Boundaries: Teach People How to Treat You (Part One)

In this episode, we begin the talk about boundaries—the invisible fences that keep your sanity intact. If you’ve ever said “yes” while dying inside, avoided conflict like it’s your full-time job, or felt like everyone else’s emotional support human… this one’s for you. In this boundary series, we unpack why setting them feels so hard (especially if you were raised to be “nice”), how to spot where yours are missing, and how to start holding them without the guilt spiral. Spoiler: protecting your peace doesn’t make you mean—it makes you wise (and it serves other people). Let’s laugh, learn, and lovingly say nope together.

For FREE Resources, KB's Self-Love Merch Shop, Book link, Coaching and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen : 0:00

Hello everyone and good day to you. Welcome back to another episode of Empower Hour with KB. My name is Kristen Brown and I will be your host for the next hour or so. I am an intuitive healer, a coach, a mentor, and a speaker who specializes in helping individuals reclaim their true worth and embrace their personal power. And learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is a part of reclaiming our personal power. Oftentimes in life, we are given away our power, we're given away our strength, we're compromising our sacred self. We are going above and beyond for so many people in our life that we don't have the time for ourselves. And I'm here with you today to talk extensively about the topic of boundaries, because boundaries are crucial on our path to reclaiming our personal power. And they're also a large, excuse me, large part of healing from people pleasing. Most of you know that I've written the book, The Recovering People Pleaser, that was published, I always say processed, I always want to say processed. It was published in April of 2023. And it became an international number one bestseller in just a couple of hours because people are really relating to this topic. Gratefully, with all the news and the media and social media and these types of things out in the world, there's been a lot more information about people pleasing out there. And so people are starting to recognize the signs and symptoms of people pleasing. And some people are realizing that it's them. They're like, holy moly, this is me. I check all the boxes of this or some of the boxes of this. And by the way, there's also a continuum when it comes to people pleasing. Sometimes we might be good at some areas in our lives and not so good at other areas in our lives. Sometimes it's we're pretty firm in our boundaries with some people, not so much with other people in our lives, or maybe we're great at it at our work, but not so great at it in our personal lives, or vice versa. And boundaries are just something that I believe the more that we practice, the more that we are going to become good at. And I would love to read to you guys an excerpt out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, because this really encapsulates it all. And I felt like, you know, this is something that I would love to read to you guys because I explain it in such great detail that I think it'll help you to understand. This is this this type of this chapter, it's a full chapter, it's chapter seven, and it's called Setting Healthy Boundaries, Teaching Others How to Treat You. And with all of my chapters, I start with a quote, a powerful quote from another individual slash teacher, author in the outside world. And this one is from Louise Hay. And she says, remember, you are the most important person in your life. Until we begin to value ourselves enough to meet our own needs, we can't expect others around us to do it. Take it one day at a time. And this is me, this is my writing now. Who knew that setting boundaries could be so complicated? Not this girl. I assumed setting limits with people who were treating me poorly would be easy. I'd speak the boundary, they'd follow the instruction, and all would be well. But that didn't happen. I found myself having to repeat my boundaries many times and received pushbacks and arguments instead of compliance. It seemed every time I spoke up about poor treatment, it was turned around on me. I've been called controlling and didn't know it all. I was told I was PMSing, and I was even labeled a narcissist once. I remember back in high school when my best friend, who I'd known since birth, and my boyfriend had cheated on me, people acted like I was out of line for not wanting to be around them. Wait a minute, they betrayed me. Why was I the bad guy? Another time I kindly mentioned to a longtime girlfriend that she had no showed her last three hair appointments with me, and it was creating space in my schedule that I could not fill at the last minute. And she got upset with me. What's worse, we never spoke again. What the bleep? I didn't get it. If someone called me out on rude or disrespectful behavior, I apologized and did my very best to never do it again. Why wasn't I receiving the same? I'm sure many of you can relate to these examples and so many more. As Byron Cady says, there are no new stories. The characters and scenarios might change, but the feelings are the same. Boundaries can be more complex than we were taught to believe. Therefore, my intention with this chapter is to help clear up any misconceptions you might have regarding what boundaries are, how to set them with intention, what bolsters our practice, and what to do if your boundary is not heated. What are boundaries? Boundaries is a noun and it's plural. They are unofficial rules of what should be done. They are limits that define acceptable behavior. Boundaries are the way we communicate through words and actions what is unacceptable to us. They set proper limits with others that clearly convey what we are not willing to put up with and what we will not allow into our lives and our energy. Boundaries are designed to protect ourselves and to protect and support our sacred selves. They are the centries of our minds, bodies, and spirits. Without healthy boundaries, we run the risk of feeling disrespected, depleted, taken advantage of, or intruded upon. Those feelings can lead to anger, resentment, burnout, low self-esteem, or anxiety and depression. Not only are those dense emotional spaces to function in, but they are also contribute to the disconnection and breakdown of our relationships. Without boundaries, relationships are superficial and flimsy because people are dancing around the truth rather than engaging with it. The problem is that without addressing our feelings and establishing appropriate limits, our relationships cannot grow and flourish. Well-placed boundaries serve to fortify the structures of our relationships because both parties are treated in respectful and loving ways. All relationships are designed to show us ourselves. They are classrooms to learn in. They reflect and project what is happening in our inner worlds, where we are empowered and where we are not. When two personalities join in a relationship, romantic or platonic, each party brings a set of ideologies, fears, belief systems, programmed habits, behaviors, and patterns. Each shows up in a way that communicates their values, emotional wounds, and where they're at on their respective spiritual journeys. Each participant has an opportunity to determine what aspects of their behavior are acceptable and which ones are not. Allow me to be radically clear here. Limits are not about trying to change a person into your idea of perfection or to manipulate them into giving you what you want. They're also not about building a fortress around your heart and expecting someone to break it down. Boundaries are based on the desire to be treated with respect and kindness and a keen understanding that it is our duty to teach others how to do so. Setting treatment parameters with others is where the rubber hits the road with reclaiming our personal power. This is where owning our true worth really happens. Healthy limits are self-love in action. Let me read that again. It is our responsibility as recovering people pleasers to treat ourselves well and to teach others how to do the same. Because many of us have histories of being disrespected, dishonored, and unprotected. It can feel commonplace when we're treated as such. So let me explain that a little bit more. When we have a history of treating ourselves poorly, when others treat us poorly, it doesn't stand out to us as much because we already are treating ourselves that way. There's like there's not no disconnection. But let me tell you guys, when you start treating yourselves really well and somebody comes in and starts to treat you poorly, it shines like a beacon. You notice right away. It is our responsibility as recovering people pleasers to treat ourselves well and to teach others how to do the same. Because many of us have histories of being disre oh, I just read that. In the beginning, it can be difficult to discern the line between what is okay and what is not, because we are used to certain treatment. Therefore, self-love is paramount for our people-pleasing recovery. Self-love love does