How to Set Boundaries

Have you ever agreed to something you didn't want to do simply because you didn't want to disappoint someone?

Do you answer work emails long after your day has ended? Feel guilty saying no to friends or family? Worry that setting boundaries will make you seem selfish, difficult, or uncaring?

If so, you're not alone.

In this episode of The Honest Pause, we're taking a pause to explore one of the most talked-about—and most misunderstood—concepts in modern life: boundaries.

Boundaries aren't about shutting people out or building walls. They're about understanding your limits, communicating them with honesty, and creating healthier relationships with yourself and the people around you. Yet for many of us, setting boundaries feels uncomfortable because we've spent years prioritizing other people's needs, avoiding conflict, or believing that our worth is tied to always being available.

Together, we discuss:

• What boundaries actually are (and what they aren't)
• Why saying "no" can feel so difficult
• The connection between boundaries, people-pleasing, and burnout
• How to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed
• Setting boundaries with family, friends, coworkers, and romantic partners
• Why healthy boundaries often strengthen relationships instead of hurting them
• Practical phrases you can use when setting boundaries without overexplaining
• How to stop feeling guilty for protecting your time and energy
• The role technology plays in making boundaries harder than ever
• Why some people may resist your boundaries—and why that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong

We also reflect on questions like:

• Why do we often feel responsible for other people's emotions?
• How do childhood experiences shape the boundaries we have as adults?
• What's the difference between being kind and being a people-pleaser?
• How do you know when it's time to protect your peace instead of keeping everyone else happy?
• What would your life look like if you stopped saying yes out of obligation?

Whether you're learning to leave work at work, navigating complicated family dynamics, creating healthier friendships, or simply trying to reclaim a little more time for yourself, this conversation offers encouragement, practical ideas, and a reminder that boundaries are an act of self-respect—not selfishness.

Take a pause with us as we explore why every healthy "no" creates space for a more meaningful "yes."

In this episode, we mention:

• People-pleasing
• Burnout and emotional exhaustion
• Healthy communication
• Work-life balance
• Family relationships
• Friendship dynamics
• Emotional labor
• Self-care vs. self-sacrifice
• Managing guilt
• Setting expectations
• Mental well-being

Join the Conversation

What's one boundary you're working on right now?

Share your thoughts with us on Instagram @thehonestpause or leave a comment wherever you're listening. We'd love to hear your experiences and continue the conversation.

If you enjoyed this episode, consider following The Honest Pause, leaving a rating and review, and sharing this episode with someone who could use permission to protect their time, energy, and peace.

Because sometimes the most loving thing you can say—to yourself and to others—is simply, "That doesn't work for me."

Thanks for taking an Honest Pause with us. 💜

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome to The Honest Pause. I'm Carol Rothri, actress, intuitive coach, and your co-host for Real Meaningful Conversations.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

And I'm Miriam Tyree, entrepreneur, business strategist, and your partner in navigating life's ups and downs.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

Here we talk about what happens when you hit pause, when we reflect and embrace the messy beauty of life.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

So whether you're here to reflect, recharge, or just have a good laugh, we've got you covered. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

So our little chat today. And uh lots of tears, right? You you see them, and it's like, oh my gosh, did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? You know, I I I look at her behavior today. Okay, she's turning into a lovely young woman. And one of the things that I was adamant about, and I had a conversation with another friend about this just the other day, is that when she was younger, even as a little one, I constantly instilled in her that we have boundaries. And I said, You have to remember, honey, growing up, it's okay that we have boundaries. And I explained what that was all about, and that boundaries are a good thing. Boundaries are healthy because you know what you will and will not deal with or accept. So I I I just wanted to maybe further that. Like, let's talk about actual boundaries because I'm finding a lot of especially adults that didn't, you know, older adults let's say, or or even you know, younger people who didn't grow up with that, they never learned it and how it it can affect so many, so many things. One's physical being, one's mental, emotional, all of that, and the importance of boundaries, and how it should not be reflected as because there's a stigma, I think. Oh, it's a boundary, you can't go beyond this. It doesn't, it's not a bad thing, it is a good thing, it is healthy and necessary, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Yes, I think most people are not taught what boundaries are, whether it's setting a boundary or respecting a boundary. Yes, and I think also most people don't actually understand what boundaries are, or they think that they know what a boundary is, but it's wrong. And there I think there's a lot of like, oh, this is a boundary. So a lot of people I think think a boundary is a rule that you put on other people to change. So like, do not yell at me is not a boundary, or if you do that again, I will scream at you. That's actually more of a threat. A boundary is something that protects what like you or I will do. So I will not be checking my work emails on the weekend, or if you are going to yell at me, I'm going to leave the room. It is the actions that you will take and the things that you are comfortable with because we cannot change or control other people.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

