The Surprising Gifts of Self Forgiveness

So many of us don’t know what’s on the other side of self-forgiveness because we’ve never experienced it. We’ve carried guilt, regret, or shame for so long that the weight of it feels "normal". But what if I told you beneath that heaviness is a version of you that’s lighter, freer, and knows their worth? 

Would you be willing to try it?

When you finally stop punishing yourself and allow compassion and understanding to take its place, EVERYTHING begins to shift. You see yourself differently. Life takes on a whole new meaning and the world looks kinder, safer and more abundant than ever before. Self-forgiveness is liberation!

For FREE Resources, Book Link, 1:1 Mentoring, KB’s Self-Love Merch Shop and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello and good day to everyone. Welcome to Empower Hour with KB. I have a very, very juicy and important topic for you today, and one that I consistently revisit here on my talks on Noom Vibe because there are always new people joining Noom Vibe. And so I want them to be able to hear this as well. But also for those of us who are working in this department or aiming in this department, already know that this is a thing that they, you know, could be working on that could really improve their life. It's just a little revisitation, a little reminder, a little tap on the back, like, keep going, guys, keep going. So if you are someone who is interested in this topic, stick and stay, because this is one of the most important things that we can do to clear our energy. It is something that changed my life in the most profound way that I didn't even know I needed because I wasn't aware of it. And once I started to become aware of it and I started doing the practices, something shifted my whole entire life. The landscape of my life, the landscape of my mind, the landscape, excuse me, of myself changed. It was such a shocking, surprising, and beautiful transformation that I knew that there was something really, really deeply profound about this. All right, so I'm gonna ask you guys a question. And I want you, I want to see some claps come up on the stage if it is a yes for you. So let's say someone came up to you and they said, I have the magical key to lose 50 pounds. The magical key, it's not medicine, it's not this, it's not all these other things you know, it is the key. And this is all you're gonna need. It's fail-safe, it's 100% tried, true, tested. There is a guarantee that you would lose 50 pounds. My question to you is 50 pounds of physical weight, would you do it? Send up the claps if you would do that. If you knew that this person came in and you knew 100% that they held the key, would you be willing to do this? Yes, okay, right? We would. What if someone said to you, I hold the key and I want to give you this key to losing 50 pounds of emotional weight quickly. 50 pounds of emotional weight. Again, with the same disclaimers, it's fail-safe, it's 100% true solution, it's not gonna require medicine. If I gave you the key, would you do it? I see all the claps already coming up on the stage, and I believe you. Yes, Steven on the Back Channel said yes. Self-forgiveness is the key to losing that emotional weight. It is the key. It's the antidote, it's the solution to losing much of our emotional weight. There's other stuff in there too. I often call it dropping the 800-pound backpack, just dropping it off your back. That's what self-forgiveness does. That was my experience of it that was quite shocking to me because, as many of you know, I went on this healing journey 15 years ago where I vowed to remain single and celibate and not date anybody, not even look in the direction of a cute boy that had a cute butt. Absolutely not, because I knew how distracting relationships and love was for me. And during that time, self-forgiveness was one of the things that I started to practice. Where it came from, I couldn't tell you because I was not learning this from a mentor. I wasn't on YouTube. YouTube's only 16 years old, you guys, believe it or not. And this was 15 years ago. So YouTube was in its infancy. I didn't know what I was looking for. I just knew I couldn't be doing that behavior anymore and attracting those type of people anymore. That's all I knew. But I was reading lots of literature, and somewhere along the line, I was guided, which I believe was through uh God Source energy, in my head to start practicing self-forgiveness. So I did it. Here's what's important to understand you all before I get into the gifts of it. The change is subtle. It's not like you swing open the front door of your house and all of a sudden it's like, oh, and there's angels singing and hallelujah and marching bands out front of your house. It doesn't work that way. The change is very subtle, but here's the most important part: it's powerful. It's powerful. It's just this soft molding and melting into a cleaner, clearer version of yourself. That self that you didn't even know wasn't clean or clear. Maybe you do. I didn't. I did not know that. I thought I was as clean and clear as you could possibly get. I really did. Until I started to work on these things. And then my life started to shift because my inner world started to shift. Okay, we're gonna bring up Patty. Patty, thank you for coming. Thank you for hanging out and waiting. Can't wait to hear what you have to say today. And this is your first time on my stage, so you will be getting 300 Vibaliciouses. Hi, Patty. How are you doing? So glad to have you.

Patti 5:12

Yeah, just want to say hello to everybody and you, and hope you're having a wonderful day.

Kristen 5:17

I am definitely so far.

Patti 5:18

Yeah, I would say like forgiveness. I've had to learn to let that go, like with what happened to me, you know, I was in a bad relationship and and that kind of thing is abusive, bothly and physically. And um to let that go. I I I forgived, not not so much like I mean, I I remembered, I still keep it got it in my mind everything that went on and everything, but I had to kind of let it go for me to to grow, for me to heal. And um, yeah, so I kind of I let that go. And I've been going to church and I've been doing doing things like going to the parks and just getting out, you know, like there's a little trip they have with a little bus every once a week, and we go up, because I live by Daytona, and uh we go up there, there's a whole group of us get together, and I've been doing things like that, you know, just kind of kind of moving on, you know. And uh and I had to I had to forgive to uh to let to let that happen. Because as long as I didn't, I kept it in my heart and it kept it in my my stress and everything like that. I just I I couldn't move on.

Kristen 6:28

I I hear you, sister. First, I want to say, congratulations on getting out of your abusive relationship.

Patti 6:36

It took me a while because I was in that people bond, and yeah, it was it was it does, it takes a minute to get out of there.

Kristen 6:42

Takes it takes more than a minute. I'm so proud of you because that's a very difficult thing. It's so mind-messing to be in that type of relationship. And when we finally break free, but more than that, Patty, what I'm hearing is I mean, I am tears in my eyes, I'm holding my chest, I my heart. I am I'm hearing a woman who's like, I'm done with that life, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to heal from this. And talking about forgiveness, because I'm sure in this respect, you're talking about forgiveness of the person, massive, massive. Yeah. So my other question is have you forgiven yourself for things like, and this is coming from a fellow woman who has been in two abusive relationships, okay? Did you forgive yourself for staying? Did you forgive yourself for not leaving sooner for not speaking up or whatever it was? I don't know how that looked for you, but have you worked on your own forgiveness?

