Empower Hour with KB

Break Free From the Inner Critic in Your Head

• Kristen Brown • Episode 7

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What if the harshest person in your life was you?

That constant inner critic telling you you’re not enough is more than just “negative self-talk” — it’s self-judgment in disguise. And it’s a dream thief. It kills your confidence, poisons your relationships, and keeps you from showing up as the version of you that’s magnetic, powerful, and free. The good news? That voice isn’t the truth — and once you learn how to quiet it, your whole life will change!

🌟 FREE Resources, Book Link, 1:1 Mentoring, KB's Self-Love Merch and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

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Kristen:

Well, hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Empower Hour with KB. My name is Kristen Brown. Today my topic is self-judgment, quieting the inner critic. I thought about the second sentence a couple times. Is it quieting the inner critic? Is it silencing? Is it managing? Is it working with? There were so many words that I could use in that place, but I decided to settle on quiet because the inner critic can be relentless and it can tend to show up for a majority of our life until we really get it handled. I decided that I was going to use quieting because it's really about shh shh shh, shushing that voice in our head, shushing that part of us that is constantly trying to defeat us, that's trying to keep us down, that's trying to keep us small and keep us stuck. So I'm going to ask you a question. If someone followed you around all day, saying the things you say to yourself, how would that make you feel? Would you want to hang out with them very often? How long would you tolerate it? Is that someone that you would want to be around? Oftentimes we can be the ones that are the harshest to us because we could have those people in our life that are like that. But many of us live with a harsh inner voice every single day that is putting us down, that is making us feel like something is wrong with us, or that we're unworthy, or that we should be shameful or embarrassed about who we are. So this talk is going to be about recognizing that voice. We're going to talk about understanding where it comes from, but most importantly, learning how to quiet it so that you can live and lead with more ease, more clarity, more confidence, and most importantly, self-worth. So if this is something that appeals to you, I invite you to stick around, grab a pen and paper, and take some notes. Because I will tell you something, there is something really powerful about writing down what you're learning. I heard this once and it made so much sense to me that when we actually take pen to paper, which is different than typing notes in, which is okay too. Sometimes we don't we only have that option because we don't have pen and paper nearby. Typing notes into our phones, I send myself emails all the time, all the time. I have one email address that I always send myself things. Actually, when I write outlines to my talks, I actually put them in an email and send it to myself because my inspiration comes at random times. And then I can print it off and you know, on my computer and things like that. But when we take pen to paper, what we're really doing is slowing down the brain. We're slowing down everything. And as we're writing, we're absorbing. And also it's something that we can go back and revisit later. I have so many notes. I have actually files in my file cabinets about particular topics, things that I was working on, and talks that I was in. I would write notes and then I would put them in these files. And so anytime that I, because I was re let me back up, because I'd go back and clean up my desk and like, oh, yeah, this was this was great. I don't want to just throw this away. So I would set it to the side. Eventually I thought, you know what, I'm just gonna make files and go back into those files anytime I felt like I needed a pick-me-up, a brush up, a reminder, these type of things. I'm gonna ask you all some questions and send up a clap if you relate to any one of these. And trust me, you will not be the only one. Have you ever caught yourself thinking or maybe even saying out loud, I'll never be good enough? I always mess everything up. I'm such an idiot. Why can't I get it right? There must be something wrong with me. No one cares about me. I'm so lazy and unmotivated. I don't deserve to be happy. I'm too much for people. They're just being nice. They don't actually like me. I should be further along by now. I'm too old. I'm such a failure. Why do I always ruin everything? Okay, not limited to these. Yes, I just got a back channel that says, oh my gosh, yes. And the list goes on, right? Because it's all personal to us. The things that we say to ourselves. And this is that that this is the inner critic who I also call the bully, the inner bully. Because self-judgment is so common to us that sometimes, believe it or not, this is gonna sound very strange, we can mistake it for motivation. We can mistake it for taking responsibility or humility. I've seen people say, you know, downplay things about themselves because they feel like they're being humble. And you'll hear me say, oh no, no, own it. Own it, sister brother. Don't say, well, you know, kind of nope, I don't, I let I make people own it. Because there's there's self-love in ownership. There's not arrogance. Well, some people there might be arrogance, but for the people who are trying to downplay, there's actually love in owning it. And love is a high vibrational frequency, and it's something that can serve us in the grand scheme of things. So we sit around playing small because we don't want to shine too brightly, because we're afraid that people are going to dislike us, because likely, for the most part, anytime we did shine too brightly, somebody was jealous. It made somebody insecure and something was said, and so we decided that's not good. But no, these days, I was thinking about this the other day. For those of you who listen to my talks a lot, and I see you in the queue, I'll be right with you. Those of you who listen to my talks a lot, uh, you might have caught me saying this like last week. At some point, I said that my first husband told everybody all the time, she's so smart, she's so smart. Well, she's really smart, you know, she's really smart. And I sat and thought about it, and I thought, you know, I am. And I owned it. But I didn't own it in arrogance, it didn't have some weird karmic backlash. It was just something that I needed to know about myself. And I owned that thing. And I sat with it and I thought about this a couple days ago. I thought, oh, Kristen, should you have said that? And I thought, yeah. Because I'm not in the business of unworthiness anymore. I'm in the business of owning who I am. And that's what we're talking about today is the inner critic is getting rid of that voice that is saying such harsh things to you. That inner bully will quietly eat away at your self-worth, your self-esteem, your confidence, your clarity, your decision-making capabilities, trusting your intuition, trusting your inner guidance. We are teaching ourselves that we're not enough. When truly we are enough, every single one of us. We are enough just as we are. But when we have that type of conversation going on inside of our head, that's a problem. Because it's going to keep us down. It's going to keep us low, and it's going to stop us from up-leveling. I'm getting a cueful. So next up is my dear, dear, dear brother, Kareem Hijazi. I highly recommend you guys give Kareem a follow. He's back on the app. He's from the wisdom days. Let me tell you, you will be glad you did. You will thank me.

Karim:

Thank you.

Kristen:

Welcome, brother. Thanks for coming up.

Karim:

My pleasure. It's so good to talk to you twice in one day so quickly. So really great to awesome topic. You know, it's funny, I I jumped on and I saw the uh the topic. And, you know, there's something akin to this that maybe we should do a talk on at some point, or I'll join you on another one of your talks, which is this impossible issue. And this occurs with work or in life in general, where they exactly what you're talking about, where that inner critic kind of manifests as this thing that you're not really who you think you are, you really can't do what you think you can do. And it's such a such an evil uh sort of nefarious goblin um that can get people. It's it's but it's it's pervasive. I mean, even the most confident of all of us, it can it can get in there. So I really like this topic. It's a powerful one. And it's a hard one to manage sometimes. So this is a good one.

Kristen:

I like that you brought up the nefarious goblin, and I'm gonna write that down because I'm literally the nefarious goblin, that's hysterical because part part of, and you're so great, you're such a wordsmith. But part of healing this, like one of the steps that I was gonna get to later, but I'll I'll share it now, is to name it. To in order to name that internal critic, what it does is it gives us separation from it so we don't think that it is who we are. And I made a list of names, like bossy Brenda or Fearful Fred, or the shame monster, harsh herald. Um, I call mine the fearful disclaimer. That's what I call mine the fearful disclaimer. And it's always trying to, you know, put me down and disclaim me. This the nefarious goblin, if anybody wants to pick that one up, right? Because we need to separate ourselves from this voice.

