EP04: From The Heart | On Letting People In

"I kept the blinds down all the time... it was a metaphor for my whole life."

Today’s episode introduces a new type of segment—shorter messages from me to you—straight From The Heart. These are spontaneous and will drop randomly, whenever the inspiration strikes and my heart is being tugged on by something that needs to be shared.  Think of them as surprise bonus episodes! 

These are the episodes that simply have to be made. 

First up is an essential contemplation for anyone who assumes they have to go it alone. In this episode I share some of my own experience with isolation and ask you to reconsider your assumptions about seeking help. 

Chapters

• 0:00 On Loneliness and Isolation When You're Not Feeling Great
• 3:01 People Care More Than You Allow Them To

Transcript

Netanya (00:01) 

So I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about loneliness. And it reminded me of a time in my life when I really didn't, I didn't want to let anybody in, ever. 

And you know, this is several years ago and I was so isolated. I think sometimes when you don't feel good and things are hard and I was in a very dark place that I didn't want anyone to see that. 

And quite literally, the house that I lived in, we kept the blinds down all the time. I'm like the main floor that nobody could see in. And it was kind of, it wasn't like dark, dark in there, but it was just darker because of that. And I thought about that often, about how much, it's like, it's literal, but it's a metaphor for my whole life at that point in time when I didn't. 

I didn't want to show any of things that I was going through that were difficult. And even to the point when I can remember going to the grocery store particularly was a painful experience for me because I was constantly on edge that I might run into somebody that I know. 

And when you don't feel good, even questions like, hi, how are you, ⁓ can set you on edge. Because my answer was like, the true answer was, well, I oscillate between either wanting to sob or set things on fire. How are you? That was the truth. you're sort of saying platitudes and being kind and moving on. And I would duck. I would duck around the corner and hide. 

because I didn't want to face any of it and I didn't want people to see me. And what was interesting is I can also remember several years later after... 

I had sort of done an about face and gone and looked in my life directly and dealt with things, walked through things that were hard, had hard conversations, faced things, forgiveness, all of that. And I had moved to Colorado and in Colorado I lived in a small town. And small towns are, you can't avoid running into people no matter how hard you try because the guy that works at your bank also works 

out with you at the gym or works out at the same gym that you work out at and then has a side hustle as a waiter at your favorite restaurant on a weekend. Like you run into people everywhere because you just cross paths. And so I had gotten to a place where I remember being in a grocery store one day and I ran into somebody that I knew and chit chatted for a little bit and then sort of had a moment afterwards where I realized how far I had come. You know, sometimes when you're making small incremental changes 

Incremental changes it's you know, I call it measuring backwards We forget to look behind us to see how far we've come and when you still have goals in front of you You can be forever chasing that I'm not there yet instead of looking at how far you've come and especially when it's small and Over time, you don't really realize how much how different your life can be and so it was just I had a moment I remember in a grocery store and I realized like this is this used to be a really painful thing for me and it's 

It's 

not anymore and it's not because I made different choices and changes to my life and one of those things was letting people in. We don't realize sometimes, there's a million reasons why we don't want to let people in. First off, you think that they don't care. Even if you do think they might care, then you might think that they don't understand. Sometimes it's because they're having a hard time with 

things and you don't want to burden them with your problems. There's a million reasons. I just, you know, looking back, realized how much I had shut people out for a long time. didn't, I wouldn't even give anyone the opportunity to maybe help me by telling them anything. They didn't even know anything. And it's one of the things that I, like I don't have very many regrets about really anything in my life. And I'm, I'm very comfortable saying that. But one of the things I sort of like, 

In hindsight, if I could have done something differently or if I would have nudged myself in anything, it would be to maybe not make so many assumptions that letting people in would be so difficult or that they wouldn't understand or wouldn't care or wouldn't want to help me. Because as it turns out, ⁓ 

A lot of people cared and I have many people in my life now that love me and help me in many different ways. But a lot of that, the change had to come from within me. And if you think of it sort of from the alternative perspective, most of us, if someone came to you in this moment and said, you help me? Most of us wouldn't mind, even would be happy to help or would love to help, really love to help someone else with something. 

something that is within my capacity to give them. in not asking for help and making those assumptions, we end up robbing other people of the opportunity to give us a really beautiful gift. So, I don't know, if there was anything I could invite you to today, if there are places or spaces where you think that you're alone, 

that no one will hear you or will understand you or can hold you. Like that was one I had for a long time that like nobody can hold all that I am. 

And that's also not true. And many people hold different parts of me, you know, and not everybody has, you know, the key card to my suite, so to speak, you know, and not everybody gets access to every level of me. If you think of a bullseye, it's a really good example of like if you were the center and you have, you know, the surrounding circles that go outward. Some people are, you know, level three people. They're not, you know, in every aspect of my life. They don't get access 

to things that are really vulnerable for me or things that I'm really working on. ⁓ And other people do. Some people are closer and I can get into really deep, honest, heartfelt things with them. And even there's many things that I'm still working through that those people don't even get that maybe my therapist gets. And that's it for today. And all of that's okay. I don't think there's a timeline on that, but I just think that there's definitely 

definitely some, probably some potential for you to let people help you that you might have just been, just been closing off from that isn't really necessary and you might be surprised. So I just want to give that to you today and invite you to consider that people might care more than you think.