8 Practical Steps to Vulnerability (Part 2 of 2)

We all long for deeper connection, but the very thing that creates it—vulnerability—can feel terrifying. Walls go up, masks stay on, and before we know it, we’re keeping the world at arm’s length. But the truth is, vulnerability is the doorway to intimacy, freedom, and the kind of love and belonging your heart has been craving.

If you’ve ever felt stuck hiding your true self or afraid of being “too much” or “not enough,” this talk is for you. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s where real strength begins. In this episode, I share practical steps to start opening up in a way that feels safe, empowering, and life-changing.

For FREE Resources, Book Link, KB's Self-Love Merch Shop, 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen: 0:00

Hello everyone, welcome to Empower Hour with KB. My name is Kristen Brown, and I'm an author, motivational speaker, intuitive healer, coach and mentor who specializes in helping individuals reclaim their true worth and embrace their personal power all to master their energetic vibration and manifest the life and relationships of their dreams. And I'm all about self-healing because I believe we are self-healing superstars and badasses. I know that we have everything it takes to move ourselves out of a space of what's not working and into a space with what will work for us, how to change our life, how to up level, how to create the best experience that we can have here while we are on Earth. As you can see on the screen, this is a part two. On Friday, I gave a talk on vulnerability, emotional honesty. So there is a part one to this. I did not know it was going to go into a part two. However, the conversation was so rich and delectable by all the guests that came up that we rolled this into a part two. So in part one, I talked about why we are afraid of being vulnerable. What is it that stops us from being vulnerable? So I went into depth about the fear of rejection and abandonment, the shame and self-worth, the unworthiness that's driving the train behind the scenes, feeling of loss of control, culture and social conditioning, past wounds, a fear of intimacy, all of these things can contribute to why we fear vulnerability so much. The flip side of the conversation I had, we had here on Friday is why vulnerability matters. So why vulnerability can be scary, it's also the birthplace of authenticity, connection, creativity, and love. It's where trust is built, it's where healing begins, and where meaningful relationships grow. And it's important to understand that practicing vulnerability is like building an emotional muscle. At first, it's gonna feel very awkward and weak. You might have what Brene Brown has coined a vulnerability hangover, where you finally decide you're gonna share, and then the next day you have all this regret and fear, and oh my gosh, should I have said that? That was awful. What's gonna happen? Because it's new to you. And anytime we start to do something new in our life, it's gonna feel awkward because it's not familiar. And the brain seeks to stay in the zone of familiarity. It wants to know what to expect, it wants to control. This is part of the design to keep us in it to survive. But also, it can keep us in survival mode. Isn't that crazy? It's designed to help us live, but yet it can put us into a place of survival mode. It's gonna feel weird at first when you start to practice vulnerability, especially, especially if you're someone who has been closed down, walled up, extremely guarded, maybe you have armor around your heart for a very long time in your life. But I know there's a piece of you that is thinking, hmm, there is something to this vulnerability because there's something missing in my life. There's a depth that's missing, there's a connection that's missing, there's a level of healing and growth and evolution that's missing on some level within your being. I'm not even gonna say psyche. I was gonna say psyche. And I was like, it's not really up in the noggin. It's in your soul, it's in your heart. You can feel that there's something missing. And it could be because you crave and long for deep connection and emotional safety and relationships, but yet you have this wall around yourself. You've guarded yourself up. And so it's very difficult to let love out, and it's very difficult to let love in when we have that guard. So by practicing vulnerability, we're gonna be sharing who we are to people, the truth of who we are, so that we can have a better connection. But there's ways to do this because we don't always have to just dive headlong into the pool, just like, all right, let's go throw all caution to the wind, because that is likely to scare you. Because somehow, some way, you might process it as it was not safe for whatever reason. And so then you'll get back out of the pool, and it may take years to even try to get back into the pool again. So it's important to give yourself grace on this journey, to meet yourself where you're at, but with the courage to push yourself forward. The healing journey requires courage. We're stepping out into the unknown. We're doing things that we've never done before. We are embracing concepts that we've never embraced before. We are bringing in new information. We're attempting to change the way that we are thinking and behaving, and it's going to feel strange. So give yourself grace always on this journey to know that you are a work in progress. We all are. That's what the journey here on earth is all about. The soul pops in the human body, the earth suit, the meat suit, whatever anybody wants to call it, and then we start walking this path. There is no perfection, and there is no there. We're not going to get there. We're just going to keep going until our time here has expired. So why not make the best of it? Why not squeeze every ounce of love that you can out of this experience? Because love, capital L love and everything that comes with that is our birthright. But sometimes we listen so much to the ego, to our fear. We stay in old, unserving patterns because they feel safe and familiar. But really, they are just defense mechanisms and protective mechanisms that went into place at some point in our life. And then we get the red alert, red alert. Don't do that, don't do that thing because bad things happen. And yes, it's true that probably bad things did happen back in the day, but that doesn't mean it's happening now. It doesn't mean that you, your situations have changed, your people have changed, your relationships have changed, you have grown. And maybe it's time to step into vulnerability. So that's what we're getting into today. So the first step to practicing vulnerability is to get clear on what it means for you. Because being vulnerable can be different for everyone. Everybody might have a different space or way that they need to be vulnerable. So ask yourself, what does it mean to me to be vulnerable? Is it asking for help? Is it admitting you're struggling? Is it saying I love you first? Is it sharing something you're afraid of? Is it being honest with your friends, family, or partners about what's going on inside of you? Is it talking about your hurt, your pains, your past? What does it mean for you? It's different for everyone. Vulnerability is very personal. And it doesn't mean we just jump out there and start oversharing. It's about emotional honesty in appropriate contexts. It's about being willing to tap into your true self and to share that. That's what the first step is is to get clear on what it means to you. The second step is to start small and safe. This is a biggie. Most of us by now know Brene Brown. She is a researcher of shame and vulnerability, and she talks about this a lot. She says, find someone who has earned the right to hear your story. But that could also mean your emotion, your ideas, your needs. Whatever it means to you, find somebody. There is someone in your life who is safe enough who can hold that space for you. This doesn't mean you have to spill all your deepest, darkest secrets to someone immediately. It's about starting with low-stakes situations. Maybe share an opinion within a group. Are you the one who sits quietly in a group while people are talking and you don't say too much? Or when you do say something, it comes out very convoluted and hard for people to understand because you're so worried about being honest and vulnerable that you create a smoke screen. And what can happen with this is that people are trying to listen to you. They want to hear your thoughts, but it gets confusing for them. And like typical humans, they just tune out. They just are like, okay, I don't even know what you're saying. And you know, they go on to the next person, whatever they're saying, or somebody else pipes in and takes over. And then you're gonna feel like, oh my gosh, I was vulnerable, but nobody met me at that. So the question there is, are you really being vulnerable? Or is there still this guardedness around you where you're using 10,000 words instead of 300 and you're confusing people? This is a huge possibility and it's something to think