Identity and the Hidden Cost of Being Seen

In this week's episode, we will discuss the components that make up one's identity. We will also explore how individuals' quest for external validation plays a significant role in shaping their perceptions of themselves and their sense of self-worth. Additionally, we will examine the reasons behind the desire for visibility and discuss the mental health implications associated with it. Finally, we will emphasize the importance of understanding that true identity stems from authenticity—not a carefully curated image.

References:

SimplyPsychology. (2025). What Is Perfectionism? Signs, Impact, & How To Overcome. https://www.simplypsychology.org/what-is-perfectionism.html

StassOn. (2023). The  Impact of Social Media on Self-Identity Formation. https://www.stasson.org/the-impact-of-social-media-on-self-identity-formation-a-psychological-and-sociological-perspective/

Positive Psychology. (2025). Impostor Syndrome Explained: Why High Achievers Struggle. https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-imposter-syndrome/

TedTalks. (2023, February 15). The Human Need for Belonging [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nlcpVAAZ0k

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi there everyone, welcome to another episode of Beyond the Surface. This is Betsy, your host. So lately I've been having a lot of conversations with friends and family, and they all circle back to the same topic, which is identity. So guess what? That's exactly what we're going to further dive into today. So today I'm going to be exploring the concept of identity and how sometimes trying to maintain a given agenda regarding who we are and what we display to the world can cost us our sense of peace and just our sense of authenticity and realness with who we truly are. So alrighty, let's start getting into this. So first and foremost, I want to address the difference between image and identity. So when we talk about image, it pertains to what is at surface level, right? So what we show to the world. So it's kind of the mask you present to the people around you. What's on the exterior versus identity tends to do more with what's inside or internal. According to psychology today, identity refers to the memories, the experiences, relationships, and values that generate one's sense of self. So to make it a little bit easier to visualize and just understand this concept, think of identity as a luggage that you carry when you travel to a given destination. So when you're going to the airport, you always take a luggage with you, right? Because we all know that when we come back from a trip, we like to bring goodies back with us, and just in order to move from one place to another, you need to have a space to just carry your clothes and your belongings. So when you go from one place to another, when you're traveling, right, from destination to destination, you collect a series of experiences with you. And that could be relating to music, food, languages, ideals, social interactions that you have at your location. So that shapes your memory of the trip. Once you go back home, you're able to relive these experiences by either remembering them in your mind, treasuring a souvenir you purchased at the given location, or even by recounting the memories to somebody else. So the fact that the travel experience was vivid and memorable is actually a key indicator that it moved you or it had an imprint on you. And this is very similar to identity that to some extent defines who you are and your life. So where does our sense of identity stem from? Based on an article written in the WeCreate Institute, it mentions how there are three main components that make up identity. So the first one is how you view yourself, the second one is how others view you, and the third one is how you act based on others' perceptions of you. So this one is the interaction between what lies inside and the external world. Other factors also influence this process and they include culture and symbols or images. So for example, in Eastern cultures, this kind of culture highlights the importance of finding your sense of identity through shared cultures or experiences. So it has more of a collectivist point of view, versus Western cultures emphasize the individual and pushes them to take a journey inwards in search for their meaning of identity by finding their life's true calling or purpose. So it's more of an individualistic point of view. In terms of symbols and images, there are certain symbols and images that represent a given part of our identity. So something that's very general is when you see a flag, right? It traces you back to your roots. So for example, I'm Cuban, I see the Cuban flag, it brings flashbacks of when I was a kid in Cuba, and you know, Cuban music playing, having big family parties with friends and loved ones, and just sharing a good laugh and all these moments, right? So it could be that for you, it could be a traditional food that takes you back to your childhood or a time that you travel with your best friend, etc. So all these factors influence our sense of identity. Now, what is the main difference between internal identity versus external identity? So internal identity refers to the ideal image of who you are and who you hope to be. So this is the identity you wish to show to the world around you. This concept tends to be created as a result of you journeying through life and using past experiences as well as emotional interactions as points of reference, and this aids the process to you becoming more aware of who you are. Whereas external identity is based on how others interpret who you are and your public image, is a result of how you look and how you act, but it's more so from an external aspect versus an internal aspect. This brings me actually to the next point. Why do we crave to be recognized? So, why do humans want to be seen so badly? For one, humans have a deep need for recognition and belonging. In her TED Talk, Child Welfare Veteran, Amelia Frankman mentions how since a young age, we have this relentless need to feel claimed and accepted. It is one of our psychological needs. In fact, belonging is what makes us feel safe and at home. Being able to have this sense of belonging is what allows us to connect and interact with the world around us with much more ease, comfort, and success. So you're not technically functioning or operating out of survival mode, instead, you're creating that connection in a way that flows naturally. Or at least this is the goal, right? Now the question tends to lie on how a lack of sense of belonging from a safe place can negatively impact our lives. So sometimes, unfortunately, when people don't receive true care and genuine connection from a safe place, a place that feels like home, they tend to rely on creating or seeking the very same thing from other sources. It could be addictions, it could be relating or being surrounded with the wrong crowd of people, or maybe craving acceptance from social media platforms, which is very much common nowadays. So social media is growing, amplifying the desire for visibility. This is like the trending topic nowadays. This is when you have a large number of people that are constantly posting on social media platforms