Supernaut
Supernaut is a podcast about spirituality, sobriety, and the spectrum of self. Hosted by Beth Kelling, this show explores what it means to seek clarity, connection, and personal truth in a world that rarely slows down.
Since beginning her sobriety journey in 2020, Beth has been diving deeper into spiritual practices, emotional honesty, and all the beautiful, messy layers of identity.
Each episode opens the door to conversations about healing, growth, creativity, intuition, and everything in between — because who we are isn’t fixed, it’s a spectrum.
Beth will be joined by guests who share their own stories, perspectives, and spiritual paths — offering insight, inspiration, and the occasional cosmic detour.
Whether you’re sober-curious, spiritually inclined, or just looking to feel a little more human, you’re in the right place
Supernaut
Song of a Broken Man: Surviving the Spiral
The crushing weight of generational addiction can seem impossible to escape. For Anthony, growing up surrounded by alcoholism that claimed multiple family members created a blueprint for his own struggles. When Crohn's disease led to surgeries in his early 20s, prescription painkillers became his gateway to a twelve-year battle with multiple substances.
What makes Anthony's story remarkable isn't just how far he fell—from unwittingly being drugged with meth by "friends" as a teenager to experiencing terrifying cocaine-induced paranoia that had him hiding under his bed. It's the profound spiritual awakening that came in his darkest moment, when after desperately praying, he heard what he describes as "the most beautiful violin playing I've ever heard in my life." This experience became the first step in a winding road to recovery that included a near-fatal car accident, psychiatric hospitalization, and multiple treatment attempts.
Today, Anthony has transformed his life through faith, accountability, and creativity. His morning routine of prayer and Bible reading has dramatically reduced his anxiety and depression, while woodworking—a skill inherited from his father—provides purpose and a healthy outlet during challenging times. Perhaps most touching is how his recovery has begun healing family relationships, inspiring his father to attempt sobriety after years of alcoholism. Though he's never met his teenage son, Anthony now feels worthy of that relationship, hoping to show him "who his dad really is" rather than the person controlled by addiction.
Whether you're struggling with addiction yourself or supporting someone who is, Anthony's journey demonstrates that redemption is possible even after years of darkness. As he says, "God can use a broken man." Ready to start your own healing journey? Reach out for support, develop healthy routines, and remember that your past doesn't determine your future.
0:00 Song of a Broken Man
7:27 Family History of Addiction
15:47 Chance Encounter Keeps Podcast Alive
24:13 Battling Multiple Addictions
38:12 The Accident and Rock Bottom
52:34 Finding God and Sobriety
1:05:03 Fatherhood and Lost Connections
Anthony hi. Hi what song did you pick for us to listen to?
Speaker 2:So I picked God Can Use a Broken man by Jason Crabb. It is my baptism song. It's just kind of fit my whole personality of who I am and what I come from and what I've kind of been through my life. Life hasn't been easy, and trying to make it easier every day.
Speaker 1:So you felt like a broken man and that drew you closer to God, because he is like. I still love you.
Speaker 2:Exactly, he can love you no matter what.
Speaker 2:And it's true, he can fix a broken man.
Speaker 2:Because I was broken for many years and always searching for a way out of what I was doing, and for years it didn't seem like I could find that way out, and until I wanted it like I wanted it for a long time but I didn't know how. Like I wanted it for a long time but I didn't know how. And yeah, it took over 12 years of searching for a way out, of trying to overcome an addiction, because I come from a family where my grandpa's dad he was a really bad alcoholic passed away when he was like 30. And then my grandma on my mom's side, she passed away from cirrhosis of the liver, and then my mom's an alcoholic, my dad's an alcoholic. I mean, it's real heavy in the family and my mom doesn't only do alcohol, she does other drugs and that's what's kind of what was hard, you know, because that's where I assume I got a lot of addiction personality from was from her, you know, and it made it hard as a kid, you know, growing up in Brook Park, I mean very much there.
Speaker 1:Not much to do, no there Not much to do.
Speaker 2:No, and, like you know, bless my dad's heart because I didn't live with my mom. We only went there on the weekends because they ended up getting a divorce when I was three years old and you know so, living with my dad full time, you know I give him kudos on that. You know, I'm sure it wasn't hard and I know I didn't make it easy on him. Did you have siblings?
Speaker 1:helping give him a hard time as well.
Speaker 2:I think I was the hardest one because my older brother, because there's just the two of us. He was always one of the better ones. But then he drank alcohol and had his own run through. Well, now he's sober, but it took him getting two DWIs to straighten his life out and I'm glad I didn't have to go through that, the legal part of that. But I almost wish I didn't have to go through what I went through to get to being sober. But if I had to do it again, I'd have to say, yeah, I had, you know, to cause to overcome it. You know, um, it's uh, it's difficult.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you had so many chains to break through.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Sounds like we have so much to dive into. Um, I wanted to start with saying that you and I don't really know each other, but we met last fall and I wanted to tell you a story about the day that we met. So I had been working on the podcast in the evenings and weekends for about four months and by the time I went to sleep I would be so energized, I would have so many ideas, I'd be so pumped up about it. But every single morning for months, my first thought, sometimes before I even opened my eyes, was this is stupid. Like you need to just stop. Like there's no, nobody's going to want to listen to you, nobody's going to care. Like this is a stupid dream and I would just wake up. So, down on myself, and that particular morning I was like I'm sick of these ups and downs and this time I'm just going to be done. Like, just stop chasing this silly dream.