about within your life. Because I promise you, if you have people in your life who love you, that they want to be with you, that they care about your insides, they're gonna want to know what's going on inside of you. And if you're creating a smokescreen for them or just withholding all together, they're never gonna be able to show up for you because they don't know. There's one thing that I I've seen repeatedly with people, and that is let's say they come to me regarding some type of relationship. I'm remembering a certain client at this point, and she kept saying things that she wanted her husband to do. And I said, Have you told him? And she said, No. She said he should know. I replied, No, he can't know. He can't know unless you're being vulnerable and honest. So he's not gonna be able to meet you at that unless you share it with him. The next session she came in, she said, I told him what I needed, et cetera, et cetera. And like her eyes floated, she goes, I can't believe how well that worked. She goes, it was scary. I thought I was gonna be rejected. I thought he was gonna laugh at me or tell me there's something wrong with me. But having that open-hearted, vulnerable conversation with him changed everything. Well, at least that part of it. So this is what this can do. And oftentimes we might think that our partner or friend or whatever loved one it is is not safe just because the protective mechanism that's in place is telling you they're not safe. But you can look around your life and say, who do I think could hold this for me? Do I think it's Bob or Trish? The two names I always use. For those of you who are new here, those are just my static names that I use. Well, when I you know, I watch Trish in the world, and when other people share with her, she's very compassionate and gentle. And Bob always says, Oh, I get what you're saying, and here's what happened to me. Those would be safe places for you. Don't allow the fear in your mind to take over what is actually in your environment. Because there are people there. One of the best things I ever did in my life, I love this, is I always felt like I had to have an answer for someone. Someone asked me something, I always felt like I had an answer, and sometimes you just spew a bunch of stuff out there just because I felt like I needed to respond. But I learned to say, you know what? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes it was followed followed up with, but I'm gonna find out, or I'm gonna look into that, or this is something I want to know more about, or let me know what you find out. That's actually vulnerable. It's vulnerable to say, I don't know. Isn't that isn't that wild? It's okay to say you don't know. When I was in chemistry class in college, when I was, I remember I was sitting in the front row. Chemistry was hard for me. I didn't get it. I've never used any, I never knew anything about chemistry, never taken a class in high school. I had no idea what chemistry was. Some of the verbiage was weird, the whole thing was kind of weird for me, but I sat in the front and the instructor would say, Does anybody have questions? And not a person in that room would raise her hand. I'm like, I got questions. I have no idea what the heck is going on here. So I'd raise my hand. And then I would ask my question. That's being vulnerable. I'd say, I don't understand this piece or that piece. And then he'd go over it again. And at the same time, I would see everybody else listening to the man and then taking all these notes and the writing and writing. Because I'd look around the room, I'm like, why am I the only person asking questions? Because they all have these questions too. It got to the point, you guys, every day he would say, Anybody have questions? And everybody would be like, Nope. And I'd raise my hand. And he got to the point, like a couple months into this class, that he would walk in the room, he'd say, Kristen, do you have any questions? He literally did that. He stopped asking the class because nobody was going to ask. He asked me. And I was like, Oh, yeah, here's the question. Then they'd all be right in their notes again. Weirdest stories from our youth, aren't there? All right, you can also share something that you're ashamed of. Oh, this is one of the most powerful ways we can heal shame, especially if we're sitting with somebody who Brene Brown says has earned the right to hear our story. When we say, Oh my gosh, I'm so ashamed of this. And they're like, Oh, dude, I've done that too. Oh my gosh, here's what I did. It was awful. Oh my God, did you feel like this? Oh, I just want to crawl into a hole and die. And we get into this thing, and then all of a sudden, poof. It's like magic. The shame goes away because we brought it to the light. I often talk about that hidden shame and unworthiness that's buried deep in us is running the show behind the scenes. It's stopping us. But when we can say, you know what, I'm ashamed that this happened. I'm ashamed that that happened. Here's something else that you to consider. Sometimes we may not be in the place where, number one, we really believe that anybody in our world could hold this peace for us. Maybe they just don't get it. Maybe they're just not very evolved. Maybe they are someone who's really superficial and they're just gonna go, oh, yeah, that's well, that's tough. Or, oh, yikes, why did you do that? And just being innocent, you know, doing the best they can. But we could have people in our life that can't hold that space for particular things, let's say, or we don't feel that they could. And we're very tender and delicate in that area. Here's what to do tell it to yourself. Tell it to yourself. Tell yourself, I am so ashamed of whatever it is. And then give yourself what you need to hear from someone else. This doesn't mean excuses, all right? It doesn't because sometimes the brain wants to kick in and go, Well, you did that because this, and it's their fault. It's not about giving yourself excuses. It's about saying, I am ashamed that I blank. Say it three times loud to yourself and then saying, It's okay. Many people make mistakes. Do you know where you were at at that stage? Of course that's what you did. That was the best you knew how at the time. And you just talk exactly to yourself what you need to hear again. Poof, the shame starts to dissipate. Because a lot of the reason why we aren't vulnerable is hidden shame and unworthiness. One more point. I have several, but I'm gonna name one more, and then I'm gonna bring up the first person in my cube. And this is to name your emotions out loud. So powerful. I have a whole chapter in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, on Emotions, because these are so incredibly important. So instead of saying, I'm fine, say I'm actually feeling overwhelmed, or I'm a little sad today, or I'm a little depressed, or I'm excited, but I'm really nervous, or I was so hurt when that happened. That crushed me. Because saying fine is keeping other people from entering your heart and showing up for you in the way that you truly need. When I'm going through a difficult, difficult time and I say to somebody, that really hurt my feelings. And when they say back to me, well, of course it did, that's that's not good that that person did that to you. That was terrible. That validation feels so good. It's so soothing. And I feel more connected to that other person. I feel more understood. So when you are willing to share your emotions, people, the people who meet you at that, validate that, understand that helps us to heal, helps us to move past it. Validation is one of the most powerful things we can do. One of the most powerful things we can do to people. Because do for people. Because oftentimes we swoop into fix. I'm raising my hand. I was a fixer, especially if you're someone who's maybe even been like a single parent, you're in charge of everything. You're juggling so many plates and so many balls in the air, and you're just like, okay, well, here's this, here's that, fix this, but you know, you're just moving through life so fast, which was me. And when one of my children said to me, I don't remember the exact words, but it was basically like I don't think it was the word validate, but can't you just understand what I'm feeling, or something to that effect? This massive light bulb went on inside of me. And I thought, I'm trying to fix you. They don't need fixing, they need love, they need validation. Some people in our life think they're validating by saying things that really are kind of about them or about fixing or about wanting you to get over it quickly. They might be sitting there with you, but they're not really validating. So keep in mind validating is is being empathetic. It's about understanding where that person is at that time, even if you've overcome it already, even if you've been there yourself and you found a way. At this point, they just need the validation. They need the balm. They need to know they're not crazy. They need to know that it's okay. All right, let's bring up. How did I know it was going to be my brother Terry? Terry, welcome up. Thank you for joining.

