Knocked Down, Not Out: Matt’s Comeback Story

 This episode includes open conversations about suicidal thoughts, emotional abuse, and traumatic brain injury.
If you are struggling, please reach out for support.
In the UK, contact Samaritans on 116 123 or visit samaritans.org. You are not alone. 

What happens when the thing that built your identity — your body, your sport, your fight — is suddenly gone?

This week, we meet Matt, whose story redefines what strength really means. Diagnosed with dyspraxia at six, he pushed through ridicule, coordination challenges, and school labels to build a name in MMA, K1, and boxing. He chased adrenaline, discipline, and control — until one brutal moment in the ring changed everything. A brain injury, white-matter damage on the scan, legs that stopped responding… and a silence that hit harder than any punch.

Then came the harder fight — the one inside his own head. We go deep into the quiet aftermath: the depression, the isolation, the emotional abuse and gaslighting that left him questioning reality itself. Matt opens up about losing touch with family, facing suicidal thoughts, and the night he finally reached breaking point.

But this story isn’t about collapse. It’s about what holds you when everything falls apart — a brother who refused to leave, a father who flew him to Spain to get him safe, and the power of therapy to bring life back into focus. Through EMDR, Matt learned to quiet the noise, ease the flashbacks, and rebuild from the inside out. Slowly, he began to find peace — and love — with Shannon, whose patience and belief helped him rediscover trust, purpose, and hope.

If you think resilience is about roaring comebacks and perfect endings, this conversation will show you another kind: slow courage, honest vulnerability, and tiny, defiant steps toward light. Matt’s journey reminds us that true strength isn’t in the fight — it’s in the recovery.

Stay with us to the end for an unfiltered reflection on masculinity, online hate, validation, and gratitude — and how healing can start with something as simple as laughter around the dinner table.

🎧 If this story moves you, follow, rate, and share the show. It could be the thing that helps someone else believe that healing is still possible.

🔹 Episode Highlights

• Dyspraxia diagnosis at six and the battle to fit in
• Losing his granddad, family fractures, and finding the gym
• Early fight wins, brutal losses, and the moment that changed everything
• The brain injury: white-matter damage, losing mobility, and the mental crash
• Emotional abuse, manipulation, and the quiet terror of gaslighting
• Isolation, despair, and the night suicidal thoughts took over
• The moment that changed it — a father’s rescue flight to Spain
• Discovering EMDR: rewiring trauma, calming the body, finding sleep
• Meeting Shannon, becoming a stepdad, learning love again
• Rebuilding life with dyspraxia and PTSD through patience and teamwork
• Masculinity, validation, and the truth about being “a strong man”
• Gratitude for the small, ordinary moments that prove you’re alive

🩹 Content Note

This episode includes open discussions about brain injury, emotional abuse, and suicidal thoughts.
If you are struggling, please reach out for help.
In the UK, contact Samaritans at 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.
You are not alone.

📢 Short Description (for apps / previews)

When a brain injury ended Matt’s fighting career, everything stopped — his body, his purpose, his identity.
 This is the story of rebuilding from rock bottom: dyspraxia, gaslighting, PTSD, EMDR therapy, and finding love and safety again.

Transcript

unknown: 0:00

It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_02: 0:02

Welcome to another episode of Definitely Not Therapy, where we talk to real people, we get real stories, we have completely unfiltered, raw discussions about life and how it can go completely wrong, how it can fail us, how people can fail us, how we talk about our struggles, our mental health, but how we also pick ourselves back up again and how we make the best of sometimes the worst imaginable situations. Because we only get one life, we get one chance to do this.

unknown: 0:37

It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_02: 0:39

I know there's something niggling in the back of your mind right now, isn't there? Where you're trying to concentrate on this podcast, on this very, very good podcast, this very engaging podcast. But you're thinking, I wish we had a new bathroom, I wish we had a new kitchen, wish we had a new games room. Well, this week's episode of Definitely Not Therapy is sponsored by Bell Trades. We've all been there, haven't we? We've sat there and we thought, right, next job, we'll get the kitchen done. Next job, we'll get the bathroom done. And we just never get around to it. Why do we do that? We just we never get around to it. Do it. Now is the time. Contact Bell Trades and they can help. It might not cost as much as you think. Bell Trades have a very simple philosophy to turn your house into a home that you're proud of. Not where you can think, I wish we had a new bathroom, I wish we had a new kitchen, wish we had a new games room or man cave, wish our bedroom was nice. Bell trades don't need to start from scratch. You don't have to have an entire new room. You might be thinking, I just wish this room was finished. They can look at the room and they can see the potential and they can work with you on it. Bell Trades are specialists in bathrooms, kitchens, and entire renovations. You will not be disappointed. And if you think, oh Dan, I really, really, really want it done. I really want to get that bathroom finished, or I really want to get a new kitchen, but I just haven't got the money. Life's hard at the moment, life's expensive at the moment. But there are some really, really reasonable finance options available. Go check their website, it's www.belltrades.co.uk. Or why don't you check them out on Instagram? It's at bell underscore underscore trades. It's a double underscore. On their Instagram page, they've got some great before and after shots. So you can see the work they do. You can see the quality. And the beauty is they cover the entire South East London as well as Kent. So if you're one of them people, you're sat there, you're in South East London, you're in Kent, you're thinking, oh my bathroom. I don't like going in there because it stresses me out. www.beltrades.co.uk. BellTrades have helped me bring my vision to life. My vision of this podcast, they've helped me by sponsoring. Let them help bring your vision to life in your home. Because home isn't just where you live, it's how you live. Get yourself a quote. What have you got to lose, eh? Anyway, let's get back to the podcast, shall we?

SPEAKER_01: 3:10

It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_02: 3:12

In this episode, I'll be talking to Matt, who at the age of six, he was diagnosed with dyspraxia. And he was told he's never gonna be able to even ride a bike. Now imagine that as a six-year-old child being told you'll never be able to ride a bike again. But that didn't stop Matt. Matt went on, and at the age of 27, he became an MMA fighter. And that didn't he didn't stop there. He didn't stop there. He became pro-level MMA fighter until a severe injury, which left him with brain damage. And Matt was bedridden for over a year. But that's when Matt really struggled with his mental health because he'd lost everything. He'd always been a fighter, he'd fought, being told he had dyspraxia and he won't ride a bike to becoming an MMA fighter at pro level. Can you even imagine the courage that that takes? But then to lose it all because of a brain injury and be bedridden and you can't do anything, and his mental health struggled. And on top of that, he was in an emotionally domestic abusive relationship where he's now got PTSD. He has to deal with PTSD now from that emotional damage that was caused. But Matt's a fighter and he's moved on and he's found love again and he's found someone that's helped him to really turn his life around. And I can't wait for Matt to share his story with us. This is definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_01: 4:57

It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_02: 5:00

Hi Matt. Not bad, mate. Can you hear me?

SPEAKER_04: 5:03

Yes, I can, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 5:04

And can you see me? Yeah, I can yeah. Okay, this is a miracle. This is I've done fifth I think you're my fifteen fifteenth episode, and I finally got it right because every single time it's they either can't see me or can't hear me. How are you?

SPEAKER_04: 5:18

Yeah, I'm good, mate. Thank you. Yeah. This is the first time I've done like a few small podcasts before.

SPEAKER_02: 5:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 5:25

Something on this magnitude. My arsehole's going a little bit.