Patti 7:38

Yeah, because what happened is I had to I had to realize that there was a reason I stayed. It was the trauma bonding, it was the it was the um relation. And it, but I remember as a testimony, I um was in the bathroom. The last time he did something to me, I went to the bathroom and I stood before the mirror and I looked in front of the mirror and I was crying. And I just said, God, please get me out of this. God, please. That was my moment of change. That was the moment where I had to I had to make make my move. And and and it was hard because you you you still feel the the bonding. It that's the what pulls you to them is the bond. But it's it's it's a brain chemical kind of thing, you know, the dopamine and all that other going on, and it and there's so many people that done the same thing that I did, you know. Absolutely. It's all part of their course, you know, it's all part of what what they do, it's their tactics. And and when I learned all that, then I learned I knew that okay, that's why I stayed, and that's why we all stayed, you know, for the same reason. It's nothing that we did, it was part of what they done to us, and now I had to let that go. I had to let all that go and just leave it behind me. But there's something, like I say, I learned about it, and it was a big experience, and it made me turn turn to God even more because I had so many things that happened to me after that. When I asked for God for help in front of that mirror, things happened. This happened, that happened, and things like synchronistic things, like the path was laid. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I didn't know what to do, like with one incident, and all of a sudden, you know, this I talked to someone and like this lady, like through the divorce, you know, I had to do it myself, and I didn't know how to do because we were only married 10 months, and so we didn't have no kids, nothing like that.

Kristen 9:26

Oh, you got out fast, good for you.

Patti 9:28

But uh anyway, I uh I didn't know what to do. I got the packet, you know, and I'm going around looking at everybody. I didn't have any money, and everybody wanted $250 an hour to talk to you, you know, retainers. I didn't have that money, and I I didn't know where to go. And I I went to this place where there's like a whole bunch of offices on one store, one one level. Patty, you're timing out. Will you rejoin, please, so you can finish? Okay. Yeah, you just timed out. All right, we're gonna bring Patty back up. Oh wow, I gotta tell you, I had full-body chills while she was speaking about standing in front of the mirror and asking source for help and really meaning it because we can ask for it. Not, you know, there might be 1% of us that doesn't mean it, but man, when you really mean it, stuff starts to move. Welcome back, Patty. Yeah, and then what happens? I went up there and I asked the woman, there's like a woman, a central woman in the middle there that takes care of all the offices, you know. And I said to her, Is there anybody you know of that can help me with my situation? And I told her what it was. And she said, you know what? She said, I think there is one person. She should be coming off that elevator. Like, if you can wait, like maybe a half an hour, 45 minutes, because she's always on schedule, because she comes lunchtime, she goes back to her office. And I said, I'll I'll talk to her and say, and she did when she came off. She said, There she is, and then she talked to her and she said, Come to come with me. And she he helped me, like initial this and that, and certain things I missed on all my forms, you know. But I try to fill it out as much as I could. And then she said, and she put everything in order for me, and she said, All you gotta do is just go down there. I'm that's what I mean. God was just guiding everything just fell in place, and I knew it was you know, I knew but but you were listening too, you were willing to follow that guidance. Yeah, yeah. And I and now I'm like I'm so much into God and so much going to church and I just I just can't learn enough because I knew and I look back and I'm thinking maybe this had to happen for me, not as a bad thing, but as a good thing, because 100% He had to put me on a different path. God put me on a different path, and it was for a reason.

Kristen 11:28

Absolutely.

Patti 11:29

I look at it that way, and I said, you know, and I learned from it. So now I'm I can spot them red flags, you know, and I'm very, you know, and I'm not quick to get in a relationship, and you know, I'm like I've learned a lot, but but it's all part of forgiveness, you know. I had to forgive, and I had to let all that go and to move on and to be happy within myself and to be, you know, to heal. I just needed, I needed to do that.

Kristen 11:54

Sounds like you are so on path now, and that was the same thing with me too, Patty. You're new to me, so I don't know if you know this, but that was the same thing with me is that I had to have it's what I call my tsunami. It my this just wave of just wiping everything out of my house or out of my life for me to to really hit my knees and say, okay, something's gotta change here. So, what was one of the worst experiences of my life became one of the best and most lessons learned and shifted everything for me. But it takes a hope, an open heart and mind to do so because we do have that choice of victimhood. We have that choice. So I really want to honor you and give you kudos for saying, Okay, I'm gonna learn from this, I'm gonna figure this out, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes. Yeah, yeah. Big kudos to you for that.

Patti 12:42

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Kristen 12:45

It was wonderful talking with you here. Thank you, Patty. Yeah, and you will be getting 300 vibes for your first time on my stage, and I hope that you come back and see us. Also, do you have an Apple device? Are you seeing the emojis come up while you're speaking?

Patti 13:01

Yeah, yeah.

Kristen 13:02

Yep, yeah, you got a lot of support, a lot of love, a lot of um validation for everything that you were saying. That's that's why I love when you guys all come up on the stage because people relate.

Patti 13:13

Yeah, we relate. Thank you, everybody out there, for the the support and all that. I I appreciate it. You guys are wonderful. Thank you.

Kristen 13:20

You're welcome, Patty. Bye-bye.

Patti 13:22

Bye-bye.

