Supernaut
Supernaut is a podcast about spirituality, sobriety, and the spectrum of self. Hosted by Beth Kelling, this show explores what it means to seek clarity, connection, and personal truth in a world that rarely slows down.
Since beginning her sobriety journey in 2020, Beth has been diving deeper into spiritual practices, emotional honesty, and all the beautiful, messy layers of identity.
Each episode opens the door to conversations about healing, growth, creativity, intuition, and everything in between — because who we are isn’t fixed, it’s a spectrum.
Beth will be joined by guests who share their own stories, perspectives, and spiritual paths — offering insight, inspiration, and the occasional cosmic detour.
Whether you’re sober-curious, spiritually inclined, or just looking to feel a little more human, you’re in the right place
Supernaut
Showing Up: Discipling Starts At Home
What if the name you’re trying to build isn’t the one that matters most? Robert joins us to unpack a raw, hopeful journey from chasing reputation to choosing a life that reflects Jesus—through sobriety, discipleship, and daily discipline that holds when emotions don’t. His story isn’t polished. It’s honest. One holiday decision led to relapse, a police call, court, and probation. He doesn’t hide it; he names it and explains how getting back up, not counting streaks, and practicing transparency turned shame into traction.
We dive into how mentoring friends through scripture and dinner tables sparked real change. Robert shares why he now disciples at home first—protecting marriage, guiding his kids, and turning fishing trips into lessons on patience and integrity. He talks openly about clinical depression, seasonal dips, and how inputs matter: swapping sad songs for praise, returning to daily reading, and asking Jesus to rewire his thinking. A timely seminar on depression and PTSD confirmed what he was living—habits set the weather in your soul.
Out in a tree stand before sunrise, he finds God in the quiet. At work, he defines manhood with two words: show up. Effort over ego. Presence over promises. We explore addiction beyond the big names—sugar, nicotine, and our phones—and how small choices either dull or deepen our spiritual sight. If you’ve ever felt one bad day erase years of progress, Robert’s testimony offers grit and grace in equal measure. Listen for practical hope, a clear-eyed view of spiritual warfare, and simple steps that help you keep going when it would be easier to quit.
0:00 Names, Reputation, And Only Jesus
2:30 A Song Choice Sparks A Faith Shift
4:40 Sobriety, Calling, And Spiritual Warfare
8:10 Transparency, Relapse, And Owning Consequences
11:20 Discipling Friends And Living Scripture
15:00 Cutting Ties, Bible Study, And New Brotherhood
18:20 Marriage Trials, Falling Away, And Returning
21:20 Depression, Music, And Renewing The Mind
25:00 Finding God Outdoors And In Silence
27:00 Daily Crosses: Addiction, Habits, And Phones
30:00 Replacing Addictions With Purpose And Play
33:20 Fatherhood, Fishing, And Teachable Moments
37:10 Manhood, Showing Up, And Work Ethic
39:20 Community Praise And Character Reflections
42:00 Legacy, Loyalty, And Ongoing Growth
45:00 Closing Gratitude And Future Hopes
Welcome to Supernaut where we explore the inner and outer dimensions of the self. Today, Robert Fasthorse is joining us. I asked you to pick a song for us to listen to before we started. What song did you pick?
SPEAKER_02:I picked uh Only Jesus by Casting Crowns.
SPEAKER_00:Why did you pick that song?
SPEAKER_02:It's a long story. So growing up, all my life, my last name is Fast Horse, so that name kind of sticks out quite a bit around here. And growing up, not only by my mother, but pretty much the world, the world tells you to make a name for yourself. And so I spent most of my teenage years and early 20s, what I thought was making a name for myself, but in reality it was creating more of a reputation than an actual name. Because a name means something. A name has meaning, it has a title. And all I created was a reputation of bad decisions. And the older I got and my faith developed, I finally learned that there's only really one name that really matters on this earth. Because when you really think about it, in a couple generations, my name is gonna be forgotten. Which I'm perfectly fine with. Because to be honest, I I don't even remember the name of my grandma's mother and how quickly a name your name is just rubbed out from the face of the earth. Unless you did something great, George Washington, you know, presidents, people we learn about in history. And the older I got in my faith developed with Jesus, I started realizing that my name doesn't matter. The only name that matters that I want to be able to pass on, that the only name I want people to see from me is Jesus. So with that song, it it kind of just goes into doesn't matter what you've done in life, you know, what really matters in the end is what Christ did for us, and his very name stands for what he did for us. That's why I chose that song.
SPEAKER_00:Well, it was a beautiful song. I'm so excited to put it in the Supernaut playlist. But that reason behind it is even more beautiful. I love that. That realization. Yeah. Because I think words do have energy, so names definitely do. But now that you can see that the short time that you have here, God's gonna be shown through you instead of your egotistical making a name for yourself. Like that's huge.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:How did it feel when you made that realization?