Karim:

You're right. You're right, absolutely. And it's interesting because you know, I I spent some time trying to figure out what the origins of this are from. You know, is it is it as simple as childhood traumas that kind of facilitated it, you know, where a parent might have said something or someone that you admired, or kids at school, or you know, or you know, as you as you progress through life, is it where you see people excel in such a way that they're just impossible to sort of live up to, or at least they pers that you perceive them to be, even though you might be just as capable. Cecilia joined right after you did, or after Dr. John did in my last talk, and she said, I haven't seen you in ages, and now I'm out there hosting talks and I'm doing this and I'm doing that. It was so good to hear her say that because it proved to me that people can bypass all these kind of completely two-dimensional concerns. That's all they are. They're papers. And um, but it's hard to see that sometimes. It's hard to really figure out how tangible they are because they feel daunting. That's the problem. That's a big one.

Kristen:

They're relentless until we recognize what's happening and they're subconscious. So they just keep going. If they started running the show back in childhood, it is a program that is running. It is literally like a computer program. So it just keeps going and going and going and going until we decide I don't want that program anymore. It takes time to unpack it and to dismantle it, but it's so doable.

Karim:

Yeah, exactly. It's breaking that cycle. It might be something as simple as someone listening to you right now that just needs to hit that join button, which is something that normally they wouldn't do, just like Cecilia was talking about. And it's taking those first steps of discrediting that discreditor, right? Where it's like, you don't really have that power over me. I'm gonna take that leap and then put yourself in that sort of quote unquote deep end, even if it's as simple as joining your talk now. That could be a really powerful way to break break through.

Kristen:

It is, and it's something that will not happen unless we make a decision to do so.

Karim:

Yeah.

Kristen:

It's not gonna happen by itself, it's gonna take effort. I had to do it too. I had a lot of fearful disclaimer. Oh my gosh, it was just screaming in my face all the time. But I took it one thought at a time, one belief at a time, and I dismantled them and I reframed them. And over time, that will become the new program. So much so that it just runs, it just runs the show rather than the old program.

Karim:

That's right. Exactly. And if it becomes exhilarating where you start to overcome it and then you get excited about that change, other broader, bigger ones, those those things that hold you back even more start to fade. They don't they don't have quite the grip. So I like the idea of starting smaller, which is really great. Awesome topic, Kristen. And uh I'll be joining your show consistently from now on. This is fantastic.

Speaker 7:

Oh, thank you, Kareem. I'm so glad you're back. Thanks. Thanks for coming in.

Speaker:

You got it. Bye-bye.

Kristen:

Kareem Hijazi, everybody. Uh, he was a staple in the wisdom community, took a hiatus from the app because he had things that he was uh dealing with in his professional life and whatnot. And he's back. And I couldn't be more happy. I heard him a day or two ago and I was like, what? I was so incredibly excited. So thank you, Kareem, for coming back. And I do highly recommend anybody who's following me, or I'm sorry, on here right now, listening to give Kareem a follow. He's off the stage now, but you can click the number of people in the room. I believe it's in your upper right-hand corner. Click that, scroll down, hit that little person icon, and give Kareem a follow because he's he's he spoke on his talk earlier this morning that he's looking to be very consistent to join the stages. So definitely give Kareem a follow. But I love where Kareem went with, you know, where does this come from? And that's one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about because just understanding where it comes from, we don't have to dig too deeply into it. The fact is that it's there. And you can even call it a wound. The wound is there. We don't really know that we don't have to know that you, you know, cut it on a nail or cut it on a, well, I guess you need to know if it cut it on a nail. Let's say you cut it on a piece of glass or you cut it on a rock or whatever it might be. It's just that it's there and we need to deal with it. But it does help us to understand where these things come from, knowing that it's something outside of us. It came from outside of us. It doesn't come from the root of who we are. So this can come from childhood conditioning, it can come from a trauma that happened, it can come from disapproval, it can come from punishments, it can come from cultural and societal messaging, where people compare themselves or they're seeking perfectionism. And of course, it can come from our unmet emotional needs. So they can come from all over the place. But the fact is, is that it's there, and we must be willing to own it, see it, recognize it so that we can apply the healing tools that can quite literally remove it. Okay, thank you, Jeanette, for joining me. I'm so glad that you're here. Let's see what Jeanette has to share. Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Janette:

How are you? I'm well, thank you. I my uh the inner critic in my head is my mother's voice. Mm-hmm. The solution to that is to have a stronger voice than what she does. And um, you know, I have found my voice. Now that doesn't mean that some of that stuff hasn't been instilled in me, and I still have to work on it because things come up, insecurities come up mostly. Uh I just have to be stronger. I have to be stronger, and and my voice has to be louder. Yes. I just thought I'd contribute that.

Kristen:

And Jeanette, with the truth.

Janette:

Yes, yes. Yes, I am not the failure that they would have had me believe that I was. I am not. I am a successful woman.

Kristen:

Mm-hmm.

Janette:

That's right. That little cringing child that uh had to hear all those things.

Kristen:

Yes, and it's so unfortunate that that that happens. It's one of the most painful things. I can't even hardly watch it in a TV show or you know, some type of movie. If I'm what I just cringe, I'm like, I'm gonna fast forward through that scene, or I'll stop watching the show because I I can't stand to see little kids being treated like that. But it happens, and it happens to us, and we have the ability as an adult to turn that around and to change that and reparent that whole experience right out of us.

Janette:

Exactly. Exactly. So I I feel like sometimes I talk about it on here too much, but uh you know, it's somebody needs to hear it. I don't know who you are today, but uh you've heard it. So I hope it helps.

Kristen:

Absolutely. I don't, I don't, Jeanette, I've never heard you be repetitious. Everything has always been so relevant to each conversation. And what you brought up is a really, really powerful point is what's the origin of this voice to name it as your mother's, because sometimes these judgmental voices, these bullies in our head, they're they're not even their ego, it's just a repeating tape from somebody else. Something that somebody said to us. And I had a few of those too. And to this day, there's one that sticks, and I have to constantly work on that one. And that's when my dad patted my belly and said, suck it in. When I was this skinny little archy back kid, and my belly stuck out, and I was like, Oh, my there's something wrong with my belly. So to this day, I have to say, no, there's nothing wrong with my belly. You know, 58 years old, I'm still taught, I'm still working on that belly wound. That was I was probably seven or eight.

Janette:

Wow.

Kristen:

Yeah. You were just a baby. Yeah, and I'm sure that society and what the beauty standard is and all these types of things contributed to it and probably kept watering it and fertilizing it.

Janette:

Oh, yeah.

Kristen:

But it was, yeah, so I I have too. That's one thing that I still to this day I'm like, doesn't matter, it's all good. Your body's beautiful, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Janette:

Well, I just say it's gotten me this far.

Kristen:

Yeah, that's right. That's right. Thank you so much, Jeanette, for coming up. I always appreciate your voice and your heart and your wisdom.

Janette:

Thank you, Krista.

Kristen:

Have a good day. You too. Thanks, Jeanette. All right, let me take a sip of water because my voice is still a little weird. And the queue filled up and it went back down again. So if anybody's interested in joining this talk, please do. So let's see. Okay, two people popped in real fast. So we have Jennifer Bailey and then we have Miss Rachel. Jennifer, thank you so much for coming up.