Kristen 13:23

All right, you guys, that was such a great share from Patty. Ugh, why is it that every single time I get on the stage, I get misty? I mean, I feel you. I am such an open-hearted being and I understand, I know what goes on in these types of situations. So to hear Patty come up, my Patty, big kudos for you for getting out in 10 months because I didn't. Like my world had to crash around me. The first one, I won't, I won't get into all those details, but not right now, because we're talking about self-forgiveness. But oh my gosh, I'm really proud of you. And thank you for coming up and sharing your story with us and talking about forgiveness and connecting with source and finding your path. And the point that she said, I can't learn enough. I just can't learn enough. You guys have probably heard me say that at some point too, that once you start this ball rolling in that direction, you start to feel better and the your lens begins to clear. It's like, I want more. I want more of this, more of this, more of this. And we just keep going and we just keep getting cleaner and clearer. So thank you again, Patty, for that. I appreciate it. All right, so we're gonna move into what are the gifts of self-forgiveness. I do see someone join, but I'll, since I said that already, I'm gonna continue on with the first one, and then I will bring up my next guest. So the first one is emotional freedom. And this is a relief from guilt and shame. Emotional freedom. A large part of my journey was having to forgive myself for disrespecting myself, dishonoring myself, not protecting myself, and of course, other things that we do. That's my personal experience, but you know, mistakes that we made, things that we did, maybe people that we had hurt. It gives us emotional freedom. It's a relief from guilt and shame. Self-forgiveness helps release the emotional weight of past mistakes. Remember in the beginning of this talk, I talked about losing 50 pounds of emotional weight quickly. Well, there you go. Guilt can be constructive for reflection. Yes, guilt is serving. It's an emotion that we have and it's serving, but it's only serving momentarily, just like anger or frustration or hopelessness or whatever it might be. Our emotions are only supposed to be guideposts. We're not supposed to hang on to them. We're supposed to take them as indicators, as signals, as the lower emotions of things that are not going well, or what is this trying to show me? That's what emotions are for. So hanging on to excessive guilt and shame for long, long periods of time is only hurting ourselves. So, yes, if we have some guilt or some shame around something, it's constructive to reflect on that and to look at that. But when it festers into shame and becomes toxic and hangs around for a long time, sisters, brothers, we're only hurting ourselves. Forgiving ourselves allows us to learn and let go, exactly what Patty was talking about. Guilt and shame have no other. They simply have no other purpose other than being guideposts. But again, when things go on in our life and we we sometimes internalize things or we feel this guilt and shame and we're not even conscious of it. How about that? We're just carrying it around, we don't even know it's there. And I guarantee you, unless you've done this work, it's there because it's part of the path here. It's part of being human to have these experiences. So if you have not done self-forgiveness work, man, hopefully this talk is reaching you. Hopefully, everybody who comes up on the stage and all the words that ever is spoken here, you allow it to sink in and say, you know what? Maybe I should revisit. A lot of times we don't want to revisit, though, because it feels yucky initially, because we're looking back and we're like, ooh, that thing I did, ooh, cringe. You don't have to ruminate around in it. You already know what you did. You can just label it, identify it, recognize it, and then begin the healing work. When I did this work myself and continue to every single day, when I really started this, I didn't sit and room around, room, ruminate and roll around in like a like a pig in the mud of the situation and just make myself feel worse. I just said, oh yeah, that time you disrespected yourself. Oh yeah, that time that you said this to someone and hurt their feelings. Oh yeah, that time. That's it. There's no need to roll around in it. Okay. We want to let it go. To roll around in it, whatever we focus on grows. So if we're hanging out in it, we're focusing on it, we're we're blowing up that energy of that thing. So keep that in mind that this is not something you have to like hang out in for a long time. The second one, my cue's filling up, so let me get the second one in. I have seven of these. It will give you the gift of inner peace, my beloved. A quieter inner critic. Who doesn't need a quieter inner critic? Don't we all? Well, that inner critic is coming from that place of shame and guilt. Yeah, look at the claps going up. It's coming from that place of shame and guilt. So we already have that inside. We already think there's something wrong with us, or we're bad, or we're terrible, whatever it might be. And so that just keeps going. That just leads the train, that just runs the show. So when we start to forgive ourselves, guess what happens? There's space. That harsh voice in your head starts to soften, and you're no longer constantly punishing yourself, judging yourself, making yourself feel bad. You make space for compassion, kindness, and growth. Another self-love tenants is one of the other self-love tenants is compassion and acceptance for self. So all of these things work congruently together. So one of the gifts of self-forgiveness is inner peace. Your harsh critic within softens. It can't not. It's part of the structure of this. All right, we're bringing up my next guest, my next co-host. That's what I've decided to name all you guys, who is Mr. Terry. Hey Terry, welcome.

Terry 19:26

Hi, K. I love the failing of innovation. Yeah. Such a good point, you might uh um if you do release it in the baggage of your shine. Because I don't think there's a there's only a very few designers on his earth. And even I had to um learn the legends before they became a sign. Um when you do look at the thing you've done. In your life, which I which I had to do, you know, and um I've spoken to you about it a few times, you know. And um now I can see that is just where I wasn't acting out of love or love to for myself, you know.

Kristen 20:14

Yes.

Terry 20:15

Yeah. Great, excellent point. And then i i i it's like a um a millstone that is released from around your neck, you know. And once you once you um have that piece, uh inner peace of self-forgiveness, it allows you to look at other people and forgive them, you know. And um if if if if this world is gonna get for the next few years, it's gonna have to find forgiv forgiveness in its heart, you know? And um yeah, ultimately for themselves, you know. Because there is everybody, society and peer pressure, it points a finger, you know. And you know, it's even um in your career, you know, you might have made a mistake and you feel guilty for it, you know. And um, you know, we know there are understanding bosses and there are um less understanding bosses and things like that. Now when when you realize that you can forgive yourself and um you can even ask the universe for a hug. I've done that many a time.

Kristen 21:22

Oh, that's awesome.

Terry 21:24

Yeah, and I'll tell you something, that's when I felt inner peace and a warm glow. Always remember if you judge yourself harshly for anything you've done, yeah, always remember that um it's a lesson you needed to learn, and more often than not, it's because you didn't act from a place of love. So thank you, KB.

Kristen 21:48

Beautiful, Terry. Thank you so much. I actually wrote that down because I love that he said this, and this is why I love my co-host so much. He said, when there's something that we're feeling guilt or shame around, it is because we were not acting from love. Period. Okay, right there, boom. And then when it's some oftentimes it's specifically we're not acting through the lens of love for self. Powerful point. Thank you so much, Terry. The third thing is it improves our mental health, it reduces our anxiety, it reduces depression, and it reduces self-destructive behavior. Research has shown that self-forgiveness is linked to better psychological well-being. Let me say that again. This is research backed. Research has shown that self-forgiveness is linked to better psychological well-being, it decreases our rumination, it increases our hope, and it helps us break free from self-destructive patterns because the driving force behind those patterns is gone. Because what is shame and guilt and all that? I suck, something's wrong with me, I'm not lovable. What does it do? It sends us into a place of wanting the world to fill that void for us. And we will compromise our sacred self, slash, what that means is self-abandon. I call it compromising the sacred self. We will self-abandon over and over and over again in order to get our needs met. So we will step away from who we are, what we deserve, because we have this system that's running behind the scenes that is creating those self-destructive behaviors. Super great point to keep in mind. Next co-host, we have Miss Amani. Welcome, Amani. Thank you for coming. Hello, beautiful. Hello.

