Boundaries: Teach People How to Treat You (Part Three)

In this episode, we’re wrapping up the boundaries series by talking about something we all experience—realizing after the fact that we needed a boundary we didn’t set. Maybe you felt disrespected, unsafe, drained or resentful but couldn’t name why until later. This part of the journey is all about hindsight, self-awareness, and learning from the moments where you abandoned yourself without realizing it. In Part 3, we explore the idea of when a person crossed a line (you didn’t catch in the moment) and how to set a boundary after the fact to protect yourself going forward.

Because every missed boundary is really just a message—one that helps you get clearer, stronger, and more self-honoring. ✨

For FREE Resources, KB's Self-Love Merch Shop, Book link, Coaching and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor 

Transcript

Kristen: 0:00

This is part three of a conversation that I started on Thursday. I did part one of the boundary series and I started to read excerpts from my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, a Spiritual Guide to Reclaim Your True Worth and Attract the Love You Deserve. This book was published in April of 2023 and turned into an international number one bestseller in a matter of hours. I'm very proud of this book and the impact that it's had on people because it was written straight from my heart. You get my full personality, my full voice in here, as you're going to see when I read through it. An occasional curse word. So if you're a little squeamish, this may not be the talk for you. Nothing too hairy scary, just, you know, it's the way I talk in my natural life, and that is how I spoke in this book because I wanted it to portray me exactly as I am. So I started reading from the boundaries chapter in this book, which is a full-bodied, awesome chapter because boundaries can be very confusing to some people. Some people can set them readily, some people might be first just dabbling in the boundary situation, and some people may just shake in their boots when it comes to setting a boundary. So no matter where you're at on this journey, I believe that this conversation and actually part one and part two are going to help you in ways that are indescribable because you may not even know that you're running across these types of issues with boundary setting. So it's going to help you get really radically clear about what it is you need to do. In part one, I talked about what boundaries are because a lot of times people think, I've heard this out in the world, like on social media and stuff, where people will say something like, My boundary is that I want to meet a rich man or woman. They'll call that a boundary. That's not a boundary, that's actually a press a preference or a desire. Okay, a boundary is lines and limits that we set with people in regards to their poor behavior with us or with others. It's when we make a request of somebody else to stop doing the thing that they're doing, that this makes us feel a certain way. We feel unsafe, we feel scared, we feel disrespected, dishonored, uncared for, whatever it might be. And we set the boundary with their poor behavior. Now, boundaries are a request, they are not a command. A lot of people think they are a command. You must do this. That's not a boundary. A boundary is a request for them to shift their behavior. Oftentimes, as recovering people pleasers, we're real quick and apt to change our behavior because we're used to trying to please other people. But there's a whole slew of people out there that just make it about them. And those are people that are usually on the selfish slash narcissistic type person scale. And those people may not readily want to change their behavior. There's also the difference between givers and takers. If you are someone who give, give, gives, you're likely going to attract or have attracted people into your life who like to take, take, take. It's like a key to a lock. The overtakers love to be given to, and the overgivers love to be giving, and both in the means of getting their needs met. That's for another talk. It's a little bit more complicated to unpack. So in this conversation, we're going to be jumping into part three, which is about boundaries in hindsight. And this is the last little sub chapter in this chapter of setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries in hindsight is about those times when we walk away from somebody and we're like, darn it, I wish I would have said this or I wish I would have said that, whatever it might be. But then we believe because the moment has passed, that we can't do it anymore. No, the moment's over. I can't do it anymore. And I see this over and over again with people who something happens and I'm like, you know, you can call them back. You can speak up and say, hey, you know, last night when you did blank, they're like, no, I don't want to do that. I'm just gonna wait, you know, I'll see if it happens again. Or, oh, you know, they must be tired today. They'll make excuses, why not to set those boundaries? And I'm here to tell you boundaries need to be set often and early. When we recognize that somebody is doing something that's not okay, that it's crossing a line with our well-being in some capacity, we must must be willing to be our own advocates and our own protectors. And boundaries are part of self-love. And for those of you who are new here, I often talk about the five self-love tenets, which are grace and forgiveness of self, respect and protection of self, compassion and acceptance of self, loving and supportive self-talk, and self-care. And self-love tenant number two, respect and protection of self, is regarding boundaries. So boundaries are rooted in love of self, and boundaries serve both parties because it gives the boundary setter an opportunity to be treated well, but it also gives the boundary receiver an opportunity to look within and to grow. Now, a fallacy is that we're going to set a boundary and somebody off the top is going to be like, oh, sure, no problem. That's great. Some people in my life have done that, but many had to work towards it because they had formed some type of bad behavior, some habitual pattern of behavior due to whatever reason was going on inside of them. And it took them a minute. Now, in part two, I do disclaim when it comes to abuse, that's not something we wait around for people to heal. Okay, we really need to get ourselves to safety when it comes to abuse, ourselves and those who are dependent on us for protection. Now, all this is unpacked in part one and part two. Okay, so this subchapter is called Boundaries in Hindsight. So I often start out with quotes, and I love this quote that I start off this chapter, this subchapter with from Jeff Olson, and he says, It's never too late to start. It's always too late to wait. Have you ever wished you'd said something different after stepping away from a conversation or argument? Did you become clearer about things after you had time to process the interaction? This section is about what to do post-situation. It's about giving yourself permission to revisit conversation and scenarios at a later date, no matter how much time has passed. I call this, quote unquote, reserving the right to revisit this later. Just because you didn't say the thing you wished you'd said in the moment does not mean you cannot go back to it later. Conversations and topics are not always over once the subject changes. It is healthy relationship protocol to revisit conversations after they're over if it's in a productive way. I once had a friend who had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. She'd