more than simply reset our foundations. It shows us, perhaps for the first time, what it feels like to be respected and honored. When we're kind and respectful to ourselves, it becomes blatantly obvious when others are not. We become clear-sighted and resolute where we were once, wishy-washy and unsure. We cannot experience a loving and respectful relationship if we're complaining about others' behaviors but are unwilling to do something about it. Healthy limitations transmit to the world that you know who you are and what you deserve. They demonstrate you're willing to do what it takes to be treated well. Every day we have opportunities to teach people how to treat us. Assuming others should know, in air quotes, what is tolerable sets the relationships up for breakdown. When we communicate where our lines are, our people don't have to guess about what's required to be with us. Additionally, we're not carrying around extra emotional weight for not standing up for and taking care of ourselves. Which comes first? Self-love or boundaries? Dr. John D. Martini says, this is one of my ultimate favorite quotes any place we are not empowered, someone will overpower. Not long ago, I had a conversation with a gentleman who's a dating coach. He mentioned he often tells his clients to set boundaries, inferring that it's easy. I explained to him that it's not that easy for some people. Speaking up about our limits is one thing, but holding them can be challenging. If we don't have a secure foundation, self-worth, in place before setting a limitation, we run the risk of folding for several reasons. One, we're more worried about the other person's perception of us than our self-respect. Two, if the boundary was set from anger or frustration, our strength diminishes as the emotion fades. And three, we're more afraid of being alone than being treated appropriately. He respectfully pushed back and said that humans learn through repetition, and the more you do something, the easier it gets, just like learning to tie your shoes. I agreed that repetition does indeed make things easier, although learning to tie a shoe doesn't involve emotional risk, real or perceived. Boundaries can be quite scary and intimidating at first. Although there are people who find boundary setting easy, there's a whole slew of people who find it challenging or even impossible. Many of us realize a need for boundaries but are unable to set them for fear of the consequences that may arise from them. Or we set flimsy boundaries hoping they'll get it. So we don't look like the bad guy. This is where self-love makes all the difference. A person with a healthy love of personal value will naturally have an easier time respecting and protecting themselves. Healthy boundaries are an organic response to self-worth. We still may not enjoy setting boundaries, but we can no longer allow bad behaviors to go unaddressed. However, what the gentleman was suggesting is also true. Science supports that we get better at something the more we practice it. The repetition of new thoughts and behaviors forms new neural pathways in our brains. This is called learning. Neural pathways are the configuration of connections among the neurons, brain cells, in your brain. You can think of them as patterns that represent any simple thought, such as a banana, or a complex thought, like intuition. Every thought we have is a result of a neuropathway. Some neural pathways are well formed and referred to as dominant, where others are new or fragile and referred to as lesser. The more we practice or repeat something, the more dominant the pathway becomes in our thinking, language, and behavior. Think back to my previous example of spelling and vocabulary words in grade school. I'm referring to something earlier in this book. We learned them by restating them many times until eventually they stuck. The same concept applies here. We can become proficient at setting boundaries the more we practice them. So what comes first? Self-love or boundaries? Well, it depends where you are at on your journey. Remember, recovering people pleasers are on a continuum. If you're already good at setting boundaries, your self-love practice will fortify it. If you've never been good at setting them, your self-love practice will foster it. So the answer is both. Setting boundaries becomes easier the better we love ourselves and the more we practice them. It's not important to discern what comes first, nor is it necessary to know where you fall on the spectrum. It's only important to start working on them. Like the beloved Louise Hayes said in the opening quote of this chapter. Take it one day at a time. Alright, you guys, if anybody would like to join this conversation, please do. Tap the guest button and the uh little circle button with the microphone in it next to my profile picture here, and you are welcome to come up and share anything that you would like to share. Okay, I'm going to continue on with this chapter. This is an excerpt out of the book, The Recovering People Pleaser, that I published in April of 2023. The subchapter is called Boundaries Serve Both Parties. And this is one of my favorite things about boundaries. When we start setting boundaries with our established relationships, people will likely resist. After all, we've trained them that their needs and wants come before ours, and we haven't required them to act any differently. Since they're used to getting their way with us, they'll likely fight back when we no longer allow it. Their fight, however, is often not only about them not getting their way. Boundaries also shine a light on the boundary receiver's unhealed places. Their dependencies, selfishness, fears, or controlling behavior. Your boundary can spring their ego into action, which can ignite intense emotions. These emotions can result in behaviors such as, but not limited to, denial, defense, gaslighting, or emotional outbursts. Taking responsibility for our behaviors is an act of our higher selves. It is rooted in love, which ultimately means death to the ego. It will do everything in its power to prove you wrong so it can preserve itself. Since many people commune with the ego more so than their higher selves, they may fight back fiercely. Understanding what happens in these types of situations gave me strength to hold my lines, because I knew their attacks were simply their ego fighting for its life, and it had nothing to do with the validity of my boundary. Setting boundaries, especially with our loved ones, can seem intimidating at first. The fear of losing their affection or love, hurting their feelings, or making them angry can feel quite daunting. As people pleasers, we often care about others' feelings over our own. We justify or make excuses for their behaviors because we fear potential fallout. We may subconsciously feel undeserving of better treatment or fear being alone. Instead of risking, upsetting, or losing someone in our lives, we upset and lose ourselves instead. I'm gonna read that again. If I can find it. We become fractured versions of who we are, and then wonder why we keep experiencing lopsided and painful relationships and feel unfulfilled. I've always had higher standards, high standards for myself. I've always wanted to be the best daughter, sister, friend, mother, and partner I could be. I'm a lover and a nurturer after all. When I originally received pushback for my boundaries, I'd fold because I felt like I was doing something wrong. Then I learned something powerful. Anything rooted in love is always right, even when it's love of self. Setting healthy boundaries an example is an example of God working through me. Since pure love always works for the highest good of all concerned, I realized that healthy boundaries served both parties. Anything rooted in love is always right, even when it's love of self. Setting healthy boundaries is an example of God working through me. Since pure God love always works for the highest good of all concerned, I realize that healthy boundaries serve both parties. A firm, well-sat boundary gives the other person the opportunity to discover and heal disowned aspects of themselves. Both parties win when we are willing to set healthy limits. We get to be treated better and they get to grow. How exciting is that? Now, I'm not implying that this is the sole reason to set boundaries. It's not our job to keep tabs on other people's growth. That's God's business. However, it might help to know that a boundary rooted in love, in the love of self, is showing love to your person too. Our job is to love ourselves to the best of our abilities and let the rest fall into place. You will likely discover your firm boundary was the best thing to happen to your relationship. All right, I'm gonna take a sip of water, but of course, if anybody would like to join, come on up on the stage, discuss something that I have already spoken about, talk about your experience with setting boundaries, maybe something you're learning, tell a little story. You are more than welcome to join. I'm gonna drink a little sip of water as I bring up Miss Rachel. Welcome, Rachel. Thank you for joining me. Thank you, Rachel. Good day. Hi.

