From Bullying to Bipolar: One Family’s Fight—and the Music That Heals

A dad of eight turns late-night lyrics into lifelines while caring for a partner living with bipolar, BPD, chronic pain, and severe asthma.

How do you hold a household together when the carer is running on empty? John—dad of eight, full-time carer, and aspiring songwriter—opens up about school bullying, quiet grief, and the strain of supporting a partner through bipolar disorder, BPD, chronic pain, and severe asthma. We talk men’s mental health, the pressure of social media, and why ten minutes of courage—calling a friend, walking into a group, or hitting record—can change a family’s future. John also shares how AI-assisted songwriting helps him process the ache and celebrate the fragile wins. This is a conversation about resilience, creativity, and the small rituals that keep us here.

Email: onlydanlawrence@gmail.com

• Caring on empty: diabetes, fatigue, and the hidden cost of being “the strong one.”
• Bullying’s long tail: what schools miss, and how to push for real interventions.
• Living alongside bipolar, BPD, chronic pain, and severe asthma—what helps and what harms.
• Men’s mental health: why bottling up backfires, and simple check-ins that actually work.
• Grief in the background: when songs heal you—and undo you.
• Making music at midnight: how AI tools help John write, produce, and breathe.
• Parenting on purpose: choosing presence over presents and building memory rituals.
• Building a support network when you are “not a talker.”

If this helped you: subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs a nudge to check in—or to finally speak up.

Transcript

unknown: 0:00
It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 0:02
Welcome to another episode of Definitely Not Therapy with me, social media sensation, Dan Lawrence. No one's ever called me that, by the way. But I'm saying if I say it enough, it will stick, won't it? It will definitely won't stick, will it? It's not gonna stick. We're here to talk about the ups and downs of life, how we completely fall apart at the seams, and we sort of pick ourselves back up again. We want to hear the raw, unfiltered discussions about life, about mental health, about illness, about all the topics that people just really don't want to talk about. This is definitely not therapy. So in this episode, I'll be speaking to John, who is an aspiring singer-songwriter with some incredible music. But John has struggled with mental health for a lot of his adult life because of the pressures of social media and what is expected of you, which I can completely relate to, from the pressure of living with a wife who has bipolar, who has chronic pain, she has severe asthma, she has borderline personality disorder. And we're often talking about the people that have had an illness or a mental health struggle, and we're talking to the person that's coped with it and dealt with it and come out the other side. This is the first time we're speaking to someone who lives with someone who is dealing with some of the most serious conditions and how that affects him. On top of that, John's got his own health issues. He's been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, which leaves him fatigued. John is trying to be a man, is trying to be a husband, is trying to be a dad, he's trying to run a household and be the man. He's got eight children living at the home. No wonder he's fatigued. He's got all of this pressure on his shoulders. He's got a wife who needs extra help, extra care, extra attention, and he wants to do everything he possibly can for his wife and for his children. Of course he does. And music, music is John's escape. So we're going to talk to John today to find out how he copes with his mental health.

unknown: 2:22
It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 2:24
I know there's something niggling in the back of your mind right now, isn't there? Where you're trying to concentrate on this podcast, on this very, very good podcast, this very engaging podcast. But you're thinking, I wish we had a new bathroom, I wish we had a new kitchen, I wish we had a new games room. Well, this week's episode of Definitely Not Therapy is sponsored by Bell Trades. We've all been there, haven't we? We've sat there and we've thought, right, next job, we'll get the kitchen done. Next job, we'll get the bathroom done. And we just never get around to it. Why do we do that? We just we never get around to it. Do it. Now is the time. Contact Bell Trades and they can help. It might not cost as much as you think. Bell Trades have a very simple philosophy to turn your house into a home that you're proud of. Not where you can think, I wish we had a new bathroom, I wish we had a new kitchen, wish we had a new games room or man cave, wish our bedroom was nice. Bell Trades don't need to start from scratch. You don't have to have an entire new room. You might be thinking, I just wish this room was finished. They can look at the room and they can see the potential and they can work with you on it. Belltrades are specialists in bathrooms, kitchens, and entire renovations. You will not be disappointed. And if you think, oh Dan, I really, really, really want it done. I really want to get that bathroom finished, or I really want to get a new kitchen, but I just haven't got the money. Life's hard at the moment, life's expensive at the moment. But there are some really, really reasonable finance options available. Go check their website, it's www.belltrades.co.uk. Or why don't you check them out on Instagram? It's at bell underscore underscore trades. It's a double underscore. On their Instagram page, they've got some great before and after shots. So you can see the work they do. You can see the quality. And the beauty is they cover the entire South East London as well as Kent. So if you're one of them people, you're sat there, you're in South East London, you're in Kent, you're thinking, oh my bathroom. I don't like going in there because it stresses me out. www.beltrades.co.uk. Bell Trades have helped me bring my vision to life. My vision of this podcast, they've helped me by sponsoring. Let them help bring your vision to life in your home. Because home isn't just where you live, it's how you live. Get yourself a quote. What have you got to lose, eh? Anyway, let's get back to the podcast, shall we?

SPEAKER_05: 4:55
It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 4:57
John.

SPEAKER_05: 4:58
You alright?

SPEAKER_04: 4:59
How you doing, mate? You good? Yeah, not too bad. Firstly, John, thank you for joining me this week on Definitely Not Therapy. I've been excited to talk to you actually because I've got your research sheet. We've actually shared a few conversations in in the past over social media. And one of the things that you've actually brought up is the pressure of social media. So I think there's going to be quite a few things that I can relate to when you know when you go through your story. As you know, the reason that I'm doing the podcast is to help spread awareness, and there's so many different topics that I want to cover and I want to spread awareness around, but they all sort of for me come round to come back to men's mental health because that's the thing at the moment that I just don't think it's talked about enough. And that there's so many people that are sat there because I was one of them. I know I was one of them, and I was sat there thinking I've got all these things and I don't know how to cope with it, how to deal with it, where to go, where to who to talk to, and it's overwhelming, I think. For when it can be, especially when you're you know you're brought up to just be a man's man, you just you just get on with it, you just do it, and and actually we're just in such a different generation now. We're we're in a kind of an in-between generation where we can't act like our parents acted, and that's nothing wrong with how they did. They was a product of their environment, but we've now got to not act like that because we're not allowed to, because you have to you know treat children differently, which I mean this sounds this sounds bad, but what I mean is like no, I was ruled a little bit by fear when I was growing up. It was like we were scared of dad, although all for the right reasons, that's what you know, when dad gets home you're in trouble. Completely different generation, completely different generation. Now you can't do that. So we're in this sort of transition period, and it's really difficult. So I just think by spreading some awareness, talking about actually, do you know what some of the problems that people do have, real people that have got real stories? For me, that's the most relatable thing. That's what I related to when I was in my sort of deepest and darkest moments. People that actually have the exact same thing as me in common. So I hope by doing this and talking to people like yourself, John, that have had struggles and potentially do still have struggles, but people can sit there and think, okay, I'm not alone, I'm not the only person in the world that has these problems. Yeah, although sometimes it does feel like that. It does feel like that, and I think you become again. I'm speaking for myself, and I'd imagine if I felt like this, a lot of people felt like it. But I felt sort of selfish. What's the best way to describe it? I felt selfish, but I sort of felt protective over that selfishness because I felt selfish in the fact that this is me, this is my trauma. No one could possibly know what I'm going through or how bad it is, and I try and protect that, but actually that's not true. There's so many people that go through much worse.