SPEAKER_02: 5:31

Oh, you'll be fine, mate. You'll be fine.

SPEAKER_04: 5:32

It's uh I'll it's mad because I've boxed in front of three and a half thousand people, had me head kicked in in front of them, and it don't bother me.

SPEAKER_02: 5:40

But this kind of thing is sort of like it's because this is like a real, it's like a you're talking about real stuff, aren't you? Emotions, and when you're in your safe space, which I guess if you're you know in a boxing ring and you're fighting and boxing or MMA, whatever, you're you're comfortable because you've trained to do that. So this for me isn't I'm nervous as well because these things you just they're not scripted, you don't know where they're gonna go. Yeah, it's uh but we'll be fine, it's just two guys having a chat. It'll be alright, don't worry.

SPEAKER_04: 6:10

Do you know what then? I just want to say before we start, we are big fans. Oh nice, appreciate that. We've sent the stepson in the in the bedroom because we can't trust it, it'll be quiet. But he's like, I want to sit.

SPEAKER_01: 6:23

No, it's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 6:27

We've got to make light of things and try and twist hardships into kind of because that's that's the kind of thing I'm trying to get into. Obviously, I've had the career take away everything. I want to get to motivational speaking.

SPEAKER_02: 6:41

Yeah. Incredible, incredible if you can do that. I think the fact if you've had if you've had a a career where you can stand up in front of people, whether that's to speak or to box or to do something, you've got a level of you've got that in you to be able to do it because it's not going to be as as scary.

SPEAKER_04: 6:57

But I'm so you I'm trying to twist it. I'm trying to twist the negative, which obviously we'll dive into more, the negative into a positive.

SPEAKER_02: 7:07

Yeah, well, that's good. I think you know, I'm I've with my content throughout my social media career, whatever you want to call it, has always been to look at a situation and turn it into a different situation. That's that's my whole thought process, is even if it's something you might I'm like a people watcher, so I watch people, and that's where I get a lot of my inspiration from. And I'll see something, it might be a video, it might be someone out in the street, and it would just be a normal situation. But my brain would will go, Oh, but hang on, but what about if he did that instead of that? And then I'll take that situation, take it to my own relationship, which you know is probably a mistake looking back now, obviously. But you know, it was But do you know what, mate?

SPEAKER_04: 7:48

You could I I've said this to you before when we spoke before, not all heroes wear capes. Now that's down to the other person not seeing that. Yeah, that's not down to you.

SPEAKER_02: 7:58

I agree.

SPEAKER_04: 8:00

But the first time I met I met you in blue all time, yeah, outside Primark. Yes, you looked stressed as hell, and you was you was with Lucy and you looked stressed as hell, right? Now, I see you now. Your shoulders are down, yeah. Like, mate, do you know what sometimes hardships are a blessing?

SPEAKER_02: 8:20

Yeah, I I think you know, look looking back, it's it's it's a difficult one because it's I wouldn't have wanted to be in the situation I'm in, but then when you sort of see certain other things happen and play out, and you're like, okay, you know, maybe maybe this was for the best, maybe we weren't each other's person, and that's hard to that's what I've struggled to to deal with because I think I I know I know for myself, and this isn't a sort of a dig at any of my previous exes to that, but with Lucy was the first time I'd ever been my my true self. Like my I could be myself, I could be that idiot, and it was celebrated, it was encouraged. Like so, I think that's that's the hardest thing for me is knowing that I got to the age of like 35 and I never had that in my life. I never had someone that that believed in me, and then I did have someone that believed in me, and I fucking loved it. It was like, look what I could achieve. I was getting millions of views, I was all these silly ideas from my head, and we was reaching millions of views, we're getting flown around the world, we were doing this, was meeting celebrities, and then that's taken away, and it's like now I've got no one that believes in me. That's the hard thing.

SPEAKER_04: 9:33

So, but but the thing the thing is then, it's probably not the person you want, but you've got millions of people that believe in you.

SPEAKER_02: 9:42

Yeah, it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

SPEAKER_04: 9:44

No, it don't, but you know what? Hate is hate, and you know what? And that's and I've had it where do you know what? If someone's hating on me, I'm doing something right.

SPEAKER_02: 9:53

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they're still noticing you. Like, I this this is gonna sound really arrogant, and I'm not an arrogant person by any means, like, and hopefully, even if we've met, you'd know I'm not an arrogant person, but no, because I just don't I just know that I don't come across like that. But if I say something like this, it will sound arrogant, and it's it's kind of like someone will send me a hate message, and I'll just be like, and but from my point of view, like they're watching my video, they're commenting, they're going out of their way. That person's not even on my fucking radar. I don't know who they are, like, and I don't mean that arrogantly.

SPEAKER_04: 10:28

I don't, but it's like no, but Dan, you've got to be like that because you've got you've got you've got a fit, you you have obviously you've got a thick skin anyway, yeah. But your skin's got and you've got to protect yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 10:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 10:40

So you you've you've you've got to you've got to think like that. Like, especially in the line of business where you're at, you've got you've got to you've got to go, I'll tell you you're not even on my level, mate, go away.

SPEAKER_02: 10:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 10:52

Like, do one.

SPEAKER_02: 10:54

Yeah. Yeah. But it's hard to do, it is hard to do sometimes. I think when you're in a state of being feeling vulnerable and feeling low, it's it's you you reach for me. I'll go on my socials and I'll look for those nice comments because I want to I need to feel validated. But the problem is to find them, you you you have you see it. You see it, and even if there's one in a hundred and I'm looking through the comments and there's one negative, yeah, that'll be the one that will stand out because I'm in that frame of mind at that time. Yeah, uh, but uh you know, I'm much better with it now, and I I used to not care at all what people think. Like I just when you put an emotional, it really raw version of yourself out there and then you keep doing it, not so much sometimes it's because I need it, sometimes it's because that's my some something might have happened behind closed doors because there's millions of things that I can't say, and everyone's like, Oh, you put you say too much online. Trust me, I don't say too much online. If I said what I needed to sound line, a lot would be said, but I don't, but sometimes I need to vent and I shouldn't use my socials, but that's what that's my life. I go to that and and something might have happened, and then I'll rebrand that and put that out.

SPEAKER_04: 12:11

Everyone has my own everyone has their own way down. Yeah, me. We'll we'll dive more into this stuff later, but I've I sent you the picture this morning. That's my I'll I'll go and walk down that Thames.

SPEAKER_00: 12:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 12:27

Like, and I'll just go right switch off. I'm doing EMDR at the moment.

SPEAKER_02: 12:32

You're doing what, sorry?

SPEAKER_04: 12:33

EMDR. What's that? So a lot of servicemen use it. Yeah it's it helps reprocess trauma.

SPEAKER_02: 12:45

Oh, so it's like a type of therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 12:47

Yes, it's it's it's a therapy, yeah. So it's to do with like touching uh your eyes and what it is with uh PTSD, because I've got we'll again we'll go into that later. PTSD comes from a trauma which is a process property.

SPEAKER_03: 13:04

Right, okay.

SPEAKER_04: 13:06

Yeah, so so the EMDR helps to reprocess that. Yeah, but it's not like a hypnotherapy, mate. Mate, honestly, I done it last week and it blew my mind.

SPEAKER_02: 13:19

So is that the first time you done it last week?

SPEAKER_04: 13:21

No, I've done it four times now. So so there's like five steps.

