Supernaut
Supernaut is a podcast about spirituality, sobriety, and the spectrum of self. Hosted by Beth Kelling, this show explores what it means to seek clarity, connection, and personal truth in a world that rarely slows down.
Since beginning her sobriety journey in 2020, Beth has been diving deeper into spiritual practices, emotional honesty, and all the beautiful, messy layers of identity.
Each episode opens the door to conversations about healing, growth, creativity, intuition, and everything in between — because who we are isn’t fixed, it’s a spectrum.
Beth will be joined by guests who share their own stories, perspectives, and spiritual paths — offering insight, inspiration, and the occasional cosmic detour.
Whether you’re sober-curious, spiritually inclined, or just looking to feel a little more human, you’re in the right place
Supernaut
Soul Searching Through Self Control with Leah
What happens when we finally shed the "fun drunk" persona that's been masking our authentic selves? Leah's remarkable journey from social drinker to embracing an alcohol-free life reveals the profound transformation that can occur when we stop numbing ourselves.
After a startling wake-up call involving her daughter, Leah made the life-changing decision to quit drinking without putting a timeline on it. What began as a personal boundary-setting exercise evolved into a journey of self-discovery spanning over a year and a half. With refreshing honesty, she reveals the initial challenges of navigating social situations without liquid courage, and how facing these moments head-on ultimately led to greater confidence and authentic connection.
The creative renaissance that followed her decision to stop drinking is nothing short of inspiring. From brewing kombucha and propagating succulents to tackling long-postponed landscaping projects, Leah discovered wells of energy and creativity she never knew existed beneath the surface of her alcohol habit. Most importantly, her relationship with her daughters transformed as she became fully present, reliable, and emotionally available - especially during the profound experience of losing her father.
The spiritual dimension of Leah's journey emerges through a remarkable story involving otters appearing at a meaningful location after her father's passing, providing comfort and confirmation that connections transcend physical existence. Her exploration of Buddhist teachings reveals a woman finding her authentic spiritual path rather than following prescribed religious routes.
Whether you're sober-curious, already on an alcohol-free journey, or simply fascinated by stories of personal transformation, this conversation offers a candid look at how removing alcohol can unlock your potential, deepen relationships, and help you fall in love with yourself. Ready to discover what might be waiting for you beyond the wine glass?
0:00 Introduction to Supernaught
6:05 Creative Ventures and Landscaping
14:37 The Kombucha Journey
19:48 Sobriety Decision and Social Challenges
35:09 Family Relationships and Parenting Sober
42:56 Father's Illness and Final Days
51:23 The Otter Story and Spiritual Signs
55:05 Spirituality and Self-Discovery
59:57 Advice and Personal Reflections
This is Supernaught. My name is Beth Kelling and I'm going to talk about spirituality, sobriety and the spectrum of self. I've loved talking about spirituality for as long as I can remember and I've been on a sobriety journey since 2020. The more I talk about sobriety, the stronger I become. The more I explore spirituality, the more fulfilled I feel. This is a space for stories and for the moments where struggle meets transformation. This is Superna. Hi Leah Hi. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. What song did you pick for us to listen to before we started Live?
Speaker 2:and Die by the Avett Brothers. I picked it because, well, I've known it for a long time and I've always listened to it a very different way. And then, once I kind of started my alcohol-free journey, I looked at it a totally different way, like sober self to drunk self, or the person that likes to drink, likes to overindulge, and I just kind of felt like they're having a conversation in the song and like, come on, we can do this, we can get out of this. So, yeah, I thought it would be kind of appropriate.
Speaker 1:I had never heard it before, but it was so beautiful. I listened to it earlier today too, and you know such cool music. You have to send me more, or I'll start asking you more often to send well it's.
Speaker 2:It's cool how music like can hit you different in different chapters in your life.
Speaker 1:You know so yeah, but where do you find all the like bluegrass music? You and the tribe, like all, are into such good music.
Speaker 2:I'm still stuck in like the 90s yeah.
Speaker 2:I like playlists and then you like hear someone on a playlist or like soundtrack, love soundtracks, because you get so many different new bands you've never heard of. And then I live in a band for so long. Right now I'm listening to Matthew Mason because I saw him open up for Zach Bryan. I'm like who is this? And I'm just like obsessed with him. So I don't know, I just get kind of obsessive and then I kind of go off of their, their radio stations on like playlists and stuff, and then I find more I don't know and the girls and Matt and Adam sends me a song every morning. Two and a half years we've been together and I get a new song for him from him every single morning.
Speaker 1:So how does he?
Speaker 2:find him. He, he has a leah like list, so he always commutes to work and he'll be like, oh, she'll like this, and so then he saves it in his little leah box and then he sends them to me. It's so cute Actually the one he sent me this morning.
Speaker 2:I almost sent to you and I was like I feel like I need to find something that's a little bit more from like me, you know, but it was really good. I'll send you that one because it has a really good song through, like get you through like a tough day or tough times, yeah, perfect.
Speaker 1:And since I was so sleepy and whiny last night, he sent it to me this morning.
Speaker 2:Perfect. What's your all time favorite band? Probably Wilco. Probably, Again, just a big chapter of my life where I so I don't listen to them as much anymore. I feel like that was like a really big band that I listened to with my ex-husband and so I kind of feel like it's kind of something we did together in our chapter. So it feels a little weird listening to Wilco now. Ava Brothers I discovered on my own and I got into on my own and I just am obsessed with them on my own and bring everyone into the obsession of Ava Brothers yeah, it's not emotionally attached to anybody else.
Speaker 1:It's like that's you.
Speaker 2:It feels like it was a self-discovery.
Speaker 1:I hate how guys or people can ruin songs or bands for you.
Speaker 2:I would never call Woco like ruined. It's just so many shows we went to together. And I just feel like Adam even asked me do you want to go? We should go to Woco. He saw my concert tickets. He's like you've gone to Woco a lot and I'm like, yeah, and he's like we should go to a Woco show. And I just feel like I don't know. I just want to do new stuff with him and not like have same things with him, like new our stuff, yeah, that's healthy, yeah.
