EP 15: "Everything Was 'Perfect' On Paper" with Anna Bucklar

I met Anna on a sweaty beach club dance floor in Santa Teresa, and I knew immediately she was my kind of person. We bumped into each other again at the gym, grabbed a smoothie, and honestly - the rest is history. Our convos are always deep, always real, and this one is no different.

Anna had it all on paper. A thriving wedding photography business with international clients, a marriage, a dream apartment, a life that looked incredible from the outside. And yet, something was off. That little niggle beneath the surface that whispered there's more - she kept trying to bury it. Until she couldn't anymore.

In this episode, Anna shares the raw, honest story of walking away from her marriage, her business, and the life everyone expected her to live - and jumping into full-time solo travel with no plan, no end date, and a whole lot of faith. What followed was one of the most profound journeys of self-discovery, healing, and learning to actually be with herself.

We get into: the moment she hit rock bottom, the self-destructive patterns she used to cope, how a random Brazilian man in a foreign country accidentally cracked her open, healing her eating disorder through solo travel, the power of sisterhood, and why being alone might be the greatest gift you ever give yourself.

We also talk about how to read the clues your life is giving you, how your triggers and patterns are always trying to tell you something, and what it actually looks like to lean into fear instead of running from it.
This one's for anyone who's living a life that looks great on paper but feels a little hollow on the inside. The invisible thread is real, sis - and it's always leading you somewhere worth going. 

Find Anna on IG here: https://www.instagram.com/goingannawhere/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

All right, guys, welcome to another episode of the Elvolve podcast, where we have interesting and insightful conversations. Today I have a really amazing guest, my soul sister. Anna. I met Anna in Costa Rica in May last year, and we met each other on a sweaty beach club dance floor, bumped into each other the next day or later on, maybe it was a week or so after. Anyway, bumped into each other at the gym, and then I was like, hey, do you want to go get a smoothie? And we did, and the rest is history.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

The rest is history.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Anna, thank you so much for being here.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Thank you for being having me, love. I'm so happy to be here. And it's it's weird because it's like it's just an everyday conversation, you know?

SPEAKER_02 0:48

So because our chats are deep, right? Chats are deep. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

We have the best conversations. I think that's why I became so close to you so quickly. It's like we both were like, whoa, let's open up.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Yeah, I love that. I love that. So I'm really excited about today's chat because we're going to be touching on a few different topics. And I guess the first thing that I'd love for you to do, Anna, is to tell us a little bit about your life. You're like, where do I stop? Tell us like, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing right now?

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Yeah, that sounds good. Uh, and you're right, it's like, where do I begin? Um, yeah, so right now I'm solo traveling. I started that about a year and a half ago after I kind of just had this moment in my life where it's like, I want to break out of the cycle that I'm in. I want to jump into something new. Um, and that evolved into changing so much about my life and jumping into uh full-time travel. And that's what I'm doing now, and that's what led me to Costa Rica. Um, and what's keeping me here? Because I love it so much and the the community and meeting you, um, and the discovery of places just like this. And along the way, it has completely shifted my perspective and grown me into a completely different person than I used to be. Do you know what?

SPEAKER_02 2:09

I had never heard of solo traveling until I met you.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

That's so wild.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

I don't know if that's an Australian thing or serious. Yeah, I don't I've never ever heard the term of solo traveling.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

What's the you're doing that right now?

SPEAKER_02 2:23

I know.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Solo living. Yeah, you're solo living, but you are solo traveling. I mean, you're completely on your own.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Yeah, yeah. So is solo traveling something like have you done much of that in your life?

SPEAKER_00 2:37

I had done it for work, um, in the sense of like I was going to corporate events or I was um it was very structured, you know. This was very different. Or, you know, small vacations, meeting someone somewhere. Um, so I had traveled alone. Um, but I had never really, really completely like put my life into a pack like I did and took off, you know, completely by myself. With no like end destination, like no end date. No, either. No, and and honestly, no plan either. Like literally just the feeling inside of me like God's got me. I have a support system, I feel this, I know this, and everything about this is the direction that I know I need to move into, but I need to actually do it and not just talk about it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Describe that for us uh a little bit, please. Like tell us about the time when you realize that it was like, oh, I'm feeling called to do something completely different, completely out of the box. Yeah and kind of describe the sensation that you felt and yeah, walk us through that.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

So gosh. Well, I mean, it's when I was younger, I always had a love for travel. I think a lot of people grow up with a desire to like see something more and explore and be adventurous. And as a children, that's exactly what we are, you know. We we wanna um we wanna see more and we want to discover, and we've got this imagination and this ambition. And for me, that never died. Like it just continued to build up and it became like this volcano that needed to erupt, you know? Um, and this part of me that felt like was literally missing, like there were parts of me that I needed to go discover around the world. Um, and so but at the time I had a lot of logistical things uh keeping me in the routine that I was in, you know? Like family members, living in the US, a marriage, my dream apartment, a business, like so much. So the idea to just jump into this was scary and risky.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Um did it feel like it wasn't possible because you had all of those other things like present in your life?