drink to the point of quote unquote shitty, as we like to call it. She was a beautiful girl and had an amazing figure, yet she had very little self-worth. She thought her body was her value and would go home almost every weekend with a random guy she'd picked up from a bar or club. When I talked to her about the risk factors of this behavior, she'd shrugged me off like it was no big deal. One Sunday morning, while I was enjoying quality time with my kiddos, she called to ask if I could pick her up at a hotel and take her to her car. She was my best friend, so of course I said yes. She told me she'd left the club with not one, but two random guys, and they got a hotel room for the night. And in parentheses, I wrote, the guys didn't know each other. When I picked her up, she told me she didn't know where she'd parked a car. We drove to all the places she'd been the previous night before we finally found it. At the time, I was the ice. Remember that you guys we type in ice next to someone's name in the phone in case of emergency? I was the ice contact in her phone's contact list. After dropping her off, I became more and more annoyed. For one, I was a busy single mother and I was tired of being her babysitter and rescuer when she consumed too much alcohol. And two, I'd already been concerned about her reckless behavior, but this was over the top. Two random dudes in a secluded hotel room and she couldn't even remember where she parked her car. Come on. It had reached a new level of concern for me. I needed to say something, but I didn't know what. I processed through my feelings for a few days or so, then decided to write her a letter. I shared how important she was to me and how her excessive drinking and reckless behavior affected me. I told her each time she went out, I feared getting a call from the police requesting to identify a female body found murdered and dumped in a ditch. I also told her if this behavior continued, that she'd need to remove me as her ice. We worked together in a salon and our stations were right next to each other. At the end of my workday, I loitered about, waiting for her to go to the back room for something. When she finally did, I placed the letter on her station and hightailed it out the door. I was filled with fear and anxiety because I'd never set a boundary with her before, and frankly, she was a moody thing. I expected to get the silent treatment at work the next day, but that didn't happen. Instead, she called me on her way home that same evening. She apologized and told me she understood because she'd had to write a similar letter to her own family member. Sometimes it's favorable to wait before addressing a situation. Permit yourself to process first, then decide how you'd like to handle it. Be strong and don't shy away if someone tries to bully you into silence by saying something like, Oh God, you're bringing this up again, or why can't you just drop it? Or my favorite, that's in the past. There's no time limit to when you're allowed to speak up about something, no matter how far in the past it happened, or how much they tried to dissuade you. And this is in all bold, you guys, being excellent guardians of our mental and emotional health will require doing hard things. Reserve the right to revisit any situation that feels incomplete to you. If the situation or behavior is affecting your well-being or someone dependent on you, it is your right to speak up at any point. The two biggest boundary mistakes. It probably goes without saying that the biggest boundary mistake we we can make is not setting one in the first place. The second mistake is inconsistency. Since people pleasers tend to choose cuddles and kisses over confrontation, it's easy to let things go, become complacent, and hope for the best. Sometimes this works out and sometimes not so much. I'll share a little story that highlights this in a playful way. Although my family of origin had a dog growing up, I was too little to be involved in caring for or training her. In 2005, when I got my first dog as an adult, I had zero clue how to be a dog owner. To be honest, and I know this might might sound a little ridiculous, I didn't know they required training. Insert eye roll. I naively thought that dogs were just good and some dogs not so much. I bought my little doggo Robbie at a pet store. He was a Bichon Freeze. Please don't hate me for the pet store purchase. At the time I knew nothing about puppy meals. At eight weeks old, this little ball of fluffy white hair came to live with us. I researched potty training and kettle training, but that was the extent of it. I took him outside once an hour the first couple of days and pointed to the ground while repeating, go potty. He'd then go potty. By day two, he began alerting us by standing next to the back door. And that was that. He was potty trained, bada bing bada boom. One day we were working in the front yard, Robbie was under a year old. I saw him making his way toward the sidewalk that ran along the street. I called to him one time and said, Robbie, no no, no street. And can you believe that that boy never once walked into st into the street without us for the rest of his life? I can't make this up. As most dogs do, he barked incessantly when people came to the front door. It took maybe five times of me sternly saying no bark before he started stopped doing it completely. I don't mind alert barking, but I'm not a fan of incessant barking. He also didn't chew on things, get into trash cans, or sneak random snacks off plates left unattended. He was so fig easy, I figured I'd had this dog training thing in the bag. One very sad day, Robbie passed. The pain was excruciating. I'll never forget my sweet, sweet boy. Robbie had Bud gone for a couple of years when my children started pushing for another dog. Enter Wesley, and this is the same dog I have today. We acquired Wesley from a rescue agency. He, along with his mama and seven siblings, were brought down from northern Arizona to a shelter. My goal was to choose an easy, friendly dog, just like my Rob's. I told my kids that the first pup that consistently approached us each time we visited would be ours. Wesley was always the first to greet us and smother us with the sweetest puppy kisses. We chose him as our new family member. Not long after having him home, reality hit. To say that Wesley was difficult to train is an understatement. He chewed on everything, he wouldn't follow commands, and he peed everywhere. He jumped all over everyone and scratched them with his claws. He constantly nipped at and put his mouth on us, sometimes cutting us with his sharp puppy teeth. He wasn't aggressive, but it certainly hurt. And the crazy scary part was he was obsessed with swallowing, ped socks, and hair scrunchies. Whole. What the heck was happening here? I hired two different trainers and spent endless hours binging puppy training videos. I learned great tips from all, but there was one running theme through all of the information I was consuming. Consistency. I couldn't let anything slide. The second I did, he'd go back to his old ways. Before y'all start wondering if we were missing something, I promise you we spent hundreds of dollars on chew toys to keep him busy. He annihilated chew toys in less than five minutes. This is no exaggeration, you guys. Regraduated to heavy duty ones made from fire hose material and he'd chew through those in less than two hours. We played with him a lot and took him on long walks and car rides to burn energy and keep him entertained. He wasn't unruly because we neglected him. He was just, well, Wesley. I'm happy to report that he is now the best boy ever. He follows