SPEAKER_03: 13:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 13:27

I'm on the fourth this week. But the safe place was quite quite, it was about putting things in a box, locking the box, yeah, grounding yourself, and then it prepares you for the reprocess, which then make you close your eyes, you're doing your breath, you'll see you're literally seeing things.

SPEAKER_03: 13:46

Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 13:48

And like nightmares, things like that. But and then it reprocesses and the dream turns around. And with me, when it when the dream processed, reprocessed, I was on the cloud and I was on the air, and it was reaching me up to a ground, like ground level instead of being down that hole.

SPEAKER_02: 14:08

That's incredible.

SPEAKER_04: 14:10

It is crazy then.

SPEAKER_02: 14:11

I might have to look into that.

SPEAKER_04: 14:13

Yeah, yeah, look look into it, mate, because honestly, uh obviously it works for different people, but yeah, yeah, it's all about touching, like you're tapping your skin, like the more harder things are, the quicker the taps are, the more softer, the more positive, the taps are slower. Okay, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02: 14:31

I'm gonna I'll look into that. I'm gonna look into that later because that sounds something that actually might help me to be fair. Is there anything that you don't want to talk about? Is there anything you're not comfortable talking about?

SPEAKER_04: 14:40

I'm a I'm an open book.

SPEAKER_02: 14:42

Do you know what? Every single person that's come on, every single person that's come on and said the same thing, they're an open book. And and I think you've got to be that type of person to want to come and do this type of thing, to be fair.

SPEAKER_04: 14:52

So the thing, like I said to you, I'll if my story helps just one person, my job's done.

SPEAKER_02: 15:00

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the way I look at it. I think when I post, I still post stuff that is, you know, can sometimes be emotional, and sometimes it's because I need to vent, but sometimes it's just because of the if people saw the DMs that I receive, and but people are really going through stuff and where they just say they just say thank you, men just saying thank you for just even women. I get so many messages from women that are like thank you for speaking up and just speaking out and just being like a real like I don't know, I don't know, not real man, I don't think they use those terms because I think we're still in that people think a real man is you've got to be like go out to work, or yeah, you've got to be like that. Like a but I don't know, you know. I just think it's it's nice that I get that support from men and women, and that's why I do it, but sometimes you you do just get that one comment on that one DM, and it's like, do you know what's worth it? It's worth it because that that person doesn't feel alone.

SPEAKER_04: 15:53

We we was going through the same thing at the same time, mate.

SPEAKER_01: 15:56

Okay, it's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 15:59

If you it's it's a typical scenario, if you if you better yourself by one percent every day, by the end of the year you'll better yourself by 365%.

SPEAKER_02: 16:10

Yeah, well, I like that.

SPEAKER_04: 16:12

I'm gonna use that quite you know what when I was going through the hardships, and to be honest, I probably still am going through the hardships, not probably as as bad, but we'll go through something hard somewhere.

SPEAKER_02: 16:26

Yeah, that's it. And I think when you have, you know, when you have things and you're diagnosed with things or you have you know PTSD from something, it's something you can't just switch that off. That's you have to deal with that and manage that on a daily basis. But let's start with with let's start with your story where it started, Matt, at the beginning. So childhood for you, sort of leading up to the age of six, because you you at the age of six, I believe, was diagnosed with dyspraxia. So what what was childhood like before that for you leading up to it?

SPEAKER_04: 16:54

Loving family, uh, my mum, my dad, my sister. Uh I was I was never a normal kid then. I was always a little bit different.

SPEAKER_02: 17:05

Okay, in what res in what respect? Socially. Okay, what didn't fit in? Didn't feel like you fitted in.

SPEAKER_04: 17:11

I I didn't I did it was a bit it's a bit weird one, because I did, but I didn't.

SPEAKER_02: 17:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 17:17

It's I think I did, but in my head I didn't.

SPEAKER_02: 17:21

Okay, so what you was like basically putting on a mask to try and fit in, or you did fit you really did fit in, but you didn't feel like you fitted in.

SPEAKER_04: 17:28

That's the one, yeah. Like I like I've got I've got hundreds of friends, but uh it's still in my head going like why am I weird?

SPEAKER_00: 17:37

Right, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 17:38

You know what I mean? Like it's it was it was one of them ones. And then school life, I really I really struggled. I really like academically, I found things really hard. Things that the children wouldn't really struggle with, I did. And then my mum went, something's not right, something's not. So you went to an occupational therapist, went through loads of tests, found out I've got dyspraxia, which I've been told lately they changed the name to DSP.

SPEAKER_02: 18:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 18:13

Um yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 18:16

For anyone that doesn't know what dyspraxia is, because I'll be honest, I d I I'm not fully aware, I'm not fully educated on what it is. So what is dyspraxia or dsp?

SPEAKER_04: 18:27

Dyspraxia is hand-eye coordination, it's it's not very good.

SPEAKER_03: 18:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 18:33

Back in the old days, they used to call it clumsy syndrome. To be honest, Dan, I would have been good on your content falling over everywhere because that's what I keep doing. I shouldn't laugh. But yeah, I went past I went past the coffee table the other day, stubbed my toe and broke my toe. Like I'm I'm I'm just a walking nightmare. Yeah. Uh and then really I've just lived with that for the rest of my life, really.

SPEAKER_02: 19:01

Okay. So how did that hold you back when you were six and you were told that and it was explained to you? How did that make you feel? Do you remember?

SPEAKER_04: 19:09

Not really, I it was sort of like, okay. Okay, but to be honest, then I've always had that flat mentality. I've always had you told me you can't do so I can't do something, watch me.

SPEAKER_00: 19:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 19:28

It's it's it's sort of I'm sort of like that. I'm like that every day. Every day of the week. I've been told you can't do this. Watch me.

SPEAKER_02: 19:41

It gives you that fire, it gives you that fire to one or three people wrong.

SPEAKER_04: 19:45

Yeah, like I've got I've I've got a cherry walk this weekend. Obviously a bit later I will we'll go through that, but that's a big step for me. Walking eleven miles for a boxing carry. Yeah, it's a big step for me. Like my family was like, You can't do it.

SPEAKER_02: 20:07

So you've always had that drive. So did that so that started. So when you were told then at the age of six that you had DSP, was it a case of in your mind, did it then make sense? Were you like, oh maybe this is why I feel like I don't fit in? Would did it answer any questions for you?

SPEAKER_04: 20:21

Yeah, it did, yeah, it did. It answered a lot. But I wouldn't let I wouldn't let that define the reasons why I can't do things. No when sort of like people will go, I can't do this because I got that.

SPEAKER_02: 20:38

So is it a case then that you couldn't, like say for instance, you were told you couldn't you wouldn't be able to ride a bike because of the the coordination? Did you did it mean you just was like, well then watch me, I'll get on a bike and I'll just keep practicing and keep practicing. Is it a case that you can practice and and with like muscle memory and movements, you can actually think, yeah, I could you know what I can do it?

SPEAKER_04: 20:58

Yeah, 100%. It just takes me a little bit longer. Okay. That's what like when people say that, and I've I I've spoken to a few people with DSP that I can't do this because of that. Come on, we'll do it together.

SPEAKER_02: 21:14

Let's go and do it. Well that's well that's inspirational though.

SPEAKER_04: 21:17

Like even like down to cutting food down, I didn't really get yeah, I really struggled cutting my food till I was about 14 And then I got I got I got the knack of it.