SPEAKER_00 4:54

110%. And it was more than just impossible. It was like, oh, I'm so selfish for wanting to think this. I'm so selfish, why would I want to do that? You know, like why would you want to be completely on your own? You already have everything that you need, but having everything that you need doesn't mean you have everything that you want, you know, there's huge difference. Um and I was just unaware of that at the time. So to kind of go back to your question is um it didn't hit me like a light switch, you know, it was a buildup over time, um, a lot of avoidance trying to just bury that feeling down and and not address it.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Um was more so like a little little niggle. Yeah. There was a little niggle beneath the surface that it was like, yeah, like you're living a great life. This is everything that you've ever wanted. Like, you know, you should be happy. And it was just like this little niggle deep down that you were like, There's something more, and you were just avoiding it.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Exactly. And I love that you were saying like the little voice of you should be happy, because that's exactly how I felt all the time. It's like, you should be happy, you should be happy. Why aren't you happy? And the truth is, is like I didn't know why I was craving these things, I didn't know why I wasn't happy. Um, I know at the time I had no idea how unself-aware I was. Um, and that really held me back from being able to discover the best version of myself, you know, um, or what I want that to be, I should say. So it really, really changed for me, you know, once I made the commitment to say, like, okay, none of these things are are bumps in the road anymore. This is actually a part of the journey, um, and I'm gonna embrace it, and all of this pain is for a reason. And that really came to me when I literally, with no belief in God at all at the time or the universe, or anything, I was like, I'm alone. Um, and I want to be present. I need something, I need guidance. Um, and so I got down on my hands, my knees in my room uh in Colorado and just literally screamed, cried, and gave everything to God. Like bloody murder screaming, like give me a direction, you know, like I know you have a path for me. I know you I've been told that there's a journey, I know that there's a path, but I'm not seeing it because this doesn't feel this doesn't feel right, you know.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

So what was happening in your life that didn't feel right? Yeah. At that time?

SPEAKER_00 7:34

A lot of um man, you know, it's I hate to say it, but almost everything.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Everything, you know? What what was that what were those things? The my my marriage was a huge one. And that was one that I really wanted to avoid having to face because he was a great guy. The job that I was doing, I really wanted to avoid because it was really successful. And you were making lots of money and it was safe and secure. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

Uh, because it was correct. I should be happy.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

And Anna, just so you guys know, like she is an incredible photographer and had a ridiculously successful like wedding photography business where she would travel internationally and have all of these amazing like clients that are paying big bucks for her services. So she was very, you were very much nestled like into this safe, secure, stable life.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

110%. And it was like not just that, but when you're building something like that business, it's built on personal connection, it's built on trust. So I had all these things that were built on the way that people perceived me. You know, my relationship. Okay, well, all these thoughts going through my head. If I if I choose to get a divorce, what is this family gonna think of me? What is my family gonna think of me? Um, if I if I choose to close my business, what are other people gonna think of me? What's you know, all these what if, what if, what if? And it's like if I spend the rest of my life living in these what ifs, I actually never will live. I will never live. Um and that was like a really hard decision to bring to my awareness. Was like, okay, you're literally thinking about every single person but yourself. And I felt so not allowed to feel that way. You know, not allowed to say it's okay to have these feelings.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

It's okay to want what I want. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. I'm sure so many people are listening to to this thinking, oh shit, like feeling a little bit called forward and hopefully in a very loving way, because that's always the intention, right? It's like sometimes, you know, we can be find ourselves in in a in a part in a in a stage of life where it's like, oh, wow, like I've got everything that I thought I wanted. Why don't I feel good? You know, like when I I had this similar thing when I was like 23 or whatever, I finished my nursing degree and I'd just gotten um I gotten the dream job, and then I got into the transition to professional practice program to become a midwife, and there were like six spots, like it was crazy that I got that, and it wasn't only just open to um people who had just done their first year of nursing, it was open to everyone. I got it. And I got this job, and I was like, this doesn't feel right. I was like, why don't I feel thrilled about this? And I was like, hmm. I was like, maybe maybe because I haven't lived any life yet, like I haven't done any travel, and I was like, I might just prioritize some travel and a little bit of exploration, and then my sister and I booked a Europe trip, and then I went on the bachelor, and then all of these other things happened. But there was definitely like an acknowledgement of something's off, can't ignore it. Like I wasn't gonna ignore it, and that's something I've always been good at. Like I feel a little niggle, or I feel the I like to call it the invisible thread. I feel the invisible thread connecting me to something, and I'm like, oh, I need to follow that, right? Yeah, and that's kind of what brought me here. But from your story, like you kind of felt that niggle and that invisible thread, and there was a there was a period of time where there was quite a lot of resistance.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

110%. And it was more than resistance, it was avoidance, you know, because it was like this feeling is getting stronger and stronger and stronger. And I'm not only avoiding it, but now because I'm unhappy in the lifestyle I'm in, and I feel like I should be happy. I started without even really realize what I'm realizing what I was doing at the time, trying to find happiness and pretty much anything else. So seeking validation and in guilty pleasure from things that were hurting me and harming me and digging me deeper and bringing me on the wrong path even more because that pleasure was making me feel good. Oh, you know what, if I do these drugs, if I um, you know, have this open relationship, if I uh if I drink this alcohol, I mean I feel good. Yeah, that's not happiness, you know. Um what was going on there? Elaborate on um going on in in me at the time.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Yeah, like what we like it's it's funny, like I've I've also been in a similar position in my life where it's like something doesn't feel right, and you're like, okay, what can I do to feel good? Yeah, and then we start seeking these other ways of feeling good, and often it's fucking self-destructive.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

