Ep. 13 - Beyond the Pain: My 20-Year Battle

What if the loudest voice in your head is lying to you, and the quiet truth could save your life? Jessica opens her heart about twenty years of suicidal ideation, multiple attempts, and the stubborn belief that the pain would never end. Then she walks us through the practices that helped her nervous system settle, her thoughts soften, and her future come into view: therapy and medication for stability, meditation and neuroplasticity for rewiring, and a daily discipline that stacked tiny wins into lasting change.

We talk frankly about why “just be grateful” can feel cruel during crisis and how to make gratitude real again by pairing it with safety, structure, and support. Jessica shares the moment she chose to stay and the ripple effects that followed: running a salon, mentoring young women, launching a nonprofit focused on suicide education, and even advocating on Capitol Hill. None of this erases grief, she lost her dad and brother to suicide, but it proves that healing can be hard, non-linear, and still completely possible.

If you’re hurting, take what helps and leave the rest. Call 988 or 911 when you need urgent support. Then, when the ground is steady enough, experiment: a morning promise before your feet touch the floor, a guided meditation, a therapy session, a walk outside, a glass of water, a text to a friend. 

Your brain can change, and so can your story. Listen for hope, borrow belief until your own returns, and share this with someone who needs a reason to stay. If the message resonates, subscribe, leave a review, and pass it on, someone you love might hear exactly what they need today.

If you are in a crisis or feel unsafe, call or text 988 or dial 911 for immediate support. There are people out there who will listen and can help.

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Transcript

Why Gratitude Felt Impossible

The Turning Point To Staying

Tools That Rewired My Brain

Grief, Discipline, And Daily Practice

You Don’t Want To Die, You Want Relief

Closing Hope And Ways To Help

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi, I'm just Gigi, and this is the Justin Time Podcast. If you're struggling today, I want you to know this podcast is here for you, but it's not a substitute for professional health. If you're in a crisis or feel unsafe, please call or text 988 or dial 911 for immediate support. There are people out there who will listen and can help. On this show, I'll be sharing personal experiences, mindset shifts, talking with key experts, and sharing real tools that help me go from barely surviving to thriving. This is not about quick fixes or one size fits all advice. It's raw, it's honest, it's what worked for me and what I believe can help others too. Let's walk together from darkness to hope. Hi everybody, welcome back to Justin Time. I'm here solo today, and I have written something. This was on my heart, and I wanted to share it with you. Uh, the name of this podcast is going to be Why I'm Grateful I Didn't Kill Myself. And when I was struggling, I would search the internet and type in stuff like, Why didn't why shouldn't I kill myself? Or why do people kill themselves? And so I thought that this, if someone's out there and you're thinking about killing yourself, I really want you to hear this because I'm in a place now where I'm really grateful that I didn't kill myself. And I think a lot of people just you don't hear, you don't hear that enough. You don't hear people say, God, I'm so grateful that I didn't kill myself. Um, I know it's edgy, I know it's strong, but um, here's what I wrote. Today I want to talk about gratitude, but not the kind people casually throw at you when you're drowning, not the just be grateful advice that can feel dismissive when you're in deep pain. I want to talk about why I'm grateful I didn't kill myself. And that brings me to a moment when I was in crisis and people are like, just be grateful. Gratitude is the ultimate state of receivership, which is true. But when you're in a crisis, it's really, really hard to feel grateful because you just want to die. Um gratitude is hard when you're suffering. It's hard when you feel rejected by your family, dismissed, or thrown away like you didn't matter. It's hard when suicide has touched your family in multiple ways. It's hard when your own brain tries to convince you that the world would be better without you. I'm not speaking hypothetically, I'm speaking from lived experience. I've struggled with suicide ideation for over 20 years. I had multiple attempts, and in those moments, the pain felt permanent, even though it wasn't. Back then, I couldn't imagine a future version of myself that would ever say this. Today I can stand here and honestly say, I'm so grateful I didn't kill myself. Because if I had, I wouldn't be here now running a salon, mentoring young women, helping other people believe in themselves, helping them build careers, running a nonprofit, breaking the stigma, creating change. I wouldn't have my husband, I wouldn't have my baby on the way, and I wouldn't be contributing to society the way that I do today. I definitely couldn't imagine myself in Washington, D.C. at the Capitol advocating for suicide education prevention. But don't get me wrong, I still struggle sometimes, I still mess up, but this life, this version of me, she was worth staying for. So if you're listening right now and you're thinking about killing yourself, remember me. Remember Jessica, the girl who wanted to die for two decades and didn't think the pain would stop, who is now deeply grateful she stayed and is living a life that I'm not just coping with, but that I'm actually thriving in. Because that was the payoff for me. I didn't want to stick around if I was just having to deal with all these coping mechanisms. And don't get me wrong, coping mechanisms are needed, especially in crisis. Use them, please use them. But hear me out. I was at the point in my life where I was like, I want to live a life that I'm thriving and not constantly drowning in. And I am now. Your brain is lying to you. The pain is loud, but it's temporary. And I'm living proof of that. And you should never make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings. I tried everything therapy, counseling, psychiatry, doctors, but I didn't give up. Even when it took multiple attempts to find what worked, what ultimately helped me was learning how to reprogram my brain through meditation, intentional practice, and neuroplasticity. For those of you that that maybe this is the only podcast that you've listened to in our show, I did Dr. Joe Dispenses' intensive and progressive workshop. Then I flew to Germany and did his advanced. Then this is not geared towards suicide at all. Um, but this is what helped me reprogram my brain, overcome the depression, get me out of survival mode, and start living a life that I created from the future and not from the past. And it was much needed, you know, along with all of the counseling and the therapy and certain medications that I took to get to that point. So I'm not, if you're out there and you're struggling, like don't just stop everything and, you know, try to reprogram your brain. Just integrate it. That's all I'm saying. Integrate it. Because there is a way out. There is a way out. And this was the way out for me. And this is why I opened up the nonprofit to tell everybody this. After losing my dad and brother, it took me about 90 days before I could even smile again without feeling guilty. Healing wasn't instant, but it was possible. And let me tell you, when I say healing wasn't instant, it took really hard work, it took discipline, it took commitment, it took consistency, it took getting up every day and not letting my feet touch the ground until I told myself I was going to have a good day. Even if I didn't believe it, I told myself that. So it was kind of like fake it till you make it until you rewire and reprogram that part of your brain. If you've lost someone to suicide and you're struggling, recovery is possible for you too. There is a way out. You just have to keep searching for what's right for you. You don't want to die. You want the pain to stop. And there is another way. Stay, stick with me here on this earth. Your life has value, even if you can't see it yet. I hope that this resonated with somebody out there that is thinking about suicide. I hope that this touched somebody's heart, and I really want you to believe the words that I say because I never thought there would come a day where I would be sitting here today saying, I'm so grateful that I didn't kill myself. If this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, or share this. Uh, this podcast is part of just in time to save a life.org. You can go to our website if you would like to get more information and support us. Thank you so much. If you're struggling, remember how you think is how you feel. If your feelings feel heavy, start by shifting the thought. You're not stuck. Your brain can change, so can your story. I'm Jessica G. This is the Justin Time podcast, and I'll see you next time. Until then, keep going. Never give up. And remember, the world is better with you in it, whether you believe it or not. To help reach others, please share this with your friends, family, and don't forget to like, subscribe, and donate.