SPEAKER_02:It was uh sobering, say the least. It was it was actually just kind of really a a process over the years, and we had this get together where at our church we had um we have a conference, and there's multiple churches within that conference, and we had this conference where everyone's coming to our home church, and there's two others, and the assignment was to choose a song and to you know tell you why I chose a song, kind of like what we just did here. And that was the song I chose because at the time I really loved this song, but then when I started really kind of diving deep into why I chose this song, you know, I believe God is faithful, he put that that impression on my heart of why I love that song so much. But yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That's great. Um, so when Anthony, your friend and coworker, was on a few months ago now already. I told this story, but wanted to tell it again that um before I had started podcasting, but when I was working on what the podcast was going to be about and um the themes, I at that point was waking up every single day thinking, I don't want to go forward with this, I don't want to do the podcast, I should just quit. But I was like up all night with ideas, like things just kept coming to me. But that morning, this specific morning, I think it was in September last year, I was like dead set on quitting. I woke up, I'm like, I'm sick, I'm going back and forth on this. I just don't want to do it. I'm just gonna stop. But a couple hours later, I ran into you and you were like, Hey, oh my gosh, how are you? I've been sorry I haven't came in the bar to see you, but I quit drinking, and I was like, I quit drinking too, and I don't work there anymore. And you were like, and Anthony quit drinking, and then it just came out of my mouth. I was like, Oh, and I'm doing a podcast about sobriety, and you guys were like, Well, come on. So then I was like, Okay, well, now the opposite. Like, I have to stop saying I'm gonna quit. And at that moment, Robert is when I stopped doubting it and decided to go all in. So thank you so much. Just ran randomly ran into you and got to catch up.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, we didn't run in randomly, right?
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_02:But I remember that day. Yeah, we were over here pouring, and I remember that. That's awesome. Yeah, it really is. I think I remember seeing that on uh Anthony's when he was on.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you're welcome. And it's funny, when we're in a moment of breakthrough, it seems like the enemy tries to cause us to quit.
SPEAKER_00:That's so true. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and the enemy being the devil through our ego, our voice in our head telling us we're not good enough.
SPEAKER_02:It's always, if you ever noticed that, like I have a friend that's um all his life he was told that he was dumb, that he would never amount to anything. And when he was doing a spiritual gift test, they do all sorts of different ones, you know, and um paper online. Anyways, I had told him, I'm like, bro, I'm like, pray earnestly, say, God, I want to know my spiritual gifts. God is faithful, he will reveal them to you. And when he did his test and it was revealed, he's supposed to be a pastor. And I was like, bro, I'm like, that makes perfect sense. All your life the enemy has been telling you that you're worthless, you're nothing, you will amount to anything. And here God is telling you you're supposed to be a pastor. And uh it was uh sobering for him too. He just kind of like opened his eyes, like, bro, you're right. You know, and it was it's really amazing to see things 2020 hindsight, you know, how certain things played out.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, if somebody's meant to be a pastor, the devil's gonna come at them that much harder.
SPEAKER_02:Pray for your pastors, they have some of the hardest jobs. When we work at an everyday ordinary job, we sometimes complain when a person might, you know, come and tell us about their bad news, like almost like people like, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it. This is like their job almost 24-7, is hearing people's problems. Yeah, their their traumas, you know. So pastors are some of the ones who get opened up the most to. And yes, you know, a lot of denominations have gotten bad apples, you know, Christianity has gotten a lot of uh um backlash over what I would consider bad apples in the faith. You know, it it it happens, you know, we are sinners and there are people who commit crimes against children, and it's it's sad, but the entirety of it isn't like that. And it's something I'll defend the day I die. I get that there are bad people out there and they make bad decisions. A person can be a follower and still make bad decisions. Like me, for instance, it was um July 4th, 2024. I was staying sober for the longest time from alcohol, everything, and I decided to celebrate on July 4th and have a few drinks. This is back in 2024. Um, to make it things short, there was a disagreement, cops got called. Um, seemed like I was the scapegoat, it seemed like. Um beyond all that, um, I had a sit and fight stuff in court, and eventually just I wanted it done, so I took a plea deal for disorderly conduct, and I'm gonna be on probation for a year for disorderly conduct. And it just goes to show it doesn't matter how long you've been in the faith, if you make a wrong decision in one day, it can change everything. And that is sobered me up even more to realize like I can't even socialize anymore, and that's okay. I was foolish enough to think that I could. I'm a type of person that's always gonna be trying to try to be transparent because we always complain and talk about you know, we want people that are real in our lives, and I've figured out that is the most best way to be real with a person is to be transparent, no matter how shameful or hurtful it looks, to always be transparent. And I hope my friends can uh appreciate that. I try because I go through trials and tribulations on my own, and what I try to do is I learn from my mistakes and I try to pass them down, especially with people and friends who choose to come over to faith, and I get the honor of discipling them, like Anthony, for instance. When he came to our job, he was going through his own issues to his story. I uh highly recommend you watch Best Podcast to hear Anthony Adams' story, and um me being me, I like to let my light shine wherever I am. I'm not ashamed of the gospel or Jesus, and um we would just have these small conversations here and there throughout the day, and then the more and more he realized um my faith, he would ask questions here and there, and um I would do the best of my ability to answer them biblically based out of the Bible, and he just kept showing more and more interest. I've had the direct pleasure of watching a man go from the bottom and watch him rise up and become a follower, watch his baptism, and it is truly a blessing from God because when you think about God, each and every single one of us is so special to God that God's like, I want you to help this person. And when you when you really stand back and see the bigger picture of how a person gets introduced in your life, even though it's God who's using me, I get no credit. I'll never take credit for anything. Obviously, unless I mean you mean what I know.
