EP43: Untelling Old Stories | Releasing Forced Timelines and Learning to Receive — with Elizabeth Bee

What happens when you finally decide to change your life, but the divine timeline doesn't match the grand vision you’ve mapped out for yourself?

In this episode, local Nashville musician Elizabeth Bee and I unpack the messy reality of recovery, relationship loops, and the ultimate freedom of "untelling" old childhood stories. We dive into how healing requires us to intentionally break down inherited narratives and reclaim the power to choose who we want to become.

If you've ever struggled with people-pleasing, hyper-independence, or finding the courage to let your guard down, this conversation is your warm invitation to take a deep breath, lay your armor down, and step out of the survival lane.

Inside the Conversation:

• Releasing Forced Timelines: What it means to surrender our personal agendas, let go of the need to force outcomes, and lift our heads up to notice the real-time "God winks" and synchronicities that prove we are always divinely supported.
• The Illusion of Romantic "Fireworks": We break down how instant, intense romantic sparks are often just our oldest, most familiar childhood trauma wounds activating on a loop, rather than signs of a healthy, safe connection.
• Embodying the Divine Feminine and Receptivity: We reflect on the profound shift of softening our hyper-masculine, "get shit done" protective walls so we can practice the hard work of receiving, letting people contribute to our lives, and bravely accepting the truth that we are not for everyone.

True alignment doesn't happen when we force life to fit our mold; it happens when we finally trust ourselves enough to let life unfold. This conversation reminded me so deeply that the magic, the healing, and the impact we are all searching for is waiting for us just on the other side of surrender.

Full episode and show notes: netanyaallyson.com/episodes/43

Transcript

The Journey of Recovery and Control

Netanya 0:00

There are moments in life that split us open. Quiet unravelings, such fragments or truths, we didn't know. Until we had no choice. This podcast is about those moments. It's about the turning points that change us. The things I wish someone had told me that I only understand in looking back. Come on in. You belong here. And we're gonna talk about all of it. I'm your host, Natanya, and this is what I didn't know. Before we begin, a quick note. This podcast explores themes such as mental health, addiction, trauma, and recovery. While the stories here are honest and heartfelt, they're not a substitute for professional advice, therapy, or medical treatment. Please listen with care and pause anytime you need to. Take whatever resonates for you and leave the rest. Today's guest is Elizabeth B. In this episode, we get into the illusion of romantic fireworks and butterflies, why intense chemistry is often just an old trauma loop on repeat, trading hyperindependence for receptivity, softening our get shit done armor to practice the work of receiving, and the art of untelling old stories, how to break down inherited narratives and choose who you want to become. Here we go. Well, I want to begin with what we had talked about the last time I saw you, which was I didn't get to pick what God fixes first. I would love to know what that means to you.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Well, I had this laundry list of things, I guess backing up a little bit. Yeah. When I when I first came into recovery for many years, so I knew I had a problem for probably about 18 years at least before I got into the program. I didn't know there was help. I tried everything they say not to do once you get into the program. I tried a geographic, which is moving across the country a couple times. You feel great for a little bit, and then everything changes and then it goes right back to where it was. Pretty much worse. So I always had this story in my head that I would get sober someday and everything that was wrong with my life would just be better then. So I'm just gonna stay out a little bit longer. And the longer I stayed out, the longer the list became of this needs to change, this needs to change, this needs to change. And then I get into recovery and I find out pretty quickly that those things are not gonna change over life. In fact, some of those things you really shouldn't change for the first year because big changes can sometimes negatively affect your trajectory in recovery. Sometimes it can help, sometimes I it's it depends. But the program that I was a part of through Cumberland Heights outpatient said unless you're in danger, just stay put and work on your recovery and make everything about your recovery for the first year. So I had this list of things, the relationship I was in, where I was living, my job, my daily routine, my music career, everything, just laundry list. And found myself in a place of oh my gosh, nothing's changing right away. And I just feel crazy because I'm going through recovery and the ups and downs. As you know, it's a cycle. It's you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. The only good news is whenever you're down, the only way to go is up. So I just had to stay put. And I had to stay put and and just allow what they called the miracle to happen. And those magic moments didn't come for a while, but then they started to come and they kept coming, and things would start to happen that were on my list. A big one recently. But when that big one happened, my gut instinct said, No, no, no, no, no, higher power. Too soon. Don't do it. It's too much. So that's a little bit about what that means to me.

Netanya 4:17

I love that. And for so many reasons, because some of it's about control, right? You want it you want this to go in the order that you want and in your timing and your direction. And it is my experience, very similar to what you just said, that that almost never happens the way that I think it should, or when I think it should. Um, and that's been a big practice of surrender, is letting go of the things that I want to be done yesterday, things that I feel like are not moving at all, and I'm working on them. That's even more frustrating. Like, why are we still here? What for you has moved what what moved first?

SPEAKER_01 5:00

I have to think about that. I do want to say that I love how you brought up control because I didn't think I was a controlling person until I got into recovery. And then I, oh gosh, they're very controlling. That's something I need to work on. But yes, always trying to be in control. I'm having a hard time thinking there were there were lots of little moments at first, right? The list wasn't necessarily getting checked off. But what I was learning is that when you're so hyper-focused on the list and the big things, you are missing all of the good little things. Because so many good things happen when you're working hard at your recovery, becoming a better version of yourself. I I mean, so many beautiful things, whether it was going from feeling like I was in a drought in songwriting to one day riding my motorcycle down the Natchez Trace south of Nashville, and all of a sudden these lyrics come into my head, and then I pull over somewhere so that I can hurry up

Synchronicities and Signs from the Universe

SPEAKER_01 6:02

and do a voice memo and come home and get a song that's still one of my favorite songs. So those, those moments, or when things align, little this is so silly, but just little things like I hadn't thought about a person forever and got in my car one day and thought about them, and then they were standing on the corner at the traffic light. Or really, um, yeah, it's just weird, and that's little serendipitous stuff, you know. But but there's more joy in it, right? When it happens now. Or I ordered some speaker stands for my home studio from a company, and they were delivered completely trashed. And I got a replacement, I spoke with them, they were wonderful customer service, and they told me to just throw away the speaker stands. Well, I live in a duplex and my neighbor's a producer, and I just happen to say to him, Hey, dude, do you need some speaker stands? And he goes, Oh my gosh, I was looking at them online last week and they were too expensive. I can't afford them right now and I need them so badly. Oh my gosh. Or the neighbors sending out in the group text, like, does anybody need compost? And oh, I was looking for, I was gonna go buy a bunch of compost I didn't need, you know, it's like it seems like such small stuff, but when you're working on joy in your life and filling your life with joy, which is a big part of the recovery process, little stuff like that just feels so good. So lots of little things, lots of little things were shifting. But the big thing was that I needed to, I really needed to move and I really needed to end my relationship that I had been in for several years. And I know we're gonna talk about that later too, but that was the biggest first thing on the list.