Speaker 1:So nothing.
Speaker 2:I don't like to look at Woco as bad, but definitely a different chapter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've been thinking about you for the last week and um realized that you are the most creative friend that I have like in so many aspects, from your beauty salon to your crafts and your earrings and your style and music and landscaping right now. So you just dug up some raspberries and I got to take a couple bushes bushes I'm super excited. Yeah, um, what? What is inspired this big landscaping spring?
Speaker 2:Um, honesty, I hate mowing that area, yeah, so I'm all about simplifying. You're like?
Speaker 1:doing the hard work right now so that all summer is easier. Yes, yes, I wish I could get in that mind state.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I have a graduation next year and and I'm like, well, this would be fun if I could make this cool. I know it's kind of silly, it's like one day, but it would be fun to have. I've been thinking about doing this for two years and I'm like, no, I'm doing it, working on it all summer. It doesn't have to be done like this and we'll see.
Speaker 1:We'll see how it goes, but yeah, it felt really good to clear out the raspberries. That's been very overdone, overdue. Yeah well, good job. I just saw a snap from last year and I had way more plants outside and, um, I mean, I'm busy right now too, so I'm like trying not to give myself too hard of a time. But it's like, did you plant a lot last year? Like, yeah, just like raised bed, raised little things outside on my deck. And this year I'm like, no, not even close to anything. I have one um flower pot from a co-worker for Mother's Day, but, um, my, my inside is much more green than my outside.
Speaker 2:I just really got into succulents and like, honestly, like one year ago in just like December, I got like a cool succulent thing from a fundraiser and then I brought it. No, no, no, no, I brought it home a year ago and then I separated all the succulents. So that was cool, like a big step for me not killing a succulent and then this winter I propagated them. So now I'm growing all these baby succulents and they're so cute and it's like when they're growing I'm like girls go look at the succulents but it's just so fun. I've. I killed succulents like that. I, yeah, how do do you do that? They're like, yeah, kill lists, but I killed them.
Speaker 1:I finally had a plant that like I had for years, that a friend gave me, and like it was doing really good, and then my cat, my new kitty, peed in it. I was like why are you ruining the one thing, the? One thing I kept growing oh yeah, that's too bad, you couldn't bring it back no, no, um, because I don't think I noticed for a couple days and yeah that. Aaron yeah, and you made kombucha. You brought me some today. Yes, how did you get into making that just started?
Speaker 2:that a little bit ago Someone on Facebook was Jennifer Nielsen, was had scobies and she extra scobies. And she's like does anyone want these? I'll even give a lesson. And I'm like, yes, and Adam and I both drink a lot of kombucha. And I'm like do you want to do this with me? He was like hell, yeah, let's do this. So it has been so fun and it's so much easier. I was telling you this, it's so much easier to me. I was trying to get on that sourdough trend. It started turning into sourdough. I could not keep doing it. I'm like this is much better, like I can have a kombucha a day and like not gain 50 pounds, yeah, and you can be so creative with it.
Speaker 2:What I was so excited to learn is how you can put literally anything in it jelly, spices, peanut butter, bacon, yeah, yes, that's wild to me, yeah, so I'm only on my second round batch and my first one I did kind of spontaneously and I had um tumor.
Speaker 2:Well, it was a whole spice blend tea already brewed from the morning and I just had it left over in my teapot and I put that in like three of them and they were so good and I'm like you literally can just put anything in them and they taste so good. I was like I don't know if those are going to be good. I put chia seeds in one. I'm like that's kind of good. I was like I don't know if those are going to be good. I put chia seeds in one. I'm like that's kind of weird.
Speaker 1:I thought you were going to say Cheez-Its. That would be really weird, I don't know. Oh, it would get all mushy. All the chemicals. Yeah, also, if you have extra succulents, I think for the Harvest Moon Festival at the fairgrounds, we're gonna do another um plant sale or for sure by next spring, when we do a fundraiser for the fairgrounds. Um, if you have any extra jody, I should have a lot by then, all my little babies are gonna be big.
Speaker 1:And jody did the cutest thing and like named all of the plants like put a little um sticker in with the name of them. So it's like oh, I'm gonna go by louise or I'm gonna go by Denny, you know like cute little name. So yeah, and I mean just an idea for anybody doing a fundraiser plant sales, it went so okay, yeah, I should keep that in mind, for Maggie Layla's all done with her fundraisers now.
Speaker 2:But that is uh, that's good. But yes, um, I should have lots, especially because I'm just gonna keep propagating.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, yeah, good job getting your hands dirty and doing that, yes, it's so fun, it's like just not instant gratification, but doing it is like I don't know. But all this came from me seriously stopping drinking. Like I just had so much more energy and creativity in my mind. All the things I've wanted to do for so many years. I started doing them when I wasn't hungover on a Saturday, sunday. I actually was productive and like these are things I've been wanting to do forever and ever and never killed succulents, like I won't even make time to water the succulent you know, or overwater it when you do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, yeah, let's get into that. So you recently just went a year. I think it was back in September that you made it the year. Yeah, and have you drank since then? No, awesome, so it's a year and a half, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just was inspired by your year and I'm like, okay, I want to do this, but I don't want to put a date on it, I just whenever. So I'm never I'm not saying never, like I'm never going to have a drink, ever again.
Speaker 1:But um, I loved how you wrote that in your um Facebook post. You were like I'm not saying I'm never going to drink again. I'm not saying this, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I did this. I went a year, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a cool. Had you ever gone a year before A month when I was bartending? One time I went a month and everybody put a sign up. That was like Beth made one day.
Speaker 1:You know everybody's cheering me on every day and it's this big thing and I felt like, oh, I'm going to have more energy, I'm going to have all these things, but in just a month you just don't. It's not enough time to really feel a big difference, so it felt like an accomplishment then.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but yeah, and I had done a month, you know a whole 30. And I did three months right after my separation and like. So I've done little chunks and kind of the same thing, where it's like I'll see what I do, and then it's usually social events that get you yeah yeah so. So I didn't want to put a date on it, and I still don't have a date on it, but just haven't had an urge?
