EP00: Why This Podcast Is The Thing I Couldn't Not Do

On a kitchen floor in September of 2018, I woke up inside my adult life.  And I was not okay. 

In this premier episode, the stage is set at the lowest point I've ever been. That moment was a catalyst for the journey I would take over the next several years.

The exact words I said out loud to myself on the floor that day were, “This is not how this story ends.” I didn’t know what that would look like at the time, but what I did know is that it would begin with setting fire to everything I’d already created. 

Just because something has been true, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. 

I dive into reflecting on the lack of emotional education in the world I grew up in and my passion for the importance of learning to express emotions, set boundaries, and seek help. I will always aim to create a platform for open discussions about mental health, recovery, and personal growth, encouraging others to take ownership of their healing journey while recognizing the value of support from others. 

After a lifetime of watching people shove things under the rug, I discovered I have an infinite hunger for talking about the truth. It’s what I’m here for.  

Let’s begin, shall we? 

Chapters

• 0:00 From Rock Bottom to Self-Discovery
• 6:25 Creating a Platform for Healing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

There are moments in life that split us open, quiet unravelings, sudden breaks, or truths we didn't know we needed until we had no choice. This podcast is about those moments. It's about the turning points that change us, the things I wish someone had told me that I only understand in looking back. Come on in. You belong here, and we're going to talk about all of it. I'm your host, Natanya, and this is What I Didn't Know. Before we begin, a quick note. This podcast explores themes such as mental health, addiction, trauma and recovery. While the stories here are honest and heartfelt, they're not a substitute for professional advice, therapy or medical treatment. Please listen with care and pause anytime you need to. Take whatever resonates for you and leave the rest. Hi. I'm Natanya. I'm so happy that you're here. And this is a project that I have thought of for several years. And I'm happy to be finally like putting out into the world to share with you. And I hope that you get something out of it. Where this begins, where we find our character was in 2018. She was on the kitchen floor. She was me sitting with a bottle of Jack Daniels and an Oracle deck, asking a lot of really big questions, understanding that I had hit a floor. I'd hit a rock bottom and knew that I couldn't continue anymore. I was a massive alcoholic. My marriage was a shit show. I was very dissociative and numb. Like in that moment, I couldn't feel anything. I didn't care. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I wasn't anything. I just couldn't feel anything anymore. And I had gotten to the point where I was willing to finally acknowledge that and ask some bigger questions. And so what this is about, why I created this was for her, for the girl on the floor that didn't know anything The only emotion that I did have at that point in time was after I had kind of come along with the realization of where I was at and I had started to come to terms with that and face it. The one emotion that I did have was anger. And I was angry because the question that I had that I literally spoke out to the world was how did no one tell me any of this? How did I not know anything about anything that I was dealing with? You know, and I had spent years in education systems. Thank you so much for joining us. that were hard that were true. And so I was in this state of a really big question of like, how did I not know about any of this? And so I got a little feisty about that because it wasn't okay. Like we spend all this time teaching people in America about all of these other topics that whoever deemed as part of that system, and yet the basis of human relationships, connection, and the relational experiences that we have with each other in the workplace, in family relationships, friendships, romantic dynamics. I didn't know anything about any of that. And then I proceeded to spend the next several years learning voluntarily and investing in myself because as much as I knew and the, you know, pieces of paper that said I had graduated from things and had degrees in things wasn't all that valuable when I found myself on the kitchen floor. And so I decided to go do something about that. So why this matters is that in my anger that I didn't know any of this, I laid figured out and understood that I didn't know any of this because a lot of the people that were around me and came before me, they didn't know either because no one showed them because they didn't talk about things. And so in doing all this work and uncovering things from my past, I had found that like my memory of growing up was that a lot of things were kind of shoved under the rug or not talked about. And there was sort of like the overarching thing of like, what would the in the neighborhood, literally, or other people in our family, you sort of didn't show the whole truth. And you had a little bit of a facade, sometimes a big facade, about what was actually happening. And so it leads this like duality of who I'm showing everybody and what's actually happening behind closed doors. And not talking about that was a really big disservice because I didn't know. And I didn't know what I didn't know. And maybe you don't either. And that's part of why I wanted to start talking about things I think I started sort of organically in just sharing things on social media for my own healing. I just started writing like after this experience, like little clips of things. Some of it was funny. Some of it was meant to be inspirational because I wanted to talk to people because nobody had talked to me. And I spent a lot of time in therapy rooms and other rooms, all sorts of paid professionals and friends and family talking about and learning about how to tell the truth about things were hard and understanding that that's okay. And not only is it okay, I would encourage you to do it because it's very freeing. Of all the things that I ever speak about, one of the best gifts I ever gave myself was telling the truth. And that begins with telling the truth to yourself. And sometimes that can be really difficult. So that's why I'm here is to share some of my own stories that you may or may not have already heard. And to invite people, you know, some of the guests that I will have on here are the people that I talk to are people, they're all people that have walked some version of a similar road. And it may not be the same topic or the same, you know, area, but all of them have been through hard things and chosen to sort of do an about face and face those things and step by step walk through the muck of kind of looking