Imani 23:59

I hope you had a wonderful weekend.

Kristen 24:01

Um I had a really beautiful weekend. I am gonna mute though because I forgot my water downstairs and I don't want to disrupt you. So you go ahead and I'm gonna mute for a minute because I gotta walk downstairs and stuff.

Imani 24:12

So this was a pivotal point that I had to learn. And the comfort of that is knowing it's never too late to start. It's never too late to restart. It's kind of like how Staples used to have the easy button, you pressed it. You need things to be easier for yourself. That was me. Because growing up, we weren't allowed to have feelings in the household. So all you could do is just stuff them down, stuff them down, stuff them down, and keep plowing ahead like a soldier, and you had no right to complain. So when I came into adulthood, I didn't know how to be in tune with my feelings, my emotions, or how to even properly explain what I'm feeling because I wasn't allowed to do it for 18 plus years. So as I have gone on this journey of reinvention, which is still going on, I had to really be honest with myself and realize that yes, I sacrificed myself every single time and put myself back on the shelf because it made other people uncomfortable. And I didn't want people to be uncomfortable. And also I didn't know how to do a conflict. Because growing up, my parents took care of that. And I wish they had given the opportunity to me to learn my lessons and learn what to do better next time. But at least I'm learning it now. And the thing that was really pivotal last year was while I was having my time with God, he said, every time you reject yourself, every time you put yourself back on the shelf, every time you negate your worth and value, you are rejecting me. Your creator. Make mistakes. So stop saying all those things about yourself. Stop making excuses for other people and how they treat you. Let's learn who you are, my daughter. Let's learn who you are finally. So then you can create those healthy, safe boundaries. You can see where you're just being tolerated and not celebrated. You'll be able to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself. And you will also be able to tell others what you need and what you will and won't do. But unless we take that intentional time to really look at the reflection that's looking back at us and be like, you know what? You are absolutely right. Let me forgive myself. Let me give myself grace and permission to know it's okay that the old me is gone. The newer me, it's so much better. I mean, come on now. I mean, hey, Queen, hello boo, you do all that. And I look back and then know that, hey, even with all the perceived mistakes that was made, I look at them as lessons along the journey of life experience. I had to go through it to know, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. I had to go through it to know that's exceptional, keep doing that. I allowed myself trial and error. You didn't get to the way you are today overnight. You just woke up this morning be like, you know what, this sucks. No, it took time. So you got to give yourself grace and time also to unlearn, to relearn, and be comfortable being uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. And why do I say that? When we play it safe, we don't grow. We say comfortable, you know, walking around with that line is blanket all the time. We are staying safe, we're not growing, we're not learning, we're not experiencing. But when we allow ourselves to get uncomfortable, I don't know about anyone else, but that's where the greatest growth for me resided is when I took that first thing, put my toe in the water. I don't know if I can do this.

Kristen 27:54

It's another one of those great paradoxes about the healing journey. It really is. It's like I have to go where it's uncomfortable to feel better. What?

Imani 28:02

I know, right? I don't want to pineapples. Um, but I'm learning now that to embrace those moments because you know what it's also telling us we're getting ready for the next level. And we are being prepared and equipped to deal with the warfare, the distractions, the hindrances that are gonna come up in that next level. Because you are never placed in a situation, you are never sent anywhere that you're not already ready equipped for. It's just already inside you. You just haven't learned how to tap into it yet. Or you've been on mute for a while. Go ahead, re-tap that button, reach into the inner you to be great in all of the special sauce that only you can bring to the table. Because you deserve it.