Speaker 2:not at all, no, no, and I finally feel like in the beginning it was just socially, it was the hardest.
Speaker 1:So was it like me, where you would show up to things planning to not drink and then change your mind Before? Like, when you got there, would you change your mind?
Speaker 2:Yeah before, not Before yeah, when you would go a month or two and then, yeah, probably Probably be like yeah, sure, yeah, when you would go a month or two and then yeah, probably Probably be like yeah, sure, I'll have one, yeah, and then you know how that goes when you don't have an off switch, yeah, yeah, for sure. So or when you have really fun friends, you know, and it's just like you just want to be a part of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're having such a good time and it's like and my family is the same way Like it's just, it's just so fun, and so yeah.
Speaker 1:Last summer I went to a thrashing show with some friends and I was having a really fun time. It was nice weather and getting along with everybody. But when I, when my brain shut off, as it did every time I drank or decided to, I like literally a couple of sips and I noticed my friends like moving in closer to me. And I don't think it was intentional, it was just like the energy I was putting out there was instantly like that fun, fun energy. Beth's here, she's ready to party and so like, and I'll like everybody just gravitated towards me.
Speaker 1:And I was like this is the magic, or like devil, or like you know the, yeah, the evil that is alcohol for me. Not saying alcohol is evil for everybody, but for me it's like I could see an instant motion that everybody was gravitating towards me because I was letting loose, I was being more fun. Yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, cause you were a fun drunk, I feel I was being more fun, yeah, so yeah, yeah, yeah, cause you were a fun drunk. I feel like I was a fun drunk, yeah, yeah. So I mean like it, it's hard to see it as a problem. When you're a fun drunk, you know you don't have anger issues that come along with it or anything you know, and so it's hard to see it as like an issue yeah, and the next day everybody would be like, no, you were fine all night.
Speaker 1:I'm like okay, but I don't remember any of it. So what was the point?
Speaker 2:yeah, you know exactly back to music the amount of concerts I've gotten to and I don't remember half of it. So sad you spend all that money to go see this band that you love or you're like so excited to see, and then you don't remember half of it. Like, yeah, it's so sad, yeah, yeah, but I I think, um, yeah, socially, socially is, I think, was the hardest part to put up those boundaries for yourself, not like for me. It wasn't boundaries for anyone I needed to stay away from. It's just boundaries for myself, knowing like I probably will drink if I go to this you know what I mean and so I had to do put up those boundaries.
Speaker 1:So so, leading up to the decision, was there like some bad things that had happened, or was it just this like steady, ongoing, like desire to quit for a year?
Speaker 2:I the summer, so I quit right after Labor Day weekend and the summer, that summer I my boyfriend doesn't drink at all and he's been sober for years and, um, he was like you, you're fun until you're not. Like you cross this line where you it's just, it's not that fun and I had heard my parents say that to me too before. Like you're fun until you're not. And I think I just get loud and obnoxious when it's way into it. You know, and that's probably more blackout moments where I don't even know what's happening anymore and I still think I'm hilarious and so fun and everyone's laughing and the other drunk people do too.
Speaker 2:They think that you are too yeah exactly when you're right there with each other. It is super fun. But, um, and it wasn't like him saying don't do this, he was just wanting me to be aware that I did have a line that I would like cross into. And the the last time I drank, it was a family reunion. Adam wasn't there I'm dry, sorry, um and it was the first time at it's a family reunion.
Speaker 2:Every year we do it. It's at my aunt and uncle's pool and all my family, my mom's family, is there. People come from out of state. It's super, super fun and it is a drinking event like you are drinking in their backyard. It's safe and no one's driving. I mean, it is just a really good time. We play games, all the things.
Speaker 2:It was the first time I was with my kids a lot.
Speaker 2:They are usually with all the cousins and they're doing all their fun things with the cousins and the adults are doing all these things, you know, and it was the first time.
Speaker 2:I was like I felt like they were getting older and so I was with them where I'm thinking they were like maybe 12 and 15 or something like that, and, um, I, they were laughing with me, laughing with me, and then I started hearing, like mom, have water. You know, like mom, okay, maybe skip that one, you know, and they were doing these little things. I'm like, and you know, when you've been day drinking, and then someone tries to tell you to have water, I was just like no, and then, um, hard to talk, talk about. I was actually wondering if I was going to mention it, but it was definitely the breaking point. Um, I slapped my daughter when she told me to have water and that's why I wasn't going to talk about it. But, um, it wasn't like she was a slap and she went you did not, you know, and it wasn't hard, no, and it wasn't. And I was just like you thought you were being cute and playful.
Speaker 2:You weren't doing it out of anger, but not to give it any justice, not to give it justice. But um, I barely remembered it the next day. I kind of I didn't remember it until my oldest daughter told me about it and I was like cause.
Speaker 1:How did she react in the moment? Was she upset right away?
Speaker 2:Maggie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maggie was um just like shocked. And then they were like, okay, leah, like definitely, like definitely, and I I think I immediately was you know when you feel so ashamed that you're like almost offended and like you put up this defense or I'm like it's not that big of a deal and then I just removed myself and probably went and got another drink or maybe a water, no idea, and and um went and listened to, did something else and just kind of blew it off. So in the moment she was like shocked and then I mean, and kind of laughing at the same time. But then Layla told me about it the next day and she said the same thing Adam had said to me heard from my parents you're fun till you weren't. And then you just cross this line and you were obnoxious and you weren't funny anymore. You were, you were annoying. And then you slept, maggie, and continued to be annoying for the rest of the night and, um, I was like yep, that was my wake up call, so the next day you decided.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I was hung over for probably a week, I believe that. So I mean, there was no chance I was having alcohol. So that probably helped that I was hung over for so many days. But, um, I was and of course had to talk with Maggie and apologize. But funny little side story, maggie and I let's see it was that? Was it that spring or was it the next year? Must've been that spring, I? Um, so that was the summer.
