Learning How to Heal Toxic Shame

In this episode I share with you what toxic shame is, how it developed in my life, and some ways to bring presence to the pain of carrying it. 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to Into the Shadows. I'm Melissa, and if you're new here, welcome. And if you're returning, welcome back. Today's subject is toxic shame. And this subject is very near and dear to my heart. It's something that I've struggled with and I still struggle with. And friends that I know struggle with it, and family members as well. Toxic shame is this belief that you are fundamentally flawed. Or maybe it's no one would love me or accept me if they saw who I really am. It's that kind of thinking. It's the inner perfectionist who always needs to get it right. It's self-isolating. It's no one can see me this way. And I'm going to retreat into my little cave forever. For me, toxic shame showed up as this deep feeling of not being enough. And feeling like extremely scared of failure. And therefore, I didn't try things like I wanted to. Or I would try them and then I would quit. So self-sabotage is also a factor in toxic shame as well. It's knowing things are good for you, but quitting them the moment things get serious, or you might be fully seen. It's debilitating. It's a deep sadness and a deep ache in life that you're never really going to be able to touch your joy or your happiness. So we hold ourselves back, we don't speak up, we don't assert ourselves, and we end up in dead-end relationships or karmic relationships. Or maybe we don't end up in a relationship at all because the idea of being fully seen in a relationship is too much to bear. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. This is the stuff that takes lives. I hold reverence for this kind of pain because the way it developed was in childhood when you didn't have anyone there to meet you in presence, in love, or understanding. Instead, our parents and our environment project their beliefs and their unhealed pain onto us. They take their unconscious pain and they direct it outward and we absorb it. And we end up carrying it around with us as shame. As some of you know, I use dreams as a way to evolve and grow. And I listen to my dreams, and my dreams show me things. And it was really cool because lately I've been working through this toxic shame layer, and it showed my toxic shame as a heavy wet blanket. The coolest part of the dream was that I had a group of people who were assisting me and helping me drop this shame. And for those of you who know self-isolation and being alone and not knowing where to go or what to do or who to talk to or how to open up, I so know that pain and I know that belief system. And I want you to know that you can heal it. Not only can you heal it, but you can transcend it, and you can become the person that you've always come here to be. And maybe that's just showing up in relationships more authentic, or believing in yourself so that you can finally achieve that goal. Or maybe it's just presence that you're after. Dreamwork is a beautiful path for that. I shared in my last podcast some of the other things that I've done to heal and how those have been beneficial. And dream work is one that I always come back to, and what's really pushing me along my path. A little bit about my story is I grew up in a Mormon family, and there were seven kids, and six of us are girls. And my parents were pretty religious. My dad was a covert, is a covert narcissist. And um not only that, but sadistic and um kind of on the the more extreme level of narcissism. He sexually abused me when I was a little girl. And that took me a lot of years to show up to that and to face that, and to unwind all of this shame that I gathered and held from that experience. So not only did I have the Mormon perfectionism and the constant obedience. Um sorry, it's just making me laugh. Um I guess it's a good sign if I can laugh about it now. But just this idea that everything is so strict and rigid and controlled, and women are so held back in their power, and men have patriarchy, and I don't mean patriarchy in like the role sense, I mean like spiritual narcissism at its finest. I clearly need to do a podcast about Mormonism because it goes it's deep and lengthy. But for sake of time, it's a very perfectionistic um wear a mask that you're perfect kind of religion. That definitely played a part in my toxic shame. Of course, being sexually abused by your dad is also a way to, a huge way to layer on toxic shame. Um, my mom, however, she was nurturing in the way that she would make you dinners. And she wasn't always gone. She was there, but she was there, but not there. She was really unnurturing and um had a rip-roaring temper. And as a child, that was really difficult, and it was really hard to um feel safe, clearly. And the way that I learned to deal with that is to build these different layers of toxic shame. And this is toxic shame at the very root level of my being. Because dream work takes you so deep into your unconscious, and your unconscious is tied to your body. So if you think about a nightmare and how it um, you know, scares you in the dream and your heart rate's high and it's you're breathing heavy, like your body is reacting to that experience. It's rad. I didn't know this when I started dream work, but dream work heals your body. And it takes you to the root level of where you hold your shame. One of the other ways to heal your toxic shame is to step into a little bit of grace. You could also call this self-forgiveness, but it's offering yourself the unconditional love that no one was able to offer you. Because I mean, ultimately that's what we're searching for, right? Is someone to see us and someone to witness us. And what better way to do that than to start with showing ourselves that same grace? And I'm not going to pretend that that is easy. In fact, it's extremely difficult. It's really hard to go up against those voices of self-doubt and self-criticism when we're trying to access self-forgiveness. But I promise you that when you start to dig deeper into yourself, you will find light within you. And you'll discover that you actually are not your shame. Now I want to invite you into just a small mindfulness practice. Find a place where you can relax somewhere and close your eyes. Now bring someone to mind that you deeply care about. And I want you to imagine that they're coming to you with a lot of toxic shame symptoms. Not enough, self-doubt, maybe addictions. And if you've met yourself in an honest way, then maybe you can show up to that and hold space. If you haven't, then that becomes the invitation. And there's no shame here. And if you have can you hold space for this friend and offer them some advice? Maybe even some encouragement. Now, and this is where the challenge is. Now redirect that advice and encouragement towards yourself. And just notice if there's any resistance to receiving that. That is where your work lies. Figuring out a way through the mud, through the muck of toxic shame and onto solid ground. Solid ground being your confidence, your willpower, your instincts, and your light. Basically embodiment. And it's not pretending, it's authentic. It's real. That is what's waiting for you on the other side of your shape. Now I want you to think about something that you love. Something that brings you joy, something that brings you happiness, and makes you feel gratitude inside of your heart. This can be a person, it can be a pet, it can be something in nature. But I want you to bring this into your mind. And I want you to see it. Now I want you to bring this into your heart. And I want you to feel it.

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Really let that love expand inside of your heart.

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Now going forward, I want you to take that love that's inside of your heart and keep it there. And I want you to think of it as a tiny seed. And just know that that seed has potential. And the more you believe in it, the more it will grow and expand in your life. So to just bring that all together by seeing yourself and witnessing your shame, you slowly start to break the cord to your toxic shame, to your belief system. And because you bring understanding, self-forgiveness expands. And when self-forgiveness expands, so does your light. And you give this seed the conditions and the right soil to grow in because you start to nurture it with these feelings and belief of unconditional love. So I will leave this here. And wherever you are on your path of healing toxic shame, I am sending you so much support and trust in your path. Thank you for listening in today. And wherever you are in the world, stay safe and remember that you are love.