What If Midlife Is When You Rise - Guest Episode

Midlife doesn’t steal your power, it reveals where you’ve been giving it away. We sit down with Sheri Johnson, a coach who helps midlife women rewire their nervous systems, balance hormones, and reclaim feminine power, to burn down one of the most damaging myths women inherit: that our value fades as we age. If you’ve ever felt invisible, “too late,” or quietly exhausted from carrying everyone else’s comfort, this one hits deep.

We trace the roots of self doubt beyond surface-level confidence, from ageism and anti-aging messaging to pronatalism, the cultural pressure that links “good woman” with motherhood, youth, and fertility. Sheri shares why identity shifts can be brutally similar for childless-not-by-choice women and empty nest moms, and why the real wound is often not just grief. It’s self worth and belonging. We also talk about the moment many women reach midlife and feel a new “I don’t care” fire, then immediately hear the old voice that says “don’t make waves.”

You’ll leave with practical insight on people pleasing and “people protecting,” why “No is a full sentence” can fail when your nervous system is activated, and how to calm the body so boundaries don’t feel like danger. We also break down confidence vs self worth, the measuring sticks women use to judge themselves (body, titles, approval), and what becomes possible when you stop shrinking and start living on your terms. Check out Sheri’s Midlife Women Rising quiz and learn about her Midlife Rising podcast and Peru retreat for midlife women ready to rise.

If this sparked something, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs permission to take up space, and leave a review so more women can find this conversation.

Connect with Sheri here: 

https://www.midlifewomenrising.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sherijohnsoncoaching/  (@sherijohnsoncoaching)
Tik tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sherijohnsoncoaching

Take her quiz here: https://www.midlifewomenrising.com/quiz

Find out more about her retreat here: https://www.midlifewomenrising.com/peru

Want to be a guest? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/k4E2VLQAJwk2YaKq5

www.sheignitescandleco.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sheignitescandleco/

Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thekarilowe

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/1MLVk3uvJp/

email: kari@girluncovered.com

Post-production editing by SoulFlow Studios -  https://soulflowstudios.com/

Transcript

Welcome To She Ignites

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Welcome to She Ignites, the podcast where we burn the rule book, ditch the shoulds, and light up the lives we were meant to lead. I'm your host, Carrie Lowe, candlemaker, confidence dealer, and your favorite fire starter. Around here, we speak boldly, dream wildly, and show up messy and magical. If you're done playing small and ready to own your own spark, you're in the right damn place. Now let's get lit. Welcome back to the She Ignites Podcast, the space where women learn to trust themselves, reclaim their voice, and live unapologetically. I'm your host, Carrie, founder of She Ignites, and today's episode is one that I believe every single woman needs to hear, especially if you've ever felt like your value has an expiration date. Because somewhere along the way, women were quietly taught that as we age, we become less visible, less relevant, less desirable, less important. We were taught to stay busy, to stay small, to stay nice, and to keep giving and giving until there's nothing left for ourselves. And by midlife, so many women wake up exhausted, disconnected, and wondering where they went. But what if midlife isn't a crisis? What if it's actually an awakening? And what if it's the moment a woman finally returns to herself and rebuilds her self-worth from the inside out? That is exactly what we're talking about today. Welcome back, Firestarters. So today's guest is Sherry Johnson, and she is here to help midlife women rewire their nervous systems, balance their hormones, and reclaim their feminine power. She thinks of midlife as a catalyst, not a crisis, one that can transform women into the strong, courageous, and powerful leaders they were meant to be. Sherry began her coaching career as a registered holistic nutritionist and evolved into a spiritual teacher, Reiki master, and life coach for first women who had been through miscarriage, and then childless women who wanted kids, eventually transitioning to midlife women. So this conversation today is going to be honest and validating. And for many of you listening, it's going to feel like someone finally put words to what you've been feeling. So if you have ever questioned your value, if you've ever felt invisible, if you've ever wondered if your best years are behind you, I want you to lean in because this episode is your reminder that the most powerful season of your life might just be beginning. So, Sherry, I want to welcome you to the She Ignites podcast. And I'm so grateful you're here for this conversation today. And I cannot wait to learn more about you and your story. Thank you. And thanks for that beautiful introduction.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

I'm excited to have the conversation.

SPEAKER_03 3:24

Yes, yes. So as I had said before we started recording, I had um spent yesterday binging um several episodes of your podcast. And I'm so excited for you to share some of the things, you know, that you and your sister, I know you you do this business together, right? Or is it just a podcast we too together? Okay. We're running, yeah, we're running our business together as well. Okay, that's wonderful. So, you know, somewhere along the way, women are taught that the older we get, the less valuable we become. So today we are going to burn that belief to the ground. So I would love for you to tell us who you are and what the work is that you do in the world.