Speaker 2:So then, yeah, about six months later, maggie and I went to Santa Fe, just the two of us, and we were on a train and they were passing out champagne and, um, I grabbed one cause, just to be polite, and then I was like this would be my first alcoholic drink since Hoffman Palooza. And she's like what you haven't drank since Hoffman Palooza, and she's like what you haven't drank since Hoffman Palooza. And I'm like, really, and so like it wasn't, like I'm not drinking, I wasn't making this big thing, like in the house or anything like that. I'm like no, and I go, I slapping you was like my bottom, like I never want to be like that ever again. And she was like what? And she's like you're not drinking because of me, and like I, it wasn't. It was very shocking to her and I was like, yeah, maggie, like you know. So it was very cool. It was a cool moment where I'm and makes me now want to still not drink for her. Yeah, probably ever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so special and okay. So at that point you could have been like, okay, well, I'm just going to stop drinking after two drinks, like that's going to be my thing. But had you tried that before, cause? For me it's like oh I'm, I can drink the rest of my life, I can drink every day, but it's only going to be two drinks. I mean, I had told myself that so many thousands of times and it just doesn't work for me. No, same.
Speaker 2:I can't like I have no off switch. When I, when I feel that little bit of like you know, I was really thinking about it I'm like is it joy, what is it? And what it is? I think for me is the carefree where you give you just all, you just don't care.
Speaker 2:And when that starts coming in, I'm like, oh, this is so great. Yeah, just this stress, or just all the cares in the world. But when all the cares in the world go away, you're irresponsible, you do stupid things, or you say stupid things, or I there's been times where I'm like I should have been home and I was at the neighbors, or you know, and but is that because you, you want to shut all that off, because you have an overactive brain?
Speaker 1:Do you think you do? Is that why, like it's it's so nice to drink and like, let it all go? Or why do you want to relax into it so much?
Speaker 2:I think at the time I was um well, I shouldn't say at the time, because I've been this way since high school no off switch. You know, I was never a two drink. I always said if you can't get a buzz, what's the point? Oh yeah, I never understood that. I don't want to drink these calories and then not feel anything when.
Speaker 1:I bartended the girls that would come in or guys, but usually it was girls that would come in and have like one drink an hour. I'd be like I can't relate to you at all. Yeah, who are you?
Speaker 2:because the second I go out I'm like shots, I'm like let's go, you know, yeah, because that's what you're doing it for is to like feel almost a little numb and sedate myself yeah, I realized I was doing yeah for so long and it's like I I'm guessing when I go back in time and I really dive deep into it, it probably came from a lot of like. My insecurities went with that care and then I just felt more confident, I felt good about myself and I didn't have those insecurities maybe holding on, or maybe I was numbing myself from things I wasn't happy about in my life, you know. So I was numbing that and I had way more fun being drunk and happy than sober and maybe miserable in a chapter in my life, like thinking about life or dealing with it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know, like I said and you said it wasn't, it wasn't well, that moment with Maggie was bad. That was definitely one of my worst, my worst moment and but otherwise it was fun. So you know it wasn't, but it there just was no off switch ever.
Speaker 1:So making the decision you're like, okay, I'm going to do it. Um was did it end up being harder or easier than you expected?
Speaker 2:Hmm, I think harder and easier. I think some things were harder. Social socializing was definitely harder, and putting up boundaries to people I really really love and not because of them but because of the boundaries I had to put for myself and kind of finally putting myself at like number one, like you have to do this for you like to feel good and feel good about yourself and be happy about your decisions, and so like you have to put up these boundaries with people that you really love my. I'm really close with my mom's family but we drink when we're together and so it. It takes time for people to get used to that. Took time for people to get used to that. It took time for me to get used to it.
Speaker 2:The social anxiety going into like an event sober like, is not fun in the beginning. Until you really get used to it, you really face it. You know, is it still hard? Way easier. I feel like I can go into a social situation now and just totally be me.
Speaker 2:I think I have less social anxiety than I did before, even when I was drinking and I would go in and immediately need those drinks to like feel better socially. Yeah, and now I feel like I go in like definitely more, feeling better, just like it's just gonna be me and I hope people can see that you could, I can still be fun, you know, even without those drinks maybe not as fun or as quirky and dorky I mean I'm those two sober but and and sober is also. I like to say, alcohol free, because I love my THC drinks, I love love my gummies, but I am very responsible, I feel I feel like I have a healthy relationship with them. It's not. I was never an every night drinker. It was a weekend drink, like usually one night a weekend, unless there was an event that it was two days.
Speaker 2:But, um, thc is kind of the same thing and I have one, I have like one gummy or one THC drink just to like relax on a Friday night, or you know. So it's a healthy relationship. So I kind of the sober I don't really like to say that I'm sober, because I definitely still like my THC.
Speaker 1:And same. I still like THC. So I don't say I'm sober either, I just say I don't drink. But and I wonder if people are going to be judgy about that on this like, oh, it's about sobriety, but Beth isn't completely sober. Well, yeah, I mean not from everything right now, but I still want to talk about it and have discussions, I think sobriety is like so different for everybody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like, and even if you aren't drinking or doing anything for a week, like you had a sober week, that's great, you know. You had a sober morning, that's great, you know. So I think it's like totally different. I think, being with someone that has had such a journey and I don't want to get into his story at all, but like so I'm like I'm alcohol free you know, like cause I just don't want to take away, cause he can't actually stay sober, cause he's sober from Everything.
Speaker 1:All mind altering drugs, coffee too no.