SPEAKER_00:Well, but you can take credit for opening yourself up to being a vessel for God.
SPEAKER_02:So, I mean, obviously, if I'm at work and I did a good job, I'm gonna take credit. If I do a bad job, I'm gonna take credit and responsibility for it. So, but what I'm meaning of being used by God, I always give God the glory because it is Him that is using me and being used by Him to be a part of just part of Anthony's life. I'm no greater than him, I'm just as much of a wretched sinner as anybody else. I still make mistakes, I'm grown each and every day. And to be a part of Anthony's journey like that in the beginning, it was it's beautiful. It is it fulfilling or fully feels like I'm fulfilling my purpose here on earth. And my purpose here on earth is scriptures, uh Matthew 4 19. Jesus said, Follow me and I will make you an official men. And I took that to heart and I was made sure to memorize certain scripture because no matter what, it's written on my heart. Once you have it memorized and you try to live your life by it, it becomes an experience like no other. Like, like if for instance, like I said, Anthony and I have a good friend of mine um previous before that, Tommy Robinson. Um, same thing. I had separated myself from the world. I had deleted people off Facebook when I first got sober from meth, and I deleted people out of my contacts. Anything and everything that a person wasn't on the same path as me, I was not gonna interfere with them anymore. And I was working this job, and I happened to be working with Tommy Romans, the one who got cut from the friends list, and same thing. We started talking about God, and he started probing more questions. He had created, and not to talk bad about you, Tommy, or anything, or he he knows it now, but at the time he had created his own form of Jesus, like he was wrapping different religions up into what he thought was Jesus, and he was telling me about all these different things. I was like, bro, that's that's not Jesus, that's not Jesus of the Bible. And I was like, if you want to know Jesus of the Bible, I'm like, come to my house, we'll start having Bible studies, and I'll I will show you. And um, sure enough, God is faithful, and he started coming over regularly, would have dinner. And I'm gonna tell you what, breaking bread and having dinner with people is some of the best ways to connect with people. And I love that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, you said you had to cut off your social life, but if you're adding in moments and dinners like that, that's way better.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And uh, so he he started reading, he started coming almost every day, and he gave his life to Jesus. Now I have two incredible best friends I could ever ask for. I had sacrificed so many what I would call so-called friends, and now I have two genuine, I have other friends out there, so if I'm leaving anybody out, don't feel butthurt. Um but there are two people I believe God is putting on my care, too, and I'm no better than them. Um I make mistakes, but I believe God put them on my path for a certain reason, and I don't want to fail God. So, nor do I want to f fail anybody, but I do. As a human being, I fail my friends, I fail my wife, my boss. But it's in those failures where we learn. I don't if I I like uh lyrics from a a Christian rapper I listen to a lot now, and um, he's like, if I ever take a L, it's not a loss, it's a lesson. And so every every loss is a lesson, every mistake.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I feel like you said you were sober for a while and then you made that one bad decision. I feel like God like shut that bad decision down instantly because he was like, I need you. We're gonna we're gonna take care of this right now, so that you learn once and for all the stop making that bad of decisions in place. Yeah. And I want to say quick about back to the pastor. I'd never thought about that, but yeah, really pay praying for pastors because they get tested the most. Like you said, they get all the bad news from people, and everybody expects so much of them. Like they are on such a pedestal, but they are still human. So yeah, thank you for pointing that out. That's really really wise.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So, how long had you been sober before that bad decision in the Fourth of July?
SPEAKER_02:See, the last time I ever used it really does my memory on this one. Math's been a long time.
SPEAKER_00:Um alcohol we're talking about?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, alcohol, it was probably a couple years prior to that. Um and then usually when I would, it would be um having a beer with the guys after work or something. Um yeah, stuff like that. Like I honestly after a while I stopped trying to keep track of time. Um, because I found out like because my roller coaster my life's been a roller coaster up and down with sobriety. Um I've had I've had points in my life where I was completely straight and narrow, not even tobacco. Um I was volunteering for prison ministries, going to church regularly, and um I think I think that after that that was when I stopped keeping track because we had uh we had an incident within our family that um shook my faith for a while because I was thinking of myself. Well, like I said, I'll just be transparent. My um and it's not to try to make my wife look bad. My wife was um talking with another man at the time, and um I'm not perfect either. I've done stuff I'm not proud of. Um, anyways, I was straight and arrow, and this incident happened, and I remember just it crushing me for a while. Like PTSD of it, I guess. I don't know. I was I was staying straight, so I for a while there I got mad at God in a way. Even though, even though it's g it's not God's fault, but I was still mad at him. For a while there, I I kinda lost my faith.