It's so self-destructive, and it's it's so sad, and like, gosh, I this is why I'm so in love with breath work and meditation now. It's like I can actually go back to that girl and hug her and say, It's okay, you're actually exactly where you need to be. You're exactly where you need to be. These experiences that you're having are all here to teach you a lesson, like you don't know it at the time, obviously. Um and that self-destruction starts to hurt you so bad. And you know, you look continues to lower your self-worth and the way that you see yourself, especially when it's truly out of alignment with who you are. Like for me, I just dabbling more into it, it's like I never wanted to be married and also have an open relationship. I never wanted to commit uh uh to someone and feel like I didn't love them. I God, I never wanted that. But I couldn't avoid anymore the way that I felt. And um, when you are and you're seeking these this happiness through these wrong things, it it starts making you feel like, oh, I I'm not worthy of this. You know, something feels so wrong because these aren't in alignment with me. But yet I'm still doing them, I'm partaking in them. Why is that, you know? Um and I think the first thing that made a big difference was for me was I I had to tell someone. I was like, and I can't just tell my husband because he's partaking too. Yeah. Who am I gonna be very vulnerable and open with and and fully let my guard down because I need help? And it needs to be a voice, it can't just be God. I need someone in my face, and um it's crazy. I have this like amazing connection with my sister, and I didn't even have to tell her. It was like because our families had no idea, you know, um specifically like the open, and my family didn't know how much I was drinking and um using drugs, and my sister calls me one day, and I was just like, I remember this so well. And like nothing was even said to each other, you know? And it's like god, the power of sisterhood is just insane. Um and I remember answering the phone, and she just she's just looking at me, like we're just looking at each other. It sounds like weird, you know? And she just goes, It's okay, you know, like you're gonna be okay. And that was all I needed to hear.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

It's like the way you feel is valid. And I see you for who you are, not the actions you're doing. And I know they're not you, you know? And called me forward and completely allowed me to say I can actually step on the right path now. Wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

My goodness. Yeah, sometimes it's just the acknowledgement, right, that's needed, but it's like, hey, this is I I know what you've been doing, like and I know that it's not you. Yeah. And it's almost like just that the acknowledgement of that, and to be able to receive that, it's like you can then kind of like take that on fully yourself and be like, yeah, this isn't me. What the fuck? Yeah, you know, I need to I need to shift out of this, right? Wow, sis. My goodness. So isn't it wild? Like looking back now. So I'm curious, what did you learn?

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Oh, uh a lot. Uh, because it wasn't just that that made me learn, like that broke me. That put me at the bottom of the barrel for me. That was hit, I'm hitting rock bottom. Um, you know, I'm I'm losing my business, I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm not feeling like myself. Uh, my family's not talking to me. His family, who also was, you know, an extension of my own, is not talking to me. I'm completely fucking alone. Um, what am I gonna do about it? And that's when the lessons began. You know, it wasn't okay, now I've actually done all the work and it hurt. The lessons began when I got to that new country completely alone.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

Do you know what's interesting? It's like when you're in that, when you were in that situation, when you were in that life where you were like, I've got everything, but something's not right. What are they gonna think? What are they gonna think? Oh my gosh, like it was, you know, it was always about other people. Yeah, and it's almost like God was like, No, we need to strip all of this away so that you can just be with you and you can figure out who the fuck you are and what you want. Yeah. Because, sis, this is your life. It ain't no one else's life. I know.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

You're the main character of this shit, right? And oh God, and I say it all the time.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

I'm like, you're allowed to create any reality, any life that you want. You are in control. You are so much more in control than you believe or even want to believe. Allow yourself to feel it, allow yourself to feel the pain, lean into the fear, lean into the uncomfortability. That is where all of that avoidance is, you know. Stop avoiding those feelings because those are where the lessons are, those are what the change comes in. That's where the growth is. And it's but it's it's not just make a simple decision. It's uh take it day by day. Yeah, discover who you are. Um and just in and trust yourself, you know, listen to your nervous system, listen to your mind. Um because I think at the end of the day, it's like the one thing that really kept me going was like I know my values. I know that I want to be this type of person. I know that I'm on a journey to be the best version of myself. These actions are out of alignment. This relationship is out of alignment. And it's not actually something I want to try to go fix. It's something that I never actually desired, but was only seeking validation from. Wow. And now, completely on my own, I can go discover who I am, let my guard down, and let everything that needs to come to me arrive right on time. And that mindset obviously came in over time and more and more lessons, but um I think you have to have that type of mindset.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

I love what you said before. You were like, just take it day by day. That's literally it. You know, like so many people get stuck in this position where they're like, something's not right, I'm stuck, I don't feel good, I feel lost, everything's fucked, blah, blah, blah, you know, unhappy, or just maybe not even to that degree, maybe just like a bit of general, general unease, being like, something feels a bit off. You know, maybe it's a little bit more subtle. And the idea of doing something different can be really scary for people because it's unfamiliar and naturally your nervous system is like, oh, it's unfamiliar, it's not safe, we're not going there. And then the mind kicks in and starts to tell you all of the reasons why you can't, right? And for you, I'm married, you know, I've got the best business, like I should be happy, right? When it's like, no, no, no, no. And so then the trap is when we look at where we want to be, and that can feel like it's a long way away. When really it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, bring your focus a little closer. What's the next thing you can or could do? What's just the next step? What's tomorrow look like? Yeah, because this is a journey, you know. Unfortunately, we can't just bloody leapfrog over to the end destination. Like, you're not gonna learn anything that way. We've actually got to walk the path. We've got to take day by day, we've got to month by month, you know. And there's so much growth that happens along that, and there's this thing that I love to say, and it's that the journey is the reward.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

