This Wasn’t Release… This Was Completion

In this episode of Selah: A Deep Pause, Laura shares a deeply personal and embodied experience that unfolded over several days… one that didn’t come as a story, but as something that moved through her.

What began as a physical response in her body revealed something much deeper. Not just emotion, but a somatic and relational experience tied to old wounds, generational patterns, and a level of healing that couldn’t be accessed through understanding alone.

This wasn’t about analyzing what happened.
 It was about allowing the body to feel, complete, and finally receive.

Through moments of rupture, being held in a safe space, and unexpected guidance, Laura describes what it means to stay present instead of bypassing… and what can happen when the body is given the opportunity to finish what it started long ago.

This conversation invites you to listen differently.
Not for answers… but for what you notice within yourself.

As you listen, you may find yourself asking:

What part of me feels seen right now?
What part of me is still holding something unfinished?

This episode isn’t here to fix anything.
It’s here to be felt.

🎧 Thank you for joining us for this episode of Selah: A Deep Pause.
We hope this conversation offered you a moment to reflect, breathe, and feel seen. 

🔔 Subscribe to the podcast so you never miss a moment.
💌 Connect with Us
Follow us on Instagram: @SelahDeepPause
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🎙️ Host: Laura Deir
🎛️ Producer/Editor: Krissi Burdette
🎨 Artwork Credit: Mural featured in the video by E. Guenthner 

🎵 Music Credit
“Dreamcatcher” by Onycs  Licensed under Creative Commons (CC BY 3.0)
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Artist: https://youtube.com/channel/UCNQ6vKZ5ogEZ0tM2TvxLhQA
Music promoted by BreakingCopyright: https://youtu.be/gUgyfUIhGQc 

 ⚖️ Disclaimer: The conversations in this episode reflect personal experiences and opinions. They are not intended as medical, psychological, or legal advice. Psychedelic substances are not legal in all areas and may carry risks. Always consult qualified professionals and honor your local laws and your own readiness before exploring any healing modality discussed. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

In a world that glorifies the grind, Salah is a sacred invitation to pause. Every other week you'll find space here to slow down, listen inward, and remember who you are beneath all the noise. Through guided reflections, soulful conversations, gentle practices, and story-led journeys. Salah, a deep pause, offers rest. Not an escape, not to repress, but as a way to come home. This podcast is for those standing at the edge of change. You know who you are. The seekers, the sensitives, the high-functioning feelers, those ready to honor the quiet and reclaim their own rhythm. So come as you are. And exhale. Then exhale again. And stay with the stillness. And welcome back to Salah, a deep pause. Uh here, I am I'm coming in. I'm gonna be just very honest. Feeling a little nervous, feeling a little uneasy because I feel really called to talk about a process that was a pretty big process. I haven't had one of these in a very long time. It ran from March 1st through March 11th. You know, it started with a one and it ended with the two ones. And um and I'm still kind of integrating the process. So Chrissy's heard some of this stuff. And so let's just see. Why do I feel so nervous? But sometimes just telling our our true stories, I'm gonna say telling my true story usually feels good once I've really integrated it. But when I'm still in the process of it, my body is tender. It's normal.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Sometimes you gotta show up nervous or show up scared and do it anyway. Um but yeah, let's let's jump in and just see where it goes because that's all you can do. And I think a lot of people can relate to not knowing where to begin, not sure how to express. And so might be also just a good lesson in that people going, okay, it's something I can do, and it's a little scary and maybe a little trepidatious, but we'll walk gently.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

We'll walk gently. So will you walk with us gently? So I'm gonna open up the field um with a little statement, which is kind of to invite um sort of what some of what I'm going to try to put into words because what I really experienced was very much felt experiences. And so I think that's what it is, is this early on when you're still integrating something, it's we're trying to understand it, we're trying to put words to it, and I'm still in that process of trying to do that. So will you take a breath with me as we begin? Not to let not to get anywhere, not to fix anything, let's just survive. This conversation we're about to hear, it's not just a story. It's a lived experience that moved through my body that moved through my memories and moved most very deeply through my heart. And I want to say this gently there may be moments in this episode that I hope activate something inside of you a feeling that you're not trying to understand simply because it has a resonance of honesty which just kind of holds at that heartstring of yours. Because when truth is spoken, the body begins to listen. So as you're here with me, I invite you into curiosity, not understanding, not judgment, into sensation instead of trying to analyze, trying to figure out. And can you notice what arises? What part of you is leaning in? What part of you is pulling back and notice that? What part of you wants deeply to understand? But I got to know. And what part of you is simply starting to feel something? Sometimes when we start to feel we look for distractions. So can you stay with anything that you're beginning to feel? You don't want to take this all in and understand it. You simply want to just stay with what you notice. Stay with what's waking up, stay with what's rising up. And if you come to a point where oh I'm feeling a little too much right now, just come back to your breath. Come back to this body that's trying to get us to notice. Because you're a choice. And the breath is always there to be our friend, to guide us through what's trying to to rise up. So let's begin. Let's begin. The breath is always there. Always there. Always there. It's always a good good reminder. Oh, okay. So where do we start? Where do we start? Where do we start? So I guess let's just start with the series of events that led to some unlockings that um I that took me honestly just quite by surprise. So on March 1st, it was a beautiful day. It was the wrapping up of a beautiful weekend. We had an event, it was a great weekend. There's a lot of conversations, people are getting ready to leave. And as the last person leaves, I'm I'm in my usual state. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm like fully charged and energized. And I start slowing down. And man, within like 20 minutes of everyone leaving, my body, you know what happens a lot of times is once everyone's gone, especially when you're facilitating. Because when you're facilitating, you're in the energy, you're in the flow, in the energy, you're in the flow, you're right, you're in service, and so now everyone leaves. And now your body starts starts dropping all the responsibility.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

