Episode 4- Shame

This episode explores shame, guilt, and toxic shame, showing how they shape self-awareness and behavior. Shame stems from internalized failure, while guilt arises from specific mistakes and can motivate change. Through real-life scenarios, the episode illustrates how these emotions affect personal growth.

While some shame promotes moral awareness, toxic shame—especially in dysfunctional families—traps individuals in cycles of self-doubt. Children in unstable environments often absorb shame that their parents refuse to acknowledge, leading them to feel inherently flawed. The episode stresses the importance of self-awareness in breaking free from harmful emotional patterns.

Using a striking metaphor, it explains how shame spreads in dysfunctional families and how children internalize it. The host shares personal experiences, emphasizing that toxic shame is not a reflection of one's worth. Healing begins with awareness, open conversations, and challenging negative beliefs to reclaim self-acceptance.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to episode 4 of a podcast You Are a Cure, Adult Children of Alcoholics. In this episode, I will be talking about shame. And shame is one of the toughest emotions to deal with, but it's something we all feel from time to time. Some people, like adult children of alcoholics, or those from dysfunctional families, experience it more often. Kids start feeling shame and guilt around the age of two. Now, there's shame, there's toxic shame and there's also guilt. They can seem similar to each other and can be tricky to define. Shame and guilt both fall into the category of emotions tied to self-awareness. And when we mess up and start thinking it's because we are just not good enough, that's shame kicking in. But if we see failure as just one time mistake instead of proof that there is something wrong with us, we feel guilty. And that guilt can actually motivate us to improve next time. Now, don't get me wrong. Shame can lead to introspection and looking at our life to seek improvements too. But we tend to seek improvements to our actions more often than to our personalities. Simply simpler. In order to seek improvements and decide on changing the behaviors... When we feel shame gripping in, we need to have a strong motivation. And I will talk about this more on a part where we will deal with how to break from toxic shame. Now, let's break it down with examples to see how guilt and shame play out in real life. Let's imagine a woman is walking out for a walk on a beautiful sunny day when she spots a young girl approaching her. The girl asks for directions and the woman quickly notices that she's not from the area. Her accent is different and she looks lost and a bit scared. The woman gives her directions and then continues on her way. But as she walks away, something doesn't sit right. She realizes that the girl might still be confused or too nervous to find her way. A feeling of guilt creeps in. Maybe she should have stayed a little longer to make sure the girl was okay or even walked her to her destination. Maybe the girl needed more help. Dead in mind to make things right, the woman turns back, joins the girl and tells her she will personally walk her to her destination. In doing so, she can also find out what's worrying her. worrying the girl and make sure she gets to where she needs to be safely. This is guilt. It's all about a specific moment or action. What triggers this emotion is our moral compass, our conscience. When guilt kicks in, it can actually push us to do better. If our sense of right and wrong is strong and we are mature enough, to take responsibility for our actions. So let's look at another situation. Let's say a man applies for a manager role, even though he's never worked in such position before. He figures it's worth a shot. On the day of the interview, he dresses professionally and has his answers to the usual questions ready. He's a little nervous, but who wouldn't be? Then surprise, he finds out that not only is the company's director interviewing him, but there's also HR rep in the room. He wasn't expecting that and suddenly his nerves spike. He hadn't prepared for HR specific questions and now as they start coming his way, he's struggling with each answer. He's sweating. already convinced he is a failure. When the interview finally wraps up, the interviewers thank him for his time. But deep down, he knows he failed. Now, shame is hitting hard. It doesn't feel like he just messed up an interview. It feels like he is a failure. That's the thing about shame. It's not about a single mistake. It attacks who you are. It's triggered by that awful feeling of not being enough, of believing you are just not a good person. There's no moral compass guiding you to improve, just a harsh inner critic whispering, you suck. Shame doesn't push you to reflect or try again. It traps you in the role of a victim, weighing you down instead of helping you grow. Now, each of these examples could have played out differently. Take the woman. She could have felt ashamed for not properly helping the lost girl. In her head, she might have thought, oh my God, what is wrong with me? I can't even help others. I'm such a loser. And then just walked away, feeling bad about herself, not just her actions. On the other hand, The man interviewing for the manager role could have felt guilty for not preparing enough for the HR questions. Instead of beating himself up, he might have thought, I really need to work