Pronatalism And The Worth Wound

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Yeah, where do I start? So as you so beautifully said in your introduction, I help midlife women to really, it's the reason I felt so aligned with your podcast is it's all about reigniting. And we're we are taught or conditioned somehow, I think since early childhood, that at least in the Western world, that the older you get, the less valuable you get. And that keeps us behaving in certain ways, particularly as we hit our 40s and beyond. And so I came to this through my experience of being childless, that what was what I could see was that the things that we feel when we don't have kids is this difference between between mothers and us. And mothers don't, mothers are gosh, what what am I trying to say here? There's a big difference between there's almost like a gap between how childless women feel and and mothers. And what really became apparent to me is that childless women, women who wanted kids, that is, and were never able to have them for whatever reason, at the heart of what they were feeling was not just grief, but this feeling of, I'm not as good as, I'm not as worthy as. And as I began to work with them and going through this journey myself as someone who doesn't have children, I could look around and see that it's the same thing that other women, other mothers were feeling as they hit their 40s and 50s and beyond. And what I realized, this is a long way to answer your question. What I realized is that our world, our patriarchal system that we're living in, has a subset called pronatalism. And we're taught that in order to be a good person, a good woman, you need to also be a mother. You need to bear children, you need to raise children. And that's partly what also keeps us feeling like we have to be young, we have to be fertile, we have to be beautiful. It's it's sort of all linked together. We tie our value to youth, to motherhood, to being the super mom, being the busy mom. And so coming back to your original question, I think I'm kind of outlining how I came to this realization that this is important work, that we all have this. It's not just childless women. I thought it was, but it's it's actually all of us. We have this core wound that makes us feel like we're never enough. So that's what we want to change. And it comes from all these different things. And I think that's what you're here for is to change that in your way. And it's very aligned with what I'm doing with mine.

SPEAKER_03 7:41

It sounds like it. Yes, absolutely. So, what is it about? Was there a specific reason that called you into supporting women in midlife instead of those that are at the beginning of their journey without children?

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Yeah. The the point at which most women realize that they're not going to have kids is the same point where they're losing their fertility.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

So they're usually in their 40s, fertility is declining. They're starting to realize, oh, this is the end of the line. And it's the same, the conversations that I was having with childless women were the same things that I was hearing from the mothers. It was the, you know, the emptiness, for example. Sure. Starts to feel these identity shifts. Yeah. So did you feel like this sort of identity shift, this maybe some grief at, okay, I'm no longer needed the way I was.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

Did you feel some of that? Yes. Yes. And I still do. Um, you know, I am I'm working through, I think it's a journey, you know, every day, regardless of which side of that you're on. Um, but yes, absolutely. Because, you know, our I as a mother, your identity is wrapped up into your children's safety, development, teaching them resourcefulness and all of that. And then when they're gone, you're like, what do I do now? Um, you know, even if you have a career, um, a job outside the home, which I do, um, you know, you still feel like there's just this emptiness. Um, and it takes a little while to embrace it. And I have learned to do that. I miss my kids being at home, you know, all the time, but I am I'm embracing it and am adjusting to the silence. And there are some days I really like it.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Yeah. And so that's so interesting because it's the same, it's a very similar. I mean, there's probably childless women who are listening to this going, no, it's not the same. And yet the empty nest, I mean, the the the women who don't get to have kids, they have a perpetual empty nest, but it's the same identity shift. They're shifting from, I've always wanted to be a mom, I always thought I was going to be a mom, to I I'm going to have an empty nest forever. So there's it's it's obviously different, but there's elements that are very similar in that the identity is shifting. And there's grief that comes with that identity shift. And there's feelings of loss or emptiness and feelings of, oh, who am I now? Who, you know, without kids and without, you know, that same identity of I'm raising kids, what who am I? So there's a reckoning happening that's similar for both. So, and it's not just that. I mean, that's just one piece of it, but that really I what the things that I was seeing in childless women were universal. The things that they were subjected to, the things that they were saying to themselves, it's the same thing that all women are saying to themselves. You recognize it across the board. So I started to feel like I've got to expand. It can't just be, yes, I still talk to childless women, I still coach them, but I have a broader message.

SPEAKER_03 11:18

Okay. Wonderful. So the more women you can help, the the better that is, right? So when it comes to you, you talked a lot about the identity shift. So I'm curious, you know, if you can share with, you know, any, the, the childless woman or the one that is um moving into empty nester life. How do you navigate that shift? First uh for when motherhood doesn't happen. Is there is there a a message you have for women to help them, you know, navigate how they're making that shift in their identity and what they thought that they were going to be, but they aren't?