SPEAKER_00:Like I'm doing everything right, right, and this horrible thing still had to happen.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And I started just questioning everything. I actually um s separated myself from uh God and the church for f quite a few years. And um my friend Tommy, he was the f you know, before this is actually before I even met my uh Anthony, and um he had seen he had seen there. He watched me being up on top on fire for God and Jesus helping being used by him to bring him to the faith. Then he watched me fall, and it hurt him for years too, because he knew how much I loved God. Looking back, I can tell you it was this is how it went. I was spiritually grown, saying yes to the church all the time, keeping myself busy, um doing anything and everything to try to serve God. And my wife was being left with the children all the time, or were at church. She was going off to the nursery while I was still sitting in the sanctuary, getting the message. I was spiritually grown while my wife wasn't. And Satan is gonna use the weakest member of your family to get to, and I believe that's what he did. And so now I've vowed that the most important people to disciple is my wife and children. I'm never gonna let that mistake happen again. Um not the perfect husband nor the perfect father. I'm pretty great. Like I'm I'm told I'm great, but you know, when you self-evaluate, you're always, I could be better, I could do this, I can do that. So now my main focus more than anything is disciple my wife and my children and make sure that they're right there with me. So nobody gets left behind, and um then the others come first.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I mean that makes sense to work on the people that you're closest to.
SPEAKER_02:I wish I would have realized this sooner because maybe I could have sp spared myself, but instead of questioning why, again, took it as a lesson and not a loss. And uh it's helped me grow. Some of the most growth we do is in those spiritual tribulations, some storms. Um, one of the things I noticed people do a lot is only turn to God when they're going through some drama or trouble and they use God as a crutch. Um I don't understand it. Here I'm catching myself quoting exact lyrics to a song, actually. And um, but yeah, I don't understand it. I'm gonna I'm gonna praise them at a funeral, I'm gonna praise him when I get a job promotion, I'm gonna praise him whenever and wherever.
SPEAKER_00:When I need something.
SPEAKER_02:Yep. We call those f uh foxhole prayers. People when they get themselves in a deep hole. They turn they'll they could be an atheist, but yet they'll still turn to God in their darkest times.
SPEAKER_00:How do you get closer to God when you are feeling yourself distant?
SPEAKER_02:It's a good question because it was this past year. I have uh clinical depression. So I remember when I first got converted, every it almost seems like yearly, almost even around the same time as a year, but my depression would set in and I would either stop attending church or um just everyday regular activities. I would still be going through the motions, but I'd be having certain dark thoughts, etc. And doctors would always say it's a chemical imbalance. Um it's either hereditary, they they got what they have a lot of their science about. And so I always thought I had to just live with this. I always thought I had to live with depression, and um it's only until recently I was going through a bad dis uh depression here a few months back, and a lot of it had to do with um deal with court and just everyday life, and um I was downing hard on myself, but it got to the point where I was listening to I was back to listening secular music at work, and I was listening to these depressive songs. I mean, because the lyrics hit that they were just exactly what I was feeling, and um to flash forward a little bit, but then you're like repeating those feelings instead of being up left ad. And this is what I eventually had realized. Um I was like, I told the spirit of depression to leave me in the name of Jesus, and I I remember not just that instant, but the next day I started feeling better, and um I came up to Anthony. I think we were working that day, and um he had gotten a phone call, and I thought it was our pastor, so I was like, was that Pastor So-and-so? And he's like, Oh no, it was Tommy. Um he was supposed to go meet up with them to go to something to do with church, and um, I was feeling a lot better, and I was just like, you know what, I'm gonna dive right back into it. I pictured like a pile of coals, right? You take a pile of coals away after they've been on fire, that fire goes out, but if you push it back, it goes right back up. I was pushed away, I pushed myself back. So I felt good. I'm like, hey, I'll come with you. And on the way there, here to come to find out the seminar was about depression, PTSD, and anxiety. And um I I was thinking about something, I'm like, Lord, I'm like, you never had to cease to amaze me because I was struggling with it there for months, like worse than I would like to admit than other times. And I again I was like, I'm a follower of Christ. I'm like, how am I feeling this? So we started doing this seminar, and um, and I don't know if I ever thought of this. I would rely on God to heal, and I could trust Him to heal another person from afar, or if I laid hands on Him, but yet I cannot come to the facts of realizing that He could heal my depression, rewire my brain, my thinking. But yet I was listening to men who were doctors saying that this was for life, you just have to deal with the symptoms, and then realizing the music I was listening to, like I was saying, I was creating a depressing environment that was just a repeated cycle. And when I was getting depressed, instead of putting on a depression song, why wasn't I put on those praise songs to uplift myself? When I was angry, why wouldn't I put on another praise song to calm me down?
SPEAKER_00:And it's almost like you were doing opposite of what you're saying, how some people only turn towards God when they're depressed, but maybe because you were like, I don't want to be like that, or you were almost like judging them, that then you, when you were depressed and needed to turn to God, were you thinking in your head, like, well, I only I should only show God give God my time when I'm happy and feeling good? Is it something is something connected there?
SPEAKER_02:So I like I was praying every day, but I wasn't like fully accepting. I don't know if I was fully accepting or I thought I was just going through like cause it would happen about yearly, like little depression spells.
SPEAKER_00:What time of year?
SPEAKER_02:It's right around like almost at the end of summer to before the beginning of fall.
