10 Signs You Have an Abandonment Wound (Part 2 of series)

Many of us carry the abandonment wound without realizing it. It shows up in patterns, reactions, triggers and fears that quietly shape our relationships. In Part 2 of the Abandonment Wound Series, we’ll explore the overt and covert key signs that this wound is affecting your life. You’ll learn to identify the subtle and not-so-subtle ways this wound influences how you love, connect, and trust. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming emotional safety! Let's do this!

✍🏼 DOWNLOAD "Healing the Abandonment Wound Workbook": https://drive.google.com/file/d/1hwzbYOucOWW5wXa9N-RAiJtB22HT1q1Z/view?usp=sharing

🎧 Listen to "Reparenting: Giving Yourself What They Couldn't": https://youtu.be/8cRcZxpOl9Q

FREE Resources, Book Link, 1:1 Mentoring, Self-Love Merch and more:
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Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello everyone, good day to you. Happy Friday to you all. It is September 19th, 2025, and I'm being stared at by my granddog, Miss Ella Ray. She's become my shadow since she's been here. Hopefully she'll lay down because she just comes up right up to my face and stares at me like, please pet me. She's a very mild little puppy, and I just, she's not a puppy. She's quite maybe 10, 11, I don't know. But anyway, today is part two of recognizing and healing the abandonment wound. Whoops, I saw that I didn't capitalize something, so I'm gonna go in here. There we go. Kind of weird that way. I like things to look right. Alright, so let's get started. We're gonna be talking about the signs. Now I did dip into a few of these near the end of last talk, but they are worth repeating. And keep in mind that these signs don't make you broken, they don't make you manipulative, they don't make you fatally flawed, they don't make you unworthy, they don't do anything of the sort. They just are. That's all they are, and they can be healed with awareness, compassion, and support. So put aside your shame, put aside your ego, open that heart big and wide, open that mind big and wide, listen up. I will tell you, I relate to a lot of these. When I was writing these down, I was like, oh, I remember that. Oh, I remember that. So remember, stand tall in who you are. Stand tall and say, holy moly, I see that in myself. Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's a good thing. That's something you want to be excited about because you have just pulled back a fractured piece of yourself. You have just brought what was in the unconscious into the consciousness, into the prefrontal cortex of your brain, right here, boom, boom, boom, behind your forehead, so that you can now work with it because we can't heal or deal with anything that is in our unconscious or subconscious. We must bring it to the forefront, put it on the table, say, Yep, I see that. That's me, all good, moving forward, and keep soldiering on. Okay, so the first sign is a fear of rejection or being left. Now, some of us might have that just a little bit anyway, but this, I want you to know that this is really something that is going to cause panic in you or a shutdown at the slightest sign of distance or disconnection. It could be a delayed reply, it could be a canceled plan, it could be a shift in someone's tone, it could be someone who normally says hi to you at the office, doesn't say hi to you. It could be any of these type of things. It's going to be such a small thing for quote unquote most people or other people who are have healed this wound or not dealing with it's two of those things. And way deep down inside, it's your subconscious, which is really your ego at this point, is telling you if they leave, I won't survive. By them pulling away in some capacity, and I'm not saying the hardcore, I'm breaking up with you, I'm gone type thing. Just maybe you went a couple days without talking to them. You know, it's a friend, whatever it might be. It's usually something very benign and small. It's going to make you think there's something wrong with you. There's, see, I'm not worthy. See, everybody leaves. And there's going to be this panic feeling that arises. When we are triggered, this is important. When we are trauma triggered, okay, when a trigger is happening from a trauma, there's always a sense of panic that accompanies it. The word trigger is used a lot. People say it in regards to emotions. Like, oh, I was triggered when this happened. Okay, we can use it in that regard too, but when it's a trauma trigger, there's always going to be a sense of panic. And that's how you're going to know. I remember that feeling. I had this. I don't know if it was super huge, but I definitely had this where I would start to panic in some capacity, like, oh my God, this person doesn't like me anymore. They don't want me. They're going to leave me. They won't be my friend. They won't be my boyfriend. Yada, yada, yada. Okay. So just recognize it. That's the first sign that you could have. The second one is clinginess or emotional dependence. Please understand the emotional dependence part of this is what is going to lead to the clinginess. And this could be that you uh get very attached very quickly in relationships. So it's sort of an over-attachment. It's like, I need this person. I need them. I need them to approve of me. I need them to love me. I need constant reassurance to feel safe or to feel secure. Anyone relate to these? These first two so far. Remember, your claps, your emoji button touching helps other people understand that they're not alone. So I'm doing it. This is me. Yep, yep, yep, yep. I've been clingy. I've been needy. I've been overly attached. I was relying on other people for my thanks, guys. I see you coming up on the screen right now. I was relying on other people to fill the voids. I felt like their approval meant that I was going to be safe. All of the above. Let me dip into the 174 people that are listening so far. We have Sarah, um, Dinga, Truth, Elisa, and Jeannie all related to that. Awesome. Thank you so much, guys. All right. So this can lead to an intense neediness, or this is this is an interesting one, a testing of people, which means we will exhibit behaviors that actually are rooted in their the motive is to test to see if the other person will stay. It's sort of like a prove to me that you really love me and that you'll can anybody relate to that? I do. I remember this. I don't know if it was high school, I don't know if it was more my 20s. I'm not sure when this came up for me. And it wasn't super overt for me. I've come to know myself very, very well. Oh, good, great. Look at you guys. I love you. Yes, yes, yes. We have we have Dinga, Lisa, Sarah, Jeannie. Yep. Okay. The testing behaviors, right on, guys. Excellent awareness. It's just these little, little, I can't even think of anything off the top of my head, these little behaviors that we exhibit, like, I don't know, it's coming for me, just as the first thing that's coming up to my head, I don't even know if it's gonna make sense, was something like I'm gonna go over here and pout or remove myself from the group of people to see if my person, whether it was a friend or a it was mostly, I think it was boyfriends, would come over to check on me, to prove that I mattered, to prove that I they cared, these types of things, these testing behaviors. Here's the problem with testing behaviors, everyone. We don't stop them. We keep testing and we keep doing it and doing it and doing it, and it wears out the other people. Because guess what? It's not their job. It's not their job to remind us consistently. Yes, we can all use reminders, especially when we're healing, and I will get into that in the um tools, the tool portion of this. But, you know, when we start to see that these people are showing up for us, it's so important that we we absorb it and we see that it matters, but it's not their job. It's not their job. And if we rely on people to continually do this, we're going to wear them down. It's it's actually dysfunctional. The vibration, the energy of this isn't good. Okay? It's not a good feeling for people to have to constantly do this for us to make it out um their job. And so this is why it's important to go within because if we're looking for a healthy relationship, actually, if we're looking for a healthy partner, we have to be a healthy partner ourselves. We have to be willing to show up in the most possible healthy way that we can so that our people, we will attract our vibration, and we will attract people to us who are in that same vibrational space. I have a guest, and I see that it is our very own Michael. Michael, it's been a minute since I've heard from you. So glad to see you here today. Thank you for joining me.

Speaker 8 8:45

It's good to be back. Um, I literally just got back from um a new appointment with a new doctor, having to try to, you know, resituate things and and get my health in order again.

Kristen 9:00

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

Michael 9:03

Yeah, so I I met with a new primary, and the care that I got at this clinic is far surpasses the last hospital that I was that I was going to.

Kristen 9:17

Wow, awesome. I'm glad to hear that.