Speaker 1:And, um, later that early afternoon or mid morning, I ran into you and your friend, robert, and I had never met you, but, robert, I knew from when he used to come into the bar that I bartended at and he was like hey, beth, I'm so sorry I haven't came in but I quit drinking. And I was like, well, I don't bartend there anymore and I quit drinking also. And he said and this is Anthony, and he quit drinking. So I kind of just blurted it out. I was like, well, I'm starting a podcast about sobriety. Do you guys want to come on? And you were both like, yes, yes, so excited.
Speaker 1:So then I went completely the other direction. I was like, okay, now I have to like there's people that are going to come on. I think I talked to a couple other people that said that they would come on too. But I was like, now, if I tell them I quit before I even started, then I have to admit that I quit. So now I have to stop doubting myself, and not that every day. I still didn't doubt myself at some point, but, um, that chance encounter really helped me move forward with more confidence. Um, to just do it. You know I didn't want to let you guys down and um, yeah, so Heck, yeah, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 2:You're welcome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm really excited for that day. So you have not just overcome drinking, but also pills, coke, meth, which was the hardest.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh. Well, pills was one of the longest ones that I was on because I have Crohn's disease. So I went through a couple surgeries. Real young age how old, I was 20, and it was back-to-back years. So then when I was 20, my grandpa passed away, had my first surgery and then my second surgery I had exactly a year to the day.
Speaker 2:They missed an area in like higher up in the small intestine, because I have no ileum anymore, which is where your large and small connect, and so they took out the old connection that they had like in the colon and that they had like in the colon. And then they went, took that part out and then went higher up in the small and, uh, they said it was really bad and like I was addicted to pills before that, but that made it really bad. Well then, um, uh, I ended up through the years when I was really young uh, I was probably 15, 16 years old I had what I so-called friends, you know, and, um, I didn't know how to choose the right ones. Well, come to find out after they cleaned up their act for a little bit, but not so much that I know of anymore. Um, I found out when I was, oh gosh, 30 years old that I was getting drugged when I was 16 years old by your friends Yep.
Speaker 2:With, uh, with meth, by your friends, yep, with meth, and I never knew it. How were they giving it to you, like we were doing pills together and then, you know, so we were snorting it. Well then, that's exactly how it happened, you know.
Speaker 1:You thought it was Oxycontin or something, but it was meth.
Speaker 2:Yep, exactly, that's insane. And that was going on for like three years not knowing. And then, you know, I always had it in the back of my mind to never do it. Well then, one thing led to another. There I was and I'd have to say, overall, probably the hardest one was cocaine. For me, to be honest, Um, that's uh, that was really difficult, Um, kind of scary times I got. I got so bad into it that I thought I was going to die from it and it put me into paranoia because I was doing so much and it led me to like being so paranoid that I would like hide under my bed because I was so scared. And that's when someone I went to treatment with. He always told me that if you wanted to get to kind of take away any evil spirits or anything like that, pray in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. And that's what I did underneath my bed three separate times. And the third time I heard the most beautiful violin playing I've ever heard in my life. I've ever heard in my life I will.
Speaker 2:And since then it's been one crazy journey to finding a way to get sober. Cause, after that instance I put myself into treatment and I rolled a Jeep. I should have never walked away before that instance. I jumped a driveway approach on a dirt road and then the roof collapsed on my head and you can notice it a little bit if you look from the back of my head. And you can notice it a little bit if you look from the back of my head that I was in a really bad car accident. And then it was last winter. I was getting a massage done and my massage therapist looks at me and she goes have you ever been in a car accident? And I was like, uh, yeah, why. And she's like, because I can, I can kind of tell it like my whole my neck's kind of messed up from it.
Speaker 2:So I was in a jeep cherokee and, um, when I jumped the driveway approach the telephone poles were flying by and then I landed on the lip of the road like nose diving into the into it. So then it slammed the whole driver's side into the into the ground and, um, my head went back over the the top of the seat in a Jeep Cherokee in like, uh, the top of the seat in a Jeep Cherokee in like I'd say 98 is what year it was. And so when I finally came to, all lights were on in the car. Oh gosh, it was middle of night and I ended up leaving the car and I went three miles in the dead of night because I knew not to go home, because that was the worst thing to do. So then, as I was going, like I cut my head on the window, really bad bleeding, and I was hearing coyotes and like, like, let me tell you, I was getting a little nervous, uh, and the further I would go, the closer they were getting.
Speaker 2:Well then, finally, I got to where I was going and I didn't go back home for five days before I put myself into a well, I put myself into a psych ward. My dad and brother were going to beat me with a baseball bat.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:Because we had a confrontation where I was working on a vehicle in my dad's shop and the concussion was making my head hurt so bad and like I couldn't be in around lights and, um, it was making it hard to like think right, you know, and uh, so I was telling him, I was like I just need a break, just, and my dad and brother were drinking and, um, one thing led to another.
Speaker 2:So, like there it was a my dad has a shop that's 30 by 80, and the front 30 feet of it there's a separating wall for just a regular garage to a wood shop. And I walked out the man door in that separating wall and there was a truck behind me, four-wheeler, in front of me, and my dad came from the shop and started yelling at me and my brother came yelling from the other side. So I was kind of blocked in and I knew not to do nothing, just kind of let them do their thing. Well then, the one looks at my dad, looks at my brother, and he goes grab the bat. So my brother went looking for a bat and, um, then my brother came back and he goes I can't find it.
Speaker 1:Well then, um, and this is just because you needed a break.
Speaker 2:Because I wanted a break.
Speaker 1:Was this typical?