SPEAKER_03: 7:54
Did you feel like because you're more in the you're more like in the media spotlight that you have to hide it more?

SPEAKER_04: 7:59
Oh, so much, so much. Well, the fact I did hide it, but I had to hide it from the day it happened to two and a half months later. Because you know, and it's it's it sounds silly, like it sounds so silly when I think back because you know, we're not the Beckhams, no one really cares. We didn't need to do a big announcement, but you do feel that pressure because you're you're making content and you're posting content, and people are watching that, and people are consuming that, and then people feel like they know you, and everything we posted was you know, is a part of well, it came from my brain, everything was part of me. It was they're all little parts of me that I'm putting out there. And I did have to hide it, I had to, but not just from social media, I had to hide it from friends and family because I couldn't. I I was embarrassed to be honest, I was embarrassed.

SPEAKER_03: 8:48
Sorry, sorry, when you when you finally when you finally broke, did you feel like you've had to put it out in video, or did you want to keep it to yourself?

SPEAKER_04: 8:56
Well, the thing is when we like finally broke, for me, it wasn't finally nothing, I didn't expect it, it was I was blindsided, so I didn't it wasn't expecting it to happen. So, between that point, that's when I made a video of me. Well, basically, you know, I was I was a broken man. I was making a video diary that I could hopefully look look back on in a year, but you know, my friends and family, my ex's family, they were supportive, and they're like, You should post this, post this video, like tell people how you feel. Like, it was never to put her down, it wasn't about that. I was it was just I was emotional, and it was about me and the things I was feeling, and you know, it did what it did, it it went viral. It I I know that it did good because it showed that I got so much support from it. There was a lot of hate, and there was a lot of just get on with it, and the what you'd expect. But there's a lot of people messaged me now two years on, nearly 18 months on, saying, I'm so glad you posted that video because I've watched it, and and what happens is it's the algorithm. So if someone's sat there and they're going for a breakup, they're scrolling, they're looking for sad songs, they're looking for sad stuff, they're looking for breakups, and it comes up and it shows people that actually the same as what I'm trying to do, you're not you're not alone.

SPEAKER_03: 10:16
It shows people they they sit there and think it's not it, it just shows that it's you're human at the end of the day, yeah. Because even though even though you're you're on you know Facebook and TikTok and whatever, you're popular and you've got a lot of followers, you know, it just shows that everyone is human, no matter what you are, who you are, what gender you are, everyone is is the same, you know, everyone's got emotion, everyone goes through it, and pain is pain, and people deal with things differently.

SPEAKER_04: 10:42
And this is why I say, you know, some some people I I feel about selfishness, but people go through so much worse than what I went through, and they cope so much better. And I don't in my mind, I don't understand that. I don't understand that because I don't know how anyone could cope any better than what I'm coping, and that's just because that's me, and that's the only way I know how to to do it. But people go through a lot less, and they we lose people over it, you know, we lose people over it, and and that's I think the heartbreaking thing that there's no formula for it, there's no real kind of not a real place for men to talk because there's now so many clubs, there's so many places that men can go and talk like Andy's Man Club is a great one. I've spoken to a few guys from there on the podcast so far, but we need more places like that.

SPEAKER_03: 11:27
We need we need it to be acceptable for men to kind of this is how I sort of you know, yeah, be able to express themselves, and you know, yeah, because we can frustrating it can be because you know I I don't really have that many people to speak to. I've got one good friend from school who very rarely speak to him, he was in the REF for nine years, you know. Now he's going through a lot of crap basically with his ex. And it's like I don't know, I just can't I can't I I find it really difficult to open up to people.

SPEAKER_04: 12:02
But that's a lot of men, I think a lot of men do that, and and and that's why when I've spoken to a couple, I've had like I say a few guys from Andy's Man Club, and for me, I I never went to it, and and the reason I never went to it is for exactly what you've just said there, John, is I'm thinking, okay, I've got to sit in a room full of other men and tell them my emotions. Never gonna happen, can't do it, physically can't do it. But after hearing people's stories who have been there, like it's just that 10 minutes of courage, 10 minutes of courage to walk through that door, and it can save your life, it really can. I think I was fortunate that a few circumstances happened that meant my life was I was saved and I didn't do anything silly, but it's very easy to get yourself into that mindset when something happens. So yeah, I think you're right. We just it's it's it's hard to talk, and especially you've you've said it there about kind of the support network. That is the biggest thing. But but the one thing I would say sometimes you only need that one person, you only need one person to check in and say, How are you? How was that thing this week? Just so that you know, oh, someone does care.

SPEAKER_03: 13:13
But when Yeah, my oldest daughter's very good at that, you know, she's 24 and she'll always because there's there's a bit of stuff going on with my mum at the moment, uh, she's not well. And she every day she comes home from work and she'll say, How are you today, Dad? How are you today? And it's I don't know, it's really I don't know, it's really heartwarming, you know. And she is that she just looks out at people, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 13:37
But I guess she's the younger generation, she's the she's now the generation that it is they're take they're not not taking over, but they they're growing up now with the knowledge of we do need to ask, we do need to ask, are you okay? And we do need to be checking in with people. Whereas back when we grew up, it wouldn't have been are you okay? It would have been having a laugh with your mates. That was your therapy, down the pub, a couple of couple of drinks, taking the taking the mick out of each other. That and that was it, because you'd then forget about your problems, bottling them up, and think, oh, okay, do you know what everything's fine? I've had a laugh tonight, I can forget about that for a couple of weeks, and then it gets worse and worse and worse. And that's why, you know, unfortunately, the the and it's a hard topic to talk about, but that's why the suicide rate in men is so high, because we we bottle things up and we don't cope well when it comes to breakups, and especially when there's children involved, we don't cope cope well with it, and that's the biggest cause of you know I'm lucky in in that sense.

SPEAKER_03: 14:30
I'm lucky because I've never had that situation, but obviously, no, it's seen like well, like I was saying, my best mate. I mean, he went through it, you know, knowing to make some court case, and it's just like I don't know, there there are there are people out there that really I don't know, they're really strong, but he's not, and I feel I feel for him, I really do. But then I've got my own stuff going on as as has a lot of people, you know. Yeah, it's difficult when when you've got your own stuff going on to then be there for somebody else, you know what I mean. Yeah, you you do easily what you can.

SPEAKER_04: 15:03
I know what you mean. I I think so, and and and this is where for me some of the selfishness came in. Like my best friend is he was going through something really similar to me at the same time, but I just made it all about me, like I just made it all about me because I was hurting so much, but he was going through the same thing, but I didn't stop him, he was still there for me every single day, whenever I needed him to be.

SPEAKER_03: 15:28
But yeah, I don't know, it's it's people deal with people deal with things differently, like you said, you know, he was there for you, you weren't, but it's just everyone deals with things differently. You can't blame yourself for that, that's all, because you've never been through that situation, you know, and you just don't know how you're gonna react to it.

SPEAKER_04: 15:46
Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing. But so anyway, so before this becomes a podcast just about me, John, tell me about you. What's was like what was childhood like for you or growing up, or start wherever you want to start, whenever sort of mental health became a a part of your life?

