Thriving Single vs Thriving Married | Two Different Kinds of Amazing―Both Worth Having

Are you thriving as a single person right now, or wondering what married life really feels like? In this heartfelt episode of Love & Life, Sorted, Dr. Sandy To shares her personal journey comparing thriving single versus thriving married life.

Drawing from her carefree PhD days in Cambridge — filled with late-night study sessions, spontaneous weekends, solo dim sum breakfasts, and deep friendships with other single friends — Dr. To reflects on the unique freedom, productivity, and occasional loneliness of singlehood. She explains how being unattached allowed her to live entirely on her own terms, with no interruptions or responsibilities to others.

She then contrasts this with her current life as a married woman and mother, where thriving becomes a collective experience — building a family, raising a child, balancing career and home, and finding joy in shared responsibilities rather than pure personal freedom.

This episode dives deep into the pros and cons of both lifestyles without judgment. Whether you’re single and loving it, happily married, or somewhere in between, you’ll gain fresh perspective on why both stages can feel deeply fulfilling — just in very different ways.

Dr. To also encourages singles to fully embrace and make the most of their “single glory days,” because once you enter a committed relationship (with or without kids), that specific type of carefree freedom rarely returns.

Perfect for anyone navigating modern relationships, questioning the “single vs married” debate, or simply reflecting on different seasons of life.

🎧 Listen now and discover how you can thrive — no matter your relationship status.

#ThrivingSingle #ThrivingMarried #SingleVsMarried #SingleLife #MarriedLife #RelationshipAdvice #ModernRelationships #LoveAndLifeSorted #SingleAndThriving #MarriageAndMotherhood #PersonalGrowth #LifeStages #FreedomVsFamily #PodcastForWomen #SelfDevelopment #LifeReflections “LifeFulfillment #BalanceLife #SinglesAdvice #FamilyLife #SociologyOfLove #RelationshipExpertInsights

🔑 Key Topics:

• Thriving single vs thriving married life
• Freedom and independence of singlehood
• Collective family thriving in marriage and parenthood
• Balancing career and family responsibilities
• Making the most of your single years
• Nostalgic reflections on carefree single life
• Loneliness vs constant companionship
• Pros and cons of single versus married life
• Personal growth in different life stages
• Embracing every season of life