Speaker 2:This was more than typical. They kind of knew I was on drugs and they were kind of like taking it out on me because, like I was always trying to find help, but they knew who I was hanging out with. So I mean, I don't blame them sometimes for what they did. But then I remember looking at my brother and saying, well, if this is what you guys want to do, why don't you call the cops then?
Speaker 2:So then they called the cops and, uh, you know, they split us apart when they got there and, uh, my um, they they asked me, you know like what was going on, told them the whole story, and I told them about the accident and that I wanted to, you know, get my head checked out. So then, uh, after everything was done, you know, I told him that my brother and dad were drinking and I was like my brother drove across the road, you know so like he shouldn't even be driving. So then, um, they took me in an ambulance to Mora and did a CT scan. They said that there was a serious concussion, but they could only see so much on a CT scan, so they never did an MRI and after that I went back home. And then. That's when, the next day, I got kicked out of the house by my dad.
Speaker 1:How old were you?
Speaker 2:I was 27, and I had no vehicle in my name. He gave me his vehicle and then I uh, uh, so. So I didn't have no insurance, vehicle, not my name, and I something told me just to go North. So I started the freeway and I got to where was it? Moose Lake, at Quick Trip, and got some food. And then I went from there to Cloquet and then I didn't know what to do. A lady bought me a water and and a sandwich from Quick Trip there and then I don't know why it was.
Speaker 2:But I went back to Moose Lake and I'm trying to go to sleep in my car while a cop's seeing this and pulled me over. Well, when he pulled me over, he goes do you have license and registration? I said I have a license, but I don't. The car's not in my name. I was like just got kicked out of the house, I have no insurance on the car. And he's like well, do you have any weapons in the car?
Speaker 2:And I looked in the back seat and I said well, first I said no, not that I know of. And I turned around and I go well, there is something in the back seat and it was a crossbow, just the main body of it, not the bow part of it. And he ran it. It came back clear. He ran it, it came back clear, and then he said well, since you're kicked out, he says I'd tell you to go up to Duluth. So then I drove to Duluth. After that I took the crossbow about five miles down the road. I was so nervous with it. I threw it out the window on the freeway and then drove myself to St Luke's and St Luke's they wouldn't take me.
Speaker 1:Is that a hospital?
Speaker 2:Yep. So then I went to St Mary's Hospital and they took me and I was there for 32 days in a psych ward and um, because I was having psychosis, so bad um from the concussion uh, from the concussion and like the drug use of, like the meth and coming off of it yeah, it was really bad.
Speaker 2:People were changing, like I could look at somebody and they would morph into somebody else, and it was really bad. So then I, when I was in the psych ward, there was quite a few things that were really difficult to see in there, from people trying to kill themselves to people flipping out and just to get a medication administered to them. It was the most unbelievable thing that, um, I've ever seen. And then I almost got admitted into that uh, like committed to it, where they wouldn't let me leave, and then they could administer any drug that they want to you, you know. And I got a tip from one of the nurses that said you better just talk to your doctor. And so I was in, like after about a week I was off all medication, the psychosis was gone. And then so jump forwards to like the 28 day mark. I was reading all this stuff, you know, uh, and my uh doctor put a 28 day hold on me, or put it, put a uh a hold on me, which would have been over the weekend, but Monday was a holiday, so it turned into a six-day hold, and I found this out just by reading all the paperwork on the wall. And so then that next day I did talk to her and she goes good, because I was going to commit you. Then they found me a treatment facility to go to and I was there for 28 days. Left there went to Teen Challenge. I was told that it was outpatient. It turned into another 90-day program and program and I was like, no, this ain't happening, you know.
Speaker 2:And I ended up, uh, going into what was it? Uh like a homeless shelter up there and then went back to working and found myself going back to the same place, which was a bar. Then one thing led to another. There I was doing the drugs again. Then I lost my job. I got fired, first job I've ever been fired from. I went back to treatment. I put myself into treatment.
Speaker 2:Right after I got fired I went to a different place down in like Rochester. Within five days I seen three people get carried out on stretchers and I called up my dad and I was like, please get me out of here. So, so he got me out of there and I went back to the original place that I went to, down in Montemidai, and, uh, I was there for another 28 days and then since then it's been a journey of like finding out who God is and um, uh, just keeping on straight and narrow. You know, like I found out because I kind of dabbled with drinking still after getting sober from the drugs. But I had a doctor at a really young age, about 13 years old.
Speaker 2:I had seizures as a kid and they said to to never get addicted to it to drink. And um, he's like if you drinking really heavy, he's like eventually it'll lead to a lifetime of seizures. And uh, I was starting to black out, no matter if it was one drink or it was 10, you know it was. I was going to black out and that's what caused me to completely stop. It's just, at that point it's life or death, you know, not knowing what you did, and um, it's so now I it's so much more enjoyable, like all the things that I've missed out on, you know, and it's one heck of a journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, from seizures to Crohn's disease, to alcoholics all around you, so drinking was just normal. While you were growing up, everybody was doing it All my adults were drinking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when was your first drink? Oh gosh, I think I was doing it All my adults were drinking. When was your first drink? Oh gosh, I think I was about 15, 15 years old.
Speaker 1:I planned to ask you, you know, what were you trying to escape from with all these drugs and alcohol? But I think we already know quite a bit.
Speaker 2:I was trying to escape the addiction like, oh my gosh for man. I think I was from the time I was 18 to now, or I'd say when I was like 25. From 18 to 25, I was trying to stop, like really hard after the two surgeries it, um, I just wanted to stop in the worst way, you know. So then I finally did. Well, then I was still like smoking pot and it it didn't work for me, you know.