110%. The journey is when you can, I think, and I think this is something I'm I'm I'm practicing and embracing in my life now is like I don't actually believe that there's ever this final destination, this final goal that we're gonna get to. It's you're Life is this path. Your life is this journey. And little things are gonna pop up along the way. Embrace every single thing of it. It's there for a reason. Yeah. You know, embrace the heartbreak you feel from somebody that you once loved. Embrace the loss of a business because something better is gonna come. Yeah. Um and then embrace the good too, you know? We I think we have this like idea, at least me at the time, is like a journey has to be something hard. No, it doesn't. It actually can be amazing.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

Oh, I love this. Yeah. I love this. Giving yourself permission to not always be looking for what's wrong, what's the next thing I've got to grow through? What's this, you know? Actually giving yourself permission to be like, oh, life gets to be good right now. I get to relish in it, I get to bask in it. I think it's sad that you know, there's obviously a lot of shit going on in the world, and there's a lot of suffering that people are experiencing, and it can be really tough. Like in terms of social media, like you know, you get on your feed and then you see someone like you know, something bad's happening to someone, whatever that might look like, might be heartbreak, might be death. Like, literally, you don't know what you're gonna fucking get on that feed. And like people feel guilty about enjoying their lives. So I love what you just said there. You know, it's like there are definitely like seasons we go through on this journey, on this path, this game that we're playing. And you know, there may be seasons where it's like, oh, I'm going through it right now. You know, I'm growing, I'm shedding, like, uh, everything feels like it's ripping away. Yeah. And it's meant to, and then what comes after is almost like this like things kind of plateau, like in a good way. And it's like, oh, I can just kind of settle into this now and enjoy what it's like to be here in this new identity and what that looks like. And then we go again.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

Yeah, exactly. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Yeah. It's like I know you and I have talked about this reference a lot, but I love sharing it because I live by it now. Um and it really, really came to my awareness when I got to Costa Rica, but it's like being in the ocean. You get out there and you look at, you know, you get out to where the break is. And uh, I don't know about you, but like I when I was a little kid, we would run and just like play and like want to get hit by the waves and stuff like that. But it's like you run out to the ocean, you look at the wave about the crash in front of you, you look it straight in the eye and it hits you, it's gonna hurt bad. You probably you might if you don't feel something it well, if you don't time it well, you might get fucked up. You might get you might get hurt really bad, but instead of being afraid of it or trying to jump over it or avoid it, if you actually work with it and embrace it, it becomes this beautiful experience. It's a big thing I've learned through surfing. It's like, have you ever gone under the wave and you just are quiet and it's like the wave crashes above you and you're completely safe and it's quiet and you're like held. And you come back up for air and it's that beautiful ocean again. And it's like try that instead of standing right in front of the wave and being like, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Here it comes. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I'm just gonna hold still, I'm just gonna hold still and and think about how this is about to hurt. It's like, yeah, okay, well it's gonna hurt, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

So depends how you approach it. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I love that. And that's true. Like, mindset is like when we kind of harness our mindset with more intention, we can really navigate challenges and obstacles with more grace and more ease versus more suffering. Like, we can really make things harder on ourselves, right? And that comes down also to like the story that we tell ourselves. Yeah. Now, I a lot of people don't really realize this that it's like you can actually choose your thoughts, you can redirect them. Yeah. A beautiful way to kind of practice this is in running. Yeah. I the first time I ever got into running was when I was living back on the Gold Coast. And every motherfucker's running on the Gold Coast. Everyone's like throwing up their Strava on their social media, and I'm like, no, yeah, everyone's props it. And I'm like, I'm I want to get in running. Okay, so I was like, I'm gonna go for a run. And I was like, I'm gonna run three Ks. That's where I'm gonna start this journey. And so I show up at the time I decided I was gonna run. I had New Balance 9060s or 9000s, 9600s. Girls, everyone in Australia, you know what they are. They're heavy. I had these heavy joggers on, right? And I I put my headphones in flat. And I'm like, I'm like, fuck. I'm like, oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

Sounds like me this morning.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