Michael 9:20

And it it was refreshing because I felt like I was heard, like that my what I had to say mattered, and they they made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn't I didn't have to hold back any anything that that I needed to talk about.

Kristen 9:42

That's wonderful. They provided a safe space for you.

Michael 9:47

Exactly. And in uh the hospital that I was at prior to that, um the doctor got mad at me for trying to ask um permission for something, and turned around and lied about me in the app. I had to screenshot it and report her because she lied and said that I had cussed her out and that I I came at her with my walker. I don't have a walker.

Kristen 10:19

Oh my gosh, that's weird. Sorry that happened to you.

Michael 10:23

They they literally had technically had me banned from the hospital. I had to end up talking to staff to get resituated with them just to get to see my diabetic doctor a few days later. But um, that's what prompted me to go to this new healthcare clinic because I heard so much about it. And um they just welcomed me with open arms, they treated me with respect, they listened, and then on top of it, I had already missed my transportation to get there. But the transportation people, they paid attention and they actually brought me back home. That's that's that's significant because I was going through progressions after my appointment, not knowing how I was gonna get back to the house. And I went to fight or flight mode because I did I deal with abandonment issues, and I I thought that they had forgot about me and left me hanging in terms of a ride back because of prior experiences, but that wasn't the case. They were more than attentive in bringing me back home.

Kristen 11:41

That's great. I'm glad to hear it, Michael. But yes, it is something like that where you're left, you know, for someone without the wound, it might just be like, oh doggone it, this is awful. I gotta go find another right, or something like that. But someone who has an abandonment wound, it can like you said, it could be panicky. You go into fight, flight, you go into survival mode. It's like, right? Because now I feel like the worst possible thing is going to happen. That's what the body is telling us. So, Michael, how did you work through that?

Michael 12:15

Well, um, I'm like, okay, well, let me think this through before I make my next step. And then as I'm in the process of thinking about it, the person that is transport, they caught my attention. Are you Michael? Uh I'm your ride. So I'm not sure. I really didn't have to, I didn't really have to go through that whole progression. I didn't have to stress out. They had already took care of me before I I could get to that place where I was under a lot of tension.

Kristen 12:54

Yeah, that's great. I'm glad you're getting the care that you need and deserve. And I'm glad that you're being heard and listened to. That's so important in the medical field because everything is so fast-paced. Oftentimes they draw conclusions and make assumptions and you know, throw something at us, whether it's a surgery or a pill or whatever it might be, when really sometimes we just need to be heard.

Michael 13:18

Yeah, and I would, I literally I traveled recently to Atlanta for holistic health care. I got hospitalized out there for four days, and then they got me well enough to get on the flight, and then I had to get hospitalized again. So I'm kind of fresh out of the hospital. Um, I've been out for eight days now.

