Holiday Survival Guide for the Family-Challenged

In this heartfelt and insightful episode, we explore the emotional complexity of spending holidays back at your family home—especially for those who come from dysfunctional or traumatic backgrounds. Returning as an adult to the place and people who shaped you can feel like stepping into a time warp, where old roles and behaviors resurface despite all the personal growth you’ve achieved.

This episode is dedicated to those who’ve worked hard to heal, grow, and redefine themselves. We unpack why family visits can be so draining, how deeply ingrained roles within dysfunctional systems pull us back into outdated versions of ourselves, and why our families often resist the changes we’ve made.

You’ll learn:

·       Why returning home can trigger old patterns and emotional fatigue

·       How family projections shape interactions and reinforce roles

·       Strategies to stay grounded, set boundaries, and protect your energy

·       Tools to plan your visit with intention and recover afterward

·       Personal stories that illuminate the surreal experience of “becoming your old self” again

Whether you’re the scapegoat, the peacemaker, or the invisible one, this episode offers practical guidance and emotional validation to help you navigate the holidays with clarity, compassion, and strength.

·       Plan Your Escape Hatch

·       Build a Support System

·       Stay Grounded in the Moment

·       Recover After the Visit

·       Self-Compassion Is Key

Open Question to Listeners: Is it ever OK to skip the holidays entirely? Can choosing not to visit be an act of self-care? The host invites listeners to share their thoughts for a future episode.

www.uracure.com- you will find my articles, and details around my coaching sessions. 

justyna.lyzwa@uracure.com - feel free to contact me for collaborations ideas and question on the topics. 

Transcript

 Hi and welcome to episode 13 of my podcast, UR a CURE: Inner Power. In today’s episode, we’ll be talking about holidays—but not in the usual way people do… OH NO! 😊

We’ll be diving into the experience of spending holidays with your family. Returning as an adult to the place where you were raised, to the people who shaped you, can be overwhelming and quite tough for many of us, right?

This episode is for all of you who’ve been working hard on yourselves—unscrambling old patterns, healing past traumas, and challenging your limitations. You’ve been trying to give yourself now what you weren’t given in childhood. You’ve changed so much that the version of you today is almost unrecognizable to your parents. You might even struggle to find topics to talk about with them.

If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you.

I’ll be exploring why going back to the family home can be emotionally and energetically draining. We’ll talk about why you might slip back into old behaviors or fall into roles assigned within a dysfunctional family system. If you’re not familiar with the different roles in dysfunctional families, be sure to check out the episode I recorded specifically on that topic.

The intention of this episode is to help you strategize and plan so that holidays with your family can be enjoyable—and not just stressful. We’ll learn techniques and tools to help you stay aligned with your new self, avoid negativity and toxicity, and even explore how to recover emotionally after the holidays.

I’ll be honest—visiting my parents, or even my husband’s parents, isn’t easy for me. When I used to go back to my family home in Poland, it felt like stepping into the past. I became that little girl again—the invisible one—never asked about important or difficult topics like politics. Not that I ever cared much about politics, haha… but you know what I mean.

It was as if I were energetically transported back into an old version of myself—with the same gestures, tone of voice, and automatic reactions. For some people, even an accent they thought they’d lost comes back during those visits. It’s like dark magic. So surreal at times. I used to not understand why this was happening to me. Why am I a completely different person with my kids and husband, but when I return to the home where I was raised, I become this old version of myself?

I’ll share what I’ve discovered about that soon. But first, I want to focus on the roles within dysfunctional families. I want to show you that this ‘dark magic’—this pull back into the old self—is a thousand times stronger for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional or alcoholic households.

We all have an image of someone created in our minds, right? We categorize people, placing them into certain boxes. If you think of someone from work or your neighbor, you already have a mental image of them—even though you don’t know the journey they’ve been through, their interests, favorite foods, or books.

Even if you’ve never spoken a single word to your neighbor, you still categorize and compartmentalize them in some way. We all do it. We judge others through our own lens, shaped by societal rules and beliefs.

The way you perceive someone influences how you speak to and interact with them. For example, if you believe that a person with a tattoo is dangerous, you might not smile or be open toward them. You might avoid eye contact, walk past them quickly, or feel tense and stressed as they approach.

So, the way you perceive someone—through your beliefs and preconditioned thoughts—affects your reactions, often without you even realizing it. These subconscious filters shape your behavior, not based on who that person truly is, but on what you’ve been taught to associate with their appearance or identity.

We do this with strangers, but even more so with the people we know best—our family. We hold so many beliefs, memories, and experiences that reinforce our image of them. The version of them we project is often deeply ingrained and hard to shift.

When a person with a tattoo is treated as dangerous, the image we project onto them can be strong enough to actually spark an aggressive side in them. We send out a message about how we see them, and they pick up on it energetically—then adjust their energy to match our projection.

Here’s the thing: whoever holds the stronger projection of an image tends to “win.” If that person with the tattoo is deeply aware of who they are, it becomes much harder for us to distort their self-image.

Awareness is key—again. I keep saying this, but being aware of your triggers, your boundaries, your thoughts, and your emotions is absolutely essential. It’s the answer here too. Always. In every situation.

Going back to our holiday scenario—with mum, dad, and your siblings—they likely hold a strong image or projection of who you are. Especially in a dysfunctional family, you had a role that helped keep the family functioning, even if just barely. That role enabled the system to survive.

Returning to that environment and refusing to play your assigned role can make everyone uncomfortable, to say the least. They might ask if something’s wrong with you—or simply get irritated without understanding why. In their eyes, something is wrong with you if you’re not behaving the way you always did.

