Speaking The Unspoken With Nicole

Depression doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like a capable nurse, a partner, a parent, a person who “has everything” and still feels like they’re disappearing on the inside. I sit down with Nicole for a first-time conversation that starts with a song and quickly turns into a deeply honest story about mental health, isolation, and what it takes to ask for help before things get worse. 

Nicole shares when she first recognized depression at 19 after a breakup and the crushing loneliness of being far from home. We talk about why therapy helped immediately, how medication fit into her path, and why it can be so confusing when your life plan is working but your brain and body are not. Then we go into the realities of postpartum depression and sleep deprivation, including a scary moment of suicidal ideation that she’s willing to name out loud so other people don’t have to suffer in silence. 

From there, we connect the dots to childhood experiences with divorce, alcohol in the home, and how addiction history can shape what feels safe in adulthood. We also get practical about nursing burnout and caregiver fatigue, why switching jobs can be a mental health intervention, and the small self-soothing tools that actually help when your nervous system is overloaded. We close with spirituality as an open question, the power of being seen through others’ words, and even a money mindset angle that reframes spending, debt, and “happy money.” 

If this conversation hits home, subscribe for more honest inner-life talks, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What part of Nicole’s story did you relate to most?

0:00 Meeting Nicole Through A Song

0:51 First Depression And College Isolation

3:46 Therapy And Medication That Helped

4:32 Postpartum Breakdown And Suicidal Thoughts

10:05 Divorce And Growing Up In Two Homes

14:03 Teen Years With Alcohol At Home

16:30 Marriage And Addiction Fears Around Drinking

20:44 Why She Chose Nursing

22:48 ER Adrenaline Then Burnout

26:10 Self Care With Music And Nature

28:41 Learning To Self Soothe And Slow Down

31:51 Spiritual Seeking And The Alpha Group

39:43 Hearing How Others Describe You

44:24 Money Habits And A Better Relationship

Transcript

Meeting Nicole Through A Song

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Super Knot where we explore the inner and outer dimensions of the self. Today our guest is Nicole Eastman. Nicole and I have never talked before today, but she has all the Super Knot main themes to talk about, so I'm excited to get to know her. Thanks for having me. Yeah. So I asked you to pick a song for us to listen to before we started to get on the same wavelength. What song did you pick?

SPEAKER_02 0:19

Uh I'm not a quaint by jelly roll.

SPEAKER_03 0:22

Why did you pick that song?

SPEAKER_02 0:23

Um, first time I heard it, I was actually going through my second bout of really being in a deep dark hole of depression. And it was like, oh, somebody else is relatable to this. So I don't know. I just kept listening, listening to it. I cried and I was like, this is a good song.

First Depression And College Isolation

SPEAKER_03 0:45

Yeah, that's the beauty of music. So yeah, mental health is a big theme on Supernaut. And you said you've experienced some depression. When was the first time you realized that what you were experiencing was depression?

SPEAKER_02 0:58

Uh I was I was 19. I went to college, university college in Mankato, and started dating this guy, and then we broke up, and I was two and a half hours away from home, and I really didn't know what to do. And so I was like, I don't have anybody to lean on. I'm 19, but this is stupid. I'm going through a breakup, and then I feel like I'm just so depressed over it. Like it wasn't even a marriage, it was just like a I don't know, thought he was the one. Obviously not, but I struggled. I left the university after that year. I came back home. Um came back home, lived with my parents, and kind of just really struggled. Um, but I was still on like the path to achieving my nursing degree. So I did took a couple classes and but it was really hard, and then I ended up going to through counseling, um, which was really helpful. Counseling, and then after a couple months of counseling, I was like, I still need something else, so I started on medications, got into nursing school, which was another stressor in life. Um, but I was able to finish that, and um I was on meds for a long per, let's see, 21 till I was 26 seven, 27?

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Yeah. So was it loneliness, uh like being away from everybody and then breaking up, or what was the overwhelming feeling?