Kristen 13:38

Okay, good. Well, we're sending you all the healing vibes, Michael. All the healing vibes. Thank you so much for coming up. All right, you guys, we are gonna move into the next one, number three, and this is a biggie. Are you seated down? Yeah, see all the love coming up for you, Michael. Sabotaging close relationships. This is this is one of those crazy ironic things because a person that fears abandonment might push people away the moment they get close because they feel if they get too attached or they really let their heart open, they're going to be hurt. So it's this idea of if I end this first, they can't abandon me. It shows up in a way that's hot and cold, that's push and pull. Oftentimes with these type of people. I've had, I've not done this, but I've um, okay, Michael just said he's been guilty of self-sabotage. Yes, yes. I have dealt with people like this, and one minute they're, you know, all in, all over me, everything's great. I'm the best thing on the planet. Next thing you know, whoop, they're gone. It's like detached, pulled away, and then they're back in again, and it's like this push and pull and push and pull. And I could feel it, but I couldn't identify it. I didn't know what was happening. I have a friend whose former husband said to her, in, you know, based they were married for quite a few years. They're divorced now, but he said, I'm gonna paraphrase it, but something to the effect of, I'm, I'm, I push you away before you can push me away. And so, and I do know him, and I do know that he did have a huge abandonment wound and a whole bunch of other things that were going on based on the behavior of his father. So this is a big one. You might find yourself like allowing people to come in, but then only so far, they can only go so far if they start, it starts to get too intimate, not meaning sexually. I mean into me, you see, intimacy, start getting too intimate, too close. Whoop, I'm gonna hold you at arm's length. I'm gonna push you out. Because now this, the the siren is going off, red alert, red alert, something can happen. You're gonna get hurt. See, this is what happened. When you felt this last time, remember what happened. And it's just your brain trying to keep you safe. It is the amygdala. The amygdala is saying it records experiences of our past, and it looks, it's constantly scanning for potential threats in our life. It's just think of radar. It's kind of like that, just scanning, scanning, scanning. Saying, whoop, here's something. Red alert, red alert. Don't do that. Don't get too close. Remember what happened last time you got too close. I've seen this, um, I've seen this chronic with a particular guy that I know. It was the brother of somebody that I knew. And I've talked about this before, but really, really nice guy. And he looked like a player. He, you know, people were like, oh, he's such a player, he's such a player. I didn't know him because I didn't talk to him very much. But there was one particular function that we were at, and I got to talk to him, and you know, I'm a feeler, I am an intuitive, and I read energy, and all I saw was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, sweetheart ever. And I thought, okay, he's been hurt. Somebody hurt him. So he allows women in only so far, and then he pushes them out. So I said to his sister, I said, Let me ask you a question. She said, What? I said, Had your brother been hurt? He said yes. His girlfriend, when he was a teen, 17, 18, somewhere in there, broke up with him and he was madly in love with her. And she basically, you know, it was an abandonment wound. This is how these abandonment wounds can take place. And since that part, he felt unsafe to give his heart away. So he pulled them in and pushed them out and pulled them in and pushed them out. And these are, I mean, the amount of girlfriends this guy had gone through in the era that I knew him was a lot. I'm talking, I couldn't even tell you. 30, 40. It was in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. And I thought, oh, he must be such a jerk. He must be such a, you know what. But when I actually had that conversation with him and I read his heart, I read his energy, I knew immediately what had happened. And it's sad because a good guy, there's a woman out there who really deserves a man like him. And he deserves a really good woman. But these types of things can happen. So that little sabotage can happen where we sabotage the close relationships to us. I've been on the receiving end of this, like I said. And I just saw this person doing the same thing over and over again. And I asked them questions and I was trying to dig in and I was trying to find out if this was what I thought it was, which was an abandonment wound. And this person was so out of touch. They're like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. To anything I asked. It left me very confused until years later when it started to really show up and I and I real and the person started to heal a little bit and open their heart a little bit. And I thought, that's exactly what's going on here. And like I said, this gave me insight into this person. Now I knew what was going on behind the scenes. Hold on, Ella Ray wants out. God, she's so cute. Was that your scratch? Because that wasn't even a scratch at the door, but that was very, very cute. So you go outside, Ella Ray. Okay. Oh my God, you guys, if you could have seen that, it was the most delicate. It was barely one little nail touching the door. Oh God, she's the sweetest baby. I tell you, she is the sweetest baby. She was a rescue, too. She's a good baby. All right, let's move on to the next one, which is people pleasing to avoid rejection. And this means people with abandonment wounds can be huge people pleasers. It can be a huge contribution to people pleasing. People pleasing, the really core of it, is. I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. Who I am authentically is not okay. So I better become somebody that I'm not. And I better go above and beyond and out of my way to make this person happy and please so that they don't leave, so that they don't dislike me. By the way, it just popped in my head. I don't want to forget this. For any of you who are listening now or on the replay, I yesterday busted my booty. I don't know what called me to it, but like late in the afternoon, 3:30 in the afternoon, I said, I'm going to create an abandoned healing the abandonment wound workbook. It's beautiful. I love how it turns out, is gorgeous. It is a workbook. It's like maybe 10 pages. Okay, but it's a it's a prompt on each page, and then you write. You can use your own workbook. But anyway, if anybody is interested in this, you don't have to, I didn't put it on an opt-in where you have to log in and give me your email address and all these things because I didn't have time to do all that. So what we're gonna do is you can message me here on Noom Vibe by clicking my profile picture here, clicking where it says say hi, and said, send me the workbook. And I have the link saved in my phone so I can copy and paste it and send it to you. You can download it, and then you can start this healing. This is an amazing workbook, okay? It's gonna be a great step forward. It because I don't know where you're at in your journey. It could be the final piece or it could be the first piece. I don't know where you're at, but it's an awesome workbook. I designed it myself, and I would love for you to have that. So just send me a message. Also, if you're listening to this on a replay later, then you can either send me a message here and say, say, send me the abandonment wound workbook so I know what workbook you're talking about, or you can email me at hello at kristinbrown.org. I'm having people send me messages already. So please know this will come after the talk. I will just go through after this talk and I will link that up to everybody. Okay. I tested the link, everything works. It's on a Google Drive, just gonna take you there. You have permission. It's really nice. So I hope you guys enjoy it and I hope you get a lot from it. And I will mention again later in this talk, but I need to remote. Let me just write here really big workbook so that I remember. And I don't get paid to create these things, you guys, just so you know. This took me a couple hours of my time based on my love of humanity, my love of you, and my desire to help people stop from suffering. So there is, you know, there was no payment that came to me for making this workbook. It is a free resource because I love creating resources for you. I want you to win, y'all. I want you to win. Even if you think you don't have an abandonment wound, the prompts and the questions are amazing. Yes, I see you too, guys. A couple more people just sent, emailed me or texted me, and I'm not gonna say your names. You're all good. I got you. You will be getting that link afterwards. And anybody else in the course of this talk? I see you both. Yep, I see all of you who just sent that to me too. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, Lottie is sending that. Awesome. And I really hope that you guys take the time to do this. It's not a difficult thing. It's just gonna take you in reflection. Okay. It's just gonna take you taking some time to love you, putting yourself first, making yourself a priority. All right. I don't need to see your answers. Nobody needs to see your answers. This is for you, not your answers, your journaling, or whatever it might be. This is for you for awareness. Remember, awareness is key. Awareness is key. Bringing all that stuff up to the forefront. Okay? I appreciate you guys. All right. Um, yes. So that's number four is people pleasing to avoid rejection. Number five, this is a biggie. This is a biggie. I've been on the receiving ends of this one too. Hypervigilance in relationships. Now, okay, let me back up. I said I'd been on the receiving end, but as soon as I read that, I realized I've been the creator of this as well. I have been hyper-vigilant, watching every little thing someone says. I don't bel a lot of mine was so covert. I don't believe I actually brought it to another person. I don't think I was super, I've never had anybody call me out on it, put it that way, but it was there. So it doesn't matter that people weren't saying, like, Kristen, geez Louise, I did that, doesn't matter. I want to know about me. I want to know about myself. I want to take accountability and responsibility. So hypervigilance in relationships means that you may overanalyze everything. Who can relate? Me. Me, I would overanalyze everything looking for signs for how this person feels about us. Are they losing interest? Are they still there? And you all, we may think, thanks, guys, I see you all sending up the claps and emojis right on. We're at 265 in this room. Yeah, a lot of people sending up the emojis saying they have been hyper-vigilant. Groovy groovy. So here's the key to this one: is that it's coming from us and not necessarily the things that the people are doing. They could be showing up in the highest and brightest way. They're communicative, they're talking to us, they face us when they're talking to us, they call us, they reach out, we do stuff together. If it's even friendships, they say, I love you, I appreciate you, they might buy us gifts, celebrate birthdays. They could be doing all these things, but we're still, again, scanning, scanning, scanning, scanning, scanning, looking for that one thing that this might happen even when there's no evidence. Or we pretend, not not consciously, that there is evidence. Oh, this person did this. Okay. So, what does that mean? That could lead us into the part where we start to sabotage because we think we're seeing things when we're really not seeing things. Or if we are seeing things, then we could get really big about those things. We could be like a dog with a bone where we're not gonna let up and we're just gonna hammer this person to death, even if they're not doing the thing, because we are so convinced. And this is why abandonment wounds can sabotage relationships. This is why we can we can wear people out with them, to be honest with you. We can just wear people out. I say that with love, but man, it's truth. And I've been worn out. I have been worn out by some people that have done that with me. And it's like, my gosh, when are you gonna know I'm here? When are you gonna know I'm not going anywhere? Where are you gonna know? I think you're the bee's knees. So, this is another reason why we want to heal these things. And by the way, you guys, you heal this abandonment wound. What opens up for you is gonna blow your mind. It's the world view is going to change. You're gonna see everybody and everything differently. Your lens is gonna be clear, you're gonna be rooted in your self-worth. This wound is gonna be gone. You're gonna look back in hindsight and say, I can't believe I used to be like that. Not in a bad way, not in a judgmental way, but this is like for me, when I remember these things, like when I talked about hypervillage vigilance, I was thinking about the people who have done that to me. Because I'm so far from it now, I forgot it was even there. I'm I'm decades from it now. So I was like, oh yeah, that was me. Things just look different, you guys. This is why the self-healing journey is so it's so beautiful, it's so purposeful, and it is the key to changing your life. It really is the key because everything happens, everything is stemming from the inner world. Our inner world creates our outer world. And when you heal your inner world, you change your outer world. All right. The next sign that we might have is a deep fear of being alone. A person uh that I know comes up to mind with this one, and this person quite literally could not be alone. There was a panic feeling that would happen within this person if they were alone. And I recognized it because I I know a thing or two about this topic. So I was like, oh, what's going on? There's more here because this is not the typical for a grown person to act this way. So this person wasn't like super grown, but you know what I'm saying. A grown person act this way. I was like, mm-hmm. And they always, always, always had to be with someone doing something. And I put that against myself in my youth. And I was like, no, I was willing. Yeah, I always wanted people to run errands with me and stuff, but I was willing to go wash our family van by myself when one of those car washes that you use the squirt gun thing, you know what I'm talking about, that high pressure deal. There are so many things I did alone. I was like, you know, I didn't really have this one. But there's sometimes that people really can't be with themselves. And it's not just because they want dopamine hits. It's not just because they want to be entertained, it's because it feels awful inside of them. It's it's a it's a resonance that is extremely prickly and uncomfortable. And again, that panic feeling, even if it's very minute, there's this kind of sort of panic feeling that's rumbling underneath the surface. And it can be, it can be so, what's the word I'm looking for? Mild isn't the word? It can be so deep that it's a little, sort of a little rumbling earthquake. But have you ever been somewhere, you guys, where we've we've felt the aftershocks of an earthquake before in Arizona here, probably from California. And the pool just rippled. It just kind of rippled out of nowhere. You know, it's kind of like that. It's there, but you may not be conscious of it. But yet, because it's in your body, it's gonna run the show. And it could lead you now to some type of healthy behavior, maybe reaching out to an ex just because you don't want to be alone, the ex that you know is unhealthy or narcissistic or was abusive, or someone who broke up with you and said, I never want to see your face again, and you reach out to them. That's just one example. But it could lead someone to going to bars and sitting there. Perhaps this is a friend of mine I'm thinking of back in the day. The stories in the Recovering People Pleaser book would go and drink a lot and then go home with random people. You know, random, it's very unsafe behavior, very unsafe behavior, very reckless behavior, but it was rooted in something. It was rooted in something. And so I never judge this person. I just was like, okay, you gotta get this fixed, you know, because this gotta get this cleaned up. Because if you don't, and this is pre my uh College of Christian, and I still knew, I still knew that there was something happening on their inner world and that something bad could happen. So yeah, deep fear of being alone. This could also keep a person with an abandonment wound in a toxic or unhealthy relationship because they don't want to be alone. It can feel absolutely terrifying. It doesn't feel just lonely or I'm alone or I want to be around some people. That's that's a fairly common thing, but this is like terror and it can uh really amplify the feeling of unworthiness. So keep that one in mind. The next one is difficulty trusting others. And this is this is pretty pretty par for the course. This is this is a pretty big one that most not most, but some most will have. Some I don't know. I'm not sure the statistics are. But if someone has a really deeply rooted abandonment wound and it was a it was a very large traumatic space in their life, then they may just not trust. And I remember this in a relationship with somebody where I I mean, I, you guys, I am a person who is consistent. I am even keeled, I am extremely loving, I'm generous, I'm affectionate, I am, you know, I'm all these things. And yet this person didn't trust me. My words and behaviors match. I don't commit to something that I'm not gonna follow through on. And like I am like I'm that guy, all right? I'm that person, and this person didn't trust me. But it was over time and over years and over, and I was like, what's going on here? I'm I'm the person you can trust. Like you've known me for so long, you know. But they had an abandonment wound. So they didn't trust because what if this person leaves me? What if Kristen leaves me? What if what if she cheats? What if she betrays me? What if all of a sudden out of the blue, because that's how it came in the past, right? Out of the blue, they do something, she does something weird. Okay. That's what's running underneath the scenes. That's running the show, that's driving the train. So we could be in proximity with and relationship with people who are extremely trustworthy and we don't trust them. What does that do again? It sabotages the relationship because the person's like, well, dang, I can't be any more trustworthy. So obviously, you're not you're never gonna trust me. So I gotta go. I got to go. I gotta get out of here. I gotta go find somebody that trusts me because it doesn't feel good to not be trusted. It doesn't feel good. It feels terrible if you're a trustworthy person to not be trusted. Now, if you're someone who's not trustworthy and you're not being trusted, well, that's on you. Boo, boo, boo, boo. Okay. This also means I can't let my guard down because I'll be hurt. So again, guarded heart, you hear me talk a lot here about guarded and armored heart. All right. So a person who has difficulty trusting is going to hold back emotionally. They're gonna be suspicious, they're going to be guarded, they're not gonna truly let you into their heart because that means that if I go that deep, I remember in a group conversation one time, someone was dealing with this, and a friend of mine said, So if your partner left you right now, would that hurt? And the person's like, Oh gosh, yes, it would, it would crush me, it would totally hurt me. And my friend said to this other friend, friend A said to friend B, the one with the abandonment wound, friend A said, Well, if it's gonna hurt anyway, why don't you just trust? And it it gave person B pause. Like, wow, I'm holding off all these aspects of myself, but I'm already in love with my partner, I already love being with my partner, want to be with my partner, want to spend the rest of my life with my partner, but I'm holding back because I'm afraid, but I'm gonna get hurt anyway. Like it's not gonna hurt any different. That's that's the most important key here. Like, once you have attached to somebody, you're attached. Your brain can talk you out of it, but your heart is is attached. So why not? Right? Why not? All right, people are filling up in the queue. So I'm gonna go ahead and bring up truth, and then we have Lois. Truth, thank you for joining me today.