SPEAKER_00:Because you know winter's coming and winter is the worst.
SPEAKER_02:I started wondering that. I'm like, is it anything to do with the seasons? And I'm like, so yeah, like I what I was doing in reality again, I was I I could rely on God and I knew he could heal, do all sorts of healing, but yet I was like seemingly not asking him to heal myself or couldn't believe that he couldn't. I don't know why. Um, because again, I was relying on diagnosis from men, you know, saying that I had to just deal with these symptoms rather than, you know, if you're to tell a doctor, you know, your brain can be rewired, they they might disagree. Um, I truly believe your brain can be rewired. So honestly, it was a simple fix. I started listening to my praise music again. I'm like, you know what? I haven't been reading daily like I should have been. Maybe it's time to start reading again. I can quote a lot of scripture, and it's like, I don't know why I ever decided to think that you know not reading every day was gonna be beneficial for me. It was it started becoming longer, longer periods because I would always preach to people. I'm like, reading is meant for our daily bread, right? It's not like cake for special occasions. Here I caught myself doing it. I mean, I will I will counterdict myself sometimes, you know, at in my own walk. And it's it's it's tough because you can easily tell a person, you know, hey, do this. And when it's time for you to do it, it's like, oh man, you you drag your feet, and yeah, I'm stubborn.
SPEAKER_00:Well, nature and the universe is full of contradictions, it's just how it is.
SPEAKER_02:I have trouble asking for help.
SPEAKER_00:Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02:I bet my good friend Brody at work, he can attest to that. He'd be like, Birdo, do you need help over here? Scrubbing, and I am stubborn. I got it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Then all of a sudden him realizing that I don't got it, and I won't ask for help. But I'm working on it.
SPEAKER_00:Good. So um you had posted on Facebook that God isn't just in churches. Where else do you find God?
SPEAKER_02:Everywhere in his creation. One of my favorite things to do in most men is to hunt. Being alone up in a tree stand where especially when you crawl up in there to pitch black and you're sitting here waiting, the light slowly starts creeping through. You start to hear the forest wake up slowly by slowly, the squirrels. And I've found peace in the silence lately. Like a lot of things I've found myself enjoying more is silence. Um I have a good friend and co-worker at work, you know, Jace. He'll he'll always be like, What's the matter, Bird? I'm like, nothing, dude. I'm like, just being quiet today. Sometimes there's stuff matter and sometimes there isn't. Just sometimes I find and I know for myself, I have a wicked tongue. Um, the book of James, he he talks about that all the time, about tongue being such a powerful member. What moves a horse, that tiny little bridle in his mouth, what steers a giant ship, that tiny little rudder. Our tongues have so much power in either life or death, we can either tear a person down or we can edify them and build them up. And so lately, I think past year or so, it's I've been kind of just keeping my head down, honestly, and staying silent. Cause don't get me wrong, I'll still I'll still be listening to conversations at work and I'll blurt out something sometimes I'm shameful and I blurt out perverse things or you know wicked things, and I try not to, but it's just it's a battle, it's an everyday struggle, and um so a lot of times I find peace in the silence. So in the deer stand, when you're out there, I'm communicating with God through his creation. Um, all you see is sometimes does you get frozen toes, but I'm 20 feet closer to God. You know, I like that saying I'd heard um other places I find God is in that bedroom where your face is soaked with tears. Could be a mother, it could be my own self feeling utterly alone and it's I c I can't even begin to describe his presence. Like some people say they got goosebumps, some people say they get a warm feeling. Everybody's experience and exposure to God is different. And all I can say is to seek him out and you'll find him, because his word says knock and it shall be open, seek and you shall find, ask, and you shall receive. If you truly want to find God, you're going to find him. So even if it's in a deer stand, if it's somebody's going through depression and they're crying in their bedroom, God will be there. It depends on if a person is looking or not, is if you'll find them. So if you want to find God, just gotta seek him out.
SPEAKER_00:So your depression is pretty much subdued?
SPEAKER_02:I don't want to say subdued because that would I could say that alcoholism is subdued. I could say that meth is or any anything is subdued. But the real reality of it is the whole AA program is based off the Bible. So when I had learned that I years ago I stopped going to A, and I'm just what keeps me sober is God. And Christ calls us to pick up our cross daily and deny ourselves. We're not to look at fleshly desires but keep our eyes fixed on things that are spiritual, things that are of his kingdom. And that is difficult because it doesn't matter what it is, everybody has something that they wrestle with. Um one of my things is chocolate. Chocolate chocolate. I remember that chocolate. Um yeah, food. Food is a big one for me growing up. Um so everybody has something that they're wrestling with, and each and every day we have to pick up our cross and deny ourselves. So that's why I another reason I stopped counting days because I could have 20 years, have a bad day and decide to pick up a drink, and then then you're really wallowing that you wasted 20 years. I put it like I try not to excuse sin as being okay. If I trip and fall, I could either lay on the ground, have a pity trip, and lay there and continue to lay there and continue to pity trip. Oh, I fell, I fell, I fell. Or do I get back up and start walking again? Because it's the next day is a new day. The next day is a new day, every day is a new day because every day you could die. I could follow Christ all my life. Tomorrow wake up like, you know what, I'm gonna I'm gonna serve the other side and then die. You know, then then lies the question, where do you go? So every day I try to deny myself. Uh again, I'll be transparent. I I still chew tobacco pouches. One of the things I'm working on. Um so with the the subduing with the depression, is it? I I want to say I'm in a good portion where I'm not depressed right now. Um I do I do still use um uh medical marijuana, um uh medical card carrier, or however you want to put it. Um and that was only recent because I was going to uh do it sooner, but then they passed it recreational. So I'm like, what's the point of um even wasting all that money? And now that I'm on probation, I'm like, I was open and honest with her. I was like, I do for these reasons, insomnia, you know, PTSD, depression, and so with all that, I know I need to work towards separating from that and rely solely on Christ because for what I preach, he can heal anything. So I shouldn't need that to function.
