Boundaries: Teach People How to Treat You (Part Two)

In this episode, we continue the conversation on boundaries—but with a twist. This time, we’re talking about what happens after you set the boundary. Specifically, how to give grace to the person on the receiving end as they break their own habits, expectations, and patterns. Growth can be uncomfortable—for everyone involved. So how do you stay firm in your truth while holding space for someone else’s adjustment period? That’s what we’re diving into today. Boundaries aren’t just about protection—they’re about creating space for healthier connection, too.

For FREE Resources, KB's Self-Love Merch Shop, Book link, Coaching and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen: 0:00

Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Empower Hour with KB. I am your host, Kristen Brown, and I am an intuitive healer, coach, mentor, and speaker who specializes in helping individuals reclaim their true worth and embrace their personal power. I started part one reading some excerpts out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, which you can find on 40,000 bookselling sites, all major sites out there. Also on Amazon, you can click on my profile picture here, go to my link tree, and you'll find it over there. Also, it's on my website. There'll be links on my website as well, kristenbrown.org. I decided that there's so much more to talk about with this because boundaries are, they can be very challenging for some people. I understand this. I understand this on a level that many people don't, because a lot of people are out there in the world saying, just set a boundary, just set a boundary, just set a boundary. And some people, first of all, will shake in their boots. They even thought of setting a boundary, and other people might be great at setting boundaries, and this could just be a reminder for them. But no matter where you're at on the spectrum with this, it is so serving to get a little refresher on boundaries, especially if you're somebody who knows you need to set them, but you're just not quite there yet, or you really don't know how. Love, which is the purest energy that is always, without question, for the highest good of all concerned. Where love is present, it is for the highest good of all concerned. And setting boundaries is self-love. It is my first self-love tenant, well, second self-love tenant, respect and protect self. And that embodies boundaries. Now, again, my self-love tenants are not in any particular order. I do have them numbered, but they all work congruently together to help heal our inner world. So please know that when you set a healthy boundary with somebody, it is for their highest good too, because you are actually calling them higher. Not you literally, but by shining light on somebody's behaviors that are not so favorable, they are getting an opportunity to look at themselves. And I remember somebody in my life, this was in my 30s, was setting boundaries with this person. And this person literally said to me, they were probably 30 at that time, 32, I don't know exactly. They said, quote unquote, you are the first person who has ever been strong enough to call me out. That is what this person said. So at 32 years old, this person had never been called out on their disrespectful, painful, hurtful, abusive type behaviors. And here I was the first person that did it. That relationship didn't last because that person wasn't in a place to hear that, to receive that, and to really understand that. But, you know, in hindsight, knowing what I know now, they got it. They got what I was saying. But they were so used to their old method of operation that they weren't willing to look at themselves and to grow. And that's something that can happen on this boundary path because some people, it depends who we have attracted into our life. If we've attracted into our life the narcissistic type people, the takers, those the selfish ones, they may not be willing to change up who they are to start their inner healing journey to keep us in their lives. But that is no reflection on you. It is no reflection on me. This is just where they are at on their journey. And that's something that can really trip us up initially because we think, well, especially if you're a recovering people pleaser, you're used to heating people's boundaries, you're used to going within, you're used to looking at yourself. And you'll be, you're willing, most people pleasers are, are willing to change up themselves for somebody else. But that does not mean that there's everybody else in the world is willing to do the same because we don't know where they're at on their journey. And that is okay. So it's important that we don't take it personally when somebody goes, nope, forget you, I'm out of here. Or they shift, you know, blame shift, they turn it around on you, they try to make you the bad guy, they tell you you're crazy, they tell you you're too sensitive, they tell you all these things, trying to get you to fall from your boundary. But when you don't, they may leave. And that is a blessing. And that is something that we need to really hold dear to our heart. The people that leave our lives are the ones that are not meant to be there. They were there to teach us a lesson, and maybe that lesson was to get stronger and empowered within self so that you could start setting boundaries. I know a lot of us don't like when people leave. We immediately turn that inward. We think it's about ourselves. We think it means that we're bad or we're wrong. And I remember feeling that way so many times, especially when I first started setting boundaries in my 20s. And I didn't even know the word boundary back in the day. I was just, you know, calling people out on their behavior. And I remember getting turned around on me and me just sinking, just feeling so defeated, like, oh, I'm a bad person, because I got pushback. And that's one of the topics that I'm going to talk about today on today's talk. And of course, you guys are welcome to join it anytime. I do want to read some excerpts out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, because I just feel like I summed it up so well in those books. I'm not one who reads books on here, but because it is my words, I wrote them and I teach them. I figured it would be serving to have it really summed up in a way, you know, because when you write a book, you I at least wanted to sum things up on a way that people could really understand, that they could really absorb. So I'm going to be reading some excerpts out of my book. Let me put my phone down and grab my book here. Try not to make too much noise here. Like I mentioned, a firm well-set boundary will give the other person the opportunity to discover and heal the disowned aspects of themselves because they're acting the way they're acting based on their traumas and dramas as experiences, exactly the same way that you and I are acting from that same place until we heal those places. So, in that time, like I said, some people or at some point we might receive pushback or we're gonna feel weak and tempted to renege on our boundaries. If anybody can relate to that, I would love if you send me up some claps, send me up some emojis. If you're someone who has reneged on your boundaries, you said it, thank you, Michelle. We have a one brave soul here. Oh, here we go. Yep, Michelle's going. That you have um tempted to, here we go. Yep, Deb to tempted to renege on your boundaries because you got the pushback and you started to question yourself and you started to wonder, is this me? Am I wrong? Well, let me tell you something. When that notion comes up inside of us, everyone, that we need to set a boundary, believe it. Believe it. Especially if you are a recovering people pleaser, because