Episode 3- Change your programming

Welcome to today’s episode, where we uncover the hidden beliefs shaping our lives—many programmed into us like faulty code. Some patterns are obvious, but others are buried deep in our subconscious, quietly holding us back.

How do we uncover and change beliefs we don’t even realize exist? That’s where our detective tools come in—the magnifying glass, the mirror, and the flashlight. They help us zoom in, reflect, and seek guidance in rewriting the beliefs that no longer serve us.

I’ll share a personal journey—how I tackled the belief that I was shy. Shame and fear made me feel exposed every time someone called me quiet. But the issue wasn’t my nature—it was rooted in childhood moments of rejection.

Together, we’ll break it down, uncover the deeper layers, and explore how healing requires more than just affirmations—it takes self-acceptance, understanding, and love.

So, grab your detective tools, and let’s dive in!

Transcript

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Welcome to episode 3 of the podcast You Are a Cure– Adult Children of Alcoholics. This episode will be about changing your programming. What was programmed into our personal computers, our brains, was basically a bunch of lies. Really hurtful lies. And honestly, it wasn't anyone's fault. Our parents didn't know any better. They were acting based on what they knew at the time. Their actions were controlled by hurt and fear. Some beliefs are pretty obvious, and if you look closely at your life, you can often spot which belief is causing you to repeat the same patterns over and over. But then there are the deeper ones, the ones buried in your subconscious mind. They are much harder to notice. And here is the tricky part. If you don't know which belief is making you suffer or stuck in the same loop, how can you change it? How do you deal with something you don't even realize exists within you? How can you figure out what beliefs are holding you back? What's causing the pain, anxiety and uncertainty? What's trapping you in fear and negativity? You find your beliefs in your reactions, your decisions, your thoughts and your actions. And life is pretty incredible. It gives us different people and situations, all serving us as mirrors. If you are open to seeing that these people and situations are opportunities for growth and self-discovery, that is the first and most important step. That is the key. You have to be truly willing to uncover the beliefs that no longer serve you. Think of it like a detective's adventure. You will need a magnifying glass, a mirror and a flashlight. The magnifying glass represents your consciousness, your ability to zoom in and examine closely. The mirror represents symbolizes your reflection and honesty with yourself. The flashlight shines guidance from higher realms, helping you bring buried beliefs out of your subconscious and into the light of awareness. Once you've got your tools, you are all set to dive in. And there is no strict order, you can mix and match as you go. Maybe start by zooming in to get a closer look at what is happening or take a glance in the mirror to filter out anything that is not true. And if you are feeling stuck, just grab your flashlight and ask for some guidance. Let's take a moment to look at a time in my life when I was working on changing my belief that I was shy. I used to get really defensive and upset when someone pointed out that I was shy. I felt ashamed and angry at myself for not being able to change who I was. It was especially hard when someone at work or someone I had just met said, Oh, you're so quiet. Those words would make me shut down completely. I would feel like crying. retreating to my room and just staying there for years, wrapped in shame about who I am. It felt like they had uncovered my secret and I believed they couldn't possibly like me anymore. So, let's grab our detective tools and figure out what beliefs might be hiding behind my reactions to these people and situations. The first thing that came to mind was that I needed to change my belief about being quiet or shy, so I could stop being shy altogether. I decided to write in my notebook every evening before bed, repeating the affirmation, I am self-confident, assertive and extroverted. I hoped that by doing this, my unconscious mind would start to rewrite the belief of shy and quiet. But here is the thing. Affirmations like this only work if you already know the source of the belief. You need to use your detective kit first, not after. It's kind of like putting a band-aid on a deep wound caused by shrapnel. It doesn't fix the core issue. You need something more, more help, more time, more care, and most importantly, more love and understanding for yourself and what you are dealing with. You have to give those things to yourself if you want to make real changes in your life. So let's dive into this example and see how it is done. First up, magnifying glass. What is really going on here? You have to ask yourself questions like How this situation is similar to something that happened to me when I was young? Have I ever felt like this before? If so, when? What happened in those past situations? Carefully examine those situations. You can even write them down in a notebook. I already knew that I believed I was shined quiet. When I took a closer look with my magnifying glass, I started to see those moments from my childhood. Those times when I felt so ashamed whether it was because of adults or other kids just for not wanting to talk. I was carrying so much inside. feeling like I was dying because of what was happening at home. I didn't have the energy to talk, let alone smile. I was being humiliated many times by adults who probably