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hi everyone, welcome back to Love and Life Sorted. I'm Dr. Sandy To, and today we're gonna be talking about thriving single versus thriving married. There are just so many ways that one can thrive as a single accomplished woman and single accomplished man and you know versus someone who can thrive as a married single accomplished woman or man. You know, because like what inspired me is that like I've seen just so many posts and so many people commenting and debating about like thriving as uh a single person, you know, how how it's so great to be single and and attached uh in your life that you there's so many things you can do to thrive, right? And uh it's you know getting married is not the only route. Well, uh, you know, uh conversely, uh there are also people arguing how uh you know blissful it is to be married and to thrive in a completely different way as an individual, right? Like I'm s I'm sure you've seen like dozens of these uh debates going around. And you know, uh I think you know it's valid in both cases because it it really um uh made me look back upon my life before I was married and how, you know, the days when I was a single and carefree woman, uh, you know, living and working so and and and studying and everything. Like I think about those days fondly. Yeah, it uh like these debates about you know single versus married, it just really made me look back uh like w with a lot of nostalgia uh in my days of being like a a single woman. Uh that I have thrived in ways that I couldn't have when uh like uh compared to being married. Yeah, so first let's talk about like single and thriving, how you can thrive uh in like a certain way if you're a single and unattached uh man or woman. This got me thinking about the days when I was doing my PhD in Cambridge. So I was very very much single, yeah, and um I think the majority of people who were doing their PhDs were single. Yeah, I think versus uh partnered or uh yeah, well, married, there were just a handful, maybe very, very few people that that I know who are married. Well, in my case, I only know two people uh amongst my classmates who were already married during that time when they were doing their PhDs. Usually people do it when they're in their early 20s to early 30s, I would say. Uh for the people I know. Yeah, so some of them they they they launched immediately uh into it upon their undergrad, and then they just went on to do masters and PhD. They never worked before in the middle, but well, that was not my case because I had like uh done several different things. Uh I've worked before and I've also uh changed subjects in between. Yeah, because I used to study English literature uh during my undergrad days, right? And so yeah, uh I and then I switched majors and then I I I did a PhD in sociology. Yeah, so I think I was like a little bit older than the people who were doing the PhD in my cohort. Yeah, but so that actually gives me a lot of advantage, like not because of seniority, okay? Don't get me wrong. Okay, yeah, well, okay, maybe a little bit of seniority, a little bit of life experience, right? So to add on that, yeah. And uh so beyond that, it's it's more like it gives me a bit of a like more of an opportunity to to savor the single life because the people surrounding me were a little bit younger, a few years younger than me. And so um they were on like a different timeline than my peers. So by that time, most of my peers were partnered up. Even if not married, they were about to be married, so something like that, right? So they were happily partnered up, and uh I was like the only single one. So when I went off to do my PhD, I met like a whole bunch of uh single people, yeah, single boys and girls that I could hang out with. Yeah, and it just made me feel much more thriving than I would have been when I was at home, right? Uh because uh it's like a like a party every day. It's like a bunch of single people hanging out and you know, uh living the life. So I, you know, I consider myself being very lucky that I met all these friends who are single. Yeah, because you know, um, if your friends were on a different timeline, they were all married or they had partners, they wouldn't have so much time to hang out with you, right? So uh like in a way you you sort of have to go out and pave your uh your own path again. You have to go out and seek people who are on the same path as you. Yeah, so for me, it just like fell into my lap. Like I was uh surrounded by these uh like a bunch of single people. And so I got to like do whatever I want. I could hang out with them, I could uh in the in the mornings I would do all the research, studying, reading, writing that I could. And you know, I could skip meals, I could just like survive on snacking alone when I was too busy to to to cook or anything. I I sometimes like uh went way beyond like nine o'clock like at night. Maybe I was uh really busy writing something. I just totally lost track of time. And in the first time in my life, I you know skipped uh dinner. Like I skipped eating like a regular meal as I would if I were at home. Because like at home I had my parents to to cook for me and they would remind me, like even though no one's cooking, like they would remind you to go eat at like uh at 7 p.m. or something, right? That was the norm every day. And so you you would be sort of interrupted in the middle of your uh of your work, and then you would have to go and sit down and eat a proper meal with with your family, right? So when I was like alone, like