9. How the Nurtured Heart Approach Builds Stronger Kids, Families, and Self-Compassion

In this empowering and heart-centered episode of Nourished with Dr. Anikó, Dr. Anikó introduces a powerful parenting framework that transforms how we connect with our children and ourselves through radical love, clear boundaries, and intentional celebration.

Drawing from the Nurtured Heart Approach, Dr. Anikó explores how small but intentional shifts in attention and communication can help children (and adults) feel deeply seen, valued, and empowered. 

Far beyond traditional discipline, this approach centers on behavior inspiration rather than behavior management, allowing our children to grow into their best selves through consistent affirmation and connection.

Dr. Anikó explains how redirecting your energy from reactive parenting toward clear expectations, enthusiastic recognition of positive behavior, and low-drama responses to missteps can build emotional resilience, deeper connection, and healthier family dynamics.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating parenting, partnerships, or even their own inner child healing. It’s a reminder that love, clarity, and noticing the good is the foundation for change.

Episode Highlights:

• What the Nurtured Heart Approach is and why it’s more than a parenting method
• Why traditional discipline often fails to address the root of misbehavior
• The science behind ignoring negative behavior to reduce it
• How to affirm your child’s positive actions in real time
• The three "Stands" that form the foundation of this approach
• Why kids labeled with “attention issues” may not acting out
• How to collaborate with children on consequences they find fair

This episode isn’t just about parenting, it’s about human-ing with more compassion and emotional intelligence. Whether you're raising kids, building partnerships, or healing your own inner landscape, this conversation offers a beautiful blueprint for connection.

Connect with Dr. Anikó:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.aniko/

Website: https://www.draniko.com/

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Disclaimer:
The content of this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are those of the host and guests and do not substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the guidance of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you heard on this podcast.

Transcript

Dr. Anikó: [00:00:00] Hi y'all. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about something that's considered kind of a parenting method, but I think of it as more of a human-ing method that is definitely not limited to how we interact with children.

But it was developed in relationship to how we interact with children. And what I'm going to talk about today is something called the Nurtured Heart approach. And y'all may have heard of it already, and if you have, yay. I'm so excited [00:01:00] because it's not that commonly heard of. it was started by a therapist and an author.

His name is Howard Glasser and he wrote the book, Transforming the Difficult Child. I don't love the term difficult child, and I imagine if he were writing the book today, he might even change that, but it certainly gets to the heart, no pun intended of what sometimes can be a real struggle in terms of parenting is parenting a child that has behaviors that are difficult for the parent to manage, and maybe that is the better.

 Use of the word difficult is that it is hard for us. Our capacity for it is limited by so many different things and sometimes it's because that child's behavior reminds us of our own behavior. Maybe reminds us of [00:02:00] another attachment figure's behavior. Maybe a sibling or a parent or something like that.

 So it can be pretty complex. But like I said, I don't like calling any child difficult because they're not. They're all wonderful and sometimes we don't know the best way to handle all the situations, and that's where the Nurtured Heart approach can come in. And he describes it as behavior inspiration rather than management, which I love because it really describes that our intention is for this motivation to be cooperative or to organize your life better or um, to do your homework, or those kinds of things are really meant to come from within the person. So in this case, within the child. And the nurtured heart approach is really about clear communication and [00:03:00] delighting in your child and really finding all those moments to delight in your child.

And this to me dovetails really nicely with some of the other topics and some other episodes that I've had, which is that shifting your filter to notice the joys and the delights in your life. So that's exactly what we're doing here. But in regards to our children with the nurtured heart approach, and then also this radical love and acceptance of ourselves that I've talked about in other episodes.

And shifting that to that radical love and acceptance of our child, that even when the behavior is difficult for us to manage, we are still grounded in a place of deep love and celebration and true acceptance of our child. So we're not trying to manage anything, which is what some of the behavioral things, and I'm not saying they're not helpful.

There's a lot of wonderfulness and behavioral approaches, but [00:04:00] sometimes they're kind of just not the whole picture, so there's behavioral, there's somatic, right body responses to things, and then there's also that acceptance and love for the person that is in front of you.

Instead of trying to kind of mold them into somebody different, you're really trying to help yourself manage, whatever is difficult for you better. The main core pillars of the approach is something called the three stands, and they're basically three absolutes. So the first absolute is absolutely no energy given to negative behavior, right? Negative in quotes, right? So maybe a more nuanced. Description of that is behavior that is tough for us to deal with and may be tough out in the world.

So the child may have negative experiences as a result of these behaviors, right? And [00:05:00] so. That looks like not really giving any energy to what we don't want to happen. We have told our children it is not appropriate, for example, to hit me. That's a pretty clear one. Pretty universal. Um, And so if they do, you don't freak out about it.