SPEAKER_03: 16:04
Um yeah, I think it was secondary school because I was always as as a youngster, my my mum and dad were like churchgoers. I used to have to go to Sunday school every Sunday, was literally forced into it. I didn't enjoy it, and then secondary school came around and just got in with a long crowd, I think. Because I was quite big back then, you know, I was quite a big lad back then. And I they used to obviously kickers at me for the you know exercise. I used to get spat on and you know, uh yeah, on the school bus on the way home. I used to I used to hate it. I used to hate it. There was it was a group of three or four of them. Yeah, they used to spit on me and and smack my head, and I just this is the thing, I've never really spoken to anyone about it. I don't know why it's now, but it's just uh it I think that's where it all started. Subconsciously, I didn't know. But it ended up the situation where it was just getting so bad. My dad used to drop me off at the school every morning, and I used to wait for him to go, he used to go to work, and I used to run through the woods and go up onto the local golf course and basically just stay there all day. And I used to write my own absent notes, uh forge my mum's signature, and uh yeah, it all it just all went from there. And I used to sit in this little cemetery and go and see my grand and grandad where they were and the local library, and it got to the point that I think my mum found a letter that I'd written an absence note in one of my drawers, and I got home from school one day and she's like, Are you gonna explain this? And I th that was really just let it all out, and then because she was a governor of the school at the time, and she came to the head teacher, she went to the head teacher's office, and then we said, Right, he we might be coming back to this school. And yeah, that was in obviously attending. So it was for those from year seven to year ten, it was awful. That's horrible for for a child of that age. Not every day, not every day. It was I don't know, it was just little things. You know, the there was a group like I said, three or four of them, yeah, and it was some days it's just it was relentless.

SPEAKER_04: 18:23
Um but for you to for you to then be going to the extent at that age of writing your own absent note and then taking yourself through the woods and sitting on a golf course, like that must just be so isolating. And yeah, you wouldn't have known maybe at the time, but the mental health badly at the time.

SPEAKER_03: 18:42
I think I I it's only now looking back after a few years, you sort of realize that shit, you know, that was quite bad. You don't think of it at the time, you just think you're getting away from that situation, and you know, maybe it will go away the next day, but it doesn't work on that fortune, and I suppose that's the mental scar now, and this is why my kids know if any of them get any sort of bullying about their weight, you know, anything like that, their appearance, I come down hard on the school because that's what I had to endure at school, which I've had with one of my kids, and you know it it's led to her having mental health issues, so you know that must be really hard.

SPEAKER_04: 19:21
That must be really hard as a as a dad. That must be really hard to know that you went through that and you've tried to protect her from that, and there's it's that the same thing is still happening, like bullying is still going on.

SPEAKER_03: 19:35
Yeah, I mean with her as well, it this I mean she's 14 now, 15, and this died when she was 12. I'll never forget it. I was in my mum's garden, and I got a phone call from the school, and oh, they said just to let you know, Mr. Giles, I'm not sure if you're aware, but Emily's been self-harming because she she had a confidence at the school, someone that she spoke to, and I'm like, Oh, it's just I couldn't I couldn't believe it. I could not believe it. So we took her to uh something called CAMS over here over here. That didn't really work, it's like a mental health place, but she's she's getting a lot better now. It was just those couple of school years that are absolute hell, and you just feel so helpless. I don't yeah, I think it's hard to talk about.

SPEAKER_04: 20:25
That's the that's the thing that it's terrifying, I think, as a dad, because we're when we're we're designed to be protective, we're protective over our over our little ones. So if if something like that happens, like yeah, I don't know. Like my a friend of mine, a close friend of mine, had his child was in school, and I've got to be careful what I say here because I don't want to say any names or give anything away, but they were in school and they were bullied over something, they were they were like attacked quite badly and they were injured through it, and then they retaliated, but they they were the ones that got in trouble for retaliating for trying to defend themselves. So it's so what do we do? Do we just let our children get bullied? Because like I'm you know, my little harper's lovely, but all little kids of that age are lovely. But do you know what? If someone even looked at it the wrong way, I'd be like, I'd lose my mind. I'd be like, I'd be angry about it, but you can't really do anything about it. You've got to kind of let them to a point, you know, where do you s where do you step in and how far can you take it when your child's clearly getting bullied and then they're gonna get mental health issues from it? Like, but you would do anything to stop that from happening. So to take that phone call, you must have been absolutely devastated.

SPEAKER_03: 21:43
Yeah, and it's it's been like I said, pretty much ongoing for the last two years. Mental health classes, you speak to a character at school now. It's a lot better than it was, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_04: 21:53
Is she in the same school or is she moved?

SPEAKER_03: 21:56
No, same school, same school. We've got three of the other uh kids are in that school as well. Which is nice in a way because she's got like a little bit of support from her siblings. Yeah, it it was it was she has her friends there as well, so it would have been hard to have moved her when she didn't know anyone. But yeah, no, she's she stuck it out, and I had countless meetings at the school with her head of you and the uh you know the mental health team there. And hopefully, fingers crossed it's getting a little bit better. Um, because she's such a sweet girl. She really is, she went actually.

SPEAKER_04: 22:31
Well, fingers crossed. Well, I hope it all works out for her, and I'm glad that she's getting help that that you know she deserves to have, and hopefully, you know, she can draw a line and move forward and you know be happy and healthy moving forward.

SPEAKER_03: 22:43
And that's why that's why I come down so hard on the school, because you know, like I said, that's what happened to me. Yeah. Exactly the same thing. You know, and I I'm guessing that is where it all started for me. Um, but I didn't know it at the time.

SPEAKER_05: 22:57
It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 22:59
So you so you can look back now when so when things happen, you think it's now you've unlocked Pandora's box, as it were, and you can you can look back at that trauma and think, okay, that's probably has played a part. But I guess when there's one or two little things, you can say, Okay, you can cut it's easy to forget about, but maybe when three or four things happen, five or six things happen, more the more and more that's piled on you and the pressure, well, at some point, like I said earlier, that's got to go somewhere, and then you do start thinking, okay, yeah, maybe that obviously did play a part, maybe that's where it started. So I guess it's good in a way that you know that because then you can talk about that and you can kind of get it off your chest. But how does it affect you sort of now?

SPEAKER_03: 23:40
Obviously, being an older guy, you you know, yeah, not so not so much now. There's been you know a lot more happened since that point, but that was I'm guessing that was the catalyst for everything. Maybe yeah, like I said, I didn't really know. I mean, I didn't get diagnosed with depression until 2012. Okay. So, you know, when you think I finished school in 1996, giving away my age now. Yeah, it it was a long time. But obviously, when you're diagnosed with depression, you think about things that happened in the past, not just what's here and now. Yeah, in some ways it was a help knowing that I actually had this illness. In some ways it was a hindrance, it just it affected me working as well, you know. I haven't actually had a proper job since 2015.

SPEAKER_04: 24:29
Oh really? And that's because of the depression.

SPEAKER_03: 24:33
Depression and also my wife's health as well. She's she's got uh CPS, which is chronic pain syndrome, she's got bipolar, she's got severe asthma, you know, we've had to have a stair lift put in for her. We've had a round put up to the front door now because she's got she's got to use a um not a mobility scooter.

SPEAKER_01: 24:55
Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 24:56
And you know, she's only 40. Wow.