my commands, loves people, and is truly a joyful part of our family. Consistency was the key. I share the story because humans are much like dogs. Some humans are simply easier to quote train than others. Some are like Robbie, they learn quickly and don't require much boundary maintenance. Others are like Wesley and require consistent boundary maintenance to get the results we want. Neither pup is better than the other. They are both special and unique in their own ways and loved equally. Robbie learned commands easier, but he was too small to hike with me. Wesley can hike for miles, but was more challenging to train. It's not fair to classify dogs or humans as good or bad regarding how compliant they are. We're all vastly different and learn at different rates. When we understand that everyone is wired differently and some humans require more quote unquote training than others, we set ourselves up for success. The good news is that most of us learn well when faced with consistency and repetition. When teaching others how to treat us, or trading a dog or raising kids, being inattentive and lackadaisical will not yield the results we want. If you truly want to be treated with respect and kindness, you must be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it. Stay consistent with your practice. Those who love you and don't want to lose you will do whatever it takes to keep you. Those who are selfish and in it just to take from you will likely move on. Either way, you win. An empowered person understands that boundaries say, I matter, my opinions matter, my needs matter, my well-being matters. To be with me is to honor and respect me as I do myself, and I too will equally honor and respect you. You are the only one who can break your doormat behaviors and teach others what's required to be your friend or lover. It's about creating relationships that honor and respect the person you are by unapologetically communicating what is unacceptable through your words and your actions. Once again, that is boundaries, boundary chapter from my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. If you're interested in this book, then I recommend you click on my profile picture here and click after that, you'll go to my profile. You can click on the link that says, I believe it says my link tree, and I will have one of the tabs on there, it will take you to Amazon. If you have a different book selling site that you really enjoy, it is on 40,000 major bookselling sites. So you can check that out as well. And while you're there, you can check out my self-love merchandise and also my free resources. So this talk has been on boundaries. This is a part three. I did not even mean it to start that way. I was reading an excerpt out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, on Thursday in my weekly talk. For those of you who are new here just joining this talk, it's a lot. There's like this influx of new people that have come to the app. And I want to give you all a big welcome, first of all, for being here. You have found the absolute best, best community that you will ever find. If you are someone who is interested in living better, healing your body, losing some weight, taking care of your well-being, all these types of things. That's what Noom Vibe App is all about. So if you're interested in healing your self-worth, your inner world, you're learning about self-love, you're curious how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, how to stop attracting takers and toxic and narcissistic type people into your life, and you're really ready to step into the true version of yourself, then I do recommend that you give me a follow so that you can be notified when my talks happen, which means you'll get a little banner across the screen as long as you have your notifications turned on. So, like I was saying, I started a part one. I well, I just was gonna have given a boundaries talk on Thursday, and that talk was so full-bodied, so robust, I didn't get to finish what I wanted to share. So I went ahead and turned it into a part two on Friday. And that talk was again so powerful, so robust, so full-bodied, that I said, I'm gonna do a part three and to finish up the chapter of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, by reading through the rest of that chapter. And that portion was boundaries in hindsight. And this is about not being afraid to go back and to revisit a situation. I call it reserving the right to revisit anything you need to later or in hindsight, because oftentimes something will happen in our lives, or you know, later upon thinking about it or talking about it, or it's still sitting with us, and we don't know how we feel about it. And then maybe, you know, a week goes by and we're like, gosh, I still am not feeling okay with this, or we talk to somebody else and they're like, that wasn't cool, you know, that that person did that. And then we're like, dang, I wish I would have said something, or they're like, say something now. And you don't believe that you can. I'm here to tell you that the boundaries can happen at any time. I had a situation where a cousin did something that was not cool, and I hadn't seen this cousin in like 30 years. The situation was never addressed. Our fathers are twin brothers, and at my father's funeral, I knew he was going to be there. I set a boundary. I set a boundary. I happened, I happened to be in a group email feed. I saw his email address and I sent him an email and I told him what my boundary was. I said, Here's my boundary to be at my father's funeral. This is 30 years later. There's no time frame for boundaries. Okay. So I I want you to know, I want you to sink this into yourself that you can set a boundary anytime you need to. All right. Even if it's in hindsight, even if you say to somebody six months after they did something really crappy to you, and you're like, you know, I've been thinking about that thing that you did. It really embarrassed me in front of your parents. And I haven't spoken up until now. And I just want to say, I'm going to request that you don't do that again. Not with your parents or with anybody else. That was not cool. I felt disrespected. I felt dishonored. And this is not okay with me. And that person may give you pushback. They may say something like, You're bringing that up, that was six months ago, or why, oh, you're too sensitive, or that bothered you. What's the big deal? You know, this is how it goes. This is how it goes when we set boundaries. And we must cultivate an inner strength to know that when someone is treating you poorly, it is our job to speak up. I had little to no boundaries from much of my life. Here's what I learned though. I thought I did have boundaries because I would speak up, I would say something about the bad behavior. And I'm talking bad behavior here. I'm not talking silly things. I'm talking like, hey, that is not okay, what you did. And what I learned about myself was that I didn't hold the line. I didn't know what to do afterwards. I thought it was going to be one and done. Hey, don't raise your voice to me. Hey, it's not okay that you did this or would you did that? And they kept doing it, so I'd just say it again. Maybe I'd say it again with some tears, or I'd say it again a little louder, I'd say it again, or again, or maybe, you know, I just kept trying all these tactics to get these people to change, and it never worked. And I realized that there's more involved with boundaries than just the simple request that comes at the beginning. Okay, I'm gonna bring it my brother and friend, Mojo McCarthy. Welcome up. Thank you so much for joining me today, Joseph. Hello there.

