You Are Not Lost, You Are Outgrowing Survival- Guest

If you have ever been called “so strong” while quietly falling apart, this conversation is for you. I’m sitting down with De Shell Parker, a healing-centered speaker, author, and coach who helps high-achieving women stop overfunctioning and reconnect with who they actually are beneath the roles, expectations, and pressure. We get honest about what it costs to be the emotional anchor at home and the rock at work, especially when the mask starts cracking and your inner whisper will not let you keep performing. 

We talk about the first real step that changes everything: learning to say no and stepping away from what drains you, even when it looks good on paper. De Shell breaks down why boundaries are a practice, not a personality trait, and why choosing yourself can feel unfamiliar in your nervous system. If you struggle with overexplaining, guilt, or feeling “mean” for having a clean no, you’ll hear language you can use and a perspective that keeps you grounded when other people push back. 

We also go deeper into identity work through journaling, free writing, and personal rituals that help you return to yourself. De Shell names the core problem with overdoing: your value gets wrapped up in what you do instead of who you are. From there, we explore authentic leadership through appropriate vulnerability and the courage to tell the truth in spaces built on performance. 

Finally, we open up a powerful thread on spiritual identity and what it looks like to question inherited beliefs, build rituals that actually nourish you, and choose a path rooted in love, honesty, and interconnectedness. If you’re ready to put the cape down and reclaim your voice, press play, then subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more women can find this conversation.

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Transcript

Welcome To She Ignites

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Welcome to She Ignites, the podcast where we burn the rule book, ditch the shoulds, and light up the lives we were meant to lead. I'm your host, Carrie Lowe, candlemaker, confidence dealer, and your favorite fire starter. Around here, we speak boldly, dream wildly, and show up messy and magical. If you're done playing small and ready to own your own spark, you're in the right damn place. Now let's get lit. Welcome back, Firestarters. To the space where we stop performing, start telling the truth, and finally live like we mean it. Today's conversation, this one is for the woman who has been everything for everyone else. You know, the one who holds it all together, the one people depend on, the one who gets called strong, but secretly feels exhausted, disconnected, and wondering, when do I get to be me? Because what happens when being the reliable one starts costing you your voice? Today I'm sitting down with Deshell Parker, a healing-centered speaker, author, and coach who helps high-achiev women release over functioning and reconnect with who they actually are beneath all the roles, expectations, and pressure. We're talking about reconnection, reclamation, and realignment. We're talking about putting the cape down and we're talking about what really looks like to walk in your truth, not just talk about it. So if you've been carrying too much for far too long, this conversation might just be the moment you finally let some of it go.

What She Ignites Really Means

SPEAKER_02 2:08

So my guest today is Dashelle Parker, and I am so excited to connect with you, and I want to welcome you to the She Ignites podcast. And thank you for being a guest.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to be here.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Yeah. So before we dive into your story, um, I one question that I always love asking women is when you hear the words she ignites, what does that mean to you?

SPEAKER_00 2:35

It's so refreshing. It means that I am living my truth despite what the world is telling me.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Wonderful. Wonderful. So now, how long or was there a certain moment that made you realize that you need to start living your own truth instead of what others told you that your truth was?

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Interesting that you say a certain moment. I certainly believe that there are several moments. There are breadcrumbs that are dropped throughout our lifetime that really lead us to that place of being able to own and live and walk more in your truth. But I will say for me, it was somewhere in my 40s, around that early 40 years where I had a series of deaths and tragedy and family things going on and just all kinds of drama, I'll say. And it was at that point where I really noticed my armor starting to crack. And as those pieces dropped behind me, I was still very accustomed to hiding and performing and wearing the mask and keeping the smile on and holding it all together despite how I felt on the inside. But that was definitely a period where my whisper, my inner whisper, was consistent and steady. And I finally listened. And it was at that point where even though it was going to be unknown and very scary to be able to continue to listen to that whisper and walk in that truth every day, I made a decision that that was what I was going to do.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

So I was so interested when I talk with women, some of them have that very defining moment where it happened for them, and others were kind of like you, you know, you're dropping those breadcrumbs, and you're like, something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel like me. I don't know who I am, but it I don't feel like me that I should. So I'm curious, what were your what was your very first step at um, you know, reclaiming and living your own truth?