SPEAKER_02 2:59

The having having really nobody to go to. I had one friend that I was starting to become really close friends with, but I had no one to really go to. I didn't have my sister, I didn't have my mom, they're close to me, so I don't know what my mom and my friends thought it was super weird that I was just like you're going through depression over this guy, but it things happen, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

Yeah, well, I mean, as humans we need people, and when you feel all alone like that, especially if it was somebody that you thought you were going to end up with.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Therapy And Medication That Helped

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Was there anything in therapy that helped right away? Uh just talking.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Um Having somebody to listen. Having somebody to listen to, and then talking about other things too, not just that. Um, she made me feel like it was, you know, is normal. Not I felt weird just because I was young and going through this, but you it happen at any age. And I didn't think I was ever gonna go through depression because I had everything set in life. I was going on the right path in my mind, and like high school was great.

Postpartum Breakdown And Suicidal Thoughts

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Yeah, yeah. No, no depression in high school. Nope. Nope. Yeah, I think extreme loneliness like that can set it on. So then when you went off medication, how old are you now? I'm 32. Okay. So how has it been since you went off the medication?

SPEAKER_02 4:40

I was on medication until I was 28, 28. Um, and then it was a year after I had my first kid, which I thought I was okay. So went off of that um for about a year and a half, and I was doing pretty good. Doing pretty good. Things were going, you know, I was married or got married, had a kid, had my career going for me, and then we decided to have another kid, and um, he's a horrible baby. He was a horrible baby. He won't sleep. Colicky. Colicky. I was up five times a night, every single night throughout his first year, still working, um, still dealing with the two and a half, three-year-old. And then there was a point where it was he was probably like four or four or five months or whatever, where I just I lost it. I grabbed him, put him in his car seat, and I was going to go drive away, just meet him and never come back. But I was able to stop myself before even getting into the car. And that was the first time in my life that I actually felt suicidal. And I think it was a lot of sleep deprivation and just struggle.

SPEAKER_03 6:18

Um you've been thinking about it at all leading up to that, or was it like just that split second?

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Um, that I was pretty depressed, but never felt suicidal until that. It's like I can't do this. And it was like 11, 12 at night. I just I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Were you thinking you would just drive and drive, or were you thinking more like drive off of a bridge? Where were you thinking you would go and never come back? You didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Just go, just get out of here. Just go, get out, take him with, and just never come back.

unknown 6:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Thank you for being so vulnerable and and sharing that. Um, you know, 20, 30 years ago when you'd hear those stories of moms killing their babies and everybody thought they were crazy. It's, you know, not that. It's something going on in the brain. And unless we talk about it, nobody can get help.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

I'm a big like advocate in talking and speaking. I think I mean therapy helped me, so if I mean if it helps other people, even just writing it down.

SPEAKER_03 7:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

But speaking and then just speaking with my husband about it, he was didn't really understand. He's like, you can't be you can't be depressed, you have everything, you have, you know, but you just don't understand. So it was the next day where I was like, I I need some help.

SPEAKER_03 7:57

So that was midnight, you said. How did you make it through the night?

SPEAKER_02 8:02

By my husband.

SPEAKER_03 8:03

Did you tell him what was going on right there?

SPEAKER_02 8:06

He was he was up and he was up and he witnessed, he witnessed it, and I was like, I he just uh held me and make sure everything was gonna be alright.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

So um yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

Isn't that so interesting? Oh yeah, everything on the outside can be just perfect, everything you thought that you wanted, and even if it is everything that you wanted, that doesn't mean that your brain is working correctly. And so you were still on medication at this point? I was not. You had gone off.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

I'd gone off, and so I think I it was like it helped me before and go back on it.

SPEAKER_03 8:44

So the next morning that's what you did, call a doctor and start off slow and I'm back on it.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

So and things are chang I mean things are definitely changing for the good. Definitely much happier than I was a year ago.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

Good. So good seeing a therapist again.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

No, not seeing a therapist, just reaching out to family, friends, changing jobs really helped. I wasn't really wanting to do my job anymore, so I switched to a different department. That helped a lot. So I actually want to go to work now versus not wanting to go to work.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

So yeah. I just feel for the people who don't have a partner that they can talk to about that because if they don't say it out loud, then they can't get those thoughts clear enough to get help. And they just only listen to the voice in their head that is saying you're not okay, you're you're worthless, or what you know, not saying that's what you felt, but I think that's what a lot of people feel. So I'm so glad you had him to talk to, and hopefully people keep talking about it.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Definitely encourage him.