Speaker 1:And Cause pot would lead to other things.
Speaker 2:Yep, for me it would, and that was the unfortunate thing. Like it was a gateway for me and you know, I never quite left talking to that group of people that I thought was friends. And so then, like before the whole jumping the Jeep and the road, oh gosh it's I was sober for like eight months and then I don't know what it was. Well, it was. Have you ever heard of the saying like keep doing the same thing over and expecting a different outcome, which is considered insanity? Yeah, I was just going to a bar.
Speaker 1:After eight months of not going to a bar you're like okay, I can do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then it turned into I was going there every week and then it started from one drink and I'd just go there after a long day of work, have one drink, go home and yep, one thing led to another.
Speaker 1:it was within like four months there it was a full-blown drinking again, you know yeah, okay, so the timeline was sober for eight months and then drinking a lot and then hurt yourself in the accident. That's when your dad and brother, like they want to beat you, like because they want to knock some sense into you yeah, that's why they wanted. Okay, just wanted to clear up why they wanted to beat you. Yeah, because they care about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, yeah, okay. And like my dad and I have like one of the greatest like relationships now. Like I'm trying to learn woodworking from him, because that's what I I've been blessed with my hands. Like I do a lot of woodworking and I can draw and tons of things like, oh man, it's so there's so much to learn from him. And like this year I actually asked him to quit drinking and so far he's like, as far as I know, I think it's like three weeks sober.
Speaker 1:no, that, that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and like because I want to try and make up for the time that I lost you know from him, and like it was more of my own doing, not his doing. And I just want to learn the woodworking aspect because that's where I know everything. I just doing like I was spraying kitchen cabinets at 13 years old, because that's what my dad would do on the side and man, the knowledge he has and the wisdom of it, it's just amazing that I, it's amazing that I I got that talent from him. You know, I don't want it just to be put to the side and just set to waste away, you know.
Speaker 1:Right, I think, um, why we're here is to be creative. So you already know how you can be creative, and I'm not sure what I was going to say. Oh, I don't know. Shoot, now, my foot's all asleep. What was I going to say Something about?
Speaker 2:like being creative.
Speaker 1:No, it was before I was going to say that Something about your dad, but I don't know. That's beautiful that he three weeks Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because, like I asked for, I asked his fiancée to quit and I hope she does, because she drinks quite a bit. It's the first time I've seen my dad happy in a long time, you know, and I don't want him to lose her because, like seeing the way my grandma went on my mom's side, I don't want that for anyone. Seeing somebody die from cirrhosis of the liver, that's painful. I bet.
Speaker 2:And yeah, because she just she always had to like have a drink, like her thing was wine, you know, and I don't want that same thing for my dad's fiance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think that you have to replace an addiction with something, and for you it sounds like you had support through the treatment centers, but also religion maybe replaced it. Yep, what do you think can replace it for your dad so he can keep going, because you know you have to fill that hole, that empty hole?
Speaker 2:So like for me, what it took was writing down every morning for, oh gosh, I think it was like eight months solid. I was writing down five things I was thankful for and five things I was grateful for every morning. And then it's like trying to fill them gaps in the day, where you're trying to figure out what to do. Is filling in the gaps with something that's productive, is filling in the gaps with something that's productive? And for me now it's like where I find myself most apt to, if I was going to fall would be in the winter because I'm being laid off. But what I've been doing for the last two years is doing woodworking projects and, as long as I can keep my mind doing projects, it it helps out so much like big time and, uh, so like. That's all I can say.
Speaker 2:For him is like just keep a project going. Like, even though I know he doesn't want to, he's done so much woodwork and he did it since he was oh gosh, I think the time he was 12 or 13,. He was working in my grandpa's wood shop and he he said to me he's like, once you do it for a living, he says you're going to hate it. And I don't know. I just I love it because each it's like sometimes the wood speaks to you, you know, and that's so.
Speaker 2:So, like, what I do is I pick one or two things that I'm gonna work on in the winter, like first it started off with making a bed, then it turned into making a TV stand, now I've got a whole idea of making a kitchen table and I've kind of been running some ideas. I still don't know what I'm going to do with that yet. But my dad told me just the other day he goes, he says you're going to bite off more than you can chew. But I always keep telling myself well, I don't know, you can't do it if you don't do it, you know. So just keep trying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and every piece is so different. That helps keep it so fun and interesting, I'm sure.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And your brother isn't drinking anymore either he's not.
Speaker 2:He uh, oh gosh, he was drinking super heavy, I think. I just I don't want to speak for him but I will because like he, he was drinking oh gosh, like a case, like every day or every two days. He was drinking a whole case and like he was doing that for, oh man, three or four years but his thing was, you know, drinking. I mean the same thing with my dad, dad, because you know it's legal and that that was always their excuse and it's like, yeah, it's legal, but it's still still mind altering.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's still evil. Yeah, parts of it.
Speaker 2:It is, and, uh, it was two DWIs that his second one was what uh helped him, like I think he had, uh, one of them inner ignition interlocks for like two and a half years, so that basically made him be sober for two years, two and a half years, and now he, as far as I know, he's been doing really good and I talk to him at least once a week, you know, and go and see the family and yeah, I'm proud of him because sometimes I was like I was worried about him that he wasn't gonna stop. You know, and uh, man, just, uh, just to think you know that drinking would do that much, you know, it's just that you can get so addicted to it that you absolutely need it.
