EP 19: $80K in Debt And Low Self Worth

This is the self-worth episode. And I'm not talking about affirmations in the mirror or surface level confidence tips - I'm talking about the real stuff. The patterns you can't unsee once you see them. The clues your life has been giving you all along.

This is a solo episode and it's one I've been sitting with for a while. We're talking about self-worth in the most honest, unfiltered way I know how - by looking at my own story and what my external reality was reflecting back to me for years before I could actually see it.

I share the patterns I couldn't see for years - the situationships, the f*** boys, the binge drinking, the dr*gs, the money I wasted, the way I treated my body, the fake boobs, the $80,000 in debt - and how all of it was just my external reality mirroring back to me exactly where my self-worth was at.

I also walk you through how things actually changed. The checkpoints. The first ayahuasca retreat. The NLP training I signed up for with $9,000 in my bank account and $80k in debt because I got a divine sign I couldn't ignore. The coaches I've invested in. The devotional practices I now live by. And why investing energy - time, money and presence - back into yourself is the thing that changes everything.

This episode is an invitation to get curious. To look at your own life and ask honestly - what is my reality reflecting back to me right now? Because the answers are already there.

Transcript

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Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Lvolve podcast where we have interesting and insightful conversations. It's just you and me today. And I've got an episode that came to me when I was driving on my quad into town. So I was thinking about self-worth. And I was reflecting on my own self-worth and really just thinking about how far I've come with it. And it got me reflecting and going into it a little bit deeper. I was like, how did I get here? Like, how did I really get here? Because I was driving in town, you know, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, there's beautiful greenery all around me, the wind's in my hair, and I was just having this intense moment of gratitude. I was like, fuck, I'm happy. Like, I am so stoked with my life, and I'm so proud of myself. And all of the risks that I've taken in life, all of the times where I've faced whatever's emerged, and every little step along the way has led me to where I am. And I was just kind of really, really sitting with how much I valued myself. I was like, fuck yeah, this is awesome. And when I think about how I got here, I was really inspired to come on and do a podcast about it. And so I sat down and I wrote a heap of notes. And I guess I think the first piece is self-awareness and curiosity and reflection and actually looking at yourself. See, there are some people existing and going about life and not even pausing to look at themselves and to look at their behavior and what's happening around them. And what's that, what that's reflecting back to them, right? And so without having that awareness and recognizing that it's like, fuck, maybe something's a bit off here. Yeah. My behaviors and habits are kind of reflecting back to me that my self-worth is probably low. Yeah. So without that awareness, it's like what follows next is kind of impossible, right? So there needs to be some reflection and inner inquiry and curiosity as well. And so once you see it, you can't really unsee it, right? And once I saw where my own self-worth was at years ago, I couldn't unsee it. And I had to ask myself, I had to be honest with myself. I was like, is this what I want? Is this what I want to keep creating? Because I'm the common denominator here. And then comes a decision. It's a decision to do something different, to create something different, to become a different version of yourself. To evolve. Kitty, I've got the cat sitting next to me and she's giving herself a bath. And like she I can like hear her like trying to lick her leg, but really she's licking the lounge. So I don't know if you guys were picking up on that in the audio. But you gotta stop, little kitten. Yeah, you love a pat. Anyway, so let's look at it. Self-worth isn't something that necessarily changes overnight. I mean, it could for some of you. It could it like it really is a simple decision, right? And what comes along with that simple decision is a lot of change. It's a lot of taking responsibility, like really looking at yourself and deciding that you want to change. And so that can literally look like your entire life changing. Your behaviors, your habits, the people you hang around with, your standards for yourself, um, how you take care of your body, your lifestyle, right? All of that can change. And that's what did change for me. And it didn't happen overnight, it was something that happened gradually. It was a gradual process. Right. And often what I see for so many people is that they decide that they want to change, and then they're looking so far out into the future that they're like, oh, it almost paralyzes them because they're like, it's so far away. How am I ever gonna get