Netanya 7:53

I want to touch base before I go into the other stuff about the synchronicities, because I love that so much. And for a long time, you know, I think a lot of people just observing human society, people dump that off as like just a coincidence and don't give it the credence that I think it deserves when those little things are happening. Especially when you start to, it's almost like if you you lift your head up off the ground and you start to see all this magic, and I would collect it and and use it as evidence that I'm not alone, that I'm supported divinely and guided, that there's so much bigger things out there than me. And like you said, in the tiniest things or a song comes on the radio right when I was thinking about something, or um just I have so many. You can get into like angel numbers of things if you want to go that route. But just things working out or unfolding in really magical ways that I couldn't have planned on my own is just a really beautiful way to live. And I had a lot of that in the beginning, especially. And I just like some people call them god winks. Um I love all that and I I still use it. I don't think I I don't want to say I don't have them as much anymore because I still do, but I think I don't think I need the evidence as much as I did in the beginning. So I I still get them, definitely, but I felt like I was flooded with them in the beginning of all of these little things working out. And it's a really beautiful thing to like point to it and say, like, I see you. I see what you did there.

SPEAKER_05 9:27

Randy. Absolutely.

Netanya 9:30

Um but then you said moving. What was that like for you? Or what was that experience where you needed to move?

SPEAKER_02 9:39

That was, I mean, a lot of that experience was a lot of my friends went to slap me outside of the head. They were so sick of me. Oh my gosh. Thank God for my friends are wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

Um Natanya, we had talked about this a little bit. So you're you're we're up to speed on that before it even happened. But so I met someone in the when we were both using that drugs and alcohol. You know, I I say drugs, my drug of choice was marijuana. For me, marijuana is very much a drug. There is not a Cali sober option for me. It affects me much differently than it affects a lot of other people. So uh we were both using those things. And we just spell hard and fast. If people are familiar with attachment styles, I'm anxious, he is avoidant. That is like fireworks going off. And fireworks are usually your trauma being. So Yeah.

Netanya 10:40

I'm gonna I'm gonna pause that because that's really important. I think a lot of people still don't know that. Um, and I think we're taught, especially in the like Disney princess fairyland stories of our childhood and rom-coms, that fireworks is the way to go and to follow that. And that means he's the one or whatever, or this this is it. And it's often the opposite. It's a signal of this is your wound.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Yes, this is your wound. Absolutely. And those fireworks, gosh, they went off. They went off so hard and fast. It was crazy. It is so much so, and I won't jump too far, but I just want to say this. One of the first things he said was, I'm never getting married and having kids. And five minutes into the date, I thought to myself, I'm gonna marry this guy. You know, that's how delusional the the fireworks were. This that's how much my trauma was being ignited. And and yeah, but I showed up on that, I showed up on that first date as the person that I wanted to be, not the person that I was. So save that for later. Um, and the moving. We had met, we

Listening to Your Higher Power & Trusting the Unknown

SPEAKER_01 11:49

were together, things just weren't working out. We're we're both wonderful people. We are the very best friends to this day. I I love this person with all of my heart. Good person, but we just weren't jive it. Like we were like oil and water, the way I showed love, the way he showed love, not what the other person needed. And then it was just nuts. So gosh, I keep getting off track. Moving. I needed to move. Things weren't working out for the last. It was really obvious. Two years in, my pattern has been two years in. I know it's not working. I stay for another three just to make sure. And that's what I was doing here. We knew it wasn't working out. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to move. There was a lot of coveting the space that I was in. This property had 30-foot hedgerows of hibiscus, verbenum, and honeysuckle. It was a quarter-acre lot in an area called Green Hills. If you know, you know. And one of the last-standing old homes in that neighborhood. I could walk to 12 South neighborhood. It was a pretty awesome spot. And I found myself really coveting this property that wasn't mine. It belonged to my partner and his family. And I just wanted to make it a home. I just had dreams of making it a home. And I kept saying, like, oh, well, the house is big. It's kind of split into two sections. Maybe I just move into the other section and we make it work. But the energy of this person, again, like they're going through their own recovery struggle, but they have very much black cloud energy. And there was nothing like moving to the other side of the house wasn't gonna, wasn't gonna fix that. Like they need to heal that energy. And I'm so in tune with energies I can't be around that or else I'm in constant pain because I'm just feeling it so deeply. So, like they needed to heal, I needed to heal. My energy wasn't great being around their energy. And I kept trying to convince myself I could make it work staying in this house. I'll just rent half, they'll rent half, we'll get rid of the roommate. It's gonna work out. And my friends were like, you need to move. Like, you're nuts. This is not gonna work. You have to move. We officially broke up in January. It was a mutual split, but we officially, officially, but we had been broken up pretty much the last year, faking it. But we officially broke up in January, and this was March. Yeah, the beginning of March. So I knew I had to move. I was trying to convince myself that I was gonna stay there. My friends were going crazy, and I went to this meditation retreat. Thank God for this woman who has taken me under her wing and invited me to these amazing things. And it was a four-day silent meditation retreat. And I learned there how to listen, how my higher power sits in my gut. My higher power is nowhere near my brain. And I need to learn to listen and trust that the answers will come in the moment they are needed and not a second sooner.

SPEAKER_05 14:54

Oh, that's scary.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

That is scary, right? Like so, so intimidating.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

So I go home and I text a friend and say, Hey, do you know of anything for rent in this area of Nashville? And they said, Oh yeah, our niece just moved out of the duplex across the street. So I go over and I meet the landlord, and I've got a very, very large deposit in his hand in cash within 24 hours with the caveat that I do not get my deposit back if I don't move in April 1st. And I'm puking because this is more funny. Like, this is insane. And now I've just lost this money. I'm having a panic attack. I'm on this meditation retreat now, freaking out. Like, what am I gonna do? They're like, just go sit with the space when you go home, maybe do a meditation, see how you feel, tap into your feelings. And so I went. The neighbor was playing techno music so loud that the entire side of my house was rattling. And I have a meltdown. I'm crying, freaking out. This is the worst thing ever, you know. And I just sat with it and I would go to call my landlord one day to tell him I'm bailing and he's keeping my deposit. And I get him on the phone and he's just such a wonderful person. I was like, Can I move in early this weekend? And that's how that call went. And he said, Absolutely, we're so excited you're coming. And he's amazing. The guy next door, after I have that meltdown, first thing he sees me, he comes out, he goes, Hey, I just want to let you know my name's so-and-so. I'm a techno producer. I've been really rocking out since the girl's been gone, but I want you to know that if I get too loud, you just have to let me know. I want you to be so happy here. So all these fears, all this terror has turned into just this sense of peace, like I can never imagine. I'm so happy here. I love my house. I love, I love my place so much. I can't even, I can't even I love that.

Netanya 16:51

Yeah. I wanna, I wanna touch on I had like 16 different things I want to talk about. No, it was so interesting. Um But the first thing I want to say is when you said you will I wrote it down, you will know what you need to know when you need to know it, and not a second sooner. Fuck.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

Yeah.

