No Instant Spark? Don’t Swipe Next! Why Giving Love a Second Chance Creates Beautiful Slow Burn Relationships

What if the person who could become your forever partner didn’t give you butterflies on the first call?

In this heartfelt episode of Love & Life Sorted, Dr. Sandy To shares an uplifting real-life love story that proves instant sparks aren’t required for lasting love — sometimes the best relationships are the ones that grow gently over time.

When her Instagram friend Swati from Texas first connected with Ayush on a matrimonial app, there was no fireworks moment. They didn’t pursue each other after their initial call. For four weeks, life moved on. But when they reconnected on Instagram, something magical happened. Through seeing each other’s daily lives, shared interests, values, and gentle conversations, a genuine connection slowly blossomed. Just months later, they got engaged.

Dr. To contrasts this “slow burn” love with the high-pressure, swipe-next culture of modern dating. Drawing from her own university MSN chat stories and her own courtship with her husband, she explains why instant passion can often be misleading, while relationships that develop gradually through friendship, shared values, and real discovery tend to last.

This episode is a gentle, empowering reminder: Don’t discard someone who looks good on paper just because the romantic spark wasn’t immediate. Give love a real chance to grow.

Whether you’re dating online, feeling discouraged by lackluster first dates, or wondering if “The One” is still out there, this story will restore your hope. Real love isn’t always loud and dramatic — sometimes it’s quiet, steady, and deeply beautiful.

Tune in for warmth, wisdom, and practical encouragement to stop rushing and start nurturing the connections that truly matter.

Perfect for anyone tired of dating fatigue, ready to find meaningful love, or simply needs inspiration that good things come to those who don’t give up too soon.

#GivingLoveAChance #SlowBurnLove #NoInstantSpark #DatingAdvice #RealLoveStories #RelationshipGoals #ModernDating #DontSwipeNext #LoveAdvice #HealthyRelationships #EngagementStory #IndianWedding #MatrimonialApps #PodcastForSingles #SingleWomenDatingTips #SociologyOfLove #RelationshipExpertInsights

🔑 Key Topics

• Why no instant spark is completely normal when meeting strangers
• The dangers of expecting rom-com chemistry on first calls or dates
• How Swati and Ayush turned a slow start into an engagement
• Dr. To’s personal MSN chat stories and her own slow-burn love story
• The power of Instagram/social media for genuine discovery
• Slow burn vs instant passion in modern dating
• Giving promising connections a real chance instead of swiping next
• Building friendship and shared values before romance
• Why rushing relationships often leads to heartbreak