SPEAKER_02 12:00

I think that is the message. I think so. What happens when childless women first begin to realize or when they're trying to make the decision, do I stop IVF? Do I, you know, they're they're just beginning their journey. They're feeling a lot of grief. And what I see most of them doing is focusing on like, how do I let go of this grief? And the message that I have for them is it's not just grief. It's your core sense of self-worth that's at risk here that is suffering. And that's also where you need to focus. That's what's affecting your sense of belonging, your feeling of not fitting in. Um, your the ideas that now I'm, you know, I'm hitting my 40s or even 50s soon. And now what? So navigating that requires not just looking at the grief. It requires looking at what are you making that identity shift mean about you? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Yes. Yes. So what like is there a moment that you can remember when you realized, you know, my life can still be beautiful and powerful without being a mom in the traditional sense?

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah, there was actually. It was I remember sitting on the couch with my husband, and we were faced with a decision. Do we, I was 45, and the question was do we move forward with IVF with a donor egg? That was the one option that was presented to us after a bunch of failed IUIs and miscarriages and a bunch of money sunk, a bunch of heartbreak. And so it felt like a really heavy decision. And I remember just talking with my husband about, you know, we we already are childless, like we have been for our entire adulthood so far.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

And we live a pretty good life. So can we just keep living like this? And we kind of looked at each other and thought, you know, this is what we make of it. Like we do have a pretty good life. There's so many benefits to not having children. Of course, there's so many to having children, but there were so many things that we could do that our friends were just not even able to access, didn't have the time, the funds, whatever it was. So yeah, I remember it pretty clearly. And of course, that decision was like we did not make it in that moment. It was absolutely we made it in that moment and then we went back on it, and then we went back on it again, and then one of us would say, maybe we should know, maybe so. There was a lot of back and forth.

Empty Nest And Childless Grief

SPEAKER_03 15:07

Right. So you had had mentioned, you know, that self-worth takes a hit in midlife. Is there like a specific message or messages that you see society has given women about aging and value and where those messages filter into our brains, like brains from like what directions?

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Yeah. So there's a couple directions that could go here. I mean, the easy one is that aging is a decline. Aging means no longer beautiful. Like all of that comes from marketing and the like trillion dollar industry that is Botox and anti-aging proper um products and all that stuff. The bigger message that I have is the one, the modeling that we get from our mothers, our grandmothers, other women in society, culture, religion. It's a system in which we live that drives women to please others, to perfect, to be you've talked about perfectionism on the podcast before, but to not accept help. I was just listening to another podcast guest of yours talking about not being able to accept or ask for help. There's we're driven to these, we call them midlife coping strategies. And they are the they're what drive us to exhaustion, really, to be busy, to keep doing because we never ever feel like we're enough until we have done it all, which is impossible. We can't do it all. So that's the one that really that's the conditioning that we're really here to break down is that box that we're living that that has wired us to exhaust ourselves with the doing we're never enough. And that is self-worth. Sure, sure.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

So when do you when do you see that women start disappearing from their life the most? Do you think that is more in midlife? Or do you think it, you know, as you were just talking about how we've been conditioned from childhood, um, you know, in some spaces, you know, I know every woman grows up differently, but we are all still told, don't make waves, you know, make people comfortable, respect authority, you know, don't speak up when um, you know, you're uncomfortable. So do you think it's more gradual, or do you think they that we retreat in our midlife?

SPEAKER_02 18:13

That's such a good question. I think we retreat in different ways. So in our 20s, maybe it's more 30s, we retreat into motherhood. And if you're not a mother, then you retreat into the trying. Um, and that for some women might be trying to find a partner that might be trying to find like chasing the um the the treatments, whatever. But we retreat into that. It's a different kind of retreat when we hit midlife. So when we hit midlife, there's so much happening in your, you know, in your forty, your late forties, early fifties, and actually I think of midlife as kind of 40 plus. We begin to retreat because we're taught that as you age, you gain you have less value. So a lot of women talk about becoming or feeling invisible, feeling irrelevant, feeling like they are no longer valuable. And this shows up in the workplace, it shows up in social circles, you know, our society, and this is changing, of course, but our society sort of the only role, the noble, the most noble role for women once they are past their fertility, their fertile years, is grandmother. If you're not that or outside of that, then what? So we're taught, like we're conditioned. It's not like nobody comes out and says, you know, you you're no longer relevant or you're no longer valuable as you age, but it's the it's the examples, it's the modeling that we get. We get quieter, we retreat in a sense. And I say that, I'm just I'm thinking about your question. I say that because in midlife, there's also this like if you want it to be, it can be this catalyst for something way more like you you suddenly all that fertile energy, the reproductive energy, that's gone. I mean, that's not gone, it's redirected. You're no longer, it's no longer funneled towards reproduction. So we have all this energy that we could be spending on something meaningful, something big, something valuable. So some women will embrace that. You obviously have.