very, very alone, like I I could work into the wee hours and I could lose track of time and then like uh suddenly uh look to see it's like nine and then uh well okay, there's nothing. I didn't cook anything, nothing in the fridge. It was like a shared fridge, like in the dorm, right? So yeah, uh of course I I couldn't go eating someone else's food, okay. So uh so I I just like took a box of cereal from the from the cabinet and poured myself a cup of milk and then just ate cereal uh for for dinner. So the first time in my life, like I just thought, whoa, so free, you know, like the taste of um freedom, you know, that that I could do whatever I want, like whatever time I want, and not be interrupted in my studies and everything, and I can just like be very, very hyper productive and also live on my own terms. Yeah, so that's like the perfect example of living on your own terms completely without any outside hindrance, right? So yeah, I I felt good, you know. It was I felt I really did feel that I was thriving uh during my time doing my PhD. Uh, because yeah, like as I said, I could do whatever I want. And on weekends, uh I could just, you know, sleep until whatever hour that I want without interruption, and then I could uh go out and uh eat whatever breakfast I want. You know, sometimes I just made my own uh piece of toast, or sometimes I went to like um like a Chinese restaurant in in town and I uh ate some dim sum. Like and maybe I ordered like two or three plates of dim sum, and then I would just like uh eat it on my own and uh read and like l like like look at the you know, savor the ambience or go outside uh for a walk afterwards, you know, go sit on the grass and like just go smell the grass and look at the sky and look at people flying kites like in like on Midsummer Common. It was like the the the the the communal park in the middle of the town. Yeah, so it was like really nice, like you know, bring out a book and just go read uh Beside the River. I I think like all single people you have that feeling, right? That you could like have a lazy weekend all to yourself and like lose track of time and not have to be accountable to anyone, no responsibilities at all. That feeling, right? So like you you could do the laundry if you want, if you don't, then just go out and buy something to to wear, right? So like uh yeah, I still remember that that period when I I really felt that I was thriving on my own. Yeah, with not a care in the world. And yeah, of course, uh you get lonely sometimes, and that is quite often too, because okay, so in the UK, as people who've been there know, who live there know, like the weather is not perfect, and there's like uh in the winter, uh it gets dark at four, okay. And like uh in Cambridge, in a small town like Cambridge, the the the shops start to close at around I don't know, five five-ish or something. So the whole city just like shuts down. So there's not much activity going on besides inside the colleges, right? So i even if you wanted to grab a bite, uh you you wanted to buy something from uh from Pret or something, you better hurry, right? B before it's five and then things just close down. And that's the time. That's that's that's pretty much about the only time that I would start to feel a little a little lonely, uh, because the sky's getting dark. Yeah. So yeah, uh it's it's surprising how your mood really does shift uh with the weather, yeah, and with the sky condition, it really affects you, really. Like when the sun is out and the sky's bright, you just feel like really, really free and uh really elated. But once the sky gets dark, and even worse, if it uh if it rains, oh oh my god, if it rains, it just gets so gloomy, and I just so remember the feeling that it's not a good feeling to have to go back to the dorm and be by yourself. Yeah, so okay, uh rest assured, so that time is when I don't go back home to do my stuff. Okay, so uh whenever I do have that feeling, I start getting lonely, or uh whenever like during the weekends, I just don't want to spend it alone, I don't want to spend another weekend alone. I remember I like I once I called up my friend and I said, Oh, oh my god, like I yeah, I texted my friend. I was like, I'm getting depressed. And then she's like, hey, come over to London. Okay, yeah, my friend Anne. Yeah, shout out to her. Uh, you know, one of these days, like she is gonna come on. Like she she promised she'd come on the show. Yeah, she's one of my best, my best pals. And we, you know, we've certain we've survived singlehood together in London back back in the UK, and yeah, we you know, we're we're thriving now as married women also back in Hong Kong. So yeah, we we do have a lot of uh common and affinity, and uh yeah, it's a very fateful, great friendship that we have for since childhood. So I would hop on a train to London and spend the night at her place and oh, but mind you, she's not she's not single actually. Like she she is like my only non-single friend at that time. She was uh seeing someone, yeah. And uh but but still uh she would be there if I you know felt I needed uh some company. So she would say, Oh yeah, come over to London and then we can hang out for the weekend, so you don't have to spend it alone. So yeah, at times when I was like stressful because okay, my work, my research, it's it's it's like going great, but it's also very stressful because I have to hand in so much work uh to my supervisor. So uh this is the same feeling as when you're like working uh in the office, and you know, sometimes you're like the work goes