Terry: 19:40

You you said something, KB, the other day. You said I you love it when I get emotional. Well, what I I felt comfortable, but sometimes um on the old wisdom app, I did a talk once, you know, my mind went back to something I totally forgot about, you know. I was in my early 20s of. I was on my way to work and I was late for work. And there was a lady on her doorstep. And as I was walk approached her, I got an oldish lady, you know, and she had a handout with with some coins in it, you know. She said, Oh, could you get me a pint of milk? And um I said, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm late for work. And uh I just walk walk past her, you know. And I got to work, and my mind was thinking about that lady all day, you know. Yeah, and I thought, oh, I hope somebody um went and got a pint of milk, and I did feel a kind of shame, you know. And um life happens and and and you you forget about it, don't you? Anyway, um on that noon vibe type uh talk, I remembered that that. You mean the wisdom talk? So yeah, on the wisdom talk, yeah. And I did I I got really overcome with emotion, you know, because when you reach a certain level of understanding and and you do have that compassion and empathy, and you re and you know, you know, knowing that we're all one, I did I did feel how she might have felt, you know. And uh I'm trying to not get emotional, escaping. The lesson was I didn't act out of love, you know. And um, but now I've learned that lesson and I forgave myself. Yeah, but it it's it it is like a vulnerability. I felt a bit of shame. And um, yeah.

Kristen: 21:27

Wendy is sending the emoji with the smiley face with all the hearts around it and the little heart hands to your story.

Terry: 21:35

Thank you, Wendy. Yeah, it it is something that you learn, and we're we're all human, you know? And this is it's all part of life. Learn the lesson and realize that we're all one and love everyone, you know. You might not agree with them or they might live a totally different lifestyle to you, you know, have understanding and love, you know. And uh absolutely, yeah.

