Your Friend Stops Inviting You Places | Scenarios

This week on The Honest Pause, we’re talking about one of the quietest forms of heartbreak in adulthood:

Realizing your friend stopped inviting you.

No dramatic fight.
 No big confrontation.
 Just:

• fewer texts
• inside jokes you weren’t there for
• plans you found out about later
• and the strange feeling of slowly disappearing from someone’s life in real time

In this episode, we unpack the emotional complexity of friendship shifts and why being excluded can feel so painful — even as adults.

We talk about:

• Adult friendship grief
• Social rejection and belonging
• Growing apart vs being intentionally excluded
• The anxiety spiral of “Did I do something wrong?”
• Group dynamics and changing priorities
• Outgrowing friendships
• Friendship insecurity in adulthood
• Why people often avoid hard conversations
• The loneliness of feeling left behind

This episode is for anyone who has ever:

• seen photos from plans they weren’t invited to
• felt weird asking why
• pretended not to care when it hurt deeply
• or questioned their worth because a friendship changed

Because friendship heartbreak is still heartbreak.
 Even when nobody talks about it like it is.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome to The Honest Pause. I'm Carol Rothri, actress, intuitive coach, and your co-host for Real Meaningful Conversations.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

And I'm Miriam Tyree, entrepreneur, business strategist, and your partner in navigating life's ups and downs.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Here we talk about what happens when you hit pause, when we reflect and embrace the messy beauty of life.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

So whether you're here to reflect, recharge, or just have a good laugh, we've got you covered. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

This has happened to me, and I know it's happened to others, where um, you know, you have a group of friends or you know, work associates, whatever, and there's invites that go around um for different things, and all of a sudden you notice those invites have sort of slowed down, and you're not really being included anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

I have been her.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Have you yeah, you I know you've been there. Well, I think everybody has been there.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

There was a recent news story about Ashley Tisdale, this actress who Oh, I played her mom in a show. Really?

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Yeah, we did um Hellcats.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Well, she um posted, I think, a magazine article about how she felt excluded and uninvited from a friend group, and it made big headlines.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

And there's a lot of controversy. A lot of people say that she, you know, she was the problem, and that's why she wasn't invited. But, you know, of course, there's back and forth, and there's two sides to every story, but this is something that is not uncommon. That's so and social exclusion hurts a lot more than I think many people admit.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I agree. I think it would. I and I and I'm gonna speak from how it affected me when I go back to being you know younger and growing up. So for somebody who works in the film industry, somebody who's very extroverted, as I as I am, I'm really not. I consider myself an extroverted introvert because I'm really quite private and and um because my my life is constantly social. And if I'm going on different um conventions, you're constantly, you know, being around and social, and and I love every second of it. Don't get me wrong, I love every second of it. But then sometimes one just needs to go, I gotta regroup. So, and this has been even as a kid, pardon me, where I would get invites to things and I would go, okay, yeah, okay, I'm gonna do it. And then I would say, you know, to my grandmother, oh, I don't know, I'm I'm not gonna go. I'm not gonna go. Why don't you want to go? And I'd say, Oh, I just no, and so I found, and as an adult, I would say, yes, I'm going to do something, and then something would come up. And now, of course, with my daughter and and her life, and I do have to sometimes cancel different things. But I think what happens is when, and I speak for myself, and if somebody else can agree, you know, this suits you, or if slot you can fit into the slot, this is what happens. Sometimes friends or social, you know, um acquaintances will stop inviting you because you stopped going yourself, or you're always busy. So you then you're wounded because you think, oh, I didn't get invited to that. But then you look back and you go, Oh my gosh, I was invited to that, but I had to cancel because my daughter was in a hockey tournament. Oh, I was invited to that, but oh, I remember my bot, I was just exhausted. If you keep saying no, then you don't know what the other your friends are thinking or what that other circle of people are thinking. They're like, oh well, you know, so-and-so's pretty busy. Well, just they just stop inviting. So sometimes you have to look at, well, what am I contributing or not contributing that warrants me not getting an invite? Does that happen to you?