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hi everyone, welcome back to Love and Life Sorted. I'm Dr. Sandy To, and today we're gonna be talking about giving love a chance. Yeah, so what inspired this topic is some recent amazing news that I heard from my Instagram follower, my Instagram friend Swati from Texas. Yeah, she recently got engaged through her fiance, Ayush, whom she met on an Indian matrimonial app called Shadi.com. Huge congratulations to them both. This news made my day. I was so psyched to hear about it that I had to ask her about some details. So at first when Swati and Ayush connected on Shadi.com, they didn't hit it off instantly. They hadn't connected after their first call for four weeks. Yeah, so um all this time spent apart, well, uh I guess initially they had a good impression, but they didn't pursue it. And uh during these four weeks they went off to do their own thing and Swati uh went back to India, and then after she came back, uh she went on Instagram and uh they they connected uh on Instagram. So they they saw each other's posts. Uh first of all, well, they they added each other, and then they saw like their daily lives and uh you know learned more about their interests and their hobbies and their values, and then they started chatting, and then Ayush took the initiative to actually ask Swati questions about like the music she loves, about her dancing. Yeah, so she's an avid dancer and writer, and Ayush would would, you know, initially he thought that wow, this this gorgeous, bubbly and multi-talented girl, um, you know, would he be interested in someone like me? Like he's more reserved and he's more like focused on his work. Mind you, he's an accomplished doctor. Yeah. So he's a doctor and she is an accomplished engineer. And you know, on paper, yeah, they they they they looked like a good match, but it didn't instantly ignite a spark that they, you know, they they didn't pursue it uh on the first go. But you know, later they actually, you know, reconnected on Instagram and they gradually developed an interest in each other, and they they found that their interests and values aligned too. Yeah, so after reconnecting on Instagram for a while and chatting back back and forth, uh they finally met up and they spent a lot of time together, uh, you know, going to dinner and then just chatting a lot and getting to know each other. And you know, gradually like the love developed from there, and it was just like so natural that they they thought that they were a right match for each other, and within a month they got engaged. Yeah, so I'm so happy for them. And this is such an uplifting story that teaches us not to give up on the first go. Yeah, especially when you know you you you may not feel the spark after the initial call. And a lot of people, it's like during this time they would just, you know, swipe away, swipe to the next one, uh uh find someone else, uh look at another profile, and just like discard this person just because they didn't feel an initial spark. And you may have missed out on something beautiful if you had not given it another chance. I'm sure that not only just SWATI, but it's very common nowadays to meet on a dating app. Yeah, uh but the thing is what happens next, right? So you initially uh you would have swiped or you would have pressed yes or you have made a call with someone who you thought like had the credentials that you liked on paper, right? The criteria that you liked, and then what happens next, right? Um you would have to like hop on a call or maybe uh do some messaging and then figure out if you have a connection or not, or if you have like any chemistry or something, right? Like testing the waters. And there I you know, I I think that a lot of people at this initial stage, uh, after like hopping onto a call, they you know they they might not instantly connect. And that's perfectly normal because uh come on, this is a stranger that you have never met before in in your life, uh like talking to them for the first time. So chances are you wouldn't feel like an instant connection, right? It's it's it's actually abnormal to instantly like connect really soon uh with a total stranger. Uh it's it's not like meeting through several gatherings, like mutual friends, or you met in school, like you you knew this person gradually, right? It's like someone who's completely foreign to you, right? So I I wouldn't actually think that you would have any romantic spark through the phone, right? Or like through messaging. Yeah, and this is the point where a lot of people may give up, right? Like, uh especially maybe people who don't have a lot of experience in dating. Uh, they they probably like watched a lot of rom-coms, uh, and they thought that the connection is instant, and that's like uh that's where you pursue the relationship. That's a sign that you should pursue the relationship, but otherwise it's like a fail. Uh you would think, well, this person has no spark at all, and so I'm just gonna swipe next. Especially nowadays, it's so easy to swipe next, right? It's so convenient for you. But have you thought that you may have missed out on a lot of real connections that could have been built if you hadn't immediately like given up on this one? Okay, so I have to tell you a story of mine. Okay, so when I was in university, I remember okay, we we didn't have those dating uh apps, but we had something called MSN, right? Like people