kids and the natural talent they come into this world with. Yes, you guessed it. It's a sense of humor. But it doesn't stop there. It also includes intelligence and empathy. Oh yes, to be a comic, you've got to be emotionally intelligent and super empathetic. You need to know who is feeling what. and have a radar for emotions that's always switched on. So well done. These are your incredible talents and they are yours to use. You're absolutely amazing. The last role in this toxic play goes to scapegoat. The scapegoat is usually the complete opposite of the family hero. And this role often falls to the second child. They tend to act out, getting into fights, being argumentative, struggling in school and sometimes turning to substances. Because of this, they end up as the family's punching bag. In families dealing with alcoholism, the scapegoat becomes the go-to target for everyone's frustrations and negative emotions. They often get the most attention, but not in a good way. and bear the aggression of the drinking parents. And by acting out, the scapegoat unintentionally shifts the focus away from the family's real problem– alcoholism. Unfortunately, as adults, they often struggle to fit into society, facing judgment and rejection from others. Many scapegoats also find it hard to build and maintain social connections later in life. At school, scapegoats are usually the kids who struggle with the grades and don't put much effort into studying, taking challenges or staying on track. They tend to underperform despite their potential, which leads to low marks. These kids often skip classes, disrupt lessons and stir up trouble in the classroom. Because of their behavior, they don't usually have many friends and are often disliked by adults. To find support and acceptance, they gravitate toward others who are like them. This can sometimes lead to experimenting with substances or joining subcultures. A scapegoat is often full of anger and frustration, not just towards the alcoholic parent, but also towards siblings who have taken on the family hero role. To deal with these feelings, they may act out with aggression toward peers or release their tension through fights or vandalism. You might take on one role or sometimes even two, Most of the time, though, there's one main role you stick to in the family. And you only step into the others occasionally when the situation calls for it. The most important thing to understand is that those roles are not you. This is one of the biggest challenges for us as adult children of alcoholics. figuring out who we really are and what our true character traits are. Honestly, I think the first step in discovering yourself is knowing who you are not. Understanding the roles we play in dysfunctional families is such a crucial step forward. So I really hope that this episode will help you understand who you are not. You are on the right track. So keep going. You're doing amazing. In the next episode, I'll be talking about ways to reprogram those old patterns and uncover what's truly you and what isn't. Hope to see you then. Sending love.