SPEAKER_04: 24:59
So you have all of that pressure on your shoulders as well. I'm designated as a full-time carer, yeah. So just just before we get into that, because obviously there's quite a lot there with your wife, and obviously I've on your research sheet, I've read you know, about you've got, I think, eight children, you're obviously trying to be the family man and run everything, and you've got all this pressure on you. But what we we don't often talk about, what I haven't talked about in this podcast, is the people that have had mental health issues that have come out the other side, but not necessarily to people that are living full-time with someone that maybe has extra extra needs and how much that pressure puts on you, which I'd love to sort of get in not love to get into because that sounds like a I like I wouldn't love to get into that because I'm sorry that that's how your wife wife obviously feels and she has those those illnesses. But before we get into that, depression at 2012, where you were diagnosed, what happened? Why were you diagnosed in 2012? Was there an event that happened?

SPEAKER_03: 25:59
Did something happen, or was it did you just feel my grand and granddad both died within a year of each other? My grand died in 2011, my granddad 2012. We went to the hospital to see him for the last time. I can't remember what month it was now, but yeah, like subconsciously, and then obviously she had postnatal depression in 2009, so that's going back as well. It's just all these little things build up and then build up and build up and then they finally just explode, I suppose. And that's when I decided to go to the GP and just say, you know, this is going on, this is happening. Yeah, and it's just things like that. It's just it's it's nobody, you know, you can't things things in life happen, you can't stop it. In some ways I feel I dealt with it fairly well, but definitely the medication helped. Definitely, because I was really gradually really irritable, taking things out on people, you know, really moody. So, yeah, that helps. I'm on the highest doses of that now. But yeah, I think that's the events leading up to that 2012, it's just a a culmination of things that happened. Yeah, and um, I think that's just just where it went, really.

SPEAKER_04: 27:13
Um I can I can relate to that, and I think Fairplug, I respect you hugely for the fact that you yourself could feel could feel that, and you feel that there was a difference in your personality, and you yourself went to the doctor. I sort of had a similar situation. My grandparents had both they'd both passed within a short period of each other, and it was through COVID, and there was a lot of kind of there was a lot of stress around that because like Harper was just born, and I was so close to my nan and my nan and granddad, and my my my nan, I remember it because she had dementia, and we she was in a care home and it was through lockdown, so we couldn't you know go and see her, but we could go and see her, but strict rules, and I really wanted her to meet Harper, and it was and I was so excited because the nurses were uh and and I've never told this story, so it's got I'll try not to get emotional, but like I was so close to my nan. I was so like I I was so and even through her dementia when she was still living at home with grandad, she would always remember me, she would always call me oh my little Daniel, it was always oh my little Daniel. So she'd forget loads and loads of stuff, but because we had a routine where I would take dinner round to them once a week, I'd do their shopping for them, I'd help, I'd take them some fruit and veg and whatever it was, so that we had certain routines, so she'd always still remember me. And when she was in hospital and she couldn't remember anyone, uh sorry, she was in a care home, she couldn't remember anyone. The nurse I said, put her on the phone to me, I want to talk, I want to talk to her because I'm booking to come in. I want to bring Harper in to meet to meet her because my nan was really special to me and Harper had just been born. And I had a full-blown conversation with my nan, and it but they which was lovely, and I think that was on the Friday. That was like, no, that was on the Monday, and we were going to see her on the Friday. So on the Monday I had the conversation, and the nurse said, I can't believe she was just having a conversation with you, and she knew who you were. She's just that's the most alert and aware she's been since she's been in here, and then we went to see her on the Friday, and on the Friday, she was just like a zombie, just she didn't know they'd just fed and obviously because of the the illness, they'd fed her with medication, and she was just in a chair. It was just heartbreaking to see my nan like that. So she didn't really get to meet Harper because Harper was there, but Harper won't remember it because she was a baby, and my nan that was on the Friday, and I think my nan passed away on the Monday or the Tuesday. So yeah, so it's it's it's hard, but I but I had that, and then I had the same with my grandad shortly after, I think, within a year. And then, but I never dealt with it. I never went to the doctor, I never dealt with it. I just bottled it up and didn't I was like because I was also had the pressure of newborn baby. baby trying to run a household trying to come up with new videos every single day to post and it was a lot and I never went to I never I should have and I never did. I wish I was more like more like you in that respect because I just didn't do anything about it.

SPEAKER_03: 30:16
Yeah yeah but then like you say everyone's different and you know I it's losing the ground parent it's hard.

SPEAKER_04: 30:24
Yeah it's yeah you you you dealt with that the way you top it basically you didn't want to have the hassle I mean at any point you know when you were like doing all your prank videos and things like that did you ever sort of think to like I really need to stop doing this for a minute just have time have time to grieve did you ever I didn't I did I didn't I didn't and I probably I probably should have but I'll tell you the issue with social media social media is very fickle a very fickle industry and and I love it and I love being able to create content that makes people laugh like genuinely that's my I've always I've done that for so much longer than before I created the the Facebook pages but the problem is when it turns from just a bit of fun to a job and you've got a family that rely on you I just put myself bottom of the pile it didn't matter like I knew that I probably needed therapy or needed to see a doctor but therapy is going to cost money well that's money taken out of my little girl's pocket for food or or or whatever it was so it's I sh I probably should have but the problem with it you just don't get time off you know we've got to do nice things we've got to go on nice holidays but even during those holidays you have to put it's work constantly you have because if you're away for three weeks you've got to post while you're there you've got a plan for when you get back it's a constant so I never had the time off to to grieve and I think that was a massive factor but at the time I didn't even it didn't even cross my mind to stop doing what I was doing because I just thought if I stop what I'm doing well I've still got to go I've got to go and get a normal job anyway which is that's not like I haven't got a problem with doing that but if I go if I go and do that then it's like well I've then got even less time at home with the girls so I might as well just keep doing what I'm doing. And then I've and then I thought I had that support there because at home that's where my support network is that's where my safety net is which obviously you know turns out that's not that's not not the case but that's another story but yeah no but I suppose in a way at the time what happened with your granddad you you were working but it was working with family maybe if you I don't know if maybe if you had another job somewhere else it would take you away from the situation a little bit I don't know probably would have I don't know I don't know hindsight's a wonderful thing isn't it it's definitely not therapy okay so coming back to the the sort of the home life then so obviously for you you've said now that you're you're you know you're pretty good you're you're you've you've dealt with some things in the past and you're pretty good now but how is it living with obviously you know your wife obviously who has perhaps some extra needs with the severe asthma the chronic pain syndrome personality but it was it borderline BPD disorder borderline personally she's got by she's got bipolar and borderline personal disorder so can you just because I don't really know what those two things are so would you mind just educating me a little bit and telling me what they mean and what they are bipolar is it's you can be one minute you can be as high as a kite flying you know literally going around the house doing the things that you shouldn't be doing knowing that it's going to have an effect on you the following day and then obviously you've got the lows the real lows you just don't want to get out of bed and you're irritable you take it out on people to be honest with you it's really I suppose in a way I've I've come to sort of accept not accept that's accept the wrong word deal with it I think with the borderline personality disorder yeah that's just like Jack and Hyde you can click a switch and one minute she's happy as Mary next minute she's you know showing at you in all sorts of ways but so like a more extreme version of bipolar yeah yeah it's uh it's difficult it really is but at the end of the day you know we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary yesterday.