SPEAKER_02: 21:29

Yeah, just took you just took you a bit longer.

SPEAKER_04: 21:32

Yeah, yeah. Like to tie a shoelaces, I was 17 before I'd be able to do a shoelace.

SPEAKER_02: 21:37

So I guess like the fact that you did feel felt like you didn't fit it fit in, but even though you were then probably given this diagnosis, it probably still made you feel even more like you didn't fit in because you couldn't do things that your friends were doing.

SPEAKER_04: 21:51

I've always felt inadequate then.

SPEAKER_02: 21:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 21:54

I I've I've always felt that I'm not good enough.

SPEAKER_02: 21:58

Well, even from a young age, even from a as a child.

SPEAKER_04: 22:02

Yeah, and obviously later down the line, which we which we'll go into the story a bit later. The devil was knocking on me door then. That's not like it all come on top.

SPEAKER_02: 22:16

Really?

SPEAKER_04: 22:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 22:19

So when was the sort of mental health an issue for because because even how old are you now? You're is it 36 that you are now? So I guess even when because I'm only for I'm 41, so we're not too dissimilar in age, but we didn't really talk about when we were younger, we didn't talk talk about mental health. We didn't know it was it was just like pick yourself up and get on with it type thing.

SPEAKER_04: 22:39

Yeah, yeah. And it it's only been the last probably seven years, eight years that men men's mental health is taken aside. I I I remember I I sort of hit the floor about that time. My old man is a like we were talking before, he was he's a man's man, big fella. And I was I was on my backside a little bit, and you went, get up and push mate. I lost my head. I I wanted to fight everyone.

SPEAKER_02: 23:12

Like that didn't drive you, that just made you angry.

SPEAKER_04: 23:16

It just had the opposite effect. Like, but obviously, my my dad's gone through some struggles, and now he's gone, shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02: 23:26

But the thing is, it's not his fault. The thing is, he's a product of what like I've spoken about this on previous episodes. That that that that basically we we're in a difficult era, I think, as not era, I think generation, because the older generation, which is like your dad, which is my dad's the same, you just sort of get on with it, and his dad was the same. So he would have learnt from his dad, and he would have learned from his dad, and we're we've learned from our dads, but actually now we can't we're not allowed to be like that. We can't like I was ruled, I don't want to say with fear, but there was a fear of that. Like I had really love loving parents, I've got really loving parents, really, really caring. But equally, if I was a little bit mouthy to my mum, then she would say, Right, wait till your dad comes home. And then I'd be like, oh fuck, I've fucked it. I've fucked it now. I've gone, I shouldn't have done that. But you can't do that now, because if you say to if my ex was to say to Harper, you know, well, wait till daddy gets home, she'll be like, Brilliant, can't wait for daddy to come home because it'll give me a big cuddle and it'll just give me all the love. I will, of course I will. It's different. So we're now having to learn a completely new and and the pressure's on because then we've got to teach our our little ones how to parent as well. It's it's a lot of pressure on us, and I don't think people that that I think that plays a big part when you sort of sit and think about it. I think it plays a big part in our mental health because we're we're we're just a comp we're coming from we're not allowed to use what we've been taught, and we've got the pressure of making sure we also we've no tools and no, we've just got to learn as we go, we've got to be this new modern dad of like being emotional and and also make sure that we don't mess our kids up because we've got to teach them how to parent when they're older, and it's just a mindfield, isn't it? Really?

SPEAKER_04: 25:12

It is like I've I'm I'm I'm a stepdad to a seven-year-old. Never been a dad before. I'm I'm sort of taking it in my stride, really. Like I'm a mate. I'm a pal.

SPEAKER_02: 25:30

I think that's the best thing you can be.

SPEAKER_04: 25:33

Like we we fight like cat and dog, we argue probably twice two or three times a day, yeah. But he knows if she hit the fan Big Matt's coming. Like I I love him like that.

SPEAKER_00: 25:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 25:52

But also we've got to have that barrier, is I can't ever take his dad's place.

SPEAKER_02: 25:57

Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, that that's a that's a it's a trip, it's a tricky subject for me to to talk about right now. But I think yeah, for for for it's yeah, it's it's a that it's a tough one. I think you're you're doing obviously a great a great job, and and ultimately kids, it's not their fault, they're with someone that's you know them their their parent is them, you know, they move on and then with someone new, and then that's that's that's life, isn't it? That's life, but yeah, I think that's one of my biggest fears is someone trying to take over. And I know it's silly, it's so silly to think it, but my fear is someone taking up trying to take over, like being a dad, and having that time like having time with with my little one that is my time, like I look at it as my it's my time, it's my child, and then I'm then on the outskirts having to watch my family do other stuff with someone else. It's just like but different people have different processes, and and perhaps for me that's part of it I haven't processed yet, and that will come in time, but right now it's it's a it's a it's a tough one. But that's good that he knows that you're there no matter what. That's that's that's yeah, that's the best you can do, really, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04: 27:09

Yeah, he empties my wallet every month, don't he?

SPEAKER_02: 27:12

They all do that, mate. They all do that.

SPEAKER_04: 27:17

So yeah. Okay that's really from five to six, really.

SPEAKER_02: 27:22

So going back then to from jump from the age of six, you know, dyspraxia DSP to being a teenager, only just learning how to tie your shoelaces, to the age of 26 when you decided that you're gonna become an MMA fighter.

SPEAKER_04: 27:40

Yeah, that that was a bit crazy doing the problem with this. Um, right, so uh yeah, through my teenage years, I had quite a bit of trauma as you know family issues. Lost lost my granddad. He was like my best mate. He was he was out he was he was a man's man, but he was quite comical as well. We don't load together, we don't have everything together. And I lost him, which I found really traumatic.

SPEAKER_02: 28:10

Yeah. I can relate to that by the way. I because I lost my granddad and I was so I was so close to my granddad, probably a slightly similar generation, but and it was it it hit me and I didn't realise it it had hit me until a long time after, but but yeah, I can relate to that.

SPEAKER_04: 28:28

Yeah. And then then my family split right. But again, like I'll I've said to you before, it it twisted from a negative to a positive.

SPEAKER_02: 28:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 28:42

I found it very traumatic.

SPEAKER_02: 28:44

What age were you when this happened, sorry?

SPEAKER_04: 28:47

I was about 18? No, about 17. I was about seventeen.

SPEAKER_02: 28:52

What is this when your granddad died or when your family split? Or was it all at the same time?

SPEAKER_04: 28:58

So it was about it was I found out probably a few months different.

SPEAKER_00: 29:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 29:04

I got a little brother out of it though.

SPEAKER_00: 29:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 29:08

And he was my and he still is, he is my best friend. Like later down the line in the story, it it shows that he he's 20 years old and he's absolutely amazing. He blows my mind every day.

SPEAKER_02: 29:28

So this was so basically what your so your parents had split and then you then got a brother from shall we say there were it was the reason why they split. Right, okay. Right.

SPEAKER_04: 29:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 29:42

So that's really is then getting a positive out of a negative, then.

SPEAKER_04: 29:47

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah, I I still see him every week. He lives not far from here, but it's a bit of a track where I live and where he lives. Yeah. He's is absolutely amazing. From then I sort of I didn't realise I was depressed then.