Kristen 28:51

We love you too, Amani. Thank you so much for that. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You what I really want to expand on that she said briefly, what what I want to expand on briefly about what she said that really, really captured me, I think is a great point to drive home, is that we must be willing to visit and revisit. Visit and revisit. Sometimes it's one and done, sometimes it's not. Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves. Maybe there's a part of us that feels so bad, is so in the dark. We are so ashamed of the thing that we did that we don't even think we deserve forgiveness. Who has been in that space? If you don't want to clap, that's okay. If you, that's fine. If you don't want to win this one, you can backchannel me privately. But if how many of you have been in the place where you're like, oh, oh no, you guys are happy to clap. Look at you. You're like, oh yeah, sis. Amani Paula, Lisa, Jeanette, VA, uh, Sarah. Yeah, right. There's some, there's sometimes those places where like, oh no, no, I don't even deserve it. That was that was heinous. So what you're doing in that moment is you're telling yourself you should have known something that you didn't. That's not fair. You shouldn't, you should have known something that you didn't. You should have loved yourself. You should have already been loving yourself more. No, you shouldn't have. You were exactly where you were. We do our very best in any given situation. That's it. Period. And once I understood that that was the best it got at that moment, because of whatever reason, I could let myself off the hook. I could see, I could understand why I said, did, acted, whatever it was. I could see why. Oh, because I was coming from this mindset, because I was coming from this programming, because I was coming from this pain and this hurt and this betrayal and this fear. That's why I did the thing. That's why my brain constructed that that was the next best thing to do. Okay, there's always a reason why. And you are worthy of forgiveness. Drop that 800-pound backpack. It's not serving you, it's hurting your back, it's hurting your joints, it's hurting you. And it's also hurting your relationships. So the next one, before I bring it my my next two guests, is it's going to improve your relationships. And oh, I don't remember who said it was a Terry or a Mani. I think it might have been Terry. I don't know. One of you said that you become more compassionate towards others. This is absolutely true. Because when we are in the habit of judging ourselves, because that's what it is, we're judging what we did, we're judging our behaviors. When we are in that habit, we're going to naturally judge other people as well. We're also, when we're judging other people's, it's an indicator that we're judging ourselves too. So when we become more loving with self, more compassionate with self, when we start to see why it is that we did X, Y, Z behavior, we start to see why somebody else did XYZ behavior. And forgiveness for them and compassion for where they're at is more accessible. So it helps our relationships in that way. So forgiving yourself allows you to, it's more likely that you'll be able to forgive others. You'll also become less reactive and more emotion emotionally available. Ooh, ooh, ooh. This is one of my favorite parts of all this because I'm also all about healthy relationships. We become less reactive and more emotionally available. If we're walking around thinking we suck, thinking there's something wrong with us, thinking we're not good enough, whatever it might be for you, it is going to build a wall around your heart, and you will not give people full access to your full heart and who you are organically. You become less authentic when you are carrying those things around. You can't not, because you're ashamed of self. So you don't want anybody else to see self because then they're going to be like, ew. You're afraid to let other people see. But when you let yourself off the hook and you forgive yourself, guess what's happened? Guess what happens? You start to see yourself as a beautiful, loving being, doing the very best you can. And then you're willing to let other people see that. A short story. I remember one time telling a story to somebody about a behavior I did within a relationship. And it's one of those cringe moments, kind of your own embarrassing story type things. And I told someone this because I did I forgave myself. I don't, I saw, I knew why I did it. It's part of my healing journey, my healing of that, my self-forgiveness of that happened during my College of Christian 15 years ago. I don't hold on to that, but I was telling somebody like two years ago this story, and they looked at me and they crunched up their face. They're like, oh my God, you did that? Yeah, I did that. And they're they like, dang. And I looked at them and I said, I don't feel that way about that anymore. I forgave myself for that because I understood why I did it. I understood where I was coming from. And you should have seen their face soften, their shoulders drop, and they kind of looked down and they're like, Oh, oh, that's good, or whatever they whatever they responded, I don't remember. But my me telling them, no, I don't hold myself hostage to that, that shifted their perception about not only what I did, but also about how they can treat themselves now. Because there might be things that they were carrying around that was holding them hostage to something. Here's my favorite part though. One of my favorite parts is that when we forgive ourselves, are you ready, you guys? This sounds you might be like, Kristen, really, this is your favorite part. I love this. We become less defensive. What we become less defensive. A person becomes less defensive through self-forgiveness because they no longer feel the need to protect that fragile sense of self. Think of if you're someone who has been highly defensive, okay, and you know it. You're like every time anybody you take things personally is another word to say for that. You take it personally and you get all up in arms when someone says it can even be something that's really benign, or your reaction is over the top to the thing that they have said. Okay, that's defensiveness. That's taking things personally. Why is that in place? Because we have a fragile sense of self, because we don't think we're good enough. We think that. So, you know, this person comes in, this unsuspecting person says something, all of a sudden we're like, oh, how dare you? And then we call ourselves sensitive and that the whole world needs to walk around our sensitivities. No. Let me bring you the hard truth, my beloveds, because I love you and I'm willing to say the hard truth. No. You're too sensitive in that regard. So I'm not talking about an HSP, someone that as, you know, is just sensitive to energy and things like that. I'm talking about everybody's hurting your feelings left and right, and you want the world to walk on eggshells around you. No, you have some healing work to do. I promise you, when you do this work, you're gonna magically, I'm smiling, I can hardly talk through my smile right now. You are gonna magically see yourself differently. And you're gonna look back and be like, I can't believe I was that defensive. Because that's where defensiveness comes from. When we carry unresolved guilt or shame, we build defenses. And that often shows up in blame, denial, oversensitivity to other people's words, overexplaining, perfectionism, deflecting, gaslighting, all of these type of things can come because we have a wounded inner world. And all these things are constructed to avoid us facing the pain of our own perceived flaws and failures. I don't want to look at it, I don't want to look at it, I don't want to look at it. And like Amani said, embracing that discomfort, that's where the freedom is, that's where the growth is. Again, the paradox. I don't want to go where it's yucky because it's yucky. But if I go where it's yucky and I apply self-forgiveness, that goes away and I experience this massive amount of freedom, emotional freedom. I drop the weight and I see life through this completely different lens. Oh my gosh, I didn't know. I had no idea. So when we forgive ourselves, this acceptance and love of self softens the need to defend, to prove, or to hide. We're no longer fighting to convince others or ourselves that we are good enough because we know we are. Flaws and all, we accept our imperfections and we do not feel threatened by them any longer. And I wrote down this sentence because it was so powerful. Self-forgiveness lowers defensiveness by creating a stable inner foundation, one built not on being right or perfect, but on being honest, whole, and still worthy. What do you guys think about that? Pretty cool, isn't it? It cleans up defensiveness. For those of you who are defensive, here's your key, here's your key. Welcome, Sarah. Thanks for joining.

Sarah 39:16

Thank you. So I love that the title says self-forgiveness. Um, it reminds me of being little, and I was told, like, oh, you're supposed to forgive and forget. And as a child, you like interpret it like I guess the way I was programmed is that, oh, if somebody hurts you, you turn the other cheek and let them hurt that cheek too. So it took me years to like view it differently, and now I view it more as um radical acceptance than um just forgiveness. And once I've like taken it away from like, oh, you're supposed to forgive the people who hurt you, rather. Um accept and like just accept yourself where you're at, and it makes it so much easier for me to like palette it. And I feel like if somebody would have said early on, self-forgiveness, I may like be in a different place today.

Kristen 40:17

Yeah. Wouldn't we all?

Sarah 40:20

Right. But I I definitely um I know like radical acceptance for me is self-forgiveness. It's like showing up where I'm at and being okay with whatever happened and whatever I endured. And it's like different for me than just like general forgiveness. And I just like I said, it was past programming. But yeah.

Kristen 40:49

You know what I love about this, Sarah, is that you found terms that feel good for you, like radical acceptance. That feels really good to Sarah. And I can tell because when she says it, I feel the energy of her saying that. So, guys, think about this. You can word this any way you want. Because sometimes even the word forgiveness for people who have gone through religious abuse, let's say, that that word can be loaded just because it's been said so much. So if you need to change the wording of it, go for it. Call it something else. I want to invite people, anybody who's listening right now, if you can, if it's safe to do so and you you are able, write down the word forgiveness and then put a line through it and write understanding or acceptance. What feels better to you guys? This is your journey. You get to decide.

