Change Your Self-Perception, Change Your Whole Direction with Gregory James Thelian

We unpack why habits fail without a shift in self-perception and how making identity visible can unlock lasting change. Gregory James shares stories, reframes, and practical tools that help us meet the person we already are and write the next chapter with intention.

• self-help focusing on tactics over self
• borrowed mirrors shaping identity and worth
• kintsugi as a reframe for flaws and breaks
• portraits as physical proof of inner strength
• presence over productivity guilt
• active affirmations paired with evidence
• filling your cup to give more sustainably
• trauma influencing identity without defining it
• authorship of the next chapter through introspection

More about Gregory: 

https://www.gregoryjamesphotography.com/ 

https://www.instagram.com/gregoryjames.photo/

Meet your Host-Deepali:

https://www.deepalinagrani.com/

https://open.spotify.com/show/71TlMfUIAAxbmB6AOWYqBu

Want to be a guest on The Self-Help Podcast with Deepali Nagrani? Send Deepali Nagrani a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/deepalinagrani

Transcript

A Moment To Breathe

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So before we begin today, I want to offer you a moment. A moment to just breathe and reflect. And now think about the last picture of yourself that you loved. Not tolerated, not photoshopped, not cropped, not filtered, but just loved. Most people struggle to recall even one. And I'm also that person. And that's exactly why today's conversation matters. Because for many of us, the way we see ourselves has never been our own. It has been inherited, shaped, borrowed, influenced, or even bruised by the world. Welcome back to the Self-Help Podcast with me, the Pali. I'm your host. I am a storyteller, a speaker, a mum, and someone who will forever believe that healing begins with brave honesty. Today, we are exploring the very foundation of transformation. Not habits, not goals, not discipline, but self-perception. Because, hey, you cannot change your life if you refuse to meet yourself. And my guest for today, he doesn't just click pictures, but he reveals them to themselves. He talks about people and helps them show who they really are. Gregory James Tillion is an award-winning photographer and the visionary behind the three-day transcendent experience. A journey that has helped countless of women reclaim confidence, confront trauma, and rebuild worthiness from within, from deep within. And he's not here to talk about the glow-ups. He's here to talk about coming home to yourself.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Thank you so much for having me on here, DePali. And yeah, I know it's been just crazy how both of our lives have been right now. And I'm so glad that we were finally able to get to uh sit down and actually record this conversation now.

Why Self-Help Misses The Self

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Perfect. Thank you. Thanks for making time today. Now, I want to begin with something bold that you've said, right? So you say self-help fails when people try to upgrade their life without really upgrading the lens they see themselves through. That's such a profound statement.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

You can't move forward if the vision of yourself is holding you back. And you actually said something very profound right at the beginning, and I know I've said this too, but it's like the way that we see ourselves is truly not our own. And it really is shaped by everyone around us. You know, it's what we've been told by family members, what we've been told by our significant others. A lot of the times these things really seep into ourselves, and that's how we kind of see ourselves. Like when we look in the mirror, you know, if somebody ever said anything negative about you, you might hold on to that longer than you really want. And you might have never thought that about yourself until this one other person said something about it. So the way that we view ourselves in the mirror is not how we really want to be portrayed. It's not how we truly feel deep down inside ourselves. So yeah, you know, what I do is I help people really get to the core of who they are so that we can capture that. So that when you do see yourself in a more positive light, that really does change everything for you because now you're moving forward with this positive self-perception. And if you don't have that, it really does hold you back. And if you really think about it, I'm sure you could come up with countless ways in how you are already holding yourself back from the things you really want to be doing. And then if you just imagine if you were able to control, if you were able to see, if you were able to fully become that person that's inside of you, not nothing will be able to hold you back.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

And it's interesting that you brought up at this point and your story about you know, why do you think this is so important? And so the fact that the traditional, like the you know, very perceived idea of self-help is incomplete without this vision of how you're seeing yourself, right? So, is this the reason why you think that people even fail or like you know try many, many multiple times and try so hard, but yet do not see any, you know, results or the outcomes that they're chasing, right?

Borrowed Mirrors And Identity

SPEAKER_02 4:37

So listen, what I've learned from myself and like my whole self-help journey is a lot of self-help is good, it is beneficial. However, I feel like they're missing the mark in a lot of ways because what they're offering is a lot of help. Like they're focused on the help, but they're not focused on the self. So what you're getting from a lot of books, guidance, mentors, and everything, it's all tools and tactics, which are well and good, and they can be helpful, but I cannot tell you, DePali, how many different books I got on like forming habits and changing your habits, and it just didn't stick for me. It's like I went through like three different books on habits, and I couldn't really change my habit. That that was like the hard habit to break. And what I realized was nothing was sticking. You know, it's like I'd be good for like a week or two, and nothing really stuck, nothing really lasted. And it was because I had this negative self-perception about myself, and I kept telling myself, it's like, oh, you failed before, so it's never gonna work again. And it wasn't until I started seeing myself in a better light, pun intended, as a photographer. But it's like once you start seeing yourself as who you really want to be, as the person who can stick to habits, who can change their abilities, who can change their skill sets, who can live a better life. Until you start feeling that, nothing's really gonna change. And the way that I help people get to that feeling is by talking to them, learning who they really are, learning what that voice inside of them is really trying to say and capturing that. Because once again, once it's made physical, once you could physically see this side of yourself, you could you just can't deny it at that point. It's real, like this is your new reality. And now you're forced with the decision. It's like, okay, do I like stick with this new reality of who I really want to be, who I really want to become, or do I fall back onto like these old habits and this negative self-talk? And once again, like once it's physical, once you could truly see yourself, that literally changes everything. It changed for me. So it's like now I have better habits and I'm still trying to improve them. We're all a work in progress. But once I kind of like did a photo shoot for me, once I started taking better pictures of myself, I'm just like, yeah, you know what? I do got this. And that boost, that motivation, that's internal. You know, that's not somebody else telling you you're amazing, you're fantastic. It's you telling yourself, and it's you seeing it for yourself, and that's what really sticks. Because I could tell you until I'm blue in the face how amazing you are, how beautiful you might look, but you're not gonna feel it until you see it for yourself. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yeah, and I resonate with that very deeply, Jack, because I've seen people and myself included probably I could put myself on the top of this list. Read the books, do the routines, you know, habit stack, and write in my gratitude journal. Do all the affirmations, and yet you could feel unworthy and like really ruffled by a few complex, seemingly difficult things that life puts you in or throws you back. Because it's like polishing the outside of a mirror that's cracked on the inside. No matter what you do, it's not gonna end.