And then I didn't warm up. Like I did, like and before I train, I love to do a good foam roll because it just the the way I feel in my body is so much better when I'm trained. So I didn't warm up. And so already I'm like, this is against me, this is against me, this is against me. I'm like, oh, this is gonna be shit. So already I'm like, I'm creating my experience based off these factors. And it's like, hang on. What if it wasn't shit? Yeah, there was no pause there at that moment. So anyway, I started my run and I'm trotting along and I'm puffed after like 500 meters, and I'm like, fuck, I said to myself I was gonna run the whole time. And I was like, I can't run anymore. I was like, this is boring, and I'm puffed, and my hip hurts, my knee hurts, what the fuck? I'm like, how are these motherfuckers running 10Ks? This is psycho. And so then I'm just I'm like, I'm just gonna walk for a little bit. Now run a little bit again. And for the for the first K and a half, I was not enjoying the run. I was like, this fucking sucks. I was very negative, Nancy, during this run. And then I got to the halfway point and I was like, right, sis, you're gonna run the rest of the way. Yeah, you're just gonna take it easy, you're gonna cruise. I was like, and you're gonna shift your focus because you've been focusing on everything that sucks about this situation. That was my automatic response, right? That was just what was happening, yeah. Unconsciously, I was focusing on all of the shitty things, and that was creating this shitty run of an experience. And so once I clocked that, I was like, Whoa, you need to shift your focus, babe. I instead started to riz myself up, yeah. So I chose, I chose a different internal dialogue. Yeah, and I was just like, okay, you're running. You're amazing. Like you're still running. Yeah, your hip hurts, and you're running. Fuck yeah, you're a weapon. Like, go on, queen, pop off, keep going. You know, I did not let that stream of inner chat stop. And I ran the whole the rest of the way I ran, I stopped focusing on my knee and my hip and how much pain that I was in. I stopped focusing on how bored I was, and I instead just shifted my focus to positive chat. And that changed the whole experience for me. You know, the it was day and night in comparison, the first half of the run versus the second half of the run. 100%. So it's like when we experience challenges in life, a really powerful, a really, really powerful belief to bring to your awareness is that this is happening for me. Whatever the breakup, I know it fucking sucks this. I know you're probably hurting. And trust me, it's happening for you. Yeah. Like your story we were sharing before, and uh how you're like, oh, I was living my life for fucking everyone else, basically. Yeah. And you're trying to, how do I escape it? I'm just gonna go down this path of self-destruction. Maybe that, maybe that'll maybe if I do all these things, I'll feel better. But you know, ultimately you're just hurting yourself. Yeah. And God didn't want that for you. The universe didn't want that for you. And so it was like, right, we're gonna get rid of all of these things, you know? And so hats off to you, sis, for having the courage to actually receive that invitation and to do something about it. Because now you're in you're you've reached a new checkpoint, you know, and this new checkpoint is about who the fuck's Anna? What does Anna want? Yeah, yeah. Let Anna sit with Anna. And that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Thank you, sis. I love you. You're the best. I love you. I um yeah, it's it is true though, like it is about our perspective. You know, if you would have asked me when I was living in Colorado, uh, hey, do you think that you're gonna be living in Costa Rica um and pursuing your like dream of full-time travel and da-da-da. I'd be like, No, that was like a imagination I had when I was a kid, right? It's like when we're children, going back to like talking about being a kid, because I love something you've taught me as like really allowing you to reconnect with your inner child, is when we're children, we have this ambition and this imagination and these ideas, and we're not afraid of what people think because we are we haven't been hurt yet. And everything's possible. Everything is possible. We can be a rock star, we can be an astronaut. What the fuck happened to that? Yeah, where does that go? Tap back into that shit. When do we decide to put that down? Yeah, I think it happens when you experience something bad and it hurts your ego a little bit, and it hurts your your motivation, or um knocks your confidence, knocks your confidence, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

And you're like, oh I oh I'm I'm not good enough, or I can't do that, or I'm not worthy, or that's not possible for me. Right. And also I think the other thing to to note is the program of society. You know, like as we get older, that becomes more, that becomes more deeply ingrained in us, you know. It's like, oh yeah, you just go to school, then you go to uni, then you get engaged, then you get married, then you buy a house, then you have kids, and then you work and you pay off your mortgage. Yeah. You know, so it's like anything outside of that, and people love to belong, right? People love to belong and feel like they um like they they belong to to something, and being on the outside of that and doing something different again, that can that can kind of feel like you don't belong. Yeah, how did you how did you overcome that? Yeah, the idea of doing something completely different and stepping away from your life and everything as it was. What was that like? How did you do that?

SPEAKER_00 32:45

Yeah, um so I think like for me, even when I got to the first country, like I was super excited, I was alone, and I was like, you know, I felt free and I still wanted to belong. I still was seeking for people, for connection, and I was actually seeking for them to do the same effing activities, to drink, to party, to do one night stands, to do all these things. I was actually still trying to stay in that comfortability, you know, um because of the fear of looking within. And it wasn't until I started being like actually the really, really when it hit, was I was out with some friends, uh like strangers, you know, because when you're solo traveling, the whole world becomes your friends with everyone. Strangers are not strangers, they're new friends. And um I was out with strangers and I met this really hot Brazilian guy, and I was like, Oh, I want to have a one-night stand with him so bad. And uh we went back to like my place at the time, and he was just the nicest guy. He was so respectful, and he wanted to get to know me for me, and he wanted a wife. Oh and I just got done being wife, so I was like, No, I'm trying to fuck around. You're hot, like let's let's hang out, you know? Like, come on. And he was just like asking me about my values, and I was like, Oh my god, this is amazing. Yeah, he was way, way older than me. Uh, and we didn't sleep together, and and he he like tucked me into my bed like my other dad or something.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

This is such a sweet guy, and um uh and he's like, you know, what's your relationship like with your mom?

SPEAKER_00 34:34

And that and actually, like literally asking me questions I never really addressed, you know. Wow, yeah. And I woke up the next day, he left, he wanted to stay in touch. Obviously, I was like, no, I'm good. Like, I'm trying to fuck around and avoid. And I was looking myself in the mirror that day, and I like had my makeup on from last night, I had my leather jacket like on the chair, and I was like really thinking about those questions, and I was like, I remember this. Oh my god, I just started crying and I was like, What the fuck am I doing? I'm still so lost, you know. I'm now I'm on the other side of the world. I know I've cleared those things, I know I don't want those things. Why did I think this one-way ticket to this one place? Like something's going on within, I need to address it, kind of just having this panic attack in the mirror. And why I believe so much in solo travel and the art of being alone is because moments like that is when you break through. No more excuses, no more bullshit. You're looking yourself in the mirror, alone on the other side of the world, no communication, and the only person to talk to is your fucking self. And everything shifted. So literally the next day I went to a monastery and sat with a monk for 12 hours, and that kind of started the whole Wow.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

That's when stuff shifted. Do you know what?