behind you. Where have I been What have I gone through? Where did I learn all of this stuff? Where am I at today? And then what do I need to do to kind of unbreak those patterns and habits that I've learned and to grow into something different and ultimately better? Because why that matters so much to me is because who I am impacts people, right? Who I am, how I move throughout the world, the ripple effect is very real. I've seen it. I've lived it. I felt it from other people and I've seen the impact of things that I have done or said someone else picking up a little piece of something that I left and then taking it and making it their own and, you know, changing their own life with it, which is just incredibly beautiful. I always say like one of my things that I'm the most passionate about, if there was a title or a label or something I could give for like why I am on this earth, it is to help people help themselves, right? I can't do it for you and you don't need me to, but what I can do is start talking about some of the things that I don't know that you may hear. You know, if you're involved like I was in, things may be happening that are difficult or uncomfortable, and you don't know what to do with that. And so I just wanted to start talking to hopefully give you permission to do the same. I have some of these will be solo episodes where I talk to you about things that I'm passionate about, I'm interested in, things that happen in my daily life that's very much in real time. And some of them will be guest episodes where I have other people that I'm in conversation with, like I said, people that have already had their own versions of this. And a lot of them, some of them, the stories I know some of them the questions I ask are because I genuinely want to know more I'm so curious because what is so interesting and valuable to me about this experience is that there's not a right way I think there's there's sort of always I always say like all roads go to Rome or all roads lead to California which is that like you can input from anywhere you are in a GPS and take an infinite number of roads to get there and some are the highway and some are a bunch of detours and back roads and I've taken many of all of the above and so has everyone else that's here but I think it's so valuable to kind of see and hear from different people because what I've found in my conversations as I've moved throughout the world is that I would be talking to someone and then a week later end up in a similar conversation with someone else who they didn't know each other and I'd be like oh yeah I was just talking about this with so and so and sort of wishing that I could share that or they could hear that because they would get something out of it and so the easiest way for me to do that is to record it so that is why I'm here I am so excited to talk out loud in a way that I hope lands for you and I hope that you can get something out of and apply in your own life. The best advice I can give when listening is to try to stay open and stay curious and I will always invite you to take what resonates and leave the rest. There will be moments that we probably go down difficult topics. I encourage you to take care of yourself in that process if something is triggering for you. I will talk about trauma. I will talk about pain and things that are hard and wounding. I'm a human in recovery, so I will also talk about recovery as are many of the people that will be on this podcast, though not all of them. And I think there's a lot of value in that and just teaching and talking about the way that I've come to be moving throughout the world as an adult. Because essentially what it was is I just spent many years surviving barely and functioning and sort of checking off boxes that I thought that was how to succeed as an adult. And while there's a lot that was good from those experiences I was very reactive I wasn't like leaning forward and leaning into the choices that I make in creating the way that I do now and so to sort of own and acknowledge this is where I have been this is where I have found myself and if you find yourself here too I just hope that you know that that you always have a choice and that doesn't make it easy it doesn't mean one of my favorite and most passionate things that I talk about is that two things can be true at the same time that both can be true and one of those specific is that everything that I have done and I have gone through, I have been the one to take those steps and make the choices and put one foot in front of another and make the choice that makes the change to get myself from point A to point 17. And yes, I did that because it doesn't make sense as does most of my life. But I have had to do that. I did that on my own. I had to make those actionable steps and go one thing at a time and sometimes backwards. and sometimes forwards and sometimes to the side. But I did that, meaning I had to take ownership of that and I had to take full responsibility for my own life and my own choices, regardless of whatever else has happened to me. So that is thing one. That is true. And big capital A. And at the very same time, I did not do that alone. I have had a lot of help. I have had a lot of guidance and mentors and kind of like I said before, a lot of that has been friends and family and people that I have trusted. Some of that has been people like sponsors in recovery. So that has been paid professionals, therapists, energy work. I've done a lot of different modalities on purpose because I kind of like to attack things from multiple angles because every time I do that, I can sort of see different perspectives on the same topic that I didn't see before. And I think there's a lot of value in that. So I say that to distress that both things can be true. In any situation, you have to be the one to make the choice that makes the change. No one is coming to save you. No one is going to do it for you. And even like the indecision of waiting or not making a choice is still making a choice. And all of that is up to you and what you do or don't choose to do with that. And at the same time, none of us do anything alone. And so whether it's, you know, the man you talked with the grocery store that helps you reach things on the top shelf, which is a regular problem that I have, or, you know, a therapist or healer or someone that that takes you through like a really, a really dark walk and helps you come up to the other side. All of that, I had a lot of support in. And both things can be true. Both parts of that same coin are necessary in order for healing to really occur. And so that's why I'm here. I'm here to talk to you about that and to share essentially all of the things that nobody told me that I didn't, that I just didn't have any concept of and I had to go learn as an adult. And so I just want to share with you what I didn't know. As always, I hope that you take what resonates and leave the rest. We'll see you soon.