SPEAKER_03 21:06

So to to lead into that. So I have, you know, I still have this self-worth issue. Part of mine is weight related. I have health problems and, you know, so all of that, you know, the midlife perimenopause, all of that, you know, comes into play with all of that. But on the other side, I have this new I don't care mentality. I don't care what you think about me. Um, if if something happens at work and I don't agree with it, for the first time in my life, I'm standing up for myself. And so what do you see for like the women that are in that I don't care stage, but at the same time still having self-doubt? What do you think? I think the um how do you how do you manage that when you have two differing you know feelings internally where you know you you're in situations where like I don't care if I make waves, I don't care if I make you uncomfortable. I'm not making you uncomfortable, you are being uncomfortable by me standing up for myself. And that's a you issue, not a me issue. And you know, I'm taking away the people pleaser of me, but I still have this little voice in my mind that's like, you really shouldn't be making waves because you've been told for 52 years not to. So how do you how do you manage that balance?

Ageism And Midlife Coping Strategies

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Yeah, well, you fuel the passionate one, the I don't care, and you nurture the other. And part of the work that we do is figuring out whose voice that is that's still saying, no, you don't get to make waves. No, because that's not your voice. You weren't right, you know, if you think back to your childhood, you probably said whatever the heck you wanted. Right. You didn't care if it made waves. It wasn't until you hit puberty that you started worrying about what everybody else thinks. And oh no, you're, you know, we start getting this messaging that no, you're supposed to be nice, not too aggressive. You're not, you're not supposed to get angry. You're supposed to, you know, bottle up those emotions and be nurturing and be, you can be emotional, you can be sad, you can be teary, but you can't be angry. So when we get to midlife and the hormones start to shift again, those hormones actually fuel that I don't care mentality. And it's the society conditioning, it's the sometimes religious, patriarchal, pronatalist conditioning. That's that's the little voice on your shoulder that's telling you, no, no, no, you don't get to do this. So that's the core of the work that we do is where is that voice coming from? What were all the influences in your life, in our society, in our culture that fuel that little voice? And how can we break that down within you? And like, let's do that as a society, like as a movement.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

I love that. I know that, you know, I have been in situations where, you know, in the past couple of years where I have all, as I said, I've always been, I don't, I don't know if you have I I have a podcast where I think that it is published, but it was where I was talking about that I thought that I was a people pleaser, but I was actually, I have actually been a people protector because I didn't necessarily want to make people happy, but I wanted to protect their happiness. So I would make myself uncomfortable in order to make them comfortable. And, you know, I would gauge the mood in the room before I decided how I was going to behave or respond because they didn't want to upset people. And I have, you know, gotten to the point where I want to not worry about that anymore, but there's still that, you know, obviously that little piece. Do you think so, in your work with your sister, do you help women completely remove that voice that's in their mind, or just as you said, nurture it and grow to love that voice because it's a part of you, or teach fulfillment with still hearing that voice? How does that work?

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Oh, that's a great question. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We so that little voice most of the time is not your own. So we so the first thing really is to notice it. What's that voice saying? Where might it be coming from? What are all the things it's it's doing? It's it's noticing it so often. So for example, people protecting. We would categorize that as people pleasing. It might not be making trying to make people happy, but it's trying to manage people's emotions. What you're doing there, you and not just you, everybody. This is what we do. If you're a people pleaser, if you're a people protector. What you're doing is trying to avoid an uncomfortable emotion. So the uncomfortable emotion is usually if I don't, if I make this person upset, or if this person is uncomfortable because of something that I said or did, or because I said no, that's actually that's shame, it's guilt. Um, it's this feeling of I'm gonna, I'm a I'm a bad person if I say this next thing. And this all happens in a split second. So your nervous system is ramping up. It's going, no, no, no, no, no. We like we need to make everybody happy, or we need to make sure that people aren't aren't uncomfortable, or we don't want to make waves, whatever, whatever it is, it's it is pleasing or protecting others so that you don't have to feel an uncomfortable emotion yourself. And your nervous system will throw you into that state without you even being conscious of it. So, one of the things that we need to do is get at the nervous system. You hear lots of people talk about nervous system, the nervous system and how it becomes activated in certain moments. And that's one of them. You know, for example, you try to say no to something that you don't want to do, but you just feel like your nervous system ramps up, your heart rate starts beating, and before, you know, you try to say no, and before you know it, that yes is coming out of your mouth. Right. So the nervous system is ramping up because you've got some sort of subconscious belief that is stemming from I'm supposed to be nice, or I'm, this is gonna make me a bad person if I, if I don't protect this person, or if I say no, or whatever that is. So that's two things that we want to work on getting to is the subconscious belief that's driving and the nervous system pattern that has developed because that's kept you safe in some way. So we dismantle those. And then if you feel calm and somebody's in the room who's, you know, upset or that you're afraid you might be upset if you make waves or state your opinion or or whatever you want to do, if you have a calm nervous system, it won't matter. You can say what you want to say.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