You cannot, you can only control yourself, and boundaries are so necessary. And it is, it's simply you're not you're not saying anything to the other person other than hey, you can do that, but here's this is hard and fast. This is my boundary. I'm not going to accept that. And if you want to behave that way, that's entirely up to you. But I will remove myself because I'm not going to subject myself to this, whatever it is. That is just knowing who you are and where you're at. And no, I respect myself enough. I like myself enough that that is a no, that is not happening.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Totally. I think most people are like, come to a place of boundaries like, so let's say you have like a friend or a mother-in-law or somebody who's behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable or really affects you. People are like, oh, I need a boundary because I need these people or this situation to change. That is not a boundary because no matter what we want other people to do, it doesn't matter because a boundary doesn't have a requirement of those other people. You cannot require or force or make people or situations to change. A boundary is about what you or I do to take care of our needs. And it is what we will do if despite you know our best efforts or despite the things that we do, you know, a situation isn't necessarily good for us. I think boundaries matter in so many different ways, but most of us can't set boundaries if we don't know our values or what's important to us or what is and isn't okay for us. I think a lot of people, and I've had to do a lot of work around this is what matters to me, what am I okay with? What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do?

SPEAKER_02 5:55

And for a lot of people, um, you know, they'll say, I don't know how to do that. I I don't know how to set the boundaries because I'll see those type of people and and it's their self-worth. It's like, well, if I set this boundary, if I say no to this or no, well, then that they're not gonna like me anymore. So maybe I'll just maybe I'll just loosen up that boundary. I think you have to realize you it's all about self-worth. You don't need to break a boundary because you want somebody to like you, or break a boundary because, oh, well, you know, that's my employer, or break a boundary. Well, it's a family member. How can I set up a you know a boundary with my family members? But it is your right as an individual, you can still love somebody. That but that's the thing. Don't think of boundaries as it's it's like you know, uh, it's not this horrible built. Well, it is built in stone or whatever you choose to do it, but you can still love somebody dearly, a family member, a really great friend that you love and admire and respect, but you still have the right to say, I love you, but what you just said, that's my boundary, and I'm not going to accept that. I think you need to like take some time, think about what it is you're saying, and we can revisit this later. There's no harm in saying that.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

One scenario that you just made me think of that I feel like comes up a lot with our clients is holidays. It doesn't matter what holiday it is, it could be Canada Day or the Fourth of July or Thanksgiving or Christmas or Rosh Hashanah, whatever it is, whatever you celebrate. Holidays can be wonderful and they can come with a lot of pressure. So maybe you're expected to, you know, attend a family gathering, or your family has traditions and they've always done things a certain way, or people are expecting you. And those can feel like high-stakes environments where you may not feel comfortable setting a boundary. And here's one thing that I will say most of the people that you are working on boundaries with are also gonna be adults. And you can set a boundary. So you can say something like, This year, you know, we're staying home for Thanksgiving to start some traditions with our own family. You that is you setting a boundary with other people and communicating that boundary, right? The other person, the person that you are telling that to, can be happy about that or sad about that, or angry about that, or disappointed about that. And when they feel angry or sad or unhappy, you might feel guilty. And you again, just like you cannot control them being like you have to be here for Thanksgiving, you cannot control how they respond when you set the boundary. And I have to say, you gotta hold strong because especially if you haven't communicated your boundaries before, people will push and test them.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