The First No That Changed Everything

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Starting to say no and remove myself from things that drained me. I think that was the biggest thing because I came to the realization that much of my life was filled with things I thought I was supposed to do, and all the things I was reaching for in terms of who I'm supposed to be. And so I'm supposed to go to church, I'm supposed to have this kind of social circle, I'm supposed to socialize this much, I'm supposed to want to climb the corporate ladder, I'm supposed to be this kind of daughter, I'm supposed to be here for my family in this way. My life was filled with I'm supposed to's. And when I started to listen to the whisper, I learned to lean into what felt good, what expanded me as opposed to what drained me. And when I committed to making that shift, that meant I started to withdraw from environments that didn't fill me up, even though they looked good on paper. I started to withdraw from people that didn't pour into me, even though I was supposed to be around those people. When I started to do that, my world started to shift in a way that I really didn't expect, but it expanded me and lifted me up. It opened me up in a way that was so incredibly liberating that it was almost like a drug. Where I want more of this. This feels really good. Even though the people around me are not liking it. Even though they're saying, What's wrong with her? Why is she doing that? Oh, Cher acting funny. What's going on? What do you mean you don't want to go? No, I don't want to go to the event. I would rather be alone. No, I don't want to go on this trip with 20 people. I'm actually gonna go to the mountains by myself and go on a yoga tree. Like because that's what I want to do. Um, and so that was really the first step. It was starting to say no to things that drained me and instead lean into those things that filled me up and expanded me, knowing there was gonna be a cost.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

So, did you, as you said, that people were like, what's wrong with you? So you got a lot of pushback from that?

Pushback, Tears, And Breaking Patterns

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Oh, yeah, I got pushback. Like it's not like the world just falls in line when you start to ignite and align with yourself and walk in truth. No, the world does not like just fall in line and say, Oh, I support you, everything's going to be great now. That's not what happens at all. I mean, even starting to release my tears and and no longer holding them back because you know I'm a strong black woman and you know, we don't cry, we don't break. Um, and so even starting to cry more um at home or at work or wherever it was, if I felt the need for tears to roll, I wanted to let them roll. And then my daughter came to me one day and said, Mommy, your tears are making me uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Oh, and how old was she? She was a teenager.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

She was a teenager at this point, and that was definitely a nexus moment because I can either go back to making sure everybody else is comfortable in my world, or I can kind of keep taking these small, unsteady but sure steps. And that's when I decided to teach her rather than model this image of what a woman is supposed to be. I'm going to teach you about the cost of this mask. And so I'm not gonna stop crying, but I'm gonna explain to you what these tears are about and why you don't need to be afraid and why you actually should cry too, if that's what you feel. And so that turned into us actually creating rituals and practices together. So rather than just going to church on a Sunday because that's the checkbox and that's what we're supposed to do. I started to have real honest conversations about her about are you actually connecting? Do you believe this story? Is it working for you? And through that, we actually ended up leaving the church and we developed our own rituals and practices. And I don't know about you, but teenagers generally don't come to you for things like this. But my daughter started to come to me and say, Ma, can we do a ritual? And that was like absolutely liberating. And that let me know that I was walking the right path. I was doing the right things. But I think moreover, that I was actually breaking generational patterns because many of us come from lineages where women are expected to put on the cape, perform with a mask, put their own needs somewhere deep down where they don't matter, and take care of everybody else. Be the emotional anchor, take care of your man or your woman or whoever your partner is, the kids, be the emotional barometer in the house, take care of all the needs. Once we burned our bras, we did all those things, and then we go to work too. We're the anchor in the boardroom and the anchor in the living room. And no matter what, you keep the groceries together, you keep the bills paid, you do all the things at the cost of your own peace. And you're supposed to do it with a smile, with a cape. And this is what it means to be a woman. And we wear these crowns, these capes with pride. Meanwhile, we have migraines. Meanwhile, we're not going to the doctor. We're developing heart disease and cancer and tension in our bodies and inflammation and all of these things are going wrong. We're slowly and quietly dying while we're holding everyone and everything else up. And that's not okay. That's not okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

Wow. I love what you said, the anchor in the boardroom and in the living room. That's very powerful because it that's that is the truth. And I love that you had that conversation and started that path with your daughter because I just think when you said that, I got chills because I'm like, she doesn't have to wait until she's 40 to realize that you know she's been serving everyone but herself. And it's wonderful that you were able to set that example and start teaching her from that point. And, you know, that's something that I was a little closer to 50 when that hit me. And um, you know, I think I have two daughters, and I think that, you know, they have have some of that ingrained in them that they don't have to bend for everyone. Um, but they still have that nurturing um side of them. But I am seeing as they get just a little bit older that they're using it the way they want to, and I love that. Um and you know, I know that you you were talking about um, you know, finally choosing yourself, and that's one of the things that I say a lot at at She Ignites, it's time to choose you instead of waiting to be chosen. And so this is a conversation that I have a lot. Um, so when you have chosen yourself after years of giving everything to everyone else, first of all, what does that realization look like?