Making Self-Image Physical With Portraits

SPEAKER_02 7:54

But you gotta learn that these cracks are there, and you have to learn to love them and be like, okay, yeah, this is a part of me. But you know what? These cracks form an amazing design, and this looks amazing, you know. So, um, oh man, I'm gonna butcher it. But it's like from the K-pop Demon Hunters song. It's like loving like the cracks inside or whatever, and I love that. It's like I watched it a couple of times with my daughter, and I'm like, these songs are good, you know. Like, but it's so much meaning. So much meaning, it's so good. My god, I love I love those songs, and my wife keeps playing them, you know, like every morning on our drive. You know, so it's like I hear them a lot, but for whatever reason, the exact line escapes me. But it is loving the cracks inside, it is loving every part of you, and you can. It's up to you to decide that. But it's like you I help people see it in a more positive way because everyone is telling you, it's like, no, like this is bad about you. Like, you need somebody saying, No, it's okay, it's fine, you're amazing. And all of us are in our own ways, but we lose touch with it because of negative self-talk, of you know, trauma, of just negativity that's all around us every single day. So I love being like that light of positivity for so many people.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

Beautiful. And while you were just saying that and mentioning that song, I'm reminded of this very beautiful concept that I read somewhere many, many years ago. Uh, that in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. And the flaw is then seen as a unique piece of the object's history and its richness, which then adds to its beauty, which is such a you know profound shift in the perspective, right? It's broken but more beautiful, it has so much meaning to it, right? So that's about us as humans too.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

It is, and people need to realize that's all okay, you know. A lot of us have this high value on like perfection because this is what we see every day, it's what's fed to us. And it's only gonna get worse with AI because AI is trying to show what perfect really is, so it's like we're gonna be fed more and more of that type of stuff, and it's like that's not real, that's not who people actually are. And yeah, like all those cracks do make you beautiful, and yeah, you totally can fill them up with gold and shine even brighter than you ever could. That's a beautiful analogy, I think.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Yeah, yeah, it's it's uh it's such a powerful reframe. It is and and makes total sense, right? And it's it's powerful because uh once you name the real issue, once you learn to understand and embrace who you are and how you think of yourself and how you perceive everything, everything really starts to shift and rearrange.

SPEAKER_02 10:47

So after it really does, and it is shining a light on like those shadow areas of ourselves that we kind of keep hidden. And it's like once you just bring it out, it's like, oh, it's actually not that bad. It's like we fear these things so much because we keep it in the dark. But it's like once you start bringing it up, it's just like, why was I even worried about this in the first place?

SPEAKER_00 11:09

My nose is not that big, actually, you know, it's like that's a very good example you gave, and I like and it's also funny that for the most part of my life, Greg, I think up until a few years a few years ago, I was always worried about my nose. I'm like, hmm, maybe it was a little more pointed and good looking and this and that. You know, that saying the more energy and attention you give to it, the more it becomes bigger and it really expands.

Loving The Cracks: Kintsugi Reframe

SPEAKER_02 11:39

Yeah, sorry to interrupt you, but you do have the choice of how you spend that energy. So it's like you can either give it like negative attention or you could give it positive attention. And I started giving my nose more positive attention, and because so so often people were just like, oh, it's so big and everything, and it's like I know like everybody listening can't see, but it's like my wife would like hold up like her arm and like point it out as if it was a gigantic nose and like make fun of me about it. But it's it's fine, like it's not that big. People have bigger noses, people have smaller noses, it's completely fine, and it just stopped bothering me after I kind of like accepted it and I joined in on the jokes with it and everything. And when I look in the mirror, it really doesn't bother me at all. Like I accept it, I love it. I hate how stuffy it gets in the cold weather, but outside of that, like my nose is fine, it doesn't bother me anymore. It used to be something that did, and I'm happy that I was able to reframe that and shift it and change it. And it's like over the years it just fades more and more and more, you know. So it's like all that negative talk just really can fade away.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Really, yeah, and um I'm I'm glad that you brought up that point of nose because again, it's a good reminder that beauty and goodness comes in all shapes and sizes, and we're all so different and yet so fundamentally the same as humans. It is fine, like we don't need to bother about the sizes and the shapes and this and that, and especially different. Yeah, everybody, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

And you know, it actually brings up one of my favorite quotes, which is um, and I forget who says it because so many people have like said it, but uh it's that beauty is simply reality seen through the eyes of love.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