Speaker 1:Physically.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then when it gets to that bad, you can't stop. So my dad's brother he got really bad, I know. He ended up having alcoholism so bad that he was having seizures and in order to get the seizures stopped he had to have alcohol and he ended up passing away from it and he was actually one of my favorite. He was my uncle. Like gosh, seeing my dad and my, my uncle together when they would talk. Oh man, some of the stories you know just miss that. And um, only other thing I can tell my dad man is search for, search for God. You know, always like what's helped me is like praying in the morning, praying every day, just randomly throughout the day, and I read the Bible every morning as much as I can. If I have the time or if I wake up late, then I usually do it in the afternoon.
Speaker 1:I try and find time where I can read and that has helped me out huge yeah, it's like once you truly believe in your soul that he loves you unconditionally and he can be your friend throughout the day yeah then you have somebody there that has your back constantly, right? Right you can tell anything to him, because you can't hide any of your thoughts from him.
Speaker 2:Because he knows everything. Yep, and that's the part that blows my mind is how can there be someone out there that knows everything about you before you were even born, already knows everything you're going to do. You know? Mm-hmm, it's just.
Speaker 1:And actually loves you anyways, yeah unconditionally.
Speaker 2:And then, oh man, it's still hard to wrap.
Speaker 1:Wrap my head around it, you know yeah, to actually feel that kind of love yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, so I hadn't talked about it on the podcast yet, but I was addicted to meth from age 17 to 18. So that was like 2003 to 2004. And then I got pregnant, so then it became a lot easier to quit.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And people always ask me why I started even back then and so I thought about it a lot easier to quit. Um, so, and people always ask me why I started even back then and so I thought about it a lot. You know why did I for the first time start? And, um, I remember the first time it crossed my mind was, um, in 11th grade. Um, my boyfriend had kissed a girl and somebody was like, oh, you should fight her. And I was like no way, she's so much stronger than me.
Speaker 1:And somebody literally said, okay, we'll just do some math. And then you're like invincible and you can fight anybody. And I still didn't want to fight. So I mean that was just like a fleeting thought. But then it was. Somebody said, well, you'll get skinny. And I was like, oh, and I remember now, or like now there's girls a couple years younger than me that like have told me we did it because we saw how skinny you were and how good you looked. So I mean it was just so depressing at such a young age how you will do meth to get skinny, you know or I did back then.
Speaker 1:so that is why I did it, but also I. The other underlining thing, too, was I had been using cannabis for a couple of years at that point and I thought that it was so great and I felt like the DARE officers had lied to me about cannabis.
Speaker 1:So I was like so they've lied about everything, everything. So I think that misinformation was a big factor too of why I was like, well, if, if cannabis isn't so bad, then you know these other drugs probably aren't so bad. But getting pregnant and having the support from my parents is is how I quit. I mean, it was still really hard for years.
Speaker 2:I could smell it, I could taste it in my mouth, but I think for me, having a family that supported me through anything was what made it easier for me than than some people yeah have it so and another thing for me is like is getting away from the people you know, like at one point I had to remove everybody and then slowly find out who your real friends are and when it really comes down to it, man, you only have one or two real good friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a lonely pregnancy because I couldn't hang out with anybody.
Speaker 1:You know they were. All all of my friends were still using meth. They all quit about a year or two later and I always looked up to them so much because I had been praying to quit for six months. Like every single night I just prayed God, please don't let me do it tomorrow. I hate this feeling. I don't want to. I didn't even like the feeling that it gave me, but I have such an addictive personality and I always want more and I'm always like, whatever I do, I want more of it. And so he gave me the perfect out to quit and I quit instantly. But my friends quit for no reason, you know. So that is what I'm searching for through these podcasts is to figure out how people quit before something horrible happens. You know, yeah, how people quit before something horrible happens. You know, like you, yeah, you know, I mean obviously a lot of trauma, um, but you could have just kept going and died. So it's like what is it?
Speaker 2:it was at that um, violin playing, that you heard God, and then you just that was one of them, but like I seen so many friends pass away, you know.
Speaker 1:And like your uncle, who you adored, you know, and it's like there was a place for you on this planet. And you were robbed of it.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, like boy. Let's see Just people I went to school with. I had one, two, so one passed away. He was in the grade that I went with was, so one passed away. He was in the grade that I went, was in in Hinkley. And then I had a good friend that passed away from drugs. He was my best friend in high school or who I thought was, and then a couple people younger than me.
Speaker 2:And then the one that really shook me the most was Erica Kitchen Master. She, I was good friends with her, she was like a sister. I knew her from a really young age, like shoot, we're in kindergarten together. I could talk to her literally about anything. And I found out the day or when they how do I say it? When she was going missing. When she went missing and then they found her, her a couple hours later. It all hit me that it was like because I think she was missing for like 72 hours and then they searched and finally found her. Well, that three days before that she called me, I'm almost positive, from two different phones to probably try and stop her or say she needed help. And you know I didn't answer because it was like midnight, 1 o'clock in the morning, you know, and I didn't know whose phones they were, so I never answered the phone call and then to find out she's gone.
Speaker 2:You know, and that that one, really that was a couple like a year ago now, or a year and a half, and that just was difficult and um sucks because like in the worst way, she needed an out too. But that's never the way I've wanted to go. You know, like it's, uh, I feel for people like that, you know, because that's one thing I've kind of dealt with over the years is like suicidal thoughts, you know, and sometimes they're harder than others. But you know, I always just keep telling myself, no, you can't. You know, like it's, there's so much more to life to enjoy. You know more to life to enjoy, you know, whether it's from going fishing or, um, you know, going out to, to hike, and you know, just go and see nature it's nothing better than nature yeah, like just listening to the birds, or you know, sitting out on a on a lakefront just listening to the water, oh gosh.
