The Identity Crisis of Becoming More

Healing can be a homecoming, but it can also feel like exile. When we grow into more self awareness and emotional honesty, the old roles that once earned us love and praise can suddenly feel suffocating. I share a raw look at the identity crisis that shows up when you’ve spent years being the strong one, the caretaker, the dependable fixer and you realise you’ve been disappearing inside the performance.

We talk about the grief of outgrowing environments that used to feel like home: friendships built on overgiving, conversations that now feel heavy, and patterns your survival mode tolerated that your healed self can’t unsee. I name the lonely “in between” season where you don’t resonate with your old life, but the new life still feels unfamiliar, and why that discomfort may be proof you’re finally telling the truth. Expect practical reflections on boundary setting, people pleasing, nervous system shifts, and what it means to be a cycle breaker healing generational trauma.

I also open up about how major life change can intensify transformation, including the way chemotherapy and physical change can reset identity and priorities. When you’re forced to confront how precious time is, it gets harder to keep living for everyone else’s expectations. You’ll leave with journal prompts to help you choose yourself without shame, and reminders that you are not too much, you’re becoming whole. If this lands, listen, share it with someone who needs it, and subscribe, rate, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations.

Transcript

When Healing Feels Like Exile

Dora 0:06

Hola, hola. Welcome back to Ai Mijita, the space where we embrace our raíces, reclaim our essencia, and have the conversations that maybe nobody in our family ever had out loud. Today's episode, whoof, and I probably say this of all of them, that this one's personal and raw, but no, this one's definitely personal and raw. Because today we're talking about the identity crisis that happens when you start becoming more, like more aware, more healed, the embodiment, when you're more honest with yourself, when we're more powerful, and the more you. And nobody really prepares you for what happens next. Nobody tells you that healing can feel lonely. And no one tells you that growth can make you feel homeless emotionally. That one day you wake up and the places you once fit into no longer fit you. And suddenly, you're standing in the middle of your life asking, who the hell am I becoming? So grab your cabecito, tecito, beverage of choice, and let's get into today's episode. And I've been sitting with this one for a bit because I wanted to just really sit in this moment. Um, there's a lot of things that I'm in between. And I was thinking, I'm like, you know what's wild? So many of us become who we needed to become to survive. Not necessarily who we truly were. And for myself, as a first-gen daughter, caretaker, woman, as people who experienced trauma, instability, chaos, abandonment, we learned very early how to shape shift, how to read the room at a very young age, like not to be too loud, not to upset people, and especially how to anticipate needs before anyone asked. So I have like that innate gift of like knowing what what's coming next. How to become emotionally responsible for everybody else. And for a long time, that version of us gets rewarded, or I got rewarded for those things. You become dependable, strong, and quote unquote successful. Like people come to you because you're the helper. You're gonna be able to fix stuff, so you're the fixer, and also people feel really safe, which is you know, that's where you're the safe one to go to. Like home base, you know, when you play that game of like catch your it when we were kids, like being that home base to people. But eventually, your soul starts whispering, this isn't all of me. And that whisper, it changes everything. So I think about my own journey and how much my identity was built around being needed. Like I always felt this need that I needed to be the strong one, the mother figure, the caretaker. Even as a little girl, like taking care of my younger sisters are two and three years younger than me at like the age of five, even though there was like people around, like I felt like this innate way of like taking care of them all the time. And then when I became pregnant or a mother at 16, it definitely intensified. It brought it home for me. So I became everybody for everyone. And somewhere inside of all of that, I disappeared. I lost myself. I didn't even realize how disconnected I was from myself because survival mode becomes normal. That that was my threshold, that was my baseline. Like I normalized the exhaustion, the overgiving, the self-abandonment. And then one day your body starts screaming. Like the anxiety starts screaming, that sadness, the burnout, especially with my job, a corporate world. Like I would work until two or three in the morning, I would get shit done all the time. And I felt like this reward at the end, right? That dopamine hit of like, oh yeah, I got it done. They met the deadline and I beat it. But your soul starts saying, I cannot keep betraying myself just to be loved. And I thought that's how I would get like accolades or the acknowledgement that I was looking for. And oh my, when I realized that I was betraying myself, I'm like, whoo! That realization hurts. Because all along I thought in order to be loved or in order to show love, like I have to do all these things for everybody. But that's where at the end of the day, like I feel drained, like I would feel drained, and I wouldn't have these boundaries, I wouldn't have like this way to express myself that I was being that for so many people. And I got a thrill. Like I would, I would love to solve people's problems and challenges and everything, and I do that with my clients, and we work through these things, but before, like the version three years ago, uh, me would just overgive to the extent of like my detriment. And so this matter of self-sacrificing for me has always been a life life thread, let's just call it, like an overarching thing. And that's where it definitely hurt, it definitely