SPEAKER_00 4:25

A hundred percent. I think there's it's kind of both things that we're talking about here. And I think it's important to acknowledge that human beings are like we're communal community-based creatures. Like we are wired for belonging and connection and like being in this like village. We're not we're social beings, we're not meant to be on our own. And so, social rejection in any way it feels like very real emotional pain. And so I think when we feel excluded or rejected by other people, it really makes us not just like question those people, but like ourselves. So, did I do something wrong? Am I annoying? Did they dislike me? And was I included for the wrong reasons before? I think there's a couple facets of this, which is one, like did you do something? Two, are these just not your people? And three, like adult relationships and friendships change over time. And sometimes, and I've had to learn this in a very painful way, that sometimes friendships in adulthood can fade without like a clear conversation in a very different way than like a romantic relationship. And the reasons that friendships can shift or change is life stages, relationships, distance. I've moved across the country and some of my friends maintained our relationship and friendship long distance, and for some that just wasn't a thing for them, and that was really painful for me. Um but I do think it's it's important to recognize that like there are reasons and seasons for all the relationships and the connections and the friendships in our lives. And unlike a romantic relationship where we might say, Okay, our relationship is over. That doesn't always happen with friendships, right? You might just not get invited to things in the same way for a myriad of reasons.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Yeah, absolutely. I just it made me think I had um, and we're still friends to this day, we've been friends for a very long time. It's not a really like we see each other all the time because you're like you're saying, there's distance. But I remember I was going through this period and he would would be sharing different things, and he was uh pardon me in a period of growth, and he and his wife were doing different things, and and we would always we were always in contact. And and I remember at one point I went, oh my gosh, I feel like there's I can't, I'm not able to contribute to this friendship right now. I was like, oh, he's he and his wife got they have so much going on, and I at that point things were different. I, you know, was um I was still working, but my focus was on, you know, raising my daughter. And so it was just that we were in a period of shift. And at one point, not because of me, but I did it because I felt the need to give him the opportunity to not have to still. I mean, it's I I'm not explaining it, but it's like I wanted him to know he didn't have to keep having to reach out. And I said, you know, you have so much to contribute. And we, you know, in our conversation, and I love being here for you, but I kind of feel like I'm not able to reciprocate in that I feel like I don't have the same things to give back. And it was interesting. And he took that and then he phoned and he said, You know, I just said to another friend of mine, I think one of my really good friends just broke up with me as a friend, like it was a friend breakup. And I went, Well, I didn't think of it as a friend breakup, I was trying to give you the space, and it was and we were both like, no, stop, because everything shifts, and there's going, it's like anything. It's in a relationship, it's in work, it's in school. There's always that constant give and take, growing, falling back. Um, there's always various shifts in whatever the relationship might be, including family relations. Um, and I was trying to, I felt like I not good enough or I didn't have enough to contribute, so I wanted to spare him. And he was hurt because wait a minute, we've been friends for so long. Why would you do that? It's been resolved and and it's in a really great place, but that was another thing that made me think when when I when this topic came up, is that sometimes we do it ourselves thinking the best for another person. Does that make sense? To like release them.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

A hundred percent. And I think like a pro or con of this situation is like in the in the in the olden days, over a hundred years ago, before social media and all these things, like social media makes exclusion very visible. So, like before, maybe you didn't know about the plans. Now there's like an Instagram story and group photos and like all of this stuff. And so there's a comparison, and you know, I I think while it may be true that some of these shifts and changes like you're talking about are malicious or like they just don't like you, you don't want everybody to like you. And if someone doesn't like you, I'm like, go, like they can go away. The people I think that are meant to be in your life will walk and move towards you. But there are nuances here that sometimes people just get busy or become closer to other people and it is unintentional. I will say I've had some situations where this has been there's one person in particular in my life that I am not close with anymore that is very painful emotionally for me, but that's on me. Like that's on me. Um and you know, I think oftentimes if you you mentioned this at the beginning, and I think it's really important. And I actually heard this on a podcast is like if you keep saying no, people are gonna stop inviting you. And oftentimes I will say, when we feel excluded, and I will speak for myself, when I have felt excluded, I might like over-analyze or over-text or try to like understand what's going on, but that doesn't ever make it better. Um I think it is appropriate and okay to feel grief and hurt, and friendship grief is really real. Making friends as adults is so hard. It is so hard. Is it? I think in many cases it can be. Um especially if you move or do different things. Oh gosh, yeah, that's true, you know, and like finding your people and new people. Um you know, I I naturally drifted apart from some friends who didn't have kids because my life is kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids right now, 24-7. I used to be very involved in certain hobbies of mine that I would like actively spend multiple hours a week doing, and I just don't have the time to do those things right now. Or the energy. Or in my life, I just don't have the bandwidth. And so the people that I know through those specific situations, I am not as close with because I'm not doing those things as often. And as sad as that is for me, it's just not where I'm at right now. And so I think it's like be kinder to yourself, understand that these friendship shifts can feel so personal, and really look at like, is this this malicious thing that you need to address with communication? Or is this just like maybe these aren't your people anymore? And that's okay. And I think I have some friends that I've had since childhood. I have had some friends that I've been friends with for 20 years, and I have some friends that like I've known for three years, and there's like a spread, and some people you stay friends with and some people you don't. And it it is hard. Like, I don't think we talk about these friendship breakups and these shit as adults, yeah. As adults in the same way, because again, it's not like we're dating and uh you're only dating me, right? It's it's not we don't have those conversations always. I have I have this friend who I really, really adore, but like I never see her and we don't hang out because she doesn't have kids and she doesn't want to do kids stuff with me, which I totally respect. But it just means like I have to be really intentional about my time and when I can spend time with her and the way that we spend time together.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Um and you make that time, like you do for you.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