Truth 35:39

Um, I love this topic, and I know you didn't share my name yesterday, but I for everyone else, I was the person that was like, wow, this is too triggering. Like, I can't do this right now while I'm working. Um, today I'm on my lunch break, so I have the capacity for it. And I did go back and listen to the talk yesterday while I was walking on the treadmill, um, and it was what I needed. And then I took screenshots at certain points and came back and took notes on it. And um, yeah, this is a really great topic. And it's interesting, like, as you're talking about these signs of abandonment, one thing that I love about this is I can look at them and I can see how much I've grown from my love, and I can see where I need to grow. So it's like that's kind of like one of the best parts about this talk is being able to be like, oh yeah, I used to do that really hardcore, but I see how I still do it and it's manifesting in a different way. So now my job is to work on it with who I am today, and then keep working and keep progressing. Um because you know, with what you were talking about yesterday, with like the ways that we have wounds, like probably 80% of what you listed, I have those abandonment wounds.

Kristen 36:58

Like, you had a listen.

Truth 37:00

Yeah, like I wasn't wanted, my father was adopted, my grandmother's not like generational, just all the way around. Um, I was a highly sensitive child, so like I was always too much like inconsistent caregivers, serious anxious attachment style, just like, you know, as you're naming them off, I'm like, boom, that one, yes, that one, that one, that one. Um, and that's you know, it's really impacted how I've shown up my entire life in relationships. And I was a compartmentalizer, like one of those severe compartmentalizers, because I was always told that like my emotions were too big and I was too much. And so I had to like make myself smaller to be accepted, and I had to literally put those emotions in a box and throw away the key. And which would, you know, result in the occasional explosion that would be like really, really big.

Kristen 37:58

Right? That's what I mean.

Truth 37:59

Um but then a lot of the stuff, you know, like I still never exploded over because I just like suppressed so hard and I would like internalize it all, and it was like it manifested as my depression and my anxiety, and like it manifested in all of these different ways instead of actually like dealing with it and working through it. Um, and you know, that last one that you were talking about with the difficulty trusting others, that was like my cycle, my loop, which like in this current relationship, I'm trying to do it differently. Um and it's interesting because the night before you started this talk, like I realized as my partner and I were going through a struggle that like the issue for both of us was abandonment issues. Because there was like something that he said about like his former partners, and I'm like, oh my God, you feel abandoned. I see why you're doing this. Cause he like didn't introduce me to a coworker, and it had like started to become a pattern that he wasn't like introducing me to people, and I'm just like left standing there, and I'm like, hey, this doesn't feel good. Like, I need to feel important in your life. I introduce you to everybody. Like, what's going on?

Kristen 39:10

Yeah, it seems weird. Like, like, what does this mean?

Truth 39:13

Yeah, exactly. I'm like, are you ashamed of me? Like, what's happening? And like, as we kept talking, like, I realized that it is about his abandonment, and he is afraid since it's a fairly new relationship. We've been friends for a very long time, but in this fairly new relationship of just a few months, he's scared I'm going to leave him. And so he doesn't want to put it out there, and that's normally who I am too. Except this time I decide to do it differently. And so, like, I'm all in this time. Um, but I'm trying to be all in and not be super clingy like I used to be, and not be overbearing like I used to be. Um, and I would do like that cycle of the trusting others where I'm like. Oh, well, they're just gonna hurt me anyway. So I'm not gonna trust them. And I'd have these big walls up, like my cold black heart, I used to call it. And then they'd work so hard, boyfriends would work so hard to like break through those walls. And then as soon as they saw all of me, they're like, Oh, whoa, wait, you're right. You actually are too much. Like, I didn't realize what you meant. I thought you were just being like over dramatic when trying to tell me how much you actually are to handle. So it was literally crushing. So I stayed.

