Does Your Support System Actually Support You? | Trauma Rock Stars™

Discover how to build a support system that truly 
supports your healing journey and identify the energy 
drains and toxic relationships blocking your recovery. 
Trauma healing advocate Tracy Smaldino breaks down the 
4 types of people in your life, and shows you how to 
Audit your relationships so you stop giving backstage 
access to the wrong people.

In this episode:
- Why not everyone in your life is your crew
- The 4 types of people in your world:
  Crew, Fans, Bystanders & Energy Drains
- How trauma scrambles your ability to read 
  who is safe
- Why you keep giving crew-level access to 
  the wrong people
- How to audit your current support system
- Why being crew for yourself has to come first
- How to communicate what you actually need

"Without the crew, there is no show."
"Your crew is whoever shows up with those qualities."
"Stop auditioning people with your trauma."
— Tracy Smaldino

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Here's something most people don't know about the concert industry. The artist gets all the glory. Their name is on the marquee, their face is on the ticket, their voice is what fills the arena. But without the crew, there is no show. The crew shows up before anybody else. They load in the gear, build the stage, hang the lights, run the sound, manage the monitors, troubleshoot everything that could go wrong in real time. And they do it all invisibly so that when the artist walks out under those lights, everything is perfect. Everything looks effortless. Everything lands exactly the way it's supposed to. I spent years in the music industry as production manager of House of Blues Las Vegas, and I can tell you the biggest artists in the world know exactly who their crew is. They become family. They know their names. They know what they do. They trust them completely because they understand that the quality of their performance is directly connected to the quality of the people holding everything up behind the scenes. Now let me ask you something. Who is your crew? Not who you wish was your crew, not who you think should be your crew, who is actually showing up for you behind the scenes without the glory, when it's hard, when it's messy, when you need someone to hold something up so you can keep going. Because here's what I've learned: not everyone in your life is your crew. And knowing the difference, really knowing it, is one of the most important things you can do for your healing journey. I'm Tracy Smaldino. This is Trauma Rock Stars, and today we're going to talk about your crew. In the concert world, the crew is not the audience. The audience shows up, they enjoy the show, and they go home. The crew is different. The crew has skin in the game. They are invested in the outcome. They are there before the show and after the show and every hard moment in between. The crew and your healing journey is the same thing. These are not the people who show up for the highlight reel. They're not the ones who like your Instagram posts, tell you you're doing great from a comfortable distance. Your crew is the people who show up when it's not pretty, who are there for the teardown. When you're in the bridge, which is the hard, uncomfortable middle, when you need someone to hold the light so you can find your way. A great crew has a few defining qualities. They show up consistently, not just when it's convenient. They are honest with you, even when the truth can be hard to hear. They don't make your healing about them. They hold space without trying to fix everything. And they celebrate your wins without jealousy. Here's what I want you to notice about that list. None of those qualities require a long history or even a blood relationship. Your crew is not automatically your family. It's not automatically your oldest friends. Your crew is whoever shows up with those qualities. Someone can love you deeply and still not be built for your crew right now. Love is not the same as capacity. Someone can care about you and still be too caught in their own storm to hold the light for yours. That doesn't make them a bad person. It just means they're not your crew for this leg of the tour. Your crew is not defined by who has known you the longest. It's defined by who shows up when it counts. Some of the most important people in your healing journey are people you haven't even met yet. I want you to get excited about that. And some people you've known your whole life may not be equipped to be on this crew right now. Both of those things can be true at the same time. I want you to give the framework for understanding the different people in your life because we often get confused about what role people are actually playing. And when you're confused about that, we put the wrong people in the wrong roles and wonder why things fall apart. Think of it like this. Think of it like the different people at a concert. Everyone has a role. Not everyone's role is the same. The first type's the crew. These are your people. They're invested in your healing and growth. They show up consistently, hold you accountable with love. They celebrate your wins. They sit with you through the hard stuff. They ask nothing in return except the same energy back. Your crew is small. It should be small. Maybe three people who truly show up are worth more than 30 who are just along for the ride. I had to learn that the hard way. I want you to ask yourself this. Who in my life consistently shows up without being asked? Who do I feel completely safe being honest with? And then there's the other type: the fans. The fans love you. They're genuinely happy for you. They cheer from the audience. They share your episodes. They send encouraging messages, but they're not backstage. They don't have access to the full picture and they're not equipped to hold it. Fans are wonderful and important, but they're not the crew. Don't confuse a fan's enthusiasm with a crew member's commitment. Remember that. Don't confuse a fan's enthusiasm with a crew member's commitment. I want you to ask yourself this: who in my life is supportive but surface level? Who do I perform for instead of being real with? And then the third type are the bystanders. These are the people who are present but not really engaged. They're in your life, maybe family, coworkers, maybe old friends, but they're not contributing to your healing and they're not actively hurting it either. They just exist in your world. And bystanders are fine. You don't need to cut everyone who isn't your crew. You just need to know who they are so you don't accidentally give them crew level access to your heart. So ask this who am I spending significant energy on who isn't really showing up for me? Am I expecting crew from someone who is an actual bystander? And then there's the four type, and that's the energy drainers. We all know them. This one is hard because sometimes the people who drain our energy are the people we love. Energy drains are the people who consistently leave you feeling worse after you spend time with them. So feelings like exhaustion, maybe they make you feel small, anxious, guilty, confused. They may not be doing it intentionally, but the impact is real. That's