Rachel: 21:11

Good day. It's funny. Every time you do one on boundaries, I always think of the first time I came on your show. Very nervous about setting boundaries. Um, I had set some boundaries, but it was they were wobbly. Right. My my fences were wobbly, but they have been reinforced, and I've learned that the more boundaries I've set, when you say no to someone and you set your boundaries, you're saying yes to you.

Kristen : 21:44

Yep.

Rachel: 21:45

And it's funny, the one person I set boundaries with, they've pulled back a lot, but like you said, you have fear of being alone, but I've learned that I'm better company than that person. Yes, yes, being alone with myself, I have better company than being with that one person because it was toxic. It was not, it I mean, now his wife I've set boundaries with, and she has grown to the challenge. At first I was the villain, but now she's like, I feel like the respect for me has grown. And instead of do this for me, or it's more a question, and as far as a relationship, I pulled back just to see, you know, was it was all my give and her take, and I pulled back, and she's been actively pursuing a relationship with me, and I am very willing to hang out with her. Like she treated me out to we both went and got more piercings in our ears, and then we went to lunch together, and then she hung out with me for the weekend, and basically she's like, Can I hang out with you? And it's like, Absolutely.

Kristen : 23:15

She's asking your permission to hang out with you. That's so cute. And I'm like, Why why do you need permission?

Rachel: 23:21

You're we're we're friends. I just wanted a better level of respect. It's not, don't take me for granted, and don't just expect me to be your lap dog.

Kristen : 23:36

Yeah.

Rachel: 23:38

And once I set boundaries, I have two friends, and I've set boundaries with both, and they've actually risen to the challenge, and I'm really over the moon about it because we've been friends for 20 plus years. And although I would have hated if they would have left, as more the more I've come to love myself, the more I would have been okay with it. Because if I have to live without one or the other, I don't want I don't want to live without me.

Kristen : 24:09

That's so good, Rachel. That's it right there. And that is summing up something that I try to share with people over and over again. Like the more you love yourself, the less that stuff matters.

Rachel: 24:21

It does. The more you love yourself, the less the love of the insignificant, narcissistic, emotionally immature, toxic people matter. Mm-hmm. Like the people that are real and true will love you through whatever you're doing. And they will respect your boundaries.

Kristen : 24:47

I have a question for you, Rachel, if you're willing. Yes. It'll be an easy one. Um, so in the beginning, you were talking about your boundaries were wobbly, but then they fortified. Can you share with everybody like what changed? How did you get them to be less wobbly?

Rachel: 25:03

I learned that some things are not compromisable. Like, like I was friends with a friend of mine's husband. I thought of him like a brother, and he took advantage of that friendship and then made a pass at me. Basically offered me to be his side piece. And that I guess the boundaries he he felt my my friendship or however I was acting was an invitation for that. And that's when I had to put up the fortify the boundaries because even though I was not at a great point, I had enough respect for myself to know that that was inappropriate and wrong. And I the more I love myself, the stronger that boundary's gotten, and the more I've voiced my opinion of that.

Kristen : 26:04

Rachel, you can Rachel, you can come back. You just timed out, and you there's no one in the queue. So feel free to come up and finish that. But yes, so what I'm hearing you say is the you you are all in the process of loving yourself in in this moment too, as well as setting that boundary. And you said the more that you voiced it, the stronger that it became. Is am I hearing that correctly? Yes.

Rachel: 26:26

To the point I basically said, look, I'm not even gonna talk to you, even as a friend, if you're gonna bring up anything inappropriate. And since then, I've talked to him some total of once, and he's texted like Merry Christmas or whatever, and I answer a general quest answer back. Because I'm not going to, I don't want him to mistake my friendship for anything else than you're married to one of my best friends, and I am your friend by association, and although I offered friendship, you wanted more, and the boundary stops there. Um and that's where it's at now, and I'm good with it.

Kristen : 27:23

Yeah, and is it uh when you're around him, do you feel uncomfortable, or is it just kind of back to status quo because now he's acting like um a respectful human being?

Rachel: 27:34

Luckily, he has a job that takes him out, and I've only saw him twice. Oh, that's since then, and the first time was a little awkward, and the second time was better because I cared less of if it was awkward. Just kind of like, you know what? I have more respect for me, and I don't care if he feels any sort of way, because this is how I feel, and that's my boundary, and that's not to be crossed. A friend of mine said, when a boundary comes, when a boundary has a gold band involved, the the wall has barbed wire on top.

Kristen : 28:18

Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's amazing to me what people will try to pull. I just have to throw that out there. So does it and your friend doesn't know? No. Okay, yeah.

Rachel: 28:34

I didn't tell her because I'm not sure how she would receive it or really whether she would believe it or not. Because it would be she said, he said, and I know, I know.

Kristen : 28:46

And it's just best. It is a precarious situation. It is, and that happens for sure. I've been in situations similar, it different, different contexts, different stories, but where I was like, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like, what do I do? Exactly. You know, what do I do here? Yeah, it's it's yeah, that's not fun. That's not a funny.

Rachel: 29:11

And since he's not in the picture much, I just let her be ignorant.

Kristen : 29:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not that, yeah, I gotcha. Well, gosh, Rachel, I love that I remember that that was the first conversation that you had here, and you were sharing that with me, but you were, you know, you were pretty, you were ready to do it. And and you came up a couple times afterwards too, where you're like, okay, here's how it's going. And I remember saying something like, keep going, or I don't remember exactly, you guys. And you did absolutely encouraging. Yeah, yeah, you kept showing up for it though, and saying, Okay, okay. And then look where you're at now. The most fabulous thing, though, to me, and make it puts a smile on my face, is what I'm hearing is that when you did set those boundaries. With your girlfriends, that they showed up to it. That they said, I value you enough that okay, I will, I will heed your boundary. And I think that's really beautiful because that doesn't always happen, you guys. Sometimes people say, Screw you, I was just in it to see what I could get from you. I don't have to use from you anymore. I'm out of here.

Rachel: 30:23

And I'm learning more about boundaries and how to be careful, like setting boundaries when my brother is more precarious because it's family, and well, I'm trying to back off and let him grow as well.

Kristen : 30:45

And it's it's coming along. It's a work in progress. See, and that's another great point. Because people that we love, and we really don't want them out of our house our lives, we can play in this arena, right? We can we can have it be a work in progress.

Rachel: 31:03

We can. And I've learned, like at first, when I set the boundaries with the girlfriends.

Kristen : 31:11

Rachel, you topped you timed out, so can you rejoin again so you can finish? Yeah, the villa, okay, she's going somewhere really important here. She's saying when she first started to set boundaries, she was villainized. I have been the villain more times than I can tell you guys because I'm setting a boundary, like a true, true boundary of hey, not okay, not cool, and all of a sudden I'm the jerk. Exactly.

Rachel: 31:32

It's like, oh, well, I'm this, and why would you do? It's like, and I had to learn to be to be their villain. I was my own hero.

Kristen : 31:45

Yep.

Rachel: 31:46

So that that in that, and I heard Wandering Fools say this one time, cranked up at it, and I've embraced what she said. She said, if I have to be the villain, then ooga booga. Oh, that's right. It was great. It was so great.

Kristen : 32:02

I remember that.

Rachel: 32:04

It was so great. And I'm like, you know what? She's right. Be the villain.

Kristen : 32:08

That's how I felt too. I was like, well, because one of my fears as a people pleaser was being disliked. And I didn't want to be the villain. I wanted to be everybody's best friend and Kristen. Oh, yay. And I thought I had to really give it some thought. I'm pretty quick with this stuff, though. I'm going to be honest with you guys. When I set my mind on something, I had to give it some thought and say, so this person's going to think I'm a jerk. And I'm using, you know, nice words here. And I was like, all right, well, if that's what it means to love myself, that somebody's going to think I'm a, you know, a jerk. Oh, oh well. Like, I got comfortable with that. I got comfortable with that. I'm going to, that's going to be a big deal because I'm I'm ready to do something different in my life. And this is what it's going to look like. This is part of, because remember, you guys, I didn't have a teacher. I didn't have a coach. So I was just messing around in this arena trying to figure stuff out. And I was like, okay, this was part of the journey. If I get called a name or people try to make me wrong, that was a big one. They tried to make me wrong. And I was like, okay, well, this is kind of logic. Right now, go go research it. Go YouTube. Go go ask any healthy person if this behavior's okay. Then report back to me and tell me I'm wrong. But I would also, I don't know about you, Rachel, but I would engage. Oh no, this isn't wrong. And here's why. And I would, I would try to convince them. And guess what, y'all? That fell to the wayside too. I stopped. I was like, I'm done. This is not okay, done. And if you want to fight, you can sit here and fight with yourself, but you're not going to fight with me.

