34. The Stress Spiral Affecting Your IVF Outcomes (And How to Break It)

If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake at 2am Googling symptoms…
spiralling after an appointment…
overthinking every little thing your body is doing…
or feeling emotionally consumed by IVF…

…this episode is for you.

Because IVF is not just physically demanding.
It’s emotionally demanding too.

And so many women are trying to support fertility while quietly stuck in survival mode.

In this episode, I’m breaking down:
• the hidden “stress spiral” many IVF women get trapped in
• how chronic stress impacts the nervous system, hormones & emotional resilience
• why “just relax” is terrible fertility advice
• the difference between survival mode vs safety in the body
• my Circle of Woe™ vs Circle of Flow™ framework
• the real reason you may feel emotionally exhausted during IVF
• the nervous system tool I personally use when I feel anxious, overwhelmed or spiralling
• practical ways to support your body in real life

And honestly?
This might be one of the most important conversations we can have as women navigating IVF.

Because your body is not broken.

And you do not need to shame yourself into healing.

🤍 WANT MORE PERSONALISED SUPPORT?

I’ve recently opened up a small number of Wilde IVF Clarity Sessions.

These are personalised 90-minute sessions for the woman who feels emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, stuck in survival mode, or unsure what her body actually needs right now.

Inside these sessions, we look at the FULL picture together:
• nervous system stress & emotional overwhelm
• fertility prep foundations
• lifestyle & regulation support
• what may quietly be draining your energy
• how to stop feeling like you need to do EVERYTHING perfectly
• creating a grounded, realistic plan that actually fits your season of life

You’ll leave with:
• clearer direction
• practical next steps
• nervous system support tools
• renewed confidence in your decisions
• and the feeling that you’re no longer trying to figure this all out alone

Because sometimes you don’t need more information.

You need support.
Clarity.
And someone to help you feel held through this process.

And honestly?
It’s some of my favourite work I get to do.

So if this feels supportive to you, jus

If you’re craving a little extra support, I’ve got some beautiful free resources to get you started.

You can grab my IVF Prep Checklist here:
https://abiwilde.myflodesk.com/ivf-prep-checklist

And if you’re in that in-between, the waiting, the overthinking… I’ve also created a Two-Week Wait Support Kit to help you feel more grounded:
https://abiwilde.myflodesk.com/two-week-wait

If you’d like more personalised support, you can book a free 30-minute IVF support call with me here:
https://calendly.com/abi-wilde/30min

We can chat through your fertility journey and what your next steps could look like.

I’m creating something really special… BLYOOM — a supportive app for women trying to conceive, with nervous system tools to hold you through the real moments… the two-week wait, negative tests, pregnancy announcements… all of it.

If that feels like something you need right now, you can join the waitlist here:
https://abiwilde.myflodesk.com/blyoom-waitlist

And if you want more, come hang out with me on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/abi.wilde