there? We can't bypass, we can't magically, you know, what's it, time transport, tele teleport, time travel, time transport? We can't time travel. I mean, I do believe that we kind of can time travel. Like, I swear there's been moments where I've encountered my higher self in the present moment, but we won't go there, we're not talking about that. But when it comes to growth, we can't just magically skip all the steps in that journey. I like to kind of visualize it like this life is this beautiful path that you're going to walk along, right? And it's a path of self-discovery and growth. And along this path, there are different checkpoints. And when you reach a checkpoint, that represents, it's like, oh, great. I've grown so much. So, for example, a checkpoint for me was getting to the point where I no longer drank alcohol when I went out to party or did drugs. I was at a checkpoint. I was like, yes, tick. And then that became the new normal. And then from that checkpoint, there's another checkpoint. And it's like, oh, what's gonna happen over there? What's gonna emerge for me there? Right? So there were there were so many checkpoints on this journey. And you can't just teleport from one checkpoint where you're at to, you know, 50 down along the path because you wouldn't have gotten any of the medicine along the way. Yeah. So each checkpoint is necessary, and I think there's a lesson of patience. Yeah. And an a quality of a quality of acceptance and surrender that you can bring to that journey to be like, this is actually part of it. I've just got to walk the path and I've got to reach the different checkpoints. And I think it's also important, like when you reach the checkpoints to celebrate, to celebrate yourself, right? It's kind of like that saying, like, the goalpost keeps moving. That is what it is. I just think the checkpoint um analogy feels better because it's like, yeah, I've reached a checkpoint. Woo! Celebrate. I've done amazing, rather than getting to where you thought the goalpost was and be like, oh, now the goalpost moved again, right? It's a different kind of feeling, those those two, right? The one that feels best for me is the checkpoint. Because it still implies that you've made progress. Okay, so let's look at it, right? I think I want to first talk about how I realized how unworthy I was. And this was definitely reflected for me in the standards that I had for myself. And this was shown by my actions and what was happening in my reality. So the first one being, and probably the most obvious, is the relationships that I attracted. I had situationships, I had fuck buddies, I had people that couldn't commit to me, people that were emotionally unavailable. And I myself, within all of those relationships, felt unworthy of love. When I reflect and I put myself back at that time and I feel into how I felt, I just didn't feel good enough. I didn't feel lovable. It was pretty interesting as well. Like up until recently, like in the last 12 months, I never imagined someone getting down on one knee and proposing to me. I never pictured getting married. Like, even as a little girl. And I feel a little bit emotional, like thinking about this, because I hear about other women talk about that that's something that they've thought about and imagined like ever since they were little girls. I didn't. Not until recently have I actually been able to see it. And that in itself demonstrates to me that I just didn't think I was worthy of it. I didn't think it was on the cards for me. I didn't believe it was on the cards for me. Right? I think on a conscious level, I was like, yeah, of course I'll get married and have kids one day, blah, blah, blah. You know, like on a very surface level, not really feeling into it. When really, if I gave myself the moment to feel into it, really sink into it, my whole body would like, I would, I would feel it in my body, feel my stomach contract and my heart kind of close off, and you know, get like a sensation in my throat where it's just like, that's not for you. That's not gonna happen. Yeah. So what I was attracting in love was demonstrating to me where my beliefs were at about myself. So the invitation right now, if you're listening to this, think about your relationship history. What's the pattern that's coming up for you? What's the pattern in how you feel in those relationships or situationships? How do you feel? Do you feel loved? Do you feel valued? Do you feel good enough? Are you treated well? Because if the answer is no, that's not the other person's fault. Yeah. It's telling you something about you. And it's also not your fault. I'm not here saying it's your fault people have cheated on you. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah. Like I'm not saying to me it's my fault that people cheated on me. And the way I see the world, and other people may not see it that way. And I didn't always see it this way, right? I see it through the lens of the universal laws, and like attracts like. We attract what we're an energetic match for. And I believe that our external reality and what we create and what we experience, how we feel, is telling us something about us on the inside, right? And so the fact that I attracted all these men that couldn't commit to me, that was telling me something about me. I was energetically calling them in. Yeah. I was physically attracted to a specific kind of guy. The fuck boy kind of guy. Yeah, he wasn't gonna commit. He wasn't emotionally available, right? So, how was I an energetic match for that? I was afraid of commitment. I was emotionally unavailable. And that all came down to my childhood and what I learned about relationships. Relationships didn't look very happy for me as a little girl. Right? So I did create that. And I take responsibility for that. And that feels good. Feels good to own it rather than to put myself into a victim position and be like, it's their fault. All those guys treated me bad, blah, blah, blah. And it's like I chose to stay. Hello. Yeah. I was in a two and a half year situationship where I knew he was fucking other girls and I knew he was messaging other girls because I was being psycho and checking his phone. I'll put my hand up to it. I know I'm not the only one, and I know it's wrong, right? And I don't want that for my future. Right? I want something different for my future. And I've done a lot of work on myself, right? But I stayed in that situation. I chose to stay. And he was actually telling me, I'm giving you everything I can give you. Like, are you okay with that? And I was like, yeah. And just like delusional, up in my own mind, being like, oh, he's gonna change. I can I can be the one to wrangle this guy, you know, like a fucking rodeo cowboy. It's like, I'll wrangle this wild bull. And not the kind, not the good kind of Dululu either. Yeah, it was a bit silly. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary suffering and heartache by choosing to stay for so long. I did that to myself. My choices. I'm a big girl. I can own my shit, right? And energetically, it's a better energy to hang out in, owning your shit than blaming someone else. Because that puts you in a victim position, puts you in a disempowered position, right? So, anyway, relationships, big teacher, big indicator of where your self-worth is at. Okay, that's the first one. The other thing was how I treated my body. I had terrible habits, yeah. I was partying, I was drinking, I was doing drugs, um, I was over-training, I would be binge eating, I would be undereating. I just put my body through it. And I feel, I feel really sad that I did that to myself. I didn't respect my body. Like, fuck, I respect my body so much more now. Like every day I'm in devotion to my body with the self-care that I do in the morning and the evening. I use this beautiful like coconut oil and mix my essential oils into it as well. Eco Modern Essentials, by the way, I'm an ambassador for those guys. Get your hands on some essential oils are the fucking goat. Anyway, I get this fractionated coconut oil, I put in my essential oils, and I massage my legs and my belly and my arms and my breast, like my whole body. And as I'm doing it, I'm just I'm just thanking my body for being so fucking forgiving for all the shit I put it through, the crappy food that I fed it, the chemicals and shit I put on it, the cocaine I snorted, like all of the shit that I did to my body, like I'm just so grateful that my body is so forgiving and is so intelligent and amazing and is able to heal freaking hell. That has been a big indicator as well, because the way I used to treat my body to what I do now is like day and night. I'm just so grateful for my health. And I think ayahuasca was something that yeah, was a bit of a teacher in that for me as well. Because I sat in a ceremony last September. Oh my god, it rocked my world. I'm still integrating it. I never want to do ayahuasca again after that. Um, I probably will one day in the distant future. I can't see it anytime soon. Uh and yeah, I had I sat with I sat with the idea of receiving a cancer diagnosis. And it was fucking terrifying. And it felt real. And I was like, lucky I was with this shaman um assistant at the time. I'd had a horrible night. I'd had a horrible night. And I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh no, and it was just like doom and dread, and everything was gonna go wrong. And I shared with her what I received, and she was like, that's not yours. Put it down, put it down, it's not yours. You don't need to pick that up. And the assistants and the medicine team, they're also on the medicine, so they're like really dialed in. And I know that she was meant to um give me that support, and I now know that I was meant to also have that experience because I had a friend recently go and um find out some crazy health things in her medicine journey, and she stayed with me for a week after, so I was really able to hold that space for her, having had received um having had that moment in plant medicine myself, right? So I've sat with like the absolute like worst possible news someone could get about their health. Or, you know, there are also other things that are awful and terrible, and cancer is pretty terrible, right? So I sat with that and it changed me. It changed the way that I've I treat my body in a big way, in a big way, and how