Let Them Be Mad -Their Reaction is NOT Your Problem

Do you gravely fear someone being upset with you? So much that you fold on your truth, your needs, or your boundaries? You’re not alone. Many people carry this weight for years, thinking it’s safer to keep the peace than risk conflict. What we don't realize is this teaches others that our truth, needs and boundaries don't matter thus perpetuating painful situations in our lives. Peace? Far from it!

In this talk, you'll hear my shocking personal stories, the roots of this behavior ,and why it keeps showing up in our relationships. More importantly, going to learn how to heal it for good! It's time to speak your truth without fear, honor your boundaries, and stop sacrificing yourself for the comfort of others.

For FREE Resources, Book Link, 1:1 Mentoring, KB’s Self-Love Merch Shop and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen: 0:00

Hello, hello everyone. I am joining you live here on the Noom 5 app, where on my stages we talk about all things that have to do with reclaiming our personal power, self-worth recovery, relationship healing, and self-healing. And today I have a great topic for you. And of course, my topics are always inspired by something that I experience in my own life, whether it's something of the past or something current. So that's where this one came from because it was not so long ago that I had to speak up and be really honest with somebody in my life and to share something and to set a boundary with them. And I knew that person was mad. I knew they were upset. They didn't do anything, they didn't act weird, but I could feel that old, familiar pull inside of me, that people pleaser part inside of me, that unrecovered part inside of me that deeply hates when somebody is upset with me. I loathe it. It is so incredibly uncomfortable. And one of the pitfalls of people pleasing is that we deeply fear someone being mad at us, not liking us, or leaving our life. And pitfalls in this department are the sneaky downsides that come with a habit or behavior that might seem harmless at first. So think of a pitfall as a quiet cost that we don't realize we're paying for until much later. The thought of people being mad at me back in the day was all-consuming. It was something that I had difficulty concentrating on other things if somebody was upset with me. It took up much of my focus. I wanted to talk to other people about it. I hated it. I could just feel myself internally not wanting this to happen and resisting what it was that I needed to do. And like I said, it was often about a very grounded, pure place inside of me that said, hey, this behavior's not okay, or just it's speaking my truth in some department, or setting a boundary, whatever it was. And then I would sit in that aftermath and just cringe. I hated it. It was so incredibly uncomfortable. And the problem with this is that there's a space after we set that boundary, or we speak up, or we share the truth, or we talk about our feelings, or we're honest with and vulnerable with somebody about something that they're not loving, that they maybe want to deny or fight or ignore or make us wrong about. And now they're mad at us. Who can relate to that? I want to see up a see a show of emojis and let me know if you can relate to that space. And if you're on an Android device, you can click on my profile picture and you can click the say hi button, and that will you can send me a DM and say, Yep, me, or but you know, do a little hand raise emoji or whatever. Okay, yes. I see people, okay, good. See, there's my relators, there's my honest relators that are sharing. Okay, great, you guys. I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, this is a really true place for us recovering people pleasers, where we're doing our best to set our boundaries, to speak up, to to honor our needs, to respect ourselves, to honor ourselves, but now this other person doesn't like it. So there's this gap between where we speak up, that little intermediate gap, and then where typically, if you guys can relate to this, I want to see the collapse, we tend to bridge the gap because we're afraid of what might happen. We don't allow for this the silence, we don't allow for the quiet. We don't allow, yes, thank you guys for that honesty. We don't allow for them to reach back out to us. We just rush in to fill that gap because we don't like the way it feels. This is huge. This was huge in my life. This was ever present. It was always there. I didn't realize that it was wrong. I didn't, I don't know if that's the right word. I didn't realize that it was thwarting me. I didn't realize that I was sabotaging self. I didn't realize any of those things. I just was following the feeling. And when something is uncomfortable to me, I want to make it right as fast as possible. I'm gonna use past tense here. I wanted to make it right as soon as possible because since then I have learned to let them be upset, to sit in that space and feel the feels and then let it go. This took time, this took effort, this took consistency on my behalf, this took me managing my mind, this took me first and foremost to recognize the feeling, to recognize that I always wanted to rush in and bridge that gap. Because in that gap, just send up your claps if you relate. I know you guys do. We start to doubt ourselves. We start to think, oh, maybe I was too harsh, maybe I was too honest, maybe it was mean. We begin fearing and we begin overthinking, and then we begin imagining worst-case scenarios. What if they don't ever get it? What if they hate me? What if we never get through this? What if the relationship ends? And God forbid, what if they talk behind my back? Oh. This was so huge for me. So oftentimes, because that gap is so incredibly uncomfortable, we tend to rush in to quote unquote make things right. But the problem is when we rush in and either apologize, because you know, the over-apologizing that a lot of people pleasers do, we apologize for our truth or our boundary, or we may act like nothing is wrong, just reach out and say, like, hey, want to go to a movie on Saturday, or start making jokes, or pretend the thing didn't happen. What we're truly saying, what our behavior is saying, is that what I said doesn't matter. My truth, my boundary, my experience of you, my feelings about your behavior, whatever it is, doesn't matter. We're not allowing for the gap between our words, our boundary, our truth, and them actually absorbing it, processing through that, and potentially understanding. Oftentimes when we speak up, we set boundaries, we share our feelings with somebody else, we can't there's this moment of the person getting defensive, denying, deflecting, turning it around on you, acting shocked, maybe calling you crazy, acting like like what you're ridiculous. You know, there's just this moment, but we're pretty heightened in our own emotions. And it was often the emotion of anger and resentment and what's another one? It's just being over it that would promote me to finally speak up. It took a lot. So that emotion would carry me for a little while, just a little while. I'd speak up, I'd say the thing, and this is not to hurt or to harm. This was because I was over the behavior, I was over being treated like whatever it was. So that anger made me strong at first. And I would say the thing, and I would set the boundary, and then there would be the space, the gap. And in that gap, when my anger started to fade, I started to weaken. I started to question myself. I started to worry. I started to think that there was something really wrong here. And then I would back down. The problem is, is that I was cutting off the growth. I was thwarting the growth because that behavior was not allowing the other person to process through and reach necessary awarenesses or conclusions for the relationship to level. Essentially, you guys, we catch them before they fall because it's so uncomfortable to us. Now, this is a natural phenomenon for recovering people, pleasers, or people who aren't even recovering yet. Truth, thank you for coming up.

Truth: 9:12

Hey, um, yeah, great topic, Kristen. I have kind of like a statement and a question, like wanting your opinion around it. Um so one thing that I find that I found especially uh really strong when I first started expressing boundaries and learning how to hold boundaries, being a people pleaser, it was very hard for me to even like get my boundary out there in the first place to tell people. So I found myself having to do it, um, especially when like the boundary was violated and I had to like say it over and over. Um, my approach was not always appropriate. Um sometimes it's like I said it like with too much anger or in a hurtful way or even like early, very early on in an attacking way instead of a constructive way. Um, and some of the boundaries that I set early on were even like actual boundaries, um, because a boundary is like if you do this, this is like this is my line and this is what I am going to do, not I need you to do blah, blah, blah. Um, so you know, it's definitely like a learning process. But I've definitely found myself many times in a situation where I do need to apologize for the way that I presented the boundary because it was inappropriate or it was hurtful, but I don't need to apologize for the boundary itself. Yes, exactly. And it was super confusing for me at first, and now I feel like I do have a bigger grasp on it, and I think I've gotten better at it being able to separate the difference between the two and being able to circle back around with the apology. And I think something that I've found for myself is when I present the boundary inappropriately, if I do come back and apologize for the presentation and then explain in a more like calm way what the boundary is and why I need it, I've found that people are more receptive to it versus if I just like leave that inappropriate and hurtful way of expressing the boundary and let that be it, just be like, whatever, like it or don't. Um in my experience, and it could also be circumstantial of what the boundaries are, but it feels like it's harder for the other person to meet me where I'm at when I have now hurt them on top of the hurt that they've given to me, if that makes sense. Exactly. Absolutely, very, very well spoken. Um, okay, cool. Yeah, so that's that's kind of what I am navigating through just in general with my boundaries. And so I also just wanted some like perspective and opinion of like I get maybe I just want validation, honestly. Maybe I'm just having a day where I need a lot of validation.