Netanya 17:11

Because it's there's there's so much in that of like not just surrender, but trust and standing in that space of being on the edge of a cliff in the unknown, and you don't know if there's a net. And like

The Importance of Alignment in Relationships

Netanya 17:32

you don't get to stand 10 feet back from the edge and see the net and then jump. You go to the edge and you take that leap of faith, so to speak. And that is, I have been in different situations for that, you know, over the course of my life. It is it's always, you know, I don't want to say difficult, but like it pushes me a lot. Um, so I love when you said that because I have been in that seat and it doesn't ever like it continues. It's not like you master it and you just get great at it. I do think I've gotten better at sort of closing one eye and being like, okay, we're gonna do this, you know, and just being like, I'm gonna go, even though I don't know what's there. But the inner feeling of the risk taking and the uncertainty of standing in the unknown or on the precipice of something is like nothing else that I've ever experienced because you you don't know. There's that feeling of not being safe. And in not being safe is often where we wanted control.

SPEAKER_05 18:34

Yes.

Netanya 18:34

So we come back to control again.

SPEAKER_04 18:37

Exactly.

Netanya 18:38

So I love that you said that. I also loved that you talked about listening to your higher power because that's something I've had to practice. And it's I think it's different for different people, what that tangibly physically feels like, that experience, uh it can move through you differently. Some people meditate, some people pray, some people ride a bike or go hunting, or you know, there's so many different ways to connect with that. But that finding your way of what does this look like for you? How do you consciously tap into that on purpose? And then when you do get either direct messages or just like calmness or guidance or a feeling that you're gonna be okay or this is the right direction, to again trust that because you're in that same seat of I'm trusting something I can't see.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Yes. I know.

Netanya 19:37

Yeah. And then the other thing I want to touch on was that you I remember this conversation I had with you when we were talking about you were looking for places to move at that time. It was a little bit earlier, I think. Right. Um, because it was in February when I saw you and we had that conversation. And I just remember that one, something we talked about was one of the places you looked at had I think it was a roommate that couldn't didn't stay up late, or like a potential roommate that didn't stay up late. And I just remember we were like hashing it out. You and I were sitting at this table hashing it out, and you were like, but I'm a musician. And so just but but why I want to point that out is that I'm always looking at the ways I'm trying to force things to fit the mold that I think they should be. And in that time we were talking about you wanting to move, you looking like so many things I think about that were good, but this one thing was like really not in alignment at all with your style of life.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

I'm glad you brought that up because it goes it it's exactly what I was talking about earlier, explaining how when I met my ex, yeah, that I was someone who I wanted to be, not who I currently was. And that's that that people pleaser, whatever that is in me, that dreamer, that the person that wasn't yet learning to love themselves. Like I would be better if I just wasn't me, right? That's a big story for a lot of us in recovery. If I was anything but who I am, everything would be great in my life. He'll make that wish. So that was it. It was, I want to go to bed at 10 o'clock at night. I want to get up early in the morning. So this would be a good thing, wouldn't it? Having this roommate where my recording studio is under her head while she sleeps. And she's got a time limit of 10. Like I'd shut down the house for the night at 10 p.m. So, yes, that was that coming up again. And I'm glad we had that conversation because I really had to think about that one. Loved the person, loved the house, loved her dog. Great vibes. It just wasn't in line with what I needed. And I was terrified, you know. Like I said, I'm spending double what I did at my last house for rent. It's totally out of my price range. But I that's another trust then. The peace of mind that I have mentally is worth my entire weekly paycheck. It really is. And I trust that because I'm here and because I'm now in this mindset, I and headspace that the next thing will show up, which again goes back to the it'll happen right when it's supposed to happen and not a second sooner. I'm not dying here. I might be cooking a lot more than eating out these days, which is fine. Um, but it's you know, it it's just a process. But I'm glad you brought that up because it was that was another example of how that popped up that wanting to be something that I'm not currently when when I really need to focus on who I am right now, especially when making big decisions, a partner, uh housing, whatever.

Netanya 22:57

Well, and I literally was talking about this yesterday at coffee with a friend because he was talking about it in the context of relationships. And he was doing his own version of that. And it reminded me of a conversation I had with my former roommate when I lived in Colorado. He was dating someone at the time, or trying on, trying to date someone. And we were I remember him, we're standing in the kitchen, he's telling me about his experiences with her and what's going well and what's not, and he's not sure, you know, weighing all the things of a new, a new potential partner. And I remember saying to him, it's like you're trying to fit her into a mold. And like you, you're trying to pour her in there because you want her to be all the things that you want her to be for all the different reasons, and you're not listening to the things about her, like some of those things fit, but you're not listening to the other things here that don't fit in that mold. Like you're trying to force it into the mold to make it to be what you want it to be, instead of acknowledging this is what it really is. And I've loved that concept for a long time because I think I do it. I think I've done it with people, with jobs, with e situations of all different times, but something is close but not it. And I I think some part of me knows that it's not it, but I so badly want it to be the one or want it to be the time or whatever that I sort of convince myself. And that's been a journey of seeing things for what they are. And I often I won't in the beginning. Like I'll I'll see the fantasy of a thing or the potential of a thing, and then have to step back and be like, okay, which parts of this are true? What's valid here? And which parts of this am I forcing?

SPEAKER_05 24:49

Yes.

Netanya 24:51

All right. Let's talk about relationships.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

Let's talk about them.

Netanya 24:57

We had, you know, you brought up trauma. Did you want to go backwards first, or do we want to talk about more recent things? What feels the most present for you in this moment?

SPEAKER_01 25:07

So I think that we that's a good place to start is is the butterfly effect, right? It's different than the butterfly effect listener may be thinking of. But just going into a relationship and feeling the butterflies, that's what we want. You touched on the Disney princess. These are all the things that we want, but in reality, it's just igniting something in us. So I have either I've had kind of two things. I've had either A, the butterflies, or I've had B, I'm totally not interested in you, but you are so interested in me and you are pursuing me like crazy. And finally I'm like, eh, you're nice enough. I guess you like me so much, you know,