Jennifer:

Hey, I'm going to have to listen to this from the beginning because I've been running in and out of some offices. And um, it's a great topic. Something Jeanette said resonated with me. And my inner critic, I think when I was younger, it was my mom's voice. Um, my parents really did nothing like that. It was intentional. They're truly. My mom was freshman 15 pounds going off to college, and that summer was, well, let's do a weight program together. And I really didn't need one, obviously. And it makes me sad now because she still carries that feed, and I'm now fifty six. So she's Much older. That's a long time and she still carries it. It makes me sad. Um but the inner critic I had, why aren't I more successful? Why aren't I doing this? Why aren't I doing that? The expectation just because was that I would go on and do some sort of graduate school, probably medical school, and I thought that sounded wonderful, and then I didn't. And kind of foundered it. And so much value. And again, this was not intentional, but so much value was placed on what you did about what you saw.

Kristen:

Oh Jennifer, we lost you. Yeah, it's it's kind of it's kind of clicking in and out. We're having weird kind of um chirpy sounds in the back. I unplugged my phone, maybe that will help.

Jennifer:

Oh, you're so good now. Oh good. I had it plugged into the charger, but you know, and then societal expectations and peer group expectations and parent-to-peer group expectations and what everyone else was doing, and and I'd internalized so much of that. I didn't really think about who I was. I just knew what I was going to do. But then when I didn't do that, well then who was I? And that was a struggle for a while. I'm sure that had something to do with my my alcoholism, my my descent. But, you know, 19, almost 19 years sober, and and if I had a lot of opportunities to become who I want to be, and I'm not there yet, but I'm pretty happy. And that's what silenced that inner critic is me really accepting all the parts of myself the good, the bad, the great, the the needs of improvement. And a couple months ago, my mom offhand said, she said, Why don't you have a job like all my friends' kids? And my dad looked at her like, Are you crazy? And he said she has a job. And she said, Yes, but it doesn't pay. And it is full-time, and it's the nonprofit, and no, I'm not getting paid. Um but I recognized very much that that comment was not about me, it was about her. That she wasn't able to tell her friends these good things. And she doesn't come down and participate because she can't physically. You know, and it's just and it's about her, it's not about me. So if I'm going to criticize myself, it's going to be for a good reason that maybe I need some improvement somewhere or I made a mistake and then how do I rectify it? Um, but that inner critic was very loud for a long time. Really becoming happy with myself is in embracing all of myself and working to be my best self. Those are the things that silenced my inner critic. And the the wait one, that was hard, you know, because I've been all over the map. All over the map. And um I remember, you know, I was at the at the pool and then wanted to go to the pool when you've been in the house ten years, nine years ago. And oh man, I just didn't want to do that. But I went because I don't want him to absorb bad bad messages. And I just had to repeat to myself, it was a mantra, my body serves me well, my body serves me well, my body serves me well, and just walk around. That's right, that's right. And it was super uncomfortable. And you know what? That was all in my head. Nobody else there was even looking at me. Everyone was having a good time.

Kristen:

They're not paying attention, they're paying attention about themselves.

Jennifer:

Yes. So anyway, that was realizing that as well was more freeing.

Kristen:

Such a beautiful share, Jennifer. Love you. Bye-bye. I love you. Bye, Jennifer. That was such a beautiful share. And I love the part that she said, it's not me, it's her. Because here's what's interesting, Jennifer. I hope you're still listening. If my son or daughter was doing what you were doing, because you said, well, she doesn't have any good things to share, to me, I would be so proud. I'd be, you know what my daughter does in a day? Do you know what she does? She feeds homeless people and she runs around and gathers food and does this and cooks it. And oh my gosh, like I'm in awe of you. You know that. I'm in awe of you. So yeah, it's just so interesting how sometimes people have ideas of what we are supposed to be doing, but understanding where that voice is coming from is so incredibly helpful. When we talk about healing the inner critic, I already talked about externalizing it by giving it a name, uh, such as a persona, and I mentioned those names like bossy Brenda, Fearful Fred, the shame monster, the ego. I often call it the ego. Kareem called it the nefarious goblin, which I love. I call it the fearful disclaimer. When I hear that voice going, I know it's my ego, and I've called it the fearful disclaimer. It can also be mom's voice, dad's voice, boss's voice, partner or husband or wife or spouse voice. It could be best friend voice from seventh grade. Understanding the origin of it is so incredibly helpful because we detach from it. We create space between us and the thing. And when we create space, we're not believing it, mulling it over, feeling the emotions from it, and then playing small and lacking confidence and self-esteem and self-worth and being afraid and not taking you know calculated risks to move forward in our dreams, or even just risky risks. When we create that space, that that's somebody else that created that, or that was the trauma that created that. Or that's my ego just trying to keep me small. We create space and then we can work with it. And like Jeanette was saying, that she reframed it, and I said, and she reframed it into the truth. That's what's most important, is that we reframe it into the truth. I talk about truth on on here a lot because this is how I did and still do to this day, a majority of my healing work is by attaching to what is true and what is not true. Because when it's when it's true, I can jump on board with it. So why am I believing something that actually is not true? Welcome, Rachel. Thanks for coming up. Thank you.

Rachel:

I'm a different. I wish I would have got to hear the whole thing. I've been running up and downstairs packing a car. I did get to hear some of it. And what I heard was really good. And just speaking of Miss Bailey, I'll say when I decide to grow up, I would love to be just like her.

Kristen:

I know she's so amazing.

Rachel:

She is amazing. I I brag on her to people I know. I'd like I have a friend on Noom Vibe, and she she's awesome. She's out there feeding the homeless and she's organized this thing all by herself. Now she does delegate and stuff, but it started with her. We'll go there. But the inner critic, I was my worst. And I'll I'll put a little thing in everybody's head, especially since Kareem said nefarious gobbling. It made me think of that scene from Lord of the Rings where Gollum is arguing with himself. Like the one's trying to be positive, and the other one's like, they're not your friends, they don't do this. And he it keeps coming back at him. Like the two sides of himself are arguing, like the Smeagol side and the Gollum side. And the one is the critic, and it keeps giving all the feeding him all the negative. And he finally puts his hands over his ears and he's like, I'm not listening, not listening. And now when I start talking negative to myself, I see that in my head of him going, I'm not listening, I'm not listening. I love it. And then he finally, at that point, he decided to tell it to go away and never come back. And was surprised when it was gone. Because he had the power to do it. And I have to keep telling my inner critics to go away and never come back. It was such a good movie. By everybody that my inner circle, the ones that love me most, you are your own worst critic. And I'm learning not to be. Are there slips? Yes, there are. But if I don't catch it, they've become bolder in catching it. Like y'all brought up the weight. I was saying something about it just the other day, and my mom looks at me and she's like, Don't make me go on NuVob because you are not your weight. And I'm like, Okay, okay. I do too. She's awesome. I was blessed because that woman is awesome.

Kristen:

You know, when my inner critic speaks up, I do things like, no, oh, nope, nope, clear, clear, clear, clear. You know, I'll do like, you know, like like um, like the dog's gonna get in the garbage and like, hey, nope, get out of the garbage. It's like, I'll do whatever I need to do just to break, boom, like snap a line between that and me going too far with it. Because if we go too far with it, we keep going and keep going, keep going. Next thing you know, we're depressed and anxious. It does.

Rachel:

Because if you give it an inch, it'll take a mile. Yes. Yep. I've learned, like you said, to be like, nope. And like I said, I put golem in my head going, not listening, not listening.

Kristen:

But that's great. Seeing how you devise something that works for you, that's what I'm encouraging everybody to do.