well, some some days it doesn't go that well, and sometimes you get stressed out and you really want some company. Yes, you you really want like some someone to lean on. And you know, that's when if you're single, then that's when you rely on your single girlfriends or well uh girlfriends who are there for you, right? So like at that time, like I would like quickly, you know, jet off to London for the weekend and you know, spend like a really great weekend like with my with my friend and her friends, and you know, uh be be fed with like good food and good hospitality and doses of sex in the city on the TV, right? And then we would, you know, and then I would be very replenished and then go back to Cambridge and you know, go go through my singlehood journey again, you know, as a uh as a PhD student. Yeah, and uh for days when I didn't go to London, I relied on my other friend. Like she was single too. Uh her name's Humera, and another shout out to her. Uh one of these days she's also going to come on the show because she has just adopted a baby girl. Yeah, congratulations to her. I don't know if she's listening to this, but yeah, I uh you know, really want to invite her to talk about her her journey of being a new parent. Yeah, of of adoption. Yeah. So yeah, she's really great too, and she's one of my best friends in at Cambridge. And so when I was, you know, feeling a bit lonely, feeling a bit blue, I would text her, and then I was always, always ready. I was always always welcome to go over to her college to party. Yeah. So her door was always open, and uh the people there were always very hospitable, and I spent so many of my evenings there uh partying with them and hanging out with her and her friends uh in uh St. Edmund's College. Yeah. So uh yeah, th those are one of the the like the best days of my life because I found the balance between, you know, uh working and also uh whenever I felt the need for company, I can always like have someone to rely on. I could always have someone to go to, you know, uh her and a bunch of uh other single friends. Yeah, so it wasn't that it was good, you know. I was thriving on that level. And uh yeah, and she would always check up with me uh to say, uh, yeah, so how are you? But she she knows that I don't have family around, like while she does, like in the country at least. So like she would uh sometimes invite me to go over to her family's as well. And so like she was really great. Like she would check up on me uh to see what I needed, uh see if I needed anything. And uh so so life was good. Life was good. Well, and then well, life after that, you know, after I came back and met my husband and got married and had a son, well, life took a very different turn. And yeah, I I feel that I am thriving too, you know, as as uh like a married woman. So uh, you know, with a son and you you take pride in other things, I think. Um so it's thriving uh beyond your own work. Yeah, so uh so yeah, like now I sort of know how my married uh friends felt back then when I was single, right? So having been married and everything, um it's uh it's it it's not like thriving on like a purely personal level anymore. Yeah, so it's it's thriving that your family is thriving. I think it's more like like a collective sort of thriving. It's it's so not you, just you anymore. Like your life is just not yours only to live, because like you have like a little human also that you have to raise and a husband you need to take care of, like we take care of each other, and so it's it's a very collective sort of feeling. So it's not thriving alone, but thriving together. And the feeling is interesting if you do put it into perspective and if you do actually analyze it, comparing to when like the phase that you were single. Yeah, so would I say that I am like thriving now? Yeah, I would, but in a very different manner than I was really carefree and totally myself. And so now you, you know, you're you you tend to lose yourself a little in this myriad of family responsibility. And like I, you know, I was all I would always look uh at my single self very fondly and think uh there's pros and cons to it, and uh I would never trade that for anything. I would never trade that phase for anything. So if you're single now, I would say that really like make use of this single thrivingness of yours because life will be like very different once you are attached uh to someone, uh whether or not you have kids, but if you're attached to someone, then you ha you sort of have to uh you have to accommodate them into your life, uh you have more responsibilities towards them, and you can't obviously eat at like past ten, have nothing in the fridge at all for them. You know, like yeah, you at the very least, like they're gonna be hungry, and even even if you don't cook, you're gonna have to go out and eat something with them or order in or something. It's not just you, right? It's it's not just you uh just uh wanting to slum it out at at 10 and to not eat anything and just uh you know take take a day off from stuff. You you can't. Like you the thing is you can't take a day off from stuff. Uh you you can't go off in the weekends and do whatever you like. You you can't laze around and have uh like a lazy morning doing nothing, just uh fair le glas mat. Yeah, like the French say, have a lazy afternoon to yourself. Yeah, you you can't do that anymore. Yeah, like especially if I've had my son like the weekends are devoted to to his activities. Like uh at least one like Saturday or something. It's devoted to like full of his activities.