If you were the scapegoat—the one blamed for everything—you can’t be surprised if suddenly being kind and calm triggers confusion or even hostility. Your family may unconsciously try to provoke you using familiar words or scenarios designed to elicit the reactions they associate with the scapegoat: anger, resentment, defensiveness.

They will, often without realizing it, do everything in their power to pull you back into the version of you they’ve always known. They need that scapegoat to bury the real problem. Even if the addiction or dysfunction has stopped, the emotional reactions and coping mechanisms within the family often remain unchanged.

People don’t like change. They want to know what to expect from you. They feel unsettled when they can’t place you in a familiar box. In dysfunctional families, it’s not just about discomfort—it’s about survival. If there’s no scapegoat… does that mean we have to face our own pain and problems?

No, no, no.

When it comes to family, it’s not just one person who holds a fixed image of who you are—it’s your entire family. And that can make it incredibly difficult to withstand the weight of so many different projections and expectations all at once.

The people who’ve known us the longest often see us through layers of history—who we were as children, how we reacted in specific moments, and the roles we unconsciously filled within the family dynamic. Sometimes, those images feel outdated or limiting, especially if we’ve grown in ways they haven’t fully recognized.

It can be overwhelming to feel misunderstood or boxed in by those closest to us, because their perception often feels more permanent—and harder to shake.

How can you strategize and plan your stay to avoid being triggered or drawn into negativity and toxicity?

First of all, being around someone negative or toxic isn’t inherently a bad thing. A negative person is still a person—perhaps just a little lost, stressed, or hurt, right? We can’t limit our time and space only to those who are always positive.

That said, spending extended periods with someone who is consistently toxic or negative can lead to emotional exhaustion. It can leave you feeling depleted, anxious, and possibly disconnected from yourself. Over time, that energy can begin to erode your boundaries, your confidence, and even your mental clarity.

Would it be half a day, or just 20 minutes? Everyone’s limits are different—and that’s perfectly OK. Start by checking in with yourself. How are you feeling right now? Are you feeling down or sad, or are you energized and optimistic?

Treat yourself with the utmost kindness and love. You matter here too. You need to be in a good state of mind so you can enjoy yourself—and that way, others will enjoy your presence as well.

Think about any topics you’d prefer to avoid for personal reasons. Maybe it’s common in your family to gossip or speak negatively about certain people in your circle. What will be your strategy for not engaging in those conversations? Could you plan to step out if an uncomfortable topic arises? Or gently steer the conversation toward something else?

Whatever helps you feel safe and aligned with your values is worth preparing. The key here is to create your plan beforehand. Know how much time you’ll spend where, and have an emotional safety plan in place—whether that means knowing where to go if you feel overwhelmed, or how to ground yourself when things get tense.

What I recommend—if possible—is to book a room in a hotel instead of staying in the family home. It can serve as a helpful escape route, allowing you to say you’re tired and need to get some rest at the hotel.

Consider having someone you can call for emotional support if needed. Plan who that person might be, and ask in advance if they’d be okay with you reaching out during your visit.

That’s your planning stage. But once you’re actually in the moment, how can you help yourself stay rooted in your calm, positive version of self?

Awareness is key—always. Remember that. You need to be fully present, grounded in your experience, truly feeling what you’re feeling and allowing it without judgment.

To stay grounded in the moment, small tactile reminders can work wonders. You might carry a stone in your pocket—or any object that serves as a personal anchor to the here and now. Each time you touch it, you’re gently reminded of who you are and of your intention to remain centered.

You could also create a mantra—a phrase that resonates with your values or inner strength—and repeat it internally to return to your peaceful core. Or simply shift your focus to your breath, consciously slowing it down to relax your body, calm your mind, and recalibrate your energy. It helps to prepare these tools—your mantras, grounding objects, and breathing techniques—ahead of time, so they’re readily available when you need them most. This way, you’re not reacting unconsciously, but choosing your response from a place of clarity and self-compassion.

Strange as it might sound, you may need a real break from your break at the family home. Prepare for that too. Don’t jump straight back into work after your flight—take a few extra days off to truly relax, reflect, and absorb what happened.

Journal your thoughts. Notice which areas still need healing or growth. And most importantly, congratulate yourself for staying true to yourself—even if it was only for 10 minutes. Be gentle with yourself. You returned to a place where you may not have felt safe, loved, or accepted. Maybe it’s still not safe. Maybe you’re still not appreciated or loved there.

So give that love and safety to yourself.

I know it’s not easy—you know it too. So say to yourself: “I’m proud of myself for trying to stay true to who I am now.”

Maybe spend more time in nature. Meditate more often. Find what nourishes you, and plan rituals that help you heal, grow, and understand yourself more deeply.

Remember, healing is not linear. You may find yourself revisiting the same issue—even after years of thinking you’ve moved past it. So if you discover that a particular trauma is still present, don’t place blame on yourself. It’s normal.

Maybe you simply need to see this trauma, this pain, from a different angle. That’s okay. It’s all part of the process.

And it’s really OK to prioritize yourself and your peace. 

🎙️ Do you think it’s OK to skip the holidays? Is it ever acceptable not to visit your parents at all? What’s your take on this?

I’m genuinely curious to hear your thoughts—because this topic isn’t black and white. For some, skipping the holidays might be an act of self-care. For others, it might feel like betrayal or guilt. Let me know and I will share your reply in a future episode. 

As always I wish you all the best.