The Good Girl Trap: How We Learned to Abandon Ourselves (Self-Abandonment Recovery Project)

Why is it so difficult to say no, set boundaries, or choose yourself without feeling guilty?

The answer may have less to do with who you are today and more to do with what you learned growing up.

In this episode of The Self-Abandonment Recovery Project, we explore how childhood conditioning, family roles, attachment patterns, and nervous system responses shape the ways we seek approval and disconnect from ourselves. Together, we'll examine why people-pleasing isn't a personality trait—it's often a protective strategy developed in response to our earliest experiences of love, belonging, and safety.

You'll learn how the "good girl" identity is formed, why your body may still react to conflict as though it's a threat, and how understanding these patterns with compassion—not shame—is the first step toward lasting change.

If you've ever wondered why choosing yourself feels so uncomfortable, this episode will help you see that your patterns aren't proof that you're broken—they're evidence that you adapted. And if you learned these behaviors, you can learn a new way of living rooted in self-trust, authenticity, and alignment.

In this episode, you'll explore:

• How childhood experiences shape approval-seeking behaviors
• The hidden roles we adopt within our families
• Why people-pleasing is often a nervous system response rather than a personality trait
• The connection between attachment, belonging, and self-abandonment
• How to begin replacing shame with compassion as you reconnect with your authentic self

Grab your journal and join me as we take another step toward coming home to ourselves.

Welcome to Lady(ish)—the podcast where real talk meets whole-self transformation. Hosted by coach, healer, and wellness guide Autumn Noble O’Hanlon, this unfiltered space is for women who want more out of life—but on their own terms.

Each week, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and often contradictory layers of wellness, covering everything from career shifts and body image to energy healing, intuitive living, fitness, burnout recovery, and creating change that actually sticks.

Whether you're chasing a new chapter, healing old wounds, or just trying to reconnect with yourself in a loud, overwhelming world—Lady(ish) is here to support your evolution. Expect honest conversations, coaching wisdom, holistic tools, spiritual insights, and permission to be a little bit of everything (and nothing you're not).

For information on additional services and ways to work together:

• Visit: AutumnNoble.com for coaching, tarot, seasonal journeys, mentorship
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Transcript

Autumn (00:00)

Welcome back my friends to the self-abandonment recovery project.

Over the last few episodes on here as well as Lady-Ish, we've explored the hidden cost of being liked and the moment when the good girl strategy just stops working. Today I want to take this a little bit deeper because if we're going to heal from these patterns, we have to actually start understanding where they came from and how we got here. First and foremost, though, I want to say this is not about blaming your parents. It's not about rewriting your childhood.

What it's really about is recognizing that every behavior, every habit that you have today, at one point in your life, it made perfect sense. At some point, the behaviors that you do automatically, they protected you. They helped you fit in or they helped you belong. They helped you stay connected. And ultimately, we created them because we wanted to feel safe. And those behaviors supported that.

But what I keep saying this month is that what protected you then may now be preventing you from becoming the person that you're actually meant to be and living in alignment with your most authentic self.

I wanna start by dispensing with this myth around who the good girl is

And this idea that you're just that way. In fact, I would like to argue instead that I don't think the good girl is actually born that way. One of the biggest misconceptions I find is that people pleasers are just really nice people. I don't believe that. I believe at its core, when you strip away all of the good intentions, people pleasers are liars.

And we all do it, right? There's no judgment here. But when we are people pleasing, we are trying to control what the other person is thinking or feeling about us. We're trying to control how this other person feels and how they perceive us. And we do that by altering how we show up, what we say, what we do in a way that's not necessarily authentic. It's just intended to control.