Relationships, Safety and Healing from Past Wounds

SPEAKER_01 25:53

why not? I am a relationship hopper. I'm usually in the relationship until I find the next one, or I have a very short amount of time before I get to the next one. My friend has written a song about me. He's not wrong. Because I just I just fall in love really quickly and I feel I I used to feel really safe in relationships. I, as a young person, was very afraid of unwanted sexual advances from men. I was very, very uncomfortable with that. So having a boyfriend seemed to make it easier to, oh, I have a boyfriend, or here's my boyfriend kind of thing. So that was it was a safety thing for me mentally. Again, just all stories, because we tell ourselves a lot of stories. This whole recovery is just untelling stories. So that's a story. And then also then there was this issue of, oh, I always have a boyfriend, you know, or I'm sorry, if I have a boyfriend, I'll be able to get in the writing room for songwriting with more men because I want to write with more guys, but they usually have girlfriends who have some issue with them collaborating with a girl. So if I have a boyfriend, maybe the girls, so again, story, sorry, sorry. But I I get in these relationships, I stay for two years. It's absolutely not working 10 months to two years in. And then I just stay for another three because I can't handle the emotions of a breakup. And in the first year, I've gone so fast and hard and completely intertwine my life with this person that that untangling, that spider web just feels too big. So I'm forcing to make it work. I'm forcing to make it work. And this idea of, especially with this last guy, if I can just get him to love me in a way that he is incapable of loving, then I will be validated. Then I will be healed. And the trauma with this guy, I really think it like went back to my mom and feeling like growing up, I have an amazing mother. I have an absolutely amazing mother. When I was younger, I felt like my mom was never like really concerned with getting to know who I was and seeing me for who I am. So with this person, the way they were avoidant, it almost felt like if I could get them to love me and see me, that it would heal my mother wound. It took me until recovery to see that, but that's what it really felt like is that it would heal, heal that wound. And and now my mom, again, my mom's amazing, and we're really close today. In my teenage years, that wasn't so much the case. We were really at odds for about 20 years of my life. So, and there's a wound there. There's a wound, even with apologies, even though she and I have have made our amends deeply, uh there's still a wound there. No wound heals overnight. So I've been trying to heal that. And then my dad died when I was 20, tragically. So there's like a missing him, you know, he was amazing, his best dad ever, but just missing him, and he was taken so soon, and then I just wanted to die too. So again, I hated myself. I hated myself, so I needed a man to love me.

Netanya 29:19

Yeah. I love that. I love listening to you because we have very opposite experiences. I um, without going through all of the stories, but like I ended up, I was a doormat and very codependent for a long time. And so after that my marriage ended, I like worked on boundaries so hard that I almost swung too far the other way. And so just this year, earlier this year, really like January, February, I started just being aware that I am closed off, that I like stiff arm men left and right, that I shove them in the friend zone immediately. Um and have wonderful men that are around me all the time, but they're just friends.

Contrasting Experiences in Relationships

Netanya 30:05

And I don't, for all these reasons I make up in my head, I don't go there. And I've been practicing. And I've talked about it in meetings, I've talked about it with friends. I've told like accountability that, like, hey, I'm working on this thing. Um, I've spent more time one-on-one with men to be in that space of just like dialogue and vulnerability and talking. And it's been incredible, but it's like just it's the opposite. I've had to like let people in, right? Because I put up a wall so high. Um, so I'm loving just the juxtaposition of the different things that we do with our wounds. And that there's not a one right way, or they're just different. And what your response is, what anyone's response to trauma is, is yours. And we can find people I think that can relate to us or hear us and talk through that and and find people to share with that have similar experiences and go me too.

SPEAKER_01 31:01

Yep. And that is so much of recovery for me, has just been like, yeah, me too. And and just not being so, what is it, terminally unique. Is that what they say, right? Gosh, I have had a story my whole life that I am so different. So, so different. And that's why A, B, C, D, and E happens to me. And getting into recovery, it's liberating to know. And then with the meditation work that I've been doing on top of that, because that that spiritual journey on top of recovery, which is already a spiritual journey, I have just learned so much about how to how to just like connect and and just be in feeling different, because I think that that's a common thread.

Netanya 31:52

I've also had that. I many people have that for different reasons. Where have you felt the most misunderstood?

SPEAKER_01 32:01

I get so I don't again, I want to stay out of the stories, right? I wanna there's a lot of stories that I have to untell. You know, one of the stories was my dad is the only person that ever knew me. I was exactly like my dad. My dad's gone, nobody gets me. Mom didn't get me. So I yeah, like I remember being told my whole life, I was even as a kid, I was an old soul, as they say. And I would just, these adults, the way they acted was not right. There was just something not right about some adults. And I always was told, like, ah, you know, adults know everything, adults are smart, adults are more well versed on life than you. And then I get older and I'm like, adults are insane, like they're out of their minds. I was so bright.

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Kids, kids have it right, you know. Kids are where the wisdom is, not the adults. There's some life experience. Kids, either little kids or really old people, that's where the that's where the knowledge is, people, and I will die on that hill.

Netanya 33:08

Um, but like grandmother willow. That's where it's at. Let's go into that.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

The wisdom lies. But the lack of connection for me, like a big thing, is something that's been brought up to me. So there's something about how I present, how I show up, maybe the words that come out of my mouth, whatever this combination is of what people see on the outside. That some people have just they they don't vibe with it. Nobody vibes with everybody, but I really in tune energetically, and I'm a people pleaser, and I want people to like me. So when they don't, and I don't know why, again, control, right? I don't understand. And some people have shared with me. One person said to me one day it stuck out, they said, Well, you know, you just seem like you're not afraid of everything, and that's really intimidating. Like, I'm afraid of everything. What are you talking about? I just don't show it. I'm not a big apologizer unless I've done something wrong. I'm not gonna apologize because I was trying to grab the door handle at the same time as you. That's like, I think that we need to chill on apologies as people in general, um, and really focus on apologizing when you mean it, when you're gonna and making change. Like an apology should come with a change in behavior, but that's a whole other podcast. Yeah. Um, so yeah, that's been a big thing is like I feel like I'm not connecting with people and I'm misunderstood. I'm a talker. So sometimes the words that come out don't always match the feeling that I'm trying to portray. So I feel like I could be easily misunderstood. When I was younger, I was so naive, such a naive kid, no understanding for people that didn't get brought up the way I brought up. I thought everybody's parents bought them their first car. I, you know, I think again, I was so I was pretty self-absorbed as a kid and I had a lot of things handed to me. So I didn't have a lot of perspective. So I think, and I also hated myself. People would always say they'd be jealous of me because of these things that I had, but I was like, you know, well, you don't know the other side of the story when you don't get to pick the things you have, and people just give you things, your parents just give you things and tell you you're gonna like this, you're gonna use this, you're gonna do this. Like, it doesn't feel great.

The Power of Stories in Shaping Identity

SPEAKER_01 35:32

I know coming from people that don't have anything, seeing somebody who gets stuff like it looks really great, but it's definitely a grass is always greener kind of thing. There were a lot of things in life that I think working hard for something would have been a more fulfilling experience than just being handed. But that's my grass is always greener, right? It's no matter who you look at, something's gonna be better or worse.

