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Just Breathe Confessionals
Just Breathe Confessionals is a raw, reflective podcast where personal stories meet emotional growth, healing, and truth-telling. Each episode invites listeners into moments of becoming—through heartbreak, self-discovery, and the quiet power of breath.
Just Breathe Confessionals
Tiny Hearts, Big Emotions
Remember when your stomach would flip over one smile from your crush? When sitting next to them at lunch felt like winning the lottery? Before heartbreak had a name, those seemingly tiny feelings were actually enormous – they felt like the whole world.
In this deeply nostalgic journey through childhood crushes, I'm rewinding to those pure, awkward, beautiful first feelings that shaped how we learned to connect. From my childhood best friend with cochlear implants who became my first crush at age six, to the complicated dance of being a tomboy who secretly wanted the boys I played soccer with to see me as more than "one of them." Those early connections taught us something profound about vulnerability – that even asking "want to borrow my crayon?" requires putting your heart on the line.
Celebrity crushes offered a different kind of emotional outlet. Remember plastering your walls with Dream Street posters? Or feeling betrayed when your Disney Channel crush (Ryan Merriman from Smart House, anyone?) suddenly appeared as a villain in a teen drama years later? These parasocial relationships weren't just childish obsessions – they were safe spaces to explore feelings before risking them in real life. And those yearbooks with tiny hearts drawn around certain photos? They weren't just about romance – they were about possibility, about learning we're capable of hope even when nothing's happening yet.
Whether you were a Jesse's girl too or had your own unique path through childhood infatuation, this episode celebrates the soft hearts and big dreams that came before complicated adult relationships. These formative experiences taught us how to hope, imagine, and connect – lessons that stay with us long after the yearbooks close and the posters come down. Take a moment to remember someone you once adored, even if it was only in your head, and honor how those feelings helped shape who you are today.
Did you ever circle faces in your yearbook or hang posters of a Disney Channel crush on your wall and swear it meant something Same? I'm Daria and this is Just Breathe Confessionals. Today we're rewinding to first crushes, awkward laughs and the big feelings hidden in little moments. Because here's the thing those tiny crushes didn't feel tiny at the time. They felt like the whole world. One smile could flip your stomach. Sitting next to them at lunch felt like winning the lottery. It was innocent before heartbreak had a name, before we knew what love would eventually cost us. So today let's go back to doodled hearts, awkward flirting, celebrity posters on the wall and, of course, the boy who became my very first crush.
Speaker 1:There was this boy I was really close with growing up in Santa Rosa. We played for hours losing track of time, making up wild stories living in our own little world. Wild stories living in our own little world. He had cochlear implants, though at five years old I didn't know what those were. I just knew he had things in his ear to help him hear. What I didn't realize then was that he was teaching me how to listen With him. You slow down without noticing, you pause so he can read your lips. You look right at him so he doesn't miss a thing. He taught me to listen with my whole body, not just my ears.
Speaker 1:Somewhere between the games and the laughter he became my first, before I even knew what a kiss meant. It was innocent and sweet, one of those kid moments that sticks for years. I didn't even think of it as a first kiss until I was older and thought wait, does that even count? Did I actually have a boyfriend at six years old? When I look back now, I think we really might have been a married couple at six years old, but honestly, it was just this beautiful little bond full of imagination and care. Before life got complicated, before I had the language for what connection even meant. That first crush was simple, but as I got older, things got more complicated. Suddenly it wasn't just laughing and playing, it was liking someone and not knowing what to do about it. I remember sitting next to a crush and forgetting how to breathe, my palms sweaty from holding a pencil, overthinking if I should laugh or not, then laughing weird and overthinking the laugh itself. At that age, flirting was just existing in the same space and hoping they noticed Lending them a crayon, picking them as your partner in kickball, saying their name just a little louder than necessary. It makes me laugh now, but honestly, that awkwardness taught me something Crushes remind us that connection is a risk. You put your little heart out there, even if all you're saying is want to borrow my crayon? Maybe that's still how love works. Want to borrow my crayon? Maybe that's still how love works, just bigger, messier versions as we grow up.