How the other person thinks and feels. So it's pretty manipulative at its core. When you kind of strip it down and look at it, we're not being honest about what we actually think, feel, or want to say. We're choosing those things very carefully with this intention of trying to control the other person. So we are being and participating in a dishonesty. And I think a lot of us learn this. I don't think it is innate. When I was growing up,

I had these really amazing best friends. And I still have these really amazing best friends. But one of the things that really struck me about one of them as I was growing up was that my mom would always say, like, she's just such a nice person. She's always happy. She's always in a good mood. And so on and so forth. And fast forward, you know, as life went on and as I've learned and grown, I think as she's learned and grown, I started to really question, gosh, I wonder what was really going on with her.

internally because no person is that way all of the time, always putting on a happy face, like letting everything be okay. And I think what I r have realized over time was that her doing that was costing her a tremendous amount. And she had a a way of attracting people into her life that took advantage of her in pretty significant ways. And as we've gotten older, some of these things have really come to light. And I think about

her sometimes and people pleasing and how when I was a little girl listening to my mom say that, I thought, well gosh, I need to be more like her. I need to be more likable, more happy all the time, more easygoing.

But now I have kind of come full circle and and kind of wonder what, you know, what is it about those people that are always happy, always easygoing, and never let anything bother them. And I think at their core, there is a lot of self-abandonment going on that eventually surfaces. And if we think about where that behavior came for those people or even for ourselves, I think there's a reality here that no little girl is born believing that she has to earn love.

That is something that we are taught. It's something that we learn, maybe explicitly, maybe subtly, sometimes through what is said to us, but sometimes it's through what was not said to us. As children, we're constantly asking this question What do I need to do to stay connected, to stay safe, to feel loved? And every family answers that question very differently.

And that answer can lead to some of those people pleasing tendencies. And again, we all have them to varying degrees. It's just an interesting question to kind of consider. Where did this come from initially for me as a child? Was it explicit? Was it implicit? Was it something that someone told me that I needed to be more of? For me, I'm sure there's a number of examples, but the one that jumps out to me is my mom always talking about this friend of mine who was.

Always so lovely and easygoing and nothing ever ruffled her feathers. And and looking back, it's like, man, she you know, people really took her for a ride over the years. But as a child, I thought that I needed to be more like that.

so my point is good girls, in the way I'm I'm talking about them, they're not born, they're created. And so the it begs the question where are they created? And I think we have to look at our family systems. Every family has its own rules, whether spoken or unspoken. For a lot of us, for me especially, some of the unspoken rules were don't make waves, be successful.

Be grateful. Don't embarrass the family. You know, keep the peace. Be responsible. Don't be too emotional, but make everyone proud. And all of those sound so lovely. They're not necessarily bad values. But when they become conditions for belonging and feeling loved, they begin shaping our identity because somewhere along the lines.

We conclude that, well, if I'm successful and everyone's happy, then that means that they love me. So being successful equals love, or being grateful equals love, or keeping the peace equals love or success. You know, we start to make connections where none were maybe initially intended. And I think no matter what kind of a family you were raised in or what kind of a family you are creating, you have we all have these types of rules. The question

And I think the trouble becomes when those rules get equated with belonging and it starts driving our identity. And our identity becomes really rooted in making everybody else happy and being successful, you know, regardless of whose definition that is.

As you think about your own families, just consider what was rewarded in your family. And that's going to shine a light on some of those unspoken rules. Was it achievement, independence, obedience, caretaking, humor, being invisible, being the responsible one?

For many of us, this resonates at a very deep level. And I think a lot of the professionals that I work with came from homes and families that valued achievement and obedience and being really independent. And and while that's all fine and good, at some point we have to kind of question is that really who I wanna be? Even though those things maybe created my success.

For myself growing up in a larger family with three brothers, I look back at the things that I tried, that that I wanted to be interested in, that I wanted to excel at. And I think one of one of the values that were was rewarded in my family was achievement. And my brothers were tremendous athletes, but I also had a brother that was really, really funny and he was into

the arts and improv and and acting and things like that. And if you know me, you know I am not a funny person. And for whatever reason, I saw this brother being tremendously successful in improv and and acting and being funny. And I wanted to be that way. And and I, you know, I wanted to be just like him. Like I'd wear his clothes and I just wanted to be, you know, that. And I wanted to have that same

achievement and appreciation and respect from the people around him that he had. And so I got into improv and acting. And again, I am not a funny person. But for whatever reason, I thought that that's who I needed to be because I saw his humor being rewarded. And then I realized, yeah, I'm not a very funny person. And so I decided, okay, maybe I'll try this route and I'll do track. One of my brothers or a couple of my brothers are these amazing sprinters.