So I'm gonna make a noise.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

What I do is I help people love themselves even more so that they can see the beauty that is actually there. You know, if like you really think about it, I know it's hard for a lot of women to understand this, but us guys, you know, it's like when I look at my wife, I don't see any of her flaws. Like I only see her as being beautiful. But it doesn't matter how much I tell her she's beautiful, she'll keep putting herself down. You know, she'll look in the mirror and it's like, yeah, you gotta say that because you're my husband. It's like, no, like I literally just see the beauty that's in you. And it wasn't until I was able to show her exactly how I see her through photography. You know, photography allows you to do that, it allows you to capture exactly how you see somebody. And once she saw that, so much changed for her. And it's like I have like her reaction video on like my Instagram page and everything, and you just see her lose herself like when she saw it. And she was even saying, I never thought I could see myself like this beautiful. And then I told her, I'm like, but this is exactly how I see you every day. She started to tear up, so I had to like stop the video recording at that point. But it's so true, you know, a lot of people can't see that beauty that's truly inside of them, and I can't think of any better way than photography to actually do that.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

Yeah, definitely. And also, I'm gonna put the link to your Instagram down in the show notes below for all our listening readers to go and have a look. Um, at this point, just a quick question. Speaking of perception and reality, right? After having worked with so many people and helping them overcome and and see their own selves in a different line, what do you think about this? Like, do people know their self-perception is the problem? Do you think people have this awareness? Or is it something that they only understand after doing a lot of deep inner work? Because sometimes not having awareness is also a problem. Because then you're like entirely caught up in that spiral of okay, one after the other, and and you don't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, what has your experience been like?

Awareness, Worth, And Hiding In Plain Sight

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Not many people realize it. Everyone thinks it's external, everyone thinks that the answers they're looking for are gonna be from someone else, that it's gonna be some life hack, some trick, some you know, new habit that they have to incorporate in order to change themselves. But the real fact of the matter is it's really your self-perception. Like once you get to the core of who you are, if you don't understand that, if you're not living the way you really want to be living, you know, that little voice inside of you that's trying to speak up, if you're not doing everything that it says, you're not really fully living. And a lot of people don't realize it. So the way to kind of improve your self-perception is to do a lot of more introspection work. That's where I feel it truly is. That's what's helped me throughout all of these years. Because listen, like everything that I built, everything that I do, it was kind of to help me first. I could say that. I could say I was selfish. It's like I wanted to feel better about me. I never liked the way that I looked growing up. But it wasn't that I looked bad, it was that I let other people's voices affect me. And it wasn't until I started seeing myself in a better way and really getting in tune with who I am and what I want for myself that things really started changing for me. So, no, a lot of people do not know that their self-perception is what's really holding them back, but it really is. And if you stop to think about it, even just for like a moment, if you start thinking, because you know, self-perception, self-worth, you know, when it comes to self-worth, it's kind of interchangeable with like your self-perception. But nobody on earth will ever utter the sentence, I'm not worthy. You know, most people will not say that out loud, but we kind of live our lives in a way that's showing it to ourselves. So, for example, if you're like in like a party or like a group setting and everybody's talking, everyone's chatting, but you're kind of making yourself small and you're in the back of the room and you're not speaking up, even if like you want to join in on the conversation, something's holding you back from actually doing that. That's low self-worth. That's low self-perception. That's you holding yourself back because you feel like you're kind of not entitled to talk or what you might say might affect somebody the wrong way. You gotta cut that out. You gotta get out of that mindset. You have to realize, and the way to kind of get out of that is to realize all of your strength, to realize that you are worthy. What you say does matter. And just like a couple other different ways that we just like anything that like you hold yourself back on, really take a second and ask yourself why? Like, why am I holding myself back? It's like I really want this thing, I really want this item, or I really want this experience for myself. Why am I not doing it? And for a lot of people, it's because because this person might think something differently about me, or this person might say that you're crazy for wanting to do this for yourself. But once again, it's not about them, it's all about you. And until you get in tune with that voice and in tune with who you truly are and what you value, what you hold close to yourself, you know, nothing's really gonna change, nothing's gonna stick because now you're working off of the values of other people and not yourself. So this is where a lot of people get stuck. And I found a way to kind of help people break out of that. And it's one of like the most fun ways possible. It's through a creative photo shoot. So the fact that I'm able to do that in such a creative way and such a fun way for my clients, it's kind of like a no-brainer for them. But a lot of people don't know about this and they don't know how to fix it, you know, especially when you start talking about introspection work. It's like, okay, what questions do I start asking myself? A lot of people don't know. And it's like, what do you really say to yourself? How do you get to the core of who you are? And that's what I help people with.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

And I love that you said it because um we often think, and myself included, that Greg's self-perception is about liking how we look. I mean, as in like look as in the physical aspect of the case.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Yeah, it's deeper than that though.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Exactly. Really, it's about liking who we are from deep within. So let me ask you something that I think every listener will feel and relate to. When we know this, sometimes okay, lack of awareness is the key to the problem you said most people aren't even aware. But even when some of us are, why is it so hard for us to look at ourselves without that judgment or without that lens of perception that the world taught us to see or you know how we were conditioned or raised or influenced to believe. Where does that discomfort come from? Like why is it so hard? Because I know it has been hard for me too.