SPEAKER_03 10:05

So, what was your childhood like? You said your parents divorced and drank a lot. My parents divorced when I was, I think, four. Um can you remember what life was like before that versus after? What the contrast was?

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Um I just remember like my dad always being like verbally angry.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Um your mom and you and your sister?

SPEAKER_02 10:43

My so my I have a blended family. So my sister is ten years older than me, or nine and a half. She has a different dad. And so up until we were living in St. Francis and with my mom, my dad, my sister, and me, I I think, but I was I was still really little. Um and then my dad ended up having a relationship with the next door neighbor lady. And I I don't really know really much details, but they ended up getting married. And so my mom, me, and my sister have been moved to an apartment right down the road. Um and then my my mom met my stepdad shortly later, and he came into my life, um, and they've been together ever since, and he's been a big influence in my life. I still talk with my dad. I stalk with my dad a lot, actually. Um, he just doesn't really have anybody else because he is single. So he's divorced again too. So then I have a brother from my dad and his ex-wife. So blended family, but he lives in Arizona, so I don't see him too much. But childhood was a lot of going to my dad's every other weekend. Um not that I really wanted to, but uh I had to because I was under 18. So it was me and my brother going to my dad's. And then um I think growing up with my stepdad and my mom together, it was pretty good. I don't really have any bad memories other than I mean they were they've always drank. Always drank. Um even my real dad, he still drinks. Um but my mom and my stepdad were the ones that would go to the BFW all the time, drinking, smoking. You n you name it, but I never felt neglected, maybe because I had a sister that watching me. Or my mom recently told me that whenever I would go to my dad's, that would be you know her time to let loose go party.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

So um, yeah. Do you remember feeling any loneliness as a child?

Teen Years With Alcohol At Home

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Not really as a young child, more as I got to be a teenager. Um really lonely because when my mom started to drink super heavily. Um, so my sister's older than me, and she ended up having a kid, and they were living with us, and my mom drank really heavily after that. And there's one time we had to, it was in the my high school, I was was somewhere with my high school boyfriend, and we had to come home because my stepdad called me say, hey, your mom's on the floor, she can't get up. So I come home, found her on the floor, oblutterated, and I'm just go to my bedroom and I start crying. It's like I don't and I was 17. It's like I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 14:50

What were you supposed to do? I mean I don't know what I was supposed to do. Like you're a child still at this point. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. And did your boyfriend know that's what was going on? Did you tell anybody?

SPEAKER_02 15:06

Well, he he actually came to the house with me, so he knew he witnessed that, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:13

Um but I think But I think a lot of kids in that situation would hide that from their friends, and that could cause some isolation and loneliness. So you don't want to tell your friends that's going on at home.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

I think shortly after that, she ended up going to rehab. And then that was difficult because it was basically just me and my stepdad living at home together for I think she was there for two or three weeks. I didn't know what to do without my mom. I was 17, I didn't know what to do. She was like my best friend. I didn't know what to do. Um but she I think relapsed a year later, but she's been sober ever since. And she's completely like changed her outlook. She is definitely a better person.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Happier.

Marriage And Addiction Fears Around Drinking

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Way happier. I think she's happier, she's healthier. My stepdad still drinks, but I don't think is much. Um and having for me having a husband who drinks, um, which he's trying to cut back. But he grew up totally different than I did. Um in what way? His parents only drank when they were away. Or there was a point, I think there was a point when he was growing up where his dad was drinking a lot and inside and then decided to stop. So I don't think he ever really witnessed his parents really get super drunk, like at home. Um but I've always told him that I don't want him to end up like my parents. Yeah. And that's an app it's I mean it's scary.