Kristen: 12:15

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I'm like, you're very, very clear. But in this, remember yesterday's talk? I said, or maybe whatever day it was, I was saying, we have we we come to these great aha moments and theories, but yet it's only with us. And so we're like, is this even right? But eventually the world will start to validate that for us. That's where I think you're at, truth. I think you know this, and but it's like, okay, but I just came up with this myself. Am I crazy? No, you're not. And what I heard in the beginning is that you said at first you'd come out very angry. Well, for a person who I said this like three minutes before you came up. For a person who's not used to setting boundaries, sometimes we need that emotion of energy to even start setting boundaries. It's like that's like the driving force that's gonna make us speak up is the anger or the upset. So give yourself grace in that department. That was definitely me. And then you said, okay, but the way I delivered it, not cool. That's not working. So, which same thing I had to do. And so I'm gonna course correct and fix that again. More grace. Yeah, absolutely. As you have you nailed it.

Truth: 13:19

Okay, cool. Thank you. Um, yeah, and some of the times, also for anybody out there that experiences this, like I started with my boundaries, like just when I'd be like, okay, I need to set this boundary. And it's like my presentation was like too meek and too gentle and too whatever, and people weren't hearing me. And so then, because I'm an extremist, my next reaction was like, Okay, I'm gonna say it, you're not hearing me. Okay, now I'm gonna say it and you're gonna listen to me. Right. So, like finding that like middle ground is definitely like the current journey and path that I'm trying to do right now. But yeah.

