Ep: 41 – I Wasn’t Happy Either, But That’s Not the Point

Feeling unhappy in your relationship before betrayal is real. It matters. But it is not the starting point for healing.

In this episode of Women Cheat Too, Judith Nisenson breaks down why bringing up your unhappiness too early in the recovery process can unintentionally derail repair. When betrayal is first discovered, your partner is not trying to understand your experience yet. They are trying to stabilize their reality and make sense of what just happened.

Judith explains the difference between explanation and ownership, and how shifting the focus too quickly can feel like blame or justification, even when that is not your intention. She also walks through the deeper work behind the statement “I wasn’t happy,” helping you explore how you handled that unhappiness and what needs to change moving forward.

If you’ve struggled with wanting to be understood while also trying to repair the damage, this episode will help you understand why timing matters and how accountability creates the foundation for deeper conversations later.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Women Cheat 2, the podcast where women who've cheated come to ask the hard questions, face the truth, and begin rebuilding from the inside out. Hosted by Judith Nissenson, a certified betrayal trauma coach, this show offers compassion without excuses and accountability without shame.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Hi, I'm Judith Nissenson, a certified betrayal trauma coach, and this is Women Cheat Too. Today we're going to talk about something that comes up all the time after betrayal, and it's one of those things that feels true when you say it, but it can completely derail the healing process if it's brought in the wrong way or at the wrong time. It sounds like this. I wasn't happy either. And I want to slow this down right away because I don't want you to feel dismissed or shut down as you're listening to this. You may not have been happy. You may have felt alone in your relationship. You may have felt disconnected, unseen, emotionally neglected or stuck. You may have been carrying resentment that you didn't know how to express. You may have tried to bring things up and felt like nothing changed. All of that can be real. But here's the truth we need to sit in today. It's not the point, at least not at the beginning of healing. And what I mean by that is this. When betrayal is discovered, your partner is not trying to understand your unhappiness yet. They're trying to understand what just happened to the reality. Their world has been disrupted, their sense of safety has been shaken. The relationship they thought they were in now feels uncertain, confusing, and in most cases completely unrecognizable. Their nervous system is an override. Their mind is racing. They're replaying moments, questioning memories, and trying to piece together what was real and what wasn't. And in that moment, when they are in that level of shock and pain, what they need from you is not explanation. They need clarity, they need truth, they need accountability. But when I wasn't happy either enters a conversation too early, it shifts the focus away from impact and toward explanation. And that shift, even if it feels small to you, lands differently for your partner. It can feel like blame, it can feel like justification, it can feel like you're saying this happened because of something missing in you. Even if that's not your intention. This is where intention and impact start to separate. You may be trying to share your experience, but your partner is hearing something else entirely. And this is where a lot of couples get stuck because now both people feel misunderstood. You feel like your truth isn't being heard, they feel like their pain is being minimized. And instead of moving toward each other, you move further apart. So let's break this down in a more grounded way. When you say, I wasn't happy either, what you're really trying to do is make sense of your own behavior. You're trying to connect the dots. You're trying to say, This didn't come out of nowhere. And that's fair. But there's a difference between understanding your behavior and using that understanding in a way that supports healing. And that difference comes down to timing and ownership. Early in the process, the focus has to stay on ownership. That sounds like I made choices that hurt you. I broke trust. I understand the impact of what I did. I'm here to be honest with you. There's no but in that, there's no balancing statement, there's no attempt to make the story feel more even. It's just ownership. And ownership is what creates the first layer of safety. Now, this doesn't mean your unhappiness doesn't matter. It does. But it belongs in a different part of the conversation. Because your unhappiness is part of the relationship story. Your choices are part of the betrayal story. And those are not the same conversation. When those two conversations get blended together too early, it creates confusion. It prevents your partner from fully processing what happened and it prevents you from fully stepping into accountability. So let's go deeper into your side for the moment. Because this is where real growth starts. If you were not happy, the real question is not just why. The deeper question is, what did I do with that unhappiness? Did you speak it clearly? Did you avoid it? Did you minimize it? Did you hope it would change on its