unknown 19:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

And yeah, I was just uh telling my my friend, like she's she has a boyfriend, but she's not married. But uh I was just telling her, and yeah, she doesn't live here, so I said, Well, yeah, Saturdays are dedicated to activities for my son. Have to sort of uh transport him to and fro, his lessons and his classes and his teams and everything. And then she's like, Wow, uh can't believe it. Yeah, she for for her, it's like an eye-opener. She you know, that that I have to dedicate like one day, it's all for his activities. So for her, it's it's something that she can't imagine being a non-married person. Yeah, I know. All of this is very unbelievable. Uh before you have uh experienced it, I would never have known that this would happen. Uh life would take such a drastic turn uh when I was a single woman. Yeah, but that's not uh to complain, because thriving now, uh, you know, it it's a different thing because uh for once you don't actually have to uh feel lonely. You you have a lot of company, right? And you you never have to ask someone to check up on you because there's like full of people, full of people that care about you in your life, like in very close proximity. And there's always like someone you can turn to, someone who can support you, and like a full a whole family under your roof and everything, like so you're never short of company. So that that's like the the key thing that I found was the difference between like a thriving single woman and a thriving married woman. Yeah, so so uh I would say that like if you're like a single woman right now, uh make use of your time to thrive uh singly. Yeah, because uh once you do like get married, uh and you found a partner, got married, uh have kids or not, you you would be thriving in a very different way. Uh not to say you're not thriving, but like you don't really have that freedom anymore. Uh and there are a lot of responsibilities. Uh, but you know, thriving uh is it's different. It's like a c it's a different language. Um you would thrive as a mother, like you would thrive if your family is healthy. And yeah, it's not it's not saying that you don't have your career or anything. Like some people, some a lot of women they retain their careers even after they got married and had kids, or they do side projects, side hustles, you know, a lot of different uh passion projects. Uh so for me as well, you know, like I I feel like I'm thriving too doing this pro doing this podcast, thanks to you. And uh I have to announce too, uh, over here that I have gotten over a thousand podcast downloads on the podcast platforms, not uh counting the number of plays, but just the number of downloads, yeah, from 55 different countries and 248 cities across the world, thanks to you. So, you know, I I'm just like always, always so grateful. I'm just so so thankful. Yeah, when I got this news from Buzzsprout, yeah, my podcast uh host, I'm just so so moved uh by your support. And I I hope we can continue this journey of thriving, you know, together. No matter if you're single or you're married, you'll you'll still be thriving in very different ways. Yeah, so that's why I I really wanted to do a contrast uh between, you know, thriving as a single and thriving as a partnered person. It's just so completely different that you would never know it uh before you experienced it. And to, you know, to make very good use of your single days now, because like thriving now you would never get back when you are not single, okay? So one day when you found a partner, you'll see, yeah, you'll you'll really see that. Oh, uh you you might even ask yourself, uh, you know, why didn't I spend more time uh like living out those those days as as a single person with not a care in the world? And for married women, um you you thrive by balancing uh your career and your family life. So for women who are, you know, still having their careers going on, uh yeah, like you you you you thrive when you can successfully balance your work and your family life. And you you feel that you you have the best of both. Yeah, sometimes like some of these days, like one may be going better than the other. Yeah, we all have these days, but on the days that you can balance these things out and both are going, you know, quite well, quite terrifically, then that's that's how you feel you can thrive the most. So that's that's how I can understand the debate uh between like whether it's better to be single or to be married, right? So they they have you know pros and cons to both. Yeah, I I wouldn't say that being single for a long time is bad, because if you hadn't experienced that long stretch of being single and really living out your best, like your your achievements and everything, like really living them out on your own, yeah, you you wouldn't you you would feel like at a loss if you had like found a partner really early and you hadn't had the chance to thrive on your own. Yeah, you would not know how that feeling goes and like that sense of freedom that you have. Yeah, and you know, you you you just might get restless and a bit like resentful as well. But if you've had that long stretch of being single, uh, you know, so so so