Kristen: 13:59

So thank you. Thank you, Truth. Thank you so much for coming up. You guys, what Truth is talking about and just makes me so happy when she comes up, is that it's this is literally real life the way it looks. Everything that she said is like that's exactly the way it looks. But it's the self-awareness, is the going within and saying, okay, well no, this boundary is true and real, but I was kind of a jerk when I delivered it. So I'm gonna apologize for that. You know what's interesting though, truth, and anybody else that's listening, is when I would apologize for my delivery, I had people that would negate the whole thing just because I apologized for my delivery. That was not fun because then I real then I started thinking, well, I can't even apologize for my part because that that washes everything away. But here's what I learned, you guys. It was with that one person. So I stopped apologizing for my parts. I knew it inside and I would still make the correct adjustments. But I said, well, why do all these other people have to suffer? Because this person would negate everything if I apologized for my piece. So I had to work up the courage to do it again because I was afraid that was gonna happen. So I had to work up the courage again to do it in these different other relationships that were way past that one particular relationship. So the cool thing about all of this is just move through it, like be fluid. Okay, that didn't work. Let me try this. This didn't work, let me try that. And the other thing is, I talk about this a lot, and I'm just gonna throw it in because um we're talking about boundaries here. Is that the one thing that I've learned that's really, really important is that it's not about me continuing to reset the boundary, reset and reset and reset and reset every single time they do the thing. Because what happens is they don't have a consequence to their behavior. So they'll keep doing the same thing because again, they're human like we are. They're stuck in their patterns and their conditioning, they're just gonna do the same things over and over again until the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear or the uncomfortableness of looking at self and changing. Okay. So that pain's got to get bad. The pain can't get bad for them. I'm not talking physical pain. I'm talking like the pain inside the emotional pain. It can't get bad for them if we're not following up with an action boundary. So the action boundary is actually when you do the thing, here's what I'm going to do. And then I do the thing, which is hang up the phone, remove myself, don't spend time with you in this area, whatever it might be. They have to feel that again, super hard for people pleasers because of this very reason that I'm having this conversation today is that we're so afraid of people staying upset with us until we're not, until we start to work through this piece by piece, part by part, and figure these things out. And what truth is doing on her journey, I love when she comes up, because it is just real-time active things that are going on. She's like, okay, I figured this out, I figured that out. And like she said, sometimes we just need validation that we're not crazy because we've come to some cool conclusions, had aha's, epiphanies, cool awarenesses, but it came from our higher self, it came from self. So we're not really sure if this is a true thing or not. And we have to be careful as recovering people pleasers who we bring that information to. Because if it's somebody who's trying to get their way with you, they're going to minimize it or put it down or say that you're wrong because they're over here in their hidden and often unconscious manipulation strategies trying to get their way with you and everybody else in their life. I hope that makes sense. That was a lot to unpack in real time. I'm just riffing through that right now. So I hope that makes sense to you guys. If it does, send up some claps. If anybody has a question about that, feel free to ask me. Thanks, guys. I think you did get it. Awesome. Yeah, so it's finding that middle ground. So the problem is that we reach in and we save them. Thanks, everyone. Thank you. The problem is that we reach in and we save them from ownership, truth, awareness because we don't like being in that uncomfortable space. I can't tell you how many times I've done this. I I it's got to be in the thousands. Thanks, Marilyn. It's got to be in the probably the tens of thousands based on my age now and all of the relationships that I've gone through. It's I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it. It was absolutely debilitating. I could tell you stories that would blow your hair back of things that I did. I'll tell you one just because for giggles we have the time. I don't want to tell you too many details of it though, because that would make it too long. Okay, so this was with my tsunami ex. We were on vacation and a bunch of other people, and he was doing really not good behaviors, really, really bad. And of course, this is years of this now. And I just reached my fever pitch. He just got home from being off the road for five weeks and just all the things. And I basically said, you need to leave because he he, oh yeah, that's right. He got physical with me. He got physical with me because I was trying to talk to him about the situation. He got physical with me. I said, That's it, you're done. I'm taking you to the airport, and he flew back home to Phoenix. I couldn't stand the silence. I think it was the next day or even later that day, I grabbed my child and I drove home back to Phoenix by myself. This was a person who physically harmed me, but I couldn't stand the gap. I couldn't stand it. To be honest with you, the gap wouldn't have mattered anyway, because he is who he is. And he was not a person that was going to wake up. So that's the truth of that. And maybe somehow inside of me I knew that. And so I was just trying to smooth things over until that ultimate fracture actually happened. That's likely true. But I could not stand it. And that's why I want to share this with you guys today, is because if you're a person who does that reaching back out again because you don't like that gap, this talk is for you. And I titled it, Let Them Be Upset With You because Let Them Be The Space, Let Them, Whatever It Is That They Need to Do. Let them, as our beloved Mel Robin says, you have to take care of you first. Period. That's it. This person physically harmed me and I ran after them. Ugh. And I'm not even cringing when I say that. I'm saying it with mind-blown. My nervous system was so crazy, was so overwhelmed, was so whatever. And then you guys want to know what? I went home, I smoothed it over because we had a week, a beach, a beach house on the or a week, oh God, a beach house for a solid week. We'd paid for a solid week, thousands and thousands of dollars. We drove back. So can you imagine all this huge drama? I send him home on the airplane, and then I rush after him, and then we we I make nice, nice, he makes nice, nice, we smooth it and drive back. What on God's earth? This is where I came from, you guys. This is why I share these stories with you. So for you to know that if you're doing these types of things, you're not alone, you're not crazy, there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't loved yourself and deemed yourself worthy yet. So after that whole relationship crashed and burned, and I said, single and celibate, not doing this anymore, got to figure this out. And what I did was I healed my self-worth. I started to love myself in the true sense of the word love, not just self-care, because people say, oh, self-care, self-care. Uh-uh, that's a tenant of self-love, but it is not the whole thing. And when I started to do that work, this gnarly, strong foundation built underneath me. And so when I would set that boundary and speak up, I would stopped reneging on it. I stopped chasing. I stopped running after. I stopped, I had to remind myself a lot, no, this is not okay. You're not gonna go run after this person, you're not gonna try to make nice because I had the self-worth foundation. I did not have that before. And I was at the mercy of this one-inch plywood foundation that was not supporting my growth. It was not supporting my self-respect and my self-honour. Because oftentimes we cognitively know this person put me in a headlock and did this. I won't get into details, it's probably not appropriate here. And that's not okay. And it doesn't even have to be as big as this, right? It can be anything. We know it's not okay. We finally, because many for many, maybe for many, many, many years we never even spoke up. We finally have the courage to speak up. But now what? Now what? Because now I'm scared to death of what's gonna happen. Here's the one thing that I have learned for sure. Guys, ready for this? The people who truly love you, who truly love you, who want a relationship with you to continue. And I'm not just talking romantic, I'm talking siblings, friends, children, parents, the people who truly, truly love you, they will utilize that gap for the benefit of both of you. They will utilize that gap. Now, depending where they're at on that, on their journey, they may kick and scream a little bit. Their ego, their pride, their stubbornness might be in the middle of all of it. But if they start to to approach and come towards you, be open. Because it might have taken a heck of a lot for them to even do that. And so you guys are relating to that. Yeah, I think you guys understand that a lot. Lisa, EA, Karen, Michelle, Amani, yes, India, Jeanette, yeah. You guys relate to that. This has been a work in progress for me for some time, and I'm to the place now. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. As my friend says, thank you. What does she say? What did she say? She says, thank you. Buddha, Yoda, Oprah, Ellen. I don't know. She has this whole list of people. She's pretty funny. She's like, she's a creative, she's a writer, um, she's a musician, she's a lyricist, and she just, she's funny as heck, but she says something like that. But anyway, yes, thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you, universe. Thank you, source. So I got to the place where I can sit in that discomfort. And I can sit in the discomfort now, and it maybe be a one, maybe a little one on the scale of one to ten rather than a 50 on a scale of one to 10. I can sit with it now. I'm like, yeah, I don't like this. I don't like when my world's not balanced. I don't like this little upheaval. I don't, this is doesn't feel good, but I'm not gonna sit with it. I'm gonna trust love. That's really what it boils down to. I'm gonna trust the love between us. I didn't trust the love between us because at some point back in the day, unconsciously, I didn't know I was lovable. I thought I had to be someone that I wasn't. I'd already abandoned myself. I'd already, you know, was wearing masks to try to be loved in that self-abandonment. So if I'm wearing masks unconsciously, none of this we're doing consciously, you guys. We're like, oh, I just get approval in this area. Okay, I'll put on that mask and I'll be fun girl or smart girl or pretty girl or quiet girl or a boy. Okay, I'm just speaking for me. We put the mask on, but then we never trust people's love because they've quote unquote fell in love with the mask, not the true essence of who we are. So when we start to really be who we are, and self-love does this too. Self-love and self-worth actually build that foundation, but it also takes our masks off. It allows us to be authentic, it allows us to be who we naturally are. And then when people love us, there's this beautiful thing where we trust that yes, there might be a disagreement or a little bit of a disruption right now, but we truly love each other and we will work this out. I've had some not great experiences with one of my children. And I was like, okay, well, this sucks. I hate this, it's uncomfortable as hell. Did my best. I remember one, this was years ago, years ago. And this child was going through a lot, had high anxiety, and all kinds of other things that was contributing to all of this. But I remember saying, let's let's just, I love you, let's just let this breathe for a few days, and then let's talk in person. And letting it breathe for a few days, of course I thought about it. It's my baby. Of course I did, but I didn't let it ruin me. I didn't let it take my focus away from my work and things. And on that fourth day, or whenever that was, we met in person, right here in the office I'm sitting in right now, and we talked. And we came to a beautiful conclusion together. We heard each other. It wasn't through all the things, but I had to be willing to sit in that discomfort. This is a this is an important topic, isn't it, you guys? The problem with when we rush to fill that gap too soon is that it keeps us in a dysfunctional cycle. Because we will do almost anything to bypass that uncomfortable feeling. That feeling is so uncomfortable. Our brain is just searching, searching. Remember, the brain likes what's familiar, it likes to be comfortable, and even things that are not good for us, the brain deems as quote unquote comfortable because it's familiar. So I'd rather, again, the devil, I the devil I know is better than the devil I don't. Is that the quote you guys have asked that last talk? I don't remember. Two talks ago. It's something to that effect. I'd rather them be around and us be fighting, because I understand this, it's comfortable, it's familiar, than this silence between us that has never happened before. It's wonky, it's weird, but growth is wonky and weird. Growth is very uncomfortable. So I decided to sit in the discomfort. And if it got went on way too long with a particular person, I'm not necessarily talking about that time with my child. It just if it went on way too long, like way, way, way, way too long, because I was willing to sit and my resilience started to build. So whether before it was ours and I would fold, and remember, you guys, I'm setting appropriate boundaries. I'm speaking my feelings about my needs, about their behavior. I was not incorrect. And I was the folder. I was the first one to reach out. I was the first one to try to bridge the gap. And what oftentimes ended up happening, we'd get back into the same conversation, but because that person didn't have the appropriate time to process, we just cycled over and over, just thought about the same thing, trying to get that person to see my point, them trying to get me to see their point. It wasn't until I got comfortable with the gap and said, there's just a gap, no one's dying. You're not dying, they're not dying. Because remember, the remember the amygdala of the ego, it's all about keeping us alive. So the fear, even though literally I'm not thinking someone's dying in my brain, that's what the fear feels like. I gotta fix this. Someone's gonna die, someone's gonna die. Even though, like I said, it's not conscious, like I literally think someone's gonna die. That's the feeling. So it's a panic. Get comfortable, override the system, sit with the system, sit with the fear, sit with the panic, trust the love. Now, again, circling back to my tsunami ex, no matter what I did, it wasn't didn't matter. He was who he was, he was not willing to change. He's ill. I'm just gonna call it ill. That's my not a doctor. He's got some very deep things going on. No matter what I did, it wasn't gonna matter anyway. And I think that was part of my panic as I knew that. I knew that deep, deep down, I knew that this was gonna crash and burn someday. And it did in a big way, but I needed it. You know, it's one of those blessing in disguise things where it's so hard to go through at the time, but after the fact, we're like, yeah, I kind of needed that. Kind of needed that to wake me up. So the cue is open, everybody. I really want to hear from you. But I want this to marinate inside of you and to understand that your self-worth is what's gonna hold this line. Hold the line, hold the line. We hear that sometimes in movies where they're like, hold the line, hold the line. I think it's more, maybe more in war movies. But there's lines that we have to hold, and they're only lines that we can hold ourselves. One of those fun things about life and growth is nobody can do it for us. We have to hold those lines ourselves. This is the one of the main reasons, not letting people be upset of you, but being able to set boundaries and to hold boundaries, and is the one of the main reasons why I wrote my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. A spiritual guide to reclaim your true worth and attract the love you deserve. I wrote that book because this is not new news. We're all experiencing the same things. That's why truth popped ripe up and started sharing about, yeah, this, yeah. I related to everything she was saying. I'm sure you guys did too, that are in this, you know, arena with this type of thing. And I wrote that book because I wanted to get to the heart of the matter of people pleasing. And that is reclaiming your true worth and personal power. When we start to heal our inner world, our outer world naturally and organically changes with it. It can't not, because the program, the system that we are functioning from has been up-leveled. So our behavior then is going to be more supportive of us because now we know our worth. And so as I continue to know my worth and grow my worth and heal my wounds and all these things, I got stronger and stronger and stronger, but stronger didn't mean aggressive, guys. Stronger didn't mean aggressive. I got actually less aggressive. It's it's again another one of the paradoxes on the journey. You it's you just get firmer, you get more solid, but not in a jerk or stubborn type of way. It's so interesting. But you're not willing to fold anymore. Hey Truth, thanks for coming back. Oh, Truth, we have no audio. There you go. Okay. Is that better?