Why Positivity Feels So Hard

SPEAKER_02 20:39

Yeah, so it comes from a couple different places. First, it could come from outside influences, okay? Once again, anybody saying anything negative about you, it sticks. And the reason why they're doing that is because it's very much easier to be negative than it is to be positive. And this is also the other reason. It's very easy for us to be negative as opposed to positive. And everybody is kind of their own worst critic. So we over-criticize ourselves. And kind of like once again, it's like my wife will look in the mirror, over-criticize herself, but when I see her, I don't see any of the flaws that she's talking about, unless she like really points it out. And it's like, no, I have like this pimple or this, you know, like ingrown hair. And it's like, I never even like I didn't see that. And it's like that's but that's the only thing she's focused on. So our focus goes, you know, towards negativity, especially about ourselves, kind of like first and foremost. And it's hard flipping that script. I'm not here to tell you that it's easy, but one of the best ways to do it is to start seeing positive, more reinforcing images of yourself. And once you kind of start seeing that, it starts flipping that script for you. It starts changing your self-perception because where if you're just kind of left on your own accord, you're looking in the mirror and you're hating on yourself. Okay? This isn't a secret. This happens to so many people, okay? But when you see an amazing portrait of yourself, now you're waking up and you're looking at this portrait and you're just like, yes, like that is me. And then when you do that kind of enough, like once that kind of sticks, once that anchor is in place, then when you look in the mirror, you're actually seeing that portrait. Like you're seeing that version of yourself. Now that's embedded in your mind more so than all of your negative traits. Anything that like you started negative self-talk, you know, like implementing on yourself. So now this kind of shifts your whole perspection. Perspective, it shifts your whole, just your view of yourself, like literally and physically. So now having this amazing portrait of yourself that's capturing all of your strength, all of your worthiness, like everything that is truly you, when you see that voice inside of you. Once again, I keep going back to that because that's like your compass. Like that's like your internal truth. And that's what you really need to follow. And a lot of people aren't. They're not following it because we're scared. And that's another thing that holds us back. And it's another reason why we get negative about ourselves. It's because we're afraid. We're afraid of accepting ourselves. We're afraid of being successful sometimes. Once again, this is like another thing that no one would say out loud. Like no one's gonna say, oh my God, I'm so scared of being successful. But you might be scared of all the things that come with it. You might be scared of how your family might treat you if you become successful, if you become where you really want to be in this world, where you want to be for yourself in your life. If it doesn't match up with society's, you know, perfect box that you need to fit in, you know? And it's like, no, like all that is bullshit. Like it's not real.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Thanks for saying that.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

Yeah, it's like the only thing that's real is what you want for yourself. And we are the ones who are going to give it to ourselves. No one else is gonna give it to you. We expect it. We uh just because of everything, I don't know. Like a lot of people feel like everything needs to be given to us. But once you start realizing that you give everything to yourself, oh my god, the poly, like that just opened up so many doors for me. I was just like, holy crap, it's like that's the real secret. It's like, okay, just love yourself, give to yourself more, and you start feeling better, you start accepting yourself more, and you start looking at yourself in a much better light.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Yeah, and that's so powerful and also very practical when you said that, because I'm sure someone listening to this, whenever they listen, will have an aha moment like I just had. You said we all believe that you know things should come to us, and everybody wants nice and good things to happen to them. And there is this sense of entitlement that we walk and we operate to it. And the moment we shake it off and we think to ourselves, okay, everything that we want is on the other side of the amount of actions and efforts that we put into it is such a hard truth to accept, but is also going to liberate and set you free at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 25:09

What a lot of people don't realize is that most of the things that like they feel like they want or that they need, they either already have or they're actually super easy to obtain. You know, a lot of my clients say that they need love. You could love yourself. You can give yourself love. All love is, is willing to give without wanting to receive. Okay. I discovered this definition of love like many years ago when I was in high school, and I was just like desperate. Like all my friends, I had like girlfriends at the time, and I'm just like, I want love, but what is love? So it was like I literally went to the dictionary, opened it up, and that was the definition at the time willing to give without wanting to receive. And it just it but like at the time I was just like, this makes no sense. Like why didn't you talk in the book? Because I was like 13 at the time, and it's like something deep and profound like that is not gonna make sense to someone that young. And it didn't, but it wasn't until I got much older, it wasn't until I got married, until I spent enough time with my wife, until I had kids that I realized like, holy crap, like that was the perfect definition of love. Because it applies to it. Yeah, you know, like even if there's like a cause, you know, like you just donate, you just give money, you know, you're not looking for anything in return, and that's love, you know. You could do that for yourself. You could give yourself things, you could give yourself the things that you truly want and do it honestly, do it wholeheartedly. That doesn't mean go out and buy expensive things. That could even just mean like give yourself time, give yourself time away from everything that's stressing you out. You have control, it is your life. You are the one in power, you know? But sometimes we need somebody to remind us of that.

Trauma, Identity, And A Turning Point

SPEAKER_00 26:54

And everything changes when you decide that you're done suffering and and done just like not playing big and instead playing like someone else's character in your own story, whereas you should be the main character in your own story, right?

SPEAKER_02 27:09

And it's oh true, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

And I love that uh definition of love when you said when you were 13 years old you went to the and that's a very logical uh step that you took for a 13-year-old. Yeah, I wouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

I shut that book so hard to Polly, like I was just like, this is bullshit. Like, what the hell? Like, this doesn't talk about people, there's no relationships in here. I'm like, what the hell does this even have to do with love? And it was like, like once I got wiser, once I got older, and I actually had experiences, I was just like, yeah, like because even with like my wife, it's like the moments where like we show love to each other, it's like those little things. It's it's even just like getting up and just being like, here's a sandwich. It's like I knew you were hungry, I just did this for you. Or like getting like that little gift, buying flowers, you know, unexpectedly, not on a holiday, not on a birthday, just being like, here you go, this is for you. You know, that's love. That's what it's all about. You can do it for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

Yeah, yeah. Small tiny steps that you take for yourself and for you know, someone that you love that is super found and like it just makes life more beautiful and meaningful.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