Kristen 40:34

Oh, Truth, come on back. I have my eyes closed. I didn't see your time out. Go ahead and come on back. Yeah, we're gonna bring Truth up to finish that. That was amazing. Wow. This is amazing.

Truth 40:46

I wasn't looking at the time either. Um, but yeah, I was just like, I was stuck in that loop where it's like, okay, I'm guarded, and they'd work so hard, and then I'd let the walls down, and I'd let them in, and then I get the same messages that I always got from everybody because it was one of those things. Like, I've talked to my therapist about it, where it's like, I'm completely shut off, but then once I let you in, then I'm like completely attached. And then the and so it would just be like the one extreme or the other.

Kristen 41:15

Yeah.

Truth 41:16

It's a lot to do with my anxious attachment style, which has a lot to do with the inconsistency of the caregivers in my life and the inconsistency of love that I received. So yeah, it's all just it's really big, and like this topic is just it's so helpful right now, especially for where I'm at, because like this really truly is exactly what I'm trying to work on, like right now in this moment. Um, because in my current relationship, you know, like maybe he's not my forever person, and maybe I'm not his. And we both acknowledge that, but we're both in a place where we're dedicated to growth. And so, like, that's what we're trying to do in this relationship is to keep growing no matter what. And so, like, yeah, this is just it's so helpful, and I'm just so very, very grateful for it.

Kristen 42:06

Oh my gosh, truth. I love everything that you said. I mean, this is to me spoken from a person who I think I tell you this every time you're up, that's really doing the work. Like, I see your healing journey, I see where you've been. You can't be this articulate and clear without having gone through some things. And you know, what's really exciting to me, like you said, he may not be your forever person, you guys have said that, but you're a couple that's growing together, that's willing to grow together. There's so many people that are not. There might be one side that's willing to, but the other side's not. And then as you both learn, I'm sure you've talked to him about the abandonment wound, and now you're saying how this is how it shows up for me. And when you guys can recognize when each other's triggered and what each other needs in that moment, and et cetera, et cetera. Like, I'm really curious to see how this whole thing plays out.

Truth 43:02

Yeah, I am too. And and that's like last night we were talking about like the triggers. Like, I got triggered when I didn't get introduced the other night, but then the way, and I was so flooded, it's like I couldn't say it calmly. But then the way that I brought it to him, then he got triggered. And like a lot of times when I bring something to him, I'll kind of like give him a preface and I'll be like, Hey, I have some feelings, my feelings are hurt. Like, can you hold space for this? Like, can we talk about this? And like in that moment, I could and when I do that, like, yeah, it's a great conversation, we work through it, but I wasn't able to do that. The way that I presented it was coming from a place of being triggered and flooded and just like completely overwhelmed. And then I did this, and then I created that for him by like approaching it in that way. And then instead of his reaction being compassionate and understanding that my feelings were hurt, he got angry and defensive and stormed out of the room. And you know, obviously, like we circled back around and things got better. But in the conversation last night, I was like, hey, like that's what I have to take responsibility for, is like I didn't take the breath, I didn't give it a moment. I just like I just like launched it at you with venom. And like, what else were you supposed to do besides get triggered as well?

Kristen 44:27

Because it's an attack, right? It's it's coming out as an attack, but you caught that and you realize that's your knee-jerk response, right? Because you were triggered. So what do we do? We knee jerk. We boom, it's it's on, right? But now you're like, okay, I realized what I did and how that that didn't yield the the outcome that would have served us. So I'm taking responsibility. Truth that you're just so amazing. I'm taking responsibility. Here's my part, I'm gonna work on this piece. And like you said, once you guys were able to talk about it calmly, you're able to work through it.

Truth 44:59

Yeah. And at the end of the day, it's like even when it gets hard and like he's expressed that he's afraid that I'm gonna leave, and I just keep reassuring him, as long as you're willing to keep growing with me, I am here for you. I am not leaving you. When you stop growing and when you give up on me, then I'll walk away.

Kristen 45:18

Right. Well, there's an old saying that couples that grow together stay together. Just FYI. I'll be at the wedding.

Truth 45:27

So hopefully it works this time. His last name is Light, so wouldn't that'd be amazing? Truth Light.

Kristen 45:35

Oh, you're kidding me.

Truth 45:37

No, I'm so serious. So if it happens, then it will like truly be the most like magical thing ever, but we'll see.

Kristen 45:45

I got head chills. Oh my god, like my scalp is like tingle, tingle, tingle, tingle. Oh my gosh. Okay, hold on. I just got a text from my daughter that she's coming. Um, okay, I'm on my talk. She's coming to get the dog. Bed in, hold on. Don't forget her bed. Sorry, you guys, in my room. Okay. Sorry, but I really am sorry about that. Oh my gosh, there's one thing I want to say before I bring Lois up is I was in a relationship once where I was taken to a family function of some type from this person. He ignored me. He didn't talk to me, sat next to me, didn't touch me, reference me, nothing. And I remember on the drive home, I said, What the heck was that? What was that? I'm like, this is, you know, I couldn't even talk. And he and at the time he just was like, uh, I don't, I don't really know. Later, he ended up saying, yeah, I was feeling some kind of a way because I was in a new relationship and the other one had just ended six months ago. And I was, you know, all of these things that was going on with him. But yeah, that was interesting too. Because again, you guys, when it's something so outside the what's typical, that's a question. That's a question we want to broach to our people. We want to say, hey, what's going on here? Like I see something, what's happening? Okay. And then hopefully to start a really great dialogue with the idea to understand what's going on inside the other person. Like I said at the top of this talk, when we understand what's going on inside of our people, we can work together. Hey, Lois, thanks for coming. Lois, we have no audio. Okay. I don't have okay. Hold on. There you are. There you are. Can you hear me?

Loyce 47:35

Yep. Okay. All right. I love true. Okay. Just like she's done the work. Oh she sounded like I was her sister when she talked about all the ways she had the abandonment issues. I'm being for real because I had a father in the house, but he was totally emotionally unavailable completely. Okay, so it was to me, it was kind of like a worse situation where the body is there, the name is there, the title is there, but you got nothing from it, you know. So I do understand that. But I also realized that when uh because I felt abandoned all the time and I would do so much and whatever, trying to be me, trying to get people to hold me there or whatever to keep me. And the thing is, is that most of the people didn't abandon me. They just were emotionally unavailable like my father. But then I realized this. I said, if they were unemotionally unavailable, my dad wasn't emotionally unavailable. That means guess what? I was emotionally unavailable. And in the absence of an abuser or somebody abandoning me, I abandoned my damn self. Oops, I'm sorry. I abandoned myself. Okay, and that self-abandonment was in the people pleasing, was in the the being quiet. Okay, I was I was too big. I I was my light was shut down. You can't say this, you don't say that. Uh put your feelings in your pocket. Oh, I was told, go sit your ass. Oops, go sit your ass. These are things that I was told as a kid when I tried to speak up, when I tried to say this is happening to me. When I tried to tell people the abuse was going, man, it was so much stuff that Davy couldn't handle because they were all emotionally unavailable to themselves and they all self-abandon because they ended up with drugs and alcohol. Okay. So I I know that my healing began when I stopped abandoning myself. Okay. I tell people I love you, but I love me more. Okay. You know, ain't no love loss here. I just love me a little bit more than I love you, so I'm gonna have to back off of this, you know, and because mine also showed up in overtrusting. Now I don't know anybody who did that, but overtrusting, believing in the goodness of everybody because I saw what quote unquote potential, because I could see through the person to the heart of the person who they really are. I would look at that picture as opposed to what I was seeing. So I was in a form of denial for real, okay? And that was a form of self-abandonment where I wasn't seeing what was really going on, listening to the words. So for me, the most healing I've gotten from all this stuff, and I still'm still healing from of it because every now and then something comes up, maybe on a Mother's Day or a birthday, and I'm like, ooh, that's that thing. And I say, okay, Lois, how are you abandoning yourself right now? Okay, and that might be I'm expecting somebody to be a certain way that they that they're not being. So I'm trying to make them be that way by continually to talk to them. So it's a matter of recognizing that if you got abandonment wounds, if you don't heal them, you're gonna begin to abandon yourself. Okay, and it's gonna claim yourself that those abandonment moves heal because you're giving you, excuse me, you're giving you what you need. And when you start giving you what you need or what you expected for everybody else to give you, oh my god, your life turns into bliss because you ain't got no expectations of everybody else. And you know that you're creating what you're living.