Joseph: 22:06

So boundaries is such an intriguing concept to me because I didn't, I had no clue what that meant. I knew the word, what the word meant. I could tell you the definition, but how that played out in my life, no clue. And one of the great ironies of my life is many years ago, uh, right about the time I got married, so 25 years ago or so, I was on a golf trip and I got paired up with Henry Cloud. And Henry Crow Henry Cloud and his friend John Townsend wrote the original Boundaries book that kind of set the set the word into the collective consciousness. He's one of the original Boundaries guys. And so I spent a whole round of golf with him. Of course, I was never anywhere near him because he golfed right down the middle and I golfed in the trees. But but just the irony of of uh golfing with the guy who kind of um did uh defined the term brought it to us, right? He brought it to us. And he started groups all over the country, starting in Southern California. So there was actually boundaries, groups where people could learn what that meant and how to rebuild them, etc. And I was clueless. But here's here's the thought that came to mind when you and I were talking uh on modern day alchemists not not that long ago. Um, I we were talking about boundaries, and again, I was so vague to me. How does that play out? What do I do with it? And suddenly I had this vision in my mind of the force shield around the city of Wakanda in the Marvel comics. And and this force shield, which is invisible, um, it's impervious to enemies, but it's completely passable from allies like the Avengers. So when the Avengers approach the city, nobody can see the city because it's it's hidden behind this force shield, it's and so the whole city's invisible. But the Avengers, because they're friends and allies of the city, they just passed right through it unimpeded. But the enemies who were coming to make a mess of the city or to attack it, they were repelled by this boundary. And the reason that seemed like uh such an epiphany to me is that I always kind of viewed boundaries as like a fence or a wall where it was rigid, and you were either in or you're out. And now I see it more like a membrane, almost like a cell membrane, where the things that are nutrients to my cells, they pass in and out of the cell wall unimpeded. But viruses and infections, my cells are designed to keep them out so that I can't that it can't infect my cell. And that's true both on that on that cellular level, but also on my self-level. And now I now I have a better picture of my mind of what does a boundary look like? It's it's uh it's not an impervious wall, it is a a membrane that has the wisdom to know who is my ally and who is my enemy. And sometimes those people change roles, but I have to let my intuition um and my experience teach me that okay, um, each time someone comes close to my heart, there's a boundary there, and my heart has to decide in that moment is this friend or foe. And it might not be like forever, but just for the moment, because if a person comes in hot and they're they're upset and they're angry and they're gonna spew their venom, they might be someone I love who normally would be an ally, an adventure for me, but in that moment, they're gonna cause damage, right? And so my walls have to be up. And again, not just for me, but for them as well, so that they don't do something they're gonna regret. Uh, but that that idea of of the boundary being passable for allies, but impervious to enemies, and that that changes moment to moment, that's really been helpful for me to understand how do I navigate the the world of boundaries. Does that make sense to you?

Kristen: 25:40

It does, and I and I like that you pulled that in. That you know, I didn't know that. Like you pick up on all these little nuances stuff with movies and things, and I love that. I love that idea. And that's really that's a that's another cool way, a new, another nuance, another kind of contextual thing that you could bring to this conversation so people could understand a little bit more. Joseph, you're gonna time out, you can come back if you want. There's no one in the queue.

Joseph: 26:05

All right, cool.

Kristen: 26:06

If you have time, yeah, please feel free to. So, you know, what I learned with the self-love tenant, respect and protect self, I needed to become very, very highly discerning. And I think this is what Joseph is saying. He can tell you if it's true or not, but I had to become highly discerning of almost all the behaviors that were around me. And there was some cleanup. It's like moving into an abandoned house. I, you know, you have to clean up the front yard and you have to mow it and you have to pick weeds and you have to plant the garden and do all the things on the inside of the house, right? I had a lot of cleanup that I had to do in my life. But at first it felt very overwhelming because all of you know, when you live in that type of environment for so long, it almost doesn't feel uh what's the word I'm looking for? It doesn't, it feels normal because you've been dealing with it for so long. Sure, it's it's become your normal.

Joseph: 27:04

Yeah, you get desensitized to it.

Kristen: 27:06

Yes, desensitized. That's the word you get desensitized to it. But here's what happened for me, Joseph is once I really started to love and respect and care for myself and talk kindly to myself, every time somebody else did not, that stood out like a beacon. So if you think about it, if you clean up that abandoned house and then a weed go grows, you're gonna see it. Yeah, right? Or you're gonna see it where you didn't before. So that's there's um our lens can change the better that we treat ourselves.

Joseph: 27:40

Yeah. Well, you talk about cleaning the windshield or cleaning the car from the mud, and I think this applies perfectly to what you're saying, is that our filters, well, mine, I'll talk about me. My filter was skewed at best, probably broken is a better word, because of the trauma that I'd gone through. So I I had no discernment. Uh, and I'm a trusting person, so I let people in who didn't belong, uh, and then I regretted it later, right? Regretted it later because I just want everybody to be loving and to to love me and I'll love them back, and then I get betrayed over and over again. And I I used to think that was their fault, but really it was me, because I wasn't I wasn't discerning to use your good, really good word there. I wasn't discerning. And here's the deal for me now, and and this came to me just as you're talking, it's not so much about discerning whether a person is safe, but whether the energy that they're bringing to me in that moment is safe. Because the same person can be wielding, let's say they have uh an axe, let's say they have an axe. Now, an axe can be used to chop down trees, and then you can put the the wood in your um furnace or your fireplace, and they're your they're your friend, right? The axe can also cut your head off. The same person can wield the axe differently, right? And so now this is again very helpful. I'm realizing my boundary isn't to keep a person in or out. My my boundary is to keep the negative energy, the destructive energy that they may be bringing, and it might not even be about me. They're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, they're pissed off at some set of the world, and I just happen to be in their blast radius. Shields up! I gotta put shields up, and that doesn't mean that they're a bad person, that they can never be close to me. That just means in that moment, when they are out of control and not controlling their energy towards me, I have to put the shields up again for my benefit and for theirs, or there's gonna be destruction.