Like the adrenaline kind of just comes back.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

And it comes down quickly. It does.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

It does. And then I'm talking within 20 minutes, all of a sudden, my lower sacral, like I can feel a swelling begin to happen. Um, and it went from the very bottom to my of a sacral, and it just started climbing up my back and locking everything up. And so my husband literally saw me like, ah da-da-da, y'all excited, and then literally sees me walking into the room, going like, oh, I don't know what's happening. And I was on a way to my massage, and he's like, Well, what's going on? I said, I have no idea. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go get my massage. By the time I get there, I'm this time I'm walking in like this because my it started from the bottom, and the bottom was on fire. It wasn't just like stiff, it was stiff and smoking fire. It was on fire. And she sees me walking in, and I'm just like, I go, I don't know what's going on. And sometimes what happens is the body is when that overwhelm comes in, we we stop breathing, we we start going into how do I fix this? Which is usually not the route that's gonna get us anywhere because then we're gonna get busy trying to look at anything outside of ourselves. And so as she starts giving me a massage, and she's just trying to comfort me because she's not getting anywhere near like my muscles are on fire. And as she starts rubbing, and I start just going, like, okay, Lord, just breathe. Just breathe. And as I start breathing, I start having this, these little flashes. And it's moments where I had some individuals that came into my environment that were striking some wounds that were hitting some wounds that mentally I wasn't aware of. I mean, I had no awareness of it, but my body was bracing. My body was bracing because it felt um it was feeling a wound of abandonment. It was feeling a wound of uh being hurt. I'm gonna say, really, what I tend to do is I I have a tendency to be very open, big heart. And honestly, I don't even know that I, if I would have tuned in, I would have noticed it. But my body was bracing from a wound. And sometimes these wounds don't even start with an individual, they they go way further back.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

So I was there that weekend, or at least I was there one day, and none of that really had come up as folks were entering the container. You didn't notice any of it. And would you say you you talk about the bracing, maybe an example of that just to give folks an idea of when you go home for the holidays and you know that Aunt Fran is going to bring up something because she always does, and it's always an uncomfortable conversation. Or, or you know, cousin Joey hurt your feelings last time and always hurts your feelings. And so you kind of go in with that armor's as is that kind of like that.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 10:24

I think that's like a tangible example.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

There you go. Exactly. It's, you know, you're going in, you know, excited, open-hearted, but the body there's still uh there's like this layer of yeah, the body's bracing for that comment for that little, you know, little thing. And sometimes it's not even a comment, it's just there is an undealt with wound. It's really it's it's what it is.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

We we usually say it's it's fine. That's when it looks it's okay. It's there's nothing we can do here about it. Let's sweep it under the rug. Whatever it is we've conditioned to do to just correct. You know, it's it's not worth talking about. I'm not gonna get anywhere with it. Like there's there's usually all kinds of stories behind it. So you're just like, it's I'm and I'm okay. It's not a big deal. I'm okay. Yeah. Like that's what your brain is saying. Yes. I'm fine. Exactly. You know my fine. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, exhausted. Exactly. Fine.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Correct. But your body's going, no. But the thing is that there are some of those where we're very consciously aware that our body's bracing, right? And then there are some that are go that go way deeper that you don't realize your body is bracing.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Well, there's so much so they're so unconscious. Is that the word?

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Yeah, they're so unconscious. Well, and they're they're so buried under so many stories, so many perspectives. They're just buried. And and sometimes they don't make sense too. Like for me and this one, I'm like, this part of it didn't make any sense for me. But as I was forced, because literally what my body did by shutting me down, it shut me down so I couldn't move, and I had to just sit there and I had a massage for two hours, and she's rubbing, and I'm having all these emotions coming in. And so all I had to do is instead of trying to sit there and figure out, I was just letting myself feel.

SPEAKER_03 12:26

Or ignore. Because there is the option if when you could have been sitting at home and be like, I don't know what's happening, but I'll just throw on Netflix and take a whole bunch of Azvil and or whatever it is and try and ignore it. So yeah, you were it's interesting that you were placed in this situation. And even then you could, I mean, you could have made a choice to ignore it and been like, what the hell's going on? I don't understand, and just let your mind spit out. Um but it sounds like you were able to, okay, let me breathe into this. Mm-hmm. Are you able to explain what that looked like for you? Like as you're sitting there, let's say you're face down on the table, probably trying to breathe through your nose, which is always fun when you're on a massage table.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

Trying to breathe because I had snap coming out of my nose because I was starting to cry.