So now, do you think this was another I had just made a note because I wanted to mention this. Um, and that this kind of leads into it that I have noticed that because I've always been, I haven't always been agreeable. Like if something happens at work and I'm like, I don't think that's going to work. I speak up, but I I say it in a way that I I don't desire to say it, right? I'm I'm calm and kind, and not that I'm not kind, but you know, sometimes there are just things that you're like, this is not right. We need to, we need to fix this. But I have found that as I have shifted into more of that do not care mentality and I'm speaking up for what I believe is right, I have noticed that the people that have been around me for years and years as friends or family or coworkers, that all of a sudden, excuse me, I'm a bitch because I am not this agreeable person that I used to be. And so then while I feel like powerful and and like proud of myself for speaking my voice, for using my voice, there's also this part that's like, oh my gosh, here I am following what I believe, and this person now thinks I'm mean um or not nice or whatever it might be, just because I don't agree with them. So how do you think, how do we overcome that feeling when we're stepping into the side of us that we want to be?

SPEAKER_02 31:04

So I think what you're asking is how do I stop caring what those other people think? Yes. So how do I stop caring that they think I'm mean now because I'm now stating what I feel or what I believe is right or wrong. Is that it?

From Invisibility To Redirected Power

SPEAKER_03 31:24

Yes, because you know, I know that I have I have heard people say podcasts, reading in books, things of that nature. No is a full sentence. You don't need to explain if someone asks you to do something and you say no, period. That's the end of it without feeling the need to explain. But I think as women, we want to soften that blow, right? And so we do that explanation. So that's kind of the same instance here where you don't want people to think badly of you because you have changed your stance or the way you handle things in an office meeting because you are finally stepping into your full self.

SPEAKER_02 32:09

Yeah, there's a couple things I want to say about that. So caring what other people think, that is like that's linked to your self-worth. So it's it's normal and good that you care what your loved ones think and what the people who are close to you think. And yet when we care too much about what other people think, we stop saying what we believe because we're worried, we go into that, as you said before, it's linked to the people protecting, right? Right. It's the same thing. So it comes back to am I worthy even though they don't like me anymore, or am I worthy because they think I'm mean? And the the right answer is yes, you are. You get to speak your mind, you get to say what your opinion is. Of course, there's loving ways to say things. You know, you can speak your mind in loving ways. You don't have to be, and not that I'm it sounds like you're just stating your opinion. You're not being there's a there's a difference between being a bitch. There's a difference between being mean and simply stating your opinion. So I think part of the question is are you being bitchy about it, or are you simply stating your opinion? And if you believe that you are you're stating your opinion, maybe you're passionate about it. That also doesn't make you a bitch. That doesn't make you mean. Right. So there's kind of a a surface level question there, like what's the difference between being bitchy and saying what you really think? And then the deeper level question is am I caring too much about what this person thinks? Am I making it mean something about me? Am I making, you know, if they think I'm mean, does that mean I'm less? Does that mean I'm a mean person?

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

Does that am I making it mean something about me? And then the other thing that you said that I really wanted to comment on was the no is a full sentence. Does that work for you? No, it does not. Me neither. I don't, I don't think like that's I think that I've seen so many posts out there and and people saying like no is a full sentence. But for most women, they can like willpower does not allow you to say no. It like sheer force, you can try as hard as you want to say no and leave it at that. But if your nervous system ramps up, you're not gonna be able to do it. Right. So you can't, it's we can't will ourselves into just saying no without getting at why we're why it's so hard in the first place.

SPEAKER_03 35:17

You know what I mean? Right. Yes, absolutely. And I have found myself, you know, someone asks me to do something and like, thank you for the opportunity, but that doesn't fit into my schedule right now, or I don't have the bandwidth to, you know, to devote the time needed for it. So I do those type of things because I want, especially if it's a situation where I'm honored that I was asked to do something. I want them to understand that it just isn't gonna fit in my life right now. Maybe, you know, maybe it's a maybe, but down the road, not right now. Uh so that's typically how I handle that, unless it's something that is like, you know, offensive or like absolutely not. I don't want to be a part of that. Um, but that's typically how I handle that. But I agree with you, it's very hard just to say no and that be the end of it. Um, because I think we also feel the need to not have someone go out and say, wow, she refused to help me with this, or she refused to take part in this. And I feel like I want there to be a reason, and I want them to understand the reason that it's not because I'm being cruel or you know, that I don't want to help because it's not in my heart. I just need to give them a reason. Um, so I'm glad that you said that because it's so many conversations I have with women that say that. And I'm like, but is it really, can we really function that way with just saying no and walking away? Maybe if it's a yeah, fill on that drink, no. That's about it, right? Even then it's a no thank you.

People Pleasing And Nervous System Patterns

SPEAKER_02 36:59

Just end that no. Because there's so much awkwardness that arrives after a no, big long pause. Awkward. Silent nervous system ramps up, and then we rush to fill the silence. So, you know, I think it's perfectly fine to say, you know, I'm gonna say no, or at least I'm gonna say not right now, but maybe in the future. Or I'm gonna say, it doesn't really feel aligned for me right now, but let me think about it. Right. There's nothing wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That feels that feels like a kind and loving answer to me and preserves the relationship. We have solved this problem today, have we not?