stung that I came to that awakening realization that I was doing those things. You know what nobody talks about enough? The grief of outgrowing environments that once felt like home. And I don't just mean places, I mean conversations, friendships, patterns, versions of versions of yourself. Sometimes your healing exposes what your survival mode tolerated. And suddenly the things that used to feel normal, they start feeling heavy. The gossip feels heavy, the constant negativity also feels like supercharged, the one-sided relationships also like feel unaligned. And here's the painful part. Sometimes the people around you don't celebrate your growth, they sometimes even resent it because your evolution forces them to confront their stagnation, and not everybody or everyone is ready for that. Sometimes you become the mirror they didn't ask for, and that can feel isolating. There's this weird in-between season where you no longer fit into your old identity, but you haven't really fully arrived into the new version of yourself yet. And that space, that feels lonely as hell. You start questioning yourself. Am I changing too much? Am I becoming selfish? Why do I feel disconnected from everyone? But what if the discomfort isn't because you're doing something wrong? What if it's because you're finally telling the truth? The truth about what hurts, about your needs, your dreams, especially your capacity. And people who benefited from the smaller version of you may not know how to love the expanded version. And so I'm in that season right now. I'm trying to figure out where I'm I've expanded so much where people around me are like falling apart, like falling away from me. And we just went through this astrologically, um, endings and beginnings. And so if you're listening to this, there might be certain relationships in your life that are fall like that are ending, but then you probably bumped into someone, or there's something happening where something new is is occurring. And that, my friend, is where the magic begins because you're able to start something, like a new chapter, and you go with these like new relationships or these new like projects that you want to set out, and you start discovering yourself like you were in this comfort zone, and now stepping out of that comfort zone that's growth. That's where you're evolving, you're going through the motions, and sometimes what I call growing pains. Because being in between it makes you doubt your whole world, like your identity, what you're going through. And being in this moment, it's like a like you were in some sort of like cocoon, kind of like birthing something, and all of a sudden, bam, like we're in it. We're doing the thing, we're gonna go do the things that we wanted to do, that we dream of. And I feel like it's like an empty canvas where you're trying to paint it, and that's where you are, and I want you to know this: you are the person that creates your own life. So being in this negativity or in this negative frequency of, oh, like I should be doing more, or I'm selfish, or everybody's gonna judge me. It's like, no, you have the ability to rise above all that negativity beyond the neutral state and go into that positive, and we choose to be in peace and joy in a daily like all this negativity that's happening right now in the world, around you and within you at times, we have to acknowledge it. We have to actually see it for what it is because it is information. Your body, if you're feeling a certain emotion, and I've been going through it especially recently, um, just finalizing chemo and then now like figuring out what do I want to do with my business, what do I want to do with my life, how do I want to be going about my my projects, like all these things. And sometimes, and I'm speaking for myself, but maybe that resonates with you where you feel like you're falling behind. You feel that you should be doing more, it should be happening faster. And sometimes when we're in like tough situations, that's where life itself, and that's where divine, God, universe, source, it's making and and shifting things for you. It's not happening to you. So that's one thing I've definitely learned is if you go with the flow and everything should be easy, yes. But then again, there are certain situations that come up in order for us to be like um polished, for us to be redirected into what our true calling is. But again, we all have free will and we all can say no, and we can do it like the super hard way and learn our lessons. But that's where being in this in-between, it could be a very magical place if we look at it from that perspective. I think one of the hardest parts of transformation is feeling like you don't fully belong anywhere anymore. You don't resonate with your old life, but the new life still feels unfamiliar. You're too spiritual for some spaces or too emotional for others, or maybe you're called too ambitious in one room and then too soft in another. And I often got said that I needed to be more assertive, and I thought that was like me mugging people, like face-wise. Um, but actually assertive means speaking up for yourself, and you start wondering, where do I fit now? I know so many of you listening understand this so deeply, especially when you're the cycle breaker, when you're the one in your family asking the deeper questions and challenging maybe a little bit against the grind or against the grain, or however you say that saying. The one going to therapy, or you're the one that's setting the boundaries. And especially healing generational trauma, however that means, or however that looks like for you, because it could be emotionally, it could be finances, it could be like physically, um, you're just pivoting from your health routine, regimen, or how you handle a situation. Instead of going into panic mode and fire drill mode all the time, you're the calm one. You're the one, okay. It's not that bad, guys. Like, worst case scenario, we just don't get the thing. Because healing changes your language. You stop laughing at things that hurt, like especially shaming. You stop romanticizing the struggle, like the oh, the hustling, the grinding, the everything, like we have to