SPEAKER_03 13:17

Mm-hmm. A very comfortable spot of it's a massage, but don't flip me over, please. Please don't flip me over because there's gonna be big little snapshot. I can't I can't breathe this. It's lovely.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Um it when we stop trying to figure out and just allow the emotions, the thoughts to just begin to move through and you breathe. And I mean, I'm with a masseuse lady, so and there's the part of me that doesn't want to see her that I'm gonna know that I'm in front of the masseuse lady. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:52

But I just but why not? Like that's I think that's interesting too. Why not? Like she's gonna get a good tip, she's getting paid. It's correct. It's a it's a release, a massage is actually it's a release, it's a somatic release of energy, movement, all the things. And it's so interesting because I would have not to act like you did something silly.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

I'd have been something like I won't cry in front of anybody, let alone I'm naked under a exactly, and so I just yeah, I probably spent the first 30 minutes of it because it was a two-hour massage, 30 minutes of it trying to just and then just I just went, uh, just let it flow. Stop trying to figure it out, stop bracing, stop, just let yourself feel what is. And that's really that was key, is I don't know why I'm having these feelings, but I'm having them. So can I let myself have them? Uh the the usually the the truth of it doesn't show up until later. Um and and it's also showing us showing me, I'm gonna stick to my eyes. It's it's showing me what happens when we're the relational field, because you know, honestly, we're going to be wounded in our relationships, whether they mean to wound us, whether they not. And and sometimes a wound happens because it was just something in this case. I didn't know it at the moment. It was unlocking some mother wounds for me, which I figured out later, but it was putting some emotions, bringing some emotions up to the surface for me to just be with and feel and stop trying to do that. And you didn't move them through them before. Correct. And that well, there's a layer that I have not moved through. Um, yeah, there there's there's so much I've moved through, and there was a layer here that I didn't even realize I had not moved through. Um I I want to go to the end, but I'm like, no, wait, I can't say that part yet. So I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

SPEAKER_03 16:09

One gentle step at a time.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Step at a time. So then that's all unfolding, right? And then I come home and Tim sees me coming in and I'm still stiff, and he goes, What happened? I'm like, I'm still like locked the fuck up. Um, so I laid in bed, you know, it's so beautiful too, is like when some of that's happening, sometimes you've got these beautiful threads. I had um a friend Sam reach out and she goes, Girl, you've been on my mind big time. What's going on? And she works with pronic healing. And so she, you know, um, she says, Well, let me do some stuff for you. And then she goes, I'll get back with you. I'm on my way to a network practitioner. Uh, and then when she said that, that was my cue from Spirit, going like, Oh, network practitioners, they all my body responds really well to them. And what is a network practitioner? Um, one of my first mentors, Donnie Epstein, which works with the field. So it's chiropractors that work with the intelligence of your field. Field being. Field, your energetic field, your field is your being. We are not just this. We're not just what we see. It's we are here, we're out here, we're connected with it's such a beautiful connected web, and there's so much information. I mean, so that's how I work with people. When I run into people, it's like, ooh, you run, you move past their field and you pick something up. A lot of us do that. We just aren't aware of it. Or we're told not to pay attention to it because you're just being silly and weird. Exactly. By that point, once the lockup, then my back, I didn't even, it was so locked up that I couldn't even tell my lower back was on fire. And it was. Once I realized, I'm like, oh my God, my lower back is on fire. I can't sit down, I couldn't do anything. And so when she said that, I'm like, oh my God, I haven't been to one in a couple of years. I go, I'm gonna go there for support. So it was just beautiful how it was I started just actively listening. Allowing and allowing information to come in, giving you cues. And this is even this is the big thing that I talked about in my book, is about that we're always being sent cues, but are we listening? You know, and sometimes we don't listen until like, for example, for obviously this was a big thing that my my spirit guys wanted me to listen to. So they're like, we're gonna have to just shut her down because we want her to move through this. Because if they would have just given me some discomfort, I could have probably just kept chugging along. And so this was like, oh no, no, this one's a big one. So we're gonna shut her down. So she has no choice, but yet you have a choice.

SPEAKER_03 18:56

Yeah, and you're right, still a choice.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

But I have learned that.

SPEAKER_03 19:01

But you've done enough work that there's something going, there's something going on.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

I've done enough work to know, oh no, this is big. And if I don't listen, I'm gonna end up in a hospital.

SPEAKER_03 19:11

So you learn to listen to yourself long enough. I think in doing the work that we've talked about over almost a year now, you do it long enough, you start to go, oh, wait a minute. Uh oh, there's something here for me. There's a reason. You know, sometimes a stub toe is just a stub toe, but when it is that loud, you get a little curious about what's going on and not just like, oh no, this, you know, because quite frankly, being in the fantastic 50s, you could very easily. I mean, this there there were a lot of symptoms, but it's very easy to go, oh, that's probably menopause, or that's probably this coming on, or it's probably that.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

And you start looking for medical reasons. So I did seek some, and I'll explain here. I did seek some medical support.