grateful I am to have a body that is healthy and that loves me and that forgives me so much. Okay, so number two, look at your behaviors and habits. How are you treating yourself? How are you treating your body? Yeah, because that's an indicator of where your self-worth is at. Okay, love you. I know that probably some of this is um could be a little bit like, oh shit, I'm hearing stuff that I know that, yep. You know, you know, when you get when you have one of those conversations with someone and you're like, yep, this is so for me. Just know that this is delivered with so much love and compassion. And, you know, this is intended to be like an invitation to reflect, right? To reflect and to recognize and then to decide what happens next. Because you are the one that decides your self-worth at the end of the day. No one else determines that. You do, because you are the main character of your life. You are the leader of the play, right? You decide what happens, you decide how you treat yourself, you decide who you allow access to your energy, you decide what standards you set for yourself, you decide your self-worth. That's not on anybody else. All right, the next one. The next one was my self-image. I always wanted to change something, and I'm still working on this. And I think the energy and intention behind change or self-improvement matters. And what was apparent was that I was wanting to change myself from a place of wanting to be good enough and needing to prove myself. And um, yeah, it's like if I get fake boobs, then someone will love me, right? If I get Botox and I look perfect and I get bigger lips, then I'll be I'll be sexy enough for situationship guy. Yeah, if I just do this, then I'll be good enough. If I just change this about myself, then I'll be good enough. And it's fucking exhausting. It's an absolute waste of energy. And what I've observed is that now when I want to self-improve, I'm very mindful of just seeing what the motivation is behind it and deciding it to be something that's genuinely for me. So, for example, recently I wanted to do a 72-hour fast. Now, there are so many benefits for fasting. Look it up. I'm not gonna talk about fasting for ages on here, but there are lots of benefits for it, right? And I'm about to go on this cool retreat, like this retreat in Guatemala with these like interesting people. And I was like, oh, perfect. I'll do the fast just before the retreat. And I was like, hang on, why do I want to do it just before the retreat? And when I really looked into it, it was there was there was maybe a 60 or 70% sway towards doing it to be more lean and sexy and look better. And I was like, oh, I'm not doing the fast. I can do it after the retreat if I want to do it. Right? So I don't pretend to be perfect, I'm still on this journey, I'm still, you know, meeting different checkpoints, right? But yeah, like in the past, I just always wanted to change something, and it was always from this place of not being good enough. And then if I do that, then I'll be lovable, then I'll be good enough, then I'll be chosen. When really I was just self-abandoning time and time and time again and playing out the belief that I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worthy as I was. I had to be something different, I had to be smaller, I had to be more appealing and meeting the beauty standards more, right? So just reflecting on your self-image, right? Reflecting on how you perceive yourself and whether there is this undercurrent or this theme playing out of I need to change something about me and then I'll be good enough, or and then I'll be worthy. That's also an indicator of where your self-worth is at. The other one, this one's interesting. It's about money. Yeah. Your money habits and what you invest or spend your money on is an indicator of your self-worth. Massively. So I used to just waste money all the fucking time. Now, I think like a lot of people around me were spending money on the same things. So there was also like, you know, I guess a bit of like environmental influence there. It's like, oh, this is normal because everyone spends their money on alcohol and drugs on the weekend that I'm around anyway, right? Everyone fucking has one, two, or three new packages at the door every day. Yeah, online shopping. That's normal. Everyone does that. So I was just wasting all my money all the time. I was not investing it into anything of value. I wasn't investing it into myself. And money was telling me that because I had no money. It's like I'd look at my bank account and I was just kind of living week to week and I was making decent money. I've made good money at various points of my life. Like when I first got off The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, great money because influencing was popping off then, right? And I was doing a lot of brand collabs and now paying good. It's changed a lot. Still made good money from it, and it's not like my primary income by by any means. But I was making a fuck ton of money back then and I had no money. I had no money because I was just wasting it on everything. It's like I'd look at my bank account and money would be like, you're spending