SPEAKER_03 37:46

We have. Easy answer. I want to ask you about confidence um and in women. So do you feel like confidence and self-worth are two different things, or that they play into one another? Because I feel like they're two separate things for myself, because I am very confident about certain things. Um, I can speak and train in front of a room full of people and be very confident about my message, my skills, my intelligence, but I'm very um my self-worth is going to be diminished because I'm like, okay, how do I look in this outfit because I'm overweight, or you know, I can't wear heels because of my back issues. And, you know, so I want to know how tell me what women get wrong about confidence and self-worth and your suggestion for navigating that.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

I absolutely agree with what you said that confidence is different than self-worth. And you kind of hit the the nail on the head. Confidence is about it's more about skills. You can be confident and capable of doing something or being something and still lack self-worth. So this is this is an interesting conversation, and it's actually often triggering towards women who are confident and successful. And you know, most of most women are successful and confident in the work that they do, particularly by the time they hit their 40s and 50s. They've been doing it for a while.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 39:41

They're confident in presenting or being a doctor or whatever it is that they do, they can be confident in a room full of people in a social situation, and yet can still be worried about how they look in the dress. They can still be worried about how do I sound when I'm sitting at the boardroom table? Can I state this opinion or are they all gonna look at me funny? And that's where self-worth comes in. So self-worth is a core. Um it's if you have self-worth that carries through anything. Whereas confidence, you know, I can have confidence in in coaching. That's what I do for a living. But if you put me on a surfboard, I have no confidence. Right, right. I don't do it every day. So it's kind of a simplistic example, but your self-worth will carry, you know, here's here's what might help to drive it home. If I get up on a surfboard and I fall, that doesn't mean that I'm a loser. It doesn't mean I'm a terrible person, it doesn't mean anything about me. It doesn't mean I'm a I've failed. It doesn't mean I'm a failure. It just means I haven't learned how to surf yet.

SPEAKER_03 41:14

Right.

SPEAKER_02 41:15

But if you believe that surfing makes you more valuable, or if you may if you believe that having a slimmer body makes you more valuable and more worthy, then you're gonna worry if I don't look good in the dress, if I don't look good on the surfboard, that means something about me.

SPEAKER_03 41:34

Oh, yes, definitely. That makes perfect sense.

SPEAKER_02 41:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:42

It's a nuance that's hard to explain and hard to embody. Like when I was first exploring my self-worth, like this I this whole idea of self-worth, I was in this world where women are always saying, you know, you're w you're worthy even though you don't have children. That's kind of the the thing that people say in that world. You're still worthy. We are worthy. And I was like, Well, sure I am, of course I am. You know, you can intellectualize it, but I didn't really know how to embody it or even what it felt like to embody it.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

So it's a knowing, but there's a difference in feeling it, right? Yes, yeah, it's a knowing.

SPEAKER_02 42:31

Yeah. And it's it can show up in different parts of your life or in different aspects. And it but so this is how I explain it. We have different measuring sticks. And for some women, for a very long time, one of my own measuring sticks was how how thin I was. I had determined from a young age that slim people are more important. Slim people are more beautiful, they're more important in the world, they are more valuable. And so I was constantly measuring my body against that ideal because I felt that it made me more worthy. For other people, it's how much money do you have? What's your title at work? Are you a VP, a director? Do you have a big title? That's what makes that's their measuring stick. For others, it's it's who you know. It's um, you know, those are the name droppers. For them, it's important. Right. That somehow makes them important. The if they know more important people, then that makes them important or valuable. So we all have these measuring sticks, so our self worth shows up in different ways. But it's it's still a core knowing.

SPEAKER_03 44:00

that is you know what like this is how I've described it before it's like a muscle like we can practice it we can we can build it and it can also atrophy so there's certain things that affect it like aging ageism that sort of that if we if we fall into that trap then that's gonna atrophy that self-worth muscle but if we start lifting the the you know the three pound weights and then the five pound weights we start practicing self-worth then it begins to grow again I love that I love that this is the this is a lot of i i'm making notes as we're talking and I see that you know and and when you were talking about like the different measuring stick you know being thin the name droppers your title and then I'm I'm sitting here thinking well that opens a whole other door to conversation about how if if my measuring stick is weight and your measuring stick is title then and someone else is in the rooms is the name dropping who you know then that makes it that can potentially make it even harder for us to communicate with one another because we're we're not on the same we don't start out on the same playing field, right? And so it might make it harder for us to understand you know the insecurities that that one another have. And that's why I love these conversations because it opens you know opens so many doors but also gives me things to think about and you know ways to expand conversation that I'm having especially with women um you know to enlighten myself and and maybe help understanding come about more so what what you know a lot of the what we talk about on at SheIgnites is about women shrinking so what happens when women stop shrinking what do you witness with your coaching and the women that have stopped um you know hiding themselves what do what do you witness in them and their personality and how they move forward with life I love this question because I've seen so many women shift and change and it's a beautiful metamorphosis.