One was really good at hurdles. So naturally, I decided to be a sprinter and do hurdles. You know what? Here's the joke. I don't like track. I happen to be a good athlete. I don't like it. But that was what I gravitated towards because I saw that achievement was rewarded. When I wasn't yielding as great a success as I thought they were or that I thought I should have, I looked to find other areas where I could succeed because it became very clear to me.

that there was a lot of value placed upon achievement, academic achievement, sports achievements, any kind of artistic achievement. And so I found my own lane eventually, but it became really important to me to have my own little achievements to kind of measure up and be rewarded in the same way that they were.

Similarly, because it was a large family and I was the only daughter, being the responsible one became really important, kind of being the helper. And and it turned into this, you know, Autumn's so responsible and she just keeps everyone in line and she's so smart. she should probably be a lawyer or a leader of some or some kind. And so this identity of being the responsible one and how that kind of fed into certain careers.

Just sort of unfolded itself before me, all because I felt myself falling into this role of being the responsible one. And again, no judgment here. It's just interesting to look back on and see: okay, somewhere along the lines of being responsible meant that I was a leader, meant that I wanted to like organize things and be in charge of people. And so that probably meant like going to law school or something like that. And that's kind of how that story went for me, but it all went back to.

The value that was placed on being the one that others could rely upon and keeping others in order. I think we all have stories like that in our life. If we look back at what our family valued and how that shaped where we spent our energy, and then how that created a bit of an identity that ultimately forged our early career path, I think it's fascinating. But again, no judgment, so long as that path still aligns with an identity.

That feels authentic for you.

The other piece that's at play here is attachment and belonging. Because children don't just need food and shelter, they need connections. And our brains are wired to preserve attachment. So if love feels conditional, kids will adapt. Sometimes they'll become perfectionists, sometimes caretakers, some will become overachievers.

Others will pull back and disappear. Some become comedians seeking that attention. Others become hyper independent. None of those responses are flaws, but they're adaptations. They're ways that we as human beings shift to try and get attachment, attention, affection, or love if it feels conditional. So if we feel like

Love is not just given freely, then we kind of gravitate towards, okay, maybe if I'm perfect, I'll get love. And maybe if that's rewarded, now we've created a perfectionist. Or maybe I need to be quiet and disappear, and people will appreciate that and I'll get feedback from that. And I become someone who kind of disappears. Maybe I get a lot of positive feedback from being the comedian and making people laugh. And then I feel connected and my family feels connected.

So now I'm someone who's always feeling like I have to be on. But the long and short of it is that how love was given and how freely it was given or withheld drove some type of an adaptation in us as children. So one thing we can consider here is when did you first learn that approval felt safer than authenticity? I think for me, this became most apparent.

when I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. It became pretty clear to me that what however I could keep this a person happy, no matter how much it did not align with who I was and who I wanted to be, that was always safer than being honest, speaking up or pushing back. And over time, those lines just blur and the line that was first crossed becomes miles from where you are.

at the beginning. And I think this can happen in a lot of different contexts and a lot of different ways. But for me, that was I think the first time in my life where I really felt like love and approval were conditional and that it was safer to do whatever I needed to do to get their approval than it was for me to live authentically. And ultimately that, you know, that came to an end as well.

But we do this in so many different ways in our lives, not just romantic relationships or familial relationships, but also in our work relationships as well. So really paying attention to the interactions that you have during your day and considering: do I feel like their approval is conditional or conditioned upon me being a certain way and living in a certain role? And that their approval and me living that role feels better.

than being honest and authentic.