me on the wrong things. Look, I'll try and show you by showing you you've got none. So when I look back, it's clear. Like I can see all of the signs and clues that I was getting, right? And maybe you're starting to see some like in your own life. But I get to be a mirror for you, right? That's why I'm sharing this, so that you can be curious and you can be like, huh, does this apply to me? Oh shit, yeah. Oops. Oopsie. Like we can be cute about it. We don't need to be dicks to ourselves. Right. So I want to go uh uh I wanna take us on a little bit of a different journey, right? So when it comes to self-worth, this journey that I've been on, it's been a it's been a cool journey, right? And I I know that everything has happened exactly how it was meant to. So like when I reflect on the situationship guy, I would say that was a very karmic relationship or situationship because it showed me all of my wounds. It showed me where I was at, showed me where my self-worth was at. You know, and from then, like I knew I needed to do some healing. I knew I needed to change. I knew I needed to recognize my worth. And I knew that there were a series of checkpoints I needed to reach and meet along the way of that journey. The first one took me to Costa Rica and to my very first ayahuasca retreat, and and that shifted everything. It was the hardest week of my life at that point in time, right? This is a few years ago now, the very first time I went to Rhythmia, and it was so hard. And I remember just kind of thinking to myself, like, fuck. I did not take myself halfway around the world to go through something like that and to come back and to still feel like this in this situation ship. Like I am worth more. So it's almost like I reached a little checkpoint and I was like, no, I'm fucking done. I'm not. I'm no longer accepting this situation ship. I'm unsubscribing from that channel. That channel sucks. I'm sick of feeling unsafe. I'm sick of choosing that for myself. I'm choosing something different. And so I walked away and I ended it. And that's kind of when my personal development journey really started. Now this was like a massive, massive, massive turning point for me. Ayahuasca was great. It was like that, it was, it was like the medicine took me in. It was like she gave me what I needed to then go off and completely upgrade every single part of my life. Yeah. It was like she was like, oh, oh yes, you're meant to be here, just not really right now. Go away, go do some personal development, come back in a year and a half. That's basically like what I would say that she sh said to me. I didn't know that she said that. It's just now when I look back, I'm like, oh yeah. I like the way that I participated in the ceremony the first time compared to the second and the third time, night and day differences, like completely different. And it all had to do with where my level of consciousness was, where my level of self-awareness was, and um everything that I collected along the way, I needed that to then be able to go back into ceremony and do it in the way that I've done it. Hope that makes sense. But yeah, like my personal development journey, like I had some hurdles to jump. And I know that there are other people that have come up against similar hurdles. So the very first thing that I signed up for was an NLP course with Elizabeth and Walker in the Gold Coast. Highly recommend. And I was 80 grand in debt, guys. Like I'm telling you, when I was when I say I was bad with money, I was fucking bad with money. I had $80,000, maybe a little bit more, worth of debt from my credit card with the tax man, because I didn't know how to fucking do tax. Yeah. I wasn't putting enough money away for what I was earning. I was slapped with this big bill. And then I get this undeniable knowing that I'm meant to go do this training. Didn't even really know anything about it. Yeah. There's like a crazy story there. I don't know if I should go into it. Uh should I do it quickly? I'll do it quickly because it is a pretty cool story. Okay. After the situationship breakup, he was with someone like within a matter of weeks. I was fucking heartbroken. Devastated, right? Oh, it was so sad. It was so sad. Oh God, I thought my life was over. Anyway, it wasn't. So if you're in a position now where you're like, my life is over, we broke up. I promise you it's gonna be okay. I promise you. Yeah. Anyway, I was in a habit of seeing tarot card readers to get all of the answers because I didn't trust myself, right? So I would always look outside of myself for the answers. And tarot card readers and psychics and stuff was something that I would go to frequently. And so I went to this chick and I was like, do a reading for me. And basically, I wanted her to tell me that he would come back and he would recognize his ways and we'd run off into the sunset, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She didn't tell me that. She was like, no, it's not gonna happen. And I was like, You don't know what you're talking about. Like, that's what I was thinking. And she was like, something is coming up though for you. Something's coming up in July, and you need to do that. And then after