Rachel: 33:43

Exactly. And I've learned that if you have to embrace the villain, embrace the villain. And it's funny. My my nickname from my niece was the pirate princess. And I just started laughing one day because I told my mom, I'm like, well, they're making me the villain. I started laughing. I said, Well, you know, I am called the pirate princess. And what is a pirate but a villain? So I guess I'm just living up to the nickname.

Kristen : 34:06

Yeah. I mean, and that's okay because there's also this narrative out in the world that says, in order to love ourselves, we must be willing to be the villain in somebody else's story. And by all means, yes. Yes. And it's uncomfortable to me, I will tell you guys still to this day, and I mean like a one out of ten, but I feel it. I don't like it. I still don't like that that I'm the villain to somebody.

Rachel: 34:31

And it is, it's but we have to feel it, embrace it, and let it go. I'm learning that one too. Yep. And that process, I'm getting better at that process to say, you know what? So I'm the villain. But like I said, in order to be their villain, if I'm their villain, means I'm my own hero.

Kristen : 34:54

And I'm good with it. And you know what's even funnier, Rachel, because I'm sure you can relate to this. Kristen Brown, a villain. Like that is the most boxy moron in the world. Like I'm the, you know, I'm the one that's saving cats and wants to have every single homeless child on my lap. I want, you know what I mean? So when when I'm the villain to somebody, it's almost like, what? But okay, okay. So that's what I mean. I had to get comfortable with it because who I knew me to be, I don't do bad things. I don't lie to people, I don't cheat on people, I don't steal, I don't do any of these things. So I was like, okay, which to me, those are that's the villainous behavior. So for someone to call to think of me as the villain or the bad guy, I was like, that's that's your story, that's your reality, and I can't change that, and that's okay. And used to it bothering me.

Rachel: 35:49

I'm like, so I'm evil, great. Let's add that. Like on my in my before the whole self-love, I'm like, so now I'm evil, great. Let's add that to the lovely characteristics, and now it's like, huh. It's on you.

Kristen : 36:06

It's on you. And that's the most important part, is really understanding that it's about the other person. Rachel, thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, my brother. Thank you for having me. You betcha. Someone bring up my brother Mojo. While he comes up, thank you guys for being here. I appreciating all the love and claps. And that was such a tremendous share from Rachel, my goodness.

Joseph: 36:28

Um, I just wanted to tag on to what both Rachel and Kristen have been sharing. And I had to learn this lesson the hard way, like most lessons of my life. But there's in my own family, um, there are people who, in my own family, my extended family, um, that one views me as a villain and the other as a hero. And I'm not doing anything different, I'm not treating them any different. I am imperfect, of course, but the way the person on the other end of the relationship interprets me is completely different than the another person in the same circumstances. And that really crazy? Yeah, it befuddled me for the longest time. I was like, Well, how can this be? Because they're both getting the same me, but they're seeing something completely different. And that's when it's cemented this truth that you've been telling all of us is that uh outside of my behavior, the outcomes are really out of my control, they're out of my hands. And so the only thing I can control is my effort. Uh, make sure that I am being as full of character and doing the things that I think are right and apologizing when I make a mistake, and all the things that I've been trained to do, and I've done my whole life. And and I've had people before, before family, I've had people, you know, yeah, like friends and acquaintances who could see me different ways, and I just thought it was uh because of lack of exposure to they didn't really know who they didn't really know me. But now I'm faced with the fact that people who really know me, they know me well, see me as like a like a completely different person, and it's not not because I'm doing anything different. It has to be the only explanation, the only logical explanation is the filter through which they interpret what they're seeing, right? 100%. And that once once that once I finally realize that, and I um rather than trying to fix it or change, right? In fact, in fact, there was way too long that I tried to adjust who I was so that they could see me more clearly, and it never worked. It never worked. In fact, yeah, I would make a change in behavior, and then that was it was still I was still the villain because that's the filter through which I was being viewed, and and that that sucked for the longest time. I I couldn't stand it. I was so frustrated and and uh just mad. And then um the work that I've been doing, a lot of it with your influence, is to say, okay, Joe, what what what of this equation can you control? Well, uh the only thing I can control is me, my behavior, my intentions, my words, my actions, right? And and I don't do that perfectly, but I do it pretty well. And and like you said, um you could pull a hundred, two hundred people, three hundred people that have met me, that know me pretty well, and not none of them would classify me as a villain. And none of them put me in that except for one who knows me very well. One or two, maybe. And so that's that's when I have to go, okay. Well, the body of evidence shows that um the people who want to see me in the light in which I am projecting myself will, and those who don't won't, and there's nothing I can do about that. And so it takes me back to this quote that came to me just a couple weeks ago, and it's if I become someone I'm not, so that someone will love me, the only person they're loving is someone I'm not. That's right. And I can't do so powerful. I just can't I can't do that anymore. I won't do I can, I won't, I won't do that anymore. You know, and so if I find the villain, um, as the as the great actors of our time say, the villain is the funnest character to play. So let's go.

Kristen : 40:01

Oh my gosh. And you know, when I have noticed that and I know that I'm acting in integrity in all the ways, and and that person sees me through a filter, instead of hustling for approval that I might have done in the past, right, and to become that person that I'm not, yeah, just to and some people are just committed, they're just not gonna approve in no matter what. But instead, I switched that in my head to wow, this person sees me like that. That is so interesting.

Joseph: 40:35

Right.

Kristen : 40:36

Because that made it so neutral, like it really is not about me. And we can take this personally and go down some big rabbit hole of all of these things, or we can just look at it as, hmm, that's just a little bit of intel. That's all it is.

Joseph: 40:50

Yeah. And now what I'm asking, the the better question for me is well, what what has happened to that person that would cause them to have such a skewed perspective of who I am? And then I realize it's not about me at all, of course. It's it's about their own, their own wounds that are unhealed, right?

Kristen : 41:08

Absolutely. Joseph, that was such a powerful share. Thank you so much for that. And there's one other thing that I love, and that is that one-third of the people are going to love us. No matter what, they're gonna love you. One third of the people are not going to like you, no matter what. So we can try and try and try to adjust ourselves and to change ourselves in some way. They're just not gonna like you. And a third of the people aren't gonna carry their way. So there's two-thirds of the people that we don't need to bother with. That was so freeing to me initially when I heard that. I think I wrote that. I think that might be in the recovering people, please, but I don't remember. Yeah, I think I did. But when when I first heard that, my ego was like, oh, how dare you say that somebody might not like me? I am so likable. I am so lovable, I'm funny, I'm kind, I'm generous. That-that-that-da-da. And I, you know, my ego was like, oh my God, don't say that to me. I've worked so hard to be a good person. And then I realized you just can't, yeah. Yep. The I was just gonna say, BA, you wrote this right when I was gonna say this. So funny, it was about to come out of my mouth. You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. And that is a thousand percent. And so why bother? So now this is how I see life. I look for people who just like me. They just like me. Not look for, I don't like scan the environment, but I know that if someone doesn't, there's a there's a girl at my gym, I don't know what her deal is. I'm so friendly and nice. I don't just like go run and talk to everybody all the time working out. And and I did notice she's kind of like this with other people too. But you know, I'm like, hi, smile at her. I asked her one time what app she was using because she was doing such great workouts, and she's just very cold and abrupt, and she just doesn't really smile much. And well, then talked to her another time, and then I just kind of ignored her because I was like, I don't know what's going on with you, but you're not my person, obviously, right? I don't think it has anything to do with me per se, because I watch the way she interacts with other people. She stays very solo at the gym and she might like for a second, but she doesn't smile. It's like she doesn't invite further conversation. But a part of me was like, How could you not like me? Like how I'm so nice, right? How I was kind of thinking that. And then only for a second, because that's the ego coming up, right? The ego's like, how dare you not like me? But then I thought, I don't need it's just another, it's just a person. Let me word this correctly so you guys hear me, okay? It's just a person in my story that is not my person. That's all it is. It's a side character in my story that has nothing to do with my worth, it has nothing to do with who I am. That's all it is. Okay. Kind of digressed a little bit and got off boundaries, but hopefully we'll get back on track again. Next up, we have Cecilia Grace. Thank you for coming up. Welcome, welcome.