SPEAKER_03: 34:32
Well congratulations that's incredible Yeah we still we still have a laugh you know it's things are they're different now obviously with her illnesses and stuff because she finds it she can't really walk anywhere and that's why she's got this mobility to go to know but yeah it's um it's an everyday thing everyday you know like take for instance today she couldn't go off a sofa because she had chronic back pain you know she couldn't even walk to the kitchen you know without a walking stick. You know she's 40 years old you know I know that the the kids sometimes do take the Mickey out of her because she's a you you look like you're about 80 years old. It's difficult for them to understand especially the younger ones. Yeah it it's it's everyday damn it really is it's hard sometimes especially obviously while I've got problems with my mum at the moment as well she's in hospital I've just been diagnosed with diabetes as well so that's like now I know why I'm always tired and excessive thirst you know yeah it's um it's just an everyday thing it's you just get on with it basically that's all my that's all I can do.

SPEAKER_04: 35:45
But what are your coping mechanisms though? Because I think that that's that's a lot of stuff to to cope with and to be on your shoulders and and obviously I'm sure you know the you you and your wife have been together for 19 years which is my escape my my escape is music. Well that's what I was going to come on to was it must be music so obviously I've you know you've sent me a couple of songs in the past I've seen a couple of the videos that you that that have been made and I think the last one in particular I forgot to write the name of it down but it was beautiful and it actually hit a bit of a chord with me but I think I quite often listen like everyone uses music as an escape don't they but yeah I thought it was really touching your last song which hopefully I'll be able to play at the end of this episode so that people can hear it had a lot of interest on um on Facebook I know it's done quite a few hundred thousand like a few thousand views not hundreds but um for me getting near 100k views on a video is quite something you know I wasn't expecting it to take off the way it did yeah it's just just trying to lose myself in it this is why in the evenings I enjoy just putting together a song just writing the lyrics I mean it's all basically done by AI you know I don't I just write the lyrics and the music comes itself it does it all I don't have the talent to to play a guitar or sing yourself but it's all done by AI you know and I'm not ashamed to say that I know that AI is a massive thing at the moment it's like the the video for that song that I sent you that was all done by AI as well by a friend of mine. Which is incredible by the way because AI now you can look at a video and you've really got to look at and think it is that is that I AI or is that real? Because it's so good now it's so difficult to like it is yeah it's crazy. It's crazy. So when did you first get into music what what what has it been your whole life or is it just been more recent it really took hold this is going to sound like such a key so but in 1994 when I first heard Oasis song Live Forever that changed it for me.

SPEAKER_03: 37:50
Yeah I wasn't into I I mean I I've been to see gigs and stuff I mean I was I was into status quo when I was young my first gig was 10 years old going to see them in Bournemouth.

SPEAKER_04: 38:00
But then when I heard a friend of mine was into really big into Oasis and he started playing it and they I I cannot I cannot emphasize how much that band has played a massive part in my life they really have um status quo well I mean what I will say is that oh oasis so did you get to see Oasis recently no no couldn't get tickets couldn't afford them well they're so expensive aren't they they're so ridiculous.

SPEAKER_03: 38:27
I I didn't get to go and see them either they were they were a big I I mean I loved them growing up but I wasn't like a super fan but I mean even before they split up in 2009 I saw them seven times live oh okay well at least you got to see them then yeah yeah it was um a great experience yeah I mean I've got Live Forever tattooed on my arm you know it just that's my favourite ever song and it means so much to me it's one of the songs I could just listen to over and over again yeah it's just their their music it's I find it so uplifting.

SPEAKER_04: 38:59
Yeah and it seems it seems to resonate with a a lot of people as you can well tell on the tour but that that's um getting lost in that that music um you know nine gigs as well not so much these days because they're so expensive but you know back in the early 2000s yeah I used to go to gigs over here U2 Stereophonics Cusabian all sort of bands I think I've only been to I've only been to and you're this and this is embarrassing I will tell you this my first and this is where you've said about your first ever gig that you went to was status quo which is that's quite a cool that's quite a cool thing like that was 1990 so they were still fairly big at that time yeah but even still even if they weren't it's still status quo still like a f like they're reputable my first ever concert was All Saints do you know what I can't laugh at that because I went to see them in ball of as well. Yeah but not for your first I mean if you're a music fan but they had one good song out I think which was the song from we'd we'd just watched what's what film is it with Leonardo DiCaprio The Beach. There's an yeah and they done the song for it and it was just everywhere and me and my best mates his mum drove us up in a little van and we was there and we was just like it was mainly women it was mainly not women it was mainly girls just teenage girls and there was like three or four teenagers like boys just like that's that's shocking that's shocking though I I wouldn't advertise that too much I might even have to leave that out of the pockosh but I did just to kind of balance it I went to Glastonbury and saw some incredible some incredible acts at Glastonbury and I went C M at Wembley Glastonbury like I've never been to Glastonbury what's it like so okay so Glastonbury for me I've never been like a festival goer growing up I'd never been to a and also Glastonbury was my first ever festival in my whole life so I went big and it was the year I can't remember the year now but Dell was playing Coldplay but it it was incredible but I'm I'm very much like live music for me is just incredible I watched a band I can't remember what they're called now I watched a band anyway I didn't like the band and then they were on and I listened to them and they were incredible it was like the best thing I'd ever seen but then I came away from from it downloaded the album I just didn't like it. It was just but live it was the experience it was the atmosphere I saw some incredible acts but the whole thing was just surreal like Glastonbury is a surreal place it's just massive and it was poured down with rain there was just mud everywhere everyone was filthy but no one cared yeah but that it was good I'm glad I did it when when the festival is like fully like you got I think it's a class as like one of the one of the biggest it can be like class as one of the biggest sort of towns population wise it can be like a town because it's like 2000 people or something like that. Is it yeah when you're stood there and you can see the the kind of you see the main stage and you see someone like Adele and everyone from the festival is there it's overwhelming because there's so many people but it's just an incredible it's just an incredible atmosphere but the best the best concert I've ever been to and and and and to be honest I've I've I I went to see all saints which obviously we'll brush over Glastonbury Glastonbury and then I went to see Eminem at Wembley when he was in London and he was there I think he did two nights and for me like growing up was probably like Oasis was for you Eminem was for me because that was my that was my era and all me and my friends we were listening to his music and we knew all the lyrics even though we shouldn't have and I got to see him especially because I was due to see him before he like he done he retired and I missed the opportunity so when it came round that he was doing like a two nights in Wembley and I did the first night and it was incredible because there was so much buzz. We me and my friend went up there we spent all day up there and there was all this buzz about who is going to bring out as a guest and everyone was saying it was going to be Rihanna because Rihanna had posted she's in London so everyone was like oh my god it's Rihanna and then Dr Dre come out and it was like it was Dr Dre but and it and and I was the first night so it was a surprise for everyone and I still think even if you were there on the second I think it was three nights even if you were there second night third night it would have been incredible but it wouldn't have been incredible as the first night not knowing that Dr Dre was going to come out who hadn't performed in years and he came out and they did like forgot about Dre and it was just the whole I can't even explain to you the hairs on my on my armour now are standing up now. It's not one of them moments in it yeah one of their moments is incredible so live music but for me I I spend a lot more time at live comedy so I'll go to comedy shows like seeing big you know like Ricky Gervais Ricky Gervais Romish Raganathan that's one of those I've never been to I've never been to a live comedy show got live comedy is so much better than comedy anywhere else like watching it on a DVD or TV whatever live comedy is just incredible because even if you see not a massive comedian comedy is comedy so yeah it's funny if you've got someone you know like Ricky Gervais or Romish Ranganathan for me are like my favourite comedians but I've seen comedians that are I've never heard of but I've laughed so much because you're in their world for just a little period of time and yeah yeah for me it's for me it's comedy but my my my guy with Billy Connolly I just love him oh my god legendary oh I was watching him last night um the story about the dwarf on the bus and I was just oh god it's no matter how many times you watched his some of his sketches they you know they don't get bored and they don't get old they're timeless um but yeah him and him for me and uh Lee Evans as well I like oh but I grew up on Lee Evans as well me and my friends would literally just replay like just act out all the Lee Evans sketches just that's constantly that and and the office when I got a little bit older the office and Ricky Vase but I think that's why comedy is so like deep rooted in me because I grew up that was my escape so whereas for a lot of people music is their escape like you say with like Oasis for me it was always comedy it was always comedy I would sit there and watch comedy every single night I'd be watching some form of comedy and that was my escape so I think that's why I like to use quite often dark humour in you know in situations that I probably shouldn't but that's just that's just how I people don't get that do they a lot of people don't get the dark humour but I think it's great. Yeah I think it's the problem with dark humour is there's always a line and you've got you for it to be dark humour you you know you've got to cross that line but it's like how far is acceptable and the problem is now in that generation we're in even if you're close to that line people don't like it. And it's like what do you know I mean you should you should be able to joke about anything it doesn't mean you're you're necessarily in agreement with something you're just you can make light of any situation.