harder on those HR questions next time. Maybe I will write them down tomorrow so I don't forget what they were. That way he sees it is a learning opportunity rather than a personal failure. Is shame ever good for you? Yes. If it weren't, why would we even feel it? Every emotion has some wisdom behind it. It's like a signal telling us something important. A little bit of shame can actually be helpful. It reminds us that we are not the only ones in the world and that we need to follow certain rules to get along with others. It makes us more aware of how our actions affect people, encouraging us to be mindful and considerate. Shame also acts as a warning sign, letting us know when we strayed far from our true values. If your moral compass is showing a solid minus 100, shame is basically shouting, alert, alert, you are off track, turn back, this is a dead end. Some people feel shame because they've made choices that go against what's good or right. In that way, healthy shame can serve as an internal wake-up call, nudging someone to rethink their path. It's like an emotional alarm that let us know when we've crossed the line. It's uncomfortable, but sometimes it helps steer us in the right direction. now toxic shame is something that causes a lot of pain and can seriously damage our lives why does shame turn toxic and why do adult children of alcoholics or people from dysfunctional families seem to experience it the most i already mentioned that to work through shame and make real changes you need maturity and strong motivation This is because shame targets our being and not our actions. But there's more to it. You also need self-awareness. That means understanding your emotions, past traumas and the reasons behind your reactions. Instead of just living the moment and reacting, you need to step back and be an observer of your own life. When you do that, you stop looking at everything through the lens of trauma, pain, or the roles you've played, whether as a victim, prosecutor, or hero. Instead, you see yourself clearly, like looking in a mirror, and you actually notice what's there. If you want to work through shame and change your behavior, you need all of this. Awareness, reflection. and the ability to see yourself honestly. That's where growth starts. My parents, and probably yours too, never had that kind of self-awareness. They looked at themselves through the lens of their childhood trauma, avoiding deeper issues they were too scared to face. Because of that, they never really acted on their shame. Waking up with a hangover, they couldn't confront it. They didn't take responsibility for their actions. They couldn't shift into observer mode and truly see what their life had become. Why? Because facing the truth would mean asking for help, admitting they had an addiction, and accepting that their choices were hurting the people around them. And even beyond that, They would have to dig deep into their childhood traumas and finally begin healing their inner child, something they may not have been ready for. It's a tough cycle and breaking free from it takes courage, self-awareness and a willingness to grow. So instead, our parents chose to ignore the problem, acting like everything was fine and even though everyone around them felt the exact opposite. Children who naturally start feeling shame around the age of two are pure and deeply connected to their truth and unconditional love, so they sense this shame, even when the adults pretend it's not there. So let's say a dad comes home drunk late at night. Mom wakes up and starts screaming at him. The fight explodes. Swearing, nasty words, pure chaos. In the middle of it all, the child lies in bed, pillow over their head, scared, awakened by the shouting. It might take ages to fall asleep again. Child tries not to hear, but they hear everything, just in case child might need to step in and help with the drunk dad. The next day, dad acts like nothing happened. Mom too. There's tension, sure. But no one talks about it. No one apologizes for waking the child up. No one says I'm sorry. And there's the thickness in the air. A heavy, suffocating silence. Toxic. I once heard an example that perfectly illustrates what happens in dysfunctional families when shame is in the air, but no one acknowledges it. Imagine there's an excrement line right in the middle of the room. A child walks in, where the mom and dad are sitting, chatting and smiling as if nothing's wrong. But the child smells the stink. The weird part? No one else seems to see or smell it. That's when the child starts to doubt their own senses. If no one else notices this, then maybe this stink is mine. And just like that, the shame, this invisible stink, seeps into the child's mind. They start believing that if mom and dad don't see the shame, it belongs to them instead. It's all happening on a subconscious level. Shame goes to a person who is able to feel it, and in these families, only child can sense it or feel it. Of course, as I mentioned, they are all subconscious beliefs, deep, hidden thoughts that are hard to reach and even harder to change. But as you might remember from episode 3 of this podcast, understanding them is the first step toward breaking free. In a healthy family, when a parent makes a mistake, they own up to it, apologize and actually work to improve their behavior so it doesn't happen again. The partner's reaction would also be very different from that of a dysfunctional partner. Instead of ignoring what happened or instantly forgiving