own? Did you disconnect instead of addressing it directly? Did you look outside of the relationship instead of staying inside the discomfort? This is where the work is. Because unhappiness in the relationship is not unusual. Every long-term relationship goes through periods of disconnection, frustration, and unmet needs. What matters is how those moments are handled. And if your default response was avoidance, silence, resentment, or escape, that's the pattern that needs to be understood. Not just for your partner, for you. Because if that pattern doesn't change, it will show up again. Maybe not in the same way, but in some form. And your partner can feel that, even if they can't fully explain it. They're not just asking why this happened. They're asking, what makes this different now? That's the real question underneath everything. So when I wasn't happy either is used as a statement, it can sound like this makes sense. But what needs to be communicated instead is this. I didn't handle my unhappiness in a healthy or honest way. That's a completely different message. That's where growth begins. That's where your partner starts to see that you're not just explaining what happened, you're understanding your role in it. And that understanding builds credibility. Now let's talk about something else that's really important here. There is a part of you that wants to be understood. That's human. You want your partner to see your side. You want them to understand that you were not just out there being reckless or careless. You want them to know that something inside you was struggling. And that need makes sense. But if you try to get that understanding too early, it backfires. Because your partner's not in a place where they can hold both your experience and their pain at the same time. They're still trying to stabilize their own emotional reality. So when you push for understanding, they feel pressure. And pressure creates more distance. This is one of the hardest parts of this process. You have to hold your truth without needing it to be received right away. You have to trust that there will be time for that conversation. But that time comes after safety is rebuilt, not before. And safety is rebuilt through consistency. Consistency in your behavior, consistency in your honesty, consistency in how you show up when things are uncomfortable. This is where your actions start to matter more than your explanations because your partner is watching. They are watching for patterns. They are watching to see if your words line up with your behavior. They are watching to see if you can stay present without becoming defensive. And every time you show up with steadiness, something small begins to shift. Not all at once, but slowly. And that slow shift is what creates the possibility of deeper conversations later. Now, let's talk about the fear underneath all of this. Because for many of you, there is a fear that if your unhappiness doesn't get acknowledged, it will never matter. There's a fear that the entire relationship will now revolve around your partner's pain. There's a fear that you will lose your voice completely. And I want to be clear with you, that's not the goal. The goal is not for you to disappear, the goal is for you to grow. And growth means learning how to hold your truth in a way that builds connection instead of breaking it. It means understanding that timing matters. It means recognizing that there are phases in healing. And right now, if you're early in the process, the phase is accountability. Later there will be a phase for deeper understanding. Later there will be a phase for rebuilding the relationship itself. But those phases cannot be rushed. If you try to jump ahead, you skip the foundation. And without a foundation, nothing holds. So if you find yourself wanting to say, I wasn't happy either, I want you to pause and ask yourself, why do I want to say this right now? Is it to be understood? Is it to balance a story? Is it to reduce your own discomfort? Is it to explain your behavior? And then ask yourself, is this the right moment for that conversation? That level of awareness changes everything. Because now you're not just reacting, you're choosing how to show up. And that's what your partner needs to see. Not perfection, not the right words every time, but awareness, responsibility, consistency. That's what builds trust again. Before we wrap up today, let's take a breath and recap where we've been. You may not have been happy in your relationship, and that matters, but it's not the starting point for healing after betrayal. Bringing that into the conversation too early can feel like blame or justification and can slow down repair. The focus first has to be on accountability, impact, and rebuilding safety. I have to say that again because you guys sometimes don't get it. Rebuild safety. Your unhappiness is part of the story, but your responsibility for how you handle it is where the world begins. Over time, when trust starts to rebuild, there will be a space for deeper conversations about the relationship itself. But that comes later. Right now, your role is to show up with honesty, steadiness, and willingness to take full ownership of your actions. And I know many of you have asked in the past how long do you do how long is this going to take? What I can say is that the sooner you stay consistent, the closer you are. I'm here for you, and you don't have to do this. Thanks for listening and remember your pain.