SPEAKER_00:Well, it sounds like discipline is the answer.
SPEAKER_02:Right. So again, you'll people in treatment they call it rationalization. So part of my head's probably saying it's better than alcohol, it's better than this. It's something I know I need to work on.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, if you want to.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_00:What's been the hardest thing to quiet like math, alcohol?
SPEAKER_02:Uh nicotine. See a lot of people go to those big the big names. Actually, it's sugar. Sugar.
SPEAKER_00:The legal things.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Isn't it funny how the legal things are another thing I saw that you put on Facebook was when the Bible says do not lean on your own understanding, the Bible is being serious. Your heart is deceitful, your emotions fluctuate, your understanding does not see the overall big picture. God never lies, God never changes, God knows all. Trust him. And I think that goes into what we're saying is we can't believe that other voice in our head, the the ego, the one that is trying to stay comfortable.
SPEAKER_02:Correct. Do you ever notice? You might sound like a crazy person. Like, I remember I've taken psyche vows in the past, and they were like, Do you hear voices in your head? Me being a a smart aleck. I'm like, Of course I do. And they're like, No, no, audible ones, but I'm like, Yeah. And they had to dig deep and they knew, like, I'm analytical, I overanalyze things sometimes, and it's like I was being honest because in your mind, it's funny how you could say you could read something and you can hear it in your mind, and then when you get a conscience, like, are these your own thoughts or are there other things being put in your head that you have to distinguish from? And I truly believe there's just two opposite sides, kind of like them old cartoons where you have an angel on one side and a devil on the other, and they're both whispering in your ears. And I truly believe that. I truly believe that every day, every decision we make, we have to choose a side. And it seems weird. It seems like all me picking up this coffee is I don't think it's that minimal, but but yeah, if I choose to read the Bible, or do I choose to go on my phone? This is another, another tough one to break habits. This is an idol in a way.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, they own us.
SPEAKER_02:They truly do. They it's really funny how these phones got us all down like this all the time. My daughter took a picture of us one day and she was like, as she's on social media, and she was like, family time, she caught us all on our phones, like every single one of us. And it was it was actually eye-opening. It's like, I think we have a problem here. And I know I ain't told him, I mean, phones are they are um a big distraction, but they can be useful.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, everything in moderation.
SPEAKER_02:So I'm sorry, I didn't go back to so with the heart, the heart being deceitful. Was that what you were asking about? Okay. Um yeah, I believe our hearts are deceitful. Um, you hear some people say, just follow your heart. When I hear that, I'm like, nah, the heart's deceitful. God's word says it is. And I think sometimes we make bad decisions based off of our emotions. Like you heard us saying, never make a decision when you're angry. That's a that's probably a huge one.
SPEAKER_00:My dad has said that my whole life never make a decision when you're high or low.
SPEAKER_02:Right. It's good advice. So, yeah, I like to I like to post a lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_00:Stuff that resonates. Um, what have you replaced your addictions with It Sounds Like God? And you said you go to the gym like five days a week.
SPEAKER_02:Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Anything else?