Kristen: 21:57

And I love that. And the reason why I say I love when you're when you tear up is because when people tear up, I know I'm seeing them in their purest form. I know I'm seeing their heart. That's what I like about it. Not like, oh, I love to hear you cry, you know what I mean?

Terry: 22:14

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, but um, it's part of being human, and this is one of the reasons why we're on this earth to be human and experience what it is to be a human. Exactly.

Kristen: 22:25

Thank you, my brother, Terry. Everybody flying in from the UK. I love that. I love that so much. Okay, so let's keep going. The queue is empty for anybody who would like to join and share a little something today. Terry, you can't see it, but you're getting a bunch of love and claps from your brothers and sisters, Lisa, Dinga, VA, Paula. A lot of our regulars love that. I see you all. Thank you so much for being here. All right, the next one. Oh, I talked about naming your emotions out loud. All right. Naming our emotions is vulnerable and powerful. It lets others see the real you and models emotional honesty. We all know by now, right, y'all, that emotional honesty is important in relationships. It's key because if we're not honest emotionally, and not for all the emotions, okay, not just the positive, happy ones, but some people aren't even vulnerable with their positive, happy ones. I remember what what oh, I remember a relationship I was in one time, and I said to my partner, I said, You never compliment me. Why don't you ever compliment me? And he said, I'm afraid if I compliment you, you'll get a big head and you'll leave me. And I was like, Wow. So he withheld being vulnerable with me about how he thought and felt about me because he thought it meant that I was gonna be all that, and then I would decide that he was not enough for me. Little did he know that those compliments, him seeing me, him being open and vulnerable with me and telling me the things that he liked about me actually drew me to him. It didn't push me away from him, it drew me to him. But his fear was so much that he was like, oh no, I I can't let her know that she's amazing. I can't let her know that I think she's amazing, put it that way. It was just, it was fascinating for me to learn that. Welcome, Stephen. Thank you for joining us today. I love that the gentlemen are coming in. This is amazing.

Steven: 24:40

Yeah, because uh some of us can be vulnerable once we're taught how to what the word means and uh how how to do it.

Kristen: 24:49

That's true. Did you have to be taught, Stephen? You because you're so open here, so I don't know when that started in your life.

Steven: 24:58

Well, that's kind of was the uh topic of my share. So I think I first heard about it in that class in 2018. Then I backtracked using that knowledge, like, okay, this is how I was presenting said self to the world. I can remember going into counseling after my separation and thinking, okay, I should be able to share with this person because they're gonna want to know what's going on. They should be able to tell me what's going on if I give them enough information. Give them the information. And they were able to connect dots, and I think that was my first chance of actually trusting somebody outside of my marriage. Slowly but surely, I realized the sounding board I'd been using for God knows how long was well, let's just say you couldn't build a straight cabinet with it, it was really warped. That was a hard realization to make. Uh slowly but surely. Well, this is what I'm used to. Had somebody that was trained by the oh Stephen, we lost your sound.

Kristen: 26:12

Stephen. I don't know what's happening, Stephen, but we lost your sound. I'm going to pop you down back down and you can rejoin.

Steven: 26:22

Oh, well, where are we? Oh, so we were figuring out I had a I had a guy at church, the uh it's actually Stephen's ministry with a Ph. He was trained 40 hours in it. It was interesting because he was male, he was younger than me, whereas my counselor was female and was like a couple years older. But he was married, my counselor had been divorced and remarried. But it was still interesting to get the different perspective, and he would ask me questions. I I still remember one of the hardest questions he asked me. He says, So, what happens if this doesn't come back together again? And I just brushed him on the phone, oh, she's just upset about something. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Kind of figured it out, kind of figured it out. Once I got served with papers, I there's no figuring it out from here. It's a business agreement from here on out. Being vulnerable was learning for me, it was learning who I could trust and who I could not trust because that big open heart of mine just projects on other people that they'll be the same way and not dump all over me if I say the wrong thing, and then they turn around and it's like, well, um, I don't know where you're coming from, but I don't like it. I'm like, well, it sucks to be you because yet again I'm bringing light, love, and kindness, and uh it's being rejected, so I'll just go find another place that it's accepted. Have a good one. Yeah, I'll tell you. Oh, go ahead.

Kristen: 28:03

No, it's okay. Go ahead.

Steven: 28:05

Learning that that it's not going to be accepted by everybody, and it's because they can't see it or don't want to see it, that's been powerful for me. It's like, oh, okay. Because you can just say, well, it's not me, it's them. And it's like, but if you have a little bit more explanation, it ruminates better in my mind.

Kristen: 28:27

Right. So what you're saying is that when you're getting more information from another individual where they're really willing to show who they are, then it hits better. Is that what I'm hearing?

Steven: 28:38

Yep, it does.

Kristen: 28:39

Yeah. Because the guess the guesswork can be maddening.

Steven: 28:43

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. At times you're just especially if it's new, if it's new folks, if it's other people you've been around, uh, especially family, it's like, man, that one's like a that one's like a steel trap sometimes. You you're wandering around thinking, oh, this is no big deal, and all of a sudden you're like caught in it. Like, how do I get out of this? Yeah. And I didn't see them that way, but good lordy, here we are.