Confidence Versus Self Worth

SPEAKER_02 46:34

A couple of clients like I'll give you an example of one client that I had who she was a childless client and she came to me and you know what's so interesting all of my childless clients they come to me because they they feel something about they feel some grief they feel like they're not enough because they don't have kids. But what we end up talking about is their work. It's so interesting. This has happened so many times. So this one client she was struggling with not feeling like she belonged not feeling like she was good enough to join the conversations with other moms. She she had all kinds of of feelings of not being good enough. And that of course trickles into your work as well and she was in a job that was sort of ho-hum for her she was a a college she still is she's a college music professor and she said to me one day you know what I really want to do I want to go back to composing music. And I asked her what what's stopping you now you know she and she at some point thought like it it came back to Self Worth. It came back to well I've just got to keep this job that I'm at even though I don't love it. Within a couple of months she started composing again and several months after that she messaged me to say she was her one of her compositions was being it was going to the Grammys. Oh so she was part of a group of um classical she did classical composition so she was part of a group that was using her composition and they were performing and were up for an award. And I was like what an amazing thing that happened because she finally decided that she was worthy enough and good enough to compose music. So that's the kind of thing I what I see so to sum that up what I see happening is a transition from the shrinking the like I'm just gonna keep living on autopilot doing what I you know quote unquote should be doing and instead living life on their terms doing what feels aligned and authentic and exciting and intentional and inspirational.

SPEAKER_03 49:28

And that's like imagine if we all did that oh my yes yes and she probably just like lights up now knowing that she followed that path and it was not just a wish she actually followed through with it. I love that and that's a big deal that's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

And it didn't take long like it was within months that she went and did this and so you know she did something that felt truly aligned and authentic and joyful and brought her like all of the things that she wanted to feel that's when we do really great things.

SPEAKER_03 50:10

Yes yes and the impact that happens we can have on others because we we follow our own heart I think is is powerful in itself. The ripple effect yes yes for sure so I have just a couple more questions for you so I always ask my guests this question so what is your inner hype song or anthem that you turn on when you need to channel your fiercest self because music is healing and it's energizing. And so I I have a playlist she ignites playlist and I would love to know what your song is oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

Okay so I know what it is and what is it called I cannot think of it right now.

SPEAKER_01 50:55

Um unstoppable okay yes that's a good one that would probably be the one um yeah it's probably on your playlist already.

SPEAKER_03 51:10

Yeah I think I think it might be but I will double check so I my final question uh before we talk a little bit more about you I want to hear about your quiz and but you know I have had and this is something that I thought as well so you know this is a an emotional piece. So when I approached midlife my my I think my journey has been a little bit different because you know and not to get all you know reproductive here but I haven't had a cycle for 20 years because after I had my last child I had an ablation and so I like as I was getting older I'm like how am I going to know when I enter that phase because you know I was I was always lucky that I didn't have a lot of PMS and you know that emotional outburst and the cravings and stuff like that before cycle but I I still had I still feel the feelings right and the hot flashes and all of that. But before I experienced that I'm like how am I going to know when I'm there and obviously I have learned that I know but I also have thought you know I have when it comes to the emotional side of midlife I've lived this way for 52 years right I've lived this way for so long why why do I need to change grow or evolve so on the other side of that what would you say to the woman who feels like time is running out so either they feel like time is running out it's too late to change it's too late to um you know follow your dream your passion or that they've just been that way for their life why why bother fixing it now and making themselves feel better that's an interesting question.

SPEAKER_02 53:12

The first thing that I want to say is if you are in like if you've hit 40 and you're already saying that you haven't even lived like maybe you've lived half your life chances are you haven't even lived half of it yet and even if you've hit 50 like you could have another 40 years. So that to me is is societal conditioning that has us believing that you're over the hill when you hit 40 or 50 that it it all starts to decline that's the lie that's the myth like that's that's when we you know when you hit 50 like this is when life can be amazing. It can be what you decide you want it to be it's only marketing and messaging and society that has told us that we begin to decline. So I think that we grow up with this fear of aging and we start to give up when we get close to the you know certain ages when I don't know I'm 53 and I feel like I'm living the best life ever. Like I wouldn't go back to my 20s for anything. Right. So I don't know if I answered your full question.