from my my generation uh they would have heard about it. It's like on the computer, it's not even on the phone, it's like not an app or anything, it's like a chat service, it's like uh a step up from ICQ. Yeah, so it's called MSN, and everyone had it installed on their computers to procrastinate. So it's either like people at work or people at school. Like they would uh yeah, like uh they they they they couldn't help but uh chat with people. It could be friends and it could be strangers too. Like people can uh like I think st strangers can pop up on your MSN or your friends would have exchanged maybe like yours or someone else's with other people. So yeah, it was like really common to have uh like to chat on MSN with um strangers. And if you you had met someone at class uh back then in uni, you would exchange like MSN uh profiles or something like that. Yeah, so it's like Instagram, except um you don't see photos or anything, but like you you you get to like chat with them instantly, yeah. It's like instant chat, right? So everyone does it. And I I remember that like uh I had chatted with some people uh that I met uh in class or you know just throughout campus or something. Like maybe some sometimes we have these groups uh doing projects in class, but you don't know them that well, right, in person. But you you got assigned to a group or something and you needed to chat uh to uh do a project together, right? So that was like one of the avenues which you can chat like through MSN. And I remember like sometimes like those chats, like some sometimes like they would extend like through the night or something, and then uh I don't know, like you chat about all these random things like into the night, right? And uh, but mind you, like you've only met this person in like face to face for maybe three times, and you you've never chatted that much in person in class, right? So afterwards, like the next day, you would meet this person in class, and then you would be so embarrassed. Like both of us would would feel a bit awkward and embarrassed because you had just chatted like throughout the night for a few hours into the night, and then you're seeing each other for the first time, uh having not talked that much ever in person, right? So it's like you already know like a lot of intimate details of this person without getting to know them, you know? So it the feeling is is really awkward. I remember like feeling really embarrassed, and you you sort of want to just block them on MSN the next time you see them. Yeah, and it was like relatively common to like be invisible, yeah, yeah. There was like this thing that you can be invisible, uh, and you can see who's on there, but you can hide yourself. Yeah, so like I remember doing this uh like several times, and I was like getting tired of it and thinking, hmm, what is the philosophy behind this? Uh like chatting a lot without seeing this person, without knowing this person. So what are we actually hiding behind, right? Okay, so I think that this might be the same feeling that people have on dating apps today. Yeah, so um before you uh agree to meet up, I think that you probably showed interest, mutual interest in in a person, and then you guys would chat a bit uh online first before deciding whether you meet up, right? So during that process, it's it I think it's exactly the same as back then, uh, using instant chat, where like uh without knowing this person at all, you sort of inadvertently disclosed a lot of personal details and feelings and you know intimate details about yourself and that you otherwise wouldn't immediately reveal if you had met this person for a coffee. Yeah, so this is how people are, right? Like if you don't meet up, you have this mystery upon you. Like you're hiding behind a veil, and you just feel more emboldened to to reveal more than you should. Yeah, but like say that uh if you had met this person for a coffee face to face, uh, I'm sure that you wouldn't be revealing all of these details and chatting for three hours. You would have taken it slowly. Yeah, uh to to get to know each other first before you revealed so many intimate details about yourself or your thoughts and feelings. Like these things are are really intimate, right? Uh it's not something that you go around revealing to strangers that you never met before. It's it's uh things that only your closest friends know about you, right? So that is the difference between slowburn and instant passion. Yeah, so under normal circumstances, the most healthy thing is to let the relationship grow. Yeah, it's supposed to like grow on you, right? Uh and like um the spark should have been uh slowly ignited gradually instead of like wow, like just blowing up in your face and um getting yourself burnt, right? So any like sort of intense passion is not healthy. So yeah, I'm really proud of Swati for having the wisdom to have taken it slow and then realizing that it's not the instant spark that she should be pursuing, and instead it should be the slow burn, like getting to know uh her fiance online first, like through Instagram, and like trying to see if you have shared interests and uh trying to gauge this person's values and thoughts, like if they post quite often, uh, and seeing like what their daily life is and seeing how you can relate to it, right? So, like it's it's really wise that she took the time to really like do her investigation, let's let's say, like do her