Rachel:

And especially now that he's it's like got the name Nefarious Goblin, it's gonna bring it up even more. And before I finish my awesome share, I will tell you that I actually went past my past people pleasing this weekend and asked for something because it served me. Wow, Rachel, that's amazing. I have a friend, she's treating me to a couple days away. She has a free hotel and she's she's like, oh, and it's smoking room, is that okay? And I'm kind of at first I was like, yeah, then I came back. I'm like, you know what? It's gonna set my allergies crazy. Is it okay if we go in non-smoking? It's just like a problem. And I'm like, that was so much easier. Why did you build that up in your head and worry over it for like hours and then talk yourself into asking when it was so easy? It was so easy. You did it, and I did it, you did it, and now I get to enjoy a nice non-smoking room.

Kristen:

Well, smoking rooms are pretty gross smelling.

Rachel:

They are. I'm normally one of those people that if I sneeze once, it's gonna be 40.

Kristen:

You just timed out, Rachel. Yeah. Oh my gosh, like me when I was recovering from this virus, it was so weird, like about seven, six days, I don't know how long into it, all of a sudden it was this sneezing thing. It was just sneezing, sneezing, sneezing, sneezing all day long. But I knew that was part of it because my son had gone through it, my husband had gone through it. It was really interesting. It was very, very interesting. But I understand, like once you start sneezing, you keep going. Oh my goodness. Next up we have Terry and Hello my precious. Yeah.

Terry:

Precious. And um he said he'd never do that voice again. But he does do it on the screen. Yeah. It really um messes w with your vocal cords, apparently. Put so much strain on them. Yeah, quite fascinating. And I only read that the other day, funny now. Um yes, now the devil and the angel on either shoulder. It's it it's it's a bit like um it's an analogy or a metaphor for our um our filter, our own i internal filter. Because energy is energy, isn't it? You you know this, Kristen. Energy is energy, and it's how you use it. Emotion, energy emotion, that's all emotion is it's energy. Uh, internal filter is something that we need to be aware of. And when we sort of have this um self-judgment, it it's coming from uh a sense of lack, isn't it? When we we're not good enough, you know. Or humility and humbleness, you know, and oh I'm not good enough for that, and um I know my place. And and sometimes it comes from what you've been told as you've been growing up. Again, it all goes back to when we're young and um we're told sometimes things stick quite inner critic. I always um if if ever I get I'll get those that devil on my shoulder coming and trying to tell me um something, now I recognize it. Whereas I didn't used to in the past, but now I know it for what it is. I'll have a little chat with it. But thank you for letting me know. You know, you serve your place, but not to die.

Kristen:

Yes, I agree with that, Terry. I love that. I I love that you said that, because this is important for people to understand is that at first it's gonna be very unconscious. You're not even gonna know, it's just gonna be running ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, saying all the things that it says, and and you're gonna be acting from that space because that's what we do, that's how it's designed. But when we slow down and start to say to it, to me, it was by accessing my emotions and understanding if I'm feeling small or I want to hide or not confident or lacking or nervous, these types of things. I'm like, okay, what do you believe in, Kristen? What's going on? And there was always some voice, like you said, saying something yucky. I was like, all right, all right. And so I started to really pay attention to that, and it gets easier, you guys. It's just like anything we train ourselves to do. I I started to hear the voice faster, and then, like we said, we we can implement some tools to interrupt that pattern.

Terry:

And whenever you're feeling at a sort and um you're um discord, uh what what's the word?

Kristen:

Discombobulated.

Terry:

Yeah, and uh other similar words. Um, yeah, when you when you're feeling like that, it's it's that is a sign that something needs is coming up for transformation. Right. And yeah, it's um it is it is um all part of the human experience and the life journey, and um always remember that um everybody else is facing this battle. Enjoy it as well, ultimately. Even even because you can pat yourself on the back once you've recognized this and come through it. Oh, I did well there. And uh kudos to you, and happy Easter, and um thank you very much.

Kristen:

Thank you, brother. Thank you so much. Kudos to you, happy Easter back to you. I love you, bunches, appreciate you coming up, and I think you're reading my notes. Do you have like a satellite over my house, Terry? Because everything that you said is what I was gonna bring up, and I'm really, really happy for that. Because one of the things that's really powerful and for us to know is that again, when we give ourselves the kudos, the pat on the back, the high five, the hug, whatever it might be, when you get through one small thing, remember, we're retraining ourselves in the same way. Don't take this wrong, but the same way dogs are trained by praise or treats, you're supposed to find out what it is that they respond the best to. You have to find out what you respond the best to. That's how we train a dog. They do the right thing, they get a treat, or they get praise, or they whatever. We all do the same thing with us. We have to reinforce that into our mind. So, man, the days that I turned stuff around and felt better, I was like, right on. The other day, this is important. I'm gonna tell you guys this. I don't know if it's how relevant it is because I don't think it was inner critic. It wasn't inner critic, but it's an example of turning things around. I woke up the or I don't even know what happened, you guys, but you know me. I'm rarely grumpy and rarely irritable, but it but when it comes, it's almost funny. It's really almost funny to me because I'm like, wow, I am really irritable today. And um, I don't take it out on anybody or anything like that, but I definitely am like, you know, I have this kind of thing to me. And I noticed it and I recognized it. And I said to my husband, well, I know how to wake up tomorrow, this will be gone. I'm just, you know, processing through some things. The next day I woke up, I was still that little grumpy. And you know what I said? Okay, I took yesterday to process. I woke up today crumpy too, and this is now a choice. You can choose to be focusing on these things you're grumpy about, or you can look outside and see how beautiful this world is and how healthy you and your family are. And blah, blah, blah, blah. It went on and on. Look, I looked at my dog. I sat and pet my dog, and I'm like, I have you, Wesley. This is all that matters. And I switched it, and let me tell you something. Boom, I was out of it and didn't come back. But what did it take? It took, first of all, honoring my emotion. It was, it was a purposeful drump grump because I was, I don't want to spiritually bypass the things that I'm feeling. So I was purposeful grump, got through that, but it could, I could have let it linger, and I'm not about lingering. I'm about getting back up, rising myself back up again. Such a great conversation, you guys. My last point I'm gonna make before I bring up my next guest is using self-awareness. Touched briefly on this, but I really want to drive this point home. That when you're feeling stuck, low, uninspired, unmotivated, you think there's something wrong with you, you're never gonna get there, you're in comparison mode, you feel depressed, any of these lower vibe emotions. Ask yourself what is it that you're believing to be true about you? What is it that you're believing to be true? How are you talking to or about yourself? Is this your voice? Is this some messaging I picked up from my youth or or yesterday from something somebody said? It doesn't always have to be from our youth. It could be something a boss said 10 years ago or a client or your child. Sometimes things just stick and say, Is this serving my highest good to believe this thing? No. And then you replace that negative statement with something loving and kind, and this is called self-compassion, which is my third self-love tenant. As you guys know, and listen to me for months and months now, some of you a year, self-love tenants, doesn't it always come back to them? It always does. So right now we're doing self-love tenant number four, positive, supportive, uplifting, self-talk, and compassion. Be gentle with ourselves. So let's say with something like I'll never be good enough. You could replace that with I am enough exactly as I am, and I'm always growing. Let's use I always mess everything up. You can say, I make mistakes sometimes, like everyone, and I learn from my mistakes and grow from them. Do you see what I'm saying? Don't stop at the thing. Find a better feeling, truth about the thing. And then be willing to repeat it. And if it comes up again, repeat it again. We learn through repetition. That's how we learn. Hi, Laura. Thanks for coming up.