that, everything will be different. And I didn't really listen to her because I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear. So I just kind of, you know, threw that over my shoulder and I was like, whatever. And so my friend Trav, and I met him like two years prior. He reached out to me, was like, hey, I want you to come on my podcast and you can tell us all about your ayahuasca journey and we'll catch up and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, sweet. So we're talking about the ayahuasca journey. He's telling him he's telling me about everything he'd been doing with coaching. Yeah. And he'd done his training through EAWTC as well. And he was like, Ellie, you don't understand. It transformed my life. Like it opened up so much for me professionally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, opened so many doors. And I was like, cool, man, that sounds great. And he was like, I'm getting such a strong feeling that this is something you need to do. And then it was like a light had just come on. And I was like, hang on. Don't tell me it's in July. And he was like, it is in July. And I was like, get fucked. All right, I'm in. Didn't even know what it was. I was just like, okay. Like that was all I needed to know. It felt like a divine sign. It sounds like a divine sign, right? Do you agree? So I signed, I wanted to sign up for this course, and it was $3,000 or something. $3,000 and something, $4,000, something like that. And I was like, fuck, like, I've got $80,000 worth of debt. I've got $9k in my bank account, but that's to pay off the tax ban. Like, this is this doesn't seem like a responsible choice. So that was my hurdle. I had to jump over it. And I did. I was like, fuck it. Fuck it. Like, I know I need to do this. And I like to think of it like this. It's almost like up until that point, the world, the message I was communicating with God and the universe was, I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. Yeah. And then suddenly I'm like, I'm going to be worthy. And the universe is like, show us. Show us. Here's a little hurdle. What are you going to do with it? Yeah. Are you going to invest into yourself? Are you going to invest in yourself to change? Yeah. To develop on a personal level, personal development. Or are you just going to keep doing the same shit? I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. And I did it. And it changed my fucking life. Changed my life. Changed my life. I have had quite a few life-changing moments. And it's always been off the back of investing in myself. Hmm. So yeah, the choice to invest. What that gave me, it gave me, it gave me so much. It helped me heal so much shit from the past. It upgraded my mind. Like literally what Trav said, it expanded me professionally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, energetically. Like it did really open up so many doors. I went back and I did the master practi training. Life-changing. Life-changing, right? And then I did breath work training and the masters in that, my business. I'd started my business. I'd invested to work one-on-one with Liz, the trainer. And I've done that multiple times on my third round of coaching with her. So I kept investing in myself. I kept communicating to God and the universe through my actions. I am worthy. The money that I get, I'm going to put it back into me. Right? What follows and what is so, so, so, so, so, so important. I mean, you can do so many different trainings and so many different courses, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you're not integrating what you've learned into your life, you're just putting the money down the drain. You're just bypassing again. You're not actually doing the work. So I really did do the work. I'm doing the work, right? And that's evidenced by no longer drinking alcohol, no longer doing drugs, um, continuing to invest in myself, like regulating my nervous system, upgrading my lifestyle. So I'm actually honoring myself and taking good care of myself, fueling myself, nourishing myself, allowing myself to rest. All of those things are so important. And that's all part of integration, right? I sit with myself every single day, every single morning. The very first thing that I do is I sit. I sit with myself. I drink tea and I observe what emerges and I'm curious about it. I'm working on myself every single day. And this is the integration piece, right? Now I know how to do that because I've been doing this for a while. And I've always had someone in my corner to support me. I've always had my mentor. We've had little breaks in between each um container. But fuck, like to have a coach or a mentor that knows what they're doing, it's invaluable. Yeah, to have someone that's well resourced to be able to guide you and support you, invaluable. The best investment that I've ever made in myself. If I was to recommend one thing, one thing that I've done that I would recommend to you, it would be get a coach. The second one would be to do the NLP training at EAWTC specifically. The reason I would say work with a coach before do the NLP training is because if you're doing it for the purpose of like healing and