SPEAKER_02:Fortnite. I'm a nerd. I used to be so against that video game, and um had a friend introduce me to it, and I fell in love with it because it's uh it reminds me of a movie that they made called Ready Player One. And um basically in that movie, it was any in all pop culture, you could be Chucky, you could be anything from movies, anything from video games, they created a game where you could be anybody or any anyone or anybody. And um, so Fortnite kind of reminds me of that. And one of the I think the biggest things, you know, it's like in the game when you're playing, when you eliminate somebody, you can dance on them and they're forced to watch. So I think I'm a little toxic when it comes to that. So I like I'll make the boys watch, you know. So yeah, video game is one I um I substitute a lot with. I I do my own like little contents. I mean, no professional, I ain't trying to get um famous. I I do it because I catch I capture funny or cool stuff, and um my username is Pony Boy from the the book The Outsiders. You you remember that book? You haven't read that book? Well, when his good friend, best friend Johnny is dying in hospital, Johnny tells him, Stay golden, pony boy.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And he's basically he's basically touching on the things like we remember the most of childhood or the things that brought us the most pure joy or happiness in life. He was he's basically telling his friends, he's like, Stay golden. He's like, hang on to those things in your life. And so growing up, I guess I was a gamer kid, and uh one of my favorite things to do is just to hang out with my friends online, play. We sit and just talk about life, we'll talk about our problems. Um, yeah, it's not sitting at a coffee shop, you know, face to face, but uh we all seem to truly enjoy. I don't like honestly playing alone unless I have a friend to play with, and um, that's what keeps me golden is just sitting playing and making memories with friends. Um Hunting has been a huge one. Uh I never had a dad excuse me, a dad growing up and I had to learn everything there is to be a man on my own. And hunting was one of those things I had to learn on my own. Um not not of course, or I've had a lot of advice over the years through, you know, my boss Corey, my foreman Matt, my other foreman Brody, you know, some of the guys at work who, you know, to me, they're professional hunters. So I would soak up that knowledge. Anything coming from them, I would take it to heart. It would make sense. You know, Corey, you know, when we're driving around job sites, I'll ask him questions, you know, you know, we're the same age, but yet, you know, I'll be like clinging on to certain male role models growing up to learn things was I think it was like a coping mechanism for growing up without a dad. And so now me being a dad, I took that really to heart because I get to teach my kids hunting, I get to teach my kids fishing. Um, one of the little ministry things I try and get up going to myself, and again, I don't I don't care if it's gets famous or big, it's something my kids can look back on. Um, I got a little fishing page, it's called Fishing with Dads, and we'll try to post up scripture about a certain event that might have happened that day. Or um basically it's you know the the role of a father is so so important. I'm not and I'm not putting down that role of mother isn't, but a father's role is crucial just as much as a mother's role. We're two two wired individuals that bring both bring something to the table with raising a child. Um, a father can do what a mother can, and a mother can do what a father can't. And so as a father, my job is to raise my children the best I can, to be good members of society, to be followers of Christ one day. And I use fishing as a a tool for that, not only to teach them the sport of fishing, but there's so many times or so many things in fishing that are teachable moments. Patience is the biggest. Sitting there waiting for that bobber to come down. The kids, my kids love pan fishing, all kids do, because there's action, immediate action compared to I love bottom fishing a lot because I like fishing for catfish, and that's patience. You just sit and wait for that line to start dinging. Um, we had an incident where um a friend of mine from work, he brought his daughter, brought ours. This is before opener, and um Deanard came down, checked our license, and um I caught a big walleye, like a 30-inch walleye, and um told the kids we gotta do the right thing. You know, it was a teachable moment. It's like, hey, we're literally a day away from opener, but we cannot keep this. So we released it back, and then I watched it belly up. I'm like, oh man, I'm like, that fish is dead, you know, and what a waste, but yet you can't keep it. There was a guy in a makeshift ra I don't even know what to begin to call this thing, but it was a makeshift raft, paddle boat, whatever you want to call it. He came and swooped it up, put it in his net, and little did he know the DNR was up top, and he goes by the landing dock, and we're all watching. D and R catches him, gives him a ticket for the the fish that he swooped up that I had caught but released back, and his no life vests, and wearing having a makeshift boat or whatever it was, and it was a it was a good opportunity to teach our daughters at a time, like doing what's right in the eyes of the Lord, even when nobody's watching, is what you're supposed to do. I'm like, can you imagine if we would have kept that fish, then I'd be sitting with a however many dollar fine, you know, or I could have lost my license. So it was a good teachable moment.
SPEAKER_00:Very good. Kids aside, what have you learned is the most important thing about being a man?
SPEAKER_02:It was the most just showing up.
SPEAKER_00:Showing up.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And anything you do, if your father just show up, if your husband just show up for your wife, if you have a job, just show up on time. You know. That was a little personal, if you couldn't tell.
SPEAKER_00:That's good.
SPEAKER_02:But it's uh Yeah, I believe that's the biggest thing as a man can do is just put in effort. Don't ever just not do anything. I think no effort is worse than at least if you try and put in a little effort.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, be in motion.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So I think that's the best advice I can ever give to being a man is just show up for anything.
SPEAKER_00:Uh well, Sadie was on a few weeks ago from Recovering Hope.
SPEAKER_02:And oh, Sadie, yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And she said that you were working over at Recovering Hope.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yep.
SPEAKER_00:And that you got voted sexiest member, crew member by the clients.
SPEAKER_02:Not yes.
SPEAKER_00:Did you know that?
SPEAKER_02:I did. Um, I actually found out uh next to my wife. We were at the fair, and um I had seen her, I introduced her and everything, and uh she had told that story, and I just looked at my wife and I was like, Aren't you the luckiest gal?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's that's a confident booster, you know. At the time I had heard that, and uh yeah, that was cool.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. Well, now we can find out how everybody else in your life sees you too, because I asked you to pick some people that I could reach out to, and I asked those people to describe you in six to seven words, and then I put the words into different themes and categories. So your first word is protector, because two people said you're hardworking, two people said strong, three said family man and courageous, resilient, dependable, reliable, responsible, professional, dedicated, assertive, and loyal. And the second word theme is caring, because four of the people said the word caring to describe you and selfless, friendly. A couple people said loving and encouraging. The third word is intelligent, because four of your words were smart and intelligent. One person said you're too intelligent for your own good. They're probably right, and clever. And then your fourth word is soulful. Two people said spiritual, two said religious, uplifting, authentic, open-hearted, and artistic. And not just artistic with your drawings, but with your scenarios in life. And then the fifth way people see you is funny. Everybody thinks you're funny, hilarious, humorous, comical. So then, with all those words, I wrote a synopsis. You're the one who can protect the people and the moment. You don't just care, you soften, you don't just think, you illuminate, you remind everyone, life isn't meant to be carried alone. Is that all same like stuff that you can picture yourself as?