Laura:

Great talk. Wow, the shares, Rachel. Jennifer, Terry, wow, it's amazing. You bring out the best in all of us. I'm so grateful for you. Hey, I just um realized what my inner critic was telling me about what my inner critic was telling me that was stopping me from taking a whole day of rest. I I took not just one day of rest, but two, like Saturday and Sunday. I didn't even go to church yesterday for Easter, but my husband wasn't feeling well, so we both just kind of you know stayed home and it was fine. And I'm sure the church is still standing, you know. I realized that what I had in my mind was that the inner inner critic was telling me that if I take a day, a whole day of rest, uh heaven forbid too, I might enjoy it so much and I might get out of the groove and I might be never able to get back into being you know productive and efficient and just just uh just getting back into full force. And so I think that's what what didn't didn't really let me get there, but of course it also helps that it's the start of my spring break and that I didn't have to get ready for work today, per se. But I realized I have one of the things that my inner critic is telling me is if you if you take a longer break, if you rest up for too long, and that's not just with rest, that's with other things. For example, if I allow myself to be honest about you know certain requirements I have, kind of like in the line of standing up for for myself for my own needs, like like Rachel said, hey, I asked for a non-smoking room. It's like this little bit of anxiety that if I do that, I it might it might feel too nice, I might end up doing it all the time and become selfish and unconsiderate. As if that was possible after all these years of programming, to be a good Christian and a good Romanian girl and woman, and now a good Romanian American lady and a good teacher and a good Christian and a good this and that. Even just little things like that, it was the inner critic all along. Just like you were talking with with Jennifer, they never really even looked on me or cared about me. I mean, that gave me the freedom that I needed to even post on TikTok, like dancing in the middle of the street or sing singing karaoke. Figured here's the music. That's my chance, yeah. Of course, it I'm not saying it's downright easy, but in the same time, let I I have to quiet that inner critic down. Thank you. Bye.

Kristen:

Laura, first of all, I can hear the smile in your voice as you're speaking today, and it just makes me so happy. Also, that is such a profound point. I resonate so much with that, and that's wow, do you see what you got she what she nailed down, y'all? That was something that was pretty incredible. She said, I realized that I don't allow myself to rest because of I'm afraid I'm gonna like it too much and then I'm not gonna get anything done. And I I thought ding ding ding ding. I was like sitting on my hands, zipping my lips shut, don't say anything, just let her talk. Because I that's I so resonate with that. And what I learned about me when I had that thought at some point, what I learned about me was I can only stay down for so long. I'm kind of a production girl. I like, I like to be productive. I can only stay down for so long, and then I gave myself permission to rest whenever I want to because I know I'm gonna pop back up again. And I'll even give myself permission during a work day, like today, if, like, you know, my my eyes are burning or they're tired or something. I'll close my eyes for 20 minutes. I'll do, I'll do an hour meditation right smack in the middle of my day. I give myself that now, depending on what I have going on that day, because I want to be the best caregiver of myself. So I want to use a couple more examples of how we can turn around those statements, how we can reframe this inner critic. Let's say the voice is saying, No one cares about me. How we can turn that around is there are people who truly care about me and I'm worthy of love and connection. Because it is true of all people. There is somebody who truly cares about you. Even Jeffrey Dahmer was loved. There is someone who truly cares about you. And why are you focusing on the one that don't, the ones that don't? That used to be me, not anymore. Now it's like don't need that. Another one we could turn around is I'm so lazy and unmotivated. We can turn that into I'm allowed to rest. And I tr oh, we just talked about this, and I trust that my motivation will return when I'm ready. A next one is a limiting belief could be I don't deserve to be happy. We can turn that into happiness is my birthright, and I'm worthy of joy and peace. I'm too much for people. My full, authentic self is a gift. And the right people appreciate me just as I am. Here's another critic saying, Yeah, they're just being they're just being nice. They don't actually like me. I am lovable and deserving of genuine kindness and connection. You see how we can turn these around and how let me look back on one of these. Let's say they're I'm too much for I'm too much for people. That's a very definitive statement. I'm too much for people. Are you really? I'm I'm here to tell you, I like people that are a lot. They entertain me. There's always something to talk about. They're interesting. If I need to have a boundary or I need quiet time or need whatever, I just speak up. And what I've noticed is they're so willing to give that to me. How about us out here that love that too muchness? I love it. I love the, you know, my son I told you the other day was cringing because I was singing in the car. My voice is so crackly and terrible right now. I was singing a Led Zeppel song out loud, a cappella. We had just talked about how, you know, what what song would you choose? And I said, for karaoke. If someone said, right now I'll give you a million dollars, but you have to sing a karaoke tune. I said, okay. And I just picked a tune, a Led Zeppelin, because I can sing it low. It's kind of a low, brooding tune. Not too brooding. But anyway, that's what I picked. So I started singing it. My son was cringing. And I could tell, I could feel his energy. It was poking me. In the he's in the driver's seat, I'm in the passenger seat. Are you cringy? I said, Is this making you cringe? He goes, Mom, did you could you tell my hand was reaching towards the volume on the radio to turn it up? And I said, Yeah. And then I looked at him so gently and I said, But I'm never gonna stop. This is who I am. Never it gives me joy. And he goes, Well, I'm not asking you to stop. He was really, really sweet about it. The song was Ramble On. Uh, Deb, Deb just asked what song she's a Zeppelin fan, too. But I also want to talk about the next step with this, which is to stay consistent, but not perfect. We're not looking for perfection ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ad nauseum infinity in the healing world. There is no perfection. Even in nature, no two flowers look the same. There is no perfection. And we weren't designed to be perfect. And we were there's gonna be times when there has been times in my past where my inner critic got the best of me. Oh yeah. And I noticed because I was maybe nervous to get on wisdom or get on new vibes some days. And I was like, what is going on here? Like, why I'm I'm not ner what am I nervous about? Oh, you've been telling yourself blank blank blank. No wonder why you're nervous because that's not nice. There's times it can get the best of us, so this is never about perfection. Just take that even take that out of your vernacular, period. You're not gonna be perfect at this at first because we're retraining a program and it's relentless and it's on repeat and it's a tape that just starts over from the beginning and just keeps playing until we stop it. But through the repetition and through the consistency, we can. When I tell you guys that my old programs that used to run about certain things, they're gone. They're not even here anymore. Like I told you, the one about my belly, that one still pops up, but I think again, that has to do with other things too. But there's some that are like they're not even a thing anymore because I worked on them consistently. I did not let that inner bully run my life. And I did whatever I needed to do. Stop, cancel, clear, get the that thought right out of here. That's my friend Andy Dooley uses little different choice words. Stop, cancel, clear. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I don't care what you do. Recognize it, give it a name. I typically call it the ego or the fearful disclaimer, but you can give it a little silly name if you want. Yeah. Uh Terry just said cancel, clear, clear, delete. Yep. Also, you know, control all delete. That's a good one, too, which I think is the same thing that he's saying, right? Give it a name and recognize when it's talking to you and know that it's not the part of you, the whole part of you. It is a limiting, fearful, lying space inside of you that is trying to keep you stuck. Because a lot of times we think, you guys, if we have this voice going on in our head, it's going to protect us. Many times we think, oh no, but this voice protects me. It stops me from doing things that I shouldn't be doing. It keeps me from failing, it can keep me from rejection, it can keep me from making a fool out of myself, these type of things. But really, is it doing that? Isn't risk required to extract the most out of life? I say yes. Okay, next up we have truth, and then we have Mary Truth.