SPEAKER_03: 46:20
I've done it about my marriage breakdown you know I've done I've done it it's yeah you in a way it's it's good that you're in a place you can do that though.

SPEAKER_04: 46:30
Yeah I mean I don't know sometimes I just yeah sometimes I don't know if I am in a place where I should but I just do anyway because that's my that's my nature is well if someone else is gonna say it I'd I'm gonna say it first. If someone's gonna think it I'm gonna say it first.

SPEAKER_03: 46:46
Yeah the thing is don't don't ever change don't ever change don't let anyone tell you otherwise it's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 46:54
In terms of music let's go back to your music so I I appreciate that's like an escape for you is it something that obviously you've had a couple of songs and what's the sort of goal for you are you is it just a hobby you're just quite happy yeah doing what you're doing I mean there's nothing but I mean I know this it's generated by AI but I write all the lyrics of the songs yeah and when you play it on a speaker that's got a very good bass on it and goes very loud you just think you're you're the bollocks.

SPEAKER_03: 47:28
Well when it's something you've created as well yeah you know some of it maybe a couple of songs of mine I think do you know what that'd be good in the charts you know some of the crap in the charts at the moment and it's like well I don't even know what's in the charts now because there's no like top of the pops or anything or anything like that anymore. But yeah cre creating something that I can listen to back and think yeah it's a pretty decent song I think it is anyway. Yeah what's the one you're most proud of there's one called the legend of red hand uh which hasn't been actually been released yet it's due to be released in September it's not part of an album that it's basically it's I this is gonna sound stupid I I imagine it's Red Dead Redemption the game because my son plays that a hell of a lot and I just wanted to write a story about a Wild West tale and that's basically what I did some guy lost his home in a war got it back you know the lyrics speak for themselves but yeah that when it kicks in when the drop goes the beats die and oh my god it's just uh I love it I love it and it's funny as well when you you're playing these songs and the kids come down to the kitchen when you listen to it and like they're singing along with the lyrics they know the lyrics because I played with that much that's incredible though but they they obviously like it the fact you might p play it a lot but they wouldn't be singing their lyrics if it didn't stick with them. Even my son Leah he's 19 he's written a couple of tracks on the album that's out loud in Spotify there's a track called Broken Lies and a track called The Devil Queen.

SPEAKER_04: 49:08
He wrote the lyrics for them and that's on the on the album I've got out was released earlier end of July and uh yeah he's um he's pretty good at lyrics as well he was in a band but not not for very long well that's what I was going to ask you that actually have any of the any have any of the children followed in your footsteps of being you know musically gifted or creative at all?

SPEAKER_03: 49:30
Well yeah Megan the the eldest daughter that I was talking to you about earlier she's just finished her degree in musical theatre oh wow so I think she wants to eventually I think she's taking a bit of time out at the moment but she wants to like teach um at universities musical theatre she's been a couple of shows local shows and stuff like that she's always going up to London to see shows yeah she she loves all that sort of stuff also my my one of my other girls Lucy she's 13 no 12 and but yeah she's an amazing artist she just draws and draws and draws she's going through that sort of gothic stage at the moment where it's all black and you know black eyeliner and all that sort of thing but yeah she's a very very talented artist I mean if she brings some of us drawings down I'll be sat in the garden and she'll come downstairs like Dad draw oh my god you know that's awesome it's like I couldn't even draw a stick man like that you know but yeah no I mean they're they're all talented in their own way yeah Jack you know he's he's just finished school he's going to college in September he's a huge gamer and some of the stuff that he can do on this might sound silly but on Minecraft some of the stuff he builds on there is ridiculous you know he spends hours and hours and hours on the yeah let's say they're all talented in their own way all of them and you know the one thing that makes me proud it's more than anything is when you get like people outside of the home like the school so aren't they aren't they really well behaved aren't they really polite? That's how they've been brought up not so much when they're at home totally different sometimes I'll say are you talking about the same person like on a parenting or something so you've got all that to come.

SPEAKER_04: 51:17
Yeah I'm really I'm not looking forward to that to be fair but I know because at home I know she pushes her boundaries she pushes she and she's got me wrapped around her finger so I know full well because when I speak to her teachers now they're like she's so well behaved she's she's the first one to tidy up at the end of the day. I'm like no she isn't she's never the first one to tidy up ever. She's the first one to make a mess.

SPEAKER_03: 51:38
But we wouldn't have them any other way no she's daddy's girl anyway isn't she I think that's one of my biggest fears is just her looking back and not not remembering me but not having those core memories of yeah of daddy and it just being with that's the thing with children you know people always you see all these things on Facebook and um pictures in newspapers people like spending hundreds and thousands of pounds on presents and things that they're never going to remember like it's the days out the little thing is just having a walk down to the beach or you know feeding the ducks this is all the stuff they remember they don't remember what I bought them for Christmas in 2005 or whatever it is you know and that's why I've always said to them you know they say oh Dad what am I getting for Christmas?

SPEAKER_04: 52:25
Not a lot because this and also this is a story I always tell them about Gordon Ramsay he's got all this money he buys his children one present every year because they appreciate it all that's good I like that I think that's that that sets good morals.

SPEAKER_03: 52:42
It does it does it means that they they don't think they can be spoiled that they don't grow up to think that they can be spoiled.