Kristen: 29:12

Well, I'm glad that you found your vulnerable voice, Steven. How's life been since then? Is it working for you?

Steven: 29:19

It's been it's been good. Like I said, family is a little difficult.

Kristen: 29:24

Yeah. Yeah, there can be some places in our life that it's a little difficult, but it's better to have that vulnerable openness to us than to not have it. And of course, there are arenas where we can, there's arenas where we can't. I mean, you know, there we we have to use discernment. We're all smart people. We can figure out where this works, but boy, once you find that it is actually safe to share your emotions and you can let that energy out of your body, you can ask for what you need, which is my next practical step, because many people fear being a burden, but asking for support is a strong form of vulnerability. Some examples might be can you just listen for a minute and try not to fix it? That's being vulnerable. Or I have something to say, but I really just need you to hear it. Perhaps it's can I get a hug? Can I get a hug right now? I could use a hug. Could it be, would you be willing to help me with this? You know, these types of things are asking for what you need. Can you drop me off at this stop sign so I can walk the rest of the way home because I want to get my steps in? Whatever it might be. It's just being willing to step up and ask for what you need. And that can be very hard for a lot of people. It could be hard for multiple reasons. It could be hard that if I need too much, I might be too much for this person, and then they will reject me or leave me. It could be, oh, I just don't want to be a burden. They have so much going on. I've had people say that to me, or they've said, when we've had this conversation, I'm like, you know, tell me what you need, tell me what's going on. They're like, oh, well, you juggle too much. I don't want to burden you. I'm like, but you're my person. Whatever, whatever form that person was for me. You're my best friend, you're my partner, you're my child, you're whoever. You're my person. You're you don't burden me. You never burden me. I love hearing from you. I love to know what's going on with you, and I love to help you. So please share with me. You could have people in your life right now who really want to hear from you. They want to know what you need. Or they see you struggling and they're like, can I help? And you're nope. And there's something inside of you that is stopping you from asking for help. So I know for me, Kristen Brown, when I ask people they need help, I mean it because I like to help. I'm a helper. I'm a number two on the Enneagram. A helper. I like to help. You know, and I don't ask if I don't mean it. If the person says, no, I'm good, that's cool. But I always want people to be honest with me because I find joy in helping. So if there's like, yeah, actually you can, I'm like, groovy, great. And I get joy from helping other individuals. So number four is to ask for what you need. Number five is to be honest about your imperfections and your flaws. Not trying to deliver a false, impeccable self to the world. That you got it all together and you know everything and you're awesome and you don't make many mistakes and all these things. Try saying things like I don't have it all figured out. I made a mistake and I'm working on it. This is hard to for me to admit, but and sharing the thing that's hard for you to admit, that's a really big one. When we can admit out loud the things that we are afraid to admit, my goodness, that will shift uh energy, it will shift dynamics, and it will create change. But if we're not admitting things to ourselves and to others, let's say we're not admitting that we're wrong. Let's say there's a moment when you did something and it was wrong. You know it, but you're not admitting it. You're not telling the person, you're not taking accountability, you're not saying, you know what, I was wrong there. I apologize for that. I'm gonna do better next time. Your person is sitting there internally suffering because their inner knowing knows that it was wrong, but you're not owning it. That can be very, very hard on a relationship. One of the most soothing things that we can do is say, My bad. Take accountability, own your peace. Be brave, be strong because it is only weakness that won't own our uh our peace. That won't own our responsibility. It takes strength to do it. And yes, you might get a little backlash from the people. I know it, I get it. But it's better than not owning it because at least you're doing your part, you're cleaning up your side of the street. I gave a talk recently called Fix Your Side of the Street. It is in alignment with that, taking ownership, owning your stuff. It takes a lot of vulnerability to do that, but it is so much more healthy and serving to everyone rather than acting like the thing didn't happen. A lot of times people can feel so much shame about around something, they just want to brush it off and act like it's not there, and then go back to quote normal. But you know that you just handed your person, you know, a lead weight, and now they're carrying that around. You might be moved on, but they're not. So now there's a person out there who's not feeling great about you. And yeah, they might be able to suck it up and move forward, and maybe there's someone that just ignores things and maybe they're not vulnerable either. And I tell you something, when you keep that line of communication open and all parties concerned are taking accountability for what they know is not okay. They know it's not okay, that relationship is going to stabilize because it also tells people that I love you. I care about you, I care about the way I make you feel. I care about your mental and emotional health. That's what it's saying. And that's one of the most connecting, soothing, embalming, safe feelings is when someone takes accountability for what they did. Because even though they're a flawed human being like we all are, we know that they see what they did, and we know that they're willing to work on that. And that helps us to move forward in our relationships. Owning our imperfections, being honest about our flaws, taking accountability for the things that we did wrong, make us more trustworthy and relatable, not less. But there can be some people out there in the world who are not doing those things because they are afraid it makes them less. They're afraid that it makes them not enough. They're afraid that it's saying there's something wrong with me. So they're scared to own up, but man, it's hurting the relationships in a very, very big way. So just something to keep in mind. All right, I'm bringing up Paula. Welcome, Paula. Thank you for joining the talk.