It’s where I share free tips, tools, and fertility support for whole-body ...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Hey beautiful, and welcome back to another episode of The Wild Way. I am so glad that you're here today because I honestly think this is a conversation so many women desperately need right now. And today we're talking about stress and IVF and nervous system regulation and all that cool stuff and why you might be feeling like you are absolutely drowning during this journey sometimes. And before we dive in, I just want to say something really important, okay? This is not going to be one of those episodes where somebody tells you to just relax and you'll get pregnant. That is absolutely not the vibe here, okay? Because honestly, you are probably already putting enough pressure on yourself, okay? And the last thing that you need is to hear another oversimplified piece of advice that makes you feel like you're somehow failing at being calm enough. No, this is about understanding what's actually happening in your body when you are living in chronic stress and hypervigilance and overwhelm and uncertainty and survival mode. And more importantly, I want to give you something really practical, okay? A simple tool that you can use in real life, in real time, when you feel yourself spiraling, when you feel overwhelmed, when your body feels tight, okay, when your mind won't stop racing. Because this is not about becoming perfectly calm. It's about helping your body feel supported again. Because if you're trying to conceive right now, chances are you are carrying a lot. All of that uncertainty, all of that pressure, the timelines, the disappointment, the fear, the grief, along with hormone shifts and appointments and injections and financial stress. Do I need to go on? The comparisons, all of that information overload. And eventually your body starts responding to that load as well. Because the body always keeps the score. And when your nervous system feels like it's constantly under pressure, eventually everything starts costing more emotionally, okay, more mentally, more physically. And honestly, I think this is the hardest part of this journey is that you can quietly start believing that you're somehow failing emotionally at all of this. Like maybe you're too anxious or too emotional or too overwhelmed or stressed or too sensitive, or like everyone else is coping better than you are. And if that is you right now, I really want you to hear me. Your body is not responding this way because you are weak, okay? It's responding because you've been carrying a lot. And honestly, this is one of the biggest things women realize inside my clarity sessions. Okay, they're not failing, they're overwhelmed, and there's a difference. So let's talk about what's actually happening. One of the frameworks that I teach is something called the circle of woe. And honestly, once you see this pattern, you can't unsee it. So the circle of woe looks like this: it all starts with stress, which then leads on to hormone dysregulation, and then that leads on to inflammation and immune dysregulation as well. So we're talking about fatigue and poor coping, and then more stress. And this just goes round and round and round and round. And the hardest part is you probably think the answer is just simply to push harder, more discipline, more control, and maybe more perfection. But when your nervous system is in overload, force usually creates more exhaustion. And the thing is, stress is not just emotional stress. Your body sees all of these things as stress. We're talking poor sleep, blood sugar crashes, overthinking, inflammation, hypervigilance, okay, undereating even, maybe even doom-scrolling fertility forums at 11 p.m. Even dealing with like emotional trauma from your fertility journey or all the perfectionism that comes with that, and your relationship stress, okay, and the constant uncertainty. So, to your nervous system, a panic spiral at 2 a.m. and a blood sugar crash can both feel like danger signals. And when your nervous system perceives danger, your body shifts into survival. And survival mode is exhausting because survival mode sounds like I just need to push harder, I just need to hold it together, I just need to do more, I just need to stay positive. Does this ring any bells? Whereas safety sounds like, I'm allowed to support myself through this. I am allowed to slow down, I'm allowed to stop fighting my body so hard. And honestly, you might be trying to support your fertility while still completely trapped inside survival mode. Still bracing, still gripping, still trying to outrun fear with perfection. Trying to support your body while simultaneously fearing every symptom and micromanaging every sensation. And beautiful, you cannot shame your body into feeling safe. Now, the opposite of the circle of woe is what I call the circle of flow. She's a little saucier. So safety creates regulation, okay? And regulation supports resilience and hormones function better. Your nervous system feels steadier, okay? You cope better. And the beautiful thing is your body can learn safety again. And I'm not talking about overnight, and I'm not talking about perfection or anything like that. I'm just talking about gently over time through repeated moments of safety and support. So this brings me to the anchor reset, because this is the exact framework that I personally come back to when I feel myself spiraling or an overload. And it's simple, okay, which is so important because when your nervous system is activated, complicated usually does not help. So this is usually the point in my clarity sessions when women physically just start to have a little exhale because for the first time they are realizing, oh, maybe I don't need to fight myself quite so hard. So let's go through it. A is for acknowledge what's happening. So first we name what is happening. I feel anxious, I feel overwhelmed, I am spiraling. This feels really triggering for me. And this matters because you probably immediately jump to like fixing or googling or catastrophizing or just going into crazy research