Entry #19: Life Will Never Be Perfect, Just Do Your Best.

If you're still here, you're a real one. I hope you're taking care of yourself!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey y'all. So I finally am back. I am all moved into my new apartment. But even though I moved into my new apartment, I am still feeling unsettled. And that's why I haven't uploaded a new episode. Cause I'm still like in this weird space where I really don't know what's happening. Like, I don't know. I feel like I uprooted my old life and now I'm in this new space where I'm very happy in my new apartment. I'm proud of myself for making this happen on such short notice because this is not something that I um I knew I had to get it done, but to be honest, like I wasn't sure like how I was gonna make it happen. But I made it happen and it happened really, really fast. And I've been here for a couple of weeks now, but now I'm in this weird space of not knowing what I'm doing, I feel like. And I've been trying to like script a podcast episode because I feel like I want everything to sound like more well put together and things like that, but it's just not coming to me, it just hasn't been coming to me. So I decided to just pick up my phone and start talking. I used to have um this podcast recording software thing, but I didn't pay the subscription. I'm not gonna hold y'all, and I'm probably not gonna pay the subscription because I feel like I'm just uploading so randomly at this point. I'm gonna save my little coins and I'm just gonna figure it out when I feel like uploading. Um, I feel like a lot of people are really good at drafting topics for podcasts and content creation and then bringing it to life that way. But I don't know, I'm starting to think that that's really just not my style. I think I just do better with freestyle because whenever I sit down and try to write things out, it just never works out. Like I actually have a script that I started writing on my computer right next to me, and I have some stuff here. I probably will talk about it in a little bit, but I just can't sit and write down my thoughts and then put it out. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's just that it feels inauthentic or like what that's all about. But I just couldn't do it, and I've been trying to think of different topics I wanted to talk about over the past few weeks as I've been in my new apartment because I've had plenty of time to record a new episode, but it just hasn't come to me because I've been trying to think of the perfect topic and the perfect bullet points to go off of with that topic. And I guess I just have to accept that that is just not my style. Um, but anyway, moving on from that, I am happy to be back again. Like I said in the last episode, I'm not making any promises about how often I will be updating um the podcast because child, I don't know. I'm very much in a season of change, I think. That's the theme of where I am right now. Change can be one of the most beautiful things to happen to you, or it can also be one of the worst things that happens to you. And sometimes we're able to control the different changes that happen in our lives, and other times we don't really have that much control. And I feel like this season of life has been uh a combination of both things for me. There were some things that I didn't necessarily have control over that I had to take control over in order for it to make sense to me. Like I keep circling back to my relationship ending, there was a lot of things that went into that. There were a lot of things I tried to do to make that situation work, but at the end of the day, there's only so much that I could do. So I had to choose to change something else, and that is what led me to my beautiful apartments. I'm gonna just talk about that for a little while because I really love living alone, y'all. Like I was nervous about what it would be like being here by myself. I don't have my cat anymore because my ex already had the cat when we got together. So I'm just in here boneless, no pet, no pet or anything. And I hate that for me because I love animals. I'm probably gonna end up getting my own cat at some point, but I'm not there yet because I would like to focus on a few other things around here first. Like I want to paint, I want to get all my furniture together before I end up bringing an animal into the space because I just don't want to get a pet and then have to stress the pet out moving and around while I'm moving all this furniture in and painting and all that stuff. So I just want to finish getting the apartment set up before I get an animal, you know. But anyway, I've been really adjusting to the single life and really making this place my own and I guess just reclaiming my time and reclaiming my life. I've been really focusing on going outside and being social. I've been putting myself in spaces that I wouldn't necessarily have done before. Last night I went to an open mic night. It was kind of like um poetry. There were people performing music, spoken word. There was this one dude who was painting at the front of the room while people were doing like their different poetry and songs and things like that. It was a really beautiful space. And I hadn't told y'all this before, but I am a little bit of a poet myself. I don't, I don't know. I'm really weird about talking about that kind of stuff because there's a part of me who feels like I don't really qualify to call myself an artist, so I don't typically call myself an artist, and I've never really shared my work with anybody. I don't, I don't know. I'm really weird about that. But I went to the space last night and I saw how welcoming it was, and how people who were complete beginners in sharing their different art forms were comfortable just getting on stage and sharing with a room full of strangers, and everybody was so welcoming and supportive, and it made me feel like I can probably do that too. So I I wrote some new poetry that I'm thinking about going back and sharing. I don't know if I'm gonna share the next time I go or if I want to go a few more times and get more comfortable, but I can see myself at some point going there and just making that like an outlet for me. And that's just one of the beautiful things about change in the season because like you can find things that you never expected to find by making small changes in your life. And really, now that I'm saying all that out loud, I think a big part of the reason why I haven't been able to really sit down and write out a solid