we're so apt to ignore, deny, push away, make excuses for other people's behaviors. Thank you, Lisa. Lisa said yes on boundaries as well. So we're so used to doing that that no, wait a minute, where was I at with this? Oh, we're so used to to making those type of excuses for other people. We we're kind of in the habit, let's call it a habit of reneging on our boundaries. Because I don't know about you all, and let me know in claps or back channel if um this if you relate to this as well. But oh no, hold on a minute, let me get to where I'm thinking. Uh what was I saying? I'm forgetting what I'm saying because I'm I'm trying to do 20 things at once here. Let me just I'm gonna stop reading back channels, I'm gonna stop looking at claps, I'm gonna focus on what I'm doing here. Okay, so when this is real Kristen Brown in real time, uh, you'll see this in my personal life too. I'll be like, what was I talking about? Uh could be could be post-menopause. So, what I have learned in this whole journey is that this was all about me, this was all about my growth, and this was all about loving myself in the best possible way. And when I set course, excuse me, to do that, I knew that I had to get really real with this. And I worked with myself. I was very careful and intentional with what was happening. So when those places came up inside of me where I was like, oh, this doesn't feel right to me, I need to set a boundary, it didn't mean that I was great with it right out of the gate. I wasn't. I would speak up, I would set my boundary oftentimes because people in my life, and likely in your life as well, are so used to getting away with all the ish with you that they're not gonna like this. They're gonna feel disgruntled, they're gonna be like, wait a minute, this isn't okay because I'm used to you doing these things. And please know that they're unconscious, even the people that love us the most can do this. There's people in my life that I love unconditionally and they love me unconditionally, and I've had that experience with them. But I gave them grace on that, and I'm gonna read that part of this chapter too, because that's a really, really important thing to understand on this journey. So when we are tempted to renege on our boundary, I wrote in my book a bunch of self-affirming statements that we can utilize. And this is one of the reasons why I really implore you all to get this book if you're someone who's recovering from people pleasing, because this stuff will be at your fingertips. All right. So here's a couple of those statements. Others' denial or deflection does not mean my boundary is wrong. These are self-affirming statements. Others' denial or deflection does not mean my boundary is wrong. The next one, I cannot control other people's behaviors. I can only control my own. Super important too. We can't control the way people are going to respond or react. Remember, as people pleasers, we've been trying to control how people respond and react by overgiving, make having denial, making excuses for their behaviors, saying it's not that bad. I remember a story where one of my friends had a boyfriend who yelled a lot, or I'm sorry, it was her husband. And he yelled a lot. And I said to her, like, is that okay with you? And I just heard one excuse after the other come out of her mouth. And I dropped it because she was not in that position. She didn't ask for my input. And I learned somewhere on my journey to not insert myself where I was not invited. But she was like, Oh, you know, my dad used to yell and so-and-so this and blah, blah, blah, blah. And and I knew that it bothered her because it really bothers all of us, right? But she is such a people pleaser, and some who did not want to lose the relationship. So she made excuses for it. So this is why these statements are so important. Okay, the next one. I am not responsible for other people's feelings or lives. They are responsible for their own. This is huge. Keep our responsibility where it is, and that is with ourselves. So my responsibility was to take care of me. It was to take care of Kristen. It was to secure little Kristen inside of me that it had all kinds of awful people or people doing awful things to her. I had made a vow to myself that I was going to take care of her, and I did. I'm going to tell you guys something that was very interesting is it wasn't as hard as I thought. And I think, I believe, that that's because I had really started my self-love practices, really healing that inner world inside of me. And when I started to feel better about myself, automatically, when other people did things, I could feel the ick. I was like, eh, no, that's that's not a way that you get to treat me or talk to me. I could feel the ick. Where before, because I wasn't treating myself well, there was not really a disconnect between the two. So when I really started to treat myself well, it started to stand out more really flaggy to me rather than just like uh just you know, status quo, same thing over and over again. I started to feel it differently in my body, and that was my cue to set a boundary with this person. Okay, the next one, biggie, short sentence, but very big. I am worthy of respect and honor. You can add to that. I'm worthy of respect and honor and kindness and gentleness and tenderness. You are worthy of that. You are worthy of that. We all are worthy of that. We were born worthy, everyone. We just forgot that we were born worthy. So this is returning back to that self, that self that we came here with, that unconditional love of self that we came here with. The next one, my time is valuable, I get to choose the best use of my time. Period. My time is valuable, I get to choose the best use of my time. The next one, my job is to take care of myself first so I can take great care of others. When we're thinking about all the aspects of self-love, especially when it comes to self-care, that's about taking care of self first. That's about putting ourselves to sleep. That's about saying no to functions. That's about being really intentional with our yeses and our no's. That's about not taking on too much. That's about releasing the fear. Hear me, hear me, hear me. Releasing the fear that others aren't going to like me. We can't control whether others like us or not. The cool thing about me setting boundaries is that the people in my life, when I was setting boundaries earlier, when I had attracted people from a lower level of self-worth, when I'd attracted people from that energetic vibration, when I started to heal and up level myself, they left. Why? Because they didn't want to be around that light. They didn't want that light shining on their darkened spaces. But the people who loved me, who were willing to grow, who wanted to treat me well, they upleveled. And I'm in a position in my life right now, which, oh my gosh, finally, right? And I don't say that sarcastically, you know, that at this age, I am surrounded by people who treat me with respect and love. That doesn't mean every relationship is perfect. They never are. We are all like shifting, morphing, evolving organisms. And we have all kinds of things that come up in our lives. And when we start to stretch and grow a little bit and try to reach into new spaces and to call better into our lives, then that will reveal, you know, some hidden beliefs and some of the wounding that we have. So we're always healing, growing, shifting, like things are coming up for us. So it doesn't mean that all relationships are going to be perfect all the time because things are coming up for your people too. Everybody has an inner world. It's so serving to understand that our people have their own inner worlds too. Sometimes we're so, what's the word looking for? We're so focused on our own inner world that we forget that