Ep: 45 – “It Wasn’t That Serious”… Until It Was

“It wasn’t that serious” is a phrase many women say when reflecting on how a betrayal started. And in the beginning, it may have felt true.

In this episode of Women Cheat Too, Judith Nisenson explores the gap between how something feels in the moment and what it becomes over time. She breaks down how small, seemingly harmless interactions can evolve into secrecy, disconnection, and broken trust, often without a clear turning point.

Judith also explains why this phrase can feel invalidating to your partner, and how focusing only on the beginning of the story ignores the full impact of what happened. She walks through how to hold both truths, that it didn’t feel serious at first, and that it became something serious in its impact.

If you’ve found yourself trying to explain the beginning without fully acknowledging the outcome, this episode will help you understand the progression, take clearer ownership, and build a shared reality that supports healing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Women Cheat 2, the podcast where women who've cheated come to ask the hard questions, face the truth, and begin rebuilding from the inside out. Hosted by Judith Nissenson, a certified betrayal trauma coach, this show offers compassion without excuses and accountability without shame.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Hi, I'm Judith Nissenson, a certified betrayal trauma coach, and this is Women Cheat Too. Today we're going to talk about something that shows up in almost every betrayal story. And it's one of those phrases that feels harmless when you say it but carries a lot of weight underneath it. It sounds like this. It wasn't that serious. And I want you to really sit with that because if you're honest, there's a good chance that at some point you've said that to yourself. Maybe you said it early on when things were just starting. Maybe you said it to justify continuing. Or maybe you said it after everything came out, trying to explain to your partner what happened wasn't as big as it feels now. The truth is, when you say it wasn't that serious, you're speaking from your experience of it in the moment, and from your side, that may have been completely true. It may have felt light, casual, disconnected from your real life. It may have felt like something that existed in a separate space, something that didn't carry the same weight as your actual relationship. But here's what we have to unpack today. Something doesn't have to feel serious in the moment to become serious over time. And the gap between how it felt to you and what it became is where a lot of the damage lives. Let's slow this down and really look at how this unfolds because this rarely starts in a dramatic or obvious way. It doesn't usually begin with a conscious decision to betray your partner. It begins with something small, a conversation, a moment of attention, a connection that feels easy, something that feels like a break from whatever is happening in your relationship or in your life. Maybe you were feeling disconnected or overlooked or just emotionally off. Maybe you didn't even fully realize how much you had checked out of your relationship. And then this other interaction shows up and it feels different. It feels lighter. There's no history, no pressure, no unresolved tension. It's just easy. And in that space, nothing feels serious. It feels like a moment. It feels like relief. It feels like something you can step into and out of without affecting anything else. But what often gets missed is the shift. The moment when it stops being just a moment and starts becoming something you think about, something you look forward to, something you begin to protect. And that shift is usually quiet. It doesn't come with an announcement. It doesn't feel like a line has been crossed. It feels like a continuation of something that still doesn't feel like a big deal. But that's where things start to change. Because the seriousness of something is not defined by how it feels in the beginning. It's defined by what it becomes and what it requires you to hide. The moment you feel like you can't fully share what's happening, the moment you start leaving things out, downplaying or keeping parts of your experience separate from your partner, it has already become serious, whether you acknowledge it or not. This is where many women struggle when they look back. They remember how it felt at the beginning and they hold on to the version of that story. They say it wasn't that serious because they're remembering how it started. Their partner is responding to how it ended and what it became. And those are two completely different experiences. Your partner's not responding to your intention or your early perception. They're responding to the impact. They are responding to the fact that something was hidden, something grew, and something crossed a boundary that changed the foundation of the relationship. So when they hear it wasn't that serious, it doesn't land as reassurance. It lands as minimization. It sounds like you're saying this shouldn't hurt you as much as it does. And that creates a disconnect because from their perspective, it is serious. It has affected how they see you, how they see the relationship, and how they see themselves. Let's talk about why we hold on to that phrase, because