What Changes When Women Stop Shrinking

SPEAKER_03 54:48

That was the first thing that I wanted to say about it did I yes and I think it's funny like one of my favorite TV shows is the golden girls and it's you know my husband and I talk about it all the time like when we're watching it the the golden girls are my age like they're exactly my age and look at them you know they're yeah isn't that wild and they're struggling and you know I I love the you know the vision that we have come this far since that era because I don't feel tired like that. I don't feel like I need to dress like a great great great grandma you know I and I love that but at the same time there are moments when I'm like oh I'm I'm tired because I've done this I've done this for so long right but I love that that change has has shifted or that that viewpoint of middle age has shifted and that we as women just continue to to become better and stronger and and more vocal and um you know lighting ourselves up and I love that so much. Mm-hmm. So I I want to hear about your quiz um which I have taken but tell tell our listeners about that and you know this gives gives a chance as well for you to to tell them how to connect with you and what that starting point would look like and you know anything that you do to support women in midlife and you know what your services are thank you for bringing that up yeah yeah so we touched on it earlier actually there are I might have even said this we believe we've categorized midlife coping strategies into six six midlife coping strategies.

SPEAKER_02 56:43

Perfectionism is one of them people pleasing is another there's six of them and most women exhibit elements of all six but they tend to have a dominant one and it's what keeps them busy it's what keeps them exhausted it's what keeps them living small it's what keeps them from tapping into their own intuition and their alignment. And so the quiz is all about getting to which is your dominant and how do we begin to break that down. So if you want to take the quiz, you've already taken it it's at midlifewomenrising.com slash quiz. I'm sure you're gonna link that up in the show notes. Absolutely yes yes midlifewomenrising.com slash quiz to find out what your dominant coping strategy is and you're gonna get a a write up about how that particular coping strategy has kept you safe and how to begin to dismantle it so that you can begin living life on your terms and living more authentically and all those things we just talked about.

SPEAKER_03 57:53

Wonderful so tell tell our listeners a little bit about your podcast which is amazing by the way and I love that that you do that with your sister and you know have conversation and um and just talk tell stories about how how it relates to other women.

Quiz Podcast Retreat And Ways To Connect

SPEAKER_02 58:11

I think that's beautiful yeah so my sister she's my twin sister actually we we have a podcast called Midlife Rising and we started that as really it was going to be just kind of a little passion project because we talk about all this stuff together anyway. We thought let's just hit record. Right and so we did and we talk about all those a lot of what I brought up on the episode today we are really all about teaching women how to tap back into that feminine power living life on their terms even in midlife can be the best chapter. So that's the podcast that's um midlife rising it's on all the different podcast platforms so you can find us anywhere. Wonderful is there anything else that you would like to share you know if you don't mind there's one offering that I would love to shout out right now we have a retreat coming up in Peru in November and we are just opening that up right now. So the this is really actually wonderful timing. So it's just for midlife women who want to reclaim their power, their aliveness, live life on their terms Oh my goodness that sounds wonderful.

SPEAKER_03 59:42

Now where can um someone find the information about that? Midlifewomenrising.com slash Peru oh I'm going to look at that as soon as we're finished here that's how you should it's gonna be they're they're wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:01

Oh yeah well and this one is gonna be extra special we're going to Machu Picchu we're not doing the whole Inca Trell but we're gonna go see Machu Picchu as a part of it and it's and then of course all the the other retreat stuff that you do on retreats. But yeah that's gonna be a highlight yeah yeah thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:21

That's exciting yes so I mean this the conversation that we've had I knew just listening to your podcast and then you know the information that I've I've seen about you that you know that this was going to be powerful and validating and you know such an important reminder um you know that midlife is not where we fade. It's where we rise and you know I I just love the conversation we've had and the information you've shared and I know that it's going to help um the listeners and they're gonna want to tune in to your information and your podcast and your quiz and I'm just so blessed and thankful that you were a guest on my podcast today. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:05

It's been such a it's been a great conversation you ask wonderful questions. So thank you for that and for holding the space for us. Thank you.

Closing Question And Final Charge

SPEAKER_03 1:01:14

Thank you I know that there are women listening right now who feel seen in a way that they haven't felt in a long time women who are realizing that their exhaustion their busyness their self-doubt isn't a personal failure it's conditioning and it's something that they have the power to rebuild and rewind. Thank you Sherry for the work that you're doing to help women reclaim their self-worth regulate their nervous systems and step into this season of life with strength and clarity instead of fear and to everyone listening if this episode spoke to you I want you to sit with one question. Where in my life have I been measuring my worth by outdated expectations and what would change if I decided today that my value hasn't diminished it's evolved you are not behind you are not past your prime and you are not too late to reclaim your voice your power and your joy if this conversation resonated share it with another woman who needs to hear it tag us, message us and tell us what part hit home for you. And as always keep lighting your own fire and giving other women permission to do the same. And I'll see you in the next episode. Well that's it for today babe but your fire is just getting started. If you're feeling lit up go ahead and hit subscribe leave a spicy little review and tag me at sheignites candleco so I can hype you up remember the world doesn't need a quieter version of you it needs the bold blazing fully expressed view. Until next time keep glowing keep going and never ever dim your damn light