Different Backgrounds, Perfect Match | Why “Similar Backgrounds” Matters Less Than You Think

Are you a highly educated career woman struggling to find a compatible partner? In this eye-opening episode of Love & Life, Sorted, Dr. Sandy To challenges the common belief that your perfect match must have the same education level, career status, or socio-economic background as you.

Drawing from real-life stories — including her friend with a PhD and MBA who finally found love in her early 40s with someone very different from her — Dr. To reveals why "similar on paper" often leads to boredom, intimidation, or missed connections. She shares powerful insights from Jon Birger’s book Date-onomics about the global shortage of university-educated men and why successful women need to expand their dating criteria.

Learn how to balance compatibility in values and lifestyle while staying open to partners who bring fresh energy, different skills, and new perspectives into your life. Whether you're single and highly accomplished or simply wondering what makes a truly good match, this episode offers practical, realistic dating advice that goes beyond traditional expectations.

If you've ever felt that "there aren't enough eligible men" or wondered whether you should date "down," "across," or completely outside your usual type — this conversation will give you fresh hope and actionable strategies.

🎧 Perfect for professional women, career-driven singles, and anyone tired of conventional matchmaking advice.

#DatingAdvice #SuccessfulWomen #HighAchievingWomen #RelationshipAdvice #FindLove #DatingForProfessionals #ModernDating #LoveAndMarriage #CareerWomen #Date-onomics #SingleAndSuccessful #BeyondYourType #GoodMatch #Love&LifeSorted #WomenEmpowerment #MarriageAdvice #DatingTipsForWomen #ExpandYourOptions

🔑 Key Topics:

• What really makes a good match in relationships
• Why matching education and career level isn't always the best strategy
• Real stories of highly educated women finding love with "different" partners
• The global imbalance: more university-educated women than men
• Dating advice from Date-onomics by Jon Birger
• Overcoming societal and family pressure in partner selection
• How different backgrounds can bring fresh energy and complementary skills
• Why accomplished women should consider dating outside their usual socio-economic circle
• Balancing compatibility vs. excitement and personal growth in relationships
• Practical tips for successful single women seeking love

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hi everyone, welcome back to Love and Life Sorted. I'm Dr. Sandy Toe, and today I want to talk about, you know, what constitutes a good match. Yeah, so whether you're single or married, this is a question that you can, you know, reflect upon or ask yourself. You know, what is like a good match between a couple, right? So is it like uh well, uh let's let's uh talk about the the basics, of course. Uh they are, you know, compatibility on some level uh of of personality um or like interests and values, right? Those are like the the non-negotiables or are the very basic fundamental elements that work, you know. Um but what about let's talk about like socioeconomic criteria? Um if you are a single highly educated professional woman, uh would you actually want to find a partner who is on the same level as you in terms of education level, in terms of professional level, uh and career status? Yeah, um the thing is you have to ask yourself this question: what is the best match for you and what are you looking for? Yeah, so do you think that it is vital for you to find someone who is very similar to you in terms of your uh education and your career? Like, say if you were a doctor, uh a medical doctor, then do you prefer to find like uh a partner who is also a doctor or also works in the medical field, or something that's like very similar in in terms of this level, like uh maybe another professional, right? Someone who works as uh another white-collar professional uh with a very similar educational background as you. Or if you were you had a master's degree, would you prefer someone who also had a master's degree? Or uh if you are from like uh an elite college, would you prefer someone who's also from an elite institute uh institution? Yeah, like uh these are questions that we do have to ask ourselves. For some people, they're more comfortable if they're with someone who's very similar in terms of family background, even, right? So maybe they're from a middle class family, they really want to find someone who uh is also middle class or above, or they want to find someone with very similar socio-economic background as them. Yeah, like these are things like we maybe take for granted. Uh usually, you know, people would think that like introducing someone to you, uh for instance, they would think that, oh okay, like I must uh introduce someone, uh I must find someone who's like at a very similar level as her. Or else uh they won't find it to be a good match. Like they won't think that the prospects, you know, the the the the the the candidate that I introduce is is any good, and then you know I would fail as a matchmaker. I