SPEAKER_03 17:26

Yeah. So he doesn't have any trauma associated with drinking, so he probably can't see it the same way you do.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Not with drinking, but with addiction. So and he's been doing for addiction. Yeah. So buddy I keep telling him, because I mean I've had he's actually had an uncle who's had died of cirrhosis. I've had an uncle that died of cirrhosis. I have an alcoholic mom. Runs in my family, and just I'm not I'm okay with you having a couple drinks, but just don't drown yourself in it.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

And don't make it consume your life.

SPEAKER_03 18:08

So you're still feeling like he's drinking too much?

SPEAKER_02 18:15

He's been better. He's trying. He's trying. So he already he says, I've already been to rehab, I know the steps to take. Me, alcohol's never really been an issue for me. And luckily, me and my sister, it's never really been an issue.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

When was the first time you tried drinking?

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Oh, I was probably 14. I think I had McGold night. That's what my parents would drink. In the garage. They'd always go out in the garage and smoke and drink. I remember definitely just being out there dancing while they're smoking and drinking.

SPEAKER_03 18:53

Did you ever get drunk or it was just never your thing? Never my thing.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

I don't think I ever really got drunk until actually I don't even remember. I was it was after high school. I'd I mean I went to party a couple parties in high school, but that really wasn't my thing either. So it's never really been my thing. Um I like to drink and have a good time, but I just I don't need it.

SPEAKER_03 19:22

I don't need it. So when you decided to have kids of your own, were you thinking anything that you wanted to do differently than you your parents did?

SPEAKER_02 19:36

I want them to grow up. Like I I mean, like I didn't. I want our marriage to work. I don't want them growing up in a yelling household, which is hard to do when they're little. Hard not to do when they're little. Um and I want them to grow up with some with some land, like just to run around. And right now we don't have that, but we're slowly making our way towards that. So um because I either I grew up on I don't know. I had friends to grow up that I was riding bikes and stuff with, but I've I was always kind of a little jealous of all my cousins up in this area that grew up on a farm and had land and can do all that stuff, so that's that's what I want my kids to have.

Why She Chose Nursing

SPEAKER_03 20:36

You could make a vision board, a house of some land, oh yeah, and then just relax and let it come to you. Yep. So when you decided to go into nursing, do you know why you decided to go into nursing?

SPEAKER_02 20:52

My well, first of all, what was I like 16 or 17? I was like, I'm gonna be a I'm gonna own my own bakery. I'm gonna be a meteorologist, I'm gonna be a vet, I'm gonna be a teacher. But I was really like trying all these other things, but I was like, I do not want to go into nursing because my cousins were going into nursing, and I don't want to be like them. Well, then I met my high school boyfriend, and his mom is a nurse. She still works at a nurse as a nurse, I think. And I don't know, something hit, but just like she influenced me, like, hey, and this is where I went to school, and so that's why I went to Minnesota State, Maine Cato, my first year. I was influencing, trying to get into the nursing program there. Um, that didn't work as we know now, but yeah, I would just say she influenced me to become a nurse, and I was like, okay. What about her? Did you like stuff? Just the way that she presented herself, and that she's like, I I'm home every night, which no, that's Not realistic in the nursing field, but she's like, I'm home every night, and then she, you know, provided for her family. Oh, and it was just it was interesting. And I've always been interested in trying to find out things or how the body works and stuff like that. But I also want I also love animals, I wanted to be in fat, I also love baking, but I'm not artistic, so I'm like, okay, that's out of the window. But yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

You're artistic, you just have to tap into it. Yeah, I'm creative.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

But I can't draw you a person or something for the life of me.

unknown 22:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:41

Same. I can't draw a straight line. No, I can't.

ER Adrenaline Then Burnout

SPEAKER_03 22:46

Not at all. So nursing is one of the most emotionally demanding jobs that there is. So how do you find that balance?

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Where I'm at right now in my career is not as emotionally challenging as it used to be.

SPEAKER_03 23:05

Um because you used to work in the ER. Was that?