SPEAKER_02: 30:12

Do you think it was the the trauma of losing your granddad and your parents splitting up and even though a positive come from it, you may not have felt that at the time because yeah, well the the thing the thing I what I am done, I'm a butler.

SPEAKER_04: 30:28

I'll but I'll bottle things up and I'll shake that Coke bottle and put uh put a mentose in it.

SPEAKER_02: 30:36

And then it will explode and it'll be a mess.

SPEAKER_04: 30:38

When it explodes, it explodes, yeah. And I think I didn't realise I I was a butler. I didn't I weren't really in touch with my emotions then. Which then led to like me finding a event which was playing rugby.

SPEAKER_00: 31:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 31:00

I was I was playing rugby for old dark audience. I was okay, I was okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 31:09

I wasn't the best, but is it was that the DSP did the DSP sort of hold you back at all in that, or was it more just give you the determination to do it?

SPEAKER_04: 31:18

Also, I found it very clicky. I found it if your face don't fit, then you're not you're not gonna do as well with what you want to as in team selection and right, okay. And whatever else. So I was so I got I got fed up with it. I got I got right up with it.

SPEAKER_02: 31:39

Because you just wanted to play, you just wanted to play, you found a something that you love doing, and then you you felt like you were being sort of ostracised.

SPEAKER_04: 31:47

Yeah, yeah. So one one of my friends back then, oh there was the MMA event going on in in London, and I went to my mate, should we go? So yeah, alright then. So I watched it, I was watching it, and I I I I nudged him, and I went, one day I'm gonna fight you. It was at the truck seat. Yeah, I went one day I'm gonna fight you.

SPEAKER_02: 32:14

How old were you when you went to see that MMA fight?

SPEAKER_04: 32:19

23, 24?

SPEAKER_02: 32:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 32:24

Yeah, right. Yeah, I'll say that, you know, like you've had a couple of beers, haven't you? It was just sort of like that, really.

SPEAKER_02: 32:33

And um that's how I ended up on a comedy stage with bottling it because I saw comedy and I'd had a couple of beers. I was like, I can do I'm funny, I can do that. And then you but you can't, I can't do that. I could just as it turns out, but anyway, carry on.

SPEAKER_04: 32:47

But no, you you are actually the end, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, so I I went back, found a gym. Again, the fractured DSP held me back a lot. I trained for three years.

SPEAKER_02: 33:05

Wow, that's a long time.

SPEAKER_04: 33:08

Yeah, didn't have a fight. Didn't I just went and got up, slept, uh, trained. Got up, slept, trained.

SPEAKER_02: 33:16

So was your goal that was it? Your goal was that you knew you wanted to have an MMA fight. That was your goal, that was what you were gonna do, whether it took you six months or three years.

SPEAKER_04: 33:25

Oh, my first thought was fitness. Okay, I wanted to, I I wanted to get fit, and I know boxing, martial arts does get you very fit. Yeah, and then my coach, and I'm still good friends with him now, Scott Stribling. He I'll train for three years. He went, You ready, boy? I went, You ready for what? He went fight. Alright. So I got in there, bam, I was a mess. I was shitting myself. It was in Colchester the first fight.

SPEAKER_02: 34:03

So this was a proper fight. This wasn't a sp this wasn't a sparring or a practice, this was you was in the ring, it was fight night, there was people watching.

SPEAKER_04: 34:11

It was televised.

SPEAKER_02: 34:12

You did your first fight, was a televised fight, mental behaviour.

SPEAKER_04: 34:20

Yeah, and my I remember my coach we got in the covenant map. This guy's just got out of prison on GPH.

SPEAKER_02: 34:28

Brilliant. Thanks for telling me that.

SPEAKER_04: 34:30

But do you know do you know what, Dan? I think it was I don't think he actually did. I think he my coach was trying to get me revved up. A little bit of fear.

SPEAKER_02: 34:43

That's quite smart, yeah. A bit of fear, but also a little bit of you won't feel sorry for this guy because you you think, well, if he's done that, then I don't I'm gonna go for him. You need to have that mentality. That's maybe quite that's potentially really smart from your coach.

SPEAKER_04: 34:58

Um went in there and absolutely demolished the fellow in three rounds.

SPEAKER_02: 35:05

Is that fight still available to watch?

SPEAKER_04: 35:09

I don't know. I'll try and find footage of you for you somewhere, Dan.

SPEAKER_02: 35:12

Alright, send me a link. Send me a link or send me some footage. I'll be interested to see it. I won't use I won't use it if you don't want me to, but I would like to see it myself.

SPEAKER_01: 35:20

It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 35:22

Um, do you know what? That's that was better than a bunker. That feeling was better than a bunker. I got addicted straight away.

SPEAKER_03: 35:33

Wow. I mean that's quite a statement.

SPEAKER_04: 35:36

I had I had a medal around my big medal around my chest and walked out like I was Jack the lad. Do you know what I mean? Like, and then we had a big party afterwards, of course, and I didn't I actually felt accepted. I felt I found something.

SPEAKER_00: 35:55

Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 35:56

I found something that I'm accepted, I'm good at. And so I went, right, Scott, when's the next one? Let's go.

SPEAKER_02: 36:02

You was on it then. You was on it, you'd done that, you you'd felt that that euphoria, I guess, and then you was like, I want more of it. I'm ready for this now.

SPEAKER_04: 36:10

Yeah. So, but this bit relays back onto what earlier on in the story. So Scott went, there's nothing really at the minute, Matt. He went, right, so he went, Matt, tomorrow night. He went, this was about six weeks later. Tomorrow night, there's a fight at the Trotsky. He went, and I've put you in. I was like, sorry, what?

SPEAKER_02: 36:39

It's quite short notice. Uh you've been training through that six weeks or however long.

SPEAKER_04: 36:43

Yeah, no, I was I was I was yeah, I was still fit. I was still fit. But this one wasn't MMA, this was K1. So if you don't know about K1, K1 is like Mighty, but you're only allowed to strike once in that bench. So when you hold the back of the head, you're only allowed to strike once.

SPEAKER_03: 36:59

Right, okay.

SPEAKER_04: 37:00

Got to let go. But this is what I said to my mum, mate, uh four years ago. I'm gonna fight here one day. So I got there and I sat in that exact seat before everyone got in there. I sat in that exact seat, and I cried my eyes out.

SPEAKER_02: 37:18

Well, what a moment though.

SPEAKER_04: 37:21

I I I cried my eyes out.

SPEAKER_02: 37:23

I don't blame you, mate.

SPEAKER_04: 37:24

So the time come, wrapping my hands, got in there, smashing them again. So I'm like, okay, we're gonna start taking this a bit further. And then I started losing.

SPEAKER_03: 37:39

Right.

SPEAKER_04: 37:40

I got knocked out three or four times.

SPEAKER_02: 37:43

Would did you do you think were you prepared to to get knocked out? What did you did you because you probably you don't assume that's gonna happen, especially if you're coming off the back of winning two fights and from what it sounds like winning two fights fairly easily, it's like how do you then cope with the high of winning and and and to the low of losing and getting knocked out?

SPEAKER_04: 38:07

Well I was on there is coverage of this, and I'll send a link to you. I don't want it on here.

SPEAKER_02: 38:14

No, no, of course.

SPEAKER_04: 38:16

But yeah, yeah, there's there is a there's a link to this one. I'll send you. Yeah, I was I never felt so low. I was on my back side. Literally. Then I went on like a losing streak, a three or four fight losing streak, being knocked out every single time.