It really does. Um, I honestly believe that this world is based off of love and peace. Um, it might not seem that way, especially in these times and these conditions. Especially now, more than ever. Listen to the news, um, it'll tell you otherwise. But if you talk to actual people, if you reach out to your neighbor, you realize everybody just wants love, everybody just wants peace. And this world really is built on that. And it's the only thing that's gonna get us through everything, all these bad times that we're having and everything. If you bring love and peace to the forefront of it, everything's gonna be fine. And we might not be able to do that on a global scale, but we could do it on a personal scale. If you do it on a personal scale, yeah, you know, and once you do it on that personal scale, you feel it like much bigger, you know. So stop listening to the news, start listening to that voice inside of you.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

And it very rarely shout it whispers, and you have to tune in to your own gut and intuition. Yeah, your God-given intuition to just support you and help you make better decisions and find that love and love yourself really fully. And just just before this, what you said was about judgment and our own view and perception and how we look at everything, including ourselves. Because self-judgment, Greg, really is the first language that so many of us learned ever since we were very little kids and up until now. And then earn learning and relearning it is the work of a lifetime. Like we continue by that thing, and now we're trying, we're trying to undo it one step at a time, one day at a time. So it can take a lot of inner work, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

It does. Um, but that's how you fix it all because we got put into boxes, you know, from our parents, our families, our neighbors, our society, like everybody tries to put you in this box. And most of us don't fit into any type of box. We're so multifaceted, just as human beings. And once you kind of realize that and you accept that for yourself first, and then realize that about others, it's so freeing. It is so much more freeing to just be like, okay, yeah, I understand, like you did this one thing, but that does not define you. There's so much more than just like that one action or that one thing that you said. It's like there's a lot more behind there. And I love getting to, you know, like the core of that about people. And I just love doing that for my clients. I love helping people see who they really are on the inside, and then being able to physically show it to them. Oh my god, the Polly, it is just like so amazing.

SPEAKER_00 31:01

I know you work with a lot of women who carry trauma and body image issues and struggles, on top of that, a lot of emotional scars that often don't have words, right? And and this all of this is bundled so deeply inside of us and has been ingrained into every fibre of our being that that it is difficult to look ourselves otherwise, right? Like just to find some different life. Yeah. So, how like in your experience after having worked with so many wonderful women and and other people, how does trauma you think shape our self-worth and identity? And now that we're talking about the problem, also tell us about what do you think are small but actionable steps that you know people can take to come out of that? It doesn't need to be big, it's small, teeny tiny steps.

Active Affirmations With Evidence

SPEAKER_02 31:50

Yeah, okay, so when it comes to trauma, first and foremost, I am not a licensed therapist. However, you know, like the process that I've created and everything that I do, it can be therapeutic and it has been therapeutic for a lot of my clients. But when it comes to trauma specifically, this is kind of like the biggest change in people's self-perception, okay? Because something horrific happens to them, and now they define themselves by that horrific action, by that moment. And sometimes it's even just like a one-day thing that might have happened to them, but it carries on with them throughout the rest of their lives. It doesn't have to. And it's up to that person to decide when that moment ends. You know, these traumatic events, depending on the scale of it, depending on what it was, it's it's very hard to shake it. And it's not something that most people ever fully get rid of. You can't fully heal a trauma like that, you know? But what you can do is redefine how it shapes you. It's up to you whether you let it control your life or you're able to move past it and surpass that trauma. And the way to kind of do that is to change your self-perception. Um I've had this specifically happen with a client where she was breaking down in tears, looking at her portraits, and she started whispering something, and I I go up to her and like, what are you saying? What are you saying? And she was she kept saying, I'm worthy, I'm worthy. And that just shook me a lot because this is the first time, and like she's in like her 30s seeing herself like this. And this is the first time she actually saw herself as being worthy of anything. The way she was brought up, like all the trauma that she went through throughout her life. Now she finally got to the point where she sees who she really is. And what she sees is not the trauma. What she sees is all of her strength, all of her power. And this is what brought out like all those tears. It was very emotional, very powerful for her. And I just felt so honored that I was able to create that moment for her. So that moment became kind of like a turning point for her. So where she had all this negative self-perception of thinking that she was defined by all of her trauma, her past experiences, her bad relationships, everything she went through as a child. That no longer defines her. Because now, these new portraits, this is who she really is. You know, she got to see that voice inside of her. And you mentioned that that voice is normally like a whisper. For a lot of people, especially those who go through trauma, that voice could become really loud. That voice tends to scream, to like want to come out, but it can't come out because it's blocked by the trauma. It's blocked by all these things that are holding that person back. But once you're able to break through that, once you're able to show them, you know, their true self, that can help break past all of that. So that's kind of like a big way to solve the problem. I know that's not a little action, but a little action that people can do to start changing their self-perception is um, you know, I kind of love and hate this at the same time, but it kind of is affirmations. However, affirmations did not work for me for a very long time. It wasn't until I kind of added something to it. So I'm gonna give you guys a little secret sauce moment over here. This is a little life hack, if you would, when it comes to affirmations, because what used to happen with me is I would look in the mirror, I would say the affirmation of the day, I would say it several times, and I just feel like I'm lying to myself. Okay. So when it came to that, what I ended up doing was I started doing what I called active affirmations. So what I would do is I started adding actual proof of whatever that affirmation might have been. So let's just say it's like the affirmation is I'm amazing and I look beautiful or I look handsome. I would bring back a moment from the past where it's maybe, you know, like, oh, when I was out shopping, someone said I looked really good or they liked my jacket or they like not my hair, but um maybe they liked something else. And for everyone who's just listening, I am completely bold, I have no hair. Um but it's like I would I would anchor that affirmation in something that was true, in something that actually did happen in my life, and then I would repeat that several times, and then I would work the affirmation again, and now it's stuck, and now it made sense. But when you're just saying these affirmations kind of blindly, you start feeling like you're lying to yourself. So take whatever the affirmation is, back it up with truth that you've experienced during your life, and that helps it stick. So that is kind of like my short little secret trick that you could do for free right now after watching into this.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