so don't lament that you're still single when a lot of people have been attached already. Yeah, because like you you have all that time to yourself until you get hitched, right? So the longer stretch you have being single, um the more you would come to look back and appreciate it once you're you're you're married, uh have your own family, and you don't have that luxury anymore of thriving single. Yeah. So that to be to be honest, yeah, like once you do get on that train, um you can never look back. Yeah, you you don't have those single glory days again uh except after uh like 20 years later. Yeah, 20 years later, uh when your kids uh have gone off to college, that's when you get to experience that uh that that that thriving solo uh feeling again. Uh when you don't you know what one uh responsibility is uh off of your sleeve. Okay, but you still have your partner to consider, right? Yeah, so you're you're hey, you're still not completely like free to do everything you want, I I would think. Yeah, you still have other people's feelings and other people's like to be responsible for. So yeah, still you're you're not gonna look back. So so it is actually, you know, not bad, not all that bad to be single for a longer stretch in your life. Because yeah, like trust me, you're you're yeah, that that's all you get, okay? So that thriving single feeling is all you get during that time. And then later on, once you're partnered, it just never does come back. Yeah, you know, I also got like this comment, like this review from someone who said, I'm imposing my uh my need for uh being for finding a partner onto other people. Well, since how would I actually have the ability to do that? And why would I want to do that? You know, everyone has their own autonomy, I thought, you know, have to have their own personal agency to do things. Like, how can I actually impose uh what I want on other people? You know, just because I, you know, want this, you know, uh would want to find a partner doesn't mean that everyone wants to, right? So uh it's it's interesting. So uh I I would only, you know, provide advice or help or experience to people who want to listen to it, to people who are interested in finding a partner. So no need to pick on me because uh there are plenty of other podcasts who teach people to be uh single and happy, and they're not into finding any partner. To, you know, they just want to live a single life. They they can go listen to those podcasts for people who are not interested in finding a partner, right? So yeah, of course I do understand the debate. There is a lot of merit in being single, you know. Once I look back upon my days as a single, thriving woman, there is a lot to be proud of, a l there is a lot to thrive, and yeah, of course there's a lot of merit in that, and there's, you know, there's pros and cons, as with married life too, right? Uh as I just analyzed. Uh so I can understand why there's like the debate that some people think it's great to stay single and uh you know you there's no need to find someone because you're you know can do pretty well on your own too, right? You can you can thrive pretty well on your own. Yeah, I totally get that. Come on, I I've been there for years and years. Of course I remember. And as I said, like I look back on those days so fondly. Yeah, so uh yeah, I can understand the debate completely. So yeah, people pick their own choices, right? Like you choose what you want, and uh, you know, there's freedom of choice for everyone. So yeah, like um you can thrive uh as a single person and thrive as uh a married person, but in very vastly different ways. Yeah, so I would say that, you know, those who those of us uh uh those of you who haven't found a partner yet, this is the time for you to make use of, you know, thriving in your singlehood because that is the last of the time that you will find uh to have this opportunity. Uh because once you're partnered, then you know it it's gone. You can never look back again. Yes, re remember this, yeah. So uh yeah, it really uh taught me a lesson too and gave me the chance to reminisce uh uh about my my single days, like thriving in my single days too, like versus uh thriving in my married days. Like they're just so so vastly different. It's really worth having a look. And yeah, maybe like even writing about it in detail. So I urge you to like for those of you uh who aren't uh married yet, who are looking to find a partner, uh, really like don't get discouraged because uh try to look at it like in a different light that I just have. That like you are totally thriving and killing it now on your own. And like by the time that you do find a partner, you'll be killing it in another way. Yeah, so thriving, like either way, you will thrive both as a single person and as a married person. And I was glad that I got to analyze this with you. Right, okay, so thank you so much for being here. And uh remember to subscribe to Love and Life Sorted so you don't miss an episode. And hop onto our IG page if you want to see more fun stuff. And yeah, thank you so much for your support again. Uh, that I have over a thousand downloads from you. And take care, have a great week, and I'll see you again next week. Bye.