Cecilia: 44:09

Hi, Kristen. How are you? Hi! Hi, um, I'm sitting right uh under the speaker. I just noticed. Is it too loud?

Kristen : 44:17

No, you're great. I feel it's a little bit of slight something in the background, but it's not loud at all.

Cecilia: 44:22

Awesome. Um, well, thanks for having me. And I wanted to share something that Panash, I listen to him every day. You probably all know this by now, but I listen to Panash every day. He's been doing this morning meditation since the pandemic. And recently he said the ego, um, the ego um wants us to believe that if everyone else in the world was more like us, the world would just be better. Uh, the person would be better, um, everything would be better if everyone was more like us. I think that's hilarious and awesome and perfect, right? And um, I was just gonna do a little update on that friend that I was talking about that I didn't wind up meeting up for New Year's Eve because it's really interesting, right? That for me, there was no solid plan. We never said we were gonna meet up or anything, right? Um, or what time, nothing like that. So I was like, all right, this is very casual, no big deal. Um, he was going to be working at some point anyway, because he like does like the petty cabs, rides those uh bicycles around for the tourists and stuff. And um, so I thought, you know, whatever, it's super casual. And then I said yesterday that um he was really upset and he said, you know, like I was lying to him and stuff. And I'm like, who the heck is this guy that I need to be lying to him? I haven't seen one in 20 years. Like I need to lie anything, you know. And then um, so and then last night he asked me if I wanted to um meet up and I just ignored his message. I'm like, is he serious? You know, and I don't feel like I need to explain myself or no, and this is why. I just I just didn't respond. And then this morning I was up at like 5 a.m. And I just realized right now that I um messaged him at 5 55 a.m. because I saw his response this morning saying, um, what the heck did he say? Uh you're a stuck up uh F and Cal. And I was like, you know what? I was like, I am so proud of myself, right? Thank you for calling me that. Yeah. Yeah, like I I I laughed, I thought it was hilarious, but stuck up. That's like the 1970s. Yeah, the stuck up uh F and Cow. And I was like, so on New Year's Eve, right? Again, I didn't see I didn't hear there was no real like set plan, and I was just like, I wanted to go and do what I wanted to do, and that's what I did. And I'm just licking the back of all like the you know, that that feeling that you go with, you know, that spirit that you go with, that yeah, it's just you know, I'm I'm following what I want to do. And you know, I didn't meet up with him, and then to you know, me in the past, I was just thinking this too. Me in the past would have said, Oh yeah, since I didn't meet up with him on New Year's Eve and blah blah blah, yeah, sure, let me go see him tonight, like yesterday. Yeah, I'm so glad I didn't respond to that message either. And then the confirmation this morning of the message that I was like, that is crazy, but awesome too that I responded. I'm only seeing only noticing right now that I responded to him at 5 55 a.m. saying, I am so glad I didn't meet up with you. Like I received myself, and then I blocked him.

Kristen : 47:31

And that's it, you guys. Right there, you're seeing it in real time. You know, this person has come at Cece and she's like, Whoa, hey, and then it just gets worse and worse. And she didn't do anything, right? We have to be willing to be the villain because, like she said, she would have tried to make it up another day. Who's done that? Raise your hand if you've done that, you guys. I have, oh, I can't do it today, but let me hustle and make sure that you still like me and you know you're not mad at me. No, and you know what? Sometimes, you guys hear me well. Sometimes being called a stuck-up effing cow is the best word you can hear because you are getting radical intel from a person.

Cecilia: 48:12

That's right. And I got it even before meeting up with him, right? Or even before, like, I mean, because I did meet up with him, but even before that, I was getting that information, right? Which is like why I didn't even like make this plan or think, like, oh yeah, let me go meet up with him. Like, I just did my own thing and I was listening to that. And to me, that's loud and clear signs right there, you know, that I wasn't like, oh, let me go meet Dean. Like, he's the only person I know right here in Dublin. No, I didn't even need to do that. I was gonna do it on my own, you know.

Kristen : 48:42

Oh my gosh.

Cecilia: 48:43

Just looking back at that whole thing, I'm like, wow, that's cool.

Kristen : 48:47

Yeah, it is really cool. And you know, kudos to you, Cece, for spotting that immediately and and being and laughing at it because initially for me it's always a little jarring, but then I laugh at it. I'm like, what the heck? And then I'm like, oh my god, then it becomes funny.

Cecilia: 49:02

I was like, what? That's hilarious.

Kristen : 49:06

Oh yeah. See, so you timed out if you want to finish that. Come on up. And I do have someone in the queue. I've actually now have two someones in the queue, but I'll give you a minute to wrap that up because I want to keep moving through the queue as you guys know that I do. Look at all those rhymes. That was really cool.

Cecilia: 49:23

Um, but yeah, that whole thing again, just looking back on it and like, you know, I remember the exact feeling of, you know, the the initial communications with him, right? That oh, it was it was very casual, but there was no real drama to me to like meet up with him or anything, you know, no real. Um, and so I just did what I was feeling. And again, just to see everything how it worked out, and again, that I messaged him at 5 55 in the morning. I was like, whoa, this this is this whole thing was beautiful. Thank you.

Kristen : 50:01

Yep, that's exactly right. Thank you, Cece. Appreciate that. By and Cool Beans had messaged on the back channel and said, Can you imagine his behavior if he didn't get his way after hanging out several times? Oh, yeah. This is the thing for people, and this has nothing to do with CeCe's story. This is something generally that I'm gonna I'm gonna put out there because it is under the umbrella of boundaries. I tell people who have a history of attracting toxic and narcissistic type people, abusive, emotionally abusive people or controlling people, I say set boundaries often and early. Often and early. Now, this doesn't mean you're over there controlling the person. This boundaries aren't about control. And I am actually gonna have a part two on this tomorrow. Boundaries are not about control, okay? But if if the person is whatever they're doing, and you set a boundary to that dysfunctional, disruptive, disrespectful, uncool, mean, whatever type of behavior that it might be, okay. Um, you set those often early. You're gonna see who your person is. You're gonna see who that person is. And when we don't set them, the relationships go on, we get more connected with them, maybe we even sleep with them. Now we've bonded, and then this stuff's still going on, and we're still ignoring it, and we kind of start to speak up. Now we're like, you know, chest deep in this relationship, and we're trying to backpedal. How about if you learn that stuff in the beginning? You start to set those boundaries often and early and see what your person is made of. Kali, thank you so much for joining. I don't believe I have spoken with you yet, but thank you for being here, Kali. Hi, thank you for doing it. Kristen.