discovery, uh, instead of giving up immediately. So, yeah, she she didn't feel the spark immediately after the first call. And come on, like it's a complete stranger. Who who would, I think. Um, and so but she didn't give up, and especially when at first it looked as though they didn't have very similar personalities because Swati was so outgoing and just so so cheerful and fun-loving and had a million different interests, and Ayush was so reserved and so serious and like really immersed in his work, right? And so it didn't look like they had a lot in common. But eventually, after chatting on Instagram, uh, you know, chatting about their interests, their shared love of music, and Swati felt that it was so easy to open up to this really chill and nice guy. And, you know, he sh he brought out the best of her, like a more chill and softer side that she really liked about herself. Yeah, and I I think that Swaty also, you know, brought out the fun-loving side of Ayush as well. Yeah, like she made him have fun and now they can have fun together. So and so their personalities, which seemingly were not similar, seemed to complement each other, actually. It brought out the best of themselves. And so, yeah, that was why it it worked out eventually in the end. And they wouldn't have known if they hadn't spent the time to get to know each other. This really reminded me of me and my husband's courtship as well. You know, uh for me and my husband, we also uh started out this way. Uh we met uh through friends. Um yeah, it was like my friend's brother's friend, right? So he was my friend's brother's friend, and then we we we came out as a group because uh my friend wanted to introduce me to this guy. Um yeah, so so we came out as a group first, and of course, like there was good impression. Like he he was so polite and so so friendly and so attentive and so shivalrous. Yeah, yeah, so yeah, I'm like old-fashioned. Like I like chivalry in a guy. Yeah, he's so chivalrous and everything. And then later he he even took me home. Yeah, so um good impression, you know, throughout. And uh but we didn't have like um a lot of chance to chat on our own, except for the way home, which was really uh which which was really near. So it was like a 10-minute drive away. There wasn't much that could be said. But um, yeah, he asked for my number, and then we we texted. And then I remember uh we did actually come out on our solo date. Yeah, so uh just us. Uh over a pretext of something. Uh I remember saying something that I had to uh go on uh a Switzerland trip with my parents and I wanted to ask him for some advice because he had been to those places before. Yeah, uh something related to Wi-Fi or something. Yeah, so uh yeah, and he is quite the uh the comp the the technology expert. Yeah, so uh I remember I had to ask him some uh for some advice, and then uh it was by this pretext that uh we came out to have dinner together. Yeah, but um after the dinner, yeah, okay, so so throughout the dinner we had a really good chat, and it was the dinner that lasted four hours until 11 p.m. when the restaurant closed. So yeah, obviously um we had much to s uh chat about and we had a lot of compatibility and everything. But you know, it it wasn't enough to like be wow, you know, ignite such a romantic spark that we couldn't uh keep our eyes off of each other, sort of thing. Yeah, it's like not in the rom-coms, right? So uh yeah, I'd say that we had an amazing chat, but it was still not enough to immediately like get together or something, right? So so after that dinner, I remember we we went off uh like oh uh we went off for yeah, a few weeks, I think. It was like uh another few weeks, but we had chatted, we had texted uh consistently on the phone, like every day, and you know, we would talk about our day and everything. Uh yeah, back then I I I didn't have Instagram. I think there was Instagram, but I didn't have it. Yeah, it wasn't that common or yeah, I I wasn't on there. Uh so so yeah, we we didn't really like see pictures of each other or anything, but we we texted for you know consistently for a few weeks. Yeah, like very much like uh SWATI, right? And and so afterwards, I I think like this sort of developed uh like through through the texting, like through the getting to know. It was our our form of getting to know each other through daily life. Yeah, so we would talk about like our day, how it was, but but not getting into it like MSN, like not chatting like hours on end, like into the in into the night, like chatting about intimate thoughts. It wasn't like that. Yeah, like I I had had enough of that, like being burnt by that. So, like, no more of that for me. I've learned my lesson throughout uni. Okay, so uh yeah, I didn't want this to turn out awkward. So like I was like I vowed like never to share my intimate thoughts with someone who I've only seen for like two times, okay, in person. So it's like really, really not healthy. Yeah, so uh with my husband, like we were taking it slow and gradually trying to know each other to gauge each other's commonalities and values and everything through just simple uh lighthearted texting uh every day. Yeah, so um through that our relationship, uh friendship, yeah, relationship, uh slowly developed over the the few weeks. Yeah, and then um one day uh I remember my husband, he said something like he texted something like um that there's an ice skating rink in like a shopping mall, but