without addressing the issue, they would respect their own boundaries and needs. They would talk things through, making sure both sides understand what happened and why it mattered. Unfortunately, this kind of open, respectful communication is rare. in dysfunctional families. In those situations, mistakes often get ignored, dismissed or repeated with no real accountability or effort to change. These moments where shame lingered in the air but no one took accountability happened over and over again. It wasn't just a one-time thing. That's why this toxic odor of shame became so deeply ingrained in us. And on top of that, the shame that no one else acknowledged somehow become ours to carry. There was also the shame we felt because of how our parents behaved when they were drunk, especially if someone else saw them. Once again, the child absorbs that shame, taking it on as their own, even though it never should have been theirs to begin with. I remember never inviting my school friends over to my house. I was simply too ashamed, afraid of what they might see, what they might think. I didn't want them to witness anything that I would feel ashamed of. Someone close to me once told me a story about his dad, who was mumbling and barely standing on his feet, completely drunk. while trying to talk to a person who wanted to buy something from him. The other person was classy and respectful, but his dad, not so much. These kinds of situations happened all the time for my friends. So on top of the shame we carry from all the times our mom or dad were drunk and never took accountability, there's also the shame we absorb from every situations. where they acted inappropriately in front of others. It's like we are collecting layers of shame that were never ours to begin with. And to add to this, adult children of alcoholics often feel shame simply for who they are. That's because they never received unconditional love and acceptance for just being themselves. Parts of their personality were never truly accepted. If those parts didn't fit the role they were expected to play in the family, they had to push them aside. Some parts of themselves were even cut off completely because they knew they wouldn't be loved or accepted if they expressed them. That leaves them with this deep, painful belief that they are not enough, that they are somehow failing or that they don't deserve love and acceptance. They start feeling like the only way to be accepted is by playing a role, not by being the real authentic self. But that raises a big question. How can love or acceptance be real if you have to pretend to be someone else to get it? If you can't be your true self, is it even genuine love? That's what toxic shame is. It's a mix of the unspoken shame at home that no one acknowledged, the shame of being embarrassed by a parent's behavior, and most of all, the shame of feeling like you as a person are fundamentally flawed. That's just so unfair and heartbreaking. Children so pure, so full of unconditional love for their parents, no matter what, end up being taught that they aren't worthy of that love in return. And that's where shame creeps in. They start feeling like they failed to live up to their parents' expectations, even though it was never their burden to carry in the first place. With toxic shame, The first step is recognizing that it is toxic. It's not healthy, unnatural, and most importantly, it has nothing to do with how you've lived your life or who you are as a person. I want to share how I've dealt with this, hoping that some part of it resonates with you and helps you in your own journey. Of course, everyone has their own experiences and we've all been through different things. But at the end of the day, we all long for the same things. Love, acceptance, closeness, support and understanding. So in that way, we are not so different after all. For me, the breaking point was finally understanding what had happened to me, really seeing it for what it was. Once I saw the lies I had been believing, I got angry. But not at my parents, not even at myself for believing those lies, no. I got mad at the lies themselves, at this dark energy that stirs up all those ridiculous ideas, making me believe I'm not good enough, that I'm somehow unworthy and that there's something wrong with me. That anger was powerful. It helped me start breaking free from all of it. Whenever I caught myself thinking, I'm not good enough or I don't deserve this, that anger kicked in. I would tell those thoughts straight up. You just echoes from the past. You are not real. I am good enough. These are just lies. But I wasn't just convincing myself of new ideas. I genuinely knew they weren't true. I treated those thoughts like intruders, like something trying to steal my happiness. The key is to be really aware of your thoughts and how you treat yourself. So stay present and don't slip into autopilot. I'm actually planning an episode all about mindfulness and staying in the moment, so stay tuned for that. And slowly but surely, that shame, the belief that I wasn't enough, melted away. The key to getting rid of toxic shame is really talking about it. The moment you say out loud that you feel ashamed of who you are, that shame starts to shrink little by little. And if you know where your shame comes from, in this case dysfunctional childhood, how could you possibly stay ashamed? You were just a child, a child who wanted love and acceptance, nothing more. So stay brave and strong on your journey and you deserve to heal.