make the shit super hard in order for it to work out. Or you stop over-explaining your worth and you just keep it, you just I love this. Like, you just let the evidence speak for themselves. You don't really have to say anything. It's like the saying, like, great arma, yet, which is like create fame and just go to sleep, like let it be for yourself, for itself, and speak for itself. And by golly gosh, people start no notice. People start to notice, like, hey, why are you so chill? Why are you like this? Why are you changing? Why are you different? And they feel the shift before they understand it. And again, no explanation needed. However, it's you. Once you change, it cascades to all those people around you. And I I noticed it with like my journey, especially with the chemo. I always thought like cancer patients and everything were just like they looked gloomy and sad, depressed. And don't get me wrong, I mean, I do feel all those things. But my mission, I guess, in life is to show people that whatever shitty circumstances, cards you're dealt, there is a way to see it, a perspective to be shifted. Um, I always get ready every single day. I put on my makeup. Lately, you'll you'll laugh at you could see me. And I I do have it on on Instagram if you follow. Um, but I color in my eyebrows because no joke, I have none left. And so if you're on my email list, I'll I'll share a picture of like no makeup, and I promise you that. But it's very funny because I, my mom and I and my sisters, like we all love our eyebrows. We all love to get our makeup done, like hair done and everything. So we're very into the nails and you know, so vanity, definitely. And this process, this chemo process has taught me to lose all my hair. No joke. Like, even to the point where like Brazilian wax kind of thing. I know it's TMI, but that I share. And it's been quite the process to lose the hair. And I knew it was gonna happen, but I never thought it was gonna be like my eyelashes. I have none left. So that's another to look forward to in the picture. Um, and so I have fun with it. I actually put on this like glitter eyeliner, turquoise-looking. I think it's called Phoenix or Aura or something, I don't know. Uh, Aura. And it's taught me to embrace like who I am when I look in the mirror. And especially when I get out of the shower when I have no hair, I have no eyebrows, I have no eyelashes, I have no makeup. It's just me raw. And it's this tender piece where if I mean, obviously I get I get ready every day, but when I walk out like with my family, it's one thing. And I actually I think I've received a couple people like in my full like no makeup, no nothing. But when I go out, like I do wear the makeup and everything because it makes me feel good. Like I'm the one that decides what makes me feel good, even though I have all these things happening, even though like my hands are getting super dark from the chemo, my tongue also. There's like this blackish, like on the sides of my tongue. Um, it's all these are like vanity cosmetic things. But for someone that cared for those things before, it caused me to really love me for who I am. And people notice, like people take notice. It's like you're a cancer patient, chemo patient. Like you should be like feeling like, you know, all the things, um, which I do, but every single time I choose to be in this frequency of peace and joy. And it is positive mindset and all that those things. And I choose myself to be surrounded by people that uplift me instead of like shame me and go, you know, and that's where I don't tolerate it. I just don't. Um, and my husband even knows where I have a strong boundary now where it's like if you have anything negative to say, might as well not say anything at all. Um, obviously I accept feedback, but I'm not subscribing to that anymore. So that's where people see it. And I know people see me for who I am. Um, but yeah, it's it's just a process that you embrace. And just to share a little more, just being honest here, my chemo journey intensified this whole experience of transformation. Because when your body physically changes, your identity changes too. Your priorities change, the nervous system changes. And let me tell you about hormones, good man, good grief. I that's been tough because I just cry out of nowhere. Your relationships also change with time because, again, people fall apart, and you stop wanting to waste your life pretending. Like I had no more ability to pretend something that I'm not, and there's something deeply spiritual about confronting your mortality, like knowing that within five years this cancer can come back. I've been an emotional wreck like for the past three weeks because I thought, I'm like, dang, like it's real. Um, the perspective I had is not what is the reality. The reality is if this cancer comes back, like I have to fight this all over again. And that it strips away performance. And that's where you begin to ask if my time here is sacred, why am I living for everybody else's expectations? Like, I seriously had to sit down with that one. And that question, it will crack you open. And moving on, can we talk about the guilt? The guilt of choosing yourself, especially as a woman, as mothers, and especially in the Latino households, like culturally, I think this resonates with multiple cultures, but especially in my upbringing, that was a big one. Because many of us were taught that love equals sacrifice, that being a good daughter means overextending yourself, that rest is laziness, the boundaries are disrespectful sometimes to those that don't agree with them. And when you start prioritizing your peace, there's a sense of guilt that creeps in. Even when it's necessary. When you start hearing the voices of like, oh, you've changed, you think you're better now, you're distant, or you don't talk to me the same anymore. And maybe you have changed because you're no longer abandoning yourself. You actually speak up and like what I was saying about being assertive, and that's not arrogance, that's actually healing, that's putting down those much needed boundaries. There are moments in this journey where choosing yourself feels like grieving somebody else, like