Paula: 37:02

I just had wanted to run something by you real quickly. It's funny that you're talking about this today. You know, I recently started a part-time job at a bank, and it's a small family bank, and they have a few locations. Well, one of the managers at a different location, I heard her last name, and I was like, I think I might know her. And I met her and I do know her. She doesn't remember me at all because I have a different last name. And something had happened clear back in college. I've been talking like 40 years ago. She was dating somebody. She went to a different school than he did, and I went to the same school as he did. And we were both music majors, and we kind of hit it off. And he broke up with her for about three weeks and dated me, and then ended up going back to her and getting married, and they were married for years, but they're divorced now. I realized this is this is definitely that girl. We didn't ever meet each other, we just saw each other from afar, you know. And that's wild, Paula. I mean, what are the freaking chances? Right now. If it could happen, it's gonna happen to me. That's what my friends would say. I feel like I need to talk to her and tell her that who I am. Because I I have this feeling that somehow, if I don't, it's gonna come out. I don't think she's gonna care. After meeting her, I really like her. I just don't want it to come out somehow, or her to find out somehow, and think I was being dishonest with her.

Kristen: 38:35

Do you think that's a good decision? Okay, so you she was dating a guy, he stopped dating her and went to you, then went back to her and married her. Now they're divorced. Okay, I'm clear with that. Did she know about you? Oh, yes, she knew about me.

Paula: 38:54

And she saw me, but I didn't have the red hair then, and I had a different last name. So I she has his last name, which is an unusual last name. So when I heard it, I thought, I wonder if that's her. And so, yeah, she knew about me. Yeah.

Kristen: 39:10

And she works with you. Now she works with me. That's crazy. Wow. Well, here's what I would say. I always ask myself, what is my motive? Is my motive love or fear? Because if she doesn't know you, she doesn't, you know what I'm saying? So if it's fear of, well, what if it comes out and she thinks I'm a jerk, or what if, what if what she talks behind my back, those type of things, that that's a fear-based motive. But if it's like, you know, for some reason it's a love-based motive, like it really depends on what your motive is. So I would actually feel through this, Paula, and and see what what your intention is behind the whole thing.

Paula: 39:49

Yeah, I think it's maybe a little both, because I do want to be honest. Because that's that's you know, my heart's goal is to be honest. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I don't want to hurt her. Because I think she's just a really neat person, and I don't want to take a chance and hurt her in some way. So it's kind of a little bit of both, I guess.

Kristen: 40:12

Okay. Why do you think it would hurt her?

Paula: 40:15

Well, if she found out and I hadn't been honest, I think that might hurt her. I don't think me telling her would hurt her. I think she'd think it's funny at this point. I mean, it was so long ago, we never even met each other. We just saw each other a couple times. And I mean I'm telling you, yeah. I think it's funny personally.

Kristen: 40:34

It's like yeah, if it's a if it's a funny thing and like, oh my God, because it was like you said 40 years ago, long time ago, then then yes, that sounds like you have your intentions in the right place.

Paula: 40:47

And you know what's horrible? I think I feel bad for her because it sounds like they had a really rocky marriage. But I, you know, looking back, I think I dodged a bullet. Unfortunately, she caught it. You know what I mean? Looking back, I mean it was one of those, one of those breakups where you're very upset, but then later on you look and say, Oh my, that's probably a very good movement that happened. And that was even prior to meeting her.

Kristen: 41:15

It's that Garth Brooks song, Thank God for Unanswered Prayers, or whatever the name of the song is.

Paula: 41:22

Exactly true. Exactly true. He always answers, but it may not be what you want to hear.

Kristen: 41:27

You know. Wow, that's uncanny. That's crazy.

Paula: 41:32

I can't believe it is. Yeah, let us know what happens, Paula. I'm so curious now. I will do that, but thank you for letting me pass that by you a little bit.

Kristen: 41:40

So of course, you're welcome, Paula. Love you too. Have a great day. Love you too. Bye. Thank you. Bye, Paula, everybody. All righty. Oh my goodness, I did have somebody else in the queue. It looks like they popped down. And did they oh no, we got somebody else that's popping in right now. So we're gonna go ahead and bring up my next guest. Who is Miss Sarah? Thanks for coming, Sarah.

Sarah: 42:02

Hey, Kristen. I'm still doing this topic. So I'm so when I like think of vulnerability and then like me being vulnerable. I had this experience when I was 18, and I had a tumor growing in my uterus, and I went to the doctor, and they're like, uh oh, it's all in your head, nothing's wrong. So I'm like, oh my gosh, my brain, there's something wrong in the hypochondria, and my brain is telling me that my stomach hurts. So I went around with this pain for like years before I could find a doctor who would take the time to take a picture and look and see what the problem is. Now, as a result, when it comes to everything to do with my health, like I kind of I don't take care of it the way I should take care of it, or I'll only share one little blip with my doctor, like just enough. And I I'm learning, like, I'm scared to be with my doctors because they just because of like that. Like, I have this whole complex of thinking that I'm like wrong because of that experience. It taught me so early on, and I'm like, oh my gosh, Sarah, you're a hypochondriac. You need to pause. You can't listen to your body, you can't listen to these fake, these fake signs, but they weren't fake. And so, like, now like when I'm dealing with stuff and it it just it blows up, or on the other side, I overcorrect and I show up at the doctor and I give them like 15 different things, and the doctor's like, whoa, hold on. I can only help you with this. I struggle with being vulnerable, it's easier in spaces like this, right? Like, I mean, I may meet some of you someday, but it's it's easier. I'm not when it comes to like my like immediate circle and my people, like I I'm not comfortable with it. And as a result, people are like, oh, you know, Sarah, she's sneaky, but it's not that I'm sneaky, it's that I just don't know who to trust with my stuff. And as much as I'd like to be like open and honest, like I've had so many horrible experiences where I showed up and I was honest, and then I end up being the person who's like the odd men out.