Speaker 2:Hell. No, he loves his caffeine. So like I, I feel like I don't want to take anything from that. But also I think sober is just so many different ways you can look at it but, yeah, definitely alcohol free. Yeah, but I, but having a healthy relationship with THC, I think, is just I feel really good about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm working on mine and getting healthy. Um, I went three months this winter without it and I thought my social anxiety would get better and it didn't. So that's kind of why I started again. But still trying to figure that out, yeah, but I think of it more as a tool and a friend for creativity, yeah, than anything else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because why do you feel? You feel like you don't't want it? Because were you overindulging, maybe? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I like to just get like stupid stone and just lay there and just like zone out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when I do that too often, then I just don't feel productive, yeah, and I can't get the stuff done.
Speaker 1:Do you regret it a little bit, regret when I do it? Yeah, yeah. And I can't get a little bit regret when I do it yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because then you're like I could have done so much more tonight. Yeah, to just kind of fell off the face of the earth with some people just socially, and I think that was maybe a little hard, I guess. I don't know. It's not like I don't have any relationships ruined over it or anything like that, but it's just finding like new relationships with the same people. You know, and I had a lot of support, just like cheerleaders, you know, that are like this is great and and Adam, surprisingly, I mean he's been super supportive, but he's always like do you want a glass of wine at? You know, if we go out for dinner like you can have a glass of wine, I'm like I am not doing this for you.
Speaker 2:I just want, I, want, I, I. This was for me, this wasn't for him. So much easier when you have someone that isn't drinking you. You did that in your year and it is so much easier to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but really great that he is making sure that it's not about him and making sure that you feel comfortable.
Speaker 2:That's amazing yeah, I think some people maybe on the outside, looking in, might feel like, oh, she's doing this because he doesn't drink. But no, this is something I've wanted to do for a long time and the things that are coming out of it, the creativity that's coming out of it, things I've wanted to do for so long, so I think they just kind of come hand in hand. You know, so it's to me and that's okay if people feel that way, but like it's sad to me if they can't see what's coming out of it, and then I'm finding like my best self you know, can you think of a best thing that has happened from it?
Speaker 2:for sure, just my relationship with my girls, yeah for sure, just so present in their life now. And I it's kind of funny. So we were talking about um, that we're doing that. I was doing this tonight and Layla's like are you nervous? And well, maggie's like is this like gonna be? Are you gonna be famous, so funny? And then, uh, layla's like are you nervous? And I I'm like not really.
Speaker 2:It was Beth and Veda and I think it'll be. You know, I think it'll be pretty simple, easy to just sit and chat with you. And she goes what's she going to ask you? I'm like I don't know. And she goes, I'm on this. So she went on her phone and started asking me questions and that was one of the questions was what's the best thing that's come out of it? And I was like hands down, no hangovers. And they both were like, oh, like they were so offended, like no, okay, yes, you guys just being home with them all the time. When I say I'm going to be home at nine, I'm home at nine, probably 8, 30. So like I think it's just made us just so much stronger. We're about to go on a 10 day west coast uh road trip together, just the three of us. So I'm just I. I don't know if I'd be doing these things. I feel like so much of what I did was related to, like you know, drinking like would I want to go on this trip or would I want to go?
Speaker 1:Have the time to plan it, because how many hours do you think you put into planning this? A lot, a lot of blog reading. Because, how many states are you going to?
Speaker 2:Just three. So we're just doing Washington, Oregon, California.
Speaker 1:There's so many. I haven't been on a road trip there, but I've planned some trips there. That never happened. And it is so much, so much, because there's so much to see, so much picking, like, okay, I'm gonna go see this waterfall for 45 minutes and then drive, you know, I mean, that's just a lot, yeah, yeah, I mean we are.
Speaker 2:We did an east coast trip, an upper east coast trip, and we didn't quite do it how I've I had planned, and so we're doing this one really differently and just very spontaneous, like that looks really cool, we can go look at it, or this town is really cool. Let's spend more time doing this and maybe cut out a couple of these things, or you know what I mean. Yeah, so a lot more spontaneous and yeah, I'm really excited about that.
Speaker 2:So, but yeah, I don't know if this trip would happen if I was in a different place in my life, you know, and making them such, I mean, they've always been a priority. I love my girls and I feel like I've always had a good relationship with them, which is just not this. This is amazing so, which makes me so sad to think of Layla leaving, like in a year.
Speaker 1:So I know, yeah, yeah, but so I didn't tell you. I forgot to tell you as we would get into this, but I can't remember the time frame. You went through a really hard time, hardest time of your life, when your dad passed. Yeah, was that before you quit drinking?
Speaker 2:after I can, I can't remember, so I was was like so naive when it came to his cancer. I was just like he is going to either overcome it or he's going to live for 10 more years or never. Ever was like he will only have a year, so um. So I really wasn't thinking that the year or the not drinking would affect that much, but I'm so glad that I didn't for the last six months that he was here. So I got to stop crying. So I want to tell you guys a fun story. So we went to Michigan, my dad and I in the fall the Otter story. What's that? The Otter story?
Speaker 1:No, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:That was actually after he passed away. But we went to Michigan to go to his dispensary. For the first time He'd never been to his dispensary. So we took a road trip and went, or a day trip and went, and it was such an incredible experience, just driving there. It was fall, it was beautiful. Actually, it was rainy on the way there and we left super early in the morning so we couldn't see anything, but the drive back was gorgeous.
Speaker 2:But we went and, um, we had this angel of a bud tender, he, kate. We went to rise I don't know if I can, yeah, these things. Okay, we went to rise in I don't remember the town, what's the one? Anyway, marquette no, it wasn't Marquette, anyway, but we walked up, we had our turn. We walked up, this guy was our bud tender and my dad just said Okay, so I have cancer and I'm just kind of like I'm dealing with a lot of pain that I can't quite kick and I don't want to be on these pain meds. That is like not making me feel great. So I'm trying to like get rid of some of the pain with not feeling bad. With not feeling bad.
Speaker 2:And he was a nurse, for I can't remember how many years he was a nurse and decided to get out of the pharmacy world, the devil, and come and start working for something more natural. And he, just he was amazing. And he, he just knew everything that my dad was talking about, like what he was going through. And he's like, oh, okay, so we could do this, and like, just went through all the stuff, my dad and I just ended up spending five hundred dollars. He was just like I want that, I want that. And then he's like, and he's like, what about those? And he's like that's more for recreational. And he goes, I'll take those two. That is so cute.