Clean No Boundaries And Nervous System

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Well, I would say emotionally it feels freeing, it feels expansive, it feels the opposite of when you hear someone coming or the phone rings and you dance up because you know something or someone is going to want something from you and you just don't have it. When you're choosing yourself, there is a release, there is an ease, there's an expansion that comes from that. That's very different than not choosing yourself. Now, what I do want to say about that is that it's very interesting because depending on how we've trained our nervous system, that actually can feel scary. So while you feel the release, you feel the expansion, it feels good, it makes you nervous because it's unfamiliar.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

And your nervous system is not used to that feeling, and so your mind and your ego is gonna kick in and start to tell you that something's wrong with this feeling. This is unfamiliar, we don't like it. Run, get as far away from this as you can because it's not okay. We're not okay. And it's a process, it's a practice of training yourself and really diving deep and continuing to choose yourself over and over again and training yourself to get comfortable with that feeling and train your mind and your ego to follow what is happening? Otherwise, we stay in the pattern.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

Yes. So, do you find that whenever you started that, um did did you find yourself um not necessarily making excuses, but if someone asked you to do something and you said no, was it just no is the end of the conversation? Or did you feel the need, or did you continue to share, this is not serving me like it used to, I'm on a new path? Or what what was the you know, the outcome of how you explained that to people? Because I have I get that question a lot too. Like no is a complete sentence, and then some are like, no, but it really isn't, because that doesn't feel comfortable for us either.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

That's exactly what happens, you overexplain.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

It's a process of getting to a place when you can have a clean no with no guilt. And so you might be saying no, right? And before it's even no, it may be, um, I don't think, I'm a or you committing knowing that you're gonna cancel later. So there's this kind of process that you're going through as you're trying to get to the place where you can just say no cleanly. It doesn't just come out that way. And when it does, right, the reaction is such that you now are gonna take on a new name. You're about to be called out your name because like, why are you being so abrupt? Why is she saying that? Why is she being that way? Now you're mean, now you're aggressive, now all of these other names come because your no is just so no and abrupt. Um, and so either you're dealing with that or you're dealing with some version of it, some softer version of no that you're trying to learn. You're practicing, right? It's like a child learning to crawl or learning to walk. You have to practice it and you get more comfortable with it. So you can get to a place where your no is a clean no with no explanation. But even once you get there, there's the guilt that comes. So initially you're overexplaining or you're undervaluing your no and you're calling it something else, or you're lying, you're flat out lying, saying, I have something else that I have to do. So I can't do X, Y, and Z because you're just not able to say no. Um, but it's the quiet voices that come afterwards. So even when you say no, or I've had a habit of taking days off of work and not telling anybody. So that would be my way of not actually telling you no, but making you think I'm doing something else while I'm actually not doing anything. But then I'm I feel guilty the entire time. And so you're spending all your mental and emotional energy running on the fact that I should be doing this. Such and such took their mom some breakfast, and you over here laying in the bed. And so, like, you know, you're not a good daughter because you don't, right? And so these voices come around what you should be doing and how you should be showing up in the world and why what you're doing, choosing yourself, is not enough or it's not okay. And so there is a whole process, and that is why many of us fall back, right? Because it's not this clean, I'll make a choice, now everything is gonna be different. No, everything does not fall in line. People don't respect boundaries, they walk over your boundaries while you're setting them. You're in the middle of the sentence and they start over talking you or guilt tripping you, and like you're literally trying to set the boundary, and they're not respecting it as it's happening. So it's a process that you have to go through, and it can take years. There are people who will never respect your boundaries, and you have to make decisions around how you want those people in your life because sometimes you can't just cut them off.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

And so it's it's a variety of things that you have to do, but learning to choose yourself over and over again is something you do moment to moment every day. It's a path you walk, and you start to redesign your days and your life and your people and your environment so that it supports that. That's that's really the shift. It's not a switch. If it was that easy, we would all do it all the time. We wouldn't even need these kinds of conversations.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Right, absolutely. So

Returning To Yourself Through Rituals

SPEAKER_02 18:43

this is a big um a big thing that I hear from women in midlife. And it is a follow-up to the, you know, being everything for everyone other than ourselves, is that these women, you know, they've been spouse, they've been mom, they've been sister, daughter, um, you know, whatever their work was, and that they have done that for so long that they no longer know who they are anymore. And I have conversations with women so often about how do you get back to who you are at the core? If you have done something, maybe you're in a job that you don't like, um, you're frustrated because you're always running from, you know, one sports practice to another, to a game, to clubs, or whatever it is with your kids. Do you have any tips to help women rediscover who they are at the core? Or maybe they've changed and they're not the same person that they once were. How to get to the root of who you are as a woman and what your path should look like going forward?