to be seen or become known, right? So everybody wants to be known nowadays, everybody wants to be famous, everybody craves that connection, that sense of external validation. However, there comes a fine line where people need to reflect on how much exposure is too much exposure, and whether the reason behind posting is more closely knitted with a hunger for attention and recognition, or is it more so out of genuine appraisal of oneself and one's craft? So are you desperately looking for likes and approval, or are you authentically catering to others what you actually believe and are passionate about? So the intention is huge. Asking yourself, what is my intention for doing these things, displaying these things on a virtual platform, or just showcasing what I'm showcasing? In fact, in an article written by Victoria Beruman, which a lot of our articles focus on psychology and sociology, the quest for social approval can actually foster a cycle of comparison, self-doubt, and anxiety. We see it all the time. People are already comparing themselves as is, especially in this generation, but more so on online social media platforms. False portrayals of idealized lives on social media can actually magnify feelings of inadequacy. And this tends to create a disconnect between one's real life and the life that is crafted digitally. I think there comes a point where people are trying to almost curate their lives to the extent where they no longer recognize it's almost like what their real life feels like versus what their digitalized life feels like. So this is where the whole identity crisis comes in because they lose touch with themselves and what they're truly liking or what they're truly loving in the moment, just because they want to feel seen and accepted. So this brings me on to the next thing to discuss or talk more about, which is are you living for likes instead of personal fulfillment? So what are you seeking? Likes and validation or something that truly fulfills you and makes you feel wholesome. So as humans' desire to feel included or liked increases, a lot of times their concept of who they are might be part of a given agenda, meaning that they end up adjusting their self-concept to fit the mold the media approves of. Then something to reflect on might be considered, which is what is the weight of permanence of online identities. So as people tend to interact online, a digital footprint is generated regarding social media posts, comments, and even likes. And this can be relating to beauty standards, comedy, spiritual content, just a big or a large scope of things. The fact that the individuals or the people engaging in this activity are aware that their digital footprint is constantly being adjusted and visible to the public eye can actually result in a lot of anxiety and an immense pressure to curate content. So this can actually lead to people censoring their true interests from being openly displayed in order to basically configure or adjust their likes or what they're displaying in order for others to make them feel like they're liked or they're worthy of their attention. So now we're going to dive deeper into the hidden costs of being seen. So one of the main concerns that people face when it comes to being in the public eye, especially when it comes to social media, is fear of judgment and criticism. It makes sense. Think of it. It's nerve-wracking as is to open up and reveal parts of yourself to somebody, especially in this case, someone close to you. So imagine doing so amongst the number of people that are tracking your every move on an online platform. The need to keep up with given appearance or others' expectations can have detrimental effects on people's mental health. So some of the most common psychological effects that people face include, one, perfectionism. According to an article posted on Simply Psychology, now more than ever, people have a higher tendency to set unrealistic standards for themselves and others, where their sense of self-worth is closely tied to flawless performance and little to no mistakes. This is what is known as perfectionism. We can probably attest to the fact that perfectionist tendencies have gone up since the digital age transformed our lives. Regardless of people's attempt to be the best and just perform at their optimum, they still feel defeated when they compare themselves to others. We all know that the comparison game is real, and so is the next phenomenon which I'm going to get further into, which is imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome refers to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, especially when it comes to success and just meeting certain goals and expectations. Based on data gathered on an article found in Positive Psychology, 82% of people face feelings that are associated with imposter syndrome. In fact, most of the people that experience imposter syndrome are actually high achievers. So for the most part, science shows that the vast majority of people who experience imposter syndrome come from families where worth was tied to price achievement, comparison, and the constant need for external validation. Even more so, according to the social comparison theory, imposter syndrome tends to worsen when our self-concept and self-evaluation is associated with external comparisons like social media. This ongoing phenomenon can actually fuel the fire of feeling anxious, depressed, and just having an overall feeling of loneliness despite visibility. So here comes the next question for all of you. How can we stay true to ourselves beyond visibility? Number one, embrace imperfection. In a world that strives for perfection, celebrate your imperfections, everyone. We're human beings. In fact, this is very true, and this is exactly what opens the space for others to share their individual abilities and so forth. When you accept yourself for who you are, despite your flaws, and the areas that you are not the strongest in, you liberate yourself from the need to perform and to cultivate your ability to just be and enjoy yourself and your life as is. Also set healthy boundaries. Be mindful about the extent to which you display parts of yourself to the people in the world around you, especially when it comes to social media. Be smart about the time you're investing and the accounts you follow, as well as the content and the cause you support. Ask yourself the following questions. These are good ones, so pay attention. Does my engagement in social media reflect my true identity? What parts of myself are authentic and what parts are performed? And one last one that is crucial is practicing moments of quiet or solitude. So when you're by yourself, you can listen to your inner voice, or as I like to call it, your inner guide or source of wisdom. You know yourself best, and you know why you do the things you do. What are your intentions behind why you act the way you act? What are you trying to hide, or what are you trying to further expose at the expense of being or feeling visible? And remember everyone, being truly seen is not the same as being known. Your identity is not built on a bunch of head knots, much less applause, but rather on authenticity. Thank you so much. I hope y'all enjoyed this episode. I'll see y'all in the next one.