don't want to introduce uh her to someone who like uh is too different from her, right? Yeah, so the thing is like what is too different, right? So like I have a friend uh who is probably one of the most accomplished women that I have ever known, okay? Uh and one of these days uh she she will uh she promised that she would come up and talk about her story. Yeah, like that would be very interesting. Okay, so yeah, I have a friend um who is uh really accomplished. She's got she's got a PhD and an MBA, okay, from uh prestigious institutions. And she also took a long time to find a partner. Uh she she found a partner in her early 40s. Yes. So uh throughout, you know, her her whole entire Um 30s, like she she had been struggling a lot to find someone who's right for her. Uh she's had long-term relationships, but they, you know, they just didn't happen to work out. Yeah, so uh she was really open to asking a lot of people to introduce to her. Uh and so uh her friends uh who introduced someone to her, like they like she would always end up, you know, trying to find like men who are PhDs for her or men who are university professors for her, you know? And she would end up saying, uh like each time, yeah, you know, I I met up with these guys, but if they're not my cup of tea, you know, even though I'm like a scientist. Like she she's like in the science field, like she does research, like really highbrow research. And so she's like, Yeah, I am like a a scient uh a scientist and a researcher and everything, but it doesn't mean that I have to find someone who is exactly the same as me, you know. So so like can you guys stop introducing me to like other male professors? Um, because I just don't feel like uh they're a good match for me. I I I just felt that they were like uh a wee bit too boring. Yeah, so so you know, I'm sorry about that. Like coming coming from her, it it it is like sounding a little ironic, right? Because she is, you know, she's a self-proclaimed nerd. Like she like reads a lot, she does a lot of research, writes a lot of papers, and she, you know, see she's a self-proclaimed nerd. She's like, you know, yeah, I'm so nerdy and everything. But like she has her other like side, which is like also very humorous. Yeah, she's like really funny and humorous and really playful and down to earth. You know, like she she she she does all this highbrow stuff, but she's like like one of the most down to earth girls that I ever knew. Yeah, and but she's like, well, you know, I I I'm afraid that I I I I I come off as too nerdy, and so like that's one of the reasons why like guys, like they're probably well, can you use intimidated, but yeah, put off or intimidated by um my my by her nerdiness, like she means. Like they they think that all she does is read and never goes out, never has fun, and uh that's why she can't really meet guys on her own uh unless she doesn't reveal what she does, okay? You know, but but I think like conversation with her, you could tell that she's like quite intellectual too, you know, like cultured and intellectual. Yeah, you you won't get the wrong idea, okay? Yeah, so for her, it's exactly because she has this difficulty meeting guys on her own. She has this burden on her that you know, guys find her intimidating or I don't know, too studious, too nerdy, and so she can't find guys on her own. So she asks her friends to introduce, and all these friends are not professors, okay? She she she has so many friends who are just like um you know, uh they like to go out, they like to party, and they're just, you know, they're they're not like uh well nerdy, as as she says of herself, okay? And these friends, like they they try so hard to find guys who are like her, okay? And they never ended up working. Yeah, and you know, for in the end, I can tell you that like uh what she did had worked out, and she finally found like a really great guy who's not a professor, who's like totally different from her, and she got married in her early 40s. Yeah, so um congratulations to her, and I can't wait to have her on the show to talk about her very successful story on her own, alright? Um, but okay, as of now, I'm not gonna spoil the surprise. I'm not gonna tell you how she met her husband, but I can tell you that he is not a professor. Okay, he is definitely very different from her in like uh on the level of uh education and uh profession. Okay, so yeah, that's not to say that he's not educated. So uh, you know, he he can be educated in his own capacity, except he's just not uh he's not a PhD, okay? And that that worked wonders for her. It worked the best for her. Best that ever did, more so than any of the other PhDs she's ever dated. Yeah, so having talked about her uh example, I wanted to bring out like the fact that even if you're at a certain, you know, professional level, educational level, um, it doesn't necessarily mean that the the best match for you is someone who is similar to you in that level. Okay, so yeah, I'm not saying that you should veer completely away from that, uh, because probably you would not have very similar lifestyles and values, you know, i economic values, monetary values, uh spending habits and