SPEAKER_00 19:53

Yes, I'd love to give advice. In fact, that's what I've done built a business around being a transformation guide. Um, so whether I'm using my pen or my voice or my leadership, that's what I want to do. I want to pour into and heal. And I think what is most important, what is most important and at the root is that you need to understand that you're not lost, you're not broken, you're outgrowing an old identity that was built for survival.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Your soul is not asking you to become someone new, it's asking you to return to who you were before the world told you who to be.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

That's wonderful. So, do you have um like rituals or something like that that help women figure out who that is?

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Absolutely. I do so many things at this point that it's it's hard to parse and piece them out from sage to candlelighting to journaling. I do oracle witnessing and uh meditations and deep hypnotations and a number of a number of things to the books I read, to the music I listen to, to the post-it notes on the mirror, on the desk, around the nightstand on the wall, from what you're eating to what you're drinking. I mean, like, listen. It's it's the the list can go on forever, right? It can. And so that's a part of the work that I do in the coaching container and and and much of the content and things like that that I share. But I think the biggest thing, the biggest thing that I really need to stress is that people need to return to themselves. Like you don't need to look outside of you for some answer, from some for some thing, for someone that's going to do this for you or fix it for you. Your soul already knows. So while you're searching the blogs and you're scrolling the social media and you're looking for an answer from someone, it's actually already there. It's already there. You got disconnected from it. So you don't realize that it's there. And so the key thing to do is to get quiet. It's about getting still. Taking a moment to witness yourself. One of the most powerful things I do is journal. My PM will not lie to me, even when I'm lying to myself.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

And I like to free write. Like it's not, I know when I say journal, sometimes that's very intimidating for people because it's like I have to, you know, write perfectly and I have to fill up all these pages, I have to do all these things, but that's not necessarily true. You can doodle, you can do word clouds, you can scribble, you can do neurological art. Like it's so many different things that you can do. But when I free write, and that's the part that I feel like is really powerful, just what's going on. Let it come out. Stop trying to think about it. You can't think your way into this. Just let it come out. Just let it come out. However it is, let it come out. And what I find so powerful is when I go back and witness myself and I see what kinds of things I was thinking, what was on my mind, what was dominating my time and my energy, and then comparing it to another time, whether that's a week later, whether that's a month later, whether that's a year later, whether that's years later, whatever that looks like. But just the documenting of your own journey and then witnessing yourself, that's a way to be able to return to yourself. You want to know what it is that you'd like to do? Free write. Free write. Can't figure out a hobby. What kind of things do I like? Just start writing. Just start writing. And something, something is gonna come out, something that's gonna shake. Just let it let it flow. Let it flow and see what happens. But I think again, it comes back to being committed to the process of returning to yourself. Because it's not a checkbox, it's a journey. And so when you're committed to the process, you're gonna go out and take a sip and paint class and realize you don't like painting. So I'm not gonna do that no more. You're gonna go horseback riding and realize that I actually like seeing things, but I don't like horses. But I mean you just gotta commit to the process. There is no right or wrong answer. It's gonna be different for all of us, and that's the beauty of it. So what I do may not work for you, and what someone else does may not work for someone else, but it's so much out there. You really just have to commit to yourself that you're gonna go on this journey and that you are worth it. And so go on the journey, figure it out. I definitely have not figured it out. I still enjoy the process of becoming.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

Sure. Well, I love that you shared so many different outlets to connecting with yourself because you know, silence is uncomfortable. And until you embrace it, until you start spending that time with yourself, that can be a little uncomfortable and awkward and you know, makes makes your mind wander to places that it shouldn't. And so I'm a very big advocate of journaling and you know, the free writing. I call it brain dumping, but you know, I think it's just like whatever's in our our head, we just write it down. But, you know, we all have a different outlet. And I know, you know, therapy works for some people, journaling, writing works for some people, and some people don't get anything out of it. So I love that you shared multiple things that you know that might help women be able to um, you know, connect with themselves. So thank you for that.

When Overfunctioning Becomes Identity

SPEAKER_02 25:53

So I know in your content, like when I was looking at your Instagram and stuff, you talked a lot about overfunctioning. So, what do you think that that does to a woman's identity over time?

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Oh, that's a beautiful question. At the end of the day, overdoing, right? Overdoing, overfunctioning, overperforming, over, over, over. You're doing too much. It basically takes over. It becomes who you are. And you spoke a little bit earlier about losing yourself and then being posed with the question, who are you, or what do you like, or how do you find your way back to yourself? You allow overfunctioning to become your identity. And so your value is wrapped up in what you do and not who you are. That's the cost of overfunctioning, overdoing, overperforming, over, over, over. The cost is that you lose who you are and that becomes who you are.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

I love that. And you just answered my next question, and it was, you know, how do you know when a woman has crossed the line from helping to losing herself? And you know, the value piece was just amazing. Um, so I know you talk about leadership.