Netanya 35:57

Yeah. I love, I want to touch on the concept of stories for a minute, because it's one of my favorite things just in general. I think even in these conversations when I have them, I try not to go into them too much because of what you're sharing. And while there is value in that, and there's been a lot of learning for me in going backwards, absolutely, I just don't want to stay there because you kind of repeat and perpetuate this thing over and over again as if it's true. And I think um, you know, where we learn stories, where did you learn XYZ thing about yourself? A lot of it comes from either trauma, wounding, our family of origin, where you learned that this was true about you, whatever, whatever the thing is. And then what's been really beautiful is is coming into a state of adulthood. And I said that very vaguely because I don't think there's a particular age for it where you can start to ask that question of who am I from a more empowered level and a more autonomous space than you could when you were 16, right? When you didn't have, you couldn't just make choices for yourself. But to be a full-on adult and ask those questions and to consider what are the stories that I've been carrying with me and functioning as if they were true. Can I lay them out in front of me and see see what they are? And then which of these stories do I want to keep, which are empowering me? Stories aren't necessarily bad. There are some things that I have learned to believe about myself in my life that are very empowering, but many are not. And so, of the ones that are not, what is no longer serving me? How do I let that go and sort of break that piece of yourself off and throw it in the ocean, so to speak? And then from there, who do you want to become? What are the stories you want to now create intentionally and on purpose for yourself that you can practice becoming and literally make yourself into a new person over time on purpose?

SPEAKER_01 38:04

I love that. I love that. That makes me think of uh the meditation practice that I'm using right now, which is called primordial sound meditation. So at the end, so it's a 30 minute twice a day, and for the last three minutes of each meditation, I come out of the sound. So I have a sound that's based on uh Vedic astrology and it's the sound the earth made when I was born. And so I come out of my mantra, as they call it, and for the last three minutes, I start with gratitude. What am I grateful for right now in this moment? And then I ask three questions Who am I? What do I want? And what is my purpose? Or if what is my purpose is too heavy, how can I be of service?

SPEAKER_05 38:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

So I do this twice a day, and at the end of every meditation, I'm asking those questions. And it's so interesting because that's where those positive stories lie, right? That is such a beautiful space for me. And I remember a time when I couldn't answer those questions with something positive about myself. No, sure, but that is such a beautiful space for me. And sometimes, you know what the answer is to who am I? Is just I'm B. Like I am B. That's that's who I am. And I love that answer, right? It doesn't have to be so heady or deep, and and sometimes there's more. There, there's more there. So it it it that just made me think of what you just said. It's it's really nice to be able to tell new stories and tell positive stories, hold on to positive stories. We we have to be careful. We're walking the line of like ego, is this my ego talking in this story again? But there's a lot of really positive stories that just are uh it can really help us uh move more positively in the world, connect more positively and love ourselves, which ultimately having self-love is really important. I mean, for my journey, I hated myself. I have hated myself since I was probably 14 years old. And it took finding recovery at 38 plus a year and a half, plus maybe a little bit longer, to even start tapping into I like myself.

Netanya 40:24

Do you feel like you're moving in that direction pretty solidly?

SPEAKER_01 40:27

Absolutely, absolutely. I definitely like slash love myself now. So I look forward to getting to full full sale love, right? Um, but yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Recovery is such an amazing space. Like I I couldn't love myself because there were so many behaviors, like the lying and the shadiness in general. And you know what? I think that's what some people, all those stories I made up about not fitting in, people can feel energies. And when you're just kind of a shady person, right? Yeah, like maybe that's what they were picking up on. Or maybe my drinking and my drug use was really unattractive because now being on the other side of things, whoa, whoa. Yeah. No judgment, no shade towards people that are using this, that we are all on our own journey. But when I see myself and my actions reflected in people who are currently like in their addiction, I'm like, no wonder those people didn't want to spend more time with me. No wonder those people weren't beating down my door to see if I could hang out. I couldn't even function on that level. Like there was nothing for me to connect with. My idea of I'm awesome is like, look at me. I brought my own bottle

Embracing Authenticity and Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 41:46

with Tito's and I hid it in my clothing, so I got it in this place. Am I not awesome?

Netanya 41:51

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:52

You know.

Netanya 41:55

Well, and I think too, like when you said that before, because you talked about people pleasing, and in that space of the stories of what you want to tell and who do you want to become and creating that, it took me a little bit to separate the version of me that I thought that people wanted me to be, or thought that would like societally that highest version of Natanya according to what everyone else thought. The like false image of what I was trying to be based on other people's expectations, versus um, you know, I wrote a manifesto for a word that I was working on a couple years ago, and the the beginning line of it was literally just one line, and it says, I am not for everyone.

SPEAKER_05 42:40

Uh-huh.

Netanya 42:42

But that's that was I've had to practice getting okay with that sentence.

SPEAKER_05 42:48

Yeah.

Netanya 42:49

That I'm not for everyone, that's okay. And when I do look at that future version of me, and who do you want to become and what are the stories that I want to tell about me, that's sourced in me, in my intuition and wisdom and guidance. And that there are people that will not like that version of me either. You know, and that that's okay. But for me to keep listening and following and navigating my way through the river and trusting that whatever, whoever's meant to keep coming with me on this ride will be there and show up and sign on, and that anyone who isn't will fall away. And all of that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

Not only is it okay, it's our higher power protecting our bandwidth. I'm learning, right? Yeah. When I first came to Nashville, I had a huge resentment towards when I would go to music industry events and certain people at a certain level in the industry would not look at me, acknowledge me, talk to me. I could be in a conversation invited by someone else they knew. And it was like I could not be more invisible to them. This is not how I operate. It was very frustrating. And I just kept thinking, how can I find love in this? Like, how can I find the peace in this? Like, what is what is that? And then I realized, I said, well, you know, there's so many people in the music industry that are trying to get a piece of somebody who's the next level up. If these people were to make themselves vulnerable and connect with everyone and take every phone number and answer every email, they would be so depleted, they could not function. This is a music industry top. So even though I like to think that I can manage boundaries in a way that if somebody wanted to talk to me, I would still look them in the eye and be able to say, like, no, I'm not going to email with you right now. I have a lot going on, but I want you to succeed. And I'm so excited for things to happen for you. Even though I feel like in their position I could, it's always easier to say how you'd act in somebody else's position. And I hope that I get to that point someday that I can be leveled up. And maybe they can't hold that boundary. And they know that about themselves. And so they're just protecting their bandwidth. And I was able, I still don't love it. I still don't love the behavior, but I was able to find a piece of love and acceptance in it because that's that's just what they need for them. And how that relates, just going back to what you said, is like there's so many people in the world. If every single person were to like you and be in your circle that you ever came in contact with, you couldn't function. You'd be paralyzed. It would be impossible. So we have to trust that those, and I think I've heard it said, I forget who had said this to me. I know it's a popular saying, but people who are not in your life are just making room, or people who don't want to be in your life are just making room for someone who does, and someone who sees you, and someone who really gets you. So rather than holding on to that ouch of, wow, that person was really cool. Why don't they like me? Like just know that it doesn't matter. It's fine. You know, they're just doing

Rebirth and Embracing the Divine Feminine

SPEAKER_01 46:20

their own thing and you're vibing on different frequencies. And who knows, that person, I've had plenty of those people come back around and then I'm close with down the road, you know? It's or the people that come in for a season, you know, you're real close to someone and then they're gone and it hurts. It's like it's all life is like this ecosystem. It's like growth and and death and and rebirth. It's it's just again the cycle. Saying everything's a cycle.

Netanya 46:45

Yeah. In rebirth, how are you currently practicing rebirthing? Like this next iteration of B?