other people have theirs as well. So that can help us to have compassion and understanding. It is 100% acceptable to support my needs and desires. Not 99, not 50%, 100% acceptable to support my needs and desires. These are all self-affirming statements that we can say and repeat in our heads or write them down. We can, do you guys remember back in the day when sometimes when people got in trouble, they had to write a sentence a thousand times or something like that? And it's interesting because they were really trying to get that person to let that sink in. Well, it's the same thing here. You can write these statements out. Like if you're really struggling, grab a pad of paper, sit down, and write down, I am happier and more balanced when I take care of myself, or anything else. Remind yourself, change the programming in your head. Start those neural pathways, neural or um, firing and wiring in a different direction. Be willing to remind yourself of these things. And the last one, but not limited to, you guys can pick your own, and that's what's so important here. The last one is taking care of myself is a gift to me and those around me. Taking care of myself is a gift to me and those around me. Again, this is these are self-affirming statements that I've written in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. They're on 141 and 142 pages. Here's the scoop. Most often we need to set boundaries with those we love and who love us the most. Although it's new to us and may feel awkward at first, it's important to know that your loved ones don't want to lose you either. Many people aren't willing to look at their behaviors until they have a good reason to do so. Your boundary could be that reason. Be brave, be consistent, don't give up because you receive pushback. Stay focused on respecting and honoring yourself and allow others to make the necessary corrections to do the same. Okay, next subtitle Action Boundaries When Words Aren't Working. And I have a quote, I have quotes all throughout my book, and I actually shared a quote of my own on this one. And it says, if they don't believe what we say, they will have to believe what we do. And this is action boundaries. As mentioned earlier, I was like The impression that boundaries were one and done. I thought others would conform to treating me better if I simply asked. That was not the case at all. I began to realize that it wasn't only my words that mattered, but my actions as well. I learned the long way that if my spoken requests weren't working, I needed to follow up with action. I call these action boundaries. A while back, a person in my life was chronically negative. I'm not blind to the chaos of the world, but I don't spend a lot of time focusing on it. Not only was this person negative, but their tone and volume were unpleasant to listen to. I tried many times to bring something positive to the conversations or change a subject. It didn't work. I tried telling them I like seeing the good in the world, not wallowing in the ugly. That didn't work. I told them with calm assertiveness that I wasn't going to participate in these low vibe, low vibration conversations anymore. And that didn't work. Each time I tried setting a boundary, they'd get upset with me and say I was selfish for not listening to them. I explained that I enjoy talking to them, but it's my responsibility to protect my energy. And these conversations were low vibe and draining. Still nothing changed. Knowing I can only control my part of the equation, I told them I was going to remove myself the next time they were on a negative rampage. I had to excuse myself from approximately 10 conversations before they got the message and stopped plopping their doo-doo on my doorstep. But here's the best part. That person eventually stopped focusing on all that's wrong with the world and morphed into a more positive and appreciative person. Not only did our relationship become more peaceful, but they became one of my favorite people to hang out with. My healthy boundary became a catalyst for their positive change. In this story, it's clear that words were not working. It wasn't until I removed myself from the situation that they finally got it. That's what action boundaries can do for us. Many times people won't connect with our words, but they'll connect with our actions. The key is to be willing to do whatever it takes to respect and protect yourself, even if that means removing yourself from their proximity. And this is important, the calmer and more assertive we are, the better they'll respond. I remember many times sharing my feelings with my first husband regarding his disrespectful and dishonor towards me to no avail. I figured I wasn't clear enough. So I talk and talk and talk until I was blue in the face. I tried everything, crying, begging, pleading, threatening, and nothing changed. It was maddening to me that no matter how upset I was, he didn't seem to care. In hindsight, but without regret, I see how I could have handled it differently. I say without regret because I believe everything in life is purposeful and it's not serving our highest good to regret what we didn't know how to do. What I didn't realize is no matter how shitty he was to me, he still got the whole of me. This wasn't only true for him, but for all my past relationships. I never changed my behavior in response to their behavior with an action that the person couldn't ignore or deny what was happening. This action may have promoted them feeling the loss of my energy and therefore be willing to do whatever it took to get them back. Many times we try using threats as a means of getting someone to treat us better. In my experience, threats never worked. Not once. They might have scared someone for a minute, but when I failed to follow through, they stopped fearing them. What got the best results was performing an action I knew I could follow through with. That's operative here, you guys. By repeating that action, which was which usually involved removing my energy from them in some capacity, they realized they couldn't have me under the conditions they were posing. If respect, honor, and kindness aren't part of the equation, I pull myself out of it until further notice. Appropriate action boundaries are specific to each situation. I can't begin to list all the ways to apply an action boundary. However, it might help to ask yourself some questions to decide the best action to choose. Here's a couple of questions. What does this person love getting from me? Time, attention? What do they expect from me? To always be there or put them first? Where would they feel the loss of my present/slash energy the most? Find a way to pull your energy back from them so they can get a glimpse of not having the entirety of you. Then follow through with that action until you see true ownership or a willingness to make a change. I implore you not to think of this as manipulation. Manipulation is schemed control rooted in selfishness. Action boundaries are rooted in self-respect. Think of it as removing a privilege from someone who's abusing or exploiting it. Your presence and attention are another person's privilege. Let me say that again. Your presence and attention are another person's privilege. If they refuse to treat you respectfully, they don't get the whole of you. Speak up sooner. That's the next subtitle. Oh, this is great. It's like starts off with a quote from John Mayer. You guys ready? You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again. All right, I will set a pause there because I got some of my whoops, dropping my bookmark. Hold on. Some of my beloveds have joined the queue. So let's go ahead and bring up Lois Hampson. Welcome, Lois. Thank you so much for joining me today. We are talking about boundaries, my beloved sister.