Authentic Leadership Through Vulnerability

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Um, what do you think authentic leadership looks like instead of, you know, those of us, how you were saying that, you know, you've got to be the anchor in the boardroom, you know, the idea that women must constantly perform and prove ourselves. So, what does it look like when we're authentic leaders?

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Love Renee Brown. At the end of the day, being able to be vulnerable, it comes back to that. And I think so much in the corporate world or any kind of work environment, showing weakness is just not okay. Because many of our structures are built on patriarchy. And so when you're coming from that masculine perspective, any kind of weakness is perceived as just that weakness. So when I talked earlier about tears, right, there was a reason that I didn't cry because I was raised in a capitalistic patriarchy, patriarchal society where showing weakness and tears, you know, there's no crying in baseball. There's no crying in life, right? Like you don't do that. And so we learn very early. What do we say to our kids? Like when they're crying, something, what is the first thing we do? We stop them. Like we don't want them to do that. And so we start to train ourselves, our society, our world. It's not okay to be vulnerable. And so when it comes to leadership, one of the best tools you can use is to be vulnerable. And it's about appropriate vulnerable vulnerability, right? I'm not coming to work and just dumping all the right things on you because I'm being vulnerable. So let me off early. I don't want to work and I'm gonna cry instead of doing the presentation. That's irresponsible. And so that's not what I'm suggesting at all. But I think being able to be honest about the limitations and people and structures and systems and what we're working within, and how we leverage our strengths in a workplace, and how we're honest about our vulnerabilities and our limitations in a workplace, and being able to demonstrate that as a leader is one of your most valuable powers because when you lead that way as a human, right? You create space for those looking at you, witnessing you to also be human, and you get better work from humans than you do from any robot.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

And that's ultimately what you're looking for when it comes to being a leader. We're all followers to some degree, and everybody's a leader, whether you're leading yourself, your family, your community, whatever that looks like. And I mean, with social media, like everybody's a leader because you put something out there and like you're leading someone in some way, shape, or form. It's just a matter of are you a good one? Do you take that responsibility seriously and own how you lead and how you show up in the world, or are you reckless with it? And so much of what I do is about breaking cycles, breaking patterns. And what I don't want to do is the same thing and expect a different result.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

Right. So

Building Spirituality Beyond Church Boxes

SPEAKER_02 30:30

talk to me a little bit about expanding spiritual identity beyond traditional boxes. And you know, you had had shared a little bit earlier about not going to church and doing the rituals with you and your daughter and oracle cards and meditation and and all of those things. So I would just love for you to share whatever about spiritual identity that you would like to share. Because this is something that I love to hear, you know, everyone's version of this and what works for them.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Absolutely. Um, like many, I definitely grew up with some kind of a spiritual archaeotype kind of wrapped around the family, our belief system, the structure, whatever that was. And my mother would always say, you could worship Jesus from a shoebox as long as you worship Jesus. So it was clear that, you know, God was not in the building, right, from that context. But I was still very clear on what I was supposed to believe. Just not, I could do it from anywhere. And so there was always this um struggle. There was, it was clear that there was an internal sense of something greater than me. There's something else there. And that's always been very clear, been very intuitive my entire life. But I've struggled with the in church versus out of church, different denomination, that denomination versus this one. And so went to several churches throughout my childhood. I would even go to church without my mom sometimes. I would get on the bus and go to church because there was belonging, there was community. There was things about the church community that were always enticing, but it was never fully aligned with my spirit. And so that disconnect was always there. And so even as I became a teenager and young adult doing things like, oh, what's your sign? You a Scorpio. Like, what does that mean? Or having an astrology book and then having a friend that says, oh, that astrology book is the devil. It's like, wait, what do you mean? The book is the devil? Like, I'm confused. Like, like, how do and so there was just always this very spiritual, very connected to God, but how is that supposed to look in the world? There was always this just disconnect with it. And so over time, I would just chalk that up to me. Either I'm a church person or I'm not a church person. So I'm going to church, I'm in this church, I'm involved, something's broken, I'm not going to church no more. Now I'm not a church person. Or I find a new church. I'm a church person again. So it was just my spirituality was always about whether I was in church or not in church. Once I be hit my 40s and started to engage with my daughter, and as I'm having conversations with her about baptism and like church, like it's time to go to church. And she's being honest about what she is or is not feeling as it relates to the church we're in, other various churches we've been in over time. There was a truth in her words that I just couldn't ignore. She's like, this stuff don't make sense to me. And so, well, let's go to catechism. We're gonna go to class together. And like we did it for a full summer. I went to the classes with her and we went, we went all the way through, and she graduated, and we did all the stuff and the things, and she's like, that still don't make sense.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