um like changing your life and wanting to upgrade your life and resolve issues like anxiety, depression, um, any behavioral stuff, stuff that I explained that I, you know, lived in the past. Like working with a coach, you get to do it over a longer period of time, whereas the training's a week. Yeah. And the training's still amazing, like it changed my life. The good thing about the training is that you learn the specific NLP techniques to be able to support yourself. So I use NLP every single day on myself. Every single day. And breath work, breath work's been invaluable as well. But if I was to give you a if I was to give you like step by step, and this would also depend on what you're willing to invest in yourself, I would say work with a coach first. Group program one-on-one. Someone that's been trained to do unconscious change work, right? Because that's where the real change happens. When you work with the unconscious mind. Yeah, you start to rearrange and reprogram your program. Now, I'm gonna do a whole nother episode on the program because that's a whole nother conversation. It's a great conversation. I'm super pumped about that. That'll be the next one. I'll record that one and that can be the next episode talking about the program. But yeah, if you're actually wanting to change your life, you need to do unconscious change work. And talk therapy, psychology, counseling. It's all of value because you're able to get it off your chest and you're able to speak to someone and you're able to reflect and you're able to make sense of things and recognize, oh, yeah, I've got some relationship issues because you know, my parents were this way, or you know, I get it. Yeah, you can see it. It's like, oh, okay, cool. I know why I am the way that I am. And how do I really change it in a meaningful way? Doing the unconscious change work is the answer to that question. Okay. And that's where NLP comes in. You can also do unconscious change work with breath work. The only thing is that the NLP techniques that you can use are more specific. So breath work's kind of like a lucky dip. You're like, let's go on a breath work journey. I don't know why I turned American, but yeah, let's go on a breathwork journey. But it's like you got a blindfold on, you're putting your hand into a hat and you don't know what you're gonna get out of it. Whereas with NLP, the specific mindset techniques that work with the unconscious mind, you can be specific. So it's like, we're gonna work on anger today. Because I'm fucking angry at a lot of people and I don't know why, right? So working with a coach that's done the training, like I have through EAWTC, they'll be able to help you sort that out. Same thing as like the beliefs, like we're talking about self-worth, right? Yeah. If you're now recognizing that it's like, fuck, my self-worth needs a little bit of work after listening to my story, there's probably a belief in your unconscious mind that you're not worthy. And that's come from childhood, likely, or it's been passed down through, you know, your parents, different generations. Yeah. Okay, cool. So honestly, when I reflect and to kind of summarize it all together, self-worth, my self-worth increased when I invested energy back into me. Energy being time, money, and presence. When I chose to put that back into myself, that's when everything changed it, changed it, changed it. That's when everything changed. That's when everything changed for me. So what's that look like specifically? Time. Time only with myself, right? So the devotional practices that I have for myself in the morning and evening to regulate my nervous system. Yeah, presence also comes into that as well. It's like I'm not just like doing a body massage and like thinking about all of the things I need to do tomorrow. Yeah, I'm doing a beautiful, nourishing body massage, like thanking my body for loving me and for giving me and being such a safe space for me to experience life. Yeah. And bringing that focus and presence to what I'm doing. And also like time as in time to do the inner work, time to, and that's really what Costa Rica has been for me, honestly. It's giving me a lot of time to myself and a lot of time for me to sit with myself, yeah, and give space for things to emerge and for me to look at them and for me to work on them. And I'm well, I'm resourced to be able to do it because I've done all this training. So it's been absolutely fucking divine. I look back and it makes so much sense. I'm like, oh, I was meant to do all of that training, and I was meant to go into the jungle and sit with myself, sort my fucking shit out so that I can step onto this bigger timeline. Yeah. This huge timeline that has so many exciting things on it, and I'm gonna make such a big impact, and I get to give back and I get to serve, right? So that's what this time in Costa Rica has been about. It's been an investment into myself so that I can be ready for what's next. And what's next is big and exciting, and I feel worthy of it, which is so exciting. My little, my little, my beautiful brain, my brain two years ago couldn't have even imagined what is coming next. Like it wasn't possible. It wasn't possible