SPEAKER_01 46:54

Yeah, that is that's a great question. I mean, just my recovery. My recovery, my meditation practice. I am trying to put myself out there in new ways and really attached to my feminine, right? Because I talked about earlier one of those stories is the fear of the divine feminine. And now I have this joke that I well, it's not a joke, but just I'm in my, you know, Viking warrior goddess era right now.

SPEAKER_03 47:25

Yes!

SPEAKER_01 47:26

You know, I am just embracing this. I am I am going out wearing clothes that make me feel sensual and and powerful and beautiful, and I'm standing taller, I'm holding myself in ways that feel feel beautiful and regal and and powerful to me, and just trying to practice that, and that's all part of the self-love. There's other things that I need to work on. I really would like my exercise routine to look a little different, goes back to the God changes things in God's time, not my time. I just gotta keep moving forward and doing what I can. There's a lot of stories in that. Like I recently looked back at a picture of me when I was 18 years old and I had like abs and was amazing. And I just remembered that 18-year-old thinking she was fat and disgusting. And so there's still some of that body dysmorphia that exists today. But even in a world where like full-figured women are somehow kind of back, you know, in ways, there's still a there's a there's a body style for everyone. Like everybody, you can't look at somebody and know what they're into, but just like learning to love my body and hold space for it has been really, really beautiful and like a rebirth. It's there's still a lot of work to do, like I said, because there's certain things, just even for health. I'm not talking like exercise to be anything other than healthy. Healthier, right? So just constantly working on health and well-being. I've spent so many years putting drugs and alcohol into my system, and now I'm really enjoying finding ways to heal my body. My body feels so much better. I don't have a lot of the issues I was having two and a half years ago.

Netanya 49:09

I love what you said about the divine feminine. I I'm also working on that. You know, when we go back to when I was talking about relationships, that boundary, that big wall that I put up, I have a lot of masculine energy and I can get shit done, you know, and that has served me in many areas of my life, and I'm I'm not apologetic about it. It fuels me, it helps me build things. I love it for many reasons. And at the same time, I realized like I'm missing something. I'm imbalanced in the feminine. I don't think, I don't think I lean into that as much. So part of that like spending time with men isn't just about being around them. It's really about receptivity. And allowing them to be around me, to support me, to give to me, and not needing it to mean that I owe anyone anything.

SPEAKER_01 50:13

Preach. Yes.

Netanya 50:16

And just to observe also that like how many men I'm surrounded by that are wonderful, that want to give to me. Right. And whether it's just the man at the grocery store that opens the door for me, you know, or whatever, who doesn't even know me to friends and family or people in my life or actual men that I would be interested in dating. But that space of allowing and setting down the control in order to trust and surrender. It's all wrapped up together in that divine feminine. It's it feels so and not to abandon my masculine either, but to allow them to coexist and intermingle and I can, you know, move through, we talked about cycles earlier, like the phases in which my body needs to move or my energy needs to move, depending on what I'm doing. So if I'm at work and I'm running an event, I'm gonna be born my masculine. I'm in get shit done mode. And if I'm, but like realizing that that wasn't leaving me when I would come home. I'm home in my apartment making dinner and I'm still in get shit done mode.

SPEAKER_04 51:30

Yeah.

Netanya 51:30

Right. And so to transition into a different phase, both intentionally when I'm alone with myself, but also to notice as I'm now out in the world, where do I want to embody one or the other? And how do I do that more on purpose?

SPEAKER_01 51:46

And what I'm hearing in that too is just balance, right? Life

Navigating Expectations in Dating

SPEAKER_01 51:51

is like the spokes on the wheel. When one's perfectly set, there's another one that's off. Like constantly, there are these things in life, everything. We're just seeking this balance. For me, I get so black and white about things sometimes that it, even though I live in Technical in general, I just still have this black and white thinking. And it goes to stories as well. But when you talked about like allowing, allowing people to do for you, that that is enough. You we are enough. I get in my head with stories again. The stories I've heard from men about, oh, I went on this date with a girl and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and then a steak and a crab cake to go. That story, and then I never heard from her again. That story I have used to fuel like, oh, this person took me out to a nice dinner. I owe them something. Yeah. I'm not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu and steak and crab cakes to go. That is not what I'm doing. Like, and this person asked me out to dinner and wanted to take me out to dinner. That's what we consented to. We consented to a dinner. Like, I don't owe you something. Whether, you know, I but I struggle with that because I it's control again for me. And I, you know, my company is enough. I have to trust that like I'm not using people for to take me. I'm if I go out on a date, I'm not going out on the date, like, oh, how many people can I go out with and get free dinner this week? And not saying that's a problem. I'm just saying that's not what I'm doing. So comparing myself to someone who is doing it's just not serving. It's just a story. It's not so, yes, like it because I already found that. I I went on a date recently and it was very nice. There wasn't chemistry, but it was a very nice time, very nice person. It was good to get out, be in that divine feminine. I was really embracing that side of myself. Just it was a practice, right? It's just a practice, and the person was lovely, and that's it. So, but I um I found myself leaving the date in my head, like, uh, I think this person likes me. They were a little nervous. Maybe I should give them another chance, but maybe I'm not really feeling like the chemistry is there, but I don't know. And then I start thinking about all these ways that I might be like, oh, but they took me out to dinner. And if they take me out to another nice dinner, I might then owe them. And then my brain starts spiraling, spiraling, and then like, stop. This is what you're doing. You don't need to do that. Just being with you and being in your presence, that person had a lovely time with you. You provided a wonderful evening of conversation, good vibes, positive. Here's another thing I learned. Did you I complimented this dude on the date, and he got so giddy, like a little, I was like, do women not compliment men anymore? And I asked my guy friend about this, and he's like, Nope, I do not get compliments on dates. Like, that's weird. Like making an honest observation about this person, like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 55:07

So anyone who's listening to this who doesn't compliment men on dates, you should totally say something nice to them.

Netanya 55:16

I love that. And that, you know, when you go back to that concept of owing someone, I think that's very common. I've heard that across the board, especially from women. Um, but I it goes to me, it reminds me of the concept of keeping score in a relationship. Or if a relationship is transactional, right?

SPEAKER_05 55:36

So true. So true.

Netanya 55:38

And just like you did this and I did that. And I grew up with a lot of that. And um, you know, just observing it in different, different people in my family growing up, and I learned it, right? And so then I can remember being married and being mad because I was carrying more of the weight or doing more of the things, and he doesn't do this isn't 50-50, right? And I had to unlearn a lot of that too, that that's not how this goes. It doesn't feel good to me to keep score and to also not here's the masculine part again, to not jump in to try to rescue, fix, save, control, run the ship, to allow someone to contribute to me. Part of that's my job. I was mad for a long time that I was doing everything and I had created, co-created this parent-child dynamic in my former marriage. And I had to take some ownership of that afterwards in therapy of like, yes, he did these things or didn't do a lot of these things, and I carried a lot of this. But what was my role in enabling, in taking over everything and not trusting him to do anything, not allowing him to help me? You know, it's like, so I sort of built this environment in which I wasn't supported, and then I got so good at it, I'm like, I'm just better at all this, so why would I let anyone else help me? That's not helpful or supportive at all. And but to see it all and to see like what was my role in that, and not to beat myself up for it, but just to be like, oh, I see how I contributed

Setting Boundaries and Teaching Others How to Treat You

Netanya 57:12

by by trying to control everything, that then you don't let anyone help you. And you sort of strip, like especially for men, you you're like taking away the opportunity for them to give to you. If you can't, if you don't need them for anything, if you can't receive anything from them, what are they here for? Like if they you know I mean they can't, you don't even let them contribute. And I didn't.