Truth: 34:26

Yep, we hear you. Cool. Um, there was nobody in the queue, so it was like, okay, I'm not my other thought. Early in my boundaries exploration, um, one of the really important things that my therapist brought up for me that I feel like this cannot be said enough and in enough different ways, is it's not just about defining the boundary for myself and speaking it to the other person. The other piece is making sure that the other person understands the boundary and is clear on what I'm saying. And that was like a big piece that I was missing for a really, really long time. Um because my perception of what I was saying was one thing, but the other person's perception of what I was saying was something different. So I even like found times where like we were talking about two different realities. Um, so just like going deeper and not just having the other person like repeat it back to you, but like put it in their own words. And that's really because that was an experience that I had where like my friend said back to me what I had just said in the same words, but then we came to find that like those words had different meanings for us. Yes. So going deeper and being like, how do you understand this? Like, what does this mean to you? Can like, and just like giving it time and space, like in the setting of the boundary to like communicate and make sure that like we're both on the same page. That's excellent. Um, and that was pretty much it. It was pretty quiet. So since you were like, somebody come off. Come on up, let me hear from you.

Kristen: 36:24

Because I have another thought, but well, I love that, and I want you guys to can to repeat. Don't anybody listening, don't feel bad about a repeat coming up on a stage. It's it's perfectly awesome because we have other additional thoughts, but that is very true. And I'm glad you brought that nuance to this conversation because truthfully, I remember in the days of the predecessor app, we would be having a conversation and someone would be saying, and it was like missing. I could see it missing. And I would say, okay, let me pause right here. What's your definition of whatever word? And then they would say their definition of the word, and I would say, okay, my definition of this word is this. And right there, the the gap was bridged because we had two different discs, we're talking two different languages, basically. And I know in my own personal relationships too, that I've had to sometimes break it down very elementary in saying, Do you understand first the feeling that I'm feeling with this? Yes, I do. Okay, can you see how that doesn't feel good? Like I had to really break it down with some people too who just weren't picking it up straight away. So yeah, great contribution.

Truth: 37:36

Yeah, definitely. Thank you. And then I'm just gonna do like a quick little plug for you. Your people pleaser book is absolutely amazing. And I'm almost done with it. And anybody who struggles with this, like, please go out and get it. Like the way that you priced the Kendall version is just like, I mean, clearly, you were just trying to share the message with people. Um, it is it is very affordable, y'all. Like, you can get it on Amazon. The Kendall version is great. Um, and yeah, just thank you for like bringing all of these pieces to the world from your perspective and with your words because it's just it's incredibly relatable and just so helpful. So thank you.

Kristen: 38:20

Thank you, Truth. Your checks in the mail. Thank you. All right, I'm gonna jump off. I appreciate that. Vice sister, thanks for coming up again. Uh, that was really sweet. No, I don't, I didn't not paying truth to say that. I'm just letting everybody know that was just a cute joke. It it it made me misty when people appreciate my work because I put so much heart into what I teach and what I say. And I've taken a long time to cultivate the right, to cultivate the right words and to grow my vocabulary and try to be to express myself in a clean way so people, it was relatable, which I hear a lot, by the way, from people. They say, I love the way you speak. Like you you keep things very much in layman turns that are very relatable. And I'm um, I worked on that. I wanted to be. I wanted people to understand because I want us all to thrive, people. I want us all to thrive. Uh, thank you so much, Truth. I appreciate that. In the regards to setting boundaries and whatnot, we always have to be careful that we are holding up our side of the street. That whatever it is that we're speaking about, that we maintain our cool, our calm, our integrity, that we don't, you know, say something that we shouldn't say, because I needed to know that I was doing everything possible on my side of the street. I was staying calm, I was being assertive, I was using I feel statements, I was talking in a way the best possible way that this person could hear me. How they take it is up to them. It's our job to protect ourselves, it's our job to recognize. Where we're not being treated well and to speak up for ourselves. And sometimes people aren't gonna like that. This is where this topic comes from is we have to be willing to sit in that when we know that we have done the best on our side of the street, then we have to let them work on their side of the street. Hi Amani, welcome. Hey, Miss Kristen, happy belated birthday. Thank you. Are you feeling better?

Imani: 40:27

A little bit, you know. I'm sure everyone's like, what voice is that? Yeah, you don't you don't sound bad. Yeah, because my throat is very sore. I'm sorry. Yeah, but it'll be okay. But this kind of conversation rings true on so many different levels. For me, I had to be okay with them being upset. Because I'm being the fever pleaser, I would move the boundary. Not them move the boundary, I would move the boundary. That's a great way to say it. That's a great way to say it. Instead of like staying true to the boundary, because oh, they're a little bit upset. Oh, I've ruffled the feathers. Nope. I'll backtrack, I'll backtrack, I'll backtrack. And my therapist had asked me this question. She says, Why are you trying so hard to make up excuses for them? Ouch.

Kristen: 41:21

Yeah. Your therapist's in the closet, right? In the corner.

Imani: 41:26

In the corner, the closet, the backseat, the trunk, she was everywhere. I was like, I never thought of it that way. She's like, it shouldn't be so important for you to have someone in there in your life that's really not contributing to your life. She's like, you're adding more pain and pressure on yourself because now you're questioning: are you a good enough friend? Are you a good enough person? Are you a good human? When you stay true to who you are the whole time. But because you were uncomfortable being alone, not isolated, alone, you will f you will go ahead and take whatever they give you and just keep replicating it. But once you take time to be okay with being alone, you realize who really is for you and who's against you. True. And in this last year, that has been very profound of okay, who's for me and who's against me. And even if they're against me, I'm like, that's okay because you're human, you're living a similar life. Life is life and is throwing you hard knocks, like it's throwing me hard knocks. It's just you can't stay in the same position of my life because of it. I need dot, dot, dot. And I and I had to be okay with if they don't meet that, it's not a bad thing. I just know what I need, I know what I deserve, I know what I want. And for me, it's not to just be tolerated. And that's what my relationships felt like. They're just tolerating me until they need something from me. But if I'm needing it, nope, they exit stage right. It would always and to me, it's like any relationship we have, it's a give and take. It shouldn't be 90% one person, 10% the other. You should have some give and take. You should be growing from each other, you should have understanding of each other. You you should know where they are, but then you also want to grow them to their greater with them. You're gonna be the cheerleader for them too. You're gonna want to see them do good things. But also you're deserving of other people wanting the same for you too. Absolutely. And if you're not, if they're not, it's okay to say, you know, I understand you're at capacity, but this is what I need in this stage of my life right now. It doesn't make that person any less. And I used to look at that like that too. And the biggest other lesson I had to learn was I had to stop putting unrealistic expectations on myself and others that they didn't know they had to meet. Because that ended up causing more pain for me. Because no one knows the bar. I don't even know my own bar that I've created. Take the bar down. Just take the bar down. Have those crucial conversations that, yeah, at the moment they might feel like they're heavy, but they're necessary. Because, like truth said, each side needs to have an understanding of what the other one needs right that moment. And if they don't feel or see or understand where you're at, again, that causes more frustration on your part. So it's always good to one, create the boundary, to make sure it's a healthy, safe boundary, but you gotta stick to the boundary because you are showing everyone else how to treat you by how you treat yourself. So if they see you constantly compromising your boundary, they're like, Well, I compromise your boundary too, because you're not even staying true to your own boundary. It's okay to be alone. Because I know for me, I'm learning more about myself being alone than trying to stay busy in everyone else's life and their perception of me. I love you guys.

Kristen: 45:06

Love you, Amani. Feel better. Hope your throat feels better soon. Oh, yes, so much of all of that. Like Amani said, she can say to the people, I realize you're at capacity. And you know what I wrote down? Or you're incapable at this moment. And if somebody is incapable at this moment of treating me with respect, kindness, love, whatever it might be, then they can take their little incapable selves over there. And they can just stay over there until they decide that they're going to be capable of treating me that way. But again, it's the foundation. It's the foundation that we're setting. It's the building of those blocks. It is solidifying, turning our foundation from two two inch, or I'm sorry, one inch plywood to 20 feet of cement with a rebar where you're unflappable, where you're not going to move, you're not going to change that boundary line. You're not going to redefine the boundary or pull the boundary back completely because you're afraid of this person being upset with you. I truly hope in this conversation today that you're feeling validated on some respect because you don't beat yourself up if you're recognizing this. Don't feel ashamed if you're recognizing this. You guys heard my story. There's more where that came from. Half of them I don't even remember anymore because I'm so far past them. We do those things until we don't. But learning to truly, truly love ourselves and respect ourselves and honor ourselves and forgive ourselves, we start to build this beautiful foundation between but below us, or within us, really, is where it is. But it sounds better below us. And then that's where we start to come from when we are setting these boundaries, or even when it's not even a boundary, maybe we're just sharing our feelings. We're just saying, hey, that hurt my feelings with a friend, and you know, then there's this awkwardness between you, and then you're afraid of the awkwardness. So it's not always a boundary, it can just be honest conversation. Hi, Karen. Thanks for coming.