Callie: 51:47

Yeah, um, I am a newbie, but I'm really glad um to participate in this discussion. So um by saying the quote that you mentioned earlier, it's an oldie but goody about pleasing some of the people some of the time, but you can't please them all of the time. But 100% of the time, and maybe you know that where that's where the focus needs to lie because um I am a recovering people pleaser, not recovered, but recovering. And I realize that um people pleasing and the root of rejection are kissing cousins. So I'm really trying to just really get healed in that area, and I find that to be helpful is helping me to value me, and so by valuing me, it helps me to value celebrating those who value my presence. And if you don't, you know, you can just keep it moving. So I'm I'm I'm growing, I'm I'm not there, you know. And every now and then we have indicators that let us know, you know what, sister, you ain't there yet, you know. I had uh something over the holidays regarding my sister, my blood sister, and she um, you know, she said she was going to New York, she was gonna catch a play, and you know, kind of, you know, like a little fun trip or whatever. And I'm like, okay, that would be nice to, you know, for her to invite me along. Um, she never did. She actually invited someone that she met very recently, and I'm like, okay, I'm your sister, you didn't invite me, but yet you invite this person who's you know practically a stranger. And I had to really process that because initially I was like, what's wrong with me? Why didn't you invite me? Why wasn't I not worthy enough to be invited on this amazing trip? And then eventually I just had to release it. For whatever reason, yeah, she didn't choose me, but that does not minimize my value.

Kristen : 53:50

That's it right there. Yeah. And I love I love that you referred to recovering, and that's why when I wrote my book, Callie The Recovering People Pleaser, my publisher wanted me to change it to recovered. And I and I sat with it and I understood why. She was like, recovered, it's like what you're aiming for. That's what you want on your book title. And she publishes tons of books. And she's a great title writer, but I thought, no. I said, recovering. I, you know, I might be 99, but I'm still not full. And I still notice myself doing things sometimes that are in that arena. They're not detrimental to me like they used to be.

Speaker 5: 54:29

Yeah.

Kristen : 54:30

But I like having that space that I'm still learning and I'm still I like that. I like that.

Callie: 54:37

We're evolving, you know, we haven't fully arrived. And I think others can connect with people better when they're still on that same journey. They may be further along, but they're not like, okay, I got my stuff together, it's all good. It's like, no, you know, I've I've I've learned some things and I can teach some things, and I can, you know, I still have things that I can learn.

Kristen : 54:59

And it's real and it's authentic. You know, it's it's and I think that's what people connect to is the authenticity, the story, the realness of it, because we're all going through this stuff. And the more the the faster we realize we're not alone. Yes, that that's a huge part of this for me, is like we're all doing, we're all messy little, I call us teeny tiny baby humans. We're like little toddlers toddlering around trying to figure this stuff out. And knowing that everybody else is teeny tiny little toddlers trying to figure this stuff out too, I feel like that takes a large part of I'm in I'm fatally flawed. It kind of takes that away when we realize we're all imperfect and we're all trying to get better.

Callie: 55:45

Absolutely, absolutely. Well, thank you again. Keep doing what you're doing, and I look forward to jumping on other calls in the future.

Kristen : 55:54

Well, Collie, I'm so glad you're here. What an honor to have you. Two things. You're gonna be getting 200 vibes for being your first time up on my stage. And second, I absolutely love your profile picture. Oh it's so pretty. I love the butterfly, it's awesome.

Callie: 56:10

I appreciate that. All right, have a blessed new year.

Kristen : 56:13

Okay, you too. Bye, Collie. So good to meet you. By the way, I love her name, Collie. That is so pretty. That is so cute. You're welcome. Okay, you can it, Kolly, you can hit the leave button at the bottom that keeps you in the talk but drops you off the stage.

Callie: 56:29

Awesome. Thank you.

Kristen : 56:30

You're welcome. Thanks for coming. I look forward to hearing you on other people's stages as well. All right, you guys, this has been a just amazing conversation with all the input so far that we have received from everybody. It's you know, oh gosh, this is what makes these talks so robust and so impactful. Yes, it's uh partly because of the what I deliver as a teacher and holding the rooms, but it's other part largely due to the contributions from you all that are coming up and talking about your real-time healing, your real-time experiences, you know, me sharing my healing, my experiences. And this is why we connect. This is why this platform to me is above par and it is by far the best social platform out in the world today. So, welcome, welcome, thank you to Mr. Julie.

Julie: 57:24

Thank you for giving me the image of a playground, a nursery, with lots of toddlers in it finding about the world. Some of them will you in the eye, some of them will know what being poked in the eye is feels like. Such fun, isn't it?

Kristen : 57:47

Well, we can.

Julie: 57:49

Yeah, I um I think it's great. That's a great image. It's really put a smile on my face. I was uh thinking about Cece and something that she said, she was given a lot of um knowing that what her boundaries are and things, but I think one of the things that really helped her with boundaries is following her intuition, following that feeling that you get, you know, and when you think something is not sitting right with you, it's time to let that go. And I think that's really good. Also, the other point to make about boundaries is it means then that you are not manipulated by other people and situations or things that they say or emotional kind of requests or duty and things like that. This is great. Having boundaries within that is just so good, and you know, it's like what I do in my job, right? I do pet sitting. Now, out there in the world, there are thousands of pet sitters who are willing to teach people how to treat them. In other words, they will do things for free because that's what they want. Now, I want to do pet sitting for remuneration because that supports me doubly. A, I've got somewhere to go and an experience to have, and and you know, that's wonderful, but also I know that I need to be able to eat, I need to be able to support getting travel from place to place. So I asked for remuneration, and I'm just I haven't, you know, I was at one point kind of saying, Well, I know there's so many out there that'll offer it for free, I'll have to offer it for free. But my boundary was do I want to be comfortable? Do I want to be uh in tip top condition to offer that service? Yes, I do. So, what are my boundaries then? My boundaries are this is a Transactional service. Absolutely pay for my integrity. And that's that's the boundary. If you're not willing to pay for that, then you don't get to experience that service.

Kristen : 1:00:15

End of story. Is it commonplace that people pet sit for free in the UK? Because here, you know, you can get a friend or family member to do it, otherwise you're paying for the pet sitter.

Julie: 1:00:26

Yeah, no, but they uh they they feel in this country, the UK, especially, and also in Europe quite a lot too, that that you're being paid by having accommodation. Oh, gotcha, okay. And that for me, no. I'm caring for your home. Yep.

Kristen : 1:00:48

Because it's not just bed sitting, it's house sitting.

Julie: 1:00:52

Yes. Within your home, I'm abiding by the rules that you've set out.

Kristen : 1:00:56

Yep. It's a service.

Julie: 1:00:59

Yes. This is a thing, it's not a holiday, it is a service. And there you go. That's why setting those boundaries are important because it tells people how to treat me, it tells people how to respect my idea of alternative living. That's what it does.

Kristen : 1:01:22

And you know what? You're not at any loss for jobs. I mean, there's one, they creep up all the time, don't they?

Julie: 1:01:29

Yeah. Yeah, they they are good. I'm very blessed. I um because of really the services that I've given, word of mouth is um supplying more more uh sits, yeah, more places to be. Word of mouth. It's because somebody has paid for that, they are happy with the service, they're happy with the price of that service and they recommend to other people.