Speaker 2:Or one of my favorite things to do is sit by a river and just hear the water flow. Just that nice, calm, constant flow, it's just. I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1:Nothing like nature to keep you in the present moment. That's right, and there's nothing more important than being in the present moment, to find gratitude and meaning here exactly and just always keep putting the things in your mind.
Speaker 2:That, for me, is like there's always a greater purpose, there's, there's always a reason why you're here. And um, one thing that kind of blows my mind, you know, I remember you asking me before the podcast if I had any kids. Well, I'm almost positive I have one. Never met him and you know, quite frankly, I didn't want to meet him because I didn't want him to know who I was, because I wasn't, you know, with the drugs and alcohol I didn't want him to know that. You know, like I want him to know me as a good person, you know, not for all that stuff. You know, like everything aside, I want him to know who his dad really is. You know, like what he can really be, who his dad really is, you know, like what he can really be. And he'd be like 17 years old and I've never met him.
Speaker 2:And but you're not positive oh, I'm positive I'm his mom, took him away to, took him down to Arkansas and yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, are you proud of who you are now?
Speaker 2:I'm way proud of who I am.
Speaker 1:So are you ready to reach out to him?
Speaker 2:I would love to if he would ever consider, you know like wanting to know me and forgive me for things I've done, said you know Like I would love to know him and I'd love to spend time with him. But until that happens, I mean that's been one of the hardest things over the years. I remember breaking down in bars multiple times because of it. You know, knowing that you have a kid out there and not being able to see him, it's hard and you know it's that'll drive a guy crazy. You know, because I want kids in the worst way. You know it's because that's like.
Speaker 2:You know God's created so many things people. You know that if you ever get the chance to have kids, you know it's the greatest blessing you can ever have. You know, and that I want that I don't want to not have that um, just being able to teach them things that that you learned and picked up through the years. You know I mean that's the whole reason. That's the one main reason why I always wanted to quit was if I was to have kids. I wanted to be able to have my mind in the right place to where.
Speaker 1:I could go through the hard times and not rely on some drug or some substance.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wanted to be able to deal with it full on, just with everything God gives you, you know. And uh, I just don't want to want to see my kids go through that or see me ever drinking. That's the main thing, you know. I want them to see me for the good person I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Is there anything you would change about your journey, or are you content with every part of it, because it got you where you are right now?
Speaker 2:that is a big question. Anything I would have changed? Yeah, if I could have changed there would. It would have been to meet, uh, my son for the first time, and that would have been when I was 20 or 21. I remember reaching out to my ex about him and that's when she's like he acts just like you, and I kind of turned it away. I didn't, kind of. I did because I was in such a bad state, like I was struggling with a pill addiction alcohol not so much, I was more into the pills and marijuana and I just didn't want them to see that side of me because I was struggling with it for so long. And then, every time that I've tried since then, I get nothing, you know, just uh, nothing back. So I mean, maybe in the right time he will reach out, you know trust God's timing right and that's all I can do is trust him.
Speaker 2:You know, because, like he said, like like they say, his timing is perfect. You know you put the right people, the right things in your place at the right time, and who knows, maybe right now is the right time.
Speaker 1:Is there anything that you used to believe about yourself that you now know isn't true?
Speaker 2:Let's see. I would have to say that I didn't have an addiction was what I always used to tell myself. If I didn't have a problem, I had a problem, until I seen that you know that I had a problem and trying to figure out how to deal with that problem. Like, took accountability and said yeah and said I need to fix this before it can't be fixed.
Speaker 1:And so many people are in denial about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and until you come out of that denial, I mean it helps a lot like being able to say, okay, I do have a problem, you know, know, and then finding the right resources. You know whether it's well for me it was going to a hospital to get help and then, um, having counselors. I never really had, like, uh, like a count of bill buddies, kind of things, you know. But, um, the one nice thing about why I'm so, why I like the church that I go to the seventh day adventist out of hinkley, is because a lot of the people there, or what I know of, are all sober. So in that sense it makes it super easy to know that you got that ease of mind, that these people are all true and you know to their word that they ain't drinking. You know, um, it just well, they're not gonna push you or they're not going to be like.
Speaker 1:it's not going to be like, hey, well, let's go out this weekend and then, like going into bad traps, it's just like a safety net to be around people who you know exactly. Yeah and not. Yeah, and not judging anybody who does Cause like. Yeah, for 10 years I said every day I wanted to quit drinking and I couldn't. So like I get it? I had scars all over my head, I fell all the time, I blacked out all the time. So, and then it was just making one small step at a time.
Speaker 2:You know like, okay, I'm not going to drink at home.
Speaker 1:Um, then I was only drinking when I was working, and then I got a different job and then just slowly started less and less Right and then just slowly started less and less.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's the hard part is, like you know, when you work at a place, like at a bar because I did as a cook, you know I mean you're around drinking all the time and what do you do after you get off work? Go have a drink, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I couldn't handle people that didn't drink, I was like who are they? What do they do with their time, you know?
Speaker 2:Like it was just so normal.