Karen: 47:18

Hi. Um, I just wanted to say thank you. Um, I I'm amazed at how authentic you are and relatable. Like many things you talk about, I can relate to in my own experiences um as well with exes. Um so I just want to say thank you, and I want to say thank you to Truth uh for saying your book again, because I wrote it down quick because I didn't catch the name. So thank you. Oh welcome. I was just um thinking as you're talking about um communication, like for me, so I try to communicate clearly, but I think we all think we're doing that sometimes, and and I wonder that I have to like catch myself. Am I hearing what people are saying? Am I actively listening? And so I wonder if that's a piece of the boundaries. Are we are we hearing? Are we listening? Like, yeah, what are we really doing? Right. So sometimes, you know, I'll from for myself, my kids will say, you know, do you hear me? Are you listening to me? And I have to catch myself, like, am I hearing you? Am I listening to you? Um, you know, am I distracted or whatever it is? So, you know, are you present when somebody's saying what they're saying, or do you really want to receive that information as the other piece? I think.

Kristen: 48:45

Yeah.

Karen: 48:45

At times. And I think sometimes too, do we want to put in the effort to change the pattern? Because yes, we're setting boundaries, but you have to put that effort in to change those, those negative patterns that we have like adapted to for so so so so long, right? And we're they're embedded, right? So we're we're working so hard to change those patterns that have become comfortable, but we're uncomfortable, but you have to be comfortable uncomfortable again to change the patterns, but how uncomfortable are you gonna be to get out of that discomfort, right?

Kristen: 49:24

Yes.

Karen: 49:25

At the same time, so um, you have to upset the balance.

Kristen: 49:30

Yes.

Karen: 49:31

So those are the things that like came to mind for me while you were talking um about boundaries, because I do think you know, self-worth, self-respect is important, but when you were saying like you went back because you didn't like the silence, you know, silence is uncomfortable, and and you put your through, you know, you obviously put yourself through so much, but I definitely could relate to that because I was married for a long time in just an unhappy marriage for so so long. Um, and I'm happily divorced. Um yeah, yeah, yeah for a long time, and I've been alone a long time um by choice, and I'm ready to get back out there now. Um, but I'd rather be alone than unhappy. So, you know, you make a conscious choice, but again, you you have to break those patterns. So um I think it's so important what you say, and you really strike me on so many levels. Um, so I try to jump on and listen to you, but but thank you for that. Um, but I hope you know what I'm saying like strikes other people because those are the things that hit me, like hearing it, listening, and receiving the information. Because if you're not open and your heart's not open and your mind's not open, you can't receive information. Yes, and if you if you want boundaries, you have to respect other people's boundaries as well.

Kristen: 51:02

So oh yes. Oh yes. Thank you for that, Karen. That was an excellent share.

Karen: 51:09

Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Kristen: 51:12

You're welcome. I appreciate you. Karen, the name of the book is The Recovering People Pleaser, and there is a link to it on my link tree. If you click on my profile picture, that takes you to my profile and then it'll say my link tree if you click on that. The Amazon link is on my link tree. And but if you have it, also is on 40,000 other book selling sites. So if you have one that's just a find it there too. That's what's okay, great. Thank you. Thanks, Karen. You're welcome. I'll be back. Okay, thank you. I appreciate you. That's what the uh both times that you know, my first book and my second book when I had them um published, that's what they said. They're like, there's some 40,000 bookselling sites. I was like, okay. So I think you know, it just generally shoots out somehow. And I think it's print to order. I think that's what they do now. But the Amazon's the quick one. And also, I just want to make another birthday request since it's the day after my birthday. I would really appreciate if any of you who have read my book or reading it now and feel called to do so, to jump over to that same link, use that same link, and leave me a five-star rating and review. The amount of reviews I have over there compared to the amount of books that have been sold is very lopsided. So I would love if you guys jumped over there. I don't even think you have to use your real name if you don't want to, guys. You just type in a name, but that would be really great. I'd really appreciate that. Use the same link that's on my link tree. And somewhere on there it'll say review or write review. I think it says write review or something like that. Anyway, you might have to click, excuse me, on the reviews, the stars first, the review section first. And then that'll take you to another page, and then there should be something on there. I can't remember how everything works for every site. It's just too much too much technology. I do super appreciate though Karen coming up and saying she relates. And that's why I tell these stories, is because I know people will relate. Because really, we're all, like I said, we're all doing a lot of the same stuff, you guys. It's just the way of the brain, the way we're wired, the way that we see certain particular situations in our life, which is why I can bring a topic like this, let them be upset with you. And it's gonna relate to so many people because it's part of life. It's a natural and normal part of life that we're gonna have these disagreements. And we talked a lot about boundaries today, but this would just be just uncomfortable things. Like, I was at the gym the other day. This was nothing, this was nothing big deal. And I don't even know if the person thought it was a big deal. But one of my gym friends just wants to talk about politics, and I don't talk polys with people. I just, I just don't. Like there's so many other amazing things that I can focus on in my life than politics. But he was coming at me and telling me all these things, and he was like getting fired up and he was getting really intense about it. And I said, you know what? I just don't believe everything that I hear. I just use discernment. Anyway, I was very neutral, very smile on my face, very placid, very calm, very whatever, but I couldn't wait to get away from him. I didn't want to hear it anymore. And so he could probably tell on some level, because energy, we read each other, and I slowly just was back in a way while he was continuing to go. And then I hadn't seen him for a couple of days. And I thought to myself, remember recovering people, please are always he mad at me? Is it obvious that I didn't like that? Or do I need to tell him that I'm not going to talk about politics anymore with him? Or he just, you know please don't bring up politics to me, or that's a topic that's off. I thought about all of this and there was this little uncomfortable feeling inside of me. And then I said, Who cares? So if he's mad at me, if I didn't agree with him, because I was pushing back a little bit because he is one of those persons that believes every single thing that he hears. And I was kind of pushing back a little bit and saying, you know, just open your mind a little bit. You might be surprised, but you find out. And he was getting more intense and more intense. And I was like, okay. So there was that part of me that questioned this. I'm like, mmm. And then I said, it will be what it will be. And then the next time I saw him at the gym, he's a he's a silly little man. He comes and finds me and he's like, What are you doing? How was your birthday? And you know, everything was fine. I, I had to sit in the discomfort of the awkwardness. I was just like, I don't know about this. I don't know about this because it feels weird to me. So, this is what I'm saying to you guys is that just because it's awkward and uncomfortable, just because you don't know the ending yet or how this is gonna go or how they're gonna process through it, doesn't mean it's wrong. Let them be upset with you, let them take some time, let it be quiet. If you truly spoke up about something that means something to you, it is your truth, it is your feelings, it is your experience of this person, it is your boundary that you need to set to protect yourself, you are not wrong. And like Karen said, sometimes, not sometimes, I say all the time, it's better to be alone than in bad company. And sometimes that company is quote, bad with the people we love the most, but just momentarily. So allowing that space, allowing those days to pass by, I've noticed that three is a very good number. For some reason, three days, I think people first they they have the first day to get, they're all in their mad stuff, and then the second day they're starting to come down, and by the third day, they maybe are seeing things a little bit more clearly. Not saying this is standard, uh, it's just a theory of mine, a working theory that I have. But I have seen three be a really magical number many, many times, and you can do it for three days. You can do it. Let them be upset. I know it's weird, I know you don't like it. But if you back down, if you renee, what you're saying is I don't matter. My feelings, my boundaries, my needs don't matter. I just can't stand this discomfort. And beloved, we have to make ourselves matter. We're the only ones that can do this. We have to make ourselves matter. When I realized that I was the only one that could do this for me, I didn't, I'm saying this jokingly, okay, but you think I didn't have a little pity party inside myself? I just wanted to be saved. I just wanted something out external than me that could fix this rather than me going into the discomfort. And, you know, and how many times we bang our head against the wall with that, it's it's never gonna change. We have to be our own saviors. That's all there is to it in this particular way. No one can do this for us. We're the only ones that are with ourselves all the time. So we have to be the willing the ones willing to do it. And sometimes it's gonna be uncomfortable. Welcome up, Cher. Thank you for joining me. Hello, how are you?