Kristen 51:29

Yes. Are you there, Lois? Yeah, I'm here. Oh, okay. Were you just taking a pause? I'm I'm yeah, I'm that's I think that's what I had to say. Okay, well, I I I I agree with everything you said, and I also believe that the abandonment wound does go hand in hand with abandoning ourselves. I think if there's a link between the two, most definitely, and we can abandon ourselves in so many different ways. Be doing that wound, right?

Loyce 51:58

Yes, yes. Oh my is it it's really unreal how much we abandon ourselves when we have that wound active in us, and we don't even realize it, and we may blame that on somebody else because they're showing us that we're projecting that outside of us, and we get to see it mirrored through them. That's why I make sure everybody every time I get triggered.

Kristen 52:23

Yes, yes, yes, you do, Lois. Yes, you do. Thank you so much for coming up, Lois. That was an awesome, wonderful share. Everybody who came up today, awesome, great job. Okay, I have a few more that I want to unpack because I don't want this portion of this talk to go into a part three, but we are gonna go into a part three when we talk about the tools to heal the abandonment wound. So, also I do want to mention for anybody who's joined thus far, is that I yesterday, about I don't know, 2:30, 3 o'clock yesterday, I had this idea and I said, I want to create a workbook called Healing the Abandonment Wound. So I created a workbook yesterday for you to start this healing journey or continue this healing journey. You may be, it may be the first that you're working on it, or it could be just something later. You know, maybe you've been working on this for a while, and it could just be like a little reminder or a cherry on top or whatever. So if you are someone who wants this workbook that I created, it is very br beautiful, it's very easy to read, it's got amazing prompts in it, and this is for you, for your reflection, for your healing. It's not for anybody else. You don't have to show anybody, then send me a DM right now by clicking on my profile picture and clicking where it says say hi, say workbook, please, or just workbook. After this talk, I am going to be sending the link to everybody who okay, yeah, another one. For anybody who wants it. All right, I'm waiting until after this talk, and I have the link in my phone. It will take you to my Google Drive, and then you can download the workbook. And, you know, it's just like just a little tool to accompany what we're talking about here today. The first part one was about where the abandonment came from. This one, this talk today, part two, is about how it shows up, the signs, and then part three is going to be the how to heal. Okay, so send me a DM here if you would like the workbook, even if you're listening on the replay of this, or if you're listening on the podcast version of this, either on YouTube or all major podcasting platforms, you can email me at hello at kristinbrown.org. Hello at kristinbrown.org. Send me an email, just say, hey, heard your talk on the abandonment wound. And um, can you please send me the workbook? And I will literally hit reply and send you the link. That's it. Nothing else. It's not going to be complicated. I didn't make it as an opt-in or anything else. I didn't have time to do all that. But I would just love for you guys to have an additional resource. Again, I don't get paid for this. No one paid me to make this resource. It took me a couple hours to do. I had fun doing it, but I do it from for the love of humanity, for the love of you guys. I I want us all to heal. I want us all to break out of survival mode and into thriving mode. And I know it's 100% possible. So if any of these little resources that I create for you help you at least a little bit on your journey, then that makes me happy. So the next one is an over-attachment to romantic partners. This may be you over-identify with your partner, which means you place your relationship at the center of your identity. Who did that, KB? Mm-hmm. I didn't realize it was rooted in an abandonment wound, though. And this means we often lose sight of ourselves in the process. It could also mean that we let other friendships and things that are important to us fall away, where we make the person the number one. I see all your messages, everybody, for the workbook. Thank you. Where we make our person the sole center of our universe and everything revolves around them. Interestingly enough, when I worked with people who have done this unknowingly, what they started to build up resentment because they were so concerned with their persons, needs, desires, wants that they weren't getting any of theirs. This is the person with the abandonment wound, was not getting any of theirs met. And so they started to build up resentment towards this partner that they had made the center of their universe. Fascinating stuff, I'm telling you. It's fascinating. So cool. So this is again, this is about returning to you. This is about coming back to you, to your whole self. And the next one is intense emotional responses to small things. You can also say slash triggers or slash someone's behaviors. So something that is very minor can be perceived as a rejection, which can lead to panic, rage, or despair. The key here is that it's disproportionate to the situation. It could be something very, very small, very small, and then you burst into tears, or you panic, or you start to attack uh verbally insult the other person or whatever it might be. Because triggers, like I said, in talking to truth, they're knee-jerk reactions, you guys. They're like you take that rubber mallet and you hit it into your knee at the doctor's office, and then your bottom, your lower leg flips out like that. It's just a knee jerk reaction. It is automatic. Okay, that's how we know it's a triggered, a trauma trigger response is knee-jerk. It's boom, it happens. Okay. The minute we have that, like, wow, I couldn't control that. That just could have sort of came out of me. We know that we have now been triggered. So this is a is a huge key. So somewhere that wound gets touched, and then boom, we have a reaction that is disproportionate to what is going on. I'm not thinking that I've done that. I don't think this was one of mine, but I have been on the receiving end of that. And again, this was before we discovered this person had the abandonment wound. And once discovering that, it started to make sense. And then the dialogue started to happen, and then you know, things started to clear up. However, we must be willing to own it. We must be willing to take accountability. One of y'all just backchanneled me and said that they do that. I have done that with several partners to where my family commented, or to where my family commented that they missed me, but I just thought it was my time to live my life. It's confusing. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Alrighty. The next one and the last one is chronic low self-worth. Biggie. Biggie biggie. Chronic low self-worth. This means deep down you have a feeling of I'm not enough, I'm too much, I'm not lovable unless I'm perfect. There's something, there's this deep st uh river running below the surface. It's hidden and it's driving all these behaviors, and it says that I'm not enough. And this is something in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, that I have so much in there that is in regard to resetting your self worth foundation. That's what the whole book is about, because we our people pleasing behaviors are driven by a lack of self-worth. Self-worth. So if you're interested in my book, you can click on my profile picture. You can go to my where it says my link tree. Click on my link tree for listening to this on a podcast. It'll be in the description of the podcast. And you will find the link to Amazon. However, the book is available on 40,000 major bookselling sites. So if you have your favorite, you can go there, you will find it. That's the key here is resetting this foundation. Here's what's more interesting. All of this work works hand in hand. This is what I want you to understand. It all works hand in hand. When we clean up our worthiness wound, our deep hidden shame wound, we will also be working on our abandonment wound. Because remember what the abandonment wound is rooted in. Okay. Part of it is rooted in I'm not worthy. So we will start to clean up all of these areas. All right. It all works congruently together. I am in the process of creating a new course called Awaken to Yourself Worth or Awaken Yourself Worth. This is my working title. I have taken people through this before, not under that title. And I have seen the most amazing results where people are like mind-blown. So whenever I get that course up and running, that will be a static available course for anybody who wants it. It will be all the time. Occasionally, I like to bring people through my courses in real time with a group of people. And so everybody can get together. Here's something else that I'm considering doing, you guys, is creating an empower hour with KB Facebook page. So after the fact, if you guys want to continue this dialogue or to share things or to connect with somebody from this group, you can do so via that Facebook page. If that sounds good to you guys, send me a message, let me know because I'm really considering that. Okay, so that is the last one. Remember that this core wound fuels many other of the signs I have talked about so far because it's not that we don't just fear abandonment, it's we don't really believe that we deserve safe love, or we don't believe that safe love is out there, or that we're actually worthy of safe love. So keep that in mind. All right, I'm gonna bring up my last two guests, and then we will call it a day today. We got Nicole coming up. Nicole, thank you. You are new to me. New to the stage, I guess I should say. Hi, Nicole, welcome.