Speaker 2:Right and man, until you can fully remove yourself from those kind of people. You know I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them, it's just that you got to remove yourself to be able to see why you need to remove yourself, you know, to better yourself, because if you don, I just like you said, it's one was like one's never enough, but a thousand's too many, and you know, um, because one was never enough. You know you always wanted more and then, um, that that's the the worst part about addiction. You know, I never knew when to stop and I just got a friend that he drinks but he can stop, and it's like I'm appalled by it because I never had that impulse to be able to stop.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've heard of one or two people like that in my life. They're like a unicorn. But Jason Bateman, the actor, I liked how he said it on his podcast Smart List, he said you know, one or two was a good time, Three or four was a great time. So I just thought 10, 11, 15, 16. Would you know, the more I had, the more fun I would have. And that's how my brain reacted and I was like that was me too. I don't know that I was trying to escape anything, but I was definitely just sedating myself so that I didn't have to, because I'm just a very sensitive person. Everything makes me feel things. So I think, I just I think drinking was like oh, I don't have to deal with reality, I can just.
Speaker 2:You can shut it out, yeah.
Speaker 1:But also I just really want to have fun. I really like having fun, so like I just didn't know when to stop.
Speaker 2:Right, that was. My other thing is like, you know, I had like problems where, you know I didn't, didn't finally fully move out. For, oh gosh, I was 30, 30 years old, 31 years old before I finally moved, and I always had that in my mind. You know, like, you're such such old, 25 years old and you're still living at your dad's place. You know like, but, and you know it's like, when I think about it, it was I was telling myself I didn't have a problem. But really, in all reality, I had a heck of a problem. You know, um, because the whole reason I couldn't move out, because I was spending all my money, you know, and that's the, that's the hard thing. Yeah, and um, boy, if you could go back to being 18 years old, what would I tell my 18 year old self?
Speaker 1:so, assuming that you have grandkids I feel like you will what do you hope for them when they're your age? What do you do right now that you hope that they do?
Speaker 2:Boy. I hope they enjoy nature, enjoy fishing, hunting, and I really truly hope that they get to know who God is, because he's a great guy. And that's what I really hope to have to be able to see grandkids. To be able to see grandkids and being able to teach them who God is, because he'll help you through all your hard times if you just ask, and because he has so many great things in store for you.
Speaker 1:So many surprises.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, when you're least expecting it too, and that's what I, I it still kind of blows my mind. You know all the hard times you can have, like I mean even being sober now. I mean there's still struggles that you have, but it's so much easier to go through them struggles versus before, where you just bury the problem and then it gets worse and worse and worse, you know, and you just it gets to a point where it's so bad that you have to do something about it. Or I mean, for some people they just it. It doesn't happen. But I mean, if you can get the problem to stop, it's oh boy, like I'm still trying to trying to. Uh, like last year I I went to the, went on a walk to go see some falls and as I was walking, you know, I did some praying before, and then I get to the falls, enjoy them, and it's like man.
Speaker 2:I just want to enjoy this with somebody else you know, so that they can see the beauty in this too, this with somebody else you know, so that they can see the beauty in this too. And then it was like I was really having a hard time because like years, like if you go back like four or five years, I would never got to enjoy that, because I've never been out doing that stuff, because I was out using drugs or alcohol and it like hit me that man, I wasted so much time just to go see nature's beauty when it's there, right then and there. And I ended up leaving early and just driving back because I was having such a hard time and just driving back because I was having such a hard time and it was tough for me to try and break out of that, like to actually go do things and see things.
Speaker 1:You know, by myself and yeah, maybe God selfishly wants to spend alone time with you out there right now, and that's why he hasn't put somebody in your life to do it with yet.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think you hit the nail on the head. I truly believe that.
Speaker 1:He wants you to appreciate it to its fullest so that when the right person does come, she's going to be the person that understands on the same level as you.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Beautiful. Is there anything that you do right now still that you hope your grandkids don't do when they're your age?
Speaker 2:oh boy, not that I can think of honestly, okay, because uh yeah, I mean, you're exactly where you want to be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, I can't think of anything. Anything else you want to share Boy?
Speaker 1:I'm sure tomorrow you'll be like I should have said this. I should have said that.
Speaker 2:Right. One thing I found out this year, or not this year, last year that was oh man, it was so tough I didn't know how to take it, because I got tattoos and one of them is for my stepdad that passed away. Well, I found out last summer, about early August, and I noticed like, if I get into situations where I don't know what to say, I get really quiet and I shut right up. I just don't know what to say. I get really I quiet and I shut right up. I just don't know what to say. You know, well, I had one of the moments where my grandpa was talking to me on the weekend and he's my only relative left is my mom's dad and a grandparent to speak of. He told me I've been waiting years to tell you this that I'm pretty sure that your stepdad and your mom were cooking meth. Well, that was hard to take that in. You know super hard to take that in. You know super hard Because, oh man, we'd go up there on the weekends and sometimes my mom would disappear all weekend and what would we do?
Speaker 2:You know, there we are 13. We had our little brother, that's our half brother. He'd be there through this all the time. Well, my older brother eventually got to the point where he never came up. He knew not to, but there was times where she would be missing for the whole weekend and then she'd finally come back on Sunday to bring us back home. And you know we'd get up there. The house would be a disaster. We'd have to clean the house in order to make food. It was something else you know. And now, looking back and being able to see that like no wonder why when I, when you clean the windows in the house, it smelled so dang bad. Now I know a lot of stuff. Like I can't tell my dad much of what happened in my younger years because he holds such a grudge, you know.
Speaker 1:What's going on with your mom now? Is she still alive?
Speaker 2:She's still alive. She lives in Sandstone. She struggles with addiction real bad with alcohol, super bad and I've gotten to the point since being sober that I just can't stand being around the alcohol or the drugs anymore. I just seeing a person drink, I can last about two drinks of watching them drink, you know. And then it's too much stupid and the conversations get to a point to where they keep telling the same thing over and over after about 45 minutes of them drinking, you know.