But we don't spend, you know, I think as much time together as either of us would like, right? Um, I really want to learn mahjong. And I keep trying to join this freaking mahjong group to learn mahjong, but I just like I just said to the group like, don't invite me anymore because I will, I can't, like, I can't, I can't right now. Like, I don't have the bandwidth, and like I I kind of got to the point where it's like I want to be in this group, but I can't be in this group, so don't invite me.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

And exactly, so you're giving them permission, and it's not that you don't want to, it's just we also have to factor in the time we have and and priorities that I can't like I just can't right now, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

And I think that's like a hard personal thing to kind of also accept, right? It's like you're like, oh, I really want to do this, I have to be honest with myself. Can't do it right now.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Isn't it interesting, especially with that's you know, with oops, I almost my knocked the mic off. Um, where I would watch, you know, my daughter grow up and the friendships and uh the hurts and all of that with with the friendships. And I just find it fascinating that it doesn't matter the age, it's the same. It's the same, it's not going to change. No, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Well, we hope that you can find connection and community and give yourself some some patience and some grace with this because you know it feels really awful when your friend stops inviting you to things. It like regardless of the reason, it like fewer texts or things you're not there for. There's like real grief there, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:34

So and don't be afraid to discuss it with them either. Like reach out and say, hey, this is how I'm feeling, pardon me, and then go from there.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Absolutely, absolutely, like open communication, and and you get to decide if you want to communicate about this or if it's just better to like take a step back. Like, there's so many different ways to handle these situations.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Ultimately, like you get to decide how you want to, and there's always room to learn mahjong another time.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

One day, there you go. One day, I'm gonna come back, and all of you are gonna be like, she learned mahjong. Maybe not, maybe it's gonna be 10 years until I learned mahjong. I was thinking about it today, too. It's like so timely that this came up. I was like, Oh, I really need to text someone to teach me mahjong. And I'm like, if I look at my calendar and I'm like, okay, so in August, I have time in August for Mahjong, yeah. Something's gonna come up, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:34

It's crazy, you know, going slow.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Yeah, I just one last point. I will say there there was a period in my life for about like, I feel like it was like five months, where it was like kids' stuff and this, and it was like in one day, I think like my dishwasher broke and the sprinklers broke, and I cracked a tooth, and I was just like, there was a period of my life where I was like, I can't commit to anything right now, and I understand that I'm not I'm gonna lose some friendships over this, but I was like so much like immediate family stuff was going on that I was like, I have to take a step back, and so I acknowledged, I was like, I'm not gonna be able to do any of this stuff. So recognize also where you're at in your life when it comes to this stuff. That can be really hard too.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Exactly. And don't be afraid to own it. So on that note, Miriam sent me these um, my positive pickle. So I've just pulled a pickle. For those of you who don't know, I'm obsessed with pickleballs, so she sent me a bunch of pickleball stuff. And so the thought today is I have the power to create the life I envision for myself through persistence, focus, and determination.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

There you go. Thank you, Mr. Pickle. Thanks for spending time with us today. We do hope you're feeling inspired, entertained, or at least had a moment to breathe.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

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SPEAKER_01 18:33

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SPEAKER_00 18:41

And hey, if you're interested in working with us or you just want to chat, all the details are there as well.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

We'll see you next time. And remember, you are never too busy to take a pause.