there's a reason it feels so important to say. When you say it wasn't that serious, you're trying to hold on to a version of yourself that feels safer. You're trying to say, I didn't mean for this to become what it became. You're trying to separate who you are from what happened. And that's a very human response. Nobody wants to see themselves as someone who caused deep pain or broke trust in a significant way. So the mind looks for ways to reduce that weight. It looks for language that softens the impact. It looks for explanations that make that story feel more manageable. But here's the problem when you soften the story, you also soften accountability. And when accountability is softened, your partner doesn't feel understood. They feel like they have to keep proving how much it hurt, and that keeps both of you stuck. So the shift here is not about invalidating your experience, it's about expanding it. It's about being able to say it didn't feel serious to me at the time, but I can see now that it became something serious. That statement holds both truths. It doesn't erase your experience, but it also doesn't dismiss your partners. And that's where connection starts to rebuild. Because now you're not arguing about the size of the impact, you're acknowledging it. This also requires you to look at the progression, not just a starting point, you have to be willing to look at how something that felt small evolved into something that required secrecy and created distance and that ultimately broke trust. And that means paying attention to the moments where you knew something was shifting but chose not to address it. Those moments matter. The moment you didn't say anything, the moment you told yourself it was harmless, the moment you decided to keep it to yourself, those are the moments where something that wasn't serious started to become serious. And this is where growth happens. Not in judging yourself, but in understanding your pattern. Because if you don't understand how it evolved, you can't prevent it from happening again. You'll keep looking for the big moment when in reality it's the small repeated moments that create the outcome. Now let's talk about what your partner actually needs in this process. Because this is where things begin to shift. Your partner does not need you to convince them that it wasn't a big deal. They need you to understand why it became a big deal. They need to feel that you see the impact clearly without minimizing it or trying to reshape it. When they feel that understanding, something begins to settle. They stop feeling like they have to defend their pain. They stop feeling like they have to explain why it matters. And that allows the conversation to move forward instead of staying stuck in the same loop. This doesn't mean the pain goes away immediately. It doesn't mean trust is restored overnight, but it creates a different emotional environment, one where both of you are looking at the same reality instead of arguing over two different versions of it. And that shared reality is what rebuilding trust depends on. There's also something important here about how you move forward. If you continue to treat small things as not that serious, you risk repeating the same pattern. The lesson here is not just about the past, it's about learning to recognize when something needs attention before it becomes something you have to hide. It's about catching the moment where something feels off and choosing honesty instead of avoidance. It's about speaking up earlier, being more aware of your boundaries and being more intentional about what you allow into your emotional space. That's how you break the pattern, not by focusing on the outcome, but by changing how you respond in the early stages. Before we wrap up today, I want you to reflect on this in a very honest way. Where are you still holding on to the idea that it wasn't that serious? And what would it look like to see the full progression of what actually happened? Not to shame yourself, but to understand it more clearly. Because clarity is what leads to change, and change is what allows something new to be built. So let's take a breath and recap where we've been. Something that didn't feel serious in the moment can still become serious over time, especially when it crosses into secrecy and begins to affect the relationship. The phrase it wasn't that serious often reflects how something felt at the beginning, not what it became. When that phrase is used during repair, it can come across as minimization and prevent your partner from feeling understood. The shift is learning to hold both true, that it didn't feel serious then, and that it became something serious in its impact. That awareness allows for clear accountability, deeper understanding, and the opportunity to rebuild trust on a shared reality. If you're ready to go deeper into this work, I've created resources to help you do exactly that. Check out my website at shaders.com for tools, guidance, and next steps where you can learn about my betrayer groups and one-on-one coaching. If you need more direct support, you can email me at Judith at women's work.com and be sure to find me on Instagram at the Sheeters, where I continue sharing insights and support around this work. I'm here for you, and you don't have to do this alone. Thanks for listening, and remember your pain matters.