there's something going on there. Something like that, yeah. But but yeah, he he didn't say, Oh, do you want to go ice skating? Yeah, he didn't actually say that, but and but I could feel that like he wanted to get to something. So I, you know, I I just sort of made the uh the suggestion for him. I said, uh, oh, um, come on, you can do better than that. Uh, how about a movie for a change? Yeah, I still remember texting that. And then he said he immediately caught up to it and he said, Oh, great. Like, there's actually a new movie on uh uh this weekend. Do you want to go see it? And I said, Yeah, yeah. And and that's when we came out over the weekend, and that day was the day that we had got together. Yeah, it just came so naturally because like over those several weeks of getting to know each other organically and unforcedly, uh we we we slowly developed something without us knowing. Like there was this uh slow burn sort of um affiliation that we established uh under our very noses, like without us knowing, right? Mysteriously. Um and that was like the most natural thing of all. And so by the time that we had decided to come out again to see each other, it was the time that everything came together. Yeah, so um I I think you know, through through my example, Swati's example, I really just want to let everyone know that it's so important to have things like slowly develop and to not um not give up immediately when you feel that there's no instant attraction or there's no immediate spark or it's not love at first sight. Yeah, like it doesn't happen that way for normal relationships. Um, and you know, to to not give up on it and to give love a chance to grow, to give the relationship a chance to grow, to give the friendship a chance to to grow, right? And you know, to to nurture it, and then when the time comes, it'll blossom. Yeah, like the the beautiful flower will blossom. It will come into full bloom when the time is right. So not forcing it to open before it's the time is ripe. So r remember my MSN story, whenever like you feel the urge to uh to to expedite things, because it it'll not go well. Like when something happens too fast and um like someone is overly enthusiastic, uh you you may be like blinded by all the heat. Like it may be, you know, false passion. Like if someone, you know, is is too uh pursuing you with too much enthusiasm, you might, you know, have the false notion that, wow, this is love or something b before it's even ready, or you you haven't even gotten to know this person um properly, and then you fell into this relationship uh without it being suitable. Yeah, so sometimes that happens too when things happen too too rashly. You might get sucked into something that wasn't entirely suitable for you in the first place, but because you hadn't let the chance for it to grow on you, or for you to gauge whether it's suitable, or you to figure out if there are enough commonalities or your values aligned, you didn't give yourself a chance to figure it out and to do some discovery uh uh on this person, right? And then you just fell into it because this person was like pursuing you too ardently that you just couldn't say no. Yeah, some some people also experience this, and it's like the opposite case of slowburn, right? So this instant gratification thing, uh, which is never good because yeah, it it would not end well if something happened too rashly before you had a chance to consider it, to deliberate whether it's suitable for you. And then you would get burnt really badly in the end when you do figure out, you know, after jumping into it, because after you jump into this heated, passionate affair, like you would have invested a lot of emotion and love and your heart. You know, you threw everything in into it, and then to figure out slowly the other way that it didn't work, it it unraveled in front of your eyes. That is the most painful. Yeah, I think like people have tr have experienced this before all the time. Like in the heat of the moment, you you say yes to things that you shouldn't, or you you say yes to things that you haven't considered properly, haven't given the time to figure out because people were the other person was probably like too overwhelming. They like threw you into it and you couldn't say no. Like it happens all the time, especially when we're young and rash, right? And we just feel a lot of fantasy, you know, we fantasize about the perfect relationship, and we we just want to get to that quickly, right? Like we don't want to wait. And and so, you know, we get ourselves into trouble and a lot of heartache when we do figure out that this person is not right for us. So in ev so, in order to prevent this heartache, uh, especially when we grow older, there's not that much capacity for this, you know, like as I was saying in my other episode about don't give up on love, yeah. Uh because like a lot of people get so disillusioned about love, about failed relationship attempts, that they just give up because it's too it's too painful, right? To continue. And like they just don't have the heart to carry on anymore. So, you know, I was I was saying you should shield yourself from a lot of hurt and misery if you deliberate more before you jump into anything. And you know, what SWATI did was just really rational and very wise. You know, she took the time to do her discovery of this person, her and her fiance as well. Yeah, they were super wise about