Kristen: 29:27

Yep. And I appreciate that you brought up that that sometimes one of our most loving people can all of a sudden do something that is not so loving, and then we need to speak up about it. And this is where I think people get pretty tripped up, or some people can, is they're like, but it's my mom, but it's my wife, but it's my child, but it's my, you know, I'm not allowed to set a boundary. Oh yes, you are. There's only one person that can protect us, and we want to allow in the good behavior. And in fact, I'm gonna go as far as saying when that when the behavior is good, touch them, give them a kiss on the cheek, look them in the eye, tell them how much you appreciate it, blow up the good behavior. Reinforce it, reinforce it.

Joseph: 30:11

Reward it, reward it and reinforce it, and then you'll get more of it.

Kristen: 30:15

Yes, and and continue to do that. And then when the negative or not so great behavior comes on, nope, the boundary goes up, and then willing to set an action boundary if needed. Well, now I'm gonna remove myself, or I'm gonna hang up the phone, or I'm not gonna go out with you on Friday night, or whatever it might be. Yeah, those two things working congruently tend to yield the best results with the people who are closest to us. It's not typically gonna work too much if you've got somebody that's just in your life that you've met for two weeks, right? And maybe in a dating scenario, and they're like, I don't care, I'll move on and do some, you know, go hang out with somebody else.

Joseph: 30:50

Right, right.

Kristen: 30:50

But I feel like the the what you brought up is so good. It's like paying attention to the behaviorslash the energy. Is this feeding me or is this detracting from me? Is this hurting me? Is this helping me what it might be? Because sometimes people just speak passionately. Right. It doesn't mean they're yelling at you because sometimes they're just really excited. We must really learn to discern the difference inside of ourselves, too, about what feels okay and what doesn't feel okay, because we have that detector inside. We do know.

Joseph: 31:25

I got one more thought, I'll come right back. Sure.

Kristen: 31:27

Come on back. There's no one in the queue. My talk had this great momentum going, and then the internet did its thing. You know, by the way, you guys, my son did message me while I was on this talk and he said, Can you unplug the modem and replug it back in so there is something going on? And I did that, and I tried to, I'm gonna turn back on my Wi-Fi on my phone and see if you guys can hear me. Can you hear me?

Joseph: 31:49

Yeah, I can hear you fine.

Kristen: 31:50

All right, well, let's maybe it worked. Okay.

Joseph: 31:53

Yeah, I called that the glitch that stole New Year's. It was happening on my stage too.

Kristen: 31:57

Oh, was it?

Joseph: 31:58

Yeah, there was the Grinch that stole Christmas. This is the glitch that's trying to steal New Year's, but we're not gonna let it, no, sir.

Kristen: 32:03

Did you have a Wi-Fi situation though? Because I think it was my house because my son said to unplug and replug in the modem.

Joseph: 32:08

No, I just think it's uh it's uh energy out there trying to stop this goodness from happening, but I'm I'm not I'm not happy any of it.

Kristen: 32:16

I just think there's so much coolness on this app, we're blowing it up. That's what I think.

Joseph: 32:20

We're overloading the circuits with positive energy. Uh the last thing I want to throw in with this Avengers model, City of Wakanda, is that once the Avengers, which are the allies to the Wakandans, got inside, then they fought shoulder to shoulder with the Wakandans to keep the enemies out. And the reason I bring that up is that they're because my sense of boundaries has been so skewed, um, I have had to learn to invite people into my inner circle, my mighty companions, as you would say, to say, help me see what I can't see, because there are a lot of times I can't I can't discern. I try really hard, but I can't discern. Is this person, is this person here for an evil intent or for a good intent? Is this is this person out of control or not? I I can't read it very carefully because as my as my counselor said, my radar got broken back in the day. So I'm rebuilding that. I'm rebuilding that, but in the process, I'm learning that there are a handful of Avengers that aren't blood related to me. In fact, I don't not many people are blood related to me because I've adopted as a baby, but that's that's not what I mean. I mean, there are there are mighty companions, uh, and you're one of them that I know if I can't sense if this situation is is harmful or not, um, I can get you into this inner circle where now you're you're in the inside with me looking out, and you can say, Oh yeah, I can tell, Joe, because I've been through this, my in my radar's working today, uh, this person is no problem, or this person is a problem. And and I I have to trust that because I can't tell. And so there isn't my discernment is is getting stronger for sure, but there's still a lot of um gaps for me. And so by by inviting my Avengers inside with me and say, Can you help me figure this out? Oftentimes they can see what I can't see. They see my in my blind spots, as it were. And that really is helpful for me then to know, okay, this is a good boundary to hold, or no, that probably isn't a boundary you necessarily need to hold now.

Kristen: 34:20

Yeah, when you have somebody who's willing to be honest with you and break it down with you, I think that's it's a gift in and of itself. I love the idea. Let's bring up the idea also that sometimes as children, we had people crossing our boundaries all over the place.

Speaker 5: 34:35

Yeah.

Kristen: 34:36

And even sometimes our parents were crossing our boundaries or allowing other people to cross our boundaries. So we grow up into adults that don't have a clear and healthy definition of what boundaries are.

Joseph: 34:46

That's me. Yeah.

Kristen: 34:47

We need to give ourselves grace for that. We we weren't taught, nobody told us. So we're floundering around trying to figure out what's okay, what's not okay, and we just simply don't know. So arming ourselves with knowledge and information and conversations like this, this is where we really start to put all the pieces together, where it starts to make sense.