SPEAKER_04: 52:49
Yeah yeah I don't agree I don't agree with spending hundreds and hundreds of pounds on on a child because that's how their attitude will be as they grow up they'll think they can get whatever they want when they want yeah and that I think is difficult with divorce because a lot of divorced parents I've spoken to it's very difficult because not that it's competitive but you just you just you don't want to do better than the you don't want to yeah you you kind of don't want to feel like you haven't done as good as the other person but I think sometimes you just can't you know sometimes I've you know in social media it's it's you can earn lots and lots and lots of money and you can be a bit more frivolous with it and you can do nice things. Sometimes you're earning nothing you're earning nothing and you know what the important thing is just being present and having the the memories the important thing for me is whether I've got money or haven't got money is being able to be there for her. That's the important like that's all I want from this career of social media isn't to drive a Lamborghini or have a big mansion. I don't care where I live I don't care what I drive but I do care about having time with my little girl yeah that's what it's about totally absolutely yeah well look before we wrap up I always like to end because some of these chats ours has been quite lighthearted to be fair but I always like to end on something a bit more positive. So I always ask if you've got like a like a a go-to joke that you that you use or if you've had something funny that's happened in the last couple of weeks or a couple of months just something positive like a positive ending to the podcast really my nine year old daughter ran into a radiator the other day because she wasn't looking where she was going and she's so clumsy honestly she missed a step off the bus the other day because she had a a McDonald's happy meal in her hand and she literally face parted the pavement but then one of my other kids picked up the drink said save the drink Dan you know it's like it's just stupid stuff like that you just remember especially when it's your own kids as well oh yeah it's hilarious. I mean there's there have been a lot of funny moments trying to remember them when we put on the spot Dan no I know I like to I like to do that because then I like to get something raw out of out of people expect to talk about their their trauma and the sad things but it's nice to hear if there's like a yeah I think um with the the the mental health side of things you know that's I deal with that by I don't know just getting on with it.

SPEAKER_03: 55:22
I don't very often show emotion I mean the only time I really show have really broken down was when my dad right he was about a week from the passing away and I put us on and I shouldn't have done it was one more life by drinking park and I just broke down that was four years maybe four years ago this month. So yeah that's that was hard. It's funny because it was before he died I didn't I didn't cry when he died. Yeah I led it all out before and also at the funeral I didn't cry it's just that's I don't know that's just my mind's there.

SPEAKER_04: 56:02
But I think that's a lot of P a lot of men will do that. I think a lot I I don't think we I think we put pressure on ourselves that in those moments I don't know how to describe it best but it's like because I've been to a my nan and my granddad's humour and it's and it's you do you you feel yourself you're sad you know you're sad but you can't let people see you cry. So you sort of bottle it up and throw away the key and you just deal and you just deal with it.

SPEAKER_03: 56:26
But I think that's the hardest thing as well when when you've got children you don't want them to see you upset. Yeah yeah you know like now for instance sorry we're getting a bit more into the mental health side of things now you know my mum's got dementia um like you talk like you were talking about in another yeah and at the moment while she went to hospital just over a week ago because she had a fall in a uh little bungalow where she lives and um the carer came in at nine o'clock in the morning and she was led between the chest of drawers and the commode she got taken into hospital and now they've basically decided that you know she needs to move into a pedometric care home full time which luckily is just five minutes up the road from where she lives anyway so all her friends can still visit her but yeah we went to see her me and the wife went to see her on Monday.

SPEAKER_04: 57:20
I don't know there's another song that I wrote as well going back to it that just reminds me of her like I really find it difficult to listen to because it just reminds me of my mum yeah so they've got that going on at the moment constant contact with my brothers as well because they've obviously we're gonna have to clear the bungalow right yeah um I think you have to be if I if I if you don't mind me saying this and it's and you in and you are clearly dealing with all of this very well and I respect you for that but you've you've got to look after yourself as well because obviously there's there's a lot of and this is I I've got I'm conscious about like because I'm not in any position to give anyone any advice but where I where I hear a lot of people telling me they've got these support networks and obviously you've got quite a lot to deal with in your everyday life and you have this escape of music and you know you've got an incredible wife and incredible kids but who and I'm sure they are all there for you and you've said your daughter comes home and asks and stuff but it's just making sure you do have a support network and that that you know you you you don't just bottle these things up and that you are coping with it like I've not been told that so many times you know it but it's I don't know it's just in ingrained into me I suppose but it's not it's not you don't do it on purpose it's just it's one of those things.

SPEAKER_03: 58:41
Yeah it's it it's the funny thing is I get emotional when I think about a certain situation like with mum at the moment and then it's the music thing you listen to a certain song my dad's one was one more light you know I I can't if one of the kids puts it on I say can you just turn it off because I can't listen to it.

SPEAKER_04: 59:00
Yeah so I can I can relate to that I think I've I've had especially even with obviously your kids might it sounds like they're all older than than Harper and obviously Harper was only three when when we split but I didn't want her to see me cry but the problem was every single time for months not every time that's I'm being dramatic but a lot of the time when I would see Harper and Harper would come up to me and give me a cuddle or come and wake me up like I'd be so upset because I'd look in her eyes and think when is how much time am I going to have with you? Are you going to be taken away from me? Are you going to remember me? And it's hard and it's hard not to cry in those situations because I was I was a mess. I was just a mess for a long time and putting on this front that I was that I was okay to you know friends, family and the and social media I guess but then you know fast forward I there's songs that get hit me I've there's two actually and I think I talked about them in my last last episode but it was there's one by I think it's Beverly Beverly Somewhere Beverly, someone, and it's dancing in dancing in the sky, and it reminds me of my nan. Well, like every single time, and and I I'll tear up. And sometimes I'm not emotionally ready. I love remembering my nan and grandad, but sometimes I'm not emotionally I can't because if I comes on in the morning, that's my day's gone, my day's done, because I'll be thinking about my nan, which is which in some respects is nice, but I'd rather not kind of be really sad all day.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:30
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:00:30
And the other song is Emily by James Arthur, which he sung up for his little girl Emily, and it's I don't know if you've heard it, but it's it's a I think it's a beautiful song, and the way he sort of sings about sings about singing her to sleep and he'll be there for her, and it sort of gets me every time. And it's it's like if I'm I was going to another podcast the other day and it came on, and I was like, Nope, skip. I couldn't, I'll I couldn't like it's a lovely song, but I couldn't deal with that then. It's it's yeah, you know, too emotional.

SPEAKER_03: 1:01:01
That's the power of music as well.

SPEAKER_04: 1:01:02
That's the power of music, but it is nice as well, like it's it's it's not nice that these things happen, but it's nice that we do have music that it does remind us of you know, my my nan was it was years ago now that that I lost her and my granddad, uh but even these years on that that song will come on, and I'm sure it'll be the same for you. It's it's nice for all of us that we have music that can hit a chord and it can remind us of you know, happy happy times and people that we've lost.

SPEAKER_03: 1:01:30
Also, things like this help when you're doing this podcast. That helps. You know, people might not think that, but it does. Like I said, I don't really have that many people to talk to. And also as well. I feel like I can speak not openly, but about it to you because you've kind of been through that sort of stuff. With the kids and I don't want to be burdened. Yeah. They've got their own they've got their own things going on, you know, Dan's doing this again, he's talking about this all this. Yeah, I want them to see me happy and happy and being stupid with him all the time, all the time, just having a laugh, joking with them. Yeah, we have some real funny moments. And that's the household that I want to bring up, and I don't want to be looking round being depressed and miserable, and you know, I obviously I do get married, but then that's normally in the evening.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:18
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 1:02:18
And that's when I I lose myself in the music and when they're asleep. Well saying that they don't actually speak much at the moment because it's summer holidays. So yeah, they they're normally I'm normally in bed before they are that's summer holidays for you.

SPEAKER_04: 1:02:34
But I'm glad that I'm glad that the the podcast is somewhere where you feel like you can come on and you've been able to talk and speak freely, because I think that's all I can hope for this for anyone is that anyone that's whether they're coming on as as a guest to talk about their story or they're sat there, and there'll be people that are sat there listening thinking, I'm not ready, I'm not in that place, I'm not feeling strong enough that I can come on and talk about it, but at least I don't feel alone.