that, super intelligent about that. And then, you know, it came the time uh that everything came together when they finally realized that they have a lot of commonalities and they're the right person for each other. Uh it took weeks and weeks, didn't it? Yeah, but finally, when the time comes, it'll come, yeah. It's it's so beautiful. Yeah, I'm so happy for her, and then you know, she really inspired me to talk about this, and it'll benefit so many people, I think. Yeah, you know, in in Chinese, uh we always say like the best relationship, the most sustainable long-term relationship, is one that is like a slow burn, like you gradually develop the feelings and the love, which will last forever, as opposed to like something that's instantly like gratifying, like immediate passion. That will just burn you alive. Yeah, like the spark has to develop and grow and be nurtured instead of just like like wham, like burning really brightly in the first instant, it'll just quickly blow out, right? When the spark is like super, super strong, it'll blow out really quick. So it it should be like the other way around, like a healthy, sustainable, long-term relationship that has long-lasting quality should be like a slow burn, yeah, instead of an instant passion. Yeah, and love, you know, between a couple, it it really should grow over time. Um, you know, it's like um a wine that should be slowly ripened to perfection. Yeah, so uh it'll just grow, like the love will grow, your affection for each other will grow. Um, that is just much more timeless than overwhelming passion. So remember, next time when you go on a dating website or an app or uh you're introduced by friends to someone, remember to take it slow. And you know, after the initial uh meeting or the initial chat, um you remember that it should actually be quite foreign and it it should not carry any like intimate implications, or yeah, it should not actually be having like uh immense romantic spark because yeah, like I think that is a red flag in itself. Like you don't know what the you you you you know you you don't know the agenda of the other person if if they're like forcing it or rushing it, okay? So like uh remember it's it's no it's perfectly normal and it should be that way meeting a stranger for the first time that all you should be developing is good impressions of each other. Yeah, whether this person is annoying, you know, is impolite, uh has character flaw or or is really sloppy, like these are the the only things that you should be gauging at that first meeting. If those surface qualities don't match uh your expectations, you're you're not happy with them, then okay, no more second meeting, or no more second chat, right? Yeah, but okay, if if all goes well, then you know the only feeling you should have at that initial encounter should actually just be, you know, have having a good impression, whether you or not you wanna do another chat or you want to get to know this person more. Yeah, but it should not be like some deep romantic revelation or or anything. Remember that. Yeah, uh, remember it's it's not healthy. It's it's it's a red flag. All you need is uh a good impression, and then you can um you you can start from there slowly and then you do your own investigation, you do your own digging, do your own discovery on social media, which is so common now. Come on, like I think most people have something where you can uh get your hands on, you know, lay your eyes on. Uh, you know, ask for each other's IG or ask for each other's Facebook or or or or LinkedIn, I don't know, or something. Try to see if you have the right vibe and try to like chat, but remember not the deep emotional MSN chat that I had before, right? So just you know, some normal uh day-to-day texting, trying to see like each other's daily lives and those things, you know, try to keep it casual and yet um you know, enough to keep contact, to to gauge the possibility, right? That you know it, right? So remember, like the initial encounter, not romantic, should not be romantic, and but do not discount it. Yeah, so the important thing is um do not uh discount this meeting and like do not overlook this meeting and do not give up on this meeting or this person just because you didn't feel anything. Yeah, come on, you're not supposed to feel anything yet. Come on, it's like so so early days. Yeah, so remember don't give up and uh to give love a chance, give love a chance to, you know, give the friendship a chance to grow, give the relationship a chance to grow and to blossom, and when the time is right, it will amount to something. Yeah, just like SWATI, yeah, who just got engaged. Okay, so thank you so much for this uplifting story of SWATI and Ayush, congratulations again, and uh remember to um take inspiration from it and don't give up on your initial encounter. Remember to give a chance for it to grow, okay? So you never know where it'll lead, like maybe to somewhere unexpected, or maybe like to a relationship or an engagement, and it's it's really up to you, yeah, if you don't give up. Thank you so much for being here, and remember to subscribe to Love and Life Sorted so you don't miss an episode. And if you want to continue our chat outside of the podcast uh on partner choices and relationships, remember to subscribe to my newsletter. If you want to see more fun stuff, hop onto our Instagram page and follow us on Instagram, and I'll see you again next week. Bye.