you're grieving your old self, the version that was the people pleaser, the yes, I would do this and I would do that. And that's the part people don't talk about. You start to grieve your relationships. Like, for example, there was a you had a friend that you would do everything for them and you would drop everything for them, and all of a sudden, like, no, it's like I have stuff to do. Like, you gotta figure it out. That that's sometimes friends don't accept that and they kind of part ways, or it could be versions of yourself, old self, and that's the self-sacrifice. And when you put yourself first, it's like you have the sense of guilt that, oh, I should be doing more and I should be this and I should be fixing that, and because you were so used to it. And also your dreams, they change, they could pivot. Like there were so many dreams I had when I was a little kid, and then it's like, of course, I'm not gonna be the teacher or the doctor. Like I ended up doing a whole different profession, which is an accountant, but then like you pivot. Like from that dream, like I completed that dream. Well, sort of. I still am working on my CPA, but that's irrelevant at this point. But it's like you pivot into something else. Like for me, it's a spiritual work. Like I'm so called to it, so drawn to it. And so these expectations of like you need to check the boxes, you need to have the the wife or the husband, and you need to be the wife and the daughter and have the kids and have this and have the schooling. It's like sometimes you have to blow it out of the water. It's not aligned to you. So you grieve the person who spent years begging to be loved while abandoning yourself in the process. And sometimes you cry because you realize how long you tolerated that emote, those emotional crumbs. Like one day you wake up and you kind of realize, damn, like that might have been a little toxic. And that's where just resonating and sitting with what is that came up for you. And I know some of you are feeling that in your chest right now. So I just want you to take a moment and put your hand over your heart and take a deep breath in and exhale. Because you are so worth many, many, many things. And that's where taking awareness is where we can definitely start that healing process. What if becoming more is actually becoming who you were before survival taught you otherwise? What if this journey isn't about becoming someone new? But remembering. Like remembering your voice, your intuition, your joy, your boundaries, your desires. The little girl inside, you didn't dream of surviving. She dreamed of living. And maybe now you're finally giving her that chance. You're finally holding her and getting that space of being able to do all those things. Of living life to the fullest. And again, you can pause this if you want a little bit more time, or if you want to grab your journal. That's cool too. What relationships feel misaligned now? What version of myself am I grieving? And I know some of these questions are super deep. So again, pause this if you feel needed and just ponder on it or think about it. What truth have I been afraid to admit? What would choosing myself actually look like? And maybe the biggest question is what if becoming more is exactly what my soul came here to do? Because you are worth so much. You do so much on a daily. And how sometimes we diminish that light to suit others or to fit in. But it's like, no, girl, you gotta shine bright, bright, bright, bright. There's so much that you can do in this world. And there's so much that you have to offer. And that's where, and I'm guilty of this too. It's like sometimes it's like we have these blind spots, and that's where it's so important to have people in our corner that actually shine those things for us and remind us. And again, this remembering, right? To have that fun, to be that little girl and have the dreams and be in that life, you know, full live the fullest life that we can. And the this world of ours, life in general, is just a playground. Sometimes we just trial and error until we figure out our groove, especially if it's something new. And that's where I'll challenge you to kind of go through those questions and see what comes up for you and work on it a little deeper. And I need you to hear this. You are not too much because you want depth. You are not difficult because you need that honesty. And you are not selfish because you need rest. You are not dramatic because you feel deeply. And you are not wrong for evolving. Some people will only know how to love the version of you that betrays herself. But your job is not to stay small so others remain comfortable. Your job is to become whole, is to become you. Become that version of you that you want to see. And there is no right or wrong. It's just a matter of being, like be in that present moment. Go with that intuition of what you think is gonna be the next best step. Don't doubt yourself. Because sometimes we doubt ourselves and we just stay like stagnant, stuck. And it's like take that inspired action forward, that next baby step, because that might lead you to the next one and the next one. And if you're like me and you want to control everything, of course you want to know all the steps. But trust the process that it's cracking you open. You're being given what you need at that particular point in time. And you are a resource, you have all the answers within you. If you're in this in-between season right now, I just want to say, I see you. I know how disorienting it feels to outgrow your old life, to question your identity, to feel alone in your evolution. But this discomfort, it may actually be evidence that your soul is expanding. And maybe for the first time ever, you're no longer surviving your life. You're finally meeting yourself. And that changes everything. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who may be feeling this exact shift in their life. And if you're ready for deeper conversations, healing, community, and support, come join us inside the I Mijita Collective. And remember, embrace your raíces, reclaim your essencia. Until next time, love y'all so much. Los quiero mucho. Big kiss, and until next time.