the energy they're giving you. And if you are pouring your limited energy into relationships that consistently drain instead of restore, you are performing the show of your life with no fuel in the tank. So ask yourself this: who do I feel depleted after spending time with? Who makes me feel like I have to manage their emotions instead of my own? So the four types: the crew, the fans, the bystanders, and the energy drainers, most of us have all four in our lives. The work isn't to eliminate everyone except the crew. The work is to get clear on who is who. So you stop giving crew level access to people who haven't earned it. So stop expecting crew level support from fans and bystanders, and especially the energy drainers. So start being honest with yourself about who is actually costing you more than they're giving. Here's something really important to understand. Trauma does not just affect how you feel about yourself, it affects how you read other people. It scrambles your ability to accurately assess who is safe, who's trustworthy, and who actually has your best interests at heart. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional and consistent or came with strings attached, your nervous system learns that love and safety are not reliable. So you may have developed some patterns that made sense then but are working against you now. Maybe you overtrust quickly because closeness feels urgent and you've always been afraid of being abandoned. That's okay. So you hand out a crew pass on a first date. You share everything too soon. You make yourself completely vulnerable before someone has shown you they can handle it. And then when they can't, it confirms the old belief that you had that nobody can be trusted. Or maybe you do the opposite. Maybe your wall is so high that you have systematically kept everyone at fan level because crew level access feels way too dangerous. So you perform for everybody. You seem close to many people, but you're actually not close to anyone. And you carry everything alone because that's safer than the risk of being let down by someone you actually let in. Both of those patterns make complete sense as trauma responses. And both of them keep you from building the crew you actually need. I did all of these for years. All of them. I would teeter-totter back and forth. I would get let down by someone, and my wall would get bigger. And the letdown was my own fault because I didn't give them a chance to show me if they were crew level or not. And then I would put guards up and I couldn't see a good thing that was right in front of me. I struggled for years trying to figure out who was genuine or not. I had a lot of heartache. But it was because I lacked the tools I needed. You know what's interesting? When I built the Life Audit quiz, one of the things it reveals is exactly this. This is so important. Where you are in your healing journey often predicts the kind of crew challenges you're dealing with right now. If you're not sure what's actually going on beneath the surface, go take the quiz. It's literally eight questions and it just takes a few minutes and it's free. I'll drop the link in the show notes. It might tell you more than you expect. So here's your first step: audit your current crew. Look at the five people, not your kids, but the five people you spend the most time with and the five people you turn to when things get hard. For each one, honestly ask: are they crew, fan, bystander, or energy drain? This isn't about judging anybody. This is just about getting yourself clarity. You cannot build a strong crew if you don't know who is actually on the stage with you right now. And then the second step is stop auditioning people with your trauma. A lot of us share our most vulnerable, painful stuff very early in relationships as a way of testing whether someone is safe. I understand the impulse, believe me, but your deepest wounds are not audition material. Crew access is earned over time through consistently showing up, not granted in one emotional conversation. Let people show you who they are before you hand them that backstage pass. And then the third step, communicate what you need. Your crew cannot read your mind. One of the most powerful things you can do is to learn to say out loud the kind of support that you need in any given moment. Do you need someone to listen without fixing? Say that. Do you need honest feedback? Ask for it. Do you need someone to just sit with you? Tell them. I've said several times, I just need to vent. I don't want any feedback. You have to learn to tell people what you need. Crew members who want to show up for you will step up when crew members who want to show up for you will step up when you're clear about what that looks like. And then step four, be crew for yourself first. Before you can build a healthy crew around you, you have to be willing to be your own crew, to show up for yourself consistently, to speak honestly to yourself, to hold yourself accountable with love instead of shame, to celebrate your wins. The quality of your crew often reflects the quality of your relationship with yourself. Think about that. The quality of your crew often reflects the quality of your relationship with yourself. Build that first. And here's what I want you to take away from today. You do not have to do this alone. You were never meant to do this alone. The most iconic performances in history, the ones that changed culture, moved people to tears, created something that lasted. That didn't happen alone. That happened because the right crew was in place. Your healing journey is your headlining moment, and it deserves a crew that is equal to the show you are trying to give. Remember, the energy you put out is the energy you receive. This week I want you to do one thing. Write down the names of three to five people who are genuinely crew for you right now. People who show up, who are safe, who hold on. If you can't name three, that's information for you. That means building your crew is the work right now. And that's okay. That is exactly where to start. And while you're at it, if you need music for this week's healing work, go check out Trauma Rock Stars, Songs That Saved Us. It's a playlist I created on Spotify and it's awesome. I built it from songs that literally carried me through some of the hardest parts of my journey. The link will be in the show notes. And then also, we are still in our one-year anniversary celebration, and the giveaway is still open. One lucky rock star is going to win a complimentary spot in the Backstage Pass 90-day program that I offer. Just subscribe to the newsletter by July 31st and you're in. Remember, you are not a groupie in somebody else's story. You are the headliner of your own. And headliners, they always know their crew. I'm Tracy Smaldino. This is Trauma Rock Stars, and I'll see you next Tuesday. The content on this podcast revolves around personal life experiences and is meant to serve as a learning tool. I am not a certified therapist or medical expert. This podcast doesn't offer medical, psychological, or professional advice. If you're curious about your mental or physical well being, feel free to reach out to a licensed healthcare professional for assistance.