Speaker 1:It was so cute, it was so fun and we just had we, we had drives all the time and that was just an amazing, yeah, one of the best drives, yeah, yeah, going from like high school assuming you know that your parents are, like totally against marijuana. And now you know like get to, go to, yeah, a place with them like open, open the doors to that, yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:It was kind of funny on the way there, it was kind of chilly, and so we stopped and I just got a stocking cap like a black stocking cap. He was wearing a black stocking cap and, um, when we were driving home, um, we had to cut through wisconsin and there were cops everywhere and he looked at we're in my mom's van and he looked at me and he goes, take off that stocking cap. You look like a drug dealer. Go, I go, take off your stocking cap. You're wearing the same one, oh my gosh, that is so cute, it was funny.
Speaker 2:For a moment we were a little nervous, but laughing, yeah, laughing, oh gosh, I'll just never forget it. So anyway, but then fast forward to him passing away.
Speaker 1:I'm just so, so glad that I was sober through that Were you thinking it would be hard not to be like, hey, I'm just going to drink one night away.
Speaker 2:No, it didn't even cross my mind. My sister and I were in charge of giving him his pain meds and we had to do it. I think it was hourly or maybe every couple hours, I can't really remember. But I just it was so sad, but like such a magical time too, I don't know, and I just wanted to feel every feeling, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the point of coming to this planet, I think, is to feel every feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah so, no, I I was really happy. I was really happy that I didn't drink and I did not have any THC through that. I just really wanted to be there in the moment with my whole family. It was, you know, it was pretty magical so and he died on his birthday. I mean, he's just such a funny guy, but um.
Speaker 1:Can you tell the otter story? Oh, the otter story oh my gosh, okay.
Speaker 2:So then he, he passed um, passed away on a I think it was a Sunday and then on Wednesday I told Adam, I'm like I'm going to go to oh, so I'll tell you just this quick little snippet. So the last night he was able to like get up and he was still talking because we were all there, my siblings and nieces and nephews, the girls and everyone and he, we were talking and he got up, sat up in his chair and he goes, I think I, I think I want to go to the North Shore and tomorrow I want to get up and go to the North Shore.
Speaker 1:And that was a thing you guys did a lot or kind of random.
Speaker 2:He did with my mom a lot and he absolutely loved the North Shore. Uh, they loved the North Shore. They did this all the time. And my mom's like okay, where do you want to go? And he said I want to go to Temperance. And we all kind of laughed because Temperance is three hours north and my mom goes okay, you want to go all the way. And he's I don't remember what he said. He's do you want to tell me what to do?
Speaker 2:He even snapped at her a little bit and anyway, that just that was his last conversation with us. The next day he was not able to get up and we barely heard him talk anymore after that. So after he passed, I'm like I want to go to Temperance. He wanted to go to Temperance, so I want to go there. And we were all grieving in our own ways, kind of. We had all been together and we kind of all went our ways and I'm like I just want to go to Temperance, like I just want to go do this. And so I hadn't even mentioned it to my mom or sister, but I told Adam and he's like, do you want me to come with you? And I'm like, if you want to, like you can come with, and but I want to leave at four in the morning because I want to see the sunrise. If there's a sunrise I want to see it. So I want to leave super, super early.
Speaker 2:So we left early, we got there at like seven maybe, and it's gloomy, it is not sunny, there was no sunset, it was very gloomy and but kind of beautiful too. And we're just I had never been there before, I'd never been to 10 Prince, so I'm just, we walked down to the lake and it was really pretty Like the water. The water was melting and you go over the bridge there and that was all running and but ice was still there. It was really pretty. So we walked down and, um, I go sit on this big rock he's looking for agates Adam's always somewhere in his own world and I go just go sit at the rock and I look out and there's something swimming and I'm like it's a bird. I can't really quite figure it out and I just keep watching it and I'm like, is that a fucking otter? No way. And I keep watching it and I'm trying to just record it, zoom in in, see if I could see it a little bit better. It's an otter. And then another otter comes and I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Speaker 2:So 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago I don't even know how long ago it was I asked my dad if he could be any animal, what would it be? And he said an otter. So, um, it was crazy. I've never seen an otter ever in my life, other than maybe a zoo or something. And I'm just like, oh my god. And I'm like Adam, oh my god, and I'm just freaking out and there's another otter.
Speaker 2:His um sister passed away. She got killed by a drunk driver and years, years ago I think I was in like 10th grade and I'm like he's with Shelly, he's finally with Shelly and I'm just watching these otters swim while they go to that water over the by the bridge, where there's like the waterfalls or the water running, and they just start playing like seriously, the. We sat and watched them for two hours and it was just us. There was no one else there and we just watched these otters play, catch fish, eat the fish, fight over the fish, like it was so magical and I needed that because I was like how am I supposed to like go back into the world without him here? And he was just like I'm an otter.
Speaker 2:I'm happy I'm playing back at the source energy.
Speaker 1:I'm like yeah, my energy is good, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think it was just that. So I'm like I, my energy is good, yeah, and I think it was just that. So I'm like I'm good, I'm good, tell everyone I'm good. And yeah, it was just, it was amazing.
Speaker 1:That's such a beautiful story?
Speaker 2:I don't think he stayed in Otter. I think he's been one million animals. My dad was such an animal lover and I think he's been a million animals doing all these different things.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I think he's having the time of his life free from a lot of his demons. He had a lot of demons too, and I think he's just free. So, yeah, yeah. So going through all that with no, going through all that sober, it's just so magical.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, having the clarity to um I mean not being hung over so you could wake up early and go to that having the clarity to see that, I think, um, that's a blessing. Yeah, definitely so. Did any of that change your relationship with what you believe in spiritually?