Speaker 2:And uh, that's where, like my mom, she just doesn't know how to stop and I've asked her and our relationship lately has been real rocky.
Speaker 2:Like I have some furniture that I was going to give her and she just won't answer the call.
Speaker 2:I went like a month and a half of calling her and her not answering that I had to call my aunt to talk to her and see what was going on and then finally she called me a day later and I found out recently I can't bring up anything like suggest things to her that like from anywhere to suggestions to work, or I can't suggest her to stop drinking at all, otherwise she stops talking to me and it's pretty hard. Like I love my mom and I, you know, don't hate her for anything she's done. It's just I feel like there's I wish there was hope that she would stop, and I don't know if I'll ever see it, you know, because I really I get the feeling that with as much as she drinks, she's going to go the same way as my grandma did her mom. She's going to go the same way as my grandma did her mom, and I don't want that for her because she already struggles enough. I mean, it'll make it that much more hard for her and everybody around her.
Speaker 1:It's tough. Just keep praying for her.
Speaker 2:That's all you can do. And like one thing that was hard for me over the years, because I I tried helping her multiple times from the time I was 18 to about 26. That's very yeah, because I helped her move, I helped my little brother graduate and in return I'd always end up with problems, you know. And then once I got sober, um, my mom called me and she goes I'm, I'm down in Pine City. I'm like why, you know, well, I, I don't have my vehicle. Um, can you come pick me up? And I'm just like why? You know she wouldn't tell me until I came picked her up.
Speaker 2:So then it all hit me on my way to pick her up that you know she got another DWI and the only way that I would pick her up once I got there, I was like you're going to let me take all the alcohol out of your house. So then I did. Well, then you know just, she always goes back to it. You know she doesn't know how to get away from them people, and that's the hard thing, that's like the hardest thing to do. You know, with her being alone I would visit more, but I don't want to be around her drinking, want to be around her drinking and like the biggest thing for me that I remember hearing somebody say was if you can't help yourself, why are you helping somebody else? So, like for years I wasn't able to help myself, but I was helping everybody else around me and when I actually in all reality I needed help and, um, I didn't need to help other people until I could actually help myself.
Speaker 1:You have to take care of yourself first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's a big thing, like yep.
Speaker 2:And let God help you exactly, and then do what you can when, when it's the right time, you know, then help because, like, my grandpa has me help her once in a great while, but the last couple times that I've went to help she's never home. So then you know, we go back to my grandpa's place so I'll visit him like once a week or once every other week and help him with things around the house. Well, he'll ask me, and one of the last times I talked to him he was talking about my mom and I was like, yeah, you know, all the times I've tried to help her over the years and he goes. I said I don't know how you do it, grandpa. I was like because I get to the point where just I don't care anymore and I don't want to be like that and I feel like at that point I'm being selfish, you know, because I do, deep down, truly care. But you know, if somebody doesn't want to help, there's no point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they say that that people have to want to help themselves, and I've been questioning that because I think obviously everybody does and I think the chemicals in our brain can be so off kiltered that they don't know how to want it for themselves. But I mean, maybe you're right. I mean they have to at least a little bit, otherwise you are exhausting yourself and you're not taking care of yourself and you're going to get burnt out.
Speaker 2:Exactly Like. Another thing for me was what really kind of helped me stop was I got sick of doing the same thing over and over, because you know, whether it was from chasing a high to chasing alcohol, the next, your next fix, I mean, I just that revolving door just doing the same thing once you start to see it as boring, you're like oh, it's like, I can't do it anymore.
Speaker 1:It's boring, it's the same thing.
Speaker 2:I'm not evolving yeah, and, like you know, you're seeing the same people and they're telling you the same stories day after day and it's like yeah it was literally starting to drive me nuts.
Speaker 1:That's what bartending was doing for me. Every single night. It was the same people sitting there telling the same story and I was like I'm just on repeat Evolve or die, you know, know, like that was my screensaver for a while um, I just can't do it and you know it's, it's sad some of the things that happen you know, whether it's from the car accidents to the, to the drugs getting them, to the alcohol getting them.
Speaker 2:You know a lot of that probably wouldn't happen, you know, if would have just asked for help or gotten help or wanted it.
Speaker 2:And I truly feel for people like that and a lot of times all I can tell myself is pray for them people, because I forget what. I went to a men's retreat for church this year and they're having a sermon about praying and what it does to your mind. And you know well, not with not just praying but saying reading the bible, you know, the first day is like it changes your, your way of thinking by five percent. Then you go two days of reading it. Then it changes your way of thinking by 20 percent and then, by the time that it hits four days, it changes your way of thinking by like I think in the upwards of like 200%. Wow, like it takes like anxieties, um depression that goes down by like I think it's somewhere in upwards of like 50 or 60%, if not more, that it that it drops after four days of just reading. And that's that's what's mind blowing to me. You know, it's no wonder why it's there for you to read, but, um, you know.
Speaker 1:Well, I was really looking forward to this, and you have even more of a beautiful story than I could have ever imagined, so thank you so much. You're going to help. A lot of people have heard this, inspire a lot of people and we'll be rooting for your dad.
Speaker 1:I appreciate it, thank you not, comes from the greek word sailor and means voyager or traveler. Like an astronaut searching the stars, a supernaut is one searching the inner and outer worlds of self, navigating life, consciousness and reality, striving for betterment. The paradox is that seeking and striving can create more unrest and more unhappiness. So, while calm seas may not make great sailors, I plan to explore the idea of light rescuing darkness instead of fighting it.