SPEAKER_03: 38:41

Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 38:43

But look, in a us us boxers say when you when your draw goes once, it always goes. But I won't take it at for note. That's my smart fight existing. So well, alright.

SPEAKER_02: 38:57

I was waiting for you to say this.

SPEAKER_04: 38:58

I'm gonna go again, I'm gonna go again, I'm gonna go again. That's what I've been getting uh up to 2021 for my last fight.

SPEAKER_02: 39:07

So how long were you doing it? So when was your so when was your first fight?

SPEAKER_04: 39:12

Oh I don't remember the dates off the top of my head, don't they probably?

SPEAKER_02: 39:16

But roughly what was it? How how long were you fighting for? How many years?

SPEAKER_04: 39:21

Oh, it was about 18 years in the end.

SPEAKER_02: 39:24

Oh, you so you did MMA for 18 years?

SPEAKER_04: 39:28

Uh no, I've done MMA K1 White I boxed it.

SPEAKER_02: 39:33

Wow, okay, fair enough. I didn't realise, I didn't realise it was that it was so so long that you were doing it for.

SPEAKER_04: 39:41

Yeah. Yeah. So after that first loss, the reason why I lost, I knew why I lost, is because I had crack boxed in, crack kickboxing. So I went back to the gym, practiced that. So I've done that, I'm gonna rematch you again. You knocked me out again.

SPEAKER_02: 40:01

Same guy.

SPEAKER_04: 40:03

Same guy. So I was like, right, everybody's not for me now. So I'm gonna go into Muay Thai.

SPEAKER_03: 40:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 40:10

Had a good few fights with Muay Thai, won some, lost some. Not really a lot, not any of them moments really out shone for me.

SPEAKER_03: 40:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 40:21

I was just tunnel visioned trying to write them wrongs.

SPEAKER_00: 40:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 40:29

And then my coach went, thanks for your boxing fight. Yeah, got him on him. He went into boxing. Which then leads to the next highlight of my career highlight of my life. In 2021, I had a boxing fight. I got hit three times out of the whole fight then.

SPEAKER_03: 40:49

Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 40:50

I got hit three times throughout the whole fight. That's impressive. In the second round, he hit me, he hit me, and my legs weren't working. My legs my legs felt heavy. Like I couldn't get in and out. I couldn't throw the shots and get out. I couldn't something's not right. So I went back to the corner and went, thanks, but right, I went, right, we're pulling you, we're pulling you out. I went, no, you're not. I won the fight. So I went back to work the next few days later. I was walking through a warehouse and my legs just went bang, couldn't move.

SPEAKER_01: 41:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 41:32

I just couldn't move. Went to hospital. Had a brain scan, they found 30 white spots on my brain.

SPEAKER_02: 41:44

Christ.

SPEAKER_04: 41:45

Four small small vessels disease of the brain. So basically it's where the vessels, it's very, very early stages of like dementia.

SPEAKER_03: 41:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 41:58

And was that did that happen because of did that happen? Did that happen because of the fight? What of that fight or over the years?

SPEAKER_04: 42:08

Over time, just over time. I was bedridden for about a year. I couldn't get out of bed. Literally, the real the only way I could get out of bed was with a walking frame.

SPEAKER_05: 42:19

Jesus.

SPEAKER_04: 42:22

When the reason why I can walk today is just hard work, but I'm also on opiate, which is fentanyl.

SPEAKER_03: 42:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 42:31

I'm on 0.75 micrograms of fentanyl going through my body every hour. It's like a slow release. My career was taken away.

SPEAKER_02: 42:42

Yeah. Well, not only that, you were training in the gym regularly to because and and you have to be a like a machine and methodical when you're gonna put your your yourself in a ring to fight someone. So to to go from that every day, presumably, or at least you know, say five however many days a week, to then being bedridden.

SPEAKER_04: 43:02

It was six days a week. Six days a week. Six days a week, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 43:05

To then go and be bedridden. How did that affect you?

SPEAKER_04: 43:10

Oh, mentally I was in probably one of the most darkest of places. But also at the time I was fighting with that, I was in emotionally domestic violent relationship.

SPEAKER_02: 43:26

Well, at the same time.

SPEAKER_04: 43:28

At the same time. Yeah. I was being gaslighted. I wasn't again, I wasn't good enough. Other things. She took every penny I had. I had nothing. She took every penny I had. She also div like divided my family. Like I don't talk to half of my family.

SPEAKER_03: 43:58

Because of her.

SPEAKER_04: 44:03

Which some of the things that have been done I can't go back to. This is it now. And so I hadn't I had to move out move out of my mum's. Obviously because of this situation. Found myself myself in a bed set. Mate. Know the song Teddy Swimps, lose control.

SPEAKER_03: 44:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 44:33

That first verse. Something's got a hold of me lately. And I don't know myself anymore. A whole verse. Like the walls caved me in the devil knocking on, but I felt a lot. And it got to a point then where I didn't see a point in life. I didn't I actually wanted to die.

SPEAKER_02: 45:00

That's a really low.

SPEAKER_04: 45:01

I didn't I I I had no yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 45:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 45:05

Like and there was times where I was prepared. I didn't go through with it. Whoever was up there, thank you. But it was like from me to where I'm talking to you away. It was there. It was looking at me.

SPEAKER_02: 45:25

What do you think stopped you?

SPEAKER_04: 45:26

And there was two people to take. I was frightened. Because if I've done this, there's no going back from it.

SPEAKER_02: 45:39

It's a p it's a permanent uh solution, isn't it, to a temporary problem.

SPEAKER_04: 45:44

Yeah. Yeah. The two people that saved my life was my brother. And my dad. My brother sat with me every night on the sofa. Everything, the thing, the ways I tried. He threw it, I threw it away, I did it.

SPEAKER_02: 46:07

So they knew that you were in this mindset. They they knew you were in this mindset. Did is is that because you opened up and talked to them about it, or was it because they found you trying?

SPEAKER_04: 46:20

Well I I found out I found that my uh my ex was cheating on me.

SPEAKER_03: 46:26

Oh, mate.

SPEAKER_04: 46:27

As well as doing everything else. So the first person I rang was my brother. Mate, what's she done? I'm gonna go mad. I'm gonna like and then I just sat there and I was like, I can't do this no more. What what life my life has gone like I didn't wanna I didn't wanna be on the this earth anymore. I've got nothing to live for. I'm ill, I've had this and this happen. I've got my family don't talk to me. Like, what's the point? What's the point? So I was my brother and quite a couple of friends backed me who did back me, and my dad. My dad lives in Spain, so my dad got me on a plane and when I got there he cried. He I was a bag of bones. I was about I was down to about 12 stone.

SPEAKER_01: 47:30

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04: 47:34

I was 23 stone before then, and I dropped in that short amount of space of time to 12 stone. Got through that airport and he cried and he's a cuddle wing.

SPEAKER_02: 47:46

And but your dad being the your dad being the type of man that that he he is or was, you probably wouldn't have expected that. You probably never not even maybe never even seen him cry before.

SPEAKER_04: 47:58

No, I'll yeah, I I've I've seen him cry a couple of times, but what the one of them was then. So I spent about three months out in Spain, just out of Benadon. I felt safe, felt happy. My dad, my my dad was nurturing me through. I've said it before, I'll say it again, he saved my life, and I can't thank him enough for that.