Because if like you said, you have a love and hate relationship with affirmations, and so do I. Because I would have many, many posters put up and still things didn't make sense until I I mean I did I wasn't able to vote it, and this is such like such a perfect explanation of everything that I was doing, and I was suggesting my friends and family is to do exactly that, and I have been calling it like an evidence journal where like I keep a notepad and I keep writing okay, what went well, and like if someone has complimented me, someone acknowledged my efforts, you know, whatever it is to make me feel good, but it's like real evidence. I'm not making it up in my mind. I'm really, really putting down things that have been done and said to me, which kind of reminds me of my own words and reminds me that hey, I'm good and I do a decent job and I'm passionate about it, and I'm just doing things in the right direction. It's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and moving towards it. So thank you for saying that. Because then when you read those applications and then you are reminded of a kid, then it kind of associates and it all begins to feel more meaningful and sensible because it is now attached to your reality as opposed to just yeah, just being a quote that you know rattle off off of a list or like on Google or whatever.

Fill Your Cup First To Give More

SPEAKER_02 38:06

Exactly, and that's the thing, it's bringing it into your world, bringing it into your reality, it's making these things real, tangible, physical, evidence-based, you know. Exactly. Um, especially with so much like fake news and AI-generated content out there. You know, we long for the truth. Okay. So if we're being negative about ourselves, we need to realize that's fake news. That's a false truth. That's not the reality. And it is backing it up with the actual evidence. It's like, yeah, my husband said I looked amazing in this dress. Or, you know what, I love the way I got my hair done today. The hairstylist did an amazing job, you know. You focus on those things, you focus on the positive, you focus on the good, but I know it's also easier said than done, you know? And a lot of people also dismiss it because it is too simple, it is too easy. But once you start actually trying this, once you actually start doing this, it's not that simple, you know, because it's like I would have affirmations, I would try backing them up, and I would struggle with it at times, but practiced more and more, and it became more natural, more in tune, and it just started flowing out a lot more easily. And there's so many days now I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I'm just like, dude, like you got this, like you're amazing. Like, damn, it's like you're looking sharp. And it's like, oh good. Thank you, Greg. Thank you, me. Um, and it helps me feel better. But it never was always like that, you know, it was always self-deprecating, it was always putting myself last. And it wasn't until I started putting myself first, but in a non selfish way, that things really started changing. Um, you know, this kind of also brings up another thing, which is a lot of us who are who grow up, especially in like a Catholic or Christian religion, you know, you're kind of told self sacrifice. You kind of Taught that that's like the greatest thing that you could do for people is just sacrifice yourself for others. However, it's kind of bullshit because you literally cannot take care of anybody else unless you take care of yourself first. And I found that put me into like a deep depression at one point where I was just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. And I got tapped out and I got into a really dark place. But it wasn't until I started giving to myself as well that things really started to change. And, you know, I kind of equate this to kind of like a pitcher of water. So if you imagine love as like a big pitcher of water, you're pouring that out to everybody around you. And what happens? You run out of water, you get depleted. The problem that most of us face is we rely on others to fill us back up with water. You can't always do that because people are always gonna kind of be doing their own thing, and not everybody could help you out, you know, when you need it. So when your pitcher of water, when your pitcher of love is kind of like depleted, this is when you kind of go into like depression state and negative self-talk, negative ideations and everything. So it's like, okay, so what's the answer to this? So how do we fill this picture back up? You gotta learn how to fill it back up yourself. And you fill it back up on your own by giving yourself the things that you want, the things that you need. And once you start doing that more and more, you realize your picture is fuller, and now you can continue giving out more love to everybody else around you. And then at that point, when people start loving you, now you're just overflowing with love, and that's when everything is freaking awesome and amazing. But yeah, you know, it's getting to that point and realizing that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

SPEAKER_00 41:48

Well, that will stay with me, Greg. And I was just thinking of you need to have your cup full for you to be able to pour from it, right? So if I'm not being a happy dipali, the I truly am from deep within me, I won't be able to give it to my son. I won't be a good happy mum. I like I don't want him to, yeah. I I don't want to be groggy and upset. I mean, once in a while it's okay when he troubles me and drives me crazy.

SPEAKER_02 42:21

It happens. This is part of having children. It gets both worse and better as they age because it's like, okay, now we got this problem down, but then it's like, oh, I did not see that coming. Um, so now this is the new issue to deal with. So it's a constant change. But it's it's a hundred percent true. If you're not in a good place, you're not gonna be able to take care of them. And when you're coming from like a negative place, so let's say your pitcher, your cup of love is tapped out, and you're still trying to provide and it's not coming out the right way, that's gonna stick with them. They're gonna see that, and they're gonna do the same. They are sponges. Oh my god, are they sponges?

SPEAKER_00 43:00

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 43:01

So you you really want to get as much positivity out as you can to them because that's what they pick up, and you know, good or bad, they're gonna pick it all up. So as much as you can, make it as good as possible.

Presence Over Productivity Guilt

SPEAKER_00 43:14

And thanks for saying that because it's so important, and it's and this is a very, I think, a rather late realization in my life. Like I was doing it, but may not be as sincerely this habit of being present in the moment right now, and it only came to me more intentionally when I had my son. He's 18 months old now. So like every time I would be with him and look at him and just play with him, he would be so deeply like engaged and connected and emotional about being with me and just would love me and be present, you know how kids are.