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Yeah. I started off in working in the nursing home. Um, I was a nursing assistant, which was physically demanding, one of the hardest jobs. And then I became a nurse mentally demanding. I was like, I want to go to the hospital. Tried to go in the hospital, just work on a regular regular medical floor. Wasn't my thing, but it was my way into the hospital because I knew I wanted to work at Mercy. Because my my uncle who passed away, he was um going through stuff there for his heart and cancer, and I was just like, oh, this is a great hospital. I want to work here. So I started working there, and then one of my coworkers moved down to the ER, and I was like, oh, really? Every time something unexpected would happen for a patient, like I'd want to jump in. So I was like, oh, I didn't know I was an adrenaline junkie. Then I went to the ER. I was like, oh my gosh, I love this. Absolutely love it. And this was before I met my now husband. Um, before kids, I loved it. And I think after my second kid, that's when I was like, I I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't do anything. Like it's too much for your nervous system. Especially after having kids, I don't like taking care of sick kids. Um, I've seen my fair share of deaths, young and old, emotional. I've got hit by mental health patients, um, you know, verbally abused. It's just it's a lot. It takes a special person um to do it. Um I only work very minimal there now. Um, but I needed a change. And so I started in more of a controlled environment, more procedural stuff, and I get a lot more thank yous than FUs, um, a lot more smiles, and people are much happier, and I don't take my work home with me anymore.

SPEAKER_03 25:26

I think it's so hard for people when they're stuck in a job to realize that that's a change that they could make that could change their mental health. We just feel like we have to be where we're at, and especially if we're good at it in the beginning, or we like it in the beginning, it's like, okay, there's something wrong with me, I need to figure out how to like it again, where just making that change can change the whole projectory of your life.

Self Care With Music And Nature

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Oh yeah. And that was around I mean, the same time as I was going through my suicidal uh thoughts and stuff, and it's like I need to make this change and this change, and now it's almost been a year and I am definitely much happier than it was.

SPEAKER_03 26:13

So when you are stressed out at work or with the kids, what do you do for yourself now? Like what are the things that make you feel whole and rejuvenated?

SPEAKER_02 26:25

I don't have as much free time as I used to have because I used to work three 12-hour shifts a week and have one day to myself where the kids would go to daycare and I would do whatever. I don't really get that anymore. And so I cherish those days that I do. Um I'll get, you know, I'll get facials, pedicures, I'll go get my hair done, um, massages. So I do take care of myself. I've been eating healthier. Um but a lot of it is music. If I'm going through a rough part, like at home with the boys, I'll do have them do whatever and I'll just put on music. Also helps me clean the house too. But yeah. Music and being outside or just looking outside at the birds, and I I have two cats and two dogs too, which I love. My husband doesn't really love them all, but I'm such a huge animal lover. I would start a rescue in an instant. I would rescue all the animals in an instant, but I know I can't. So I mean, I got my I got my animals. I got my pets to lean on.

Learning To Self Soothe And Slow Down

SPEAKER_03 27:57

So well, I'll have to introduce you to Katie Joe. Well, he's Brad's girlfriend. So maybe uh you saw her at the work Christmas party we're at together, but she's an animal person too, and she needs to do something with animals at some point. I keep pushing her. Um but yeah, music. Oh my gosh, it can get me out of a mood. I finally have like a a playlist made of like when you're in a mood, like play this playlist. Otherwise, again, when I'm living in like I like to call hell realm when my mind keeps looping over the same problem. Um when I'm in hell realm, I like can't think straight enough to even listen to music. But um lately I've been a little bit better at it. And Veda, I haven't even told you about this yet, but um this week I it was um something happened and I was just like kind of freaking out, not too bad, but I was in the hell realm, just like looping. And um I uh am reading this book called Think Indigenous about um being out in nature more is a big theme of it. And so I finally like just walked out down to the river and took three deep breaths and um like self-soothe myself for the very first time. Like I went back up to my house and I was like completely back to my normal self. I was like, this situation is just fine, there's nothing wrong with it, something good will come out of it. And I ended up telling Katie Joel that I've never been prouder of myself, that I was able to self-soothe for the first time like in my life, get myself back to my nervous system back to like a normal level without any outside things happening. And that was cool. And then, like honestly, within a couple minutes, um, I got a phone call and the situation like fixed itself.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