Sarah 41:44

You know, I didn't even realize it is a lot of like religious conditioning, and I remember sitting in the bishop's office, and he's like, Well, we forgive and we forget. So then following week, I like go in and and I'm like expected to give my abusers hugs. Yeah. You know, and as a little couple, you you're like, okay, well, let me forgive and be like this great kind person. And what it does is it's almost like it makes you feel that, like, okay, you are worthless, and and you it's it makes us feel wrong. It makes me feel so wrong. Yes. And then like fast forward, like 20-something years later, learning how to feel your emotions instead of suppressing them, and then reviewing radical acceptance and like the lipel flickering. It's like, okay, like it's not even about like the other person, it's about me. Yeah, so I I definitely like I can accept myself and the things I've been through, and I'm able to detach myself from like the people who inflicted things on me, and that's yeah, self-forgiveness. It's a big piece.

Kristen 43:11

Sarah I'm so glad you came up. You might time out while I'm saying this, but I I wanted to point out oh, somebody's really enjoying the neighbors.

Sarah 43:20

Sorry, come here.

Kristen 43:22

It's okay. It's okay. We know your dog sitting, always. You know, why don't you mute it though so people can hear me? Mute your microphone. There we go. Yes, okay. So then that's a great idea, everyone, for anybody who, if you are in a loud environment when you come on the stage when the other person talks, just mute. You can unmute when you're done. We do it all the time. We've done this since the predecessor app. But what Sarah said was that, you know, when people were saying she had to forgive and forget, that that was the way to forgive and forget. So she thought, okay, this is what I'm supposed to do. You know what? We're we're taught in that moment, we're taught to disconnect from our true self, from our inner knowing, from that part of us that says, something's wrong here. Because when you're with abusers and you're supposed to forgive and forget, that means you are continuing, we are continuing to put ourselves in proximity with that abuser and go hug your abuser. We're totally stepping away from self because somebody told us we're supposed to. And this is the I don't even know the right words for this, but it's just part of our journey where we have these elders around us that were supposedly all knowing and were supposed to guide us and tell us how to do things. And then we grow up and we're like, that was a big cluster. None of that feels good. I feel terrible about that entire thing. I've walked out a fraction of who I am. What is happening here? And then we have these belief systems and this conditioning that was swirling inside of our heads, telling us this is how it was supposed to be. But the beauty of all of this is when we step into our adult selves and we are now a charge of ourselves, we get to decide. And you have an inner knowing inside of you that will guide you. You don't have to believe anybody else anymore. You get to trust yourself because you are connected to source. Source will guide you. Just like our lovely Patty said when she first got out, she came up early today. When she made that decision to walk away from her abuser, she was guided. At any point, we can make this decision, right? So that was a little sidebar. We are talking about self-forgiveness today, but I do think it's important to understand that many people, many of us, have had some type of dogma implanted on us about how it is or the right way to be or the right way life is. And gosh, Sari, I'm just on a I'm on a soapbox right now because she was like, oh, to be kind, to be a kind person meant I was supposed to forgive and forget. Oh man, if someone say that in my my presence, there would be words, and I don't mean mean words, there would be words, there'd be a conversation because no, we're never gonna forget. It's there, it's part of our memory. Okay. When the thing is done to us, that is yes. Forgiveness is divine, forgiveness sets us free. We know, yes. And I don't forget that that happened. So I get to be in the power seat of my life and decide if I want to be around those people anymore when we are of the age to do so. Unfortunately, some of us aren't able to do that when we're young, right? Because we're too little. We don't have the means to be able to do that or the opportunity to be able to do that. Welcome back, Sarah.

Sarah 46:42

Yeah, just really quickly, I kind of wanted to point out the point of like the child piece, right? Like when you're a child, you're learning and you're programming. So there does come a time when you're like an adult, but it also takes years for you to understand that you were programmed incorrectly before you can even get to that space of oh wait, I have like like self-efficacy and I have like my own choice, and then that it is actually like okay to just accept like yourself, which it it just takes a bit, but thank you for like elaborating because I think you probably said it better than I can, and and yeah, like you're so well spoken, and I love the way you said it.

Kristen 47:31

I just drive the point home sometimes. When someone makes a great point, I'm like, I gotta drive that point, that point home, because that was so profound.

Sarah 47:39

I think I was just getting at that like forgiveness isn't always things that you've done, sometimes just forgiving, because like little kids don't really have a choice or say, it's more it's like for yourself. It's for yourself to just like accept and know it is like things are sometimes out of your control, and you have to eventually accept them so you can move on. It it doesn't really matter if you're the wrong person or not, you have to just like accept so you can move forward, and that's all.

Kristen 48:17

That's exactly right. Thank you so much, Sarah. I appreciate you coming up today. I'm gonna step into the next step, which is a stronger sense of self-identity. This is another gift of self-forgiveness. You realize you're more than your mistakes. Hello. Hello, we realize we're so much more than our mistakes. Think about that. Are you someone that has been walking around with this filter over you thinking that's all that you are? Right? You're just this flawed, broken, some people like to say, sucky person. And you're walking around with that. Forgive yourself. What does it do? You stop defining yourself by your worst moments, by those times that you chose incorrectly, by those times that you were in your wrong mind as opposed to your right mind. And I'm talking right as in alignment with your higher self and spirit, not meaning right and wrong in those regards. I'm thinking that's a Buddhist principle's right mind, capital R, right mind, when you're in your highest self. Sometimes we're thinking with our lower mind, and we do things, and they're not great. But there is always an opportunity to forgive yourself. And here's a big one. I want to drive this point home. Please listen to this very, very clearly. It is one thing to make amends and ask forgiveness of somebody else. That's beautiful, that's great. Okay, because you're you're giving them the gift of ownership, which is huge. Like I said, massive, massive, massive. They may or may not forgive you depending on the thing that you did. But what happens after that? Many people are sitting and waiting, sitting on their hands, waiting for that person to forgive them, for them to be able to forgive themselves. And I'm here to tell you, we're talking about two different functions. Them forgiving you is for them. You forgiving you is for you. We don't wait till somebody else forgives us, then we go, okay, they forgave me, so I'm good now. Uh-uh. What if they never do? Are you gonna carry around that thing that you did for the rest of your life, heavy and burdened? You must be willing to forgive yourself. One more quick point that I do not want to forget to say, and this is I I hope you guys hear me, and this is through experience. The same way that we are conditioned to not forgive self, the same way that we have been programmed to not forgive self, we can program ourselves to forgive ourselves quickly. I have practiced self-forgiveness so much that the minute I do something that's wonky, whether to myself or to someone else, immediately, that's what my brain does. It comes in and it says, it's okay, you didn't know, you did the best you can. Go apologize if you need to, if it's regarding somebody else, it's automatic now for me. I didn't know I was doing this, but because I was working so diligently on self-forgiveness that when I do something and my body alerts me, again, whether it's to somebody else or to myself, my body alerts me, red flag, red flag, not okay, not okay, guilt, shame, whatever it might be. I'm like, okay. And boom, the next wave that comes in is you did the best you can. Go apologize if you need to, if it's regarding somebody else. Give yourself a hug if it's regarding you. We can train our brains, you all. The beauty of our neuroplastic brains, they are rewirable. So please keep that in mind. The next thing is growth and resilience. What this means is self-forgiveness allows you to own what happened without being owned by it. You grow wiser instead of bitter. So when you learn about when I learned all the ways that I compromised myself, self-abandoned myself, forward slashed, disrespected, dishonored, abused myself, uh, didn't protect myself. When I owned all of that, not only was I able to release my own backpack, but I saw the all of those occurrences, all of those situations from a wider, wide angle spiritual lens. That was a very surprising thing to me. All of it looked different to me. All of it looked purposeful on some regards, like Patty was saying about being in that abusive relationship. She saw how it was for her, how it worked for her on some capacity. So that pulling back and wide view lens, I was like, oh, I see how all this is, how all of this is coming together. All of this, how it co-mingles for my own lessons and journey. Hey Steven, welcome. Thanks for waiting.