Sher: 58:42

Hi, doing great. It's a quiet day here at work, and I'm actually taking a little break on my back patio.

Kristen: 58:50

Nice. Are you at home? Do you work in a bit in an office or your own home? Do you work from home? I work at home. Oh, nice.

Sher: 58:57

Yes, but somebody started mowing a lawn or something right when I got on the phone with you and how we're gonna do it.

Kristen: 59:02

Yeah, but can you can you change locations because it's inside?

Sher: 59:06

Okay, great. But I just wanted to say that I like that idea of the three days. And you know, it's hard to do that sometimes when you're still kind of working through yourself and trying to be confident that it's all okay, even though you know you haven't heard from the person. You know, you don't have to go rush in there and start talking to them, you know, let it be, let it rest. And it's hard. I'm still learning to do that.

Kristen: 59:31

Yeah.

Sher: 59:32

But three days seems like a good, a good amount of time. Because then it shows your your your self-worth a little bit in that.

Kristen: 59:42

Yes. Is someone blowing them up?

Sher: 59:49

I don't know what they're doing, but see, it's a small apartment, so there's only some people making some running from it. But you know, it's an apartment.

Kristen: 1:00:01

So now it's good. Now it's good.

Sher: 1:00:03

But for though quiet down for a second.

Kristen: 1:00:05

Oh my gosh, you guys. When I went on my morning walk yesterday, I at one point just had to cover my ears. Because I like to go really early when no one's really up. But if I go at the crack of dawn, all the landscapers are out. I was the blowers, the lawn mowers, the loud trucks driving by. I just looked at Doug and I was like, it is so loud out here. He goes, it he goes, it really is. This has been a really disruptive walk. Right? So, you know, I totally understand. But yeah, the three taking the time with the three days. And like you said, you're still working through this year, so am I. It's I'm way better than I used to be. I would not go run and chase an abuser anymore, that's for sure. But I still, I still don't like it. And I want that to be, I want everyone to hear that that that's normal. It's normal to feel that discomfort because our world is rocked a little bit, right? It's rocked a little bit. You're gonna feel that. But we're not gonna die if we sit in it, right? Right, right.

Sher: 1:01:03

We sit in it, we yeah, we find our way through. And if you do just sit quietly and think it through, you can make it through the hurdles, those little tempting moments when you want to just give in, but then you realize, you know, you don't need to. There's no point, it's fine, and just go back to your own life.

Kristen: 1:01:24

Okay, that was an excellent point right there.

Sher: 1:01:27

Yeah.

Kristen: 1:01:27

That if when that moment comes up where we're just we got the phone or whatever it might be, and we're ready to do the thing, just sit with the emotion. And I would say to myself, I matter, my feelings matter, my peace matters, my boundary matters. Kristen, you can't do this. I've had to talk myself through things, and then sometimes you all, and I did it anyway. All right, it's gonna take some time. Give yourselves the grace to to work through this.

Sher: 1:01:59

Yep, yep. So, yes, every day is a journey, but it's okay because that's how we're learning and enjoying life, right?

Kristen: 1:02:07

It absolutely is, and then when we do have those wins, because that sometimes we we fold right before the win's gonna happen. Right. We just can't stand it, we just can't stand it anymore. And we fold right, right. Then when we've waited a little bit longer than the last time and a little bit longer than that, and then all of a sudden there's something different, that can start to fuel the us doing that at more in the future. Like, okay, well, that actually worked. Yeah, I can do this again, yeah.

Sher: 1:02:38

And that works with a lot of different things, not just relationships, but like when you're working on, you know, eating better and exercising more and all these things, you know. You true, you can just, you know, take a moment, you know, why am I grabbing that hunk of cheese? There's no reason for it. Let's just calm down, go take a walk, you know, take a breath, and you know, pass through it. And then you can get better control of your your your you know, your devices of trying to satisfy yourself, find other ways to satisfy yourself.

Kristen: 1:03:12

You know, you brought something up I should have brought up in my life, life hack conversation yesterday is to walk it out. There's something really cool neurologically that happens that when we go walk it out when we're feeling something, we just go walk. Right. Something happens within us.

Sher: 1:03:27

Yes. Even in your own home, if you just like kind of walk around, um, maybe just yeah, pick up a couple things and put them away.

Kristen: 1:03:37

Oh, so true, Cher. Thank you. Just timed out, my dear. Excellent contribution, and thank you so much for coming up and for the comic relief. For those of you who don't know this, when I was on the predecessor app, I did a lot of my talks while I was walking. And oh my gosh, blower central here, leaf leaf blower, if you guys don't know what that is in Arizona. Everybody's blowing, we just blow and blow and blow and blow. Everybody's blowing, everybody's always blowing. And so it was just like a it was a funny joke. Um, one of my friends that used to speak on here as well, she lives in New York City and she didn't understand what it was. She was like, What is going on? I'm like, Oh, you don't even know. And then she came out here and lived out here for a month, and she started posting about it. She was like, God, Arizona just blow all the time. We do. They just have their blowers out and they have these turbo packs, you know, it's on their back, and they, oh gosh. But anyway, it's it's very noise disruptive and they're pretty loud. I'm worried about those landscapers if they don't have earmuffs on or noise canceling because their hearing's gonna go. All right, I'm gonna dip into this is a long time ago, but I'm gonna dip into what people have said. Um, I'm not gonna read this person's name. I have always been a people pleaser and I've learned to say no recently. Very good. I had to say no to my boss this weekend for picking up another client. I also, I have also cut my son's phone calls off for a while. Good. I had to set these boundaries for my well-being and mental wellness. My heart hurts, but I had to do this. Sending you so much love. I can see that they're not online, but that is, I'm very proud of this person for being able to do this. Um, and then these are private. So I'm not going to, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna read that after the fact because someone sent me one that's very private. And then someone wants the abandonment work sheet, and um this person says, Growing up, if my dad got angry, he wouldn't talk to anyone, sometimes for weeks, and we all crept around the house to not upset him. As an adult, I can't stand if someone won't talk to me if we're at odds. I go crazy internally. I'm getting much better, but it is still really uncomfortable. The silence. I understand 100%. I get that. That's that's rooted in trauma. So that's another piece of this equation that we can bring up is that that was a very traumatic experience for this person, the what their father did. So when that happens to them, that's actually an abandonment wound. What by the way? That's abandonment, that's emotional abandonment. So the that gap of space, I'm so glad I read that. That gap of space can feel like abandonment over and over again. And we can be triggered in that space. And we can heal in that space, though, too. So please know. Oh, okay. I see the other person that I was reading their message says, I am here. Okay. It says off, oh now it says online. Okay, that was must must have been a weird glitch, but thank you for your your back channel message. I appreciate that both of you. I I love when you guys speak out because it it really helps people understand that they're not alone. And now we have my little sister Rachel. Hi, Rachel.

Rachel: 1:07:01

Hi, oh my goodness. That letting them be annoyed or angry or whatever. Being a recovering people pleaser myself, that that just made me like it stressed me out. I'm surprised I didn't lose hair over worrying about, well, if I do this, then this one's gonna be annoyed. If I do now I'm just like, you know what, you have the same pants as my granny used to say. You have the same pants to get glad in. To get what? Glad in. What does that mean? It means if if you can get mad in those pants, you can get glad in them too. Oh, that's oh granny. I love that granny. But she used to say that. She's like, you know what? They got their nose out of joint, but they had the same pants to get glad in, so and I'm like, Wow, you are smart.

Kristen: 1:07:55

That's some serious wisdom right there.