mode like I used to go into. Or maybe you're suppressing. But naming emotions creates space. And to be fair, I know this feeling really well from my own RBF journey because there was definitely a period where my brain would just spiral. The constant like, what if this never happens for me? What if I do all of this and it still doesn't work? And honestly, you might actually live inside that fear too. So if you do, please hear this. You are not failing because you're emotional. You are having a human response to uncertainty. And that makes complete sense. Okay, so N is notice and orient. Okay, now I want you to look around the room, okay? Notice the light, okay, the colors in the room, maybe the floor beneath you, or the chair that's holding you, any sounds around you. This helps bring your nervous system back into the present moment. Then start to notice where are you feeling this in your body? Okay. Is it in your chest? Is it in your jaw? That's where I usually hold it. Is it in your throat or your stomach or your shoulders? And I remember during IVF, there was so much bracing in my body, especially around doing like things like the injections. I would already wake up feeling so uneasy because I knew I had to do another needle. And originally, I actually thought that Chris would maybe do my injections for me. But it turns out that I am way too much of a control freak for that. He could not come near me. I would just like shimmy away. So I had to do them myself. Okay, and maybe that's you as well. But there was like this constant kind of stress all the time. Like my body was always preparing for something. And this is important because these sensations are data, they're not necessarily danger. Then C is for calm the breath. Okay, now that's nothing complicated, right? That sounds simple. And it is simple, okay? Because all you really need to do is inhale for four and exhale for six, or simply focus on making your exhale softer and longer than your inhale. Longer exhales help to communicate safety to your nervous system. So this is something I personally do constantly through my day, okay? Not giant hour-long wellness rituals. Okay, I don't have time for that. These are tiny micro moments. So maybe just a few slow breaths while the kettle is boiling, or standing barefoot outside, or just taking a moment to watch my son Jack just play in the garden, that mindfulness moment, or getting sunlight onto my eyes in the morning. I love that. I love getting outside first thing in the morning. Okay. These little nervous system exhale moments, these all stack up. Because regulation is not always these like giant wellness routines. Like you don't need to become some sort of perfect wellness goddess to support your nervous system. That is just so not where it's at. And this work is not supposed to become another thing. You have to perform perfectly either. This is support for your body, not another impossible standard that you have to adhere to. And honestly, helping women create realistic nervous system support for real life is a huge part of what I do inside these clarity sessions. So then we get to H, okay? So H is hold and support your body. How to physically support yourself. And that might look like putting your hand on your heart for a moment, or maybe your hand on your womb, or maybe just wrapping yourself in a nice warm blanket and feeling that beautiful security and warmth. Maybe it's legs up the wall for five minutes while doing some deep breathing. Or maybe like just holding a nice warm tea in both of your hands and having a nice inhabit of whatever that delicious tea is. It might be as simple as just enjoying your warm shower, you know, maybe just feeling what that actually feels like on your skin, or just taking some beautiful breaths in there. Because so many of us are trying to think ourselves into safety, yeah? And research ourselves into safety and control ourselves into safety and perfect ourselves into safety. But safety is something that your body has to feel. So O is for offload and reduce input. This is where we release tension and reduce stimulation. So first up, move the stress through the body, okay? Maybe shake your arms, okay? Maybe stretch, maybe go do some stretching on or do some yoga on your yoga mat. Maybe go for a nice long nature walk, or maybe just like physically dance it out like a crazed warrior, you know? Or have an ugly cry, you know, a big emotional, ugly cry. A big emotional ugly cry, okay? Even just changing rooms and changing the scenery or stepping outside, just move your body, okay? Because stress is designed to move. And then reduce the input, okay? Close the tabs, put down the phone, okay? Leave the fertility forum, turn the podcast off. Turn this podcast off if you need to. Maybe even stop tracking incessantly for like, you know, I know so many of you have got like all these beautiful tech devices, which can be so helpful, but it can actually start to create like so much more stress in your body, and you don't even realize that it's happening because you're just constantly thinking about like what your hormones are doing or what your body temperature is doing, you know? So we just want to reduce the noise and just maybe disconnect for a little bit. Not disconnect from yourself, but just disconnect from everything else that's creating noise in your world. Okay, because this is also one of the biggest things I've personally had to become aware of. Because I used to think like more input was helping me, more podcasts, more research, more learning. Okay, I was ripping through literature at a rapid rate, more trying. But eventually my nervous system was like, please, babe, enough. Okay, because I am very sensitive to overstimulation. So there are a couple of things that I've had to become really aware of. So when I notice that I'm feeling really overloaded and overstimulated, Netflix at night like absolutely does not help me. It just doesn't. I wish it did, but it doesn't. So instead, I'll maybe do things like have a sauna or maybe a nice hot ipsom salt bath. I will reduce blue light at night. I will wear my blue light