Steven 53:21

Before Sarah came in, the uh walking on eggshells and all that stuff, oh Lord. I can tell you what it's like to be under the influence of a person like that for the last uh 28 and a half years, and you finally get away from it, and it's like the blinders come off, the sunglasses come off. You get to see that there's a world out there that's not uh involved people pleasing somebody who's never ever going to be happy. You know, I should you like, well, I should do this, and I should have done that, and I should have done this, and I should not should all over myself whatsoever.

Kristen 54:02

That's right.

Steven 54:05

Yeah, and the self-reflection, um it made me think of some song lyrics, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna write these down, and if I can come up with a song, I'll I'll relay that too. Uh it's a song from Ellie Holcomb. And the song is I Will Carry You. You are not the sum of your mistakes. You don't have to hide the parts of you that ache. Yeah. I like the the beat of the song and stuff like that. But when when your brain's ready, somebody's song lyrics are gonna drill straight into you so deep that you're gonna be just sitting there like a puddle going, what the heck just happened? And it's like, well, you can talk to God's source universe. Somebody just opened up a a part of you you didn't know that was there and spoke to it. That stuff is just so cool. But you have to get away from all the different distractions to get in the way. Like jumping through all those hoops that I used to do. And I was since I was off this morning, I was uh a group of us from the recovery community at my church had coffee, three or four of us, and we were kind of laughing about something, and I said, Yeah, I said, This is the one I like to use because it was a visual. I said I held I pulled up one of my uh shoes and I and held it, held my foot up, and I said, see all the scuffs on the toes? And they're like, Yeah. And I said, I just smile and go, Yep, those are the hoops that I missed.

Kristen 55:54

It's a great metaphor.

Steven 55:56

It is. When I first like I can understand Patty going, when I first get and got a chance to go back to my church and to hang out there, hadn't been there for 17 years and wondered, you know, there's always going to be this fear. Well, what and it's all your own mind telling you your ego, telling you, oh, you're not gonna be accepted, it's gonna suck, people are gonna somebody's gonna recognize you. Weren't you that guy that used to be married or something? What's where's she? And I'm like, none of it ever happens. It's catastrophizing. You check back in there and then you realize everybody just wants to h help, and the people that do want to help sincerely, those are the ones you gravitate towards, especially if they've been through similar experiences, because they're further down the road, pretty much their story is gold for you to pick up because they've lived through some of the experiences that you might be going through now. Sometimes you just have to discern a little bit. Like when I hi first hired the lawyer, it's like, well, I think you gotta do this. Everybody had an opinion.

Kristen 57:07

Yeah, everybody does, right? Everybody has an opinion. Thank you, Stephen, for coming up. Thank you, thank you. I hope I hope you have a fabulous week off. That sounds amazing. Number seven, the f last and final one, is one of the gifts of self-forgiveness is the power to move forward. The power to move forward. You are not stuck in the past. It becomes easier to set goals, to rebuild trust, to re-engage with life when we forgive ourselves. It's is quite frankly, it's like cleaning a slate that you most of the time didn't even know was dirty. Self-forgiveness doesn't just erase the past, it stops it from controlling your life and not erase in the way that like it never happened. It just takes the dense energy out of the thing. It's just this all this work to me is mind-blowing, fascinating in the highest regards. Because when I did things that I felt ashamed or cringed or guilt over, if I didn't forgive myself, that just packed further into that foundation of unworthiness, and that created more of the same, maybe different scenarios, maybe different people, maybe different situations and circumstances, but it created more of the same. And when I started to forgive myself and really work on that within me, I noticed I stopped repeating patterns, dysfunctional patterns that were hurting myself or my life or my relationship or whatever it was. I stopped doing that because it it clears out what's holding us down, what's dragging us down like an anchor. That anchor gets cut. And this is one of those things where don't take my word for it. Try it out. Give it a shot, see how you feel, what did it do for you? And for me, like I said, going backwards just a little bit, by me having understanding of why I did what I did or chose what I chose in those spaces, where was I at at that time? What contributed to it? How was I thinking? How was I feeling? What did I believe about myself? In a negative way mostly. It was not like if I believed great about myself, I wouldn't have done those things. What was I believing about myself? Of course I did those things. And here's what. Where it's uh, I don't have the right words for this, where it's kind of a two-fold thing because when we start to own our worthiness, uh we can tend to forgive ourselves more, but also it's like a circle. When we forgive ourselves, we start to own our worthiness. It's like one of those circles. Think of a circle cut in half where one arrow is going to the left and the other one on the underneath is going to the right. It just keeps going. Does that make sense to everybody? Hi, Jennifer. Thanks for coming.