SPEAKER_02 43:49

Oh, yeah. I love them, I love them when they're in that itty bitty stage. They're so cute, they're so adorable. They just wanted to do everything.

SPEAKER_00 43:56

I wish I can hold hold him in my arms forever. But yeah, so as I was saying, right? Like, I went into a state of guilt that oh my god, while I'm with him, I'm thinking about work and planning my podcast and what food am I gonna make for dinner, you know. I need to do me prep and the house is a mess, and yadda yadda yadda. And one day, Greg, something within me shifted. I said, Well, I don't want to be this person, I don't want to be this mom. If my mum or my dad was was like this with me, I wouldn't be happy, like fully deeply engaged and crossed. So I don't want to be that mom to him. And that is when I completely like Greg, kid you not, I woke up as a different person. I started being so intentional and so physically present and mentally present and active and intentional with him and just with everything. So when he's at the daycare and I'm recording, I'm not thinking about okay, I'm not feeling bad, but he's at the daycare. But the moment I am in the car and he's out of the daycare, I am with him, and and no work commitment, no nothing comes in priority at that point. So it's like being fully, fully present and active, and not like planning the future or reminiscing some past memory or like replaying a bad moment. Not of that, none of that is gonna happen now. Yeah, so that has been a very powerful shift for me recently.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

It's such a huge shift, and it's funny that you bring that up because I kind of entered into that shift myself fairly recently, and it was from this one person. Um, I forgot his name, but like what he said, it was like so perfect, and it made so much sense, and it's as simple as this wherever you are, be there. So if you're with your child, be with your child. If you're at work, be at work, focus where you are, and whatever moment you're in, be in that moment. And that has just been like so amazing. So it's like I just recently came back from vacation and we went to Universal Studios in Florida and I lived it up. It was so much fun because I wasn't worrying about work, you know. I wasn't worried about that. I was just worried and focused, not worried, but I was focused on spending time with my family and enjoying all the rides and everything. And even though like it rained like the last two days, we still went to the parks, we still had fun, we had ponchos on and everything, and we still did the rides, and it was just a blast. And if I had work in the back of my mind, I would not have had as much fun. And I wouldn't and my kids wouldn't have had as much fun because I wouldn't be having as much fun, and like it would have just brought everybody down. So wherever you are, be there. I was like, once I heard that, I was just like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 46:35

That is so good. Not for anybody else, but really as a reminder for my own self-whatever you are so so so important. And and I feel like most of the people are missing it. Like, I don't want to be generalizing things for people, but you know, this is something that I need. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:53

It's true, but like here's the other thing we are human beings, we all go through a lot of the same things, okay? Some more than others. However, these kind of like important, simple life things like really do apply to everybody. It's not generalizing to say that like a lot of people are overworked, a lot of people are worked up because most of us are. Our focus is so all over the place. You know, we're on our phones, we're on our devices. We'll have a TV on at the same time, and we're going through our phones, like scrolling through stuff, and it's like worried about like eight different things at once, and it's like destroying our brains.

SPEAKER_01 47:32

I yeah, I feel that I'm doing that.

SPEAKER_02 47:34

Yeah, you know, I feel like my brain has degraded over the years, and it's like I can't memorize things as much as I used to, and I'm like blaming it on like, oh, I'm just getting older, but it's like, no, like once I started shifting my focus and focusing on kind of like one thing at a time, like wherever I am, just be there, everything like started feeling better internally, you know, and mentally, and everything. I'm just like that's all that it was. My brain was just all over the place, you know.

SPEAKER_00 48:05

As they say, the brain got fried up, right? With so many things at the same time, and you know, we're trying to control so many outcomes and also do so much on our to-do list. Like, I almost struggle on a daily basis to finish everything off and then sleep with a great amount of dis disappointment in my own self. Like, hey, we're not even halfway through this list, but you know, it's all fine.

SPEAKER_02 48:26

It's all yeah. It is because listen, even if you're just making a little bit of progress, progress is still progress, you know. I forgot who said this. I mean, that I have so many amazing quotes and things that like stick with me, but I have no idea who said that.

SPEAKER_00 48:39

Who said that, yeah. Whoever that vice person is, progress over perception. Yeah.

Progress, Time, And Grace

SPEAKER_02 48:43

Exactly. It might have been Steve Jobs, but it was along the lines of we kind of I'm gonna butcher the quote, but you know, like we think we could accomplish more in one year than we actually can, yet we undervalue what we can accomplish in like five or ten years. You know, I'm horribly paraphrasing here and butchering the quote. But, you know, like we think that there's like so much that we could get done in one year's time, where it's like, that's actually like a five-year plan that you just laid out for yourself. Yet if you lay out like a five or ten year plan, it's like you could probably accomplish all of that in one year, you know, because it's not as big as like you make it. Like we have this weird perception of time that isn't fully accurate. Like this whole year, like just like 2025 went by in like a blink of an eye for me. Like, I didn't go. I know, and it's like we're already at the end of it right now, and it's like, okay, what did I accomplish? And if you actually ask yourself that question and you look back, you'll probably be like, oh shit, I actually did accomplish a lot. Did I accomplish everything on my task list? No, maybe not. Did I get the goal that I was going for? Not quite. Did I get close? Yeah, like surprisingly so. Like, I feel like only maybe like two months have passed, even though it's been a year, but it's like, damn, I did accomplish a lot. I got all these things done. I've been on X amount of podcasts, I've been doing this, I've developed my systems, you know, and it's like I built all these things and I'm working towards it all. Did I want it accomplished at the end of the year? Yeah, like that's the goal, but it's okay that I didn't hit that because there's so much more involved than I thought there was. And this is what a lot of us don't realize when we make these goals, when we make these plans, you know, like, you know, by the end of the year, I'm gonna accomplish X, Y, Z. Once you start unpacking it, it's like, oh my God, X had like 50 different pieces behind it, where it's like I thought it would just be like a one, two, three thing. It's like, oh my God, I need to do this, I need to do that. So you need to give yourself grace and you need to realize it's like, no, I actually did accomplish a lot more than I even realized I did. And it's like once you start kind of like drilling things down, you're just like, oh yeah, I completely forgot I ran into that and I had to solve that problem. And it's like that wasn't on my list, but it had to get taken care of. So it's like that still counts, you know? Everything you do counts, and it's all building out who you really are. It's should be, at least. So it's like once you start living your life for you, that's when things really change, and that's where real progress is made.