SPEAKER_03 19:55

You could do both. But there is there's both. There's usually a connection. There's usually, you know, when someone's really sick, really exhausted, there's usually something else driving it.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Yeah, you know, in my experience, there's always been a connection. That's been my experience since I was a kid, since I was paralyzed. There has always been a connection. Always. So you went to the network practitioner. So and then from there, just one, it was oh, that'll be a long story. It's just beautiful. Welcome back to tools that you can use in the Wii Who space.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Network practitioners being one of them.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Well, oh, maybe I can get her on here. Oh, that would be amazing. That'd be fun. Actually, I love that idea. I'll reach out to her. What was really fascinating is just the way she came in, and it just saw she was able to get me in right away. And she spoke my language, which was so exciting. Meaning, I mean, she speaks English. So this is, you know, it's a chiropractor, right? But I again, they don't adjust, they don't crack your neck, they don't do all the things that she talks to your spine and connects energetically to your spine. Um, she comes in and she might go, I'm in discovery energy. And discovery energy means there's a lot of information hitting my body, which means I have to listen. Discovery energy is like, oh my God, everything's hitting me. I I have to listen so deeply because something, when it's hitting you that hard, something is getting ready to transform, which is what you want. Um, and some of us, there's some like this part, this is something that I've been working on for probably a decade, over a decade. And I was finally at a point of it was getting ready to completely transform. And once it transforms, it actually changes the structure of my body, which is why it was causing me so much pain. And so when I walked in and she tunes in and she she literally said, She goes, Oh my God, you're in massive discovery. You've been in massive discovery. energy and I was like I was like yes I was just like yes um and she goes this is big Laura she goes all right and so she starts you know messing with my back and then she was so cute she literally goes she goes English isn't your first language and I'm like no she goes yes because it's talking to me your back is talking to me in Spanish and I'm like that's right and I'm just like oh she's good um so she's literally just connecting and supporting me that way so that because when we're healing sometimes what happens is we we isolate and we sit and go and we try to self-soothe I mean that's what we've been conditioned to do.

SPEAKER_03 22:41

Well if you're in pain you try and breathe through it right yes okay let's just breathe through it and how can I get to it and we could give me some advocate and you're doing a kind of a self-soothing yourself however it is your self-soothing thing is and we need help just like relationally we wound each other relationally we can heal and support one another um and there's big healing in that because we're allowing or trusting it's it's a it's a gifts there's a saying that like I think it goes hurt people hurt people but healed people healed people too correct.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

So she immediately started talking in my language and explaining everything and she was literally just making sense of everything that was coming into my field. And so I told her as I I understand that and I go this feels really big because my body hasn't screamed at me this way and I don't remember the last time I've been in this much pain. It's been a long time. And so she starts supporting me with adjustments and as she's adjusting she's picking up things that are in certain parts of my back and she goes this part feels very wounded and as she's talking to Mike I could feel my body reacting and so I mean I sobbed I mean screaming sobbing like full on emotional releases on her table because she was it wasn't a massage it was she was literally feeling the emotions that I was feeling on my back so it gave me the safety to jet for my body to just have these massive releases of emotion. It just felt so good. I felt so supported felt so thankful for the way the universe just has a friend call me says hey I'll check on you and then she throws in those random words and I'm like oh my God this you know and it just starts following those little nuggets those little cues to try this do that. Because why not?

SPEAKER_03 24:44

I just want to throw that out there because why not? I think sometimes it's very easy to get bogged down. Well no and I'll speak for myself you know being in a kind of a financial pickle so to speak not really but a little bit yeah you know where I'm I'm I'm a bit more budget conscious right now than I have been before. Yeah and so when things like that come to me where I'm in a in community with folks that do many different things that are not your normal thing. It's not you know go to the doctor or do whatever. And sometimes it's looking at it and going, can I for me can I afford it and then why not? Let's go see where this leads because what I do love is more information more data that comes in for me is helpful where I can go oh like there's just some of those something that helps open up a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more or maybe remove the layer.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

Yes consciousness because if you go to a chiropractor and they just go click click click and you feel something you may feel some emotion but you're not in a space to release it or it's not being invited you know to come out or move through it's yeah you may feel good but then there is no consciousness awakened there or movement created with that. So then all of a sudden it goes right back to a click click click click so there's you need the adjustment again.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