The final piece at play here that I feel like we cannot ignore is our nervous system. One of the reasons approval seeking feels so automatic is because it's not just a mindset. It is a nervous system response that has been programmed within us.

Your body is a very efficient machine and your nervous system is the hub of that efficiency. If your body learns that conflict threatens connection, then even healthy disagreement can feel very dangerous in your nervous system. So let me say that another way. If at an early age you learned that making people uncomfortable or frustrated with you.

Cause them to withhold love, withhold connection or affection, your nervous system is going to start to correlate those two and say, okay, any type of disagreement that it might ruffle this person's feathers, that's not good and maybe even dangerous. So at a young age, if that love and affection is withheld when

People don't agree with us or they don't like what we do or we don't show up the way they want us to, whatever it may be. If that person doesn't like it and it it causes a problem in the relationship, your brain is going to file that away and say, okay, that's an interesting piece of information. That means that disagreements with the people around us are dangerous and to be avoided. If that is a nervous system pattern that you created in your life, you can notice yourself.

over-explaining your decisions. You make a decision that you feel strongly about, but your nervous system is so worried that this other person is not going to like it. And what does that mean? You know, danger that you over-explain yourself to try and get them on your side to alleviate that discomfort. You may also notice apologizing unnecessarily because there's a tremendous amount of fear.

In your nervous system, in those historical patterns, fear around making other people upset or any kind of conflict. Smiling when you're hurt is another one. Avoiding difficult conversations. Saying yes before you've checked in with yourself. It's patterns that we have created to try and protect connection. Because at some point along the way, we learned that.

if we have difficult conversations or if we say no to people or upset people, it's not good. It's dangerous or it can threaten the relationship.

Your nervous system and your body, they're not trying to sabotage you, they're trying to keep you safe based upon what they learned historically, what it takes to keep you safe. The problem is that your nervous system may still be responding to those old threats in situations where you are actually safe today. So, for example, setting a healthy boundary with a friend is not the same.

As disappointing a parent at age eight, but your body and your nervous system can react as though it is. That's why healing is not just about changing your thoughts, it's about teaching your nervous system that authenticity is not dangerous.

I think this is one of the reasons that many people struggle with traditional coaching and why I disagree with a lot of traditional coaching, because we can be very clear on the behavior that needs to change. But if we don't recognize why our nervous system and our bodies are responding the way that they are, and that they're going to cause resistance, it's going to be very difficult to make progress. So we have to recognize.

that our brain runs on patterns and neural pathways. And sometimes those pathways were created to protect us from danger, but our brain can misstake danger later in life and say, this is the same kind of danger as before. And this is how we kept ourselves safe. People pleasing, avoiding difficult conversations. But the reality is that today it's not the same danger and we can choose to show up differently.

But we have to create space to do that nervous system work and recognize that your body and those patterns will fight you, even when you're trying to change behaviors that you know are holding you back. We have to have room for compassion and nervous system care to make the changes stick.

So, how do we go about doing some of this? I think the easiest thing I can share with you here is simply leveraging compassion instead of shame. One of the most beautiful shifts happens when we stop asking, why do I keep doing this? And instead start asking, what was this behavior protecting me from? That question changes everything because shame will tell you.

I'm broken. I keep doing this. Why do I keep doing this? But compassion instead says, I adapted because this was protecting me from something. I wonder what that was. Because if you adapted once in the past, you can adapt again and rewire a new neural pathway. But we can't do that until we understand where that pattern came from.

I want to share an example of something that came up for me in this vein recently. So growing up on a farm around a bunch of men and then working in corporate law and typically being surrounded by a bunch of men, more around my father's age, older men, and having this identity that I had carried with me of being the good girl and not making waves and being polite and

You know, giving people the benefit of the doubt, all of that, I think drove me to accept comments and behaviors that were tremendously inappropriate. as I've really gotten into this work over the years, I've started to I maybe I've entered my bitch era, is what I'm gonna call it. But I've started to really push back on people in a way

That I never did before.