Kristen : 1:02:03

I want to tell you something, Julie. I would hands down rather pay for somebody who does this as a service than just some rando that wants to stay in my house. My pets mean that much to me.

Julie: 1:02:15

Correct. Exactly. You're paying for peace of mind because it's a business.

Kristen : 1:02:22

That's it right there, Julie. Thank you so much. Yes, that was awesome. Love that, love that. Oh my gosh. It's so interesting. I'd love to see how things go from country to country, like and how how the different cultures are. Welcome, cool beans. No? Okay, cool beans. I've got the uh-oh from you. Let's see if we can bring you up again, Cool Beans. Can you click that join button once again? And we will bring you up. Maybe not, maybe got a phone call or something like that. Of course, if anybody else wants to join, now's the time to do so. We will talk a little bit more regarding this subject, but I am going to pick it up again for a part two tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of this, which I believe a lot of you did, because I was really far in before people started to pick up that I was on live. Um, I recommend that you go back through the beginning and listen to the beginning of this because I do read an excerpt out of my chapter seven, I believe, of the recovering people pleaser regarding boundaries. Um, I'm just going to recommend this book to any of you who are recovering people pleaser because this is also about resetting your self-worth foundation that is contributing to the lack of boundaries. So, like I said earlier in the read, both things can work congruently together. Welcome, brother.

Cool Beans: 1:03:43

Hey, how are you? Good morning.

Kristen : 1:03:46

Thank you. Good morning.

Cool Beans: 1:03:48

I I find it very interesting with all of the boundaries. And, you know, for a lot of the conversations that you and I have gone through and through books, I kind of have never really related people, how they think of me, where they think, you know, and where they are in their world, even though you get these bits and pieces of intuition when you see them in their own world. And recently I'd been reaching out to a friend that I hadn't talked to much in the last six months, year. He stopped and he's like, Well, you know, you're a fair weather friend, you know, is as soon as you got into a relationship, you dropped us. And I'm like, Well, hold on a minute, you know, and and I approached him and in, you know, two or three times. And this is what he finally came out with. And I'm like, you know, that that's that's that's really interesting. Did you ever actually stop and think to check in on, you know, I've reached out a few times to go throw and to hang out and stuff, and you know, can't turn down or whatever. And I'm like, in the last year, you've only reached out twice. And then in those areas of blankness, did you ever like spend a little bit of time to reach out and say, dude, are you okay? And you know, it takes you back to the whole thing of like, you know, the you know, outside judgment and interpretation and people filling in their own blanks for where they are. I've got friends I haven't talked to in 10 years, and I reach out, man, they pick up the phone, talk to me all night long, and and and they stand there and they're there for you. So, you know, it was really wild. And and so when I approached him, he's like, Well, this is the way it is. And I'm like, Wow, I'm I'm sorry you weren't willing more willing to talk to me. I'm sorry you weren't willing to like reach out, but hey, thank you for letting me know who you are and where you are, you know, and in that it's like, you know, it's it's kind of a I don't I don't know if you call that a backside boundary or not, but it's like, yeah, that's okay. Be whom you are, and I accept that. Thank you, because I know how I I know how much I should or should not ever stand up on the other side.

Kristen : 1:06:03

Right. You know? Cool beans. Let me clarify this real quick. What you're saying is that this person, what you've reached out to this person a couple of times, and they're like, You're a fair weather friend because you got in a relationship and you kind of bailed on us. Where the truth is you have reached out to this person several times and they've not responded or they didn't go do the thing. But yet they themselves had not reached out to you but once in the past year. So you were still doing more of the reaching out. Am I correct with all this? Oh, yeah, about five to one. So okay. So here's what's interesting. Yeah, this is what's interesting is how that was so twisted in their head, and all you're found, you're the bad guy for what? You're the one who's reached out more.

Cool Beans: 1:06:48

Yeah. And you know, and it and it's really funny because like when I've crossed paths and seen them, I'm like, hey man, you're right. Yeah, you know, and it's a cold shoulder, you know, it ghosting in person type of thing. Reach out again, dude. Are you okay? We okay? Yeah, yeah. All right, and and I sit back and it's like, there's an interpretation of something going on over there, and it's all created in their own world. And then it's kind of cool because at the same time, we get to like reflect inward and think on our own place. Do we, you know, where do I do this? Where have I ever like you know, created my own interpretation of uh a relationship or situation? You know, what do I get to do with that? How do I get to see this? And that's that's been a really cool thing. It's like, dude, what a great lesson. Thank you.

Kristen : 1:07:43

That is so amazing. That is so healthy, that is such an empowered thing to do, everyone, is when you're like watching somebody else's behavior and realize how wonky it is, and then saying, Do I do that? That's that's where growth lies. There's so much that we can learn about ourselves by observing other people.

Cool Beans: 1:08:02

Is there, I don't know that I have a boundary with this person, you know, other than okay, I I my door is not as open to you anymore.

Kristen : 1:08:11

That's right. It's not it's not literally a boundary. You can come back, cool beans, if you want to. There's no one in the queue. Yeah, if you've got time, you can pop back up again. Right. And sometimes it's not, you know, in this particular case, when it actually comes to talking about boundaries, we are talking about how to teach people how to treat us. But in this vein, kind of as a sidebar, a subtopic, there is that thing where we're learning more about some people in our lives, and we may choose to put less effort towards them because what it is that we're learning. So this might be kind of just a little internal boundary for oneself about protecting our energy and not expending it places where it's not going to be valued or appreciated.

Cool Beans: 1:08:56

Very much. Very much. It, you know, it's something that I've been dwelling on for a few days, kind of like trying to figure the whole thing out. And in my intuition about seeing, you know, about listening to the person with others, I'm like, hmm, this seems very one-sided about your interpretation about what's going on there. Very one-sided about what's going on over here, you know. And I know this person is doing the best they know how to do, you know, because I we all are, but it it it's also kind of like, man, because I am I'm a I'm a real giver. And it's like, this is not a place that I have to step up and try to fix. You know, and it's like, okay, be and I honestly walk in away, it was like, hey, thank you for letting me know who you are and where you are with all this. Cool, man. So to me, that's kind of my boundary. Like, hey, I'm not gonna let you get me down on this. You know, thank you. You know, thank you for speaking an honest truth and on your feelings.

Kristen : 1:09:58

Cool. Did you say that to that? Did you say that to the person, or is that something you just said internally?

Cool Beans: 1:10:03

No, I said it, I said it out loud to him. I'm like, oh, you know, yeah. Well, thank you for letting me know, you know, who you are and where where you are with you know with a friendship. And uh again, it's just like there's people that I haven't seen in years. And when they reach out, it's like, oh yeah, let's let's let's try to get together. Or I'm busy. No one's taking it personally. Your friends aren't taking you living your life personally, and I think that's you know, very really important lessons wherever you go. You know, hey, I understand yes, everybody has got their own things going on in their world.

Kristen : 1:10:42

And sometimes it's easier to get together with people than it is at other times in our lives for whatever is going on. Sure, absolutely.