It's almost like the information along the energy yes right because chiropractors they are trying to open up different energy centers and move things so that things are flowing down your spine. And so I like the connection to Reiki and I can usually feel like there's the energy moving around things. And how when we talk about what is it the body keeps the score right you know when those blocks happen and um what's the word that the uh sam scars so scars yeah sam scars right when the sam scars so you know if there's trauma or something a block and it just kind of sits in your body somewhere and there's just all these SAMS scars all over the place and being able to find out where they've attached there it's connected to our whole central nervous system. Yeah. And then if we just let it keep sitting there and it's almost like when you've got cobwebs in your house they just keep the dust that just keeps attaching to them and attaching to and it keeps growing and growing and growing you don't know it if you're not in that room and if you're not cleaning, if you're not doing the things in that house and just gets bigger and bigger and bigger as the years go by and it just sits there unattended. And now that you have somebody that's attending it and is a little bit more mindful and aware how that can help you see a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Yeah. Well even what's in your field because when you're in it sometimes you know I may help people because I'm outside of their field so I can feel it and go, oh I see that I feel that and so in that case it's somebody else coming in and saying oh I feel that I see that and she it was reaffirming and inviting it and I needed I needed that confirmation I needed that support I needed that synchronization safety. Yeah exactly to really like fuel the movement of it um what and it was just really incredible about this big process is like there was a series of events that the universe my guides had been lining up that I didn't see while I was in it but now starting to look back I'm like oh my God because I had like she matrix uh event that after three years I felt really called to go to like three weeks ago. Well even right now it's just landing I'm like oh I started unlocking some of this stuff. It was so many things that started unlocking some really deep wounding or you know and some of this are really deep wounds especially our mother wounds they don't just start with our mothers this one in my case it was it's a lineage thing it was a big deep ass wound that my body's still moving through and I actually had a spot in my body I'm very aware of and every time I'd have like an energy healer come and they're like oh what's this they always go like there's some of that one of them called it soot. It was like this yeah it was it's like this he goes you come from a line of like medicine women like witchy but they started using some of this stuff with like some other magic and I'm like yeah he goes it's right there and then other people would go and they're like oh what I'm like yeah I know well that's interesting because soot is reminisc is is the remnants of a fire right and then if you don't clean up your chimney you get all this soot buildup and then if as you build it up the the chimney just keeps going in like this and so that the nothing can get through and then you have an internal fire. Yeah. Oh mm-hmm oh and I was having a fucking internal fire like a motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 29:41

Yeah but if you you can think about that because like if you don't clean out your chimney and you keep lighting fires and you keep doing then your body does that right and then it keeps happening and especially over generations. Yeah and unless that fire just starts to burn and there's no way for it to come out how it's going to like it's all the smoke comes back into the house and causing an internal fire. That's so interesting.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

Oh wow I love that oh shit that's awesome they called this moment because that was your fire yeah it's literally because that's what it was it was an internal fire that it's not like I had not been working on it but there was there was a very unconscious level to it. I'm having all these little events unlocking some things not to mention if I go back to the end of January seeing my brother who had disowned me and hadn't talked to me in eight years for the first time which happened at the end of January. And I would imagine and I imagine it wasn't a hey you know let's have a conversation I really you know it was probably like yo what's up mm-hmm yeah we're we're just gonna just take we're just gonna ignore the left yeah actually God I I that was probably the big the the big like shift in the in my ground that started and then I had all these other little instances that kept like poking at these wounds. Oh as I'm saying it yeah definitely and I can feel it so I guess really the fire part was 11 days but this was going has been unfolding for me. Wow I didn't even realize that until yeah it's been going on for a hot second.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

And so And even then it's the you've you've talked about abandonment but there's also in not not being chosen as well.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

Yes yes yeah exactly I mean actually when you say abandonment and not being chosen there it is with my brother.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Um and then but it's abandonment and not chosen with you talked about that story with you know you have a large family and the abandonment of your brother but also where where you're gonna go and have dinner but the two of you are going and maybe you're not invited because they don't want to cause you know any more drama but in that that's not being chosen.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

In the same instance of being abandoned.

SPEAKER_00 32:13

Yes. Yeah so even though like other family members said I'm not abandoning you it was still but I'm also not choosing you. Yeah still not choosing me right and so it's this whole thing have all this stuff moving on. So this is this one weekend where everything starts locking up that Sunday and then five days later on Friday I'm walking back into another She Matrix container which is a container with very strong very clear feminine boundaries with these women and what that creates is a discomfort in your body when when you're in there and it starts to it's so tight that you can't run from what's rising up it's gonna rise up and this is oh my god this is such a beautiful I'm I'm trying to even see if I can put it in words the safety that can happen amongst women as that are willing to hold with another so we can heal together. Not necessarily one faster one better not that no no it's just we're all healing because we're all still imperfect and can we honor all of that imperfection and the beauty of it and not judge it. Just see it for what it is and just these beautiful circles of women just being willing to completely unrobe let yourself be fully seen yeah see and be seen.

SPEAKER_03 33:55

Yes all of it be seen be seen all of it see but also doing the seeing like there's the there is a doing the seeing yes mirror there's there correct because it can't just be yeah one way it's the the and it's seeing without as you said it Rudley but seeing without trying to stop it because of your discomfort. Correct like because sometimes if someone's crying or if someone's upset there is a I I mean right wrong or indifferent there's usually oh it's okay don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry and allowing someone to cry or feel the feels without oh this oh she is upset and that's really making me I should go I should go to her because I am uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 34:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:39

And rather than being like she's she's feeling the things she's doing the stuff she's moving through it.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

Mm-hmm exactly and us not try to put our interpretation our spin on it it's it's we are all moving through I would say because mother wound comes a lot my mother wound is unique to me. And so me trying to go like oh I've moved through that let me help you with it through my lens is not going to get anybody anywhere.