Loyce: 26:12

Hey, my sister, I love this. I just love I love I love hearing you read your book. I read it, but I love hearing you read it. I think you need to do an audio book.

Kristen: 26:24

I know I do. I just don't know how to do it. I've looked at I looked into it and I have no clue how to do it. Because I'm loving hearing you read your words.

Loyce: 26:33

That's awesome. Thank you. Because you you stop at certain parts for articulation and for and for reflection and clarity, so that you so when you stop, you let us know that this is very important. And I said and I said it like that for a reason. Important. Because we want to import that stuff into us at that point. Yes. You know, so so the thing is, yes, you girlfriend, uh, I I need to hear you read your book. And like I said, I read it and I've highlighted things and all that other kind of good stuff. But like like right now, while the book is in storage with all my other stuff, it would be nice to go and just listen. You know, especially after hearing you read it. Because I bought it digitally, I bought it digitally and in paperback, but I would buy an all the audio pile too. But yes, I agree with boundaries, and our boundaries treat others, teach others how to treat us. And if we don't have no boundaries, we get treated any old type of way. Okay. Because I didn't have them for a long time because they were non-existent in my household growing up, and I didn't know them. And the only boundaries I had when I was a child was don't talk to strangers, don't get in the car with strangers, don't, you know what I'm saying? It was all those don't, don't, don't, don't do this, don't talk back. They they were giving me their boundaries for me.

Kristen: 27:57

But but it was never it was never respect yourself, don't put up with that clap, leave, walk away. You know, it was never that. I didn't have that.

Loyce: 28:06

Well, that's part of the program. That's part, that's part of marriage, is what I was told when the violence started. And I was like, uh, okay. And then I started seeing my friend's mother's parents' marriage, and I started asking questions. And he ain't never put a hand on her, and I'm like, but he loves her, so he wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody ain't like this, and so it was a lot of questioning, but our boundaries do teach us how how teach others, and they teach us, it teach us how to have self-respect by saying no, okay. And for me, it like I said, I like to do practical stuff to help people in the beginning. Anytime anybody asked me anything, even if I wanted to do it, I went on a note streak. I just I wanted to do, I wanted to help, I wanted to go, but I would say no just because I needed to see how they would react. And I learned this, it's a Beyoncé song that was out. Just because I said no, don't even mean never means that I never said yes. Okay, because as soon as I said yes, oh my god, they flipped and I mean, as soon as I said no, they flipped and changed on me as if I had never said yes to them, and then let me weed out a whole bunch of people with those boundaries. So I started saying no to air, I'm gonna say it's just like my my cousin, Earbody. I said no to everybody noise. That's what he told me he did. He said I said I had to because he was a yes man. Yes man, everything, yeah. Um okay, he was wearing his stuff out, moving furniture, wearing himself out, and then he said he just started saying no to everybody. He said people got funky and nasty, and he said some people said I'm gonna bring Lois back up again to finish that.

Kristen: 29:49

I really want to hear what she has to say because I love listening to Lois, first of all, and her stories are so impactful.

Loyce: 29:55

Well, thank you, thank you, thank you. So are yours. That's why I want to hear you read your book. Ha ha. I'm no selfish, but at any rate, yeah. So so when he started when he actually went and did well, you know, started doing no, saying no. This is what I do with people, please just say no, all just say no for just for a week. Say no to everything for a week, to your kids, to your husband, to whoever, just for a week and see how they react. Yeah, and doing then, and then you see what happens because you'll see who truly loved you and who really truly respects you. The people who respected me, of course, they of course they tried to convince me to say yes, but then when I buckle down and said no, because I had made a vow to myself. And when I kept that vow to myself, my self-esteem went up. And see, all this is hooked in self-esteem and all that self-love too, because when I keep my word to myself, I have self-integrity. Self-integrity leads to self-esteem. So as he said no, his esteem for himself went up and up and up. And then he said, So where can I say yes? He said, Because there's a couple of things I want to do. I said, I didn't give you a hard thing on it. You don't have to obey everything. I said, I needed you to get used to it so you can see who was in your corner and who wasn't. It was just that simple. And because it will know will weed out the whole lot of people, you know. So recognize that. And it may, and I'm gonna say this, it may hurt your feelings because you're gonna think the people who who who you said yes to every time, where you cross the river and through the woods to to get to where they gotta go to help them, you'll find out that they won't even cross the street to give you a cup of water on a holiday. Okay, and that's the beauty about it.

Kristen: 31:36

It's a little it's a little shocking, it's a little disrupting when we start to really see that. It's like, whoa. Yeah, but you gotta know the truth.

Loyce: 31:48

The truth will set you free, the truth will stop you from um kissing booty. I would say it like that. The truth will stop you from hurting yourself, the truth will stop you from having toxic compassion. Where you they come to you all the time, all the time, and you help, help, help, help, help. Try and go to this, go to somebody that you've been helping for a long time and they never asked nothing from. See how they act. That's an eye awakening, too. But the thing is, you gotta understand how to treat yourself first. If people aren't respecting you, okay, it's nine times out of ten, it's because you aren't respecting yourself and you have no boundaries. So just teach others how to treat you is very, very important. And it begins with no. And what part go ahead?

Kristen: 32:34

You know, our time and attention is a limited resource, and I really got tired of expending that energy where it wasn't gonna be reciprocated. Reciprocated.