Speaker 2:I am, I think, going through well that and just learning a lot about myself, just learning a lot about myself and I feel like I'm learning. I'm starting to go on my first true, my own spiritual path. You know, I've gone to church my whole life. My kids have gone to Sunday school and been baptized and confirmed magazine. You know all those things. Those are all the things I went to, went through. Um, I feel like I have something different and something actually my dad and I really connected on, just like, uh, something out of our, out of a not in a book and just something around us, just the feeling.
Speaker 1:You can feel a relationship with something that you don't necessarily need to find at church or in a Bible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think the church is amazing and the Bible is amazing and full of lessons. I think there's a lot of lessons in a lot of different religions, which I think is great and great for the people who believe in them and everything. I just feel like, yeah, I don't know, I just feel like I'm learning a lot of lessons just through nature, natural things, the tea, the kombucha. I just feel like there's so much that I'm trying to connect with that's a little bit more.
Speaker 1:That was here you know, yeah, just tapping in, yeah, like just making the kombucha, I think, is just tapping into that energy of creativity and everything. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure, my dad was very spiritual not religious at all, you know so I learned a lot of that, I think, through him and just want to continue. When Adam and I went to Idaho and Utah and just learning a lot like, we started reading a lot about the Mormon culture and everything, and just then I went down this dive of different religions and I just kept going and going and for the first time I was like I think I really need to tap more into Buddhism, cause I feel like that is more probably me feels a little bit more like me than I ever realized. And and my dad and I'm, I'm like, yeah, that's weird that we never really went that route or talked about that, but the more I was going down that path, yeah, um, I kind of, I kind of feel that way. Adam got me this amazing book. It was, uh, 365 days of Buddhism teachings and it's just this one little lesson you read in the morning and it's just so positive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can just connect with it more and I'm pretty sure Buddhism they don't consider themselves a religion. They're just like hey, life is hard, it's super hard. Here's some ways to make it not so hard. Here's some some guidelines you can follow. If you don't feel like following every day, that's fine, just like once in a while.
Speaker 2:Here's some some guidelines you can follow if you don't feel like following every day.
Speaker 1:That's fine, just like once in a while, here's some ideas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, and let's keep it positive, let's find your positive grounding, you know, so yeah, yeah, I like it.
Speaker 1:And when my mom brought me to a Buddhist temple when I was like 20, this guy handed me a book and he's like don't give up Christianity, you can do both. And I was like awesome, cool. So, yeah, fun to dive into, hope you can come back on and we'll just talk about spirituality and your journey, but for now, is there any advice that you'd give anybody that's thinking about quitting for a year drinking or quitting anything?
Speaker 2:hmm, I would probably, I would probably, I would probably say this is like dive into the podcast honestly, like, podcasts were my saving grace, for sure. And walking I was walking and listening to podcasts.
Speaker 1:Can you tell me about that couple that was or they're like friend?
Speaker 2:couples. Yes, and I wish I could remember I could go find it Okay and we'll put it in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll go find it, and what?
Speaker 2:their name? Is it in the show notes? Yeah, I'll go find it in what their name is. But they were just two people different paths and um, sobriety paths, and they just chat about different stories, like drunk stories, different things and how they overcame stuff, and I would listen to one on every walk. I would just listen to them. They're hilarious. I haven't listened to them for a long time, but I listened to them for probably like the first six months. I even sent it to Matt. I'm like I think you would really like these guys and maybe kind of help you out too. And he wrote me, I don't know, a couple of weeks later. He's like they're hilarious. Thank you, you know. So, um, yeah, dive into the podcast and and um.
Speaker 1:Because then you have somebody to do it with, even if you do have supportive, like your boyfriend was sober too, but the more the better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like just when you can relate to and I think that's what I liked about them. They're so relatable, like, like you said, I didn't drink every day. You know, I drink on the weekends and that was very much. One of them was very much that way, and so just so relatable, and so you can find those people on the podcast and it does feel like you have someone to like go to, you know, but yeah, probably that. And then, um, putting up the boundaries, maybe maybe not, like I said, for a certain person, but for yourself, and making sure you're sticking to your plan and your goals.
Speaker 1:And yeah, yeah, what's this? I have to edit this out quick, but I just had a screenshot. Sorry, it's like uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's not uncomfortable. Well, you just keep moving.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh's like uncomfortable. I feel like it's not uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Well, you just keep moving. Oh my gosh, I know it's me. I think I'm just like I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I hope I'm not totally fidgety, twitchy I kind of am too. There's something about boundaries. I can't believe how emotional I've been.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry, I did not expect that. What? How emotional I've been. Oh no, it's going to be a real tear-jerker oh. I know. I hope my family doesn't get upset if I'm telling some of those stories.
Speaker 1:I don't think you've said anything. That would be upsetting.
Speaker 2:Look it, I'm wearing my otter socks right now.
Speaker 1:Not even on purpose.
Speaker 2:Not even on purpose. They just went with my pink pants this morning. That's so perfect, they say. Crystal got them for me. Hello from the otter side.
Speaker 1:Oh shoot, I must have deleted it, but it was like exactly what we're saying, okay, okay, back in. All right, I'd like to end by asking these two questions what do you do that you hope your grandkids do when they're your age?
Speaker 2:What I do, that I hope they do. I want okay, I know what it is and it probably starts with my kids and going into the grandkids but fall in love with yourself. I just want them to love themselves and and be okay, putting yourself up on up here and being your number one priority. You should be your number one priority. Who, who else is going to do that? Like you got to be number one and then you can love really wholeheartedly and you can be loved wholeheartedly and not being something shitty because you'd be like no, no, I'm worth way more than that. So I think that is something I found in my 40s. When I turned 40, I really started to be like you know what you're, you're a catch. You know, yeah, and I'm kind of still and I just kept going with that and I'm just like no, like you should really love yourself. So that's the song too. That's what I was gonna say is.
Speaker 1:It goes back to the song yeah, yep, just, and I hear so many people say that that the 40s is when women really start to feel self-love. Yeah, so one, yeah.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I start to feel it more and more all the time, yeah, so yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, and what do you do that you hope your grandkids, your kids and your grandkids don't do?