SPEAKER_02: 48:24

So we we got did it bring you closer? I was gonna say, did it I I presume something like that would bring you closer.

SPEAKER_04: 48:30

Yeah, we we we we spoke about things uh we've never ever spoken about, even about past past things. We spoke about things that we never really spoke about. Now I I ring my dad every day. In fact, he's coming home today. I'm really looking forward to it.

SPEAKER_02: 48:46

Amazing.

SPEAKER_04: 48:47

Um he's back for a few weeks. Yeah, so we talk every day, we check in every day. So I got on a plane home and I called my bed sit while I was in the cell block. So that's what it was.

SPEAKER_00: 49:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 49:07

It was hell. I was sitting there, I was back helping in the gyms around the area and I joined Facebook Dating.

SPEAKER_03: 49:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 49:24

And then the next I just heard a little giggle in the background there, by the way.

SPEAKER_04: 49:28

Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. I get DM'd. And it's it's the one and only Shannon. So I'm just talking, I'll just I've explained everything, like I'm if we wouldn't do this, we're gonna go slow, you know like we met up one day. We haven't left each other since.

SPEAKER_02: 49:55

That's amazing, mate.

SPEAKER_04: 49:58

She and little man have changed my life completely. But also like me being uh stepdad, I want to provide and so that's what I'm fighting for now.

SPEAKER_02: 50:17

Yeah, that instinct has taken over.

SPEAKER_04: 50:20

Yeah, 100%. Like, I want the best life possible. Yes, now like I'm currently going through the process of that change. Like, I could go out with my brother and I'm not getting bombarded with 300 text messages saying that you're cheating on me.

SPEAKER_02: 50:42

Yeah. That's that's just in it, that's just honestly. That I can't even that's that's a lot. That is a lot, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04: 50:53

Honestly, she used to watch me get into my brother's car, not Shannon, the ex.

SPEAKER_02: 50:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 50:58

The ex used to watch me get into my brother's car and then still accuse me.

SPEAKER_02: 51:05

I mean, that's real emotional torture, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04: 51:08

Like, I gave her everything. Her dad needed a car, okay. I'll pay for a car. And just took the lot.

SPEAKER_00: 51:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 51:18

She just took everything, just gaslighted me up until she got everything and done a runner.

SPEAKER_02: 51:22

I think when you're in it, it's difficult to see though, isn't it? You could because you love someone and you're you're just you would do anything for them, and you think that's what they need, and that's what love is, but sometimes it isn't, and you can't figure that out until it's retrospectively, and you can look back and think, yeah, that wasn't right. No, but by that point, sometimes it's too late, and then you you touched on PTSD, and it's you know that that comes from it, doesn't it? If it's if it's too much.

SPEAKER_04: 51:49

Oh, yeah, 100%, mate. Like I will I've always been the kind of guy thought, oh, I've heard of PTSD, I relate it more to the servicemen.

SPEAKER_00: 51:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 52:01

I ain't gonna get that. Then uh I started therapy how long ago?

SPEAKER_05: 52:08

Three weeks ago.

SPEAKER_04: 52:09

Yeah, about three weeks ago now.

SPEAKER_02: 52:10

Okay, so quite recent then.

SPEAKER_04: 52:12

Yeah. It's open Pandora's box for sure. But the nightmares are stopping. I used to get nightmares every night. Like Shannon used to tell me, Matt, you're fighting in sleep. Like I'm sweating, um but they're they're beginning to subside now. And so now I'm sleeping sound, but because I'm sleeping sound, I'm not getting up till 11, 12 o'clock at the end of the day. So my body's my body's playing catch-up.

SPEAKER_02: 52:42

Yeah, you got a lot to catch up on, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 52:45

Yeah. Yeah, so I'm just going through that. I'm going through that now. I've started EMDR as well, which obviously you spoke about like before we before we went on, which was really helping. But I'm just starting, I'm just going through that transition at the moment. But also at the same time, like on a boxer's point of view, I'm walking around because everything's so good. I'm waiting for the next thing.

SPEAKER_00: 53:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 53:16

Which we didn't, which did really happen. My my uncle passed away about three months ago.

SPEAKER_03: 53:22

Oh, sorry to hear that.

SPEAKER_04: 53:23

Umce of nature, shall we say. He said what he thought. My dad hit it on the narrow head. He was everyone's favorite favourite piece of my mind. He was he was uh he was one of them kind of guys who we sorely missed.

SPEAKER_05: 53:46

But yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 53:47

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. It's never easy losing someone, and I think especially when you've you've been through some some trauma and stuff, it it can hit it can hit hard and it can catch up with you when you when you don't realise it. So I think the fact that you're having therapy and you're you're hopefully equipping yourself with those tools now that actually do you know when the next thing does happen, because there will be a thing, there will always be a thing that you can cope with it. And you know, you've obviously got Shannon now, which you know having a support network is and a support network can be some one person because trust me, I you know I I had a support network of one person, and that's all I needed to to get to where I to where I got to. You that's all you need sometimes. So the world is your oyster, mate.

SPEAKER_04: 54:33

Yeah, yeah, like um, even down to the family stuff, I'm not bothered. I'm not I don't want to talk. If you want to leave me at my darkest time, you're not gonna be with me at my present. Yeah, like it it yeah, of course it hurts because we were a tight-knit family, but that's what always goes through my head. Is they're not gonna if you're not gonna go roll with me with a bad, you're not gonna roll with me with a good.

SPEAKER_02: 55:04

Yeah, you've got to look after yourself, you've got to put yourself first sometimes, and I think situations like that you have you you have to put yourself first, and you've got to do what's right for you. Sometimes you might turn around in a couple of years and be like, you know what, the right thing for me now is to get in touch with them and it is to have them in my life, but that might not ever happen. But you've got to do you, you've got to do what's right for you because quite clearly, and I don't mean this, I don't know the ins and outs, and I don't know your family, and this isn't me knocking them or anything, but the fact is they did what was right for them when they needed it, when you needed them, they did what was right for them. Well, you've got to do what's right for you now.

SPEAKER_04: 55:41

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_02: 55:43

And you've got a new family, you've got a new family, you've got little little man, and you've got Shannon, and I think.

SPEAKER_04: 55:48

Yeah. Yeah. Even though they drain off my life.

SPEAKER_02: 55:53

You wouldn't live without them though.

SPEAKER_04: 55:55

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. So they they keep me on these houses.

SPEAKER_02: 56:00

That's good though. You I think we all need that. We all need that. So how long? So can I ask some quick so can I ask a couple of questions about Shannon?

unknown: 56:08

Of course.

SPEAKER_02: 56:09

So how so how long have you two been together then? So you met on Facebook, Facebook dating. How long have you two been together?

SPEAKER_04: 56:17

Around about nine months now. Yeah, just under a year.

SPEAKER_02: 56:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 56:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 56:22

And how does the dyspraxia or DSP how does that play a part in your day-to-day life now?

SPEAKER_04: 56:31

And how does it affect it always it always it always plays a part. Shannon's very understandable. She's if I say I need a bit of help here. Okay, no problem.

SPEAKER_02: 56:44

So you're not so you're not ashamed to ask for a bit of help, though. That's that's a massive, massive thing. The fact that you can you've got someone you trust enough that you can say, Do you know what Shannon? I needn't need a little bit of help with this.