SPEAKER_00 51:32

Thanks so much. Like, all of this is exactly like someone someone's giving birth to what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. So you did such a perfect job of doing that. Thanks so much, Greg. This was really Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 51:44

I tried.

SPEAKER_00 51:45

Before we wrap this up, I do want to say and circle back to that point of the bad chapter and the trauma, right? And how it is so tough to leave everything behind and move on. And and this has also been a very great learning for me that one bad chapter isn't the end of your story. In fact, it is not your story, it is just the beginning. It is sometimes the reason that you start to rewrite your story. And isn't that the most amazing, powerful thing? I don't know. It is a quote that that is mentioned on my website too, somewhere in my bio. If you have some time, I can put in the link and you can go read it. It says uh one bad chapter isn't the end of your story. Sometimes it's the beginning of one, or sometimes it's the reason why you start writing one, and that has been the case with me too. Like there's a reason why I started my podcast after so long, like after years and years of giving uh thought and trial and error and like overthinking, overthinking. I feel like I finally reached a point where I was like brimming with it, and I'm like, no, I cannot hold myself back. It has to go this way. Yeah, so we all have the power to rewrite our own stories and make it more and impactful and meaningful for us, not for anybody else, but truly for our own selves.

One Bad Chapter Is Not The Book

SPEAKER_02 53:00

And it's really just like kind of like reframing that too, because using your whole book analogy, let's say you have a bad chapter in your book, you need to realize the title of your book is not the chapter title. You know, the title of your book is The Life of De Pali, you know, it's not this sad thing happened to DePali, you know? So just know that you're in charge of how the rest of your book gets written. And if but a lot of people, this is where a lot of people struggle because it's like, what the hell is the next chapter? What is it called? What does it look like? How do I write it? You know? So this is where your self-perception comes into play. This is where introspection work comes into play. Because if you don't do that work, other people are gonna name the next chapter for you. Other people are gonna tell you what it's gonna be, life situations, you know, the economy. Like it's all gonna get written for you. And we don't want that. We don't want other people. Exactly. It's supposed to be written by you. It's your life, you're the one in charge of it. Start listening to that voice inside of you, start talking to it more, start doing introspection work to ask yourself the right questions to get to the core of who you are, and then you start writing the chapters yourself. And listen, the chapters are gonna be sloppy, they're not gonna be as good as you want them to be, but you're gonna see that these chapters are actually more progressive, and these chapters are actually pushing you towards the true ending that you really want, and that's like the beauty in all of it.

SPEAKER_00 54:38

Perfect. No, that's such a beautiful reminder, and thanks for saying that, reiterating that point again, Craig. Thank you again for your work, for your honesty.

SPEAKER_01 54:46

Oh please.

SPEAKER_00 54:47

And just the way that you pour belief into people who have actually forgotten their own, right? It yeah, it takes a lot for sometimes for people to see their own light and shine bright in that light. It can it can be tough. I know because I've been in that place and it's so such a fresh perspective. Yeah, such a fresh perspective to uh hear from you. So to everyone listening today, remember it begins not when you become someone else, but really when you finally see who you already are. Right? Now, Greg, tell us about um I mean I'm going to be putting all the links to your website and your social platforms in the show notes down below. But tell our listeners how they can find you, come say hi, or work with you.

SPEAKER_02 55:32

Yeah, so you could just go to gregoryjamesphotography.com. It is a lot to type in, so a little shortcut is you could just go to gregorejames.photo. Um, so that'll make it a little quicker to type. Uh, you could also find me on Instagram at GregoryJames.photo, and you can reach out to me, you can message me directly through there, you could sign up for my wait list, you know, on our website, and we can be in touch. You can find out more about me, you can find out more about the whole three-day experience and everything that's involved in there. We did not talk about that on this, you know, episode, which is fine. But when everybody hears everything that goes into this experience, you will see exactly how we get to the results that we do. So thank you again to Polly so much for you know, like adding all those links for me.

SPEAKER_00 56:21

Yeah, thanks, Greg. No, I'm I'm really honored. Um, and again, thank you so much for spending this time and sharing your wisdom with us. Like, in my heart, I know I really needed to hear you today. So it like it just gave my perfect time. So thanks once again.

SPEAKER_02 56:36

I love that. You're so very welcome. Thank you for having me on this podcast. Thank you for allowing me to speak to your audience, for speaking to you. I really enjoyed this conversation, and like you already said, I feel like I could talk to you for likeever. I can't believe we're already hitting our mark at this point, and it's like I feel like we're only halfway into it all. We might have to do another episode together.

SPEAKER_00 56:57

Are you reading my mind? I was just gonna say that uh let's do one if like if not in this year, then maybe early on in the next year. Like we don't want to do the end of the video. We talked about this, we did the entire video. I don't know. Thank you so much once again. I know you have a lot of people. Thank you so much.