That didn't help.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

So I'm looking my baby in her eyes, right? And as she's learning more and getting deeper, I am too. I done read the Bible cover to cover. Like I don't want it to be because someone else tells me I want to read it myself. And the deeper I know, the more it just didn't make sense. I don't understand where the dinosaurs fit with Adam and Eve. This doesn't make sense to me. Like I can no longer ignore this. And when I'm trying to talk to spiritual leaders in the church about it, the responses are vague. They don't actually address the disconnect that I'm saying. And then it leads to statements like, Well, I can't help your faith, or I can't, you can't help my faith. So my faith is the problem because I'm asking questions you can't, right? So after a while, I just couldn't. It became less about a person and more about me responding to my whisper, what was being ignited in me. This doesn't make sense and it's not working for my spiritual journey. And so I really had to break out of the box. And breaking out of the box meant that I had to leave the church. Like I don't actually believe this. I have to ask myself some really hard questions about what this means and what it means to me, and make some really hard decisions. That's more about withdrawing from things that drain you if they don't fill you up. If going to church feels like a chore, something's not right. Right. It's supposed to fill you up and expand you in a different way. And not just the music and the songs, but the whole message is supposed to fill you up. Not because it was a potluck or it was such and such birthday, or that was a jam that they played, or the band was really on the day, not because of those reasons. The message is supposed to fill me up in a way that it's not, it's becoming a chore. And so it was through that process, right? That course of always being connected to the spirit within, but always having a disconnect with how that manifested in the world. And after decades of living that way, seeing the truth through the eyes of my child, and being honest about I can't perpetuate something that actually doesn't make sense to me either. It's a moment of truth that who are you? Who really are you? Are you going to perpetuate this dogma on her? Or are you going to be respectful? And not just of her, but of that whisper inside of you as well. And so that was the journey that happened for me. And it was a breaking moment where I think I would pray and I would have these visuals. I'm a very visual person. So I would pray and I would have these images of God maybe putting his hands on my head and like just feeding me energy or light or knowledge or whatever it may be. And then all of a sudden, I started to get this whisper of like, oh yeah, Jesus, I'm supposed to go through Jesus for this. So Jesus is supposed to be in between like me and God in some way. And it just would be like, Wait, what? So where Jesus said? It's like Jesus, you supposed to be, I you did. So it just was not working. And that wasn't that way all the time, but it was a period where every time I would go to meditate or pray or have those moments, all of a sudden that would pop up. And it would be like, you know, you're supposed to be going through Jesus to guess because the more I understood, I it was it was messing with me. And it was a disconnect. And so I was going to bed one night and I said, I was praying, and I was like, you know, help me with my disbelief I'm having around Jesus. This is a problem and I want it resolved. And I heard clear as day, it's not a problem, you don't believe it. A moment of, and when it happened, I felt the expansion. I felt the relief. I felt all of the tension leave my body, and it was like, Yeah, just tell the truth. Yeah, that's the problem. You don't believe it. I think Jesus was awesome. Like, let's don't get me wrong, but this doesn't make sense to me, and it's not working for me spiritually, and I can't teach it to my child. I can't just hand you the dogma and ignore the parts that don't make sense. And so when I admitted that truth to myself, the rest fell away. And just like with any other ignition, no, it wasn't easy because now I have to have a conversation with my mom. Now I have to have a conversation with my pastor. Like now, all of these things have to happen in the world, and that's not necessarily an easy process. Um, but continuing to live a lie at what cost. And so I took sure, unsteady, unclear steps, but I was very sure about what I was doing, and as I was honest with myself and those around me, things absolutely shifted, but it expanded me in a way that I never could have imagined. Now, all of a sudden, the spiritual world that has opened up to me and the knowledge that I've now gained, the different things that I've known, and now I can respect and research and look at. I mean, last time I looked, it was just under 5,000 religions documented across the globe. And guess what? I don't have to choose. My choice is to not be divisive in that way. It's okay for you to be if that's what you choose. And I respect that. But the problem is something about what you're choosing tells me that I'm wrong. And that's the hypocrisy that I just can't get with. Right. But there's room for all of it. I look at it as there's just rivers. They're rivers that all lead to the same sea. I'm gonna just go to the sea. But I think the rivers are cute, they have beautiful rituals, they're laced with love and all these amazing stories that have the soliloquies and the metaphors, and uh, some of them are factual history things that have happened. Some of them are interpretations and extrapolations and other things that have been layered on, and that's all fine. I just see it for what it is. I don't have to choose, though. I don't think I need to be divisive in that way. And this expands me in a way that I never had access to before. This opened up so much for me in terms of my own spiritual growth and what I have access to, and my use of Oracle cards and my connection with spirit in the spiritual world, and just being able to see the whole world as an oracle. That's something that I was closed off to because I was reaching for what the world told me to be. And I was trying to fit into that box, and so it closed things off for me. And when I stopped doing that and I let go of the box, it became freeing in a way that I really just can't describe. But being able to just be open to all of the possibilities, respect all the religions, and look at the themes of love and interconnectedness and doing no harm, that's the basis. That's the truth.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

And that's what I impress.