SPEAKER_02 35:57

I love how divinely planned everything is. Like everything really is like put in front of you for a specific reason. Like you attracted that Brazilian guy to ask you those fucking questions for you to actually look at yourself. Yeah, that is God.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

I exjected them outside of me.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Yeah. That is God. Just being like, all right, it's time to let's let's have a little chat, you know? Like, let's like enough of the avoidance. Wow, I love that.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

It's like, let's put, let's put it in the shape of a Brazilian man that she'll talk to.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

She's not listening to me. Let's give her. And I was like, okay. It's so true that like that's many times we are expecting lessons in the obvious ways, and they come in the hidden ways. It's the w it's the perspective that we're willing to address anything that comes into our life is there for a reason, whether it's good or bad. It's all part of the journey. It's like, then you see the lessons, then you see the growth.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

You have to look though. Yeah, you have to be curious, you know. Like, that's the thing about life. People are living this life where they've got the fucking blindfold on and they're just doing the next thing, they're just dating the next guy, the same kind of guy. You know, it's just like you've got a fucking blindfold out on, yeah, the lights are off, and you're just flailing around, fucking around, trying to figure it out, but you're not figuring it out because you're not seeing what's happening in front of you, and you're not recognizing that that is a clue. There is medicine all around us. You just need to wake up and actually start to be curious about it. Yeah. And so to give you a little bit more direction on that, it's like the people that you attract, yeah, and what they bring up for you emotionally. You know, you get triggered, that's a clue. That's inviting you to look at something within yourself, a wound. Yeah, that's why that person is there. That's God in that moment, being like, look, you are scared of commitment. Because you've attracted another guy that won't commit to you. Yeah, this is you deep down. Yeah. Where did that come from? Yeah. Your parents, probably. Yeah. Right? That is me.

SPEAKER_00 38:18

That was that was me. But no, those repetitive patterns are hard sometimes to address. They can be subtle. They're super subtle and it feels comfortable. So because it's comfortable, it's a pattern. You're used to it. So how are you supposed to recognize it, right? And it's like I I was telling you this the other day. It's like I started right when I started writing and really when I started journaling, but it was when I started rereading my journals. I was like, ooh, you're still avoidant in these ways. I see you doing the same shit, you know? And it's like, okay. My goodness. You know, it's hard to it's hard to see sometimes. You need it literally written in paper in your own handwriting to know.

SPEAKER_02 39:04

And that's why, you know, I'm about to start with my coach again on Tuesday. Hallelujah.

SPEAKER_00 39:11

I need you. But I love that you're like, I need you. And I'm I'm I'm I need some help. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

Everybody needs some help because the thing is, it's like they're called blind spots for a reason. We can't see our own blind spots. And that's why it's helpful to even through friendships, you know, to be able to have conversations with friends where you can open up and be vulnerable and like share what's going on. Like, that's a really powerful way to be able to also see your blind spots. But yeah, having a coach or a mentor is honestly the best fucking thing. And yeah, I've been going through it. You know, I've been going through it. I've been going through it with some stuff. I feel like I'm going through like a next level of spiritual awakening and it kind of fucking sucks.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Yeah, I was gonna say that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

It's been more subtle up until now. This one feels really fucking on me. Yeah. Um, and it's okay, it's part of it. I know everything's temporary, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

But also it's like the when like the end when you come out because I mean, I was just telling you, I mean, when I got out of India, that was that was like my second spiritual awakening. Yeah. I mean, holy shit. I'm sorry, guys, there's multiple. Yeah. And but they feel so good afterwards. You're like, you've opened up a new level of consciousness. You're, I mean, it's just like this beautiful chapter that it's almost like when you're reading an intense book, and at the end, it's like all this crazy stuff happens, and then they're like, or like right before a commercial break, it's like, all right, we'll give you the answer, you know, after the commercial. That's what happens sometimes in life with a spiritual awakening. It's like all this intense buildup, all this stuff is about happens, and you don't know what's going on. Boom, new chapter opens. It's this beautiful new beginning, and you've become this better person, you know, and it's it's just it's like this.

SPEAKER_02 41:04

I just saw a caterpillar and a butterfly like emerge from a cocoon. It's just like that, and we just go through iterations of that again and again. Um, some other examples that I wanted to share as well around clues so that people can start to recognize what to look out for. You know, we spoke about emotional um triggers, we spoke about the people that we attract and how we feel when we're with them. It's like you're feeling insecure when you're with someone. That's a clue about you.

unknown 41:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:32

Yeah. Um, how you feel in social settings? You know, are you self-conscious? Are you retracting? How you feel when you're talking to another sister? Like, do you feel closed off? Do you feel like you're restricting? Like this, these are all clues, and it's showing you that there's some resistance or some barriers up against whatever it is that's in front of you. And we want to take those barriers down because truly the most precious gift is like leaning into that edge and pushing through it and seeing what's on the other side. Like sisterhood in particular, like that's a recent edge that I've really like pushed into, and plant medicine last September really helped me with that in a big way, and I'm forever leaning more and more into it and opening my heart more and more to women, and it's so fucking beautiful on the other side of that. And in the past, I used to always keep people like women at an arm's length, you know, and I'd always kind of gravitate towards men more, you know. So looking out for those things, it's like where are you noticing yourself constrict or making yourself shrink or avoid or you know, even just like making eye contact with someone, that's another one. What other examples are there? Even how you allow how you allow yourself to be treated. That's a big one. Like if you're in a relationship, relationships are the biggest teachers of all.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

Oh my gosh, 100%, because you're literally letting everything down, you're letting your guard down, you're becoming that raw onion again, and you're like, okay, like this is all of me. I'm being super vulnerable. You either take it or leave it. It's when we allow them to dictate, you know, what that looks like if they're how we feel. We allow relationships or guys to when we're in that raw, vulnerable state, um, their words affect us, and then that become our our identity if we take it on.