Joseph: 35:07

Yeah. And and I just gotta say uh to you directly and to a few others in my life that when I've when I've had the courage to ask for help, uh, which is not an easy thing for a guy to do that's been taught, you know, solve it yourself, otherwise you're weak. Right. But when I do, and you come in and say, you don't fix anything for me, you just help me see clearly what I can't see on my own, and I make I make better decisions that way, that's really it's really priceless to me because I'm still in the process of so you know, as my counselor said, it's like a radar that's built into all of our system, but if it gets trampled on too long, it just gets destroyed, it doesn't work anymore. So, in the process of rebuilding my radar, having someone whose radar is is fixed, it's working and it's acute and it understands, it can read the energy from a distance. Uh, that that's really helpful because I otherwise I'll I'll make I won't make I won't make I won't be able to discern very well in many situations.

Kristen: 36:01

Well, sometimes too, we're just too close. We're too close to the situation, and we need somebody that has a little backed up view.

Joseph: 36:09

Right, right. You know, and also caught up in the emotion of it too. Yeah.

Kristen: 36:12

Yes, that was my next point is that we're caught up in the emotion, so it's hard to see clearly. But man, bringing that to someone, a trusted, a trusted person that you know is gonna say, Yeah, this one's yours, or no, this one is not yours. No, you're not crazy. I've had people that have had to tell me when I was setting boundaries or needed to set a boundary, they're like, You are not crazy. And they repeated it like five times because the person was trying to make me feel crazy. Yeah, and just having that reminder was priceless. So thank you, Joseph. Yeah. Oh my gosh, so good. So, so good. We got some couple of back channels here. Let's see. So true. The dynamics between my husband have improved so much since I told him to lower his voice or that his talking was negative. He has started respecting me and my feelings more. If he doesn't, I remove myself. He usually apologizes later. Wow. I gotta read that again. The dynamics between my husband, I'm sure it means and I have improved so much since I told him to lower his voice or that his talking was negative. He started respecting me and my feelings more. If he doesn't, I remove myself. He usually apologizes later. That's how it's done. Right there, I'm sending so many claps and hugs and love to you. That is amazing. You know, like I said, sometimes we just haven't set the boundary. We haven't made the request. We haven't spoken up. We've just um I know somebody, there's somebody in my life who no matter what anybody does, this person makes an excuse for them. And that person is their and this is their excuse. Oh, so-and-so is just being who they are. I'm like, okay, I understand that. And this is not about dissing somebody or hating somebody, but if this is hurting you, and then the person would say, No, I'm fine. I knew they weren't. But they were making so many excuses over and over again for people in their lives. I was like, hey, you need to speak up. You don't need to be mean, you don't need to be horrible, but you definitely need to speak up if these people are doing these things to you, or else they're going to keep doing these things to you. Okay. Uh I think this is Cynthia. Hi, Cynthia. Are you there? Hi, I'm there. Can you hear me? I sure can.

Cynthia: 38:34

Welcome, Cynthia. Thanks. I'm tuning in from Washington, DC. Nice. So, one of the things that you said that really resonated with me is, you know, other people who are close to you. It's harder to set boundaries with people that are closer to your inner circle, right? And it's definitely harder when it's your family members. Um, and I recently um had have both of my elderly parents that moved in with me due to declining health issues, and I've become their primary caregiver. It's challenging because I noticed the last couple of years my weight crept on and I was doing all the things, right? I'm a military veteran, so I'm like doing all the workouts, I'm eating healthy. And no matter what I did, it was it was a stress. It really was almost as if like I developed insulin resistance because diabetes runs in my dad's side of the family. But that high level of stress, and I'm also a tech founder, so I run two different organizations, and then all of a sudden I'm like caring for semi-adult children and my elderly parents. So I'm in that gap generation where I literally feel like I'm stretched super thin. And then, you know, you've got this dynamic of elderly parents that are baby boomers and they're used to being independent. They're used to doing things for themselves. And it's hard for them to be dependent on me. But then that dynamic of like, well, you're always. Going to be my kid. You know, it doesn't matter how old you are. You're always going to be a kid in their eyes. And it's it's like for me, just letting them know, hey, like you you will not speak to me that way. Like I love you and I care about you, but we live together now, right? And I'm here to take care of you and I'm here to help you. But if you continue to treat me that way, I will have to say no. Yeah. So that that's the hard thing. And I don't think that they like at the beginning, they kind of looked at me like they didn't, they didn't think I was serious. And I really had to like tell myself, all right, when you say something, don't react out of anger. Like you have to pause, you have to take a breath, you have to realize that it's not personal. A lot of the behaviors that they've had their whole life have it, they're not going to change. They're, you know, almost 80. So, but you can tell people how to treat you. And I don't think that they expected that. I think they were like still thinking of me in my teenage years before, you know, I grew up. So, yeah, that that dynamic of setting your boundaries, especially with loved ones, especially when I'm seeing cognitive decline. My dad is early stage um dementia, and he's going blind, and then my mom just finished 18 months of breast cancer treatment.

Kristen: 41:16

So really you have it going on over there.

Cynthia: 41:19

Yeah, it's and it's asking for help. So, like, like not only are you setting boundaries with people's bad behavior, but also teaching you, all right, instead of having outbursts, because some of it is cognitive, like, you know, especially with my daddy, he doesn't understand that like it's not appropriate. So I have to teach him, all right, you know, take a breath, go for a walk. Like, if he has trouble verbalizing, write it down. Um, so it's teaching people what to do in the place of the negative behavior. And then the second thing about boundaries is asking for help. Like, really, um, you know, I'm I I tell my friends, right? Some of them don't like they're not at the same stage that I am. But I've also looked into my county has an office for aging. I'm looking into like what are some other support areas for me because I'm I'm I'm gonna burn out if I don't get the help that I need as a caregiver. I there's only so much I can give. Um and I realized that I needed to prioritize my health because I was getting to the point where my labs were not changing and I'm like doing all the things and I'm still pre-diabetic. So I literally had to look at myself before the end of 2024 and say, you have got to reduce your stress. You have got to get some help, and you cannot take on the world. So that like everything that you're saying is um really resonating with me.