Crystals, Yoga, And Questioning Dogma

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Well, I know, you know, I have the I have had this transition, transformation, whatever we want to call it, over the past several years around my spirituality as well. And I used to be very involved in a church, and um something happened that made me question all of my thoughts about spirituality to that point. And I left the church, and then you know, I'm having conversations with people trying to understand. And again, like you said, the pastor's very vague, like, why can't answer that for you? Only God can answer that for you, but God wasn't talking to me, and so you know, it was like all of this just like kept getting wrapped up in a circle, and then I remember there was someone I love crystals, and I in my office, like, is I'm surrounded by the energy of crystals right now. And um, I had, yes, I had shared a post something about crystals, and it was several years ago. I can't even remember what it was, but someone that is connected to me that is very faith-filled in a church, commented about how these were not her words, but of you know, how they were of the devil, similar to your book, you know, that you were talking about. And I just, you know, I'm like, wait a minute, these these stones are not man-made. Your God made these stones. So how are they bad for us? Now, I'm not worshiping them, I'm not um, you know, whatever she thought it was that I was doing so terribly wrong with them, but they make me happy, they bring me energy, they clear my mind, they ease pain sometimes, you know, whatever it is that you're using them for. And then, you know, this conversation in the comments about using these crystals shifted to yoga and how that is, you know, certain poses are worshiping the devil. And then I was at work, and my um supervisor was Catholic, and he was talking about how um, you know, you're worshiping Buddha when you are going to these yoga classes that you girls go to after work. And we're like, no, we're not, we're exercising, we're stretching our muscles, we're connecting with ourselves, we're becoming one with the the universe, you know? And it was just it, I really started tuning into these conversations and these thoughts, you know, that go back to the very beginning of our conversation. Of how someone is telling you how you should believe, how you should behave, and you just accept it. And, you know, I I got to the point where like I'm not accepting that anymore. And I have questions. And if you can't answer them for me, then you don't know the answers. So how can you be so strong in that belief as well? And so there's just been like so much shift in me, um, you know, as far as who I am and what I believe over the past several years that um I'm so thankful for. And obviously you are as well. And I just I want to ask you one more question, really, before, you know, I open the door for

The Truth For The Exhausted Strong Woman

SPEAKER_02 44:41

you. And if there's a woman listening today that realizes she's been carrying everyone else for years, listening to that um voice or a million voices that have been, you know, forced into her ears for however many years she's been alive, what would you want her to hear right now that's the truth?

SPEAKER_00 45:03

You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Exhaustion is not a sign of weakness. You don't have to perform to be respected. Start leading yourself with honesty. When you stop performing, your presence is going to become your power. Find the people that help you figure that out. If they're not already in your world, go find them.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

I love that we don't have to do it alone. We're not meant to. Yes, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

We're not meant to.

SPEAKER_02 45:49

Very powerful. Okay, so now, thank you for all of that wisdom. That's been wonderful. And I want for all of my listeners, I call them fire starters, but I want them to know how they can connect with you, where they can find you, what work you do, you know, for women or others to help them um, you know, break those cycles and how they can work with you.

How To Work With Dashelle Parker

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Absolutely, absolutely. Leveraging truth.com. This is what I do. This is my life mission mission to leverage truth. So go to leveraging truth.com and you can find everything you need there from contacting me directly to links to all my socials. I publish book one of my three book teaching memoir series because I am serious about breaking these cycles. And I use my story as an example, not just to share for sharing's sakes, right? But it's about healing. And it could be a companion for you along your own healing journey. So you can find my book there if you want to do oracle witnessing with me. You can have access to that there and you can book and get that. But at the end of the day, I realize that every woman is in a different place on her journey. So you may just be curious. You want to seek out more information. So if you go to leveragingtruth.com, you can find my socials there or uh join my community and you can just get more information. If you're a little bit more deeper, right, and you're kind of ready for something, you're ready to rise out of something. You're not just curious, you're ready for something. Then I'd love for you to reach out to me again at leveragingtruth.com and we can talk about how I can use my gifts, whether my pen, my voice, or my leadership, to lead you and accompany you on your journey. I offer a few spots for a five-day coaching challenge every month. And so maybe you can get one of those spots. Um, but then if you're more intentional and you're ready to build, like you're not curious, you're not just ready for something. I know I need something else, I am a transformation guide. So I do offer coaching packages as well for those who are ready to invest in themselves and dive into that next chapter. They're ready to break that cycle. You've been trying on your own, you know something's broken and it's not quite working, it's not right, but you keep falling back into that pattern. Come see me. We can talk about how I can hold space for you and catalyze that shift. And so that's what I do, regardless of where you are on your journey. If you visit me at leveragingtruth.com, it's a little something for everybody to regard irregardless. Where is it regardless? Regardless of where you are on that journey, visit me at leveragingtruth.com and I would love to meet you where you are.