those things, places that you like to go, or holidays you like to take. They might be like too drastic, you know, in terms of difference, and you might not be compatible on a lifestyle level, and you can't be with a partner like that if they're too different on uh on that level, right? So I'm not telling you to wear completely off track, but yeah, uh I have I have another friend uh uh who I met while I was studying in Cambridge. Okay, so she's like super intellectual. Yeah, so she was also doing her PhD, and she's uh yeah, very intellectual, uh very smart, and very fun as well. Yeah, like an another one of the the funnest, like funniest, yeah, the funniest, most humorous people I know. Yeah, and uh she told me that once she went on uh like a a a holiday, a family holiday, and she met um someone there. Like she met a guy there who is probably like a neighborhood technician, uh, but he didn't go to university. Yeah, and he probably doesn't use the computer a lot, and I think his skill is more uh having to do with um building uh things, like fixing things. Yeah, he's he's a technician guy, like a local technician guy, which she met like maybe uh near her uh family vacation spot. Yeah, so uh but you know what? Like she she told me she had one of the best conversations she had with a guy. Yeah, like a guy who was not um chauvinistic, you know, always challenging her to a debate, you know, that like the minute she says like the guys know that she's doing a PhD on this certain subject, uh they would be, you know, trying to pose questions about it and try to um invite her to a debate on this subject or something to prove her ability or something like that, right? Um or prove their ability in front of her. And she's sort of done with that. Yeah, she she says she's met too many of these people in in at Cambridge, right? So she she finally met this really easygoing down-to-earth guy who who's like a world like apart from her, who's does not belong in that world, right? And so she had a really good conversation, and um, but I I think she told me that this guy doesn't really use email that much. Yeah, probably like uh he he he's in this small town and he doesn't really need to communicate via email, like he knows everyone there anyway. So uh yeah, and he's probably not leaving that town. He's he was like born and bred there. And so she's like, Well, the thing is I don't really know how to keep in touch with the guy. He has email, but he rarely uses it, and he seems like he doesn't really know how to use a computer that well, and he's like completely opposite of me, and you know, he he's in that small town, and I like I would not imagine myself being there after I, you know, get my PhD and stuff. And so she told me that she didn't pursue it, right? But but afterwards she like uh after coming back, she she said that she sort of partially regretted, or she told me that she always had the feeling, you know, looking back, thinking, what if, you know, so what if she had um contacted the guy or you know, tried to keep in touch with the guy or something to see what would happen? Would something have happened that would end up to be, you know, what would blossom into a great relationship? Because, you know, she's she's so fed up with like these guys who are like really sort of uh either intimidated by her or trying to challenge her, right? So she's like, well, it's it's a it's a breath of fresh air to meet like uh a down-to-earth guy like that, right? But you know, the thing is it's uh it's not a rom-com that we live in, like she understands, like she's really practical as well, you know. She's she's like she's like, well, you know, we we don't live in one of those uh eat pray love like narratives, right? Like you don't go on vacation and you just meet some guy and you fall in love and then happy ending, end of story. Like he you move there to be with him. You know, it's life is not easy for me, you know. I have like my family to to consider uh and and everything, you know, their expectations. So I really can't like up and leave, you know, and I'm doing m doing my PhD. It's it's supposed to amount to something afterwards, right? I have to go teach, right? So um for her, it was like a bunch of what-ifs or missed opportunities or something. So she's like, you know, but I don't know, looking back, what if I don't find someone like uh as great as that guy? Uh will will I have regrets? You know, something like that. So yeah, I think this is food for thought that we sometimes need to find a balance between our aspirations or what we think we want or what is we think is best for us in society's eyes, or even our parents' eyes, versus um uh something that might be a little bit out of the ordinary or out of our conventional track. Uh that sometimes may work out. Yeah, some sometimes like it's a balance between something that's very, you know, fantastical, like something that's like completely uh like impossible, versus something that's very standardized, very routine, uh very on track, right? So sometimes, you know, you you just have to I guess like find the middle ground, like try to evaluate um what what you want. And if you're okay with it, and if the