Kristen: 42:40

Oh my gosh, Cynthia, that was such a powerful share. First of all, um just kudos to you and sending you lots of love because you're you're in a challenging season. You are in a challenging season. I've gone through much of that with my parents as well. So I understand that on a very personal and deep level. And I love that you mentioned not reacting out of anger and taking it slow. But my favorite thing is that you are willing to set boundaries that you had never set before for your personal well-being. And you really are having you have a beautiful awareness about what needs to happen here. And I'm really proud of you, and just keep going. Thank you so much.

Cynthia: 43:15

Thanks for having me on the stage.

Kristen: 43:17

You're welcome, Cynthia, and you're welcome anytime. And by the way, you guys, people who are new here, the first time you come up to my stage, you will get 200 vibes. We have a currency here on the app called Vibes, and you accumulate vibes through various means, listening to shows, banking steps, doing meditations and some of the workouts. Apparently, we have like a thousand plus videos on here of meditations and workouts, those type of things. So you accumulate vibes and then you can cash those in for a gift card, or you can donate them to a cause, your cause of cho um of choice that we have a list of causes that you can donate them to. So you will be getting 200 vibes. So thank you, Cynthia. I appreciate that. Now, just so you guys know, I send them out after the talk, and then they will just show up at some point. I have no control because it goes to a human being that receives an email and then goes through the emails and then sends the vibes. So usually it's within 24 to 48 hours. So I'm just letting you know, they do get done. They do get done. I get little green check marks that say done every time that that that happens. So, okay, we're gonna bring up Miss Laura to see what Laura has to say. Welcome, Laura.

Laura: 44:32

Hey, say thank you for clarifying that speaking up and boundaries can be two different two different things, even though they overlap, because it's hard to enforce your boundaries with others and teach them how to treat you without speaking up. Yet speaking up by itself is only um a tool, or it's part of uh being in empower, like when we pay for a service, where there is massage and you want to feel free instead of shy to say, you know, can you please apply more pressure or less pressure or you know, something that helps you get a better quality of your service by communicating and speaking up for yourself. And there are minor things such as telling your waiter that you want water without worrying about uh how they're gonna look at you. Maybe they'll say in their mind that you're cheap or you're eating on a budget, or their uh tip is not gonna be as big because the bill is not gonna be as big, so on and so forth, which is a minor thing. Whereas things such as someone being rude to you, as you explained it, or being um, let's say uh heaven forbid, abusive, or talking you, whatnot, uh, that might be uh illegal, it might be something that's immoral, it might be so it's basically the intensity, the frequency, the duration of the words the the person said to me in an abusive way, or the deeds that were abusive or annoying or bothering or irritating, irritating. And so I think uh I've learned something very important today. And um now that you mention it, I'm like, wow, that's so simple. How didn't I think about that? I was just basically confusing speaking up with boundaries because thank goodness uh I haven't had too many situations in my life lately, not in 2024 anyway, and until now, where people have been uh talking to me in a disrespectful way, or crossing my boundaries, or doing anything that was immoral, illegal, or life-threatening. Because those are the big ones, right? Threatening is the biggest one. Then illegal is also quite, you know, quite terrible. Not quite, it's really terrible. And then uh immoral, maybe it's not the end of the world, but still we don't want to let people like I heard somebody on the app said, you know, my best friend's or my friend's husband prop propose me to be his side piece. Oh my god, like that's so immoral. It may not be illegal. I mean, you can ask people to do whatever you want them to do for you, but that's that's still immoral to ask somebody something like that, right? I'm so glad I learned this today. Speaking of situations uh that I had to put my my foot down was start borrowing people money because I feel sorry for them. I got burned so many times, but you know what? I wanted to pass it on, so I don't necessarily regret losing those money because when I lose something, I'm trying to frame it positively, and I'm telling they probably need it more than I than I did, I do, or if somebody steals something from me, they probably needed it more than I did. It's wrong, but uh they didn't give me my body uh my money back that I lent to them.

Kristen: 48:05

Is it lent to them or they borrowed some or you loaned you loaned them money or you or you lent L-E N T lent to them? Thank you. I appreciate that help with language.

Robin: 48:19

Welcome back, Robin. Hi, Kristen. Hi I I've calmed down a little bit, so I thank Laura and Umalin for their support. I really do. Um, it's absolutely wonderful, and that's the beauty of this app is there are people that are willing to offer support. Maybe they don't know exactly what's going on um or never experienced it, but they're still willing to say, hey, I'm right here if you need someone. And I love it. Um thank you for reading the excerpts of your book. Um, I have it literally sitting right here next to me, which means um tomorrow morning I I'm gonna start reading it cover to cover. Nice.

Kristen: 49:04

Um yes, bring a little notebook so that you can make some notes too. I will, I will.

Robin: 49:12

I was thinking about your boundaries thing, and I know you were trying to teach about boundaries and how to treat them. So um I'm not sure if I told you this, but my daughter, the boyfriend, who was at the kind of top of my poop list, broke up with her just before Christmas. So she's going through some serious stuff, and she's moved back in with me. All I'm doing is I'm not giving any unsolicited advice. I'm just here to hear her and love her and protect her so we can also kind of join together and financially get through the next few months. So the boundary is I can't pay for anything beyond what is our basic needs. The boundary is you make so much money, you have to start contributing, you have to start budgeting, you have to figure this out. I know you still have to pay for the apartment that you left until August, but guess what? Now you are living here, there are some things that you need to kind of abide by.

Kristen: 50:26

That's right.