SPEAKER_03 35:07

It's just because we've got to just witness yep and witness multiple times and multiple and multiple and go through it multiple times. Yeah because it's we're not always available for it yet.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

A hundred percent I mean like this part of me that was moving through I obviously I wasn't ready for it until just recently and it was a big one. And so now stepping into that container and then at that point I'm thinking I'm gonna have oh I'm gonna be able to let go more be seen oh my back just is like gone is and so are down there in my privates. They're like on fire and I'm like and in that space I just just sit Laura listen and when it's your turn to talk let it out say what you're feeling express it all. Nobody needs to understand it but me. You know sometimes we're worried about what we're saying and and that's one of the things that I love when women learn to just we just sit clearly just to witness one another and be witnessed the beauty of what can the rawness that can start to just come out of your body. And so for me that weekend was me then having a place to now feel like the the the full range like depth emotions I mean body shaking fear of fear of power too that grows through my body um I come from a lineage with a very strong women and so the I was afraid of that strength because it was abused like seriously abused. And so some of these things started coming up for me as well you know that things that I didn't even realize were running in the background where my body's like no I can't access this because if I access this I'm gonna hurt somebody I was like oh and so then when that came up it was like then feeling this it's the all the emotions it was so much it was rage it was fear it was you know pain it was so many layers of emotions moving through me but as I started feeling all that stuff then one of my biggest guides I mean her presence just came in and one of the other guides in the room felt her presence which was so reaffirming when I felt her but then someone else in the room said oh my god who is she that just came into the room I was like that's I wow then I mean when she said that like my tears just like unleashed because I felt so seen it wasn't just in my head it just became real became so real um you know and one of my biggest guides is is one of my great great great great great grandmothers and she's been coming in and guiding me for a long time. I didn't realize it until about 2019 is when I realized who I was well no saw her I I'd been realizing who she was rec as I've started listening. And then she made her presence known and in that and being witness and then also being fully seen because they could also see who had stepped into the room gave me full permission to engage with her fully her power her wisdom and body and like I could feel my body like shaking so hard to connect to her at a cellular level that I had never connected and that's what all of this was all these wounds I had to feel all these wounds I had to feel all this pain I had to feel all these things to get to that raw point of feeling allowing and being fully witnessed and what was what I would call transform energy. When you're ready to fully transform an old wound. And what I mean by transform is like there's a whole other level of wholeness that starts to come in. It's not just this what you know but then also what you don't know starts getting unlocked and you start feeling it and seeing it. And even when I was having that experience I wasn't fully understanding everything that was happening. I was just that the emotions were so strong and the pain in my sacral down there was getting to the point where like oh my God I'm gonna fucking birth something here because I'm in so much pain which technically I guess I was it's just even talking about it right now there is this is what I think we're trying to invite women to it's like this level of healing when you can just witness other beautiful women try to understand them not try to fix them not try to do anything other than just witness their story why they're there. It's it's it's just this beautiful I don't have words for it I'm trying to create a word for it but it's so rich it's so empowering it's so raw and when you can be in a space that's that raw magic that you didn't expect starts to surge through your body so as I was done with my process there I had just one more day to be there and at that point I ended up getting really quiet for the next 24 hours I was there I was interacting but I felt it's like this groundedness but then also there's this it's like the pain it didn't get just intense it got focused. It got very focused and this time it was really just down I mean I'm just gonna be honest down in my private areas and and at that point my back was no longer as in much fire but down there it was and that was a first for me. I had never experienced that before and can I just continue to just see and listen and so I participated but I was quiet. I feel like it's been more quiet since then because I'm still in this grounded place of just integrating everything that opened up but the next day uh there was going to be one more night spending the night and I just let the ladies know I said I I gotta go home. My body's exhausted it just moved through a lot. So I came home and when I came home passed out at a Monday morning 5 a.m an energy a presence that kept whispering and it woke me up at about 5 a.m and Tim usually is already up so for whatever reason that day he he didn't feel like getting up and going to the gym so he was still in bed with me and so that energy once it woke me up then it started it was like these waves and I started feeling really emotional and as I started crying with the emotions let me backtrack to all these years I've been in a healing journey of all the pain from my childhood. Not feeling cared for by my mom you know some of the things that she did and then how it did what it did with my siblings and so the the life path that what I remember and how I responded had created. So I've been healing these wounds and I had gotten to a point of finding a lot of compassion for my mom where I could be in relationship with my mom in compassion. So I thought I was there.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

I was like and I would have I would have agreed that you are yeah right whatever yeah we're using just from the work that you've done you've been able to see where you were able to see your own your mom's wounding. You're able to see the generational menu like you could see I know why this I can see it.