had good intentions to convince me to talk or dance or sing, etc. Looking closely at those situations, I could see that A. I wasn't feeling safe to speak my mind. B. I was giving it everything I had, trying my best not to break down in uncontrollable sobs. C. I was playing the role of invisible child at my dysfunctional family. If you are not familiar with how the roles in the alcoholic or dysfunctional families impact our adult lives, you need to listen to my second episode. From listening to my second episode, you might already know that the roles we play are often shaped by our natural talents and traits. What you might call the essence of our soul. For me, the talent I was born with was being quiet. The reason I felt ashamed when people said things like, oh, you're so shy or you're so quiet was was because of all those times in my childhood when I was humiliated or not saying much. We, adult children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families, often share this common feeling that everyone else is superior to us. We walk around carrying this heavy belief that we've got some awful secret we can never share, like it's left a permanent mark on us. It's almost like we can feel that weight, that lingering sense of being tainted. We end up bearing the guilt and shame that rightfully belongs to our parents and that was a big factor in why I felt so ashamed and sad whenever someone discovered my secret. I guess in my mind I had linked being shy with rejection, humiliation and the lack of acceptance. So I had to revisit those situations and as an adult now give my inner child the support, acceptance and love she desperately needed. I let her have the time to cry, to tell me how she felt and to express how unfair it was for her. The second detective tool I used was the mirror, our ability to face the truth about ourselves. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, what did I truly see? Each time someone said, you are so shy, or whenever I felt judged by others as being shy, I took a moment to look at myself in my mirror. I could see that the emotions I was feeling were actually coming from the past. They weren't really tied to these specific situations. That was the truth I saw when I looked into the mirror. Those emotions felt like an old song playing on repeat. And yet I realized I was still suffering because of them. Even now. The mirror is such an incredibly powerful and essential tool. Without it, you can easily slip into your assigned role, for example, staying stuck as a victim. So, let's break this down with an example to better understand the importance of the mirror. Let's say I already knew that the emotions I feel whenever someone points out that I'm quiet stem from those childhood moments where I was humiliated and felt ashamed for not speaking up. Without the mirror, I might end up feeling sorry for myself, for everything that happened back then and what is happening now. I would slip into the victim role. Someone else might react differently. They might feel anger or even hatred toward the people who hurt them in the past or those who dare to comment on their behavior now. That reaction could push them into the prosecutor role, which often sits dangerously close to that of the scapegoat. When you fall into these roles, you lose your connection to the truth. And the truth is this. You did feel pain, embarrassment, isolation. That was real. But the truth is also that. I am an adult now. I have all the power in the world to heal myself and take responsibility for looking after that little girl or boy within me. The truth is that what I'm feeling right now was very real in the past, but it isn't anymore. That is the power of the mirror. It allows you to be rooted in the truth. Another example of how we need to start thinking using the mirror. Hopefully it will give you more understanding. You are noticing few wrinkles on your face. If you want to play the role of the victim, you might say, Oh no, on top of all my problems, I'm getting older now and I will never meet anyone who will love me and I will probably die on my own. If you want to play the role of the prosecutor, you might say, Of course, I'm getting the wrinkles. It's all because of the stress at work. I told them to hire another person to work on this project. And when you're using mirror, you're choosing the truth. You say, ah, few wrinkles. This is just to show you our inner dialogues. From mirror, we state the truth. That is all. The truth is that we are getting few wrinkles and that's it. The fact that why we feel different things because of this fact, well, let's use magnifying glass to find out. Whenever you feel yourself slipping back into the role assigned to you in your family, remember to pause and look into the mirror. Ask yourself, what's true? and what's not, what's coming from the past. Let's take a step back for a moment and talk about what trauma really means. There was this one time when my mom asked me to find my dad who was out drinking with a friend. Somehow I had an idea where he might be, but I never actually been to that place before. I think I was around 15 at the time. I knocked on the door of his friend's apartment and there they were, drinking vodka. I don't know what came over me, but I started pouring the alcohol from the glasses, straight into the sink. It was like I was in a trance. I don't even remember the sequence of events clearly. Everything felt foggy. It's the same feeling you get when you are rescuing someone close to you from a dangerous situation. Your whole body switches into fight or flight mode. Adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. As I poured the alcohol down the drain, my dad said to me, You are so stupid. We