Loyce: 32:45

There it is. And my mother used to call that fair exchange, it's nobody's robbery. If they can't be fair and do what you do for them, then you need to go and you gotta still do it because I was compelled. I just do go do it for somebody else. You gotta do it, go do it with somebody else. You gotta keep doing it to the same person who's stepping on you, walking on you, doing all that other kind of stuff. But again, that that's self-respect. And you you can't even get that if you're never saying no. Never say no, never say never. No, sometimes there's a time and a season for everything. Some no, I will never enter into that type of relationship again. No, you can't say no, you can't say no, and you if they ask you, uh uh and they keep bugging you, I'm like, what part of no didn't you understand the N or the O? Okay. I I I was brutal. I had to be because I was such a giver. And I still am. So now I I measure my nose. If it's a no, it's generally a uh H no. And if it's a yes, it's usually an H yes. But if I'm mediocre in the middle, I I say, well, I had to, I have not had to think on that. So I don't give my yeses easily and I don't give my no's harshly. I think about it and decide, is this is will this benefit me and all others concerned, or is this just a selfish whim, or is this just a jump on me, Lois, a dump on Lois day? You know, because some people like to drop their stuff off and keep running.

Kristen: 34:12

Yeah, yeah.

Loyce: 34:13

Okay.

Kristen: 34:15

They unloaded on us, and there we are under the pile, and then they're off now. Feeling lighter.

Loyce: 34:20

Yeah, feeling lighter, and then they correct it with after our conversation, and then they never tell us that they corrected it, and we're under the assumption three or four weeks later that they still going through the same stuff because they didn't have the courtesy or the respect to call us and say, thank you for that. It's all good now. But I love you, Krista, and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Kristen: 34:42

Thank you, sister. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. That was a beautiful share. My sister Lois Hampson, I do highly recommend you give Lois a follow. She gets she comes on every Sunday and shares the divine spark within topics all around, similar to what I talk about, but she delivers it in her Lois specialness. And I really recommend, I believe that's at 11 a.m. Pacific time on Sundays. So be sure to give Lois a follow so that you're notified. And also my next lovely lady, Miss Truly Julie. Let's see what Miss Truly Julie wants to share. Thank you so much for being here. It's a pleasure. It's always a pleasure. Thank you, darling.

Julie: 35:28

When I come on here, I don't begrudge the time. No, I mean, I'm I'm not even aware of the time, really. I get so so much from being here and chatting. And I the time thing is a great measure for you to discover your boundaries. Know when you've you're having a conversation with a friend and you start off kind of like on an equal kind of basis. I say about my day, they say about their day. And then as the conversation goes on, you notice that you're saying less about your day, and they're saying a lot more about theirs. And you're interested at first, and you're kind of like, oh yeah, maybe I can like we can back this up out a bit and see what we can come up with. But you realise then that you're not getting a word in any way is grabbing his carrier back.

Kristen: 36:22

Yeah, it's pretty loud, just FYI.

Julie: 36:26

I've just got you in the room. So, yeah, so you notice that, and then suddenly you start noticing that you are starting to notice the passing of time and other things that you might want to engage in. But you're trapped, you're trapped in this space with this person that is contacting you and telling you that they want a conversation with you, they need your ears, they want you to listen. But do they really want you to listen? Or are they doing that thing where they're just offloading the cart and then decantering the carriage and running free like a horse with no reins? And when you start to discover that time and you discover to start that, you start to discover the feeling of that restraint, you know, that kind of like I'm I'm here, but I don't really want to be. That might be where you start to put your boundaries in. You might start to say, right, when this person rings me or talks to me or you know involves me in their world, I'm gonna give them a certain amount of time. Like uh, I think you mentioned once about the pillow. You know, I've seen it in a film actually was a film or a series, right? When they pass this pillow around to each other. I think it was on breaking bad, all right, the series breaking bad and passing this pillow around the family, except talking about this guy who's uh not well, what the whole family think about it. But have that pillow of time to allow you to have set your boundaries in place. So for me, I'd say 20 minutes will probably be enough for my attention span to kind of put this thing in in motion where I'm gonna say, Right, I'm gonna give you this much time, but I want to expend my energy and have my experience elsewhere, if you don't mind. Yeah, and um, so I do that. I say, right, 20 minutes, and then at the end of that 20 minutes, no matter what's going on in the conversation, it's usually uh one-sided, I'm gonna say. As soon as I start noticing that, right, right, I'm gonna go now to have a shower. I'm gonna go now. And sometimes I don't even say anything at all. But it's lovely talking to you to see you. So you don't have to be mean about it. You can be nice about it.

Kristen: 38:55

Absolutely. And then you can and I I love that you brought up setting it setting a time in advance because I have sat there for hours and hours and been like, oh my god. And I started to think, you know, this isn't, this isn't that we've gone through this or whatever it might be. Like I gave them ample time, and I'm like, I really don't have the time for this. Yeah. So I started to, someone's like, hey, can you talk? And it was only these particular people, everybody. I'd be like, because sometimes it is legit. I got 10 minutes right now, and then I have this thing. But sometimes it was like, yeah, have about 30 minutes, and that was about it. That was it. Yeah.

Julie: 39:34

Yeah, it's good, it's good to discover because that time that we're talking about is yours, it's your experience, it's how you want to experience the world around you, and that uh that's your lifespan, actually. And there is no uh guarantee on that. So choose wisely and put these boundaries in place. Don't sit there like I did for many, many times. Before I put this in space, I'd be like, I'll feel bad if I let go. I'll feel bad if I cut them off. I'll feel bad if I walk away. I'll feel bad if I make an excuse. No, my choice. I get to choose how I want to experience this world. And if it means putting in a boundary of time, that's what I'm gonna do.