Kristen: 44:36

Mm-hmm. Me too.

Sarah: 44:39

That's what I'm thinking as we're talking about vulnerability today. And I just like wanted to share and like get your take on it.

Kristen: 44:47

Okay, so going back to the doctor thing, that what you were dealing with at that time, with the what turned out to be a tumor in your stomach, right? You're having pain and you didn't, you know, you kind of ignored it and told yourself you were being crazy and this and that, whatever, however that looked for you. There's a reason why you did not share or take that to an elder or someone like that. So I would access that version of yourself that felt unable to share for whatever reason and reparent her. Okay, she needs love. There's a reason why it went down like that, and she needs love. So this is just gonna be a layer of healing for you because there's something that caused that for you to do that. So giving her love, giving her understanding so that she you can clean up that so when you because right now it sounds like to me you're trying to do everything cerebral cerebrally. I'm not gonna say it, or I'm gonna say it all. Like it's like you're trying to, you're trying to will your way through it rather than heart your way through it. There's a version of you that needs love. That's what's I believe is happening there.

Sarah: 46:00

Yeah, definitely can relate to that. And I definitely know there's this version of me that needs love. I know that sometimes, though, if I like go back to that version of me, sometimes like I'm not then strong enough to just like push through and like fight through and get it done. Like, I have a surgery coming, which this isn't the first surgery I've had on my ankle. It was it was because my ankle wasn't repaired properly, because I like was listening and trusting my doctors instead of pushing through and being aggressive. And I'm nervous to backpedal to old Sarah because old Sarah doesn't push through.

Kristen: 46:45

Okay, so come back up, Sarah, if you want to, but we're not backpedaling, sister. That's not what this is about. We're not returning back to old you. What we're doing is we're giving that version of you who is afraid to speak up love so that she can speak up. Does that make sense? This is inner child healing. It's not about reverting back to who you were. This is in your mind, in your heart, seeing the age that you were at, where you were at, what contributed to you not speaking up and reparenting her and giving her love. So that, like you said, now you're having another surgery and the other guy botched it up, but you're afraid to speak up because somehow you've been silenced. Where did that happen? And you don't have to go into that, it could be personal, but somewhere along the line, you've been silenced. So she needs permission. Little Sarah needs permission to advocate for herself. Because I think you probably tried to do it at some point in your life and you were squelched.

Sarah: 47:50

Yeah. Does it make sense? Oh, it makes so much sense, and it's it's hard to connect with little Sarah went through too much, and it's like I like it's really hard to connect with her. Like, I I think like the way I go around connecting with her now is when I'm working with children, it's hard to like face her because I wasn't there to protect her then, you know.

Kristen: 48:21

So no, honey, it wasn't your job. It was not your job, it was the elders in your life job. It wasn't your job.

Sarah: 48:32

Seems like everybody keeps telling me that I'm supposed to go do this inner child work to fix all this stuff, and that's like the answer for everything. And it's it's just like the little it's it makes me cry because it's like it's it was such a scary time.

Kristen: 48:53

I know, and it's just and and that that that version of you just needs your love. She needs to know that she did the best she can. She needs to know that she didn't fail herself, that the elders failed her. She needs perspective, sister. Look at the love coming up on the screen. I see it. Yeah. She just needs perspective. She's blamed herself. She thinks she's at fault. She does she she thinks she has something to be ashamed of. Mm-mm. You got to put that in the right lane. Even 18, I even think up to you know, 25, even we're still kids, in my opinion. I feel like those things that happen to us all throughout there, that ain't ours.

Sarah: 49:36

It's theirs. Thanks, Kristen. I feel like every time I come up, you're probably gonna always tell me it comes back to like self-love. Um, so but I'll try to keep coming up.