Cool Beans: 1:10:51

But kind of a kind of a cool little cool little ride in there, and um, you know, in another area of uh boundary, as you know, with my ex, I've set a boundary that's like, hey, I deal and work together with the kids, but our personal lives is keep those separate. I don't need to mingle in personal lives and things at all. Um, you know, healing from past traumas and stuff. And while my while the kids are here, the one has gotten sick after another after another, and all four of them have now had like 24-hour stomach flu, norovirus thing. Oh no. And with yeah, with cars in the car's gotta go in the shop, and there's a breakdown, and there's all these things going on. And I reached out to my ex and said, Hey, do you mind helping me get this other car into the shop and getting it back? And I get a nope, no problem at all. What, you know, what do you need? I need you to drive. Well, my very sick daughter is like, nope, nope, keeping you two apart. And I'm over here with my sick daughter in the car now because she's not going to allow me to do that. And I'm like, you know, the whole purpose of this is so I don't get sick from you, too. It's like, okay. You know, and at the same time, she's trying to balance herself, family, sick family, and separated parents while she's on vacation. That just feels so bad for the young lady. But it was kind of cool to see that my boundary with uh the separation of things worked out just fine in the B.

Kristen : 1:12:22

That's one of the things you've done recently. If you can hear me, you're kind of getting robotic. But um, when you told me that you were you wanted to have a clear delineation between the topics that could be discussed with you and your former person. And I just remember when you told me that, I was like, that is so powerful because it's not saying I hate you, you suck. I don't, we don't want to communicate, just means this is off limits, and that's a boundary, that's a clear boundary.

Cool Beans: 1:12:50

Then and the boundary feels good, and for that boundary with that person, I wish you the best. I wish you healing. And I am not mad. It's right, you know, this is my world, and I'm not gonna allow you to manipulate it with any personal pieces. So and that's that's felt pretty good. And you know, I'm hoping these little bits and pieces of dealing with the kids will bring that character to their mind, and maybe they get to learn something from it too.

Kristen : 1:13:23

Maybe we can hope and some and pray. Thanks for coming up, cool beans. You know what I love that he said? He said, I'm not mad. I'm not mad. And this is so important because sometimes I set boundaries with people, and it's not because I'm mad, it's because this doesn't work for me. It's like that's not okay. And what's it what's so interesting is the more healed that I become, the more boundaried that I am, the more that I love myself, the less dent, like um heightened emotions I feel. I guess that's a better way to say it. I don't have these spikes in emotions anymore. So it's like somebody does, you know, something that's not cool or whatever, and I kind of have that, mm-hmm, like what? Excuse me? Like, what is that? And when I set, I remember when I've set boundaries with a person in my life, that person would always say to me, Why do you hate me? And of course it was a young person at the time, okay, why do you hate me? And I was like, Oh, this is not has anything to do with hate. This has to do with love. I love me and I love you. I'm setting this boundary out of love. But because they have felt so badly about themselves, when the boundary came, they thought there was something wrong with them. So they projected that onto me. It's like, no, that's not what's happening here. So what I love when Cool Bean said, I'm not mad. It's so important to understand we don't have to get angry to set and maintain a healthy boundary. And at first, we kind of do that, that sort is the way that it works out because that anger is alerting us. So please know that you're not wrong if you're feeling like I'm so angry, because oftentimes that anger, that resentment, whatever it might be going on within us, that happens through the thing repeating itself a couple of times. And it starts to build up inside of us because we haven't addressed it. Okay. So we're going to feel those emotions in first. Remember, emotions are indicators, emotions are guideposts, that's all they are. So, but eventually, once we have this practice in place and our inner world is more peaceful and we know our value, truly know our value, then it's like we we just realize the blip on the screen, we could feel it. We're like, mm, no. We address it more readily, more quickly, more effectively, and we move on. So we don't have these dramatic highs and lows like we may have when we were acting from a disempowered space. So for anybody who's like, oh, I get upset, I, you know, I'm gonna absolutely without question, I did too. But over time, because I started to address things more quickly, didn't let them fester, and combined with removing myself, if I got like unhealthy pushback for a boundary, I just removed myself. Like we talked about earlier. I can't remember who was on, where I was just like, I don't, I don't stay in those conversations anymore. I used to have to try to convince. Trying to convince someone that their behavior is unhealthy. And I'm not talking about small things, I'm talking about like things that are like any psychologist, actually, probably any human, not any, any aware human on the planet would say, Yeah, that's not okay. And then having somebody try to talk me out of that, right? I I or me believing, oh, they just don't get it. So let me explain it a little bit more for the 8,642 time. Maybe this time they're gonna get it. I stopped doing that. I don't need to convince anybody that their behavior is disrespectful or dishonoring. I know that it is, I feel it. I would not treat somebody that way, and that's all I need to know. So I stopped trying to do the convincing. Again, setting you guys up to win, I want to say it's gonna take practice. And you need to give yourself grace in this process. Okay, this is a journey here. That's all it is. It's a journey. So we want to get there, you know, that proverbial quote unquote there. We want to get there so quickly that we can beat ourselves up along the way. This is one of those, um, you guys know I talk about the beanbag of truth, the floor bag, the floor bag that you sit in. Okay, so what is a what is it? You it when I talk about the beanbag, I'm talking about the floor bag, the kinds that you sit in. When you nestle into the bean bag of truth, and the truth being that these things take time, when you really embrace that and allow that to be part of your psyche, of your understanding of life, that takes off so much pressure. It takes off so much self-judgment. It it really even helps you to be more less judging of other people. Because I've I have, you know, on this journey, I give people grace for that space. I absolutely do. But I've had other people in my life that are looking for people to change right now. I've said it, they need to change right now. This is an unpacking, this is a dismantling, this is a journey, and it takes a minute. That doesn't mean we put up with ish. That's not what this means whatsoever, but we allow for that because it's the truth. And we will we will reach that goal if we stay on track and keep aiming for it. I also wanted to alert you that I do have a piece of merch that is titled, Don't Mistake My Kindness for Weakness. It's such a powerful piece. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. That means I am kind to you all day long, but I will set and maintain healthy boundaries with you whenever I need to. Okay, that's a beautiful piece of merch I have over there on the store. I really like that creation, by the way. Also, peace, love, and boundaries. Remember, that was a powerful talk I gave some time ago. And this means peace. I'm staying in peace, all peace and love, right? Hippie peace and love and boundaries. Same thing as don't mistake my kindness for weakness, weakness. Both of those pieces are available over at my merch store. If you tap on my profile picture here, that will take you to my profile where you click my link tree, and that will take you to my link tree, and I believe it's at the top, and you can scroll through and check out all the little pieces of merch that I have over there, all the creations. I create them all myself, you guys. And if there's anything that you ever want in a different piece of merch, just let me know. Just send me a message here, or you can email me directly at hello at kristenbrown.org. I'm getting a beautiful back channel uh message from somebody. I'll keep your name quiet. Thank you. You are a blessing to me. I can't thank you enough. And you, my dear, are so, so, so welcome. I'm glad that you're enjoying my content. I do deliver from my heart. I do because I care. And oh, I can say your name. Okay, it's Tiffany Sabren. Thank you, Tiffany. You didn't I like for people to um say whether I can say their names or not, but thank you, Tiffany. I appreciate that so much. Check out the merch, guys. Go check out all my free resources. Get the book, The Recovering People Pleaser. Oh my gosh, you can change your life in ways that are undescribable when you reclaim your personal power through resetting your foundation of self-worth. This is where it's at. This is where the rubber hits the road. This is when we make miraculous changes on our inside that actually affect our outer world in the most profound and beautiful way. So keep up the good work. I love you guys, and I will see you tomorrow at 12 11 52 Eastern, 8 52 Pacific. See you guys tomorrow. Much love, everybody.