It's hard to self-soothe.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

It is but once you can do it, I mean sometimes I just I need to when I'm so overwhelmed and so stimulated, yeah. Um, like because for some reason working in the ER never really over-stimulated me that much. But having screaming kids and TV blaring and people talking left and right definitely overstimulates me. I just need to go to a quiet place and do some stretches or take a deep breath or just step outside and then I'll be okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:37

Yeah, because our brains have not caught up to this overstimulation that we have because 20 years ago, 30 years ago, it was always you were just outside and barely had the TV on and didn't have podcasts to listen to and music and all the things. But um, yeah, even this morning, I did not get up out of bed as early as I wanted to to get my workout and everything. But I like promised myself that if I trusted the process and went moved as slow as possible instead of like rushing, getting ready to get here, and then ended up being so perfect because you wrote me that you were gonna be 15 minutes late. And honestly, I was like, like, this is the universe rewarding me for slowing down, you know, and the Veda was a little bit late too, so it all worked out.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

I had just worked out. I was like, oh yeah, okay, yeah, more time to like write into it.

Spiritual Seeking And The Alpha Group

SPEAKER_03 31:27

Like, and I literally had that conversation with God. I was and the universe. I was like, I'm gonna trust you in this to go as slow as possible. And then I got to make a nice breakfast, like I told you, I brought you back. I'm like, yeah, no, I won't be eating the bar as fast as I can. I'm gonna like actually make an egg, and it was it was a beautiful morning. And so all of us together had uh this nice synchronicity. Nice. Okay, so getting into spirituality, you said that you're trying to find what works for you. So was there a specific moment or experience that made you start seeking something bigger than yourself? Um, I never so I I grew up I grew up Catholic and then And going to church every Sunday or Mass. Is that what it's called? Is Catholic called Mass?

SPEAKER_02 32:21

My mom grew up Catholic, so she wanted to raise us Catholic, and we didn't go every Sunday. Um I had my first communion and then somehow I think I remember the priest found out my mom was divorced and was not for it.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

You weren't like weren't allowed to go? They're not for divorce.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

Yeah, it's a big no no. It's a big no-no.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

So you can't go in the building. That's the wildest thing I've ever heard. I can't believe I didn't know.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

So we really didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

Like let's just let's deny people for being human. Yeah. Cause people could get divorced for any amount of reason, like verbal abuse.

unknown 33:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

I know. I really don't know a whole lot of details because I didn't really ask my mom a lot of diesel details, but I remember her saying that. And really didn't. And then when my mom got into uh when my mom got uh went to rehab, she started going to this church in Cambridge called New Hope Community Church. And that really influenced her and she brought me with a lot, but I just never I never felt this. I don't know, this I know something is out there, but I just don't know what. And I've always struggled with it. Um but I whenever I'm in nature, I feel like overpowered. Nature is my thing. I I love to go deer hunting, and when I'm just sitting in a deer stand, it's just like just everything coming down on me, and then you can think in your own thoughts, and I just I know something is there, but I just don't know what. Um my mom now works for that church. Um and she's tried to in the past force me to believe in what she believes, and I'm like, mom, you can't force people, you can't force people, and so I I still try. I went to um me and my husband went to a group called it's called an alpha group. Um it's about trying to figure out Jesus and God and everybody's perspectives coming in in different avenues. Um so that kind of that like really helped open up my mind. Um but I I just I don't know. I like I I still don't know and I feel like I'm being pushed in different ways and I know there's something, but I just don't know what to call what to call it. Um but my husband, whenever some some coincidental things happen, he's like, that's God speaking. That's God speaking. I'm like, I didn't really think about that. He's like, God's what really put us together that one night. Um God's the reason why our first son was born on his birthday. Like um, but I just I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 35:59

Well, I'm glad that that experience didn't push your mom away completely from religion. And if anybody ever wants to come on and defend Catholicism, I would love that and I would love to learn more about it. Um, but yeah, that's interesting that you said you feel pushed in different directions because I think being pulled in would be a much better feeling than being pushed. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

I haven't really had that aha moment that a lot of people claim that they have.