They will, and they'll also, I you made me think of this client. Um, you may have say a number of years not instilled a certain boundary. Why? Well, because it's your mother, or it's you know, it's whatever, it's a family member or a best friend, anything. It can be anything or anyone. In this particular situation, it was her mother, and she's always done things the way she does it, and you know, and uh this this client has children, and there's always been events, and you brought up an event of Thanksgiving. In her, in this person's um situation, it was a Christmas dinner, and the stress and all of this stuff was happening. And I explained, You you have a right, you know. Of course, you love your mom, and the respect is there, but you have a right to set boundaries, you have your own family, and you need to just address that. So finally, it was a real breakthrough for her because she managed to hold her ground, her boundary was in place, and of course, mother was just so wounded because it's it was a change for mother. So then the sister got involved and phoned my client. This is wrong. Why would you do that? You know, mom's always done it this way. We should be, should be, the shoulds, the shoulds. And my client held her ground and said, you know what, and I love that, but right now, the way things are, I have to have it, it's going to be done this way. And I'm not saying we're not going to do the event, the dinner, but it's going to be done this way because at this point in time with my family in situations, I need to have it done this way. So, of course, there was the drama. Bottom line, end of story, is that they did do the dinner. Mother was hurt. There were little, you know, side comments, you know, throughout. But she did it, and the mother was fine, and everything worked out. Yes, there was hurt feelings, but it's going to be that way. Nobody likes change.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Oh, change is it's hard. It is hard. And I will say, I gave this advice to someone who was asking about a holiday question, and I was like, you know, that person's an adult. They've been disappointed before. Like, they know how to handle disappointment, and like their disappointment isn't on you. So, like, yeah, it's not a good problem. Yeah. But I will say it takes a really self-aware person and a lot for you to have a lot of consciousness to be able to know what boundaries to set and to set them. And you may feel guilty setting them and you may feel bad. And it is a practical life skill that takes a lot of practice. Just like most things, boundary setting takes a lot of practice. And so it doesn't, I want to say it gets easier, but I'm not gonna lie to you because it doesn't. Like it just it evolves and changes in how it is. I will say you get better at doing it, but you again, you cannot control what other people are gonna say and do. And so you gotta just do what's best for you because at the end of the day, you're the only one living your life.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

And like, and like you were saying, you you you mentioned and then you you changed it, but mentioned that it doesn't get any easier. It actually does get easier because you realize that once you set them, oh my gosh, the world didn't end. Oh, it's okay. And you you find yourself in a better place, and it's just it's like anything, it's practice. The more you do it, you're just what what is the harm? You're just respecting yourself, you're respecting who you are, and you're not you're not doing anything to hurt another person. It's just this this is what works. So it does get easier. The first time is gonna be hard, like it, because we're so conditioned. Oh, I better not, I bet it's gonna hurt somebody's feelings. What about your feelings?

SPEAKER_01 13:17

And what about the life that you're living? Yeah, I I think at the end of the day, we only have one life, and this is a really, really hard thing to practice and start doing, but you can do it. And it may suck for a while, especially if you've not set, you know, communicated your boundaries with someone, and reactions are hard and emotional, and different boundaries will feel harder than others, right? Some communicating of boundaries will feel harder in certain situations than other situations, and there are some like great books and great resources on this, and you are right to own your own feelings and beliefs, and and I think get really curious and do the work on yourself, do the work on yourself to know. Are you saying yes to things when you should be saying no to avoid conflict? Are you feeling like you have to over-explain things? Are you being a victim to certain situations? I think there are also times where we set too rigid or strict boundaries that cause us to withdraw or have rigid and unrealistic rules.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

So there can be healthy and unhealthy boundaries, and ultimately boundaries can sometimes be complicated and lead to resentment or some other things like enmeshment. So boundaries take practice, boundaries take work, but we believe in you. You can do it. I've set some dumb boundaries before. I set good boundaries and bad boundaries, and it's practice. Yeah. All right, we'll see you on the next one.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Thanks for spending time with us today. We do hope you're feeling inspired, entertained, or at least had a moment to breathe.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

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SPEAKER_02 15:55

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SPEAKER_01 16:04

And hey, if you're interested in working with us or you just want to chat, all the details are there as well.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

We'll see you next time. And remember, you are never too busy to take a pause.