Nicole 1:02:43

So self and mental health is a big one for me. I'm trying to find an ADHD therapist. So there's a lot going on in my brain. I also have epilepsy, so there's quite a bit in there. And I feel like the last two you mentioned and almost the person needing someone to be with them all the time is probably what's wearing my husband out. I he is twice my age. I got very lucky with that because he has more patience in him than anyone. I'm I've lost friends constantly. One of my closer friends is almost about to leave me just because apparently I say too much. And I what were the two last ones you mentioned?

Kristen 1:03:38

Um an intense emotional response to small things or triggers and chronic self-worth.

Nicole 1:03:46

Yeah, it's I'd say more the intense triggers every once in a while when he doesn't speak up, and I'm like, why don't you tell me these things? Communication is key for a relationship. He'll hold it in and then he just gets himself worked up. But over stupid stuff I do trigger, he's he'll ask me why I'm getting uppity. I'm like, because this always do this or whatever. But yeah, a lot of times when he goes somewhere, I want to go with him. He knows that, so he's cute enough to call me to say, hey, I'm going here after work. If you want to come, be ready to go. So I that's stuff I need to work on. And trying, like I said, trying to find that therapist right now.

Kristen 1:04:39

Well, your awareness is your awareness is key. You're very aware, Nicole.

Nicole 1:04:45

And I'm working with a communication specialist because that filter is not there. I will pop out anything, and people look at me like, what did you just say? That's kind of a problem when I'm part of a convention helping my husband put it on, and I'm around a lot of celebrities.

Kristen 1:05:12

Yeah. But you know what, Nicole, you're very aware. And you're seeing you're you're here, first of all. You're on this talk, and it sounds like you were you had awareness even before this talk. So I see that you are always Oh yeah. Yeah.

Nicole 1:05:30

I I guess it's names aren't gonna matter. Kim is the volunteer coordinator and almost schedule maker with Chaz, the one that throws the convention. He used to do this all by himself when he only had Kansas City. And then he took over both Minnesota and Kansas City. I guess for anybody out there that likes horror movies, it's Crypticon. But my husband is in charge of all the picking up Alexa, stop um in charge of picking up all the celebrities, but before that, he deals with the hotel, he deals with the celebrities plane times, he makes the badges, he then he stays at the airport for all that. And this year, 15 celebrities came in on one plane. Oh wow. Oh so and that's the thing that is the attention is I hate this time of year because he's always busy and no time for me. That's the petty part. I guess I realize that getting to that part.

Kristen 1:06:50

So, would you say that's the part about an o an overattachment to the romantic partner? Would you say that that's an alignment with that one? Yeah. The seconds are going. Yes, thank you, Nicole. And you're gonna be getting 300 vibes for being your first time up on my stage. I appreciate you. Thank you so much for coming. Great to hear from you. And next up we have Miss Jeannie. Thanks for coming, Jeannie. How are you today?

Jeannie 1:07:18

I'm great. How are you, Jeannie? I'm pretty good. Nervous to come up as always. But you do it anyway. I do, and I'm more so today than the other times that I've come up. Um I feel like, even starting yesterday, I feel like I had every single one of these. A couple of them really sent me into a panic, just hearing them. Um I grew up in what was seemingly a healthy Irish Catholic family. And, you know, everybody saw us, I'm sure, as happy, and my parents were the best people in the world, everybody thought, which was really hard for me because I didn't feel that way about it for my older years, you know, teenagers and and beyond. Um, when I was a kid, of course, I didn't know any different. So I didn't realize everything that was going on. Um, my mom had agoraphobia, and so she wasn't very available to us, and this was through probably starting in mid-grade school on through high school, um, where she wasn't available to drive me to friends' houses, um, she didn't come to events for me, uh, recitals, graduations, that sort of thing. And that was hard, but at the time I just accepted it because that's the way it is, and you know, I just that's the way it is.

Kristen 1:08:49

Right.

Jeannie 1:08:50

And my dad just was not very available to us kids. He would play with us after dinner and stuff, wrestle around on the floor, and we had a good time sometimes, and the rest of the time he was just very distant, and I particularly felt like he wasn't well, I felt like he didn't like me.

Kristen 1:09:12

Right. Yeah.

Jeannie 1:09:13

And when I was really young, in a lot of pictures, I have what my mom called my forlorn face. And I was just looking through old family pictures, and I just have this sad, sad look on my face from a very young age, like two. Oh. So I related with almost every single one of these to a strong degree. Testing of people, I didn't know anybody did this except me, and I feel like it's really pitiful. But when I was probably in second grade or so. Thank you.

Kristen 1:09:55

Yeah, we're not gonna judge that.

Jeannie 1:09:58

We would all, we had a lot of girls in our neighborhood within a year of each other, and we would go play in the one girl's garage because it was kind of the central location and it was empty, and we all just goofed off in there. And frequently I would just leave and go around the corner and stand on the side of the garage and listen to them, and listen to whether or not anybody noticed that I was gone. Right. And I don't even know. I think it annoyed people because I remember one time somebody saying, Oh, she's just doing that. Don't go, don't go talk to her.

Kristen 1:10:34

Which of course made me feel worse. They they started to they started to get hip to the jive.

Jeannie 1:10:41

They did. It must have slowed down after that because I don't remember doing it for a real long time, you know, many times, but not for a long period of time. Every single one of these. Can't be alone, difficulty trusting, hyper-vigilant, just every single one that you mentioned. And I feel like um I know I have an overattachment to romantic relationships. I know I'm afraid to be alone, and those are some of the hardest ones.

Kristen 1:11:16

Yeah.

Jeannie 1:11:18

But you're recognizing them, Jeannie. I am, that's true. This has been a tough couple of days. Is this the first time you've recognized them? Um, for the most part, yeah. Recognize them for what they were.

Kristen 1:11:34

Okay.

Jeannie 1:11:35

Did you sign up for the workbook? Not yet. I was gonna do it when we finished. I was taking notes.