Kristen: 40:20

Yes. Love that, Julie. And that's a great segue into this sec this next section that I want to read. I do see someone else's in the queue. If you give me about three minutes, I'm going to read this next section. It's called Speak Up Sooner. And like I said, it starts with a quote from John Mayer: You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again. I have a long fuse. I can put up with a lot for a long time. I used to think it was a superpower until I realized I was doing myself a disservice. Like a burning fuse connected to a bomb, once my fuse was burned up, I'd explode. Although everything I said was truthful, my tone and volume overshadowed my words, and the focus would turn to my behavior. It didn't matter that they were treating me poorly or that I'd requested 187 times for them to stop doing the thing. All that ceased to exist the second I lost it. Oh man, I used to hate that so much. I used to be stuck in the unfairness of it all, but I learned, but I've since learned that I can live as a victim or I can rise above it. Each situation in life provides an opportunity to learn and grow. This scenario taught me something powerful. If I want to be heard, I need to speak in a calm, assertive way long before reaching my saturation point. I taught myself not to deny, excuse, or ignore the niggles of disrespect I was picking up on. I learned to address behaviors as soon as possible in real time. Sometimes it was in the moment, and sometimes it meant waiting until we were in a private space. It's important to take into consideration who's around and what is happening when addressing certain things. I'm not about public shaming people. That's just lowering our vibration to match theirs. If you can't address the issue privately while in public, it's likely best to wait until you have privacy. Obnoxiously calling someone out in public might be appropriate on a rare occasion, but when it's used to shame, you're out of alignment with your higher self and will likely contribute to the problem, not the solution. I've been told many times throughout my life, I'm a patient person. For the most part, I believe I am. Yet waiting endlessly to speak up regarding bad treatment and calling it patience was misleading. I was a doormat. I saw the behavior, I felt the pain, and I shrugged it off as insignificant or too small to address. I wanted to be seen as easygoing and fun to be around, and calling out poor treatment all the time negated the persona I was trying to fill. But here's the irony. When I started addressing issues before they got too big, I was naturally more easygoing and fun to be around because I wasn't carrying around extra emotional baggage. These types of paradoxes come up all the time on our healing journeys. Watch for them. They're fascinating. Now, speaking up sooner doesn't mean pointing out every little thing someone does. It doesn't mean we become behavior police. We can have healthy boundaries and still be the understanding and loving people we've always been. But when you start to feel prickly about someone's actions, that's your cue to pause and investigate. For example, if a person is venting to me about an event in their life and somehow their frustrations turn towards me, I might ask myself questions like this. Are they going through something rough right now? Is their behavior directed at me? Is this how they always treat me? Am I being disrespected in this process? Considering the facts, do I need a boundary? I have no problem holding space for someone struggling. I value emotions and I'm all about the healthy expression of them. I also know how much can be gained through our challenges. But if someone's bad mood turns into an attack on me, that's my cue to speak up. Okay, I have two more people in the queue. There's two more paragraphs to that little section. Should I read them or bring up the people in my cue? Let me just read them. They're not they're not long. Thank you guys. I use a calm, assertive tone and volume and say something like this hey, insert their pet name. So, hey, honey, baby, love, sissy, whatever you call people. I know you're really struggling right now, and I'm here for you. I love you and I want to help. I'm not the one you're upset with, so please stop directing this at me. Then I repeat it as often as necessary. I'm also willing to remove myself if their behavior continues. This method has yielded amazing results in my life. Notice I didn't attack or belittle the person. I spoke about the respect I require when conversing with me. By practicing this method, I noticed how they began practicing this in their own circles. Another example of how boundaries serve both parties. That's a win-win, if you ask me. Note, it's important to mention that children and teens haven't learned how to effectively process their emotions, and it's highly beneficial to use caution and care to not shut them down when they're attempting to share with you. It's crucial to provide our children with safe spaces to share with us. If we overcompensate with respect with restrictions, we could shut them down for good. Be mindful of where your child is at emotionally. A raised voice doesn't necessarily mean they're being disrespectful. If your situation does require a boundary, be sure to set it in a calm, assertive tone and return to them when they've calmed down. Okay. That is the part on what was that called again? Speaking up sooner. Yes, so important. All right, Mojo, thank you for being so patient, Mojo. I appreciate that. I am going to be covering a um a three-part series here, so I want to be sure I get the parts in. Welcome, Mojo. Hey, honey, baby love sissy.

Joseph: 46:26

I just want to know how you could make me wait so long. I was in there, I was in the queue, and I was waiting. And then you said you're gonna read more paragraphs, and I didn't want to wait, wait for more paragraphs. How could you do such a thing? So rude.

Kristen: 46:38

I know, I'm so rude.

Joseph: 46:42

Oh god. You just always read my mail. Stop reading my mail. Uh I now I'm confused. What mail? Reading my mail means what when you're what you're when you're talking about, it's like you're you you know the details of my life when you're speaking directly to me. It's like you've read you've read my mail, which doesn't make any sense anymore because nobody gets mail. So are you reading my email?

Kristen: 47:08

Silly, silly as silliest mojo.

Joseph: 47:10

Yeah, so good stuff, such good stuff here. And um, you know, for the longest time, you're already aware of this, but for the longest time, I thought it was a virtue. You know, the patience is a virtue, is what I was taught, just like you're talking about. But I thought patience meant I would allow people to do anything, say anything. And like you, it wasn't actually until I got kids that I realized that I realized how short my fuse was, so how short my fuse was. And so I I could be patient forever and get mistreated and like take it as a badge of honor. But then suddenly, kids, I don't know how they do this, but they find a way to shorten that fuse. And so I'd find myself getting angry and exploding and yelling and do all the things I said I would never do as a parent. And I thought, what's going on here? Right? This is weird. But it actually turned out to be absolutely beneficial because then I had to start examining what does patience really mean? You know, I was taught the love is patience. So I'm thinking if I'm patient, if I just wait and I don't respond, I don't react, then I'm doing the loving thing. But I'm not I'm not really loving somebody if I allow them to disrespect me because that's not good for them either. And this is that lesson that you've taught me over and over again that setting healthy boundaries and holding them isn't just what's best for me. It is what's best for me, but it's also what's best for the other person. And so what the illustration that comes to mind is guardrails. And I spent a summer in Montana where I repaired the guardrails on this pass, this uh bear-tooth pass that goes from Red Lodge, Montana up to the to the like 12,000 feet. And during the wintertime, the guardrail gets mangled by the um plow trucks. So we go and we fix all the guardrails. And while I'm walking up the road and fixing the guardrails, it dawned on me that fixing those guardrails wasn't just for my benefit, it was a benefit for everybody who travels that road. Because if there is no guardrail, they'll go they'll go over the edge, they'll get hurt. And so that's that illustration really helps me with boundaries. When I'm setting out the boundary, it's not just for me, it's so that the people who are traveling in my lane, they know where not to go over the edge, where it's gonna blow, make me blow up, or it's gonna cause cause such damage inside that I'll resent them, I'll regret them. And here's the thing is I thought people would just know that already. They they should know that, right? That was my my pre-judgment. Well, they should know where the what's healthy boundary is for me. And how would they know if I never told them? Yeah, so I had to learn to speak up and say, hey, you know what, this this might work with in other relationships, and that's fine. But for me, this is a sensitive spot, and this really hurts, and this feels disrespectful. And and you're actually doing damage to me, and I don't think that's what you want to do, is it? And they'll say, No, of course not. But they didn't know, so I I had to set the boundaries so that they didn't do what they didn't want to do. They didn't want to go over the edge and hurt me, but they didn't know where that line was because I never said where it was. So I had to build the guardrails because that was best for both of us, that was best for our relationship. Man, that's a lifelong lesson for me.