content plan for the podcast and everything else I have going on is because I've been going through so many changes and my brain is just scattered. And I don't know, I feel like I don't have an anchor at this point in time because like I'm just trying to find who I am in this season. I'm trying to figure out what I want to be pouring energy into, and then you know, like there's all this chaos that's happening with this ridiculous president that is unfortunately in office in the United States. Um, speaking of which, if you're a Trump supporter, please, please stop listening. Please don't listen to my content, get just just get out. You're not welcome here. But anyway, there's just been a lot happening um in my personal life and things that are beyond my control that have kind of had me all over the place. So I've just been feeling scattered. I don't know like what is next, but I don't know, people keep telling me that I'm doing a good job and all that, and I just don't feel it. And I think that's a common thing though, with people we aren't able to see our own growth in real time. Like now that I'm sitting here saying that, like I've done a lot for myself in the past year or so. Like, I've removed myself from a situation that was no longer serving me. Um, I bought myself a car. No, it is not the newest car, it's not the best-looking car. But this time last year, I didn't have one. Okay, like me and my ex were sharing a car. We ended up sharing a car because we were in a committed relationship, and having one car kind of cut down on expenses. So it made sense at the time. But you know, like the closer we got to the end of the relationship, the more I realized that I needed to have something of my own. Like, I was thinking about leaving, and I couldn't be thinking about leaving and not have a way to get myself from point A to pay point B. So I bought a car, all cash. I don't have car payments, and I'm really proud of myself for that. I also, this time last year, was not sure where I would be living. That was also a really big thing on my mind because I live in Florida, and if you live in Florida, you know how expensive Florida is. And I just wasn't sure if I would be able to support myself alone in Florida because I'm not where I want to be, like financially, career-wise. And I just had it in my mind like I wouldn't be able to afford an apartment on my own. I would end up having to rent a room somewhere, or I would have to find a roommate. And there were all these things circling around in my mind that I was stressed out about. And now, fast forward, here I am today. I have a car, I have my own apartment, I don't have a roommate. You know, all these things have been happening, and I have not taken the time to really give myself credit for it. Like, I live in this space every day, and I see what I've done for myself, things that I didn't think would be possible for me. And I don't know, it's still like kind of unbelievable because there's the part of me that lives in fear, and that part of me just always wonders like, can I maintain all of this by myself? And even though I've been doing a good job so far, that little voice in the back of my mind is always whispering to me, and it's always making me kind of stay in a state of internal panic. Like, what if something goes wrong and I can't support myself, you know? And then I think of all these different things, it sends me like kind of into a spiral, and it makes me panic, and it makes me feel like I have to be focusing on a million different things at once. I always have to be trying to make money. I can never just be like relaxing, I can never do anything like this. Podcasting is not paying me, you know. I'm doing this just because it's something I like doing. I like sharing my thoughts with people because I know there are a lot of people who have similar thoughts. I know there are people who are in different transitional periods of their life who have all these goals and things that they want to achieve, but they just aren't sure how to make it happen. And I feel like I can share my perspective on that, but this isn't paying me, you know. So sometimes when I think about doing this, when I think about writing out a script or coming up with a list of topics, I feel like I'm just wasting my time because this is time that I could be out making money or something, you know? Doing something that I feel is moving the needle forward. Like often when I sit to myself and I think about oh, you know, I should really update the podcast. There's another side of me that's like, you know, you could update the podcast, but what is that doing for you right now? Like I have no way of knowing what this podcast is gonna be years down the line, if it's gonna be anything, if I'm still gonna be doing it. So that voice that's in my mind, that's always in a state of fear, is always telling me like that's a waste of time. You could be out making money, you could be strategizing something that's actually going to benefit you in the now. And I feel guilty for wanting to do things that relax me and bring me peace. You know, like this is something that allows me, it's kind of like a a verbal diary for me a little bit. Like, I do have a physical diary, I also have a digital diary, but there's just something different about verbalizing the different thoughts I have and sharing them with my listeners, you know. Even though I haven't spoken to any of my listeners, I don't know what y'all think about me. I hope y'all like me. I'm I I have to assume that there are people who relate to what I'm saying. And that makes me want to keep going. It doesn't happen as often as I would like for it to happen because, like I just said, I have these internal battles with myself that often keep me from recording. But every once in a while, like I'll get like a little glimpse of how the show is doing. Like, I'll get an email from the podcast server updating me on different things, or I'll just have like a thought in my mind, like, girl, it's not that serious. Like, it's okay to take a minute to just relax and do something that you enjoy for once. You don't always have to be in grind mode. It's okay. But that's something that I have to remind myself, like I have to actively remind myself of that. And I guess to kind of tie those thoughts together, I'm really saying all this to say that change is very, very scary, whether it's good or bad. Because even though I've managed to do all these things that I didn't think would be possible for myself, all while maintaining a fitness schedule, y'all. Let