And you don't also reject them, you just give it. A very boring response, right? You may just turn around and walk away, but not in a huffy way. Not in an abandoning way. You just drop what you're doing and just walk away and it's really boring. And every time they do that, every time they engage in that behavior, whatever it is.

You have that predictable, super boring, super low energy reaction because sometimes when you have a kid who's perhaps a dopamine seeker, for example, they're looking for that big response. Whether it's good or bad, it doesn't matter. You are still giving [00:06:00] them a dopamine hit, and it is not manipulation.

They are absolutely not conscious of it. It is just the way that they're wired. So when you stop giving the big response to the quote negative behavior, they stop seeking it in the same ways.

Now this requires you to have been really clear about the expectation previously, and clarity and expectations. We'll get to that 'cause that's one of the three stands, requires that you communicate to your child and confirm that they have understood this boundary. Because so often we get frustrated with our kids for not quote listening to us, and we have not taken the time and the energy to make sure that our communication is landing.

Especially again, kids that may not have the same attention span as other kids or maybe really physical. You really need to get up in their face, not [00:07:00] yell at them in any way, but this is not the kind of kid you're gonna sort of, you know, communicate across the room. They need physical touch, they need eye contact.

They need you to get to them on their level, kneel down, look them in the eye and say whatever it is you need to see. Right. Come put your shoes on, that kind of thing. some kids, you really need to pull them to the space where their shoes are. They don't even need the verbal as much as the physical existence of their shoes or their proximity to their shoes. And so often we write it off as, oh, they don't listen. They don't listen. But really we are not doing our part in making sure that we are communicating to them in a way that they can listen and that they do hear us, and I am as guilty of it as the next person.

Right. You wanna just like be in your chair and sort of like call out to the other side of the room or the other side of the house and be like, Hey. Go do this. And then they don't listen. They don't listen. They don't listen. And then by the time you get there, you're like, I [00:08:00] have told you four times.

and they just really haven't registered what you're saying, it's not that maybe they haven't heard you, but it hasn't gotten in and so one of our jobs as parents is to help set our kids' filters and also just navigate their filters and accept that's what works for them. You might have a kid who needs physical contact for them to really be present for you, for them to really be paying attention. Because what we do find with a lot of kids who have dopamine seeking behaviors, and a lot of kids that are looking again for that big response, that big reaction, they might even be labeled as having attention issues.

A lot of those kids actually have some anxiety stuff going on too. So their seeking of that big thing is in some ways a seeking for big connection.

And that brings us to our second stand, which is absolutely, yes. To [00:09:00] positive behaviors, right? A lot of energy given to those positive behaviors. Again, I don't love labeling things negative, positive, but for the sake of the conversation, just so we know what we're talking about, the things that are those prosocial behaviors that really get them what they truly want in life at the end of the day, which is connection. And so when you see your child being helpful or you see your child doing something loving or caring you notice that and depending on your kid, if you have a kid that loves big, then you give a big over the top, almost unreasonably great response to the good stuff.

 And there's a little bit more to this too. So when your kid doesn't hold the boundaries that you have clearly described to them, and you have clearly explained to them, You do not attribute [00:10:00] that to some kind of quality of theirs, right?

Again, you give that no energy. But if you do talk about it, you say, oh, we said not to hit, you, hit today. Sometimes that happens, right? But you don't say it's because yours, some kind of way. You don't describe it as an internal quality of theirs.

The exact opposite happens when the absolute yeses happen, right? When the absolute great things happen. So when you see your child cleaning up, you state what they just did. And then you tie it to a positive quality of theirs, right? So you cleaned up. I didn't even have to ask you to clean up. You are such a good, kind, helpful person. You already know what this family needs. You really pay attention. You're so caring, right? So I stated the thing that they did that was [00:11:00] awesome. And then I tied it to a positive quality of theirs. And in that way, they start building their story around all the delightful, wonderful things that they do. All the delightful, wonderful things about them.

And then the times that, the behavior is maybe not as pro-social, you're not saying that's because of you, that's just something you did. That's just a behavior. That's just something that happened.

 So in addition to not giving that, let's call it antisocial behavior, that's another big word. So there's no perfect word for this. Let's just say fine negative. When you don't give that negative behavior a lot of intensity and you give it a boring, predictable reaction, and you do not tie it to them as a person, they get to start building a narrative about themselves that they are a good, kind human being. That doesn't mean we don't make [00:12:00] mistakes, everybody makes mistakes, but that's just a mistake. It's not saying anything about you. And one of the things that I find so beautiful and also kind of heartbreaking when you start doing this is when you start noticing all of the amazing things your kid does. And realize that it has gone over your head or gone unnoticed so often.