SPEAKER_03 36:32

Um where did you find this alpha group at?

SPEAKER_02 36:38

Um my in-laws suggested it to us, and all the way down, all the way down on Anoka we went for two months. Is it on Sundays or it was during a weeknight. It was during a weeknight.

SPEAKER_03 36:52

How many people go?

SPEAKER_02 36:56

30? 30, 40, but just kept talking about and they're talking about Jesus and God.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

Do you know what different things they're talking about than any mainstream religions? It just helps you um take it into perspective.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

Like it started from the beginning, like um Jesus was born, and then um how he died, and there's videos that help you um kind of relate to it. They're they're on YouTube also.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

Do they say that they're non-denominational?

SPEAKER_02 37:38

It's uh yes, it's they're non-denominational, yeah.

unknown 37:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:42

Awesome. Yeah, I'll look into that. So yeah, just being open though, I think um I am definitely open. I'm not closed off.

SPEAKER_02 37:52

I don't go to church every Sunday. Still don't, I mean. But when I whenever I do go to church, I feel good after. And they it's a community church, and so they um have worship songs before and after. And I feel something every single time. Sometimes I cry and I don't know why I'm crying. So I know something is trying to pull me in that, in that way. But there's you know, days where like hey, I don't really want to go, and now it's not as easy for me to just jump and go to church. I gotta gather the kids and all that stuff too. So some days it's really hard, but it's not like a big priority. It's not a big priority in my husband's life either. But if I think the more we go, the more be better because I mean we're happier after. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:06

Yeah, and I love that your husband talks about that with the signs. Like, as soon as I started writing down synchronicities that were happening in my life, I started writing down so many more. Like I would say, like 10 a day, like the same words over and over again. Or um, I don't even know how to explain it because they're like so personal, and um other people might think like it's stupid, but it's like how I follow the path of how I live my day, and um that keeps me happy and in a good place, and at the end of the day, feeling like okay, like I'm doing the right things.

unknown 39:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

Um, so if the version of you from 10 years ago could see you now, what do you think she would think?

SPEAKER_02 39:52

That I've accomplished what I w wished for 10 years ago. A house, a career, husband and kids. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:05

Are you as happy as you thought you would be accomplishing those things?

SPEAKER_02 40:11

Yes and no. You I mean, things can always be better. Things are never ever gonna be perfect. But I am very grateful that I do have what I have. I knew I wanted to go into nursing because I knew I was gonna be able to just I like live comfortably. I know I wasn't gonna be rich, I know I wasn't gonna be poor, um, but I was able to, you know, afford a house by myself. Um and so I I did that after about a two years of working as a nurse. Bought a house. Um then a year later I met my now husband and the only thing I would have done differently is we had we got pregnant before we got married, but we were engaged, so I'm trying to make it okay. But then everything, you know, it just all planned out and everything just worked out just fine. Um, so when I was 22, I was going to school and I was like, yeah, I I mean I do want to have a family, I want to have a house and a career. And so I mean, that's where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_03 41:27

Okay, so now we're at the segment where I reveal to you how people see you. So last week I asked you to give me names and numbers of people I could reach out to that know you well, and I asked them to describe you in six or seven adjectives, and I put those words in the themes, and I do this because I think we're just really bad at appreciating the good things about ourselves that other people appreciate in us. You know, why are we walking around just like not thinking the best of ourselves?

SPEAKER_02 41:55

So especially me when I think a lot about others and I take care of others and then Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to learn to take care of myself better, but yeah, you know, that's what I do for a living. I take care of my family, I take care of people at work. I'm just I'm a caregiver, and that caregiver fatigue really really is a true thing too.