SPEAKER_04: 56:55

Yeah, yeah, no, I've if if I can't do it, I'll say. Which is very rare, and she does tell me offer it. But yeah, she like it it affects me on a day-to-day life, but with a bit of patience, which Shannon gives, and you understand we're a team.

SPEAKER_02: 57:19

That's good, that's good that you're a team. Nice. Yeah and the PTSD as well, I guess it's the same, it'll be the same answer. She's understanding and she she's you're managing it.

SPEAKER_04: 57:29

Yeah, at first like I remember the first time I ever come here and she she went to put her arm around me for a cuddle. I went literally I just shuddered. Like, what are you doing? Like, and then she put a like this can she put in front of me like that, and I wouldn't touch it until she said you can have it. Like, that's how bad it was. Like, but now she she's like, You're fine, you're safe, you're fine.

SPEAKER_02: 58:11

She's provided that environment for you, hasn't she?

SPEAKER_04: 58:13

Yeah, but do you know what she's she can be a protector? I remember we we were having something to eat not not so far not so long ago, and we bumped into the ex's family. Dad, I've never seen a woman pump her chest up so fucking quick. Like she get away from him protective, yeah. Like, and didn't like I was like, Well, no, don't no, that's not your case. Like, don't be doing that because if something happens and I'm gonna have to start rolling around the floor, it ain't a good idea.

SPEAKER_02: 58:50

No, like like, but it's nice, it's nice that that was the immediate reaction, though.

SPEAKER_04: 58:57

Yeah, like it was very someone's actually got my back. Because I've been promised, I've been promised from thousands of people, I've got your back, mate. Yeah, I've got your back, I've got you back. But there's no one here.

SPEAKER_02: 59:17

It's really interesting, isn't it? It's really interesting when times and and I've been very lucky that that when I've when I when I've had struggles and things, you know, things went bad for me, and everyone's situation is different, so I'm not trying to like come compare to like having I know you had with like the brain damage and stuff, I'm not trying to compare my situation, but it it's like when it when in anyone's situation when something goes wrong, it's interesting who's stood there with you and who you actually don't and for me I'm really lucky because I've got two I've got like two best friends, John O and Ricky, and I'm really lucky because they they will always have my back. That's the that's the support, that's how I feel. But there's new people that come out that like my mate Al, Nick from the Smithy family. There's I could list loads of there's loads of people that all of a sudden were like reaching out and they were like, We're here for you, what do you need? And they were checking in on me, like phoning me every day. But there's people that I thought they might have checked in once or twice, they're like, oh okay, right, like come on, get over it now. But they're not they're not there, wasn't really listening. And and there's some people now that aren't in my life anymore because they're they're not in my life anymore, because they weren't they weren't there when I needed them. And there's new people in my life that I've now built some of the best friendships that I've ever had in my life through this, through this. So I guess I've never really looked at it like this, but there's positives out of out of the truth out of the trauma I've gone into, you know, with with with we've just been in a TV show that we've that a friend of mine's made, and he put me in it, and I was like, I'm never gonna be able to do that, I'll never do that. And then I'm in it, and I'm in it, and we've had a premiere, and then we've now written a new project. I've written a comedy TV series, and we're working on that, and we're gonna launch that. And it's like those things would never have happened if I didn't meet that person. I wouldn't have really met that person and become that good friends with them if this didn't happen. So it wasn't until I've spoken to you, Matt, that actually I thought, you know what? Yeah, the the positives that have come out of a big negative for me are huge, they're massive because they're massive opportunities for me.

SPEAKER_04: 1:01:27

But yeah, 100% is true. Every cow every cloud has a silver lining, mate.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:34

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:01:35

Sometimes I can't see it. But when it comes, when it comes through, you grab it.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01:41

Yeah. Well, that's inspiring. That is inspiring.

SPEAKER_04: 1:01:45

And and embrace it. And that that's what I sort of like I always say to Shannon, she goes, I do take like that. Listen, life has a plan. We don't know what the plan is, and that's the scariest thing.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01:59

Yeah. We just gotta roll with it.

SPEAKER_04: 1:02:03

Yeah, yeah, go with it, because life will life will give you that path you want, but it's the same thing you go in a shop, you're not gonna get saved for free. Yeah, like sometimes you gotta pay a pot you gotta pay a price to get to where you want to be. That's what that's what we've got to do, mate.

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:24

I'm afraid I'm writing that down because that's another good one.

SPEAKER_04: 1:02:31

Matt the philosopher.

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:33

I never thought it. Like MMA fighter said to philosopher.

SPEAKER_04: 1:02:43

You know, they drive Shannon mad because I come up with them all the time. But when when when I was in a dark place, I was trying, I was holding on to things.

SPEAKER_05: 1:02:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:02:53

I was holding on to like that there that there. And then I started believing it, so I started thinking it through when I'm when you're sitting there in a cell block, your brain's like do you know what it's right? What I'm believing is right, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 1:03:10

Well that's incredible. Well look, before we before we wrap up, I would like always like to end on something a little bit lighter. So have you got something in the last couple of weeks? Either either either give me your best joke or give me something in the last few weeks that's really made you laugh or really made you happy, something something positive.

SPEAKER_04: 1:03:27

Oh do you know what? Yeah, I thought I had a really beautiful thing last week. I took my brother out. And we went to Tucker Social at the O2.

SPEAKER_03: 1:03:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 1:03:43

And we were playing in there and I I I took a moment to sit back and watch. And I was watching him play. Fuck I'm lucky.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:57

That's beautiful, that's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:00

I like from where I wanted to be, or where I w what I wanted to do. And whatever whoever's up there stop me from doing it. To see that moment was pretty magical.

SPEAKER_03: 1:04:16

Wow.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:17

Well Matt, thank you so much for for talking on the podcast, mate. I really appreciate it. Do we get to do we quickly get to meet Shannon before we go or is she is she shy?

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:25

Uh would you like to shannon? I mean my channel. There you go. Do you want to meet Alby?

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:30

Yeah, go on then. Nice to meet you. How are you doing? Alright.

SPEAKER_05: 1:04:36

There you go. She ran away.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:40

Don't run away. That'll do. Nice to meet you anyway.

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:46

Then what I said the other week, I genuinely mean when you're done at the O2, let me know, we'll go for a pint.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:52

We will do, mate.

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:53

Cool, mate. No worries. Thank you for having me on, mate. Really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:55

Take care, mate. Thank you, mate. I appreciate it. Take care. What an inspiration. From dyspraxia at the age of six to a pro MMA fighter and a career in fighting, boxing MMA. So then brain damage and being Benridum, but getting up out of that and finding a new relationship and finding a new support network is incredible. It's inspiring. And I wish Matt all the best of luck. That's it for this episode of Definitely Not Therapy. And if you cried, laughed, smiled, or just felt slightly uncomfortable, then we've done our job. Make sure to follow, subscribe, leave a review if you can, and perhaps share this with someone who feels alone right now. Because that might make them just feel less alone. There's someone else going through the same thing as them. Whatever your story might be, whether it's co-parenting issues, divorce, breakups, heartbreak, anything, anything that goes unspoken, things that you feel like you can't talk about, come and talk to me about them. Let's help to spread some awareness. All you need to do is email me at onlydanlawrence at gmail.com or DM me on any of my social media platforms, Dan Lawrence on Facebook, Dan Lawrence Comedy on Instagram, or definitely not Therapy Pod on Instagram. I'm Dan Lawrence and I'll see you next time.