Truth:

Welcome up. This is actually my first time speaking at all on this app. I'll try to. Yeah, I'm glad I found this community. Um, it's pretty awesome. I feel like it's kind of one of the things that I've been like looking for, a community of connection that really like wants to speak about these higher level things of self-work. Um, because I feel like there's not enough out there, really. So super grateful. I've listened to a few of your a few of yours like at not live, just as I've been kind of like going through and I really resonate uh with the work that you do. So very grateful for you as well. Um, and I love this topic today about the inner critic. Um, I think for me this is something that I've been struggling with for a long time. My healing journey has really been over the past three years. Um, and something that I've found with the inner critic is through my inner child work and my shadow work, I realized that the inner critic actually isn't my voice. It's the other people's voices in my lives that helped program me to that negative thinking that told me I was too much or not enough or whatever it was. So that's like kind of what I want to share is just like what's been super, super helpful for me is getting really curious. Like when I do have that voice that tells me something negative, I get really inquisitive and I'm like, well, whose voice is that? Who's telling me that? Why are you saying that? And so I try to like, and I actually like have a conversation with the voice sometimes, understand a little bit more where it's coming from, and being able to do that has really helped break it down and release it. When I started out, I was kind of like just with the aggressive, like, no, no, be quiet, go away. But it doesn't just go away, like it's programming. So it definitely, I think like the curiosity is just something that I've found to be extremely helpful. So I just wanted to share that.

Kristen:

That is excellente. That is so good. Yes. Getting curious, digging within, figuring out what it's all about, where is it coming from? Is it yours? And I love that you said, and break it down and release it. Because that's really pulling it out at its root and saying, this isn't even mine. However, sometimes that doesn't mean it's one and done, does it? It might come back a couple times. Yeah.

Truth:

Absolutely. I mean, like it's never been a one and done for me at all. So yeah, that's a really great point, is it's definitely like it's a lot of conversations for sure. Um, and a lot of time. And then, but each time it's like I still celebrate the wins. Like if I notice myself being able to like step out of it a little bit sooner or recognize it a little bit faster, it's like that's a win rather than like focusing on the fact that I still let the voice come up. I'm like, but I transmuted it faster. So like I'm still winning.

Kristen:

Yes. Yeah, you're you're doing all the things, truth.

Truth:

It's it's been rough. It's been a very challenging three years, but I'm so grateful that I am doing the work because I can look in I looked in the mirror yesterday and like I smiled and like unprompted. It wasn't a practice or anything. I just told myself that I loved myself and that I'm beautiful. Things that three years ago I never could have said. I would look in the mirror and just start crying and be like, I hate you so much. Why can't you just be normal? Yeah, because I was still undiagnosed ADHD at that point. Like I had turned 40. I didn't know I had ADHD, the highly sensitive child diagnosis that everyone like told me growing up that like I was just being overdramatic, that like my needs weren't real, all that stuff. Um, and it finally like been recognized and then came to a platform where I was able to learn about it as well through my therapy. So it was like, oh, okay, like everything about me isn't just inherently wrong. My brain works different.

Kristen:

And you stayed the course. And this is what I stress a lot is that there you're a prime example of what healing looks like. It's like, okay, I don't like the way this whole thing is going down. I'm going to start implementing some practices. I'm gonna stay consistent. And it led you to what today or yesterday, or whenever you said, where you looked in the mirror and you smiled and you said, I love you. It's it works, you guys. It works. True, thank you. Thank you, thank you. And I hope that you come up again. I really do. I hope that you stick and stay here and come up again and share your wisdom because this is what it's all about. This is all about people sharing their experiences because yeah, I can I can talk the whole time. Yeah, sure. But this is a it what really makes this stew complete is when everybody brings their own particular spice. There's something so beautiful about that. Hi, Mary. Thanks for coming.

Mary:

Self-judgment. Woo-hoo. So the one thing that I have to say is when you're in any situation where someone is judging you, because that's where our inner judgment, I truly believe it starts with, because we're not born to judge ourselves, we're not born putting ourselves down. Feels like just had the best sleep leap tea beaten out of you, and it leaves you broken and hurt because someone has just used you for their proverbial verbal fist. It is judgment and their words are lies. Number one. So many people don't know how to tell the difference between lies and oh my god, it must be true. Oh my, you know, because they think this and this one thinks that. No. There's a big difference between someone speaking truth out of love and helping you by being constructively crit you know, and I hate to say the word constructively or constructive criticism. I hate the criticism I think needs to come out of there, but trying to help you with words of love. Right? Criticism is so bad to say that no matter how you're trying to put it, right? Criticism is criticism. Exactly. Anyway, you know, please continue. Yeah, if they're constructively trying to help you with words of love to help you grow. But there is a complete difference out of speaking words of love to help you, and if you are truly left feeling as if someone just beat the hell out of you. That's right. With their verbal fists, there's the difference, is that it slides because then what happens is we have then for ourselves, we have two things that we need to overcome. We have their voice and inner critic, and then we have the voice that we have developed of our own inner critic based on what we've heard from them all our lives. I think sometimes we add to it. No, you know, they might have said things like you're worthless, you're this, you're that, and then we can add to it by finding reasons why we're worthless.

Kristen:

That's exactly right. That's a very great point. I'm glad you brought that up because that does happen.

Mary:

Yeah. Why, well, why did he think I'm worthless? Because then that's where the um cognitive distract or not distractions, you know, distortion comes in, you know, where we think we know what people think, right? We're certain that we know what they're thinking. Well, they said I'm worthless because I'm fat, or they think that I'm worthless be or they said I'm worthless because I don't know how to cook this, or you know, just whatever reason. We fill in the blank. And we believe then everybody thinks it's about us. So we essentially have two things to overcome. For me, when I started getting over these things was when I started changing what I did. Yes, we need to overcome the voices, but we have to work, you know, we have to do it in two ways simultaneously. And it's about telling ourselves better things. But for me with perfectionism, I had to get over that by telling myself I didn't have to be perfect, but by saying to myself too, relax with being perfect with your homework or take a break and and don't push yourself so much.

Kristen:

Mm-hmm. Yes, it's becoming our own best advocate. Like I talk about all the time. It's about taking careful, careful consideration of ourselves. Really slowing down and paying attention to the self. That's why I have self as one of my tags here. The self is so important. Deb Deb, we have no audio on you. Oh no, Deb. I'm gonna give you a couple seconds to see if you can fix that. Not. Oh, there you are.

Deb:

Am I here?

Kristen:

You're here.

Deb:

Yay.

Kristen:

Okay.

Deb:

Wasn't sure. I got lost in the land of oblivious. Oh boy, this resonates. And I wholeheartedly proclaim, yes, I am and have been for most of my life my own worst critic. Yeah. And since coming here last year, I have been actively working on it and it's gotten better. But am I totally there yet? Oh, by no means. I just had to catch myself yesterday with something got into my head, and I'm like, uh-uh, back up. The main thing is that I realize it and I do back and change the thought or the word or whatever I did. It it is a process, it does not go away overnight, especially when I had the better part of 60 years of learning it.

Kristen:

That's right.