the community you live in is okay with it, you know, there's so much to think about, so much to balance, right? And that makes um you know finding a partner more complicated than it is. Yeah, it's it's it's not all just uh about love or about connection or chemistry. Like there's so many things we need to think about in terms of you know background and like societal expectations, your own values, your own expectations, your family, everything, right? So these these are some of the things that might be sometimes hindering us or holding us down uh in our partner choice journey. Yeah, so um I I read the book by John Berger at Datanomics and also another book, uh Make Your Move. So I think these give very realistic advice to uh single, highly educated professional women out there who sometimes have trouble uh finding a partner, finding eligible men. Because first of all, Berger argues like very cogently that uh, you know, you using extensive statistical research, you know, he's found that like in some of the major states, like half of the American states, like uh the major state states, especially New York City, like it's especially hard for single professional women to find single professional men. Because first of all, like the university educated women outnumber uh university educated men, first of all, right? So uh besides the US and also in like the majority of countries in the world, actually. So you could find, you know, looking around you, why is it that like um there are more single women that you know than single men that you know in probably the same age category? Yeah, so we're not talking about like huge age difference, but like within the same cohort, uh you would find that like there's there's seemingly there's seemingly not enough like eligible guys to go around for your single girlfriends. And you know, regrettably, that is why I can never find matches for my single girl and guy friends, because there's never enough guys for for the girls to go around. Yeah, like so like everywhere I look, you know, uh in any like capacity that I'm in, it's always like full of single, fabulous women, but there's there's not guys that are um take that are free. Yeah, there may be single, fabulous guys, but they're they're not free, you know? Like they're they've been taken. So that's why the competition is keen. And you would find that like the the single eligible men who are taken, uh, you know, they they would have uh the girls that that that took them would have taken some initiative, probably more than you. Okay, so that is why, like, um the more initiative you take, again, the you know, I I talked about this in my uh like another episode, which uh I'll I would probably talk about again, you know. I cannot emphasize enough that you know probably being very passive and waiting for Prince Charming or Mr. R Mr. Wright is not going to land you Mr. Wright because the competition is so keen that a lot of women they will go out there and fight for their own happiness. Yeah, so you you you would even see, you know, in Sex in the City, which is based in New York, right? So how how difficult it is for uh so many single fabulous women out there uh to find just you know to to to just get like uh an eligible man, right? And the ones like um even even Carrie uh is quite proactive, you know, in meeting guys. You know, Mr. Big wouldn't have been caught by her, right, if she didn't take some form of initiative. Right. So um as I said, you know, should should you make more of a move? Yes, like the more accomplished you are, the more you should try to, you know, open more of a door for the guy to walk in, like to create opportunities. Yeah, okay, so like speaking of uh Burger's book again, um Datanomics, like he gives like very uh I think very practical advice that if um first of all, like if you're a woman living in New York City, somewhere where it's nearly impossible to get like a decent single guy, uh then you should consider moving. Yeah, so like what you would do for your education, you know, going to another another country or state to pursue like uh the college of your dreams, right? Or going to a place to pursue the career of your dreams. So why can't you move across the country uh to another state uh to pursue the relationship of your dreams? So he had suggested that uh the West Coast in like Silicon Valley, California, is the best because there are a lot of those um hot male at single engineers waiting for you to uh to get because um he said that the the in the west coast uh as opposed to New York City, whereas you're stuck in New York where like the guys, the single guys are spoiled for choice, right? Because like the women surrounding them, there are just too many single fabulous women that they cannot, you know, uh put their hand down on who they want to be like uh their girlfriend. So they just have they just end up shopping around all the time and never settling, right? Never settling down. And so, you know, the the the opposite is for the guys um in the Silicon Valley. Like they're probably too busy building their uh tech empires, uh too busy doing research, too busy uh doing all sorts of nerdy stuff, you know, in a good