SPEAKER_03 42:18

How did you pick these people? Like, are they mostly friends, family, a mix? Both.

unknown 42:27

Yeah.

Money Habits And A Better Relationship

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Both okay. Well, not surprising, your first word is compassionate, because three people said compassionate. Two said loving and caring, big-hearted, sensitive, nurturing, kind, selfless, considerate, and hospitable. So perfect for being a nurse and a mother. And your second word is strong because you were described as strong, strong-willed, self-confident, courageous, proud, calm under pressure, dedicated, and hardworking. Third word is perceptive, because you're analytical, intelligent, thoughtful, detail-oriented, direct, honest, and two people said creative. And fourth is uplifting because you're encouraging, inspiring, inspirational, supportive, two people said loyal, and also patriotic. And fifth is vibrant. Two people said you're beautiful and you're funny, energetic, and friendly. And two words that didn't fit in any of the themes were vulnerable. So you got a little bit of that, and tardy. Your synopsis is you don't just open the door, you make people feel like they were always supposed to walk through it. Your mind is a quiet fire, it sees everything and misses nothing. You don't ask people to believe in themselves. Just love them until they do. Strong enough to hold the room, soft enough to hold the person. So please remember: you are not these words, you are not these thoughts. You are the space between the words, the space between the thoughts. You're the one who knows you have thoughts, observe them, reflect on them, but no you are not them. So what do you do right now that you hope your grandkids when they're your age do?

SPEAKER_02 44:32

Uh have a career. I want them to definitely, or at least if it's not a career, a job which they love, and they'll stay out for a while. Um, I don't want them to do something just to get by. I want them to be able to love what they do while also providing for themselves and their future family.

SPEAKER_03 44:57

Yeah, have a purpose. And maybe you're saying not be reliable on anybody, but correct. Yeah. Love that. And what do you do right now that you hope that your grandkids don't do when they're your age?

SPEAKER_02 45:10

Um, I hope they learn to manage money better. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 45:17

Which I am trying, but you know. Things here, things there, things there. Oh, you can put that on the credit card. Sure. I'm definitely uh way better than my husband at managing money. Because I do all the bills and stuff, but still I I need guidance. And so I hope they they you know, maybe learn to invest or just don't be in as a lot of debt. Schooling is okay, school debt's fine, because I I mean I still have student loans I'm paying on. But if you're gonna go to school, make sure that you're gonna do it for the right reasons. Or if you're you know, if you're gonna go in debt, make make sure obviously you're doing it for the right reasons.

SPEAKER_03 46:13

Well, my favorite book that I've read this year, top two favorite books, um, is called Happy Money by Ken Honda, and it's the Japanese art to spending money, and it talks all about how money is currency and it's supposed to flow. And like if you are scared every time that you spend money or mad every time you spend money, um, it's never gonna come back to you because you're putting that energy with it. And um, money doesn't want to come to a scared, back to a scared person, really. It talks about like there's like four or five different types of spenders, and that is developed in your childhood by how you watch your parents. And like, if you watch your parents like spend money like crazy, that can make you either spend money like crazy or you'll do the opposite. Or like if your parents don't spend any money, same thing, it'll make you spend like crazy because you're like, my parents didn't live their lives, or it might make you hold on to money even more. So it goes through these types, but the basic part of it is that money is supposed to flow, and the thing I got the most out of it is when you spend money like on something even that you have to like try and find a way to be positive about it and happy about it. And I think this is the book, maybe this isn't the book that asked that question, but maybe it is. Um, but one of my favorite questions to ask people is if money was a person and it walked into the room right now, what would your relationship to that person be? And I've heard a lot of people say, like, oh, it's the enemy, it's bad. Well, if you think money is bad and evil, it's never gonna come to you. It you're gonna subconsciously push it away for the rest of your life. So be careful thinking that it's evil. And obviously, we shouldn't worship money or prioritize it above other things. There's uh, of course, a healthy balance, but yeah, 10 out of 10 recommend that book. So I'm glad you brought that up. And I'm so glad that you came on. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 48:08

Me too.