SPEAKER_01 57:36

You know, I love that you said that because I just had a woman at a meeting who recently said the same thing to me. She said, you know, B, when men want to do something for you and you don't let them, then they just stop doing it. And then you're stuck in this place of wondering, like, oh, why don't they ever do anything for me down the road? Or in in the relationship side of thing, you also touched on, people treat you the way that you teach them they can. I I think it was a week into my recovery that I looked at my ex and I said to him, I said, You cannot speak to me like you speak to me ever again. Ever again. Because for five years I had been in love with this broken, discarded, hurt six-year-old boy. In that relationship, I wanted to hold that child and love him. I literally have a picture of my ex as a six-year-old that used to sit on my mantle. That's how entrenched I was in that story. This sweet boy who had been through what he had been through. I just wanted to love him and tell him how incredible he is because my ex is amazing. He is so amazing. And I wish that he saw himself the way other people saw him and wasn't in denial. He'll tell you he doesn't he doesn't. I wish he did, but it's he is the only one who can heal that six-year-old. Yeah, I can't tell him to heal that six-year-old. And when I do, it just caused him pain and our relationship pain. But the way that he would talk to me and the way he would treat me was so wildly unacceptable. And I would just say, Oh, well, he, you know, he just he's just hurting. He's just, it's a lot of pain. And and I understand, I understand. It was empathy, empathy, empathy. And I'm just so glad. And it took some time because he would still have these moments where he would kind of go off. But when I told him you don't no one speaks, no one should speak to anyone the way you speak to me. It's completely unacceptable.

SPEAKER_05 59:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 59:59

And I stopped. No, it's just it it stopped because I set that, I I said that. But it was getting worse and worse and worse up to that point.

Netanya 1:00:07

Yeah. Well, I think we, you know, I hated for a long time the phrase, you teach people how to treat you, because I didn't understand it. And so I was mad because people treat me like shit. So this is my fault somehow. And I didn't get how to get from point A to point B. And I learned in all of that boundary work that a lot of it is about consequences. Right. So boundaries, it is very easy theoretically to set a boundary, to say something like, you know, don't do this anymore, or I'm not here for this anymore, I'm a no for this, I'm not available for that. But a lot of times the behavior will continue if there's not a consequence attached to the thing that you said.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:49

Right.

Netanya 1:00:49

And a lot of people will say the thing and then not enforce the consequence. And that's why it doesn't change and we'll keep repeating. And so I had to practice what does that look like? And I whether it was in work or in relationships of saying something like, Hey, I'm not available for this thing anymore. And if you keep doing the thing, this is what I'm gonna do, or this is what I'm not gonna do. And then following through on that thing. You know, if you keep calling me at midnight, I'm not gonna answer the phone. You know, like, but people will they'll

Understanding Masculine and Feminine Dynamics

Netanya 1:01:22

say the thing, like, please stop calling me at midnight, but then they'll answer the phone anyway. So you just taught him that you're gonna keep answering the phone if he keeps calling at midnight.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:30

Yeah.

Netanya 1:01:31

Instead of saying, like, I'm not available to talk at midnight, if you want to talk to me, you know, call me in the morning, and then not answering is the consequence. I'm not going to respond.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:40

Yeah.

Netanya 1:01:40

But that took me a long time to get that there had to be an action attached to the consequence. Otherwise, you're just saying words. You're just saying words and not reinforcing anything.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:52

I th that is so true. And I I just want to say something real quick. Just in the odd chance that somebody who does know who my ex is or a family member listens to this, I I just want to touch on a word, the word that I use, this discarded six-year-old. I do want to be very clear that like this child was very loved and like choices were made out of love and safety for this kid. They were not discarded. They um just the result of those, and because of life, and we're all doing the best we can, right? Parents, I I'm not a parent, so I can't even imagine. But because of life and how it happened, this child felt very small. And that wasn't because they weren't loved. So I just in it just a case, and it's like I just want to be very clear, because that word discarded is not super fair without context.

Netanya 1:02:43

Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that. Um and the other thing I wanted to say is because I was I was trying to own before when we were talking about like my role in controlling something and not letting someone help me. And I can also imagine there being many scenarios in which a woman is sitting there and her husband isn't helping and isn't doing anything. And it's like, what do you want me to do? Like, what else do I have to do? He's not gonna get up off the couch, right? Because I have been in that seat as well. And it's not about like it's not about giving him a pass, right? But it is about taking ownership of where can I talk about this? Where can I ask for help? Where can I communicate better? And I've had to learn a lot that like the ways that I would communicate for a long time. After I got divorced, I studied men for about two years, like books and classes and workshops and different things where I was like, oh, we function differently. And me over here whining that I want you to take out the garbage isn't helping. He just hears whining, and none about nothing about that invites him to want to help me.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:50

Right.

Netanya 1:03:51

Right. And so I had to understand I didn't have to. I want to correct myself. I chose to look deeper into what is my role and responsibility so that hopefully in the future I can have different outcomes because I genuinely think that men are wonderful. And it is it everyone? No. Are there bad seeds? Yes. You know? Um, and at the same time, I think a lot of them, just like to you what your point before, don't get compliments. They get berated or critiqued or axed down because they're not doing enough. And I think many of them are trying in a phenomenal number of ways to do more than enough, and we don't register it as such.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:35

Yes.

Netanya 1:04:36

And so it creates a lot of discord.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:40

I think that's a really powerful point you're bringing up. And I'm already thinking, especially to this last relationship, where uh recently he was talking to me and said, you know, I just felt like in our relationship I was being drugged by the ankle so much of the time. And that was not my experience. It just I I wanted this person to see themselves the way I saw them instead of just accepting the fact that they get to choose how they see themselves and how they live their life. The story I was telling is that I wasn't trying to change another person. I was trying to get them to see the greatness in themselves. Well, that's still trying to change someone. That's just changing the story to validate what you're trying to do, right? Change has to come from the person from within. But those what you were saying about the taking out the trash story, there was so much of that where I was just trying to get what I thought were basic needs met in the relationship. But it was being interpreted as beating up on or picking, even when I didn't do it with a nasty tone. But there were certain things like, you know, and I don't know if this is a some some men thing, but you know, saying you're gonna do something, to me, that doesn't mean in six months. To a year. It just doesn't. But if if I say that, they're like, well, I'll get to it, I'll get to it, I'll get to it. You're always nagging, you're always nagging. Like one of the things in our relationship was like, we needed to paint the walls. And they said, if you prime the walls, I will paint the walls. Well, I primed the walls within 24 hours and they sat primed for a solid nine months. And every time I asked, it was, I'm so busy, I'm so busy, I do all this. It's like, well, you like this person worked, and that was their like mechanism for control. Was like, I'm just gonna work all the time. I I have to, I have to. The world and the job will end if I take a break and take care of my own needs. And I'm here just like, no, I know as a fact through my work that if I take care of myself, everything will thrive. Everything will thrive. And sometimes it takes stepping back from the things that I want to do to come back and then be even better than I could imagine. I know that, but I can't I mean trying to relay that message to someone just feels like me beating up on that.