Jennifer 1:00:36

Hello, hello. I tell you, you you are right on. Self-forgiveness is so important. I had to forgive myself for something that I didn't think that I could. And I will tell you, it took about a year and a half, and a year and a half of not just sitting, but a year and a half of actually doing better. Of working to understand why. And at the end of the day, Chris, I couldn't really come up with a great reason why. There just wasn't one. And so I just had to go, okay, I did. I can't change it. I did. And I very much worked to behave differently, very intentionally and specifically. And the weight I remember the day it happened, the weight that came off my shoulders. And it doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean anything was good or proper or yay.

Kristen 1:01:40

We're not condoning. We're not condoning. We're just releasing.

Jennifer 1:01:44

Yes, the weight that came off. And I realized that with carrying that heavy backpack, that weight on your shoulders, you can't be your best self in other areas of your life. You just can't. I couldn't, I couldn't. And so the the impact that it had on all areas of my life really was profound. And personally, for me, I had to be I had to be doing different, better for long enough that I truly felt it wasn't gonna go backwards. That was my experience, but it's profound, and I encourage people to work at it. Why is my car? Sorry. It's telling me that I'm close to running over something, which I'm not. There's nothing there. Anyway, sorry about that.

Kristen 1:02:35

Well, maybe that's just the universe ringing my bell. You know how I have my little bell that I ring or my little bead claps. So, Jennifer, I want to ask you this because you you're already done with the forgiveness portion of that. And you said you didn't understand the why, but I'm gonna challenge that. Maybe you didn't at that time. Maybe the why was something like I didn't love myself or I didn't think I was worthy or I was trying to get love.

Jennifer 1:02:58

You are you are correct.

Kristen 1:03:00

Yeah. So there's always a why, but sometimes we don't know it when we're not aware of that yet.

Jennifer 1:03:04

No, I wasn't. And it's like an onion. If I had figured out everything all at once, it would have been just overwhelming. Um and maybe that's the the mind's way of protecting.

Kristen 1:03:14

Absolutely.

Jennifer 1:03:16

So yeah, it and I didn't at the time, but I did I did decide that should I never understand why, that's still okay. Love that. Because I was it was wrong and I wasn't doing it anymore. You're correct, it came eventually.

Kristen 1:03:33

Yeah, but I love that you brought this point up. This is why I love you guys, why I love my co-hosts, because Jennifer, so I couldn't figure it out. I didn't know why, I didn't understand, but I knew I didn't want to do it anymore. That's profound and of itself.

Jennifer 1:03:46

Yeah, I I could be happy moving forward without understanding why, if that's the way it was going to be.

Kristen 1:03:53

Yeah.

Jennifer 1:03:54

Anyway, I encourage people to keep working at it. It's well worth it.

Kristen 1:03:58

And I always say, be willing, take it to source if you if you can't, if you just feel so bad about yourself. I always say it's about forgiveness of others too. Is when I'm struggling in any area, I will literally say to source, I will say, I am willing to do this thing. I'm willing to forgive, I'm willing to forgive myself, I'm willing. And if it doesn't hit, if I go, no, you're not willing, you're lying. I will say, I'm willing to be willing. I'm willing to be willing. So keep working towards it, you guys. Be willing to be willing to be willing to be willing. At some point that you're gonna feel a little pup, a little release. That's it. You've entered. Sure. And now you've given it away, and it'll start to work for you.

Jennifer 1:04:37

Sure. And there are some people I was not willing to forgive. And um it came eventually, truly it did, but I wasn't willing. And I just worked on other things in the meantime until I was willing to become willing. I wasn't even willing for that in the beginning. That's okay. It was the X.

Kristen 1:04:55

Love y'all. Bye. Love you, Jennifer. She was prioritizing because this happened to me too, because there was, I I think I've told you guys, I have told you guys that I had some a huge betrayal by my stepsisters after my mother passed away and and their father passed away. Oh, I carried that for five years. I'm not even cringing about it because you know why? I had other things going on in my life. I knew that was there, but I was like, nope, not time yet. And so I, you know, worked on other things that were more pressing emotionally or physically or whatever for myself. And then there came a time where I my slate was more open, the path was more clear, there wasn't as much jumble jumble in my life, and I thought, I gotta forgive these guys. And I remember the day I stood in the shower and I said, I'm willing to forgive them. And no, I wasn't. Nope. And I said, All right, you know what to do, Kristen. I said, I'm willing to be willing. And something dropped off of me. I could feel it. Just this little it doesn't sound. I'm making sounds and going poof and pop. It doesn't do that. It's just, again, there's it's just, you don't, it's just a such a subtlety, but I felt expansion in my heart and I knew. I knew that I hit something. And I said, okay, I don't know how though. So here I gave it to God's Source Universe. I'm like, take care of this. The craziest thing was four days later, when that topic came up again, I had no anger, which was shocking to me. It'll never be okay what they did. It was really crappy, but I also understand where they were on their journey. I knew them for many, many, many years. I knew them since I was like 10 years old, maybe a little bit older. I knew them for a very, very long time and how their lives were and how things that shaped them, and that was really as good as it got for them at that moment. That's just what it was. All right, you guys, this is a great conversation. Thank you so much for Patty coming up twice this morning. Patty's gonna be getting 300 vibes for her first time on my stage. Then we had Terry and Amani and Sarah two times, and then we had Steven and we had Miss Jennifer, and you all completely rock. You make me so happy. I'm so glad that you are here co-creating these talks with me for the people who listen here on Noon Vibe, but also on my podcast over on YouTube and all the other major podcasting platforms. And for any of you who are new here and like conversations that are regarding reclaiming your personal power, self-healing, healthy relationships, any of these type of things, then I highly recommend you hit the follow button here or whatever platform you are on. And if you want any sort of free resources, you can click on my profile picture here on Noom Vibe, click where it says my link tree, check out my free resources. If you're on any other platform, that link tree will be in the description. Check out my free resources, lots of cool stuff over there. They're all very purposefully created to be a stepping stone on your journey, giving you something that I know that will shift and heal your foundation on some capacity. I don't know where you're at on your healing journey, but it will do something. So thank you so much, everyone, for being here. And in the meantime, please go forgive yourself. You are worthy, you matter, and it's time to set yourself free. Life is waiting for you, your relationships are waiting for you, and most importantly, you have been waiting for you. Much love, everybody.