Kristen 1:11:41

Okay, okay. Yeah, go ahead and send me the the send me that just anything, just a thumbs up. It doesn't matter what it is, just so I see it. Jeannie, I am so proud of you. I am so incredibly proud of you. I cannot express that enough. I know looking back on these things and understanding and taking responsibility for your part and the fact that you know what? I've I'm identifying with all of these things. I cannot tell you how how amazing that is. That's rock star status. That's one of the hardest things that we can do is admit these things to ourselves first. It really is because the ego wants to fight you, doesn't it? It wants to say, like you said, oh, it's pitiful. No, it's not, Mr. Ego, Ms. Ego. It's light, it's brilliant. Wow. I used to go hide behind the corner. Isn't that amazing that I know that now? That's your higher self speaking. You you heard me say that I would do that. I would test people. And in hindsight, now I'm looking back and I'm like, because I needed somebody to care. I I felt abandoned on some level. I didn't know it was abandonment. I I saw it as maybe I just wanted attention, but there was more to it than that. Because my kids never did that because they got all the attention in the world. See what I'm saying? It's just what the brain does to get its needs met. That's why we can't judge it. We can't add a judgment to it because it's what the brain concocted to get its needs met. Okay, so well done, sister. That is Rockstar Status. Yes, send me the DM so I don't forget to send you the workbook. And we have Shagofa. Hey Shagofa, how are ya? Is this your first time on stage? Good. Yes. Yes. Oh, hi. Thanks for coming. I've heard you on someone else's stage. I don't remember who it was, but I'm I'm glad you're here.

Shagofa 1:13:45

Yes, me too. I you're talking about, I was like, keep listening. Um, you know, I normally work at this time, so but this week is my week off, so I was like, let me just uh see. But yeah, healing from abandonment, hmm, recognizing was took me forever. And yeah, like um she was just saying that all kinds of stuff that uh grew up in the family that yeah, you was you were just there, that's it. Yeah, there was nothing, yeah. And so what I did is with my um boys, I was like, I'm gonna be like my mother. And so what I did is like I raised them by myself and I did everything that I could. Like you said, you know, they don't ask for attention because they already have it. And uh, but for me, it was I was the miserable person, you know, I was miserable all the time, I had no friends. Uh so all I was doing is like taking care of everybody, and everybody was just oh my gosh, I'm just gonna cry. And and it took me for a while, and then I had a uh problem with attachment, that I would get attached to people so fast, and now I'm good, I'm going through healing, but I'm really good. I I do listen to people and I don't attach to them because people would not stay with you, and they say that they were there for you, but they would not be. And family, oh family is always a family. Lie, lie, and you do good, you know, you try to help people and they will be back. Lie, no, you just do it because you want to, not because you have to. Right, and I had to do it. And my own mother, she lives um in the neighborhood, and I haven't talked to her for seven years, more than seven years, because she was just basically using me and taking advantage of me, and she was never there for me when I needed her. So you needed to save yourself. Yes, I did, and well done. Well done. I it took me a while because I was like, I never ever thought I could do that because that's how I lived. And slowly, slowly, I am so proud of myself that I do what I want to do and what I need to do for my mental, for my physical, and I am much, much better than I was before. Because I was trying to do everything for everybody to get their attention, to win their love, but no, that was another thing. And they would just keep doing it more and more and more, and I stopped it. Well, I didn't just stop it, I went to a counseling, and they're like, No, you're not a victim because you're letting them. I was like, Oh, okay. And as I said, it took me a while because I was so attached to all of these people that they had nothing to do with me. All they were doing is like when they needed me. Yep, that's what they were doing. Yep. And and I was, you know, we were taught, oh yeah, no matter what you do, pe people will be there for you, family will be there for you, family will never like abandon you, they will never forget you. Lie after lie after lie. That is not true. That is not yeah, so I sacrificed so much, but just because I did not know, and now I know I'm fine.

Kristen 1:17:54

Yeah, I was gonna say, Shigopha, you sound like you're really on solid ground now. Yes. Oh, beautiful. Well done, sis. Well done.

Shagofa 1:18:02

Yes, and I am, as I said, out of myself. It took me a while, but it's never too late. Never too late to find out what you're supposed to do to take care of yourself. But thank you so much for listening.

Kristen 1:18:21

Thank you so much for coming up, and you will be receiving 300 vibes as well. 300 vibes as well. Okay, we're going a little long today, and I couldn't say no to this last person that joined the queue, Miss Laura. So we're bringing up Laura G. Hey Laura. Hey, good morning.

Laura 1:18:38

Good morning. I just wanted to say thank you for making this space for all of us. Oh, you're welcome. Your kind, gentle voice, and your care is just amazing.

Kristen 1:18:50

Thank you, Laura. You're making me cry, thank you.

Laura 1:18:54

So I I just um I didn't think I'd get emotional. I just feel for all these people and um, and I guess myself. Yeah, we've all been through it, haven't we? Yeah, I mean, we don't even know we have these issues until we're mature adults. So thank you so much.

Kristen 1:19:20

You are so welcome, Laura. Thank you for coming up. And yeah, your empathy is beautiful too. And this is why we have these these talks, right? This is why we hold these stages, is because when we all get together like this, we're powerful. We're just a bunch of people that want some answers, we want some growth, we want some transformation, and we're doing it together. And I just I sit here shake my head every day on Noon Vibe, going, I can't believe I'm part of such an amazing community.

Laura 1:19:46

Yep. And I'm I'm all for the Facebook group. Okay.

Kristen 1:19:50

I was thinking about doing that just uh just for like a touch base on talks and stuff like that, just a a way for people to commune. I think that would be good since they. They've changed was it you or someone that said they changed it so that you guys can't DM each other now? So there's a way that everybody could commune over there.

Laura 1:20:08

Yeah, and then it's then it's really up to us if we want to join or not.

Kristen 1:20:12

Yeah, yeah. I think that's a great idea. Well, thank you so much, Laura. I appreciate you. Have a great day. You too, my beloved. Thank you so much. That was very sweet of Laura. I appreciate that. You guys are amazing. Thank you to Michael, Truth, Lois, Nicole, Jeannie, Shagofa, and Laura for coming up. I appreciate it. Yes, I do. I I do too feel. I too, I too feel for everything that everybody's been through, but yeah, I just uh I just know the power of self-healing and I know look at what Shigopha did. She goes, yeah, I figured a few things out and I'm good now. She's she figured it out. Like this is so figure outable, you guys. So yeah, sometimes in the beginning, when you start to recognize things, it can feel a little heavy, it can feel a little scary. But let me tell you something. On the other side of this healing is your best life. There's so much. So it doesn't matter at what stage of your journey, what age you are, that you're starting to figure these things out. Kudos to you. Kudos. I don't often get to join Cecilia Grace's kudos because she's at a time of the day when I am not available. So I'm gonna say it to you now. Kudos to you, all of you, for doing the work, for staying, trudging through. We've all been through it. We've all been through some things, haven't we? Some things. And they left impacts on us. But we are here. We are listening to Doom Vive. We are joining together, arm in arm, elbow to elbow, and we're gonna get there. We're there already. We're so worthy. Part three of this talk will be coming on Monday. That'll give you guys the weekend to marinate on this and work on the workbook if you would like. Um, that'll be the tools to heal the abandonment wound. That will be on Monday. So also, once again, anybody who joined late, if you're interested in the Healing the Abandonment Wound workbook, you can just send me a DM right here and just say workbook, please. I will send you the link, or you can email me at hello at kristenbrown.org. No strings attached. I'm just gonna send you the link. It was something I felt called to do. Thank you. I'm getting some thank yous coming in now from everybody, and I just want to say you are so welcome. You are so welcome. I love you guys. You're amazing. I'm so happy to be on this journey with you. Steven said to call the Facebook group KB's Seekers. That's cute. I'll consider it, Steven. All right, much love, everybody. I will see you Monday. Take care.