SPEAKER_00 43:56

Yeah yes yeah and it's so I was like, oh, and now I have a relationship with my mom and I have this compassion and I can see her. And so I was like, oh, I'm there. But then with this energy, once I moved through all of that, started doing is it started unlocking these memories where I was feeling love from her, memories of where she had done some big sacrifices and showed up for me. Memories of all these things that because of the trauma and because of the bracing, I had not experienced. Tim saw me. I mean, I cried so hard, so hard, because I was feeling the nurturing. I was feeling the love. I was feeling everything she had done, which was the full story. I had 60% of the story, but there was this whole other side of the story that my body had not been ready or willing to feel. You had the dark, you didn't have the light. Yeah, of that part. And it was beautiful. So Tim at that point is just sitting up, just holding space for me and just watching. He didn't know what was happening, but he could kind of feel what was happening. And I'm just crying. And he just kept saying, he goes, You just kept getting softer and softer. And your face kept softening and softening and softening. And it was about two hours. And he said, by the time I was done, and I could feel like there was so much light just radiating. He goes, I thought I had felt you open. You were like wide open. Your field was fully open. It was like intoxicating how open you felt. And that was just by sitting with all of the discomfort. And then just being able to experience something I didn't realize my body had not had not experienced. Something that my body had not probably felt safe enough to feel. Oh man. Like I wish I could have bottled that up. Because it's home. And I was able to call my mom. And she's already approaching 92, and so she's forgetting a lot of things. And I was telling her about some of these stories. And of course, with her, I just explained it as if I would had a dream so that she would try to understand. And and then she just was like, Oh yes, and I remember, and so I just then I'm what I'm really thankful for is that I'm getting to have these moments with my mom while she's still alive. That my body didn't get to have when it was bracing at the beginning. An amazing gift. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was an incredible gift. Um and I'm thrilled. I don't even know what this is going to unlock for me and for my field and for the people that I'm in relationship with, the people that I get to work with, because now that this has transformed, I'm like, oh my God, what am I gonna have access to now? So this is what I was trying to get to is that sometimes we're so afraid to sit with what's really painful and allow ourselves to feel it when we can do that. There's there's these chunks of golden nuggets that we get to experience. It's this light. Oh, and then this light isn't something that just you get to experience, but it's something that the people around you get to experience out. It radiates out. It radiates out. It radiates out.

SPEAKER_03 48:14

Yeah, I think you know, a gift for you, a gift for your kids, a gift for your grandkids that you're able to, that you were able to unlock is it's priceless. Yeah, and you had to go through a lot to get there. And yeah, I don't I don't think we as a society are we we're told not to do that.

SPEAKER_01 48:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:45

We're just take the pill, fix it, get over it, move on with it. Don't sit with it. Don't, you know, the kids cry, they're have they're upset. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. It's okay, it's okay. What can I do when the ice cream comb? Let me distract you, let me do the things rather than when we allow them to feel their feelings and feel hurt and feel sad and be there, be that safe place for them to feel it. And then they realize that there's an other side of it. And then on the other side, there's just you said softening, there's just the release of it. And then exhale. Yeah. And then if you if I always like to go back to children because they're our original, their original form, right? And then usually they are upset and they cry, and the things and this hurt my feelings, and all the things, and then okay, want to go play? Like just yeah. But we've been so conditioned to don't put up the wall, put up the keep putting on the armor, keep bracing. Mm-hmm. I'm fine. That's okay. It's all right. Yeah, that's okay. And then just in moving through that, just it's the it sounds like and I've experienced it a little bit, but not to the extent of that. But the gift on the other side of that, I to your point, it's really difficult to describe. It's almost there are no words. There are no words for it.

SPEAKER_00 50:15

There are no words, and and also there isn't a race to it. I mean, I've been working on myself for over a decade.

SPEAKER_03 50:24

And well, and the achiever you wants to do it though, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:27

Because I could say I wanted that was that achiever that like I have to get there.

SPEAKER_03 50:31

And you've even actually you've even given me a little shit periodically, but like, girl, you're taking your time. And it's like, and I and I have realized and I have finally I accepted it's a slow go for me. And sometimes the things may go a little fast, but other times I was giving myself shit, looking at other people, having their experiences. Their experiences are not my experiences. Nobody's experience is my experience. Yeah, I don't know what layers are under there, just like you're saying, you didn't know. We don't know what's there and what it's going to take to keep going. But the idea is to keep going and to keep being available and to keep going, okay. Well, maybe can I sit with this longer? Can I be curious about it? Can I think, yes, maybe I need to go to the doctor and maybe I also need to look at it at this side? Like it's just so multifaceted and so just the web is constantly moving and constantly changing. And how can I look at it from the different, all the different places and see what's available?

SPEAKER_00 51:35

And this is a primary example of where I didn't just stick to the energetics and tuning in. I did seek out a chiropractor. Yeah, woo-woo chiropractor. But somebody that was gonna help support my whole back, that was just on like what's happening. You went to a slash therapist as well. Yep. And then, so then Monday I had that process. And so then when I reason I kept mentioning my privates was not just to mention it, is then later that day, that Monday, there was that soot that we talked about earlier. My body was ready to move it. And so I reached down and I felt a ball down there, and it was painful. But now my whole back was in unpain, or is it? It was like all heat. It was working its way out. It was working its way out of the body. And so at that point, I'm like, okay, now I need medical attention for this. So I reached out to a doctor and is like, oh, I need to get you a specialist for that. That's a cyst, uh more than likely with a lot of pus. Thank goodness I was able to find somebody that could take get me in the next day. They cut it open and it was a lot of pus. It was a lot of it came out. A lot of soot. Well, that's happening. I'm thinking spiritually, going like, holy shit, no wonder this, no wonder it was such a massive big had to sit because that was for me, that was for my mom, that was for my sister, that was for my aunts, that was for my whole lineage. That soot that had been there in my the lineage from my mom's side, because I had the patience to sit with all of that and the resources and the support, it got expelled from my body. And once that was removed from my body the very next morning in my meditation, I felt something where I normally feel, and it was open, and I was able to go and it's gone. Yeah. I have been working on that sucker for a long time. Well, generational.