Deb:

I count each little each little glimmer as progress, you know, absolutely. And as another group, I am a card carrying member of, you know, has said repeatedly, it's progress, not perfection. Because there really is no such thing as per. And for too much of my life, I strive to be that perfect child, or that perfect student, or that perfect friend, and still, you know, got rolled up into a ball and tossed in the wastebasket more times than I could ever even count. Say I totally get you. But does it matter anymore? No. My here and now matters, my future matters. None of us know how many days we've got left on this spinning globe. And uh, I want to make the most of the ones I've got left. The true test is gonna be coming in a couple of weeks when the family gets up here for a week and a half, and I'm like, ugh, am I nervous? A little.

Kristen:

Are they coming to stay with you?

Deb:

No, they're coming up for a 10-day stint of massive house hunting. Then they go back to Cali and pack it all up and you know, make the move. You got the stuff. Yeah, I know, I know. I don't think I would be as confident of that had I not come into these rooms here at Noon Vibe when I did. Because I'm a little bit worried. And yeah, is my house perfect yet? By no means. But you know, they know that about me. And I haven't had the healthiest years this year, so give me some grace, folks.

Kristen:

Well, and give yourself grace because when I smell I do. Good. Because when I stopped judging me, I really didn't care what other people thought. I realized a lot of the judgment was coming from me.

Deb:

Yeah.

Kristen:

The ones that I was fearing from other people. It was coming from me. So when I stopped caring about XYZ, what I noticed is no one ever even noticed. But also, if they did, it just didn't even, it barely, it didn't even touch me. It was like a feather floating by.

Deb:

Like father, like son, they are both very critical of so many things. They definitely are the father and son. Rick is Brad's mini me. And does that mean I love them any less? No. Does that mean they irritate me from time to time? Oh heck yeah. They're basically all the family I have left in this world, except for our extended family up here. There's gonna be good days, there's gonna be bad days. My one saving grace is the fact that I know he will not buy anything within five miles of me. So there will be distance.

Kristen:

Well, that's good.

Deb:

You know, no popping in unexpectedly. And that's a good thing because when Rick went down there to help him almost three years ago, in that time, I've learned that I like living by myself.

Kristen:

You just timed out, Deb, but thank you, thank you for that very vulnerable and honest share and for showing people that it's so doable and that you've been working on this. Like you said, I believe, if I remember correctly, the onset of this app. I remember you saying once something to this effect. I'll paraphrase. You said something to the effect of, yeah, I was listening to all these talks, and I was like, yeah, I didn't really think that was for me. But then you said, maybe it is. And you started to apply stuff to your life, and then all of a sudden, everything started to change or things started to improve. And you kept at it, and I couldn't be more proud of you, Deb. And I'm so grateful that you're here in our community. Hi, Jennifer.

Jennifer:

Hey, I'm back. Hi. So I've been texting with Michelle, and I'm sure that if anyone's heard me talking on here, you know, with my overwhelm that happens sometimes, you know, what gives it's the house. And I've made so many comments about I really don't like to clean, I don't like to organize, which has historically been true. Like that's what I was known for is a messy bedroom. And um, my parents' house is just big and span, which is how they want it, you know, very good for them. I realize I have actually been repeating for decades that I am messy, that I'm disorganized, that I don't like to clean. And as I'm sitting here working around my clean house, which I did clean for company, which thank God, I like it. And I want it to be this way, and I need that is something I need to reframe. I need to fix that inner critic because I actually want to, I want to be clean in order. And the house isn't dirty, that's not it. It's just I leave things places and things pile up, and I don't want to relate to that by the way. Anybody relate to that?

Kristen:

I think there's a lot of people can relate to that.

Jennifer:

Yeah, and I have I had a house cleaner that came and helped it. She did downstairs and I did the upstairs, and that worked. And she'll come back and I said maybe once a month for that. So that will be helpful. I want to reframe how I am, and it's a challenge because I literally have been this way and told myself this since I was young. One time my dad, when I was young, maybe junior high, piled everything from the floor of my bedroom onto my bed and said, You have to put it away before you go to sleep. I just wiggled my way under all that stuff. Well, he tried a lot of things, put things in garbage bags and put them in the basement and said they have to come up with a place and have a place. Well, so many of those things just stayed there. But these are stories we all laugh about, but I I've turned it into an actual what I was telling Michelle is I've simply accepted this about myself. And I don't really want to. So do you have a suggestion on a reframe of I don't like to clean and I'm not naturally organized? And I'm organized with business, but not at home.

Kristen:

Well, are those facts because I don't like to clean. If you don't like to clean, that's just simply a preference. So it's not really a limiting belief. It's kind of just a preference. Like I don't like to clean. So let's distinguish that first that it's not your inner bully saying you suck at cleaning. It you're just like what oh, I do say that. Oh, you say you you suck at it, like you're terrible at the task, like you don't actually do it well.

Jennifer:

Yeah, like this is you need to do this more often. This is um blah blah blah gross, and you know, Sam does so much more than you do around the house and blah blah blah.

Kristen:

Is there a way that you can tap into how it feels afterwards? Because you were saying, wow, I really do like this. Yes. So that that's what motivates me. I have a chair in my room that accumulates clothes. At another house, when I didn't have that chair, it was the the bed rail, the bottom foot rail of my bed. And that's just what I do. I take off clothes and I put them there, and then once a week I re-hang them if they're not stinky, you know, if they're they just worn for a little bit of time. But my point is that I could look at that and judge myself for that, or I can say, I have other things that I actually prioritize, but I will get to it because I do like what it feels like. I would like to prioritize it. Yeah. Then I honestly, Jennifer, put it in your schedule. Just say, you know what, at this time from this to this, I'll do it sometimes. I'm like, oh, I have 20 extra minutes before my talk. Let me go clean my chair. I'll just find little spaces that it works and retrained myself to do that rather than like, well, no, I'm just gonna sit down or do this or do that. So, what was the other one though? Before you go, the other just that just not naturally organized. Okay, you're you're timing out. You want to come back up? Sure. So not naturally organized. I just feel like some people are and some people aren't. Like it's just not a natural thing. I am, I am a very organized person. My eldest is two, my youngest is not, my son is pretty organized-ish. Of course, I taught them to be, but did it stick? I don't know, because they're their own, they're their own people. So if we're not naturally some way, we can teach ourselves to get better at it. I'm not a natural cook. I don't really like to cook. But based on my eating things that I want to eat, and I don't eat preservatives, and I don't want gluten and all this stuff, I've had to cook more. But it's something that feels very chorish to me. So I've says to myself, I'm so lucky that I'm learned how to cook better. I feel so good after I eat my own food. You know what I'm saying? I do. But it's not something that I like to do. So I think it's about how could you find a way to make because you're so smart and so resourceful. I know you, Jennifer. You're gonna come back the next time and say, Okay, here's what I discovered. Find a way to make yourself more organized. Like, how can you create more of this? Where could you start? What could you do?

Jennifer:

Well, start with my closet and simply get that done. And then, you know, once a day, take a walk around the house and pick up the shoes that I dropped by the door, pick up this that I set there and put things in their place like once a day, and then they wouldn't accumulate. But first, I have to get rid of the accumulation. Okay.