SPEAKER_02 43:23

If we take it on, exactly. We get we get to decide what we pick up and what we put down, exactly. Right? So, yeah. Sorry if you guys can hear like trucks and shit in the background, by the way. I don't know if that's being picked up on, but it's kind of loud, so I'm just acknowledging in. We embrace it, yeah, we embrace it. Um, but yeah, like how we allow ourselves to be treated and also how we treat other people and how we show up. They're also clues telling you about you. There's this great example that I have. Like, I was a I was a 14 year old girl. Anyway, we don't even realize that our behavior is. Is a clue and that our behavior is unconscious. Like 95% of what you do, your behaviors, habits, emotions, thoughts, it's all unconscious, right? And it's made up of the programming from when you were younger. So I'll give a really good example of this because it fucking hits the nail on the head. My parents, when they argue, their style is that my mum kind of just like shuts down and goes quiet and doesn't talk to dad. And she learned that from her mum, and that's what her mum did, right? And so I was 14 and we were on a family holiday, and I was kicking the soccer ball with some boys and my friend who came on holiday with me, and the boys were kicking the ball really high, and they kicked it and was like banging on cabin roofs and stuff. My dad came up and blasted them, and I was so humiliated, I was so embarrassed. What did I do? Oh, you shut down. I didn't talk to dad for like three days. Yeah. Yeah. But like that was an automatic thing, you know? Like I wasn't a little girl sitting there with a fucking clipboard watching how my parents argued and whatever they did, and being like, okay, when when I fight with someone, I the the thing that I should do is just not talk to them. Okay, cool. You know, it becomes automatic. So start to be curious about your behaviors and your habits and how you respond because they're also clues and it's also um an invitation to us to learn more about ourselves and then to choose what we want to happen next. 100%. That's like who do I want to be? Right. Yeah. How do I want my life to go? Like, how do I want to um approach conflict with my partner? Do I want to shut down? Do we want to stonewall each other and like be shit? Like, or do we want to come together and grow together?

SPEAKER_00 45:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:37

Yeah. And both like recognize within each other that's like, oh, I'm feeling activated because of this. I think it's from childhood. Right. You know, and it's like support each other through it. So it's like being conscious.

SPEAKER_00 45:49

Yeah. Something that you say all the time is like we're, and this shift was a huge just I remember the first time you said it to me. Um, and it was a huge perspective shift for me. It's like we're constantly having a conversation with the universe. Yes. And this is one of those examples. It's like, again, with the relationship, person you're spending a lot of time with, a person you're vulnerable with. That's a great example of how are you responding? What are you telling the universe that you deserve or what you desire? Yes. And it doesn't mean it's supposed to be easy because it's not. Especially when you have those mixed emotions, like a relationship where you love someone, um, and then you have to tell the universe, actually, even though I love you, I know what I want. And the way I respond is the way that the universe is going to listen. Um, so hey, actually I deserve better. The universe is gonna say, oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:42

Show me then. Show me. Show me that you deserve better. Walk away. Walk away. Because the the conversation we're having is through our actions, right? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, because you can be saying, like, oh, you know, I want to be with a man that honors and respects me, and then you're going and having a one-night stand on the weekend. It's like, hmm. Yeah, what kind of conversation are you actually having? Yeah. Yeah. And it's through your actions, right? I want to bring things back to like this journey that you've been on, Anna, because it's been definitely one, it's been one where you've spent a lot of time on your own. Yeah. And I'm curious about how that experience has been for you and what you've gotten from being alone. Yeah, yeah. And also out of your comfort zone, right? Like huge fucking courage, huge, massive, massive courage, like what you've done. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 47:45

So, like, kind of talking about a little bit about how I was speaking on it earlier, is being alone is something that I grew up as seeing as like a negative or weird, like you can't sit alone at a lunch table. All this programming in our head, um, especially as children were so vulnerable, is like, that's weird to see someone sitting by themselves. I feel so sorry for them, you know, in a restaurant or in a society that sets those boundaries for you. Um, and saying, like, hey, these things aren't normal. That's weird. You don't sit alone, you don't do things alone. Um, and so when I first jumped into solo travel, I was so excited to be on my own, you know. I was really, really excited, like, oh, I just made this great decision, I'm sad, but everything feels right. And I was completely alone. But what I realized was I was in the wrong environment. You know, I was in this environment that was telling me that these things were weird. Then I started getting an environment that aligned with me, and I was around people from all over the world completely alone. People from Africa, people from Japan, people from all the, I mean, everything you can think of. Traveling through Vietnam because they want to discover a part of themselves, traveling, who knows, like all these amazing diverse stories from people from all over the world with the same goal to discover more. And I was like, there's people like there, there's girls out there with a story similar to mine. I'm not alone. I'm actually not alone at all. I'm actually for the first time feel heard and you know? Yeah. Um, and so I think it's like you could be surrounded by people and feel completely alone, or you can be alone on the other side of the world and feel more in the presence of other people than you ever have in your life because you're finally in alignment with people that hear you and resonate with you, and that just gives you this motivation and this ambition to just skyrocket into what you really want and learn from all of these unique perspectives. Um and it's when you're when you're around people that you do feel like are looking through a straw hole, it really becomes this circle of limitation from the things that you can't see. Um when everything you need is around you, it's all there accessible for you, right in the palm of your hands. Again, kind of what you're saying about the masks, you just gotta be willing to see it. Um but tapping a little bit more into that is like the reality is yes, you never feel alone because you're with great people, but you are also adapting this new level of love for yourself and presence and conversations that the presence of you by yourself is actually something that you enjoy more than a conversation with other people or um constant communication, constant energy share, exchange. You start to really enjoy your own energy and love the presence of yourself. And that is when I healed from my eating disorder because I was on my own. No more excuses, no more making up, it's my environment, it's this, it's uh the people around me. No, but still you, sis, you know, and now we're by yourself, so you actually have to learn how to love yourself, or you're gonna die like literally. Um, and that it's it being alone is the best thing in the world. It's so good for you. And it's like when you love yourself so much and you fill up your cup so fucking much, it starts to just overflow, and that's what goes to the other people, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