Kristen: 49:50

Thank you. You will. You're welcome, Sarah. Thank you, sister. And by the way, beautiful profile picture. I love that. You are such a shiny, bright light. And I love your Poochie. I can't click on it now because it went away, but I would love to scroll in and get a close-up version of that. You guys, we can resist this work, but we resist it because of certain thoughts that we have about it. And once we have these conversations and we realize, oh, it's one of the things I talk about shame a lot is like we gotta put down what we think was ours. Mm-mm. Sarah's been through something. I can feel it. She's been through something. I don't even need to know the details because it doesn't matter. What matters is that she sees herself through a certain lens, and a lens that can't speak up, and a lens that is powerless. And she feels like she failed herself. She didn't fail herself. She didn't have the strength, the power, the physical stature to protect herself. Her brain wasn't even fully formed. Our brain isn't fully formed till 25. Maybe a little sooner for females. Okay. Yeah. Self-love, guys. I know. It's crazy. It seems so trite. It seems so, oh come on. Really, KB? Mm-hmm. Really? I mean, there's other things too. You might need to go deeper with a trauma therapist or EMDR or other things. If, but I will tell you this self, this child, this inner child healing, this reparenting, this putting things into perspective has the ability to drop things off of you that you didn't even know were there. There's liberation and freedom on the other side of that. Going into practical step number six is let people in one step at a time. If someone responds well to your vulnerability, open up a bit more. If not, that tells you about them, not about your worth or that you're shameful. Right? It's an indicator about where they are at. Because you can say the same thing to somebody else that holds that space for you like magic. It's not that one person determines your worth or your guilt and the other person doesn't. It's where they're at on their journey. So again, find those safe spaces. Like Sarah Safe said, this is a safe space to open up. I believe she probably has never had a safe space. That's my thought. Maybe a friend here and there, maybe, or a family member. But she's like, wow, Numbai, Kristen Brown, these beautiful listeners. I can open up here. It's easy to open up here. Of course it is, because you're being held. Of course. And sometimes we don't have it in our life. So we don't let the people in that don't haven't earned the right to be in. Also, vulnerability is a two-way street. Find people that meet you there that you're they're willing to share their dirty underbelly. Their little scabs and scars. Their pains. They're willing to open up to you. And the next step is number seven. Watch how you talk to yourself. This is about being kinder inside your own head. If your self-talks is something like you're so weak for feeling that way, or don't be needy, maybe replace it with something like it's okay to need support. Or being real is brave. We gotta stop judging ourselves, you guys. Self-lieutenant number four. Supportive and loving self-talk. The thoughts in our head are meaningless. They're not they're not true. They're just bouncing around. Come the egos coming up with stuff on the, you know, that thing is whipping it out like fake money. The printing press, throwing stuff at us all the time. Are you gonna pick it all up or are you gonna discard it? And the discard looks like the minute you criticize yourself for a certain thing, you tell yourself, mm-mm. No. Be kinder to yourself. That's what practicing vulnerability is about. That's what will help you to become more vulnerable. Because when you're gentle with you, you're judging yourself less. And then you're gonna be more willing to step up and be honest where you need to be. And the last, I think this is the last one. Let me look. Yes. Lean into the discomfort. It's gonna feel awkward. It does involve emotional risk. But growth doesn't come from when we're in our comfort zones. It comes from when we stretch beyond them. We're willing to try something different for ourselves. It's going to be uncomfortable. In my healing journey during the college of Kristen, I remembered thinking this statement. I've gotten comfortable with being uncomfortable. And yet guess what happened? I got used to it. It's no longer a thing. It's like, yeah, it's a little uncomfortable, but it doesn't ignite my fight flight. Like yeah, it's a little this is a little weird, but okay, I'm the only way I can explain it is it's not even a thing. It just feels uncomfortable, but I've gotten comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable. Because it doesn't mean anything. Except that I'm growing and I'm stretching and that I'm showing up for whatever is happening instead of hiding from it, running from it, pushing away, making excuses, being the victim, all the things that we do. I show up for it. This is awkward, this is uncomfortable, I hate this. Oh, there's some things that I've gone through in my life where I've hated, and I've I've said to somebody, this is so effing, uncomfortable, I hate this. And I just felt like I was coming out of my own skin. And then someone would say back to me, Oh, I know. Oh, trust me, I know. I was there two years ago, or whatever it was. But just saying it allowed me to be in it and say, You've been uncomfortable before, Kristen. You make it through. You always do. Yeah. So lean into the discomfort. Paula said, one thing I didn't mention is that I want to apologize to her. I was 18 and dumb, but I have some shame for what I did. Paula, that's a reason in love. That's served in love. That's it. That's it right there. If you have some shame, if you were the other woman, because I don't know if he broke up with her and then went to you, but if you were the other woman for a spell and you're having shame about that, oh my gosh. Oh yeah. That's beautiful, Shpala. Definitely love that you shared that. All right, everybody. That leads us to the conclusion of this talk today. But I'm going to leave you with a mantra to remember. Actually, just a statement from Brene Brown. Vulnerability isn't weakness, it's uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But it's also the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, and connection. And you guys ready for this quote? I couldn't tell you who told me this, but this is a great one. Vulnerability is a gift given in the form of risk for someone else. Is that mind-blowing? Because when you're vulnerable, you're giving a gift to the person because you're being honest and truthful about who you are. Isn't that wild? It's like, wow, that's a crazy one. Here's another one. Be strong enough to be weak. Be strong enough to be weak. When we let our idiocy, our anger, our sadness, our fears, and our weaknesses show that's strength, not weakness. And only when we share vulnerability can people truly love us, the whole of us. We can't ever feel truly loved if someone doesn't truly know us. Because they've fallen in love with a facade, with an imposter, with a con. And so we're not going to feel safe in that relationship because we're not being who we truly are. But when we drop those facades, those masks, and we step into our true authenticity, and then somebody loves us, we know it's real. We know they love us. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Great conversation, awesome guests today. Let's see, we had Terry, where is my list? Terry, Steven, Paula, and Sarah. You guys brought it, you're amazing. The light in me loves and honors the light in you. I see you, you're amazing. Thanks for listening, everybody. You guys are the best. My Noom Five Tribe. I love you dearly, and I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.