Rachel: 1:07:57

It is. I'm like, if only I'd listen to that back then. Because it used to drive me crazy to the point I would sacrifice what I wanted to do and base it around everybody else because I didn't want anybody upset. And finally I'm like, you know what? If it's my day or it's my thing, I'm gonna do it my way. And you can come or you don't have to. And if you get upset, I'm sorry, but as they say, you can please some of the people all the time, and all the people some of the time. But you can't please all the people all the time. So please yourself first.

Kristen: 1:08:41

Yes. Take care of yourself first, honor yourself, respect yourself.

Rachel: 1:08:46

Exactly. And I've also learned some of the people you can't please any of the time.

Kristen: 1:08:51

That's true too.

Rachel: 1:08:54

And now I'm learning like they if they grow with you, like you said, they'll get over it in a couple days.

Kristen: 1:09:07

Hopefully.

Rachel: 1:09:08

Hopefully.

Kristen: 1:09:09

Most of the time they're too if they love you.

Rachel: 1:09:11

If if they don't, are you really that bad off without them?

Kristen: 1:09:18

I know. It's a good point.

Rachel: 1:09:21

There's my other thing I learned is if they they say mad about something, and half of it's trivial, were you really that good with them, and are you really that bad without them? Huge. And those are some of the lessons I've learned over the last couple years, because I was so worried. Now it's like Am I really gonna put everybody else ahead of me and just push me down? And like, I've had enough of that. Why am I doing it to myself? As a very wise woman, Wandering Fool said, if you have to be the villain, then ooga booga. Where has she been?

Kristen: 1:10:09

I haven't heard her. I don't know. I miss her. Yeah, I might reach out to her and say, girl, where are you? She's probably just busy working. She works out late night, just been missing my talks, probably. Goodness.

Rachel: 1:10:21

I cannot do the shift she does and function during the daytime. I'd just be like talking out of my head.

Kristen: 1:10:27

Oh, I know. So, Rachel, because I've watched your transformation, many of us have. Where do you think you found the courage or the strength? Like, where did you finally start to go? You know what? I gotta stop spending so much time worrying about them and focus more on me.

Rachel: 1:10:46

Part of it was when I hit that really crappy year. Some of them just were like, oh, well, let me know when you're better, so we can hang out. Kind of, kind of like they didn't come around. They didn't want to deal with pulling me out of the muck after I've done it for them. And it's kind of like, you know what?

Kristen: 1:11:06

Like a little wake-up call.

Rachel: 1:11:08

And it was a wake-up call. Kind of like, okay, you've been there with me through some stuff, but I really need my support system right now, and you're MIA.

Kristen: 1:11:22

Let me ask you this too, because a lot some of this had to do with a crappy ex, right? Like a poor behavior. It was a crappy guy, yeah. Right. So then, see, we this is what happened to me. My tolerance, I was so, gosh, I don't even know the words. You can come back, Rachel. You're gonna time out 18 seconds, but let me try to let me try to unpack this real time here. I my tolerance, I don't know, it's not the right word. I got so my nervous system, I guess, was so shot that dealing with I guess my tolerance decreased for the crap of the other people. Does that sound does that make sense? I would I'm curious if Rachel had that same experience because I had was dealing so long and so hard in this other area that I my body knew I just needed love and marshmallows and and support. And when that wasn't coming, it was like because I had lost tolerance dealing with this other person, that kind of filtered over to you guys who don't care at all. Does that make sense? Am I unpacking this correctly, you guys?

Rachel: 1:12:32

Yes, I think you are. Okay, because I completely understand it, because even now I've noticed my tolerance for some of this stuff is like, no, I'm just done with it.

Kristen: 1:12:43

That's what I was gonna say. The I was worn down so I could see it more clearly in places that I didn't have it.

Rachel: 1:12:53

Exactly. Okay, I I completely relate to that one. Yeah, and in some of them, I'm even like I've hit the point where I'm like, no, I'm done, and I've been rein back in, like, no. My voice is a reason. My mom is just like Rachel. That wasn't that bad. Calm down just a little bit. You're kind of going from one to the other, so hit in the middle. Okay, but a lot of it, yes, I see it because my tolerance, I'm just like, I'm an adult now. Why am I dealing with fifth graders? That's what I always ask questions. Why am I still dealing with fifth graders? And she's like, I don't know, because we love our fifth graders. I'm like, we do, but do we have to put up with this? Yeah, and in adult people. Exactly. Um we had that conversation the other day. She said something, I said, because you and I are out of fifth grade. And she's like, Yeah. Yeah, that's that's that's why I'm like, yeah. But that's what we call it when they they hit that. It's not narcissistic, but it's a little self-absorbed.

Kristen: 1:14:04

Yeah. What do we call it? Mm-hmm.

Rachel: 1:14:07

I think that's what I'd call it. It's more self-absorbed. It's not exactly narcissistic, they're not there.

Kristen: 1:14:14

I what I say, what how I've termed it is they can't see past the nose on their face.

Rachel: 1:14:18

Exactly.

Kristen: 1:14:19

Yeah, they can't see past themselves. Yeah. Because, like you said, it's not a narcissist because that word gets thrown around way too much, but it's quite apparent, it's all about them. Exactly. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I know.

Rachel: 1:14:33

I I've dealt with that. But yeah, I I completely understand where you said. Like, once you saw that, it's like like you always say, it's like the squeegee on the windshield. It's like once you clean that one little spot, then then you're like, oh crap, I need to clean the whole windshield.

Kristen: 1:14:54

Well, thank you for having us. Thank you, Rachel. Yes, I appreciate you coming up, sis. Thanks for coming. You're welcome. Have an excellent day. Okay. That's Rachel, everyone. Rachel's been with us since I want to say March, April of 2024. So she's had her year anniversary here on Noom Vibe. And uh wow. Like I said, you guys, this is why you show up here. You make friends with people, you meet people, a whole bunch of people met up. Yeah, exactly right. It was April. She said, you know, we met up with a, or I didn't end up being able to go, but a crew met up in uh South Carolina or North, you guys. Um I think it's South. Uh, last April, I ended up getting really sick, so I couldn't go. I was sick for a long time. It turned into pneumonia, yada yada. But um, this is what happens. You get this tremendous crew around you, and and so often, you guys, it's a crew we didn't even know we needed, or we didn't even know that was possible to have. That's how it was for me. And per the last conversation that we were talking about, you're losing tolerance. I had to get to the place where I I was so beat down from people treating me. Can you can can anybody hear me? Robin says she can't hear me. If you can hear me, send up claps. Yes, okay. Robin, it must be on your end ear because people can hear me. Okay. But I had gotten so beat, worn down, I guess, to where, man, I started losing, I didn't have patience or tolerance for any crap. But in the grand scheme of life, that worked for me. I needed to because my, I call it my leash, my lead, my space, my gap, my patience was huge, massive. And I believe I needed to have that whittle down so that I could get more clear and see the people around me and be like, yeah, that's not okay. That's not okay. You don't give a hoot about anybody but you. You're never here from me. You don't give me five minutes of your time. See what I'm saying? I had to like filter through and realize, or I had to be worn down to start to filter through. Um, okay, Robin, I hope you got your sound back. And let's see, I'm going to my messages. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This person was talking about the dad that would just like go into silent treatment, and they said I never thought of it as being an abandonment wound, kind of mind-blowing. Yep, it is. Absolutely is. All right, you guys. Let me see what we got going on here. All right, we're gonna bring up Terry, and then we're going. Oops, I'm not sure if I hit the right button because somebody else popped in right at the same time that I was clicking the button. Oh, it's Lois. Hey Lois. That was so funny. I was clicking Terry right when you joined the queue. I'll let Terry come out. I'll come back out. Okay. All right, I'll I'll bring Terry up and then I'll bring you up. Okay, you guys, and then we're gonna stop after Lois because I am past my time, but I would love to hear from both of them on this conversation. Terry, welcome.

Terry: 1:18:11

Yeah, well, I only want to take a minute or two anyway.

Kristen: 1:18:14

You're fine, Terry. Take your time.