Speaker 1:After all that awkwardness in real life, celebrity crushes felt like such a relief. They didn't require me to do anything. They were perfect, untouchable, living on my TV screen and bedroom walls. The first one that comes to mind Ryan Merriman, the boy from Smart House and luck of the Irish. He had the perfect Disney Channel look A little attitude and always saving the day. Then, years later, I'm a teenager watching Pretty Little Liars and suddenly there he is, my floppy-haired Disney Channel crush, now a creepy, suspicious guy in the show. It was so weird because in my head he was still stuck in Smart House saving the day. I just sat there like wait is my childhood crush evil on the show. My Disney Channel bubble had officially burst. But that's how life works, isn't it? The people we put on pedestals turn out to just be people. Sometimes they're nothing like we imagined. Crushes teach us about projection what we hope for versus what's really there. Then there was Eric Von Denton. You know the guy from Brink and then Princess Diaries. He was the skater boy before. Skater boys were really cool.
Speaker 1:Peak, early 2000s, dream boy, energy and, of course, dream Street. If you don't know who Dream Street is, pause this podcast, go look him up. I'll wait. Okay, dream Street was this boy band In the early 2000s. Jesse McCartney was the star, obviously, and yes, I was a thousand percent a Jesse's girl. That blonde hair, that voice, the way he hit those high notes in it Happens Every Time I was gone. I had the CDs. I knew the dances, posters on the wall, serious business. But while the celebrity crushes lived on TV and CD covers, the real-life ones were quieter. They showed up in tiny gestures. Looking back, it's funny how much weight we gave to things that seemed so small.
Speaker 1:At that age you weren't thinking about crushes the way you do later. You just got excited when they said your name or asked to sit next to you on the school bus. Nothing was straightforward. There was no hey, I like you. Instead it was coded signs borrowing your pencil, trading you a fruit roll-up, sitting beside you when other seats were wide open. We just accepted it. Emotional charades with no one explaining the rules. Honestly, sometimes I think adult relationships aren't that different. We're still trading little signals and hoping the other person reads them right.
Speaker 1:For me it was even trickier because I was a tomboy. I had more boy best friends than girl best friends, which meant most of my crushes were on the same boys I was racing scooters with or kicking soccer balls around with. I was climbing trees, playing soccer, riding bikes, getting grass stains on my knees and most of the time the boys saw me as one of them. Don't get me wrong. I loved being included, but part of me wanted to shout no, see me as a girl, I could be your girlfriend. This was the 90s Peak boy hair era Floppy cuts, spiked frosted tips, gelled bangs Sharp enough to poke your eye out. And there I was secretly crushing on the same boys I was racing scooters with. It was a push and pull, wanting to be taken seriously as one of the team, but also secretly wishing one of them would pass a note and tell me I looked pretty Spoiler. That didn't happen much when you were out there sweating and sliding in the mud.
Speaker 1:Eventually I wondered why did crushes have to be so complicated? Why couldn't they just be simple? Think about it. When you're little, people actually tell you that if a boy picks on you, it means he likes you. Why was that the rule? Why couldn't he just say it? Why did everything have to mean two things at once? It was like learning a backwards language for feelings before we even knew the regular one.
Speaker 1:The wild part is those lessons stick. No wonder adults sometimes confuse attention with affection or tolerate behavior that doesn't feel good, because deep down we were taught early on that love might not always look like kindness, which meant a lot of mixed signals like does him throwing a pencil at me in math mean he likes me or that he just doesn't? Should I be mad, flattered or both? Maybe that's why I had so many crushes. It wasn't about whether they liked me back. Half the time I couldn't even tell. But in my head, oh, I was convinced. Just ask my yearbooks.
Speaker 1:Every year I'd go through and draw hearts next to the boys I thought were cute, and when you're young and hormonal, that's like every boy. Half my yearbook looked like a wedding guest list. In my head. Those hearts meant something Like if one of them ever saw it, we'd end up dating. Meanwhile, those yearbooks are in a box in my garage, so there was zero chance anyone would ever see them.
Speaker 1:The truth is, those little hearts weren't actually about romance. They were about possibility. Crushes gave my imagination somewhere to go. Maybe that's what they're really for Reminding us we're capable of hope even when nothing's happening. Yet. Those little hearts were just imagination on paper, but they captured something bigger, a tiny version of me learning what it meant to care. Looking back, she didn't know heartbreak yet, and maybe that was a gift. So yeah, from childhood kisses I didn't understand to skater boys, boy bands and childhood crushes and Disney crushes, my younger self really knew how to feel. Tiny hearts really do hold big emotions. Even if most childhood crushes never went anywhere, they taught us how to hope, how to imagine, how to connect, and those lessons stay with us long after the yearbooks are closed. Thanks for hanging out with me today. I hope I reminded you of someone you once adored, even if it was only in your head and if you were a Jessie's girl too. Welcome to the club. Soft hearts, big dreams and all Until next time. And all, until next time, just breathe.