One of the things that happened most recently happened in my personal training work. So I do coaching as well as physical fitness and personal training for my clients that are in person here in Omaha. And I was working with this particular individual and I've been working with him for a long time. And he's a lovely man, and we're good friends. but sometimes he pushes my boundaries. And there was one day in particular where my hair was a complete and total mess.

And this lovely man, w whenever there's things out of order, it really bothers him. And on this particular day, I had my hair up and I'm, I think I had a hair hanging onto the corner of my mouth and I didn't notice it. And I had like one in my eye and it was driving him nuts. And he reached out and moved my hair out of my, like touched my face and moved my hair to the side. And I looked at him and I said, You are not allowed to do that.

If my hair bothers you, that is your problem, but you were not allowed to do that. It was such an intimate touch, and it felt like it was definitely a boundary that had been crossed to touch me in that kind of a way. And and I didn't even think about it in the moment. But afterwards, I was like, you know what? Good for you. Because historically,

I would have thought, gosh, you know, this guy's paying a lot of money for me, you know, like hang out with him and train him and like be nice to him and have conversations. Like, don't be a jerk. But I I blew past all of that and really set the clear boundary. And so now moving forward, it's almost a joke between us where he'll say, like, you've got a hair in your face. Can I move it? And I'll say, No, you have just deal with it. I don't care. I'm not here to look pretty for you. I'm here to make you work hard. Can we get back to it? And it was it's just such a fun full circle.

moment because me 10 years ago would not have done that and and would have let that boundary be crossed and would have been resentful about it and would have fumed about it, would have been secretly mad at him about it. But at the time, I felt very powerful. But afterwards, here comes my nervous system. And I'm feeling bad. I'm feeling guilty. I shouldn't have met so hard. Like he didn't really mean anything by it. Like why do you have to be such a jerk?

So it was like this weird tug of war between being proud of myself for standing up for myself and setting a boundary, and embarrassed that I was impulsive, maybe rude, maybe hurt his feelings, and feeling kind of guilty for it. And that's the crazy thing about this work is that even when we practice alignment and we show up a little bit more authentically, regardless of what we think the other person is going to feel.

that nervous system is always going to come back and say, this isn't safe. Like historically, you know you're not supposed to rock the boat. You're not supposed to hurt people's feelings. You're not supposed to assume the worst. You're not supposed to set boundaries like that. So it was just an interesting observation for me that even after doing all of this work, our brains are beautiful machines and they like to be safe and doing these

types of authentic little micro exercises is going to run afoul of that in your nervous system will let you know. But the more you do it, the less loudly your nervous system will yell at you. So I want to do a reflection exercise to help you kind of explore this on your own. So grab a journal, take a few moments and explore these. If you're driving or journaling is not your thing, just contemplate them, maybe pause after each one to give you some time to write or reflect.

One, what role did I play in my family growing up? Two, what behaviors earned me praise or acceptance? Three, what emotions didn't feel safe to express? Four, where do those patterns still show up today?

Five. If I believed I was already worthy of love and belonging, what would I do differently this week?

As we wrap up today's episode, I want to make it very clear that my goal here in this self-abandonment recovery project.

The goal is not to become someone completely different. It's to come home to the version of yourself that existed before you believed that you had to earn your place, or before you believed that you had to act in opposite to your natural responses in order to be accepted.

In order to heal that part of ourself, it doesn't mean that we reject the little girl who learned to be good. Rather, we have to gently kind of take her hand and show her that she doesn't have to carry that responsibility anymore. She doesn't have to be good in order to get people to love and appreciate and respect her.

Next week, we're going to continue this work and move from understanding the pattern to changing it. And we're going to start to explore how to identify places in your life where you're still seeking approval and then begin reclaiming your own voice, one little baby choice at a time. I will see all of you next week. Thank you so much for being here.