way, right? Right? And you know m uh and you know, before you know it, they they've made themselves like uh tech billionaires or something. And so they they probably like don't have the time or the skill sets for courting women. Yeah, so they they're like the opposite of those like uh I don't know, finance guys in New York. So as Berger says, like these tech guys, they're waiting for you to get a hand on them, right? To like uh they're waiting to find girlfriends. So if you ever have trouble, you know, finding someone in this particular place, then you should probably consider looking at the numbers. Yeah, so this is something that I have also told like um my friends who lives in the US. Like she she lives lives in a place, like a small town, which she says there are no guys, there are no single available guys her age, and they're all married. If they are, they're married. Okay. So I was like, so what are you what are you still doing there, girl? Right? So so you can you know, these are the guys that you see day in, day out. There's no new blood coming in, right? So what are you still doing there stuck? Uh if you want to find a partner. So get get your, you know, get your butt up and go move somewhere, right? Uh move somewhere where there are more opportunities to meet eligible guys. So yeah, uh, and she's definitely considering that. Because, you know, hey, you're mobile, right? Low, you're you're not stuck somewhere you don't want to be. And, you know, like if if finding a partner is what you want, then you have to go and get it. Yeah, and Berger talks about the fact that like the more open-minded you are um in yeah, finding a match that is not of your regular convention, like the more opportunity you have to find a partner. Yeah, so if you look beyond what you think is your standard, like someone with the same background as you, uh educationally, professionally, then you know, it doesn't mean that this person is not uh high achieving in their own capacity, right? So if you're looking okay, so you're uh a highly accomplished single woman and you're looking for uh uh an accomplished guy, obviously, who who's not too far behind you in terms of accomplishments, because first of all, they'll get resentful of you if you're like too, too much um more accomplished than them, right? And intimidated, resentful, whatnot. So, first of all, you're not gonna find one who is not accomplished, but they can be accomplished too in their own capacity, right? So, like for my friend who she said, well, like uh who's uh my friend from Cambridge who said she may have forgone an opportunity uh with a guy who doesn't use the computer very much. But hey, maybe he's very accomplished in his um his building bic business and his uh his carpentry and his fixing stuff like uh as a technician. Like he, you know, someday, you don't know, he might be uh starting his own company or uh he might make it big some some somehow in his own capacity. It it may not be like in terms of like intellectually or in terms of academically, right? So the the fact that you're a professor, it doesn't mean that you know he should be a professor. So like uh a very good example was my my friend who is a PhD, is a professor, a scientist, who found someone who's not. Yeah, and like it doesn't mean that her husband is not accomplished in his own in his own realm. So yeah, uh I'll let uh her tell you what he does. But yeah, he's definitely accomplished, as accomplished as her, but in a different way. So because there are more university educated women than men across most of the countries in the world, then the solution would be that you would probably like be being a single educated uh professional woman, you would look beyond these very standardized uh um socioeconomic criteria and maybe try to like accept someone who's not exactly in your realm, but accomplished in their own. Yeah, so Berger uh in Datonomics, he also mentions how because there are not enough white-collar men to go around for white-collar professional women, then like the women could also look beyond uh this category. You might be surprised. You know, he he's had friends who have dated outside their normative uh candidates. So, you know, like labels like white-collar, blue collar nowadays it's just not that significant or important anymore. Like, especially now that the line is blurred between white collar, blue-collar, traditional or modern industries, right? So, yeah, the here here's a here's a time that uh you can re-evaluate and rethink your prospects and your criteria for a partner. Yeah, and sometimes your perfect match may really not be someone who's exactly like you. Um you know, I I have a friend who said like he he doesn't he's a doctor, and he said he doesn't want, you know, uh like a girlfriend or wife who works in that same profession as him. Because he said that it doesn't bring a thing anything new to the table. Yeah, so he's he he specifically looked for someone who's not within that profession, you know, whether it's doctor or nurse or medical uh services or any anyone related to medicine. He said he he's had enough of that for his work, right? So he specifically wanted to look for a girl who's outside