me tell y'all something. I now I do feel like I have um kind of doubted back a little bit with my fitness journey because I used to be in the gym five days a week, okay? But like I've been so stressed about like, girl, you need to make more money because it's just you now. You need to be also figuring out how to make your career goals work. So I've been like all over the place worrying about that, and I've been taking less time in the gym, but I've still been going consistently. It's not five days anymore, but I'm working out at least three days a week, at least. And I'm proud of that because that is not easy to do when you have a million different things stressing you out, staying locked into a fitness journey, child, because Lord knows most days I do not want to work out because that's taking time and energy, and I'm just not up for it. Like I've been sleeping a lot more, I've been taking a lot more naps because that's one thing that I know I can do to relieve stress and also give myself more energy because going to the gym takes energy. Like, while it is a great stress reliever, it takes energy, you know. But I'm trying to learn how to reframe all these different changes into something more positive. And you know, like I'm not really, I don't want to say I'm being super, super hard on myself because I've only been in this new space for a couple of weeks. So I'm really still adjusting. Like I said, I don't even have a bunch of furniture. I have a bed in here, I have a desk, I don't have a couch, I don't have nightstands and dressers, I don't have all that stuff. I'm still like building around here, I'm still getting myself together, but I've got myself in the space, and I'm trying to, I guess, reframe my mind and figure out how to get a new sense of stability, trying to create a new balance in my life because this is a brand new chapter. Like I said, I've been putting myself out there to socialize more, um, not with the intention of finding a new relationship because I'm really not even concerned about that. But you know, also I'm young and fine, like I'm young and fine, and like there's men outside, and I'm not gonna meet them in the house, but not even just that. There is friendships that need to be cultivated, and I can't do that from inside this lovely apartment that I have, you know. Like there are people I already know, there are people out there who I need to know that I have not met. Shoot, I went to this space last night and I met all these beautiful. I mean, I didn't meet them, child. I went with a friend, I didn't um talk to a bunch of people at the event, but I saw a bunch of lovely artistic people in this space that I would like to get to know. I would like to, you know, build relationships with, and I can't do that from in the house. So I am embracing all these new changes, um, even the good and the bad, the good and the bad. I'm learning how to embrace all these things. I am creating a new balance in my life, and I'm trying to stop letting the negative thoughts win. Because, yes, I do need to focus on building my career. I do need to focus on creating additional income right now because I do have bills that I need to pay, but I also need to not feel guilty for doing things that bring me pleasure, like recording a podcast, you know, because there's nothing wrong with that. It can't always be work, work, work all the time. I can't feel bad when I go out with a friend to brunch or a poetry event or whatever. I can't feel bad about that because those are things that also matter in life. Life cannot always be about the grind. It can't always be so serious. Like, I don't want to go to work, come home. Go to work, come home, go to work, come home. That's no way to live. And I'm too young for that, you know? If you're somebody out there who is like I try not to be, like you go to work, you come home, you focus on your goals, and then you just you're on a a repeat cycle. This is me calling you out to add some changes into your your routine. Don't just live your day-to-day life focusing on the serious stuff. Have some fun. One of these days I'm gonna start doing those worksheets again. I just don't feel like it right now. I'm not gonna lie. I don't feel like it because I have to do the worksheets too, and I'm not about to sit and do no damn worksheet right now. I have enough to do. I'm not trying to sit down and add this worksheet right now. But one of these days, I'm gonna start doing that again because I really want y'all to be thinking about different things and observing different areas of your life and figuring out where you can improve, where can you make some changes? And not even just like, how can I move the needle forward professionally? Like, how can you add more luxury and stress-free activities into your life? Because those are just as important. The serious stuff is not going anywhere, but you know what is going somewhere? Time. Your time, your youth, all those things are fleeting by the day. So we need to be taking full advantage of that. And I don't want you to take that for granted just because things are hard right now, you know? Because I do that sometimes, and then I need to snap myself out of it. Like right now, before I started recording this episode, I was kind of like spiraling because I kind of don't like I couldn't focus. Like, I didn't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I know I need to be doing something to move the needle forward. And then I'm like, girl, just take the day off. Like, you don't have to sit and stress every single day about career goals. Like, if there are gonna be days where you just don't feel like doing it, you're not feeling In it. What's important is that you don't lose complete sight of the goal, but it's okay to have off days. I'm always so hard on myself when I have days like today. And I'm trying to stop doing that. So I'm gonna finish up this episode. I might look up like a dance tutorial on YouTube or something. It's something fun because I'm not going out two days in a row. So I'm in the house, in the house, shorty. Rent is paid. I'm about to enjoy the facilities. Um, but I want to do something fun in some indoors, you know, and not sit around for the rest of the day stressing over the future because the future's not going anywhere. I mean, the future is still coming, but like I have right now to worry about. So, all that being said, y'all, learn how to embrace change. Change can be so, so beautiful if we allow it to be. So, just get more comfortable allowing it to be. Talk to y'all next time.