Kristen: 49:57

That is that was so beautifully illustrated, Joseph, and so many people are relating to that. That whole thing of we think people should know. That's a that's a really innocent thing on our behalf, you guys. So if you're someone who has said, because I've said, well, they should know. Right. Because I just I was projecting me onto them and figured they should just know. And then I realized at some point they shouldn't know. And I got that from the four agreements. Never make assumptions, don't make assumptions. I was like, oh. Yep.

Joseph: 50:27

It's so funny, exactly exactly what you said, because I'm thinking all of my thoughts about this is inappropriate, they're they're right in the forefront of my mind. But if I don't speak them, I I was assuming the other person knew that this was inappropriate for me, or this is hurting my feelings, or this is digging up old wounds. They had no idea. They were innocently damaging me, which isn't what they wanted to do, right? So I had to use my words, use your words, Joe, right? Use your words and say, Hey, that that hurts. I I don't know if that's what you intended. That that really bothered me. And usually, not everybody, but most people say, Really? I'm so sorry. I would never have done that on purpose. And then save the relationship rather than me just being pissed off and resenting and feeling like, well, I can never talk to that person again because they're just rude. They're not being rude, they just didn't know what they were doing.

Kristen: 51:10

Yeah, they didn't. So they weren't aware of their behavior. Exactly. Joseph, so beautiful. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Appreciate you, Joseph. That was awesome. By the way, you guys, I will have a hard stop at the top of the hour because I do have a meeting and something, it's a something fun and exciting coming. So hopefully, uh, yeah, we get that going in the way that we want to get that going. But I'm not going to speak about that yet. Oh, I love what Joseph was saying. And by the way, you guys, when we get to the space of resentment, that means we've waited too long. All right. Let's just, let's just know that. This is why, again, honoring the emotions, paying attention to the emotions. And once again, in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, this has it all, you guys. It has it all. I have a list of 68 emotions in there. I'm not sure what page it is. Um, but you know what? Those emotions, you can also get my EQ guide. You can get my cultivating emotional intelligence free guide. That is a free resource by clicking on my picture here and going to my link tree. It is on there. That had that also has the list of the 68 emotions. It's only a two-page guide guide. But what the reason why recognizing what we're feeling at any given time, and sometimes we don't know. Sometimes it we just feel some kind of a way. We don't know what it is yet. We just, I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. And it's worth it to go through that guide, to go through those emotions and pick one out. But back to the idea of resentment, if we are somebody who is resenting or feeling that resentment inside of ourselves, that means we've waited too long. That means that things are starting to build up. So I know if I'm getting resentful that I have not spoken up. And here's the cool thing is that that resentment, once I started practicing this, I really didn't feel it as much anymore. It's like every once in a while it crept up, but I used to feel it all the time with a lot of people. And it was my responsibility to speak up to those people. So I do have another guest, but I want to read a couple things that some people had mentioned on the back channel here. Miss Yani said greetings and happy new year. That is so true about saying no and teaching people how to treat you. I am finding out who is for and with me in my recovery journey. It's with eye-opening and shock, it it is very eye-opening and shocking, but needed. Oh, so beautiful. Surround yourself with those who fill your cup, not take away from your cup. I couldn't have worded that better. That's beautiful. And Miss Tiffany said, What a wow, what a reading. Exactly what I want to change about myself. Grab the book, Miss Tiffany, the recovering people pleaser. It's got everything in it. I'm telling you, it is literally my journey. Okay, so let's continue on with the next session. And I will be, uh, this is the one that I wanted to get through today because this is really important. And let me see if we're gonna, this is a pretty big chapter. So yeah, there are, yes, there's other ones. We're probably I'm probably gonna do a part three tomorrow. So this one is called Giving Grace to the Boundary Receiver. If you were here on the beginning of this talk, I talked about how some people are getting called out for the very first time. They've never had anybody speak up about this thing, and initially they're gonna want to make you wrong, yes. But some people have been so in the habit of whatever behavior that they're doing that they do want to change, they do want to fix this thing, but they may fall short a couple, you know, a little bit here and there. And I do give a really good example here regarding my mom and my youngest child in this section of this chapter. Giving grace to the boundary receiver. This one's a biggie. I invite you to open your heart and mind to what I'll be sharing in this section. It might appear like I'm going against what I've said so far, but hang in there while I unpack this concept. It's important to understand that when we start setting boundaries, especially if we haven't in the past, we're changing the rules for people. They've been dealing with us in a certain construct, and suddenly we're telling them that it's not okay anymore. When I got serious about protecting my sacred self, I had some work to do with a few people in my life. My lack of speaking up had permitted them to continue acting a certain way. Most human behavior is on autopilot, which means it happens without conscious thought. So it's going to take some time for our people to become aware of their behaviors and make necessary adjustments. This is where giving grace to our boundary receivers is beneficial. In the same way we extend grace to ourselves while we're learning something new, it's advantageous to extend grace to others while they're learning something new. With this, we set the stage for them to want to change. If we're constantly constantly focusing on where they're falling short, they might wonder why they're even bothering. Disclaimer, this doesn't imply we stay with abusive people in the name of grace. Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse most often escalates into something bigger. It's imperative to have a hard line regarding abusive behavior and to get yourself and those dependent on you to safely immediate safety immediately. This section only refers to typical nonviolent relationships where we are retraining a person to treat us better. After my tsunami, my three children and I lived with my mother and stepfather. It was a loving environment, and I'll be forever grateful for their kindness and generosity. My mother pretty much became my co-parent. I often told her she was the best husband I ever had. Yet she was still the adoring grandmama and liked to spoil her grandbabies. My two oldest children were in high school and fairly independent, so she didn't quote unquote help with them. But my third baby was quite young, and since my children my mother was retired, she cared for her while I worked. The two of them were tight and spent considerable time together. My daughter's memories with her quote unquote papa, that's what she calls my mom, are very dear to her. Isn't that funny? She called my mom papa. She literally did, we still call my mom papa. When I asked my mom if their time together was too much, she'd always reply with, She's my love in my light, she gives me life. That's the truth. She never strayed from that statement, not once. However, the spoiling was real. When we moved into their house, my little one was four years old and ate only fruits and vegetables. It was by her choice. While most kids beg for candy at the grocery store, she'd snag random vegetables out of the produce section and munch away while we shopped. One time she ate three small tangerines off our tree, rinds and all. Another time she ate an unpeeled banana from the end up. This is no joke, you guys. I checked with the pediatrician about her eating the peel of fruit, and he assured me that if it didn't create a problem with her digestion, it was perfectly fine. This child had zero desire for sugar when we moved into my mom's house, but over time that's all she wanted. My mom had a sweet tooth the size of Australia, and I'm sure the two of them partied it up while I was away. My daughter also became addicted to getting new items. She'd persistently asked for toys and trinkets. Alarming bells were ringing for me. I'm all for buying buying things for my kids and allowing treats, but I'm also about healthy diet, delayed gratification, and teaching them how to earn things. One Friday after picking up my daughter from school, she was bugging me about getting her a specific toy. I told her no, I was going to attend I told her no. I was going to attend a three-day conference that weekend, so I asked my mom to please not buy her the toy. I explained how she was getting spoiled with toys and sugar and we needed to rein this in as a team. She agreed, and I trusted she would do the right thing. When I got home on Sunday, my little one ran up to me to show me what papa got her. It was the toy she requested on Friday. I smiled and acted happy for her, but I was fuming on the inside. I calmly asked my mom why she went against my instructions. She shrugged and dejectedly said, I don't know. She went on to say it wasn't the right thing to do. She apologized and said she'd do better. My mom was always a generous person person. It gave her great joy to give to others. If it wasn't for the fact that my father was so frugal frugal when we were growing up, I'm certain she'd have spoiled me and my brothers too. She bought the toy out of love, but also because she had difficulty saying no to people. I knew that about her. But I also knew it wasn't good for our child. Not only was my daughter getting spoiled, but she was getting teased at school. Her weight gain. I knew my mom understood my boundary, but I also knew she'd be changing a lifetime habit. I held my line and I gave her grace while she learned. She did her best to get my permission before buying my daughter a toy or giving her sugar. She wasn't 100% great at it, but she showed definite improvement. Not all people are capable of immediate change. We're all works in progress. However, if we're seeing a significant change in the right direction, this indicates our person is aware and working on it. Give them grace while they learn. A great way to identify when someone is in the process of breaking a pattern is if the negative behavior diminishes or becomes less frequent. If you notice a significant change in your receiver, your boundary receiver, be sure to share your appreciation with them. Most people bloom under conditions of appreciation and validation. Since it feels good, it encourages them to keep at it. Seeing consistent progress over perfection is a sign your person is trying to respect your line. Most often it's only a matter of time before it'll stop for good. If your person constantly ignores your boundaries, keeps treating you poorly, tells you you're crazy or selfish, or continues to gaslight you, it's safe to say they've no intention of changing a thing. Do your best not to get sucked in by charming words, no matter how much they say they're quote unquote trying or attempt to sweet talk you. And this is in bold print, y'all. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. Zero movement in the right direction means it's time for an action boundary. Pull your energy back until they are ready to honor your line. If nothing changes, it's time to consider if you want to keep investing your precious energy on them. All situations in our lives happen for us, not to us. It's how we show up to them that matters. There are no hard and fast rules for how to handle the multitude of personalities and situations we each deal with. This is in bold as well. It's up to us to love ourselves well and make solid decisions that support our well-being and the well-being of those dependent on us. Sometimes our loved ones want to please us, but they stumble in the process. Extending grace while they learn is an act of love and could be exactly what your person needs to rally up for the win. All right, you guys. I need to end this conversation now because I have a Zoom meeting right at the top of the hour. I have one minute to get on board with that. But I hope you guys found a lot of um serving information in what my guests have said and what I read to you today out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. That boundary chapter is a big one and it is so, as you can see, if you've been on both of these talks, it covers all the bases. Because when we're setting boundaries, we come up with a lot of questions. So there's a lot of things that arise because we're just not used to it. Please know that that's not an indicator that you can't do this and that you're never going to be good at it. It means that you are a work in progress, you're practicing self empowerment, you're working on your self love, and you will get there. I promise you, if you set course for this, you will get there. All right, guys, so much love to each and every one of you, and I will see you later. Bye.