SPEAKER_02:Yes or no.
SPEAKER_00:What word is the hardest?
SPEAKER_02:Loyal. Sometimes I feel I fail people quite a bit.
SPEAKER_00:Well, they obviously don't say it that way.
SPEAKER_02:Right. I'm I've like I always grew up having a hard time receiving words of affirmation. But I mean, that's that's amazing. Praise God. People think and see me like that. And um but I I only say loyal just because, you know, it's sometimes I feel like I'm not loyal. Even though I I know I am. I'm one of the most loyal friends you can have. And um, I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I just feel unloyal.
SPEAKER_00:I get that. I don't think I would be described as a big thing.
SPEAKER_02:But I'm my own biggest self-critic though, too. You know, I mean, as we all are. Like I get hard. I make a mistake at work, like I get on myself hard. Because, you know, it's uh Corey's a great man. He he's been one of the best bosses I've actually had. I've had a lot of bosses. I mean, they they all brought something to the table, but you know, Corey and Steph are they've treated me and my family really well. And so I wanted to give a shout out to Corey. But uh, no, it's it's not just because the way they treat, like his business is um a great place to work for. They're professional, they uh you know, they listen to you if there's a problem, they are immediate to want to fix it. He's always giving us new cool toys because he wants that job done quick, fast, and efficient. So the best thing I can do for him, obviously show up.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but get him more business. Everybody's gonna need some concrete sometimes. Yeah. Sunderman concrete, everyone. Oh yeah. Show him the hat.
SPEAKER_02:Oh yeah. Yeah. Like I said, it's uh with the name thing, I don't I don't care if people remember me, but I have no problem endorsing other people's names. You know, anytime we're here working, I always come bug you. I'm like, you got a shirt for me, babe? I'm like, I'll rep because I rep them in the game.
SPEAKER_00:I love to give them, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, definitely. You know, so it's I have no problem representing other people's names, you know. Obviously, I'm my number one to represent is Jesus, but yeah, it's I I'm always asking for gear because I love promoting what I love doing. And uh as long as my body holds out, I see myself doing it for a very long time.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I think it's very clear that Jesus is shining through you to everybody around you.
SPEAKER_02:Good.
SPEAKER_00:By the way that they described you, and everybody really didn't understand the mission. They just like gave me paragraphs and paragraphs about you, and I'm like, I just need seven words, but like, yeah, I I think I know you pretty well at this point because everybody wanted to tell me so much about you and the good in you.
SPEAKER_02:Awesome. Yeah, sometimes you don't feel like you're making a difference in the world, and sometimes God is like doing just fine, buddy. But yeah, yeah, thanks for having me. Yeah, I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00:Um, so the last questions I like to ask are what are you doing right now that you hope your grandkids do when they're your age?
SPEAKER_02:Following Jesus. Because again, you cannot take anything with you beyond the grave. The only thing that is able that you can take with you to heaven is your family, your loved ones. But the only thing you know, if I received a message and I withheld it, their blood would be on my hands. So I'm never gonna withhold a message. I'm always gonna tell per people, that's why I'm not ashamed of the gospel. I'm not ashamed to tell people about Jesus because I want to love like him, and I'm trying my hardest each and every day because it is tough to love people in this dark world. Um, but I know that if they accept him, then they're gonna come be with paradise with me, and that's all I ever want for anybody, is just because I know how much your life can change.
SPEAKER_00:I think they can be in paradise with you here.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Right.
SPEAKER_00:What do you do that you hope your grandkids don't do when they're your age? Nicotine? I figured you'd jump in.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I mean I was trying to find a good one.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But but yeah, just not make the mistakes I did, I guess.
SPEAKER_00:Maybe self-doubt.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That's probably one they'll believe that they're loyal.
SPEAKER_02:Right. But yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Anything else that we didn't cover that you were thinking you wanted to talk about?
SPEAKER_02:Uh no. I was just kind of winging her and see where the Holy Spirit took us.
SPEAKER_00:But yeah, I told Veda I didn't have a super strict outline because I figured we would just chat. We already had a couple topics and it's really great. I hope that you come back on again.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I hope uh I hope I'm a better version of myself farther down the road. That's always the goal. Again, there goes that. Cause I'm always wanting continue to improve and better myself. And where I was at 10 years ago, you weren't even allowed on your property.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and it's important to uh notice how far you've come too, because sometimes I'll be like so down on myself, and then I'm like, wait, six months ago, a year ago, like I was doing this, this, and this. So it's important to be realistic about how far you have came. Yeah. Awesome. All right, thanks so much.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you're welcome. Thanks for having me.