SPEAKER_03: 1:02:58
Well, from look sorry, from from looking at your other podcast, I mean obviously my issues are not as as deep as some other people's, but it's just nice to have a chat, you know.

SPEAKER_04: 1:03:07
Yeah, but but but this is the thing, it's it's it's some people I've spoken to have been through some of the worst things imaginable. Some some people have maybe not had it as bad as that person, but this is what I say earlier: it's it's not about comparing people's pain and what people have been through. It's by you maybe not speaking and not having a place where you've been able to come and open up, you you know, you don't want to get into a situation where you're you're bottling things up, and yeah, like I say, pain is pain ultimately, people's stories, people's stories. It's not everyone is is gonna have the same story, and I think that's the beauty of this podcast is that anyone can come on and anyone can come and have a chat with me about anything they want. And if that makes you feel better for an hour, and it whatever your story is, it's gonna help someone because what whatever you've gone through, someone's gonna sit there and relate in some manner, and they're hopefully gonna listen to that and think, Oh, okay, yeah, John well John went I'm going through the same thing as John went through, and or I feel the same way as he does, so I'm not on my own. It all helps.

SPEAKER_03: 1:04:07
Yeah, definitely, I totally agree with that. And uh what what made you get the idea for the podcast? Is there a particular thing?

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:13
Uh yeah, great question, to be fair, great question. It it's uh a tough So basically, since I posted a video 18 months ago which is the video you know we talked about earlier, I've probably received I probably received in that couple of days about 15,000 messages. Possibly more. I like I've never I've never even been able to go through them. I'll I'll I I would answer as many as I could and I would I'll always be quite open on my socials and my with my DMs. But what happened from there was there was just so many constantly now I'll get so many DMs and I'll spend so many hours of my day bearing in mind I'm trying to be a dad, I'm trying to create content because that's what is supposed to be making me money, but I'll spend so much time like talking to these people that are really struggling and they're saying like thank you for putting yourself out there and then thank you for taking time to talk to me. And I felt like there was a real not a disconnect, but I just felt like I can have a conversation with these people, but then it's kind of they feel better and they go on about their day. Hopefully, that's the hope that you know, because there's a lot of creators out there that are probably so busy they don't get time to do their own DMs, they've got a team and of people that do that for them, and I thought, all these people, there is still a slight disconnect. Uh how can I how can I help more people? And I thought, and and this has been in my mind for maybe a year before I started it, maybe a year, and I just thought I needed a way, I didn't know what it was gonna be. I was thinking of do I start a group, do I start a Facebook group, do I start doing like a weekly meeting in a coffee shop, do I start I did I just didn't know, and then I was sat in the gym one day and it was when I started going to the gym and I just kept receiving these DMs and I just I just thought what would be better than just having text conversations with people constantly is actually if these people that are talking to me reaching out, if they come and talk to me face to face, if we have if we do a podcast, we talk to people, I I can get people's real stories, we can connect a little bit more, and then we build a a kind of a support network for each other based around that. Yeah, it's a lot more personal, but it's a lot more personal to be able to sit here and make eye contact and have a real conversation that's not like if it's a text and someone's really struggling and they might not want to talk about it, they can just turn the phone off.

SPEAKER_03: 1:06:55
You can't see you can't tell what tone it's been saying. That's it.

SPEAKER_04: 1:06:59
That is it.

SPEAKER_03: 1:07:00
Whereas here and even if it's like I've always been one of these people that will bring somebody up and speak to them rather than send a message.

SPEAKER_04: 1:07:09
Yeah, I mean I I think we're in such a generation now of text messages and voice notes, and I think even voice notes are better than text because you can still hear someone's voice, you can hear the tone in what they're saying something. But for me, it it it it was the fact that I can sit and have a conversation and then it's it's not and it's called definitely not therapy, which is obviously a you know a bit of a a play on words, it's a bit because I'm never gonna be a serious, serious person. I'm always gonna want to have a laugh when I can, but it's being able to sit and have a chat, is it is in a way a therapy for me because I then get to talk to three or four different people every single week, have a little chat, and also I know that hopefully in some respects it's gonna help the person I'm talking to. But if it's not even helping the person I'm talking to, just by having a chat, it's gonna help you know a few other people, however, many, I don't know, but it's gonna help other people because some people are gonna sit they might only relate to one episode out of 20, but if they've related to one episode and it helps them feel less alone. Well, that's I've done my job, but it's been worth it. But yeah, my hope is that it reaches more and it helps more people, and I don't know where it where it can go, but you know, we'd we do it. I just thought, do you know what? Do it, do a podcast. My friend Al from episode one actually is a good friend of mine, he's just written and directed a f a short film. He just I was talking to him about it, and I was saying to him, This is what I'm gonna do, this is what I want to do, and he was like, just do it, just do it, get that you've got the stuff because you had a podcast before, switch it on, we'll record one tonight. And it was done. I was like, Okay, fine, I've done I'm in it, let's just do it. And then I've recorded 16. I've got like 20 more booked, and I'm sure I think that's the thing though.

SPEAKER_03: 1:08:49
If you just if you have too much time to think about it, you're not you you're gonna put it off and put it off. Yeah, be impulsive and just get on and do it, and yeah, yeah, and and here we are.

SPEAKER_04: 1:08:59
This is this is where we're at, and it's it's and it's good. I'm la I'm loving, I'm really enjoying making the podcast, and I think it's great hearing hearing people's stories and who put that can relate to what I've been through, and yeah, it's just it's it's it's good. I'm enjoying it. So I really appreciate you coming on and and and talking to me and being open about your story as well, John. Yeah, absolute pleasure. Nice one. Alright, well, we'll wrap it up there because it's been the camera's about to die. But thank you for joining me, mate, and uh stay in touch. If you can send me, I don't know if you'd mind send me uh the link. Uh there was a couple of songs that you mentioned that your son had written. It'll be not for the pod necessarily. I'm gonna use the the song that you sent just to play us out, but if you can send me a couple of the links to some of the other songs, it'd be interesting to hear them if that's alright. Yeah, yeah, sure. Amazing. Lovely. All right, John, but it's nice and cute. No worries, have a nice evening, mate. Yeah, Andy, buddy. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05: 1:09:55
It's definitely not therapy.

SPEAKER_04: 1:10:02
That was John. He uses music as an escape. I use comedy as an escape, and I think a lot of people we just need that sometimes. We need that escape. And John is clearly an old school character, he bottles things up, but he has a good support network around him, and he's just doing his best for his family. But you know, there's does not say there's a lot that he does have to deal with, and I think hopefully I've given him some good advice in the sense that he does need to open up sometimes, he does need to kind of let that support network help him rather than just being like, This is just the way I am, you know. I just bottle things up and I do my music in the evening because as much as he's dealing with it really well, I think we all just need someone to check in with us now and again and say, Is everything okay? Are you okay? I I guess for Johnny's got his daughter that comes home every day and she's like, Are you okay, dad? Are you okay, dad? And that's and that's nice, and that shows that the younger generation and his kids are being brought up in a in a manner in which they are caring and they are asking and they are checking in with each other. So yeah, I really appreciate you guys watching and I appreciate you guys listening to the podcast. Thank you for all the support. And if you're interested in coming on and talking to me about your story, whatever that might be, email me at only danlawrence at gmail.com. Thanks again, and we'll see you in the next episode.