Rather than just constantly like pouring from yourself, it's like, oh, I'm gonna pour into myself, and then there's this overflow that everybody else gets to enjoy. It sounds like what you're saying is that being alone helped you to create a deeper relationship with yourself, yes, exactly. Yeah, and for you to align with who you knew you were deep down for you to actually face that and step into that and let everything else that was kind of laid on top like shed away. 100%. Wow, wow. I'd love to finish off with like a question to you around advice. Yeah, like if there are any people listening to this podcast that feel like they're in a similar position to where you were, you know, maybe they're at this tipping point, like, ah, life sucks, what the fuck? Or maybe there's just like a little bit more of a subtle nudge, like being like, hey, there's more, like this is out of alignment, like maybe it feels a little bit more subtle. Like, what would you say to that person?

SPEAKER_00 52:46

Yeah. Um, I guess my biggest piece of advice would be that your fear is valid. You're supposed to be scared. This is something new. Um, you're supposed to have a doubt, you're going into the unknown. You're jumping into something you have nothing, you don't know what's gonna come. And to lean into fear as much as you possibly can, lean into failure. Because if you continue to see failure as a learning lesson, because it's like every time we fail, we get closer and closer to our success. We learn and we learn and we learn. But when you embrace failure as a success, when you embrace fear as a success, you never truly fail, you know? And it eliminates that fear of failure. It's like don't be afraid. Listen to your heart, you know.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

How would you how would you um how would you invite someone to I guess hold themselves as they're leaning into fear or leaning into that edge and the unknown? Like, what advice would you give in that situation? Like, okay, cool, bitch, you're telling me to lean into the fear and the edge. How? Because it's scary, you know? Yeah. Like, is there any anything that you've done to support yourself more as you've as you've laid into the edges?

SPEAKER_00 54:12

Yeah, I think it's really giving myself the space and time to know what I truly desire and sitting with that so that way I feel more comfortable jumping into those fears. That way I can back myself up and say, even though this is so scary, I know it's right because I truly know what I want. I truly know what I want in my future, and it doesn't have to be perfect, it's not supposed to be because it'll change and develop and grow as you will. Yeah. But when you know, hey, I have the best intentions for myself, these are my values. You know, just have a conversation with yourself. What are my values? And am I actually in alignment with it? And that has really helped me be like, okay, now I know that I can lean into the uncomfortable because it's in alignment long term, short term, it's in alignment with my values. And what you actually want for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 55:09

And you may not have like a complete full picture of what you want for yourself. You might just have a little seed. Exactly. You might have a little seed that it's like, okay, what I know that I want is that I want to travel. Right. Yeah, you might not know where you want to go. Right. You might just know that you want to do full-time solo traveling. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, okay, cool. If that is actually what I want, and I can feel like I can feel that inner knowing that that's for me. If that's all you know, like trust in that feeling. Trust that everything else is going to unfold in the perfect time-space sequence and you're going to be supported in it. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I think that's that's an important piece. And also, like, just plain and simple. Regulate yourself. Just oh my god, just regulate. Just regulate. It's like.

SPEAKER_00 56:01

How do you regulate yourself? I love that question. Um, meditation has been the best thing I have ever really dove into. Like uh what one of the biggest things I learned in that 12-hour meditation with the monk, even there was a lot that was learned. But the 12 everyone go to where was it in Thailand?

SPEAKER_02 56:25

Thailand. Go to Thailand. Sit with the monk for 12 hours, and you'll know.

SPEAKER_00 56:30

No, but what I learned was the way that we process our thoughts, like in the sense of in meditation, we believe that we're supposed to just sit in peace. We're supposed to just kind of like, uh, just ignore, let everything kind of that all of your stuff kind of just flood out and and think about white and be at peace. That's not it at all. Meditation is supposed to hurt, it's supposed to be painful, and you're supposed to bring all of these things out of your subconscious to your conscious and address all of them so that way you work through them, that you can truly be at peace. You can truly process everything, and that becomes how you move in life and any new thing that comes into your your life. So, um, yeah, I think it's really important to for me, staying regulated is continuing that practice.

SPEAKER_02 57:20

Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love, I also love what you said, like meditate. Like, you know, we have these ideas around what meditation is meant to be and what it isn't, and like you know, sometimes it might be peaceful and sometimes it might be it'd be painful. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:35

Loud or busy or yes, most of my meditations are painful. Most of them are crying, most of them are pain. It's the it's giving yourself the space and the love to do it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 57:46

Yeah, yeah, and that is self-love. Yeah. Wow. Well, guys, thank you so much for tuning in with us. I hope, um, I hope this episode has inspired you, you know, and and called you forward and been an invitation to trust trust your truth and what you're being guided to do and to just take the next step, whatever that looks like.

SPEAKER_00 58:13

Yeah. Thank you for having me. I love you.

SPEAKER_02 58:15

I love you too.

SPEAKER_00 58:17

Yay. See you next time, guys.