SPEAKER_02 48:57

I love that. And I, you know, I found you through, I believe it was a podcast group where um we, you know, we can post our stories. And if, you know, you're someone's looking for a guest or wants to be a guest, and you know, your your story just resonated, I'm like, I have to talk to her. And so I'm so grateful that you that you know that you responded and and we were able to have this conversation and definitely go to her website, follow her um on our socials. I have enjoyed, you know, watching your I'm on Instagram a lot more and I've, you know, enjoyed watching your um posts. I'm kind of a I need to do better at this because I'm kind of a lurker. And I need to do better at, you know, responding and and engaging so people know that I have find their content, you know, wonderful. Um, I need to do better at that. Um, but I get so wrapped up in it that I just like, okay, I'm next. Let me see what she said tomorrow or the next day, or you know, not tomorrow, yesterday and the day before. Um, so definitely follow her. And, you know, if you're looking for that transformation, you know, I think that she would just be amazing to help you with

The Hype Song That Locks In

SPEAKER_02 50:14

that. And one more question that I have for you that is a fun question that I ask all my guests, um, is what is your hype song or the anthem that you play when you need to channel your fiercest self?

SPEAKER_00 50:31

Oh, yes. And it has evolved so much over the years, but it's still in uh kind of like the RB manifestation growth space. Um, but as of right now, it is already mine. Already mine. Um, I play it on YouTube over and over again. It's a manifestation song. I definitely encourage you to find it. Oh, it just gold dust falls from the sky. I got gold dust on my eyebrows, and I just walk and it is already mine. Contracts are already signed. My tribe, my soulmate clients are already here. My aligned partnerships are already here. I just walk in it. I exude it. I love it. And that song puts me there every time I can play it on a loop and just listen to it over and over and over again. But that is my jam.

SPEAKER_02 51:30

I absolutely love that. So I'm just looking because I want to make sure that I get the right one. Who is the artist?

SPEAKER_00 51:41

I am going to find it for you specifically.

SPEAKER_02 51:47

And the reason I ask is because we have a She Ignites playlist on Spotify, and I add every guest's song to that playlist, and I would love to add yours as well.

SPEAKER_00 52:02

Absolutely. Okay. So the artist is Dream and Conquer. Okay. And it's called Already Mine Manifestation Song. Great.

SPEAKER_02 52:19

I can't wait to listen to it. I will be doing that this evening. All right. Is there anything else that you would like to add that you haven't shared already?

Final Takeaways And Listener Calls

SPEAKER_00 52:30

I just want to say thank you, uh, Carrie, for the opportunity to speak. I always enjoy using my voice to leverage truth. So, whether my voice or my pen, whatever it is, I enjoy that. So thank you for creating a space and opportunity to do that. And for those that are listening, again, I just reiterate that your soul's journey to becoming is a powerful one, right? Just respect what it is. Find the people to support you on your true authentic journey. Not the one the world told you to have, but the one that's true and authentic to you. And from there, the world is your oyster.

SPEAKER_02 53:09

Yes, yes. Well, thank you so much. Um, I look forward to watching you change the world one woman at a time. And I am so grateful that our paths crossed. And um, I hope that uh well, I know that a lot of my listeners are gonna go um follow you, and I hope that they decide to work with you to leverage their own truth. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 53:33

Absolutely. That is beautiful. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

Wow. If this episode hit you, I want you to sit with that for just a moment because the truth is you were never meant to carry everything. You were never meant to disappear inside being the strong one. And you definitely were never meant to live a life that looks good on the outside, but feels empty on the inside. Putting the cape down doesn't make you weak. It makes you honest. And honestly, that is where your power actually lives. If this conversation spoke to you, please share it with another woman who's been holding it all together just a little too tightly. And if you are ready to go deeper into your own truth, you'll find everything from today's guest in the show notes. Until next time, stay bold, stay honest, and keep lighting your own damn fire. Well, that's it for today, babe. But your fire is just getting started. If you're feeling lit up, go ahead and hit subscribe, leave a spicy little review, and tag me at GIgnite CandleCo. So I can hype you up. Remember, the world doesn't need a quieter version of you. It needs the bold, blazing, fully expressed view. Until next time, keep glowing, keep going, and never, ever dim your damn light.