Kristen:

Which is a lot of clothes on my shoe rack. What is not organized for you? Is it stuff? Because you seem so organized in your business. Is it it's it's just things around the house. Like if mail comes in and I very rarely okay. So I don't, I don't know if it's organization then. Would a better word be is just I I just accumulate piles because I do that too. I have stairs in my house, and my husband will literally take off his shoes and run them upstairs. I don't do that. I pile stuff on the stairs, and then when I darn well feel like it, I will carry that pile up. Like this weekend, I had two of my readers and some AAA batteries that I wanted to put in some of my light sources in my office. Put them on the stairs. And I walked by them probably four or five times because I wasn't ready. And then when I was, when I had a little bit of space walking upstairs, then I put one here and I put one there and put the other thing away and it went beautifully. So I also have what I call the drop zone. This is for anybody who's just interested. I have what I call a drop zone because my husband's like, oh, the kitchen table is such a mess. Well, we have two tables in our kitchen. We have a small round one that's a four-seater, and then we have a big square eight-top. I said, honey, I need a drop zone. When I walk in the house, it's my purse, my sunglasses, my grocery list, my gloves I took off, or whatever. I'm just making stuff up. You get what I'm saying? It's the bills go there, mail goes there. And he thought that a little bit because he's super neat, but I said, I need a drop zone. I've always had a drop zone in all my houses, and it's my go-to place, and my daughter uses it too. So I allow myself to have that section where I just dump everything. Okay, this is my bag that I just got. This is my, you know, whatever. Oh, this is the receipt of what I need to return. I'll lay the receipt on the table so that I remember it, so it's right in front of my face. So I think, but as far as organization, I think there's a difference between being neat and being organized, but also I feel like, where's the line? Because I'm looking around my office right now, and it's it's completely neat. And I'm organized. But where's the line? Am I going to do it at the expense of my well-being or my tiredness? So sometimes I think it's about a reorganization of our priorities. Because sometimes, doggone, if there's just things that I prioritize. And where my husband would stay up, you know, he'd bring the laundry upstairs and put it away right at bedtime, but I'm exhausted. I would say, I'm not putting that laundry away now. I'm going to sleep because that's my priority, but I'll put it away tomorrow. See what I'm saying? So I think it's about, I think all this a lot has to do with priority. Like, where are your priorities? And do you need to adjust to some of them? Sometimes we get stuck in priorities that are just momentum or their habits and the things that we can actually let go of. That's something that has happened with me too. So anyway, just unpacking that a little bit. All right, last guest. Last guest. If you join the queue afterwards, I'm sorry, but I um this will be my last guest, and it is Miss Wendy. Hi, Wendy. Hello, how are you? I'm doing great, thank you.

Wendy:

Um, I was a messy person, not a dirty person, just a messy person. And when my son was born, I started a daycare in my home. So I had to learn to be clean. From that, I went from being messy to being OCD cleaner with cleaning my my uh window seals with a toothbrush, which we don't want anyone else to do. But I will tell you that you can learn, and the easiest way to clean if you don't like to clean, is to clean in sections, you know. I'm going to do my kitchen cupboard. Tomorrow, I'm going to do my bedroom closet, you know. And if you do that, while the music is blaring and you got a rhythm going, to me, cleaning is therapeutic. And I don't have to because I don't work anymore. But I love a clean house. And even with being disabled, I'll get a chair, one of the stools that you have uh in a garage, and you sit on and you can roll, and I'll be in the house my duster and you know, clean what I can. Um but you definitely can learn and it can become pleasant. You just when you walk in and you see a lot, it's just so overwhelming that you just uh it puts you in a bad frame of mind. And who wants to do anything in a bad frame of mind? If you think about it, if you want to be the person like you are that comes in and has a dump space, that's fine. But if you really think about it, it takes about a minute when you come in your house to put things away. And that doesn't necessarily mean putting this in one drawer, this in one cupboard, this, but you know, uh like you say, you know, walking upstairs to put the shoes away, it really doesn't take that long. And that's what really helped me too, is my mom would tell me it it takes less than 30 seconds to put something away. And I'm a little smaller than my mom. But that helped me so when I come in, I don't dump things in half piles, and it made it easier for me uh to become a cleaner person. So I hope this may help somebody or anybody, but um, it can it can be a pleasant and joyful therapeutic thing.

Kristen:

Yes, well, it's helping somebody because Terry back channeled great advice when you were, I don't know, the first minute or two in this conversation. So yeah, that's excellent advice. Also, I like Wendy, I like the feeling afterwards. I feel like I've I've neutralized or baselined or like hit the restart button. I don't know how to explain it. When I clean my house, get every everything organized or neat, do all my laundry, everything's done. I feel I feel like a reset in some way, and I like that feeling.

Wendy:

Well, it it when you your house is clean, your mind is organized. And that's what the good feeling is, is that you don't have the um I can't think of the word either, but your mind isn't it it isn't cluttered. You know, you don't yeah, you don't walk in and and it's overwhelming to you. You know, you walk in and it's a feel good feeling, you know? And your mind is not cluttered, and that that's what I think that feel good feeling is.

Kristen:

Mm-hmm. It does.

Wendy:

I could be wrong for you, but that's that's just my opinion.

Kristen:

Yeah. I feel like it's um well, as a single mom for most of my parenting career, it was like during the week there was so many moving parts and owning a business and all the things that things I could not get to things. So it ended up being just a weekend thing. And every Saturday it was like, all right, kids, here's what we're doing. All the laundry went in a pile and we sorted it out. Like we did it all together. They had to deep clean their rooms on the weekends, and it was this huge reset. It was like, I think I trained myself to do it that way because I had too much going on during the week, but I allowed it to be. So I think this is about everybody finding their groove, their secret groove.

Wendy:

Yeah, we all have you're you're absolutely right. We all have different things that will work for us.

Kristen:

The other thing is is that you know, uh drawers can be yes, drawers, drawers. Thank you, Wendy. Oh, I appreciate that share so much. Jennifer said, that's how I feel now. Just what you said. This can be my reset. It feels lighter to come home. I want to keep it. This is my peaceful home, and I love it that way. I love that. Yes, thank you, Wendy. She sent me a message and let me see. I got another one. Um, Stephen earlier said, Your house is where you live, not an HGTV reveal. Yeah, I tried to, I tried to have that back when I first was a homeowner. I thought I had to have a model home looking house. I really did. I don't I don't know why, because I thought my worth was tied up in it, but it's not anymore. All right, you guys, and you are welcome, Shelly. You are so welcome, sister. This is how we heal the world collectively. We work on ourselves first, then we shine that bright light out into the world so that it can reach other people. That's how it goes. All right, you guys, I appreciate you. I am looking forward to talking to you again. Also, I highly invite you to go over, click on my profile here, click where it says. My link tree, and over there you will find my website, you will find my self-love merchandise store, links to my books, you will find my other social channels, my YouTube channel, all of those things are over there. Oh, and free resources like crazy. I have so many free resources. I'm really careful about how I create them. I create them short and succinct and pretty. So they're real really pretty to look at. Nice sized font that's evenly spaced. So they're super absorbable because I know that every little thing that we put into our mind that is of love, of the highest energy, we will heal. So this isn't about building Rome in a day. That's impossible. We all know it. But this is about slowly and surely implementing things into your life. And I design free resources that are precisely designed to do this for you. There's 20 self-love journaling prompts, there's three mini self-love meditations. My book, The Recovering People Pleaser, is there. My YouTube channel has, my goodness, I think 500, 600 videos now. Some of them are old, wasn't great at filming, didn't know what I was doing many years ago. But check them out because the message is there. All right, you guys, I love you and I look forward to talking to you next time. Remember, you matter. Stop judging yourself. Reframe that stuff. Stop cancel clear and retrain your brain. Much love, everybody. Bye.