Robin: 50:26

Um, you know, it's it's my child, she's twice 27. I've lived with her for a lot of years, but honestly, she went and thought she was building a life for herself. She really did. She has belongings that you would think of that you would move into a home with, you know. So she's got some stuff. I said, okay, let's not unpack it because we're probably not going to stay here. So let's just minimize what we have. She says I already got rid of what I didn't want. She has set some boundaries on the other end with her man. I've set some boundaries with my ex. I'm very careful with the boundary because I don't want to lose the visitation with Lily. So that is a tricky situation. Like you said, that may be a one-on-one.

Kristen: 51:18

Sounds like you guys are in this position to really start healing together, you and your daughter.

Robin: 51:24

You know that you're not wrong healing house. Um she's so beautiful, I promise you. And I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter, but I guarantee you, she'll be healthier with me, stronger with me. We both are going through similar situations, so we can learn from one another. Again, I have learned to not talk and just not give unsolicited advice.

Kristen: 51:52

Big one.

Robin: 51:53

And just try to hear her out about certain things. But again, have boundaries. You're here, but that doesn't mean you're here on a free on a free ride. We've got to go through this, we've got to get through this together. That's the boundary. The boundary is.

Kristen: 52:29

It's purposeful what's happening then.

Robin: 52:32

Yeah. I can't do it anymore, but she may understand that. But thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you to Laura. Thank you to Umalin. Thank you to anybody else that's out there thinking about me and praying for me. I'll figure it out. You're welcome.

Kristen: 52:47

And our lovely Miss Jeanette was sending up some love as well. And Laura Strada. Thank you, Robin. You know what's interesting? I watch things from the outside. You guys know sometimes I have this like I see beyond the veil, is what my girlfriend calls it. And I see the I see what's what's transpiring in Robin's life right now and that of her daughters. And I I just wanted to say, Robin, relax, let go of control and allow yourself to be led because there's some there's some cool stuff happening, but you might miss the forest for the trees. So relax. Let go, allow yourself to be led. Okay, I have Nancy Nancy. Come on up. Let's see what you have to share today. Oh, I think that was an accidental join. No worries. We will just remove Nancy, no biggie. All right, you guys. Well, that's all I had to share with you today for part three of the boundary series. As I mentioned earlier, there's a part one and a part two. They are really impactful and very profound. I do read an excerpt out of my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, and it is the chapter called Setting Healthy Boundaries. So part one is a portion of it, part two is the middle portion of it, and part three that you just heard was the last portion of it. So you'll actually have the whole chapter read to you. I am very happy and proud of this chapter because it covered a lot of bases. It touched on a lot of things that people may not think were part of setting boundaries or that comes up for them and they don't know what to do because we've heard so many people say, just set a boundary, just set a boundary, but then it's not as easy as it seems. It's more difficult and we don't really know why. This chapter is designed to really give you all the ins and outs. And for those of you who have already purchased my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, don't be afraid to fast forward, jump around in that book and go into the boundaries chapter because you don't need really the first couple of chapters to set up the boundary chapter because boundaries are happening right now in real time. We need this in our life now. So feel free to jump ahead if you're having struggle or difficulties with somebody in your life and you know you need to set some healthy boundaries. That might just give you what you need in the interim. And then go back to where you were reading and continue forward. I want to say welcome to everybody who has been here today. We're getting a lot of new people on this app. It's really a powerful place to be. I hope that you recognize that. I hope that you're a person who is a seeker and you're just ready to up level your life. And if you are, you're going to love it here. As you can see, the community is ridiculously supportive. I mean, it is off the chart supportive. We have formed very tight connections, but that doesn't mean there's not room for you. A lot of the people who have joined the app joined just recently when Noom bought Wisdom and it turned into Noom Vibe. So the age of the app right now is about of Noom Vibe. It's about nine months old, ten months old. So it hasn't even, excuse me, reached a year old yet. They're doing a lot of changes constantly. They're upgrading things. Sometimes we have little glitches as they're working on stuff behind the scenes. But we just roll with it and flow with it. But here's what happens in communities like this when you come together and speak on topics that many people are interested in, you've got so many others' perceptions and perspectives and experiences and wisdom and questions, and not just that I'm speaking about or any of the other speakers. And it really makes these talks very bountiful. They're very robust, they're very full-bodied because there's so much different information coming in. You know what I'm saying? Where you might not click with one thing that one person says and then another person comes up, and just the way that they said it, they worded it and tweaked it, you might be like, oh my gosh, that clicked in a way that I never knew was possible. And all of a sudden, you're off and running because you have a new, a new perception of an old situation or a situation that you were confused about. And another reason why I want to implore you to really start setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with the people in your life because time just keeps ticking. And if you wait and wait and wait to do it out of fear, it could be 10 years later. And you could be wasted all, well, no time is really wasted, in my opinion, but you could have saved yourself 10 years of disrespect, dishonor, you know, some suffering that you might be going through based on the way other people are treating you. You have a say in this. And just like we heard our new sister, Cynthia, say, who is now caring for her elderly parents who have medical issues, and sometimes the way they were, she was treating her, and she was like, okay, here's how it's going to go down, guys. I love you, I'm here for you, and you don't get to yell at me. And like she said, they were quite shocked because, and I talk about this in my book, people are used to the status quo. But when we own our worth and we protect our well-being, and we go to speak up, maybe for the first time with someone, they likely might be shocked because they're not used to it. They're used to us just continuing to accept the status quo. But there's only one person in this world who can respect and protect you the most, and that is yourself. And when you do that, you will naturally and organically start to teach other people how to treat you. You have a say in this. You put yourself back in the power seat of your life, reclaim your personal power, and know that no matter what pushback you get from somebody, no matter how many excuses they make, or call you sensitive or tell you you're crazy, any of these things, when you know that you know that you know that their behavior is uncool, disrespectful, abusive, whatever it might be, then you are not wrong. And you are loving yourself to the best of your ability by setting healthy boundaries with people in your life. Hope you guys enjoy the rest of your weekend. So much love. Bye bye.