Terry: 1:18:16

Okay. Um, yeah. Now, what I will say is when you do stop being a people pleaser and um you set your boundaries and things, um, sometimes you use a sledgehammer to crack a nut. So what what I'm trying to say by saying that is you look you do realize that you go from one extreme to the other. Whereas you as a doormat, then you become the incredible Hulk, and you have to find that um that that balance and be diplomatic, and then you know, then you're in your full sovereignty and power. So so what I'm saying is you set your boundary, but you're polite with it. You know what I'm trying to say, KB?

Kristen: 1:19:02

Yeah, for some people they have to they have to overcorrect first before they and not all people though, because I wasn't an over-corrector. I didn't go way over to the extreme and then come back. And but then I I watched and viewed other people do that. And I was like, okay, that's just part, we're all different. It's just like driving, where someone might just be able to make a nudge, but another person might go, oh my gosh, and do a quick swerve. So yeah, and if you overcorrect, that's okay. At least you're aiming in the right direction, at least you're trying to do the things you weren't doing before.

Terry: 1:19:34

That that that's that's perfectly true, yeah. Because um you you you're it's a learning curve, you know. And um when you've spent a lot of your life, you know, bending over backwards for other people and not worrying about yourself because you didn't think you was important or you you know, you you weren't valid in some way, then you do go and um yeah, you revel in it, and you I must admit I did enjoy some of it, but um, but but but now I I think I've got a balance. Right. And um, yeah, you don't have to be rude with people. You just stand your ground and speak your truth. Thank you, KB.

Kristen: 1:20:07

Well, Terry. Terry, were you one of the oh, you hung up on me. Okay. I was gonna ask you, Terry, you can back channel if you want. If you were one of those people that overcorrected, or if you did the slow enter into the the world of boundaries. Very curious. Uh I'm curious about all of you. So if any of you want to answer that question, you can send me a DM about how that looked for you. I had to, I okay, Terry said a bit of both. I was I was always here's mine was different, even. I was always okay. Okay, Steven said slow. I was always a person that would speak up. I would say what was I had no problem speaking my feelings about someone's behavior. That that was never a problem. I didn't know about really true actual boundaries back then and what they looked like and what they meant. But I had no problem speaking up, but I couldn't hold it. So it wasn't the actual speaking up about it. And the holding of it for me, that was definitely a slow improvement. And that was like micro step improvement because holding them was hard for me. That was where the fear came up for me. So that's how it looked for me. I'm curious about you guys. So you feel free to answer that question if you want. Now we have my sister Loise coming in. Hey, thank you. I'm glad I didn't miss you.

Loyce: 1:21:26

I'm like, oh my god, I've been doing this so long. I'm missing, but good. I got in on the end and on the bottom end of it. But yeah, appoint disappointing people or people getting upset with you, conflict. Oh shoot, that's just human. Get used to it. Yeah. Somebody's gonna get upset or disappointed or be misunderstood. And you you normalize this, it doesn't affect you as much. And then the other thing is everybody's gonna have a reaction. My reaction ain't your reaction, and your reaction ain't my reaction. Everybody's gonna respond to face based on their internal belief systems. Okay, so they might paint me as the villain when I'm actually thinking I'm the hero. Okay, and somebody might get upset, and then we can't control nobody else's feelings. So why worry about? Oh, I'm gonna upset them. Me and me and CC was talking about this the other day. Well, they get upset, they get upset. That ain't on us. We have just we have to express what's going on inside of us. And I was like you, I was the boundaries was really hard because I'm I was so forgiving and and and erasing, I had to forgive and erase it. And erase it for to do that, but I would forgive and erase it. Now I can forgive and erase and it's no problem. But I was forgiving, eras it, and I wouldn't but forget all about they did something until they do something else. And so the boundary line kept moving. And the more I moved the boundaries, the more they ran over. And when I said no hearing no further, of course, they doubled down and got angry and wanted to holler and scream and get two inches from my face and try to intimidate me, but I you can't do that. I I don't upset easily. Just like I don't, I don't, I have a lot of patience. I have a lot of patience. Sometimes, and I I say that sometimes too much so with certain people. So it's about knowing yourself and recognizing who you're dealing with. You can't have the same amount of patience with one person as you do with another. Okay. One person, you may need to give them a whole lot because they just ain't getting it. The other person, you don't you may have to say, look, I didn't told you already, I don't that I don't have no patience for this. That's it, that's all. You know, and I know this being upset with somebody sparks my growth because it makes me get deep. It makes me say, okay, why is this bothering me? What is this my boundaries? Is this the childhood wound? Is whatever. And I know that the the uh discomfort is only temporary, okay? And it's the doorway to me walking into a healthier, more authentic connection and self, okay. And the last part, getting other people getting angry with you is a sign of you self-respecting, okay? I mean, sign that I'll say something.

Kristen: 1:24:22

Okay, let's pause right there. Okay, you guys, did you just hear what she says? Other people getting mad at you means you're doing the right thing. Yes, yes, in this department, yeah.

Loyce: 1:24:34

Yeah, because in in this way, because you're acting in alignment with your truth, with your values, with your boundaries, and not everybody's gonna agree with your truth, your your boundaries, and your values, okay? And if somebody comes upset, that's a process. Because if I get upset, if I you said something and Kristen, and I got upset with you, I'm not upset with you. I'm upset by what you said because you triggered something in me. And maybe I didn't want to ready, wasn't ready to feel that crap yet, okay? But I'm I'm brave now, whether I'm ready to feel it or not, I allow myself to feel it. Okay, but when you stand calmly in your own integrity while allowing uh other people to have their own emotions, this this is self-respect for you. Because you're saying I I respect myself enough to stand up for what I believe in. Now, if they don't like it, that's on them. I can't control what somebody else likes or dislikes about me. I really can't. I really, really can't. And I've tried for years. Oh my god, that's what the people pleasing was. That's great. That's what the people please was about. Trying to make sure I didn't step on nobody's feet, trying to make sure nobody felt hurt by what I did, trying to make sure nobody didn't understand. Uh uh, did you know what I'm saying? So it's like I got to the place where some people were intent on misunderstanding me. Okay, because they weren't in a mindset to even hear the truth or see the truth. And I keep thinking I was one of the people who believe that just because I got it, everybody got it. Yep. That was an assumption, and I realized that I uh ass oomed, I may, I'm I I may made an ass out of myself when I assumed that they thought like I did that everybody played by the same rules.

Kristen: 1:26:24

Yes. Thank you, Lois. Thank you so much. I would have you back up, but sister, I'm 20 minutes over time, and I have two things that I need to do that are um on a time, a time thing. But I love you, Lois. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. Let me get some back channel messages though. Jeanette said, when I learned that I could set boundaries, I went for it. My boundaries were solid. Some of those boundaries are still cemented between me and them today after many years. Good job. Now my boundaries are more fluid. They are, after all, mine, and I can move them as I please. I build my boundaries to keep my peace. So beautifully said. That was like an excerpt out of a book. That's how beautifully said that was. Big shout out and thank you to Truth Times 2 for coming up. Mani, Karen. Karen's new and she's coming up two days in a row. I love it. Share, Rachel, Terry, and Lois. You guys completely rock. I appreciate you coming in and sharing your thoughts and perspective on this conversation. It makes them so well rounded. No stone is unturned. You guys remember things that I don't remember. You share your own personal experiences that people can relate to, and it makes my I just love it. I love it, love it, love it. I hope you guys love it as equally. Okay, so if you are interested in the recovering people pleaser that helps you reset your foundation of self-worth, again, the title for those writing it down, The Recovering People Pleaser, a spiritual guide to reclaim your true worth and attract the love you deserve. You can click my profile picture right here, go to my link tree, and you will see it on there. You can that's the Amazon link. Again, it's on 40,000 other bookselling sites. For those of you who might be listening to this on a podcast episode on YouTube or another major podcasting platform, the link will be in the description. The same link tree will be in the description. Super easy to find. Don't forget to follow on whatever platform you are listening on. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to being back here again with you guys on Monday, October 6th, 2025 for another episode. Much love to you all. Have an amazing, amazing weekend.