SPEAKER_03 53:45

You're you weren't even and the the interesting part is you were working on it, your mom was working on it, your sisters have worked on it, and it's but I I find it interesting, and I've seen it a few times because you know, the algorithm loves me, and what I look for is that there's the generation that starts to come up that has the strength, ability, awareness, patience to be with it. Yeah, and to move through it, and so then that's just like this all the way back to the generations, and of them like I can almost just see them being like, thank you, and just allowing it also to fall from their shoulders.

SPEAKER_00 54:25

Yeah, yeah. So I had not had a bosses like that in a long time, but that was a big one, and um I love how this came out. I was nervous to share this. Welcome gently. Yeah, but we'll get there. We'll get there. But this is what we want to do, right? Is this share real stories and possibilities and possibilities? Possibilities.

SPEAKER_02 54:53

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

But yeah, um, these big ones require support. So that's what we're what I'm saying here is it's like I couldn't do this by myself. No, and we shouldn't. And we should I mean we shouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 55:08

And we shouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 55:09

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 55:10

We're told. You can do it. Oh, you can do everything, and you can you don't need anybody. Yeah, we do. Yeah. Yeah, we do.

SPEAKER_00 55:20

Yeah, really do. Yeah. So in this case, I I called in so much sisterhood. I called in chiropractors, I called in a regular doctor, I called in all, and I worked with all the avenues because this was this was a lot to move. So I needed support and I needed to be witnessed and like seen in the depths of it.

SPEAKER_03 55:42

And accept the support and allow to be helped. Yes. Allow yourself to be helped too. And I think that's really that's an important thing to point out. Yeah. It's a lot of times I was listening to a book recently, and the guy this it's just a it's a fiction book, but regardless, you know, is coming home from the hospital and he's like, No, I can do it, no, I can do it, no, I can do it. Just let somebody help you. Just try it. Let somebody help you. Let somebody carry your bags, let somebody open the door for you, let somebody hug you, let somebody sit next to you while you go through the hard thing. Allow them to do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:18

And yeah, sometimes it's a risk. And everything's a risk. Yeah. Yeah. And and uh everything's a risk, everything's a gift. I mean, it depends on how you want to look at it. Correct. But there is, but remaining in isolation and not receiving help. Um it's just that's a whole nother episode. That's a whole nother story. Yeah, a completely different story. But uh there's the unfolding, there is somatic work with that, there was relational work with that, and it wasn't had I tried to figure it out, I would have stayed single focused on that. Oh, that was at peace with my oh, that was at peace with it was the it was a web of feeling the layers of all those emotions that um that were guiding me to a really big and important wound to transform, to finely transform. So well, thank you for sharing all of that. That was that's a lot.

SPEAKER_03 57:29

I thank you for coming on and sharing it with everyone because that was very the vulnerable story.

SPEAKER_00 57:34

Yeah. Well, that's what we are that's what we want to do is share these vulnerable stories and say you're not alone and and even understanding what we're feeling and what's coming up, or when you're kind of at a point like I don't know what to do from here. It's like, well, we need to start reaching out and looking for places where we can be held, seen, witnessed, supported, supported, no matter what's showing up. So I feel like we're getting pretty, it feels pretty complete.

SPEAKER_03 58:05

Yes, unless you want to go three hours.

SPEAKER_00 58:10

So I am going to do a closing prayer for you to be with, and um, and we'll make this hurrah. Let's go. Let's take a moment to soften all the edges from this conversation. Maybe close your eyes if it feels safe and simply drop into the atten simply drop your intention in words. Attention fully into you, not what you gotta do, not the next thing. Just stay with you for a second. And we're not trying to recreate anything, so let's not put any effort into this. Let's just notice what is present in your body right now. Is there something gently inviting you to meet you? And can you keep noticing with your breath? Remember, we're not forcing, we're just reading, we're not trying to control, we're just a night breath of welcoming. And if there are any places with you that have held some stories that are not seen, that are not being held, and that are not being fully loved, places that maybe have just learned to brace, have been learning all these years to just protect to make meaning about what you've had to be. Can we let all that go? And maybe invite a different possibility now. It's just a feeling, it's just an energy. That something within you or beyond you may begin to move gently. Not just to change the past, but most importantly to let your body have a new experience. What it may not have been able to receive then, maybe it can receive now. May you allow the memories and sensations to begin to flow. If there was a moment, even the smallest one, where you can feel held, where you can remember being nurtured, where you can remember being fully met. Let your body have it fully. Because it's not just a thought, it's an invitation to a new experience. So let it land where it couldn't land before. Let it soften something, even if it's just a little. Sometimes when the body is ready, it will simply come on its own. So whatever moved for you today or didn't, trust that something is still unfolding. In its own timing, in its own intelligence. You are not behind, you are not broken. There may simply be some parts of you that are still waiting to be experienced in a different way. So take one more breath. And when you're ready, just gently come back to yourself. Thanks everyone for joining us. See you next time. Bye, y'all. Thank you for pausing with me. What you heard settle gently in your body and stir something true within you. If this episode spoke to your soul, please subscribe and share with someone else who might need this pause as well. Until next time, come as you are, take a deep breath, and stay for the stillness.