have plenty of vodka in the bottles anyway, you stupid child. Obviously, I couldn't do anything to save my dad or even convince him to leave with me. That's just one example of traumatic experience. After it happened, I remember sitting at my desk, writing down the lyrics to a song and reciting them in my head. I couldn't feel any emotions at all. I was completely frozen. All the emotions that should have been there during or after the event were stored somewhere deep in my body. Emotions are signals, letting us know what's happening with us in that moment, their energy flowing through us, creating different sensations in the various parts of our body. But what happens when that energy gets blocked, when it can't flow freely or do its job? Those emotions get stuck. Imagine those emotions triggered by the example I just shared with you. The amount of pain I felt had to be shut down to protect me. I was too young to process what was happening and I had to face it all on my own. I couldn't tell my mom how it made me feel and I couldn't share it with anyone else either. That's why our body has this emergency switch off button. It shuts down our ability to feel when it's just too overwhelming. Sometimes there's so much to process that we even forget what happened, like in cases of extreme trauma such as rape. But those emotions don't just disappear. Energy can't be destroyed, it can only be transformed. Normally, we might feel a surge of anger when someone takes our parking spot. But after a while, that anger would start to shift. Maybe we would vent about it to a close friend or a co-worker. We might even channel that energy into something physical, like punching the steering wheel. Hopefully not the guy. When we let a signal, emotion, pass through the body, it doesn't get stuck. Like in the example of the guy taking our parking spot. But with trauma, all those emotions become trapped. If you experience multiple traumatic events, these emotions can build up, forming yarn balls of tangled feelings. They're like a foreign object in your system, and what's the automatic response of the body when it detects something foreign? It does whatever it takes to expel it, because the body is always striving for balance and health. This is why you might unconsciously choose people who trigger those stuck emotions or find yourself drawn to situations where this energetic ball of yarn can finally be released. It means all those times you've asked yourselves, why am I going through the same scenario over and over? Or why do I always pick the wrong partners? are actually blessings in disguise. They are chances to revisit your childhood and use the free detective tools, right? Now, let's talk about the third tool we haven't touched on yet. The flashlight. With the magnifying glass, we've already examined what's really happening in the situation. With the mirror, we've stood in truth. We've let go of roles and reconnected with the truth within ourselves, staying in tune with our inner child. So what is missing? This is something we often overlook in our healing journey, but it's so absolutely essential. Taking those unknown roads can be scary, full of doubts, and sometimes we lose our way. It can feel lonely too. especially since not everyone is ready or mature enough to walk alongside someone who is focused on healing and improving their life. The flashlight represents divine guidance, helping us take the next step forward and illuminating the path ahead. We need this higher love. We need to feel connected to something greater and deeply loving. The flashlight also shines into those hidden corners of our consciousness, where our most buried beliefs reside. Sometimes just bringing those beliefs into the light is all it takes. Simply recognizing that we hold on to certain beliefs can cause them to dissolve, almost like they are melting away. Many times the pain I felt was just too overwhelming to handle on my own. I knew what had really happened and I was living in my truth. But I couldn't untangle that ball of yarn. It had just grown too big. So I reached out for help and I received it. I've shared more details about what happened to me in my book. which is currently being translated and hopefully it will be published soon. Asking for help can be really tough, especially for someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family. It might not come naturally to you, but here is the thing. You don't need to be religious to ask for help. All you need is an awareness. that there is some kind of intelligent consciousness out there willing to lend a hand. What might happen when you ask for help? You could have a dream that gives you a hint about your hidden belief or maybe you will meet someone who helps you figure things out or already knows the answer. You might even watch a movie and suddenly realize Everything becomes crystal clear to you. There are so many ways help can come to you. You just have to stay open to receiving it. All the beliefs that hold us back from growth, happiness, prosperity and love are often tied to painful and very often traumatic experiences from the past. That's why, as I mentioned earlier in this episode, Simply writing or saying affirmations doesn't really change anything if you are carrying deeper wounds. Reprogramming yourself starts with healing your inner child, staying connected to the truth and being open to asking for guidance and receiving it. And one last thing. I'm so happy that I'm the quiet one. I've learned that this is a gift. something I can use in my coaching sessions. By listening, you often learn so much more than by speaking. Stay tuned for more episodes and I wish you courage in your healing journey. And don't forget about the free tools.