for me to see that as even a possibility. Because my self worth could wouldn't allow me to see past a certain distance. And as I increased my self-worth, I was like, oh yeah, I'm worthy. I'm fucking capable. I'm ready to go. It's like all of these new doors have presented to me. And it's like, oh yeah, we're going that way. Let's go. Right. It's very, very cool. It's an amazing thing to reflect back on and to be like, wow. Wow. Okay, cool. Looking at money. Um, yeah, like all of the trainings that I've done, the retreats that I've gone on, the experiences that I've had, the coach mentor that I still work with, and I've invested the first time I invested in her was 20K, the second time I invested in her was 20K, the third time I invested was 30K. Right? And I'm worthy of that. And it's been the best fucking investment of my life to do this work. Not only because I get to give back to people and I do similar work, but because of how I feel now about myself and the experience that I get to have. So it's worth it. I mean, I decide it's worth it, right? Because I decide my worth. And so you've got to decide your worth. You've got to decide if you're worthy of investing in yourself. And I'm here to just say you are and you should. You deserve to. I mean, you deserve to reinvest in yourself. Yeah, there's not a fucking cap on it. I think some people, you know, do one thing and they're like, oh, okay, done. It's like, why? Why, why do you feel like you're done? What else is out there? What else is available to you? Yeah? It's like, oh, I'm only allowed to invest this much money into this one group program. And then, and then I've invested too much. That's my that's my quota reached. It's like, whoa, when did you decide that? And what's that telling you about your self-worth? Yeah. You're worthy of reinvesting. Like if it's if it's adding value to your life and you're seeing improvements and you're loving your progress, keep going. And it doesn't have to always be with the same person. It could be kind of like what I've done. But I've stayed with that same coach. But you know, like I've done different trainings, I've done different retreats. Yeah. I've invested in different ways. Okay. Um, also money, like the money that I've invested into my business to be able to build what I'm building. There's so many cool things coming. I'm so excited for you guys to get your hands on them and for you to see. Like, really, really excited. Yeah, I've invested a lot into my business, like into my podcast, into building um some exciting things, special course that's coming. Ha! Yeah. So yeah, money, money has been an amazing ally for me to for me to have. And I had to work on that as well, like with my coach, like all of that work that I've done, like with NLP, like I really had to go in and work on my relationship with money. And now I fucking love money. I love money like a dear, dear friend. Money is my bestie. Right? I'm like, fuck yeah, money, we're best friends. We're gonna do great things together. I didn't always feel like that. Maybe that's another conversation, but yeah. Okay, and when we look at presence, this also means rest. Yeah, being present enough with myself and being able to notice when yeah, I actually just need to rest and like giving myself permission to rest, recognizing that I'm worthy of rest. I'm worthy of doing nothing. Some people have this experience where it's like, oh, I'm only worthy if I'm doing this, this, this, and this. And I've felt that. I've felt that at some points along my journey. Yeah, it's like this feeling that you need to be doing something when really you just should be resting because your body's asking for it. You need a, you know, um, what's the word? Re, it starts with re. It's not rest, it's a different word. Revitalize, recover, rejuvenate, replenish. You need to replenish, it's replenished. Yeah. If your body is asking you to rest and to replenish, like you're allowed to do that. But if you're feeling this little undercurrent of like, no, I should need to be doing something, and I need to be doing this, or I should be creating. It's like, no, you're worthy of rest, you're worthy of doing nothing. And you decide that. Because self-worth's reflected in that too, right? And it's this awareness that it's like, no, look, I am important, and I deserve to take what I need so that I can feel great. I'm worthy of that. And if that's rest, then I'll take it because I'm worthy. Self-worth is like this thread that weaves through so many different things. Are you seeing that? Like now through this conversation. So I'm curious. What have you learned? What have you learned about yourself? What have you uncovered through hearing my story and my share? What have you learned about yourself? I hope that this has been a an invitation that you can receive that inspires you to look at your standards and decide whether they're good enough for you. Yeah. And to decide what you're worth. Your partner can't decide that for you. Yeah. The world can't decide that for you. That's your choice. You decide. You decide what you're worth. Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode, guys. I'll see you in the next one.