Speaker 2:Oh, smoke Hands down. That is a battle I have, not I right now I am about two weeks not smoking a cigarette. Good, I think when I decided not to drink, I quit smoking. For oh, that was when it was my dad's funeral. I decided I'm either going to go have a drink because he had a funeral a month later, or it was past his death and I'm like I called Adam. I'm like I'm either going to go to the liquor store or I'm going to go to the gas station. I need a cigarette or I need a drink.
Speaker 2:I need something Like I am going crazy and I went and I got a cigarette. So I went six months and I keep going like maybe a month at a time, maybe two weeks. Right now I'm at two weeks and I keep going back, and I think it's because I still want to be a little naughty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Well, because is there a trigger? Or is it just like you just want to be naughty, you just want to be normal?
Speaker 2:Because for me, I just want to be normal, I just want to like why can't I just do something Right?
Speaker 1:Sometimes I just do something.
Speaker 2:Right. Sometimes I just want to be naughty and sometimes it's maybe stress. It's a stress relief, but it is not. I feel it. I can really feel it. That's another thing. Do you feel that when you're not drinking, like I feel so much more in my body? My body talks to me and I listen to it like so much more than ever, because I feel like I just always probably feel shitty.
Speaker 1:Yes, I was talking about that today. Like my baseline for how I felt was like I couldn't handle it. Now it would like drop me. I had like the ulcers, the heartburn I couldn't eat. There was no foods I could eat without getting heartburn. Couldn't even look at tomatoes or Bloody Marys or spaghetti sauce, and now I haven't had heartburn in a year or two. Yeah, and so many things about my body that I'm just like I take advantage of now thinking back at how I was living. Yeah, it's just wild.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So what were you saying before that? Why did we start talking about that?
Speaker 1:Um, you just said, when you smoke, you feel everything.
Speaker 2:Yes, I would just, yeah, I can feel it. And then I'm like, okay, I have to stop because I'm really feeling it. And then I feel really good. And then I get maybe stressed, or maybe it's Friday and I'm like I just want to have a THC drink and a cigarette, you know, and just home and watch my movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but whoever said we needed to be perfect? I get it too. Um, like cigarettes to me is the lesser of the two evils. I do smoke a cigarette once or twice a month. I feel like they always make me feel just exhausted and tired right away and I always regret it. Yeah, Sometimes. Sometimes I'm like this is the best thing in the world.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I don't, ever, ever, ever. I've told my kids I don't ever want you to smoke. I just it is so hard to give up. I don't know why, but it's. I've always been been. I was a full-time smoker until I got pregnant and then I became a very like social smoker. But I would smoke a pack if I was drinking yeah, that's the thing.
Speaker 1:If I smoke a cigarette, that doesn't make me want alcohol, but if I have a drink, need a cigarette instantly need a cigarette.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, for sure and I just told James the same thing because he's obsessed with sports and like he knows everything there is to know about sports. So he wants to gamble a little bit and we just drove to Danbury because he wanted to place a bet on the Timberwolves and I'm like okay, but just like you have to check yourself If you're ever like giving yourself a limit of how much you can spend and then you oversee that yeah, then you oversee that, yeah. That's when you know like you're starting to have a problem and like please don't go through the horrible pain of quitting an addiction like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like just don't. I mean, you know, kids can never listen yeah, we couldn't either, but just please listen to that one thing. Life will just be find other struggles.
Speaker 2:Yes, put yourself through other hard things. Great, so that, yes, put yourself through other hard things so that you don't well, I'm I'm 30 days off of heroin. They're like great, yeah, I'm 30 days off of alcohol.
Speaker 1:They're like oh really, yeah, did you have a problem? Yeah, yeah, I mean I've literally had family members say like you're, you're so much more fun when you drink, you know, I mean, like everybody said that to me, nobody's going to say that to somebody. Like, oh, you're so much more fun when you do heroin, yeah, you know. So it's like the good is the enemy of great type thing, but opposite. So like just because it's kind of bad, yeah, you know, makes it fine. But if it's really bad, yeah, like Steve-O says, like he's lucky that he was a full-blown alcoholic because then he knew he had to quit. He's like the real struggle is for the people who are just kind of an alcoholic. So then they just live in that forever. And I think about that a lot. Yes, and I am so lucky that I got out before I got a DWI or hurt somebody or hurt myself worse. I mean I have scars all over my head from falling, yeah, but somehow I got out, you know.
Speaker 2:What's really cool, though, is it is becoming more normal. Yeah, I know. It's so fun and mocktails, like you said in your Facebook post yeah. I'm. I'm less and less into the mocktails, probably more and more going towards like a kombucha or the poppies are kind of fun or something like that, but in an na aisle like they have full blown like a whiskey sour, that tastes like a whiskey sour.
Speaker 2:So it's kind of fun once in a while if you want to, if you want to have a moscow mule or something, it truly tastes like one right so that's kind of fun that they're like leaning into that and the breweries are doing any craft beers and love craft beers, like love them and they're the um beer club and town has an na beer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw that, but I'm hoping that they do a stout, because the only beers I ever liked were stouts oh yeah, and there's a good one up in duluth, um, and there is some really good ones that you're like you can't even taste that these don't have alcohol in them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you just, then, you can just have one yeah and feel like a normal person yeah, like I can have a beer too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally, yeah awesome okay, well thank you so much for coming on and I hope that you come on as a guest again soon yes, for sure.
Speaker 2:I'm so excited for you and your podcast adventure You're so this is perfect for you. I think you're going to do great things, thanks.
Speaker 1:Knot comes from the Greek word sailor and means voyager or traveler, Like an astronaut searching the stars. A super knot is one searching the inner and outer worlds of self, navigating life, consciousness and reality, striving for betterment. The paradox is that seeking and striving can create more unrest and more unhappiness. So, while calm seas may not make great sailors, I plan to explore the idea of light rescuing darkness instead of fighting it.