blocking glasses. And I'll avoid screens before bedtime because I just know that my body just doesn't respond well to them. Sometimes I will literally walk around my house at night with a candle instead of turning bright lights on. I just find them so offensive. And I know that sounds a bit cavewoman of me, but you know, it's just really calming. Okay, you should give it a whirl, give it a go. It's actually amazing. Try it for like three nights. Challenge accepted. Or I might even just sit in my nursing chair, okay, and just like look out at the trees in silence at night. No podcast, no phone, no stimulation, no music, no input. Sometimes healing is not about adding more, sometimes it's about reducing the noise. Okay, and finally, R stands for return to one safe step. And this part is really important because when your nervous system is overwhelmed, your brain starts trying to solve everything all at once. You start spiraling about like your next appointment and your next cycle or the next test that you're gonna do, or you know, what next month looks like and your next outcome and all the future stuff, right? Like the what-ifs. And your nervous system starts feeling like it's drowning in uncertainty. So instead of trying to solve your entire fertility journey in one moment, I want you to come back to one safe supportive step. Maybe that looks like you know, just drinking a glass of water, or eating something nourishing, or just stepping outside for some fresh air, taking your supplements maybe, or having a nice warm shower, making a tea, texting somebody that you love, or phoning somebody that you want to chat to. So there's so many little things that you can do. So just one grounded supportive action. And the reason this matters is not because drinking a glass of water magically fixes your fertility journey, obviously not. Because your nervous system needs evidence that you are safe right now, not six months from now, not once you finally have the outcome that you want, not once you stop feeling anxious. Okay, now. And these small supportive actions, they help interrupt the spiral, they help bring your brain and body back into the present moment instead of catastrophizing about the future. Because when you're spiraling, your nervous system is often trying to scan for danger and regain control. So returning to one grounded supportive action helps communicate: I'm here. I'm safe enough right now. I can support myself through this moment. And that matters way more than you realize. Because true regulation is not about controlling every outcome. It's about helping your body feel supported through uncertainty. And honestly, one of the things that helped soothe my nervous system most during IVF was reminding myself I will become a mama somehow. Whether that was IVF or donut eggs or adoption or fostering, I just knew in my heart that I would stop at nothing to become a mama somehow. And I honestly think that softened some of the terror for me because uncertainty is so hard for the nervous system. Because true safety is not like I can guarantee the outcome. True safety is I can support myself through whatever happens next. And honestly, that changes everything because your body is not broken. Okay. And the beautiful thing about the nervous system is that it is adaptive, which means your body can absolutely learn more safety, more steadiness and resilience and capacity. You are not permanently stuck here. The goal is not perfection, the goal is learning to support your body through this process, through this season of your life, and beyond, because you're probably already exhausted from trying to earn the safety through perfection, trying to do everything right, trying to optimize everything, trying to control every variable, okay? Trying to be the perfect fertility patient. And babe, you do not need to become perfect to deserve support. Maybe today your job is simply to create one small moment of safety. One moment where your body feels supported instead of pressured. One moment where you stop trying to force and you start trying to soften. One moment where your nervous system gets to just chill for a little bit. And those little moments matter way more than you realize. So I want to thank you so much for being here, beautiful. And honestly, if no one has told you this lately, you are doing better than you think you are, okay? I know this journey can feel consuming sometimes. I know how lonely it can feel and heavy and mentally exhausting. I know what it feels like to overthink every symptom and every timeline and every tiny little thing your body is doing. But I really hope this episode reminded you that your body is not broken and your nervous system deserves support through this process too. And if you're listening to this and thinking, okay, this is me, I feel completely overwhelmed, I don't know what my body needs anymore, I feel stuck in survival mode. This is exactly the kind of work that I support women through inside my Wild RBF Clarity sessions. These are personalized 90-minute sessions where we look at the full picture together. Okay, not just fertility, but your stress load, your nervous system, your emotional overwhelm, your lifestyle, your fertility foundations, and what support realistically looks like for your life and season right now. Because most women don't need more pressure and more information. They need clarity, they need support, and they need help with implementation. And maybe they need somebody to just stop them drowning and all the information and finally feel held through this process. This is some of my favorite work I get to do. So if this feels supportive to you, you can just DM me the word clarity on Instagram and we can chat about whether it feels like the right fit for you. And if this episode felt supportive to you, I would absolutely love it if you shared it to your Insta stories or tagged me or send it to a woman who needs this reminder that she is not broken. So thank you so much for being here. I love you so much. I am so here for you. Anytime you need, you can just hop into my DMs and I will see you in a couple of weeks.