Netanya 1:07:16

Well, and I will, I will, I will say this too for anyone listening and for you if you're interested. The

Learning to Communicate Effectively with Men

Netanya 1:07:21

work that I'm talking about is by a woman named Alison Armstrong.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:24

Okay.

Netanya 1:07:25

And she has different, like, um, the first thing I think I read was a book called The Queen's Code. And it's very simple to digest. So I really like that. And a lot of her stuff she has online courses and short classes and workshops and different stuff that's not super expensive. Um, but it's so I I would I don't say things this boldly that often, but it completely broke and rechanged how I look at men. I love that. Yeah. And it's what was so good about it is that the basis of it is that we treat men like they're a hairy version of us. Right. And they're not.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:05

No, no.

Netanya 1:08:06

And that was mind-blowing to me to be like, oh, so when I say this, this is what I'm thinking, and he reads it this way. Yeah, he heard something totally different. And I so I just spent a lot of time in that space, but it helped me to sort of put the hammer down of I'm right and I'm alone and I'm not getting help and I'm mad about it, and it's just getting worse, and I have to carry all of the weight and all of the baggage, and you're a worthless piece of shit, which is how I felt for a long time. To it completely changed my framework in in my head of how I look at men in general. But also I started to see it. Like when you're listening and reading all the stuff she talks about, I started to see it in other people, in other like a married couple talking in the store. And I'm like, oh, she's trying to say this. And he's trying, they have different goals and they're missing each other and almost like laughing about it, not in a but just seeing it play out of how very different they are internally, functionally, objectively, how they're, you know, we are um multifaceted. There's a word she uses and I can't remember what it is, but we can do several things at once. We we can scan the whole room for things and they are single focus.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:20

Yes.

Netanya 1:09:20

So they have one job and one task, and that is the outcome, and they are just gonna get you to the thing. And so when that's the basis of a lot of what she talks about, but there's so many layers of it, and it's just phenomenal work, and it's just helped me to show up better for all men in my life.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:36

I love that. I'll definitely be looking into that. Say her name one more time.

Netanya 1:09:42

Alison Armstrong.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:44

Okay. Yeah, uh, because they're I just I felt so misunderstood in my last relationship. I have all all these people that meet me in the world, I feel like not all of them, but so many of them see my heart very quickly and understand where I'm coming from. They might not get me completely as a human, but they they see me. And how can I be with this person that I love more than anything in the world for five years pouring my heart into, trying to get them to see me, and they just don't see me. How? Like, how is it possible? In fact, they see someone who is not me, like when they see me. They're really seeing a made-up story of me that they've made up that is not who I am, but it's who I am to them, and I have to understand that and accept that. Gosh, is that frigging hard? I mean, I'm dealing with it now. I'm still in the stages of grief with this relationship. It officially ended in January. This is the first person that I'm friends with after we break up. That's tough being friends with an ex. Glad that they're in my life, love them more than more than anything. But gosh, it's hard. It is so hard because there is still a deep, deep wound

Embracing the Divine Feminine and Personal Growth

SPEAKER_01 1:11:06

there. Because I've been trying to get this person to see me for five years and they just don't. And have you ever had it happen where you tell somebody how you feel about them and they feel the same way about you, and you think that's impossible. Like we couldn't possibly both be feeling that way. That doesn't even make sense, and so much of that. So much of that.

Netanya 1:11:31

Uh all right, last question. Because I could just talk to you for two more hours.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:34

No, we should.

Netanya 1:11:36

Um, if you could give permission to anyone after listening to this episode, what would you give them permission to do?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:46

Gosh, what a question, Natanya. I wish that I had been briefed on that before. I'm one of those things where I'm like, I don't need to give you permission. You just do whatever you want. I'm not the boss of you. Uh yeah, I mean, permission for men and women to discover the divine feminine that lives within them. You know, it's it's in all of us. There's guys, don't be afraid. There's there's something um it it's the yin and the yang. The masculine and the feminine work together in all of us, even the most masculine men. You know, there's a there's a side in there that can that can come out, but just not being afraid. I give you permission to stop telling stories too.

Netanya 1:12:34

I love that. Um the last thing I want to say is I so before I do these episodes, I take notes of whatever the person has told me they want to talk about, if there is anything. Sometimes there's not. And then separately, I pull cards.

unknown 1:12:50

Okay.

Netanya 1:12:50

And I I have many, many Oracle decks, and I pull cards of just what are good topics, and I read the cards and pull words out of them and just things I think we're gonna talk about. And I will often use that as I'm moving through a conversation. If if it turns this way or if I need a new topic or something, I'll pull from that list. And I what I love about this, I don't think this has ever happened, but because we talked about synchronicities, I wanted to say it.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:13

Okay.

Netanya 1:13:14

I have a list of things and almost everything on my list we talked about, and I didn't instigate everything. Literally, the list is um like surrendering attachment, the divine plan, knowing that you're enough, gratitude, um, birthing and creation, and intention and receptivity. And I didn't start those, like, yes, we talked about those, but I didn't start them, which I love. You just took us there, and then we I was like, this one, that one, this one. Uh, but it was just so fun that it was happening in real time as we're talking about synchronicities. So we can we can end on that.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:56

I love it. There's so much, I mean, this this is such a such a big topic, and there's so many ways to go. We could talk for another couple hours about just navigating relationships and recovery and everything. And I'm just glad that you're having these conversations with people so that we can all heal in community as it's it's meant to be, right? And anyone who's not in recovery, I just think there's so much to gain from from listening to your conversations and just hearing other people because we are all so much more alike, right? Like it was same, same, same but different kind of thing. We feel the same. You know what pain is, I know what pain is. The fine details of our pain might be different, but we both know what pain feels like.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:38

And love and joy. So I think it's it's good to get these stories out to the world, and thanks for everything you're you're doing to make that happen.

Netanya 1:14:45

You are welcome, and thank you for saying yes to being a part of it.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:49

Absolutely.

Netanya 1:14:52

Thank you so much for being here. It means more than you know. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating or review wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps more people find the show. If you want more of me, head on over to NataniAllison.com and enter your name and email for behind the scenes updates in between shows. New episodes air every Tuesday. We'll see you next week.