You start to realize how hard they are really trying. So much of the time, they really are trying to get it right. They don't always get it right and when they don't get it right, they might get super frustrated. They might have an issue with managing their feelings. There's little, even adolescents, they do not have the brain development yet, and they don't have the life experience yet to be able to manage their emotions as effectively as adults.

 And I'll tell you what. I also know a lot of adults who can't manage their feelings. So the pressure we put on kids [00:13:00] sometimes and the expectations that we have for them are not only not age appropriate, but we also tend to call them out when they stumble instead of call them in when we see how hard they're trying and call them in when we see all their successes.

And I say that it's heartbreaking 'cause sometimes when you start you're like, gosh. I have not even been seeing my kid for the amazing human that they are. But the beautiful, wonderful thing is once you start shifting your filter, just like that episode where we talked about the reticular activating system, shifting your filter to seeing the joy, seeing the delight, seeing all the good stuff, and then as their parent, you get to start tying that into the story of who they are, which is a really good person.

Stand three is one that we already kind of talked about, which is the one about absolutely clear communication of expectations and [00:14:00] consequences. Now, this can be collaborative too, because you can ask your child, okay. What do you think are the expectations of this family after you have communicated them right?

 And then you can ask them if they've had consequences in the past. What have historically been the consequences of this family? And if you had your own family that you were in charge of, what do you think the consequences would be or should be? And. This can sometimes be just a fun conversation to have.

Maybe not always fun, but at least interesting. Sometimes it can really point you into a direction of better, more meaningful, and from the child's perspective, more fair consequences for an action. And I'll give you an example. In our family, a lot of times we will take something away as a consequence.

Again, very even tempered. And it turned out that the thing that we were choosing to take away was kind of a comfort [00:15:00] item for our child. And so it was having this sort of anxiety producing experience that we weren't intentionally creating. It just seemed like a reasonable consequence. And what our child suggested as a consequence was to take away time with a friend that she really adores and spends a lot of time with.

That's also a totally reasonable consequence. We just had never had the conversation with our child before about what a good consequence looks like and what would be an effective consequence for them. And since we started using this consequence. Things have been a lot smoother. Our child feels heard, and also your child is not gonna suggest a consequence that is really anxiety producing for them.

And unwittingly, we had created anxiety around this, and you can imagine that anxiety usually doesn't produce great behavioral results, right? Sometimes kids [00:16:00] push back and misbehave because they're so anxious about what's gonna happen, that they just lose it. So being collaborative about this is really powerful and can be really important.

And also like we talked about, communicating in a way that your child can understand and look, parenting is exhausting. It is nonstop. And so I get wanting to just sit on your chair and call over and get things done. It's not the best way and it's certainly not the most effective way to communicate, and it's not the most effective way to get the end result, which is a collaborative, cooperative family. Right.

The other thing that I think is really worth noting is that the nurtured heart approach is in no way limited to our kids and to parenting, right? Calling somebody in about something they've done that is supportive and kind and [00:17:00] helpful, and then saying, wow, you're a really great listener, or You are really loving. You're really attentive. That feels good no matter how old you are. And you know, when I started learning this approach and I started using it with my kids, I also started using it with my partner. And at First it was experimenting with it, and then it just became a way for me to see my partner through a filter of delight and from a place that's really loving. So it can kind of sound manipulative when you start talking about it this way, But if it comes from a place of love and being motivated by love and wanting to build more connection and appreciation for your partner, it is really a beautiful way to talk to each other, to see each other, to notice each other, and again, to call each other in instead of calling each other out.

Because we have a negative bias, of course, just because of how we're [00:18:00] wired. We're wired to notice the negative so that we don't do it again, right? We don't wanna step on the snake again. So we're really gonna remember that time we stepped on the snake and it bit us. We're wired for this.

but when we're only calling each other out, when the other person stumbles it. Is kind of a painful experience and you don't get seen for the full person that you are because most of us, I would say almost all of us, are really trying to do good. We're trying to do our best, and when we start being noticed, when we do our best, when we start being noticed for all the good that we do, it inspires us to do better more often.

So I hope this feels empowering and inspirational because it does really shift how you experience your loved ones. And in many ways how you experience yourself. It does require emotional management for [00:19:00] you, right? Because of course when you experience a negative behavior, especially something like being hit or being yelled at or something. It takes a lot of emotional regulation from us. The adult in the situation or even, with partners. It takes a lot of emotional regulation to not just lash back out when you're triggered or when something unpleasant happens. So you gotta do your own work, but it pays off so much, and at the end of the day, we're wanting to raise kids and be in the family.

Where everybody feels loved for who they are. Everybody feels seen for who they are and appreciated for who they are and really knows that at their heart they are a really great person, and that's what we mean. We're nurturing each other's hearts with this approach. So I hope you find it to be something really loving and wonderful to incorporate in your own life and your own family. [00:20:00]