that industry. Right, so and I mean same for us girls. Um like my like my friend who's a scientist, a PhD and MBA has everything, right? Every um quite uh every qualification you can think of, right? And she's like, Well, I don't want to find someone who's like me. She said, you know, I've done uh enough studying, I've done enough research. I just want to sort of like find someone who brings something new to the table. Yeah, so we can all learn something from these people. Uh oh yeah, and I can tell you too, my husband also does not work in academia. He's not a professor, and he doesn't do any research, uh, and he hasn't written a book, right? So same as for me, you know, like I I totally understand my friend. Like, for me as well, I I never actually found any affinity uh romantically with any of my like uh my workmates or or any like of the guys I worked with. Yeah, but it was like I think we just like talk like uh I don't know, um business is business, and then you you just don't have any pleasure within that, you know, for for myself, right? So so for for for me as well, like I I wanted to find someone who could bring something new to the table, I can learn something new from, and I didn't have to talk about work or I didn't have to talk about what I do. So it is a breath of fresh air. So I think similarly, like um for like single, uh fabulous women out there, you know, you you you should look beyond your terrain. Uh try to uh keep an eye out for guys who are not doing what you do or not really like having the same achievements because um you know it it's worth it's worth looking uh at their achievements too, you know. Like they could be high achieving in their own capacity. Yeah, so sometimes I even know some women who their their husbands are like really quite different in terms of socioeconomic background uh or achievements, but like they're really good on another level. Like they probably don't like you you can't measure it by money uh solely, okay? So they may not earn as much money as you, but they probably bring something uh really valuable to the table. Uh maybe like they have a skill set that you really need, like you really need to learn. You're you're really clueless about like say computers or something, and uh they're really good at technology. Yeah, you you really need a guy like that, you know, in your life. I think like you would be lost if you uh, you know, you can't keep calling your company's computer guy when you need help, right? Like on a Sunday. There's no one, right? So like there's something that they can they can sometimes bring into your life, they can enrich your life in ways that you you didn't know you need. Yeah, and I have a friend who uh does not know how to cook for her life, uh, but really loves to eat. Okay, so the only form of food that she can ever get are takeaways because she has she never has time to cook. She's very high-powered, never has time to cook anything for herself, never had the time to learn uh or buy any any groceries ever, so that she just eats like a out a lot, right? So like she met this guy, like her her husband, who's like a terrific cook. Yeah, and I I think like he he could definitely like think of opening up a restaurant or becoming a c a cook one day professionally. And like uh like so it like and it changed her life. Yeah. So you know, they have friends over and he gets to show off his cooking skills and everything. So yeah, like uh it's it's really funny sometimes. Like uh they work in completely different realms, but it works out sometimes. So I think what you need to do is like stop looking only at uh you know similar socioeconomic background and look beyond that. Because as Berger says, given that the reality is that there really aren't like the s like exact same number of uh of the sexes to go around for each other, okay? So the the figures completely skewed on the side of of women, like being much more than men. Okay, so there aren't like first of all, if there aren't enough of these eligible, you know, s traditionally considered eligible men to go around for women, then it's time to look beyond the standard. Look beyond, you know, what what what people mean by conventionally successful. And you know, maybe there's a guy out there who who doesn't fit your normal standards, but is as great too in their area. Yeah, so uh if if you've overlooked these guys in the past, like you should start looking for them now. Because uh, well, first of all, it's to I guess to narrow the gap of uh the different numbers, and also it can definitely bring you more opportunities. So yeah, if if definitely you're not finding something within your own area, you should look beyond. Uh and be surprised. Yeah, you you would be surprised as to what you will find. Like, I assure you. Okay, so thank you so much for being here. And remember to subscribe to Love and Life Sorted so you don't miss an episode. And uh, if you want to continue our conversation, you can subscribe to my